Title: Awesome Possum
Publisher: Tengen
Shamelessness: Indescribable
Synopsis: When your mascot bursts out onto the title screen and proudly proclaims himself to be "awesome," there's going to be trouble. Awesome attempts to cash in on the early 90's snafu of political dogma with its painfully shameless "save the environment" theme. The game itself chooses to mimic the already mediocre Bubsy, and the result just plain hurts. It hurts. There's a lag of roughly half a second between when you push a button on the controller and when Awesome responds. The scrolling is choppy, the graphics look like they were shit out of a Commodore 64, the level design seems like it was coughed out of an algorithm put through a TI-83... This may well be the worst game ever made save possibly Rise of the Robots, and at least then 1-ups weren't represented by the "recycle" insignia. Verdict: Slightly more fun than dental surgery without anesthetic.

Title: Bubsy
Publisher: Accolade
Shamelessness: Moderate
Synopsis: Bubsy got alot of publicity back in the day because it was one of the first games to be released simultaneously on both the Genesis and SNES. The game itself is not totally incompetent, but it has a lengthy list of serious problems. Bubsy's control is stiff and the jumping physics make absolutely no sense. The graphics were mediocre even for the day, and the level design is pretty random. In the game's favor, the levels were huge (for the time) and there were some almost clever tricks pulled here and there (along one of the log chutes in the first stage, for example, the logs twist and the whole screen flips upside-down). It's also worth mentioning that Bubsy was gliding even before Knuckles was created. The bobcat had a few sequels to his name, but each new iteration turned out worse than the previous. Verdict: Not quite as fun as masturbating out of boredom.

Title: Captain Lang / High Seas Havoc
Publisher: Data East
Shamelessness: High
Synopsis: If Aero was the result of an unholy union between Sonic and the Noid, Lang is the offspring of Sonic and Cap'n Crunch. I don't even know what he's supposed to be... an otter, I guess. Lang's world features Sonic's rolling hills, floating platforms, crumbling ledges, and even springs. The only thing that's missing is the speed and clever level design. Basically, it's a watered-down Sonic 2 (think Sonic Chaos). The control is fairly responsive, so it keeps the game floating at mediocre as opposed to outright bad. Verdict: About as enjoyable of eating a bag of stale chips.

Title: Rocket Knight Adventures
Publisher: Konami
Shamelessness: Low
Synopsis: It takes a certain kind of early 90's anime skill to embue cuteness into something as decidedly uncute as possums. If you've never seen one up close, let me briefly describe them to you: they look like giant alien rats. They stink and they're most commonly seen mutilated on the interstate. It was a bold move on Konami's part to cite this marsupialian misfit as the star of this action/platformer endeavor, and all the more amazing that they came up with a fantastic game. Konami doesn't rely on Sonic any further than the premise of a speedy, fuzzy hero. I don't need to carry on about this, because Sparkster got his props way back when. There was a sequel released a couple years later that wasn't quite up to par with the original, but was great nonetheless. Verdict: Better than nekkid boobies.

Title: Time Dominator 1st / Socket
Publisher: Vic Tokai
Shamelessness: Very high
Synopsis: The protagonist himself owes more to Plucky Duck than Sonic, and there's even less originality in the actual game. Socket borrows Sonic's speed, environmental structure, springs, spikes, and even stage intros. The gimmick is that your power is constantly depleting, and you've got to collect little lightning bolts to keep the juice flowing. Think Pulseman meets Sonic. The concept itself is okay, if intrinsically unoriginal, but the control is dynamically bizarre and the level design is abhorrent. Verdict: Not quite as fun as stubbing your toe.

Title: Zero the Kamikaze Squirrel
Publisher: Sunsoft
Shamelessness: Moderate
Synopsis: You'd think controlling a squirrel who hurls himself suicidally into obstacles would be funner than this. Zero comes off as a rejected Karate Kid villain trapped in the body of Conker or Mr. Nutz (why do squirrels always have to be bright-ass orange?). He's got a decent assortment of moves in his repertoire, but it only succeeds in adding an unnecessary layer of complexity, and pulling off basic maneuvers becomes confusing. The level design is, as usual, banal as you please. Verdict: Somewhat less entertaining than hearing your grandfather's WWII stories for the 87th time.

Title: Zool
Publisher: Gametek
Shamelessness: High
Synopsis: Zool had a bit of a cult following back in the day, and I'll never understand why. The character of a ninja gremlin has very little appeal to me. The game itself can be mathematically summed up with the following formula: Sonic - control - good level design + hideous visual style and bad music = Zool. To this day it remains the most out-of-control platformer I've ever played. The entire game is basically holding down right waiting to slam headlong into the next obstacle. Try leaping into the air to grab a simple item and the hapless green creature will go careening all over the screen as you struggle to control his course. Verdict: About as fun as the first time you go roller skating and all you can do is fall, slam, and crash.

Title: Mr. Nutz
Publisher: Ocean
Shamelessness: Moderate
Synopsis: What happens when your no-talent development house is running out of bad movies to license? Mr. Nutz is what happens, apparently. With a hero named Nutz and a first stage called Woody Land, you know the designers weren't dipping into a very deep pool of inspiration. The control is responsive, which in 16-bit terms is generally what separates a mediocre platformer from a bad one, but the pluses end there. There's an almost profane lack of imagination... the first enemies you encounter are walking apples for God's sake. Verdict: Fun until you run out of nut jokes, then it gets pretty insipid.

Title: Radical Rex
Publisher: Activision
Shamelessness: High
Synopsis: The main difference between Rex and Sonic is that Rex is only fast when he gets on a skateboard. That's it. Oh, and he's also a midget dinosaur. While on the skateboard, the level design apes that which you might see in any Sonic game except more annoying. The skateboard physics are fairly accurate, which means that once you've rolled down a hill, you cannot get back up. If you miss a ramp (which happens quite often), you can't just spin dash to the top and be on your merry way. You're stuck until you find a way to gain momentum. This is not much fun. Eventually you find yourself so frustrated with the stupid skateboard, you lose it only to discover that the non-skate mechanics are even slower and more frustrating. Verdict: About as fun as a strip mahjong game where all the girls are your elementary school teachers.

Title: Ardy Lightfoot
Publisher: ASCII
Shamelessness: Low
Synopsis: Ardy, whatever he may be (some kind of cat, I reckon), runs like Sonic and bounces on his tail like Tigger. The game itself is less Sonic and more generic SNES platformer, though the group behind call themselves the "Ardy Team." The only gimmick is that Ardy is followed around by a mutated midget penguin thing that eats other mutated midget penguin things who comprise the game's roster of villains. It's a passable concept, but the level design is so phenomenally plain it's the sort of thing I would recommend only to asthma patients. Verdict: If you're a fan of turtle racing, it just might be your cup of tea.

Title: Rocky Rodent
Publisher: Irem
Shamelessness: Low
Synopsis: After Sonic finished having his way with the Noid and Cap'n Crunch, he set his satyriacal eyes on the Tasmanian Devil, and thus was born Rocky Rodent. There is admittedly a certain charm to a furry platform hero who is a world famous dine-and-dasher, but there are very good reasons why nobody remembers this rodent today. The big gimmick is supposed to be his hair, but it really isn't good for much. You can slash enemies with it, but you'd just as soon jump on their heads. When Rocky walks he's too slow, but when he runs, he's too fast, so there's no good control balance. The setting of a modern-day European city is unconventional, but it ain't much to look at... the colors are bland and washed out. And then there's the eternal problem: level design that's just plain uncompelling. Verdict: A bit more enjoyable than waiting in line at the DMV. With a rock in your shoe.

Title: Jazz Jackrabbit
Publisher: Epic Games
Shamelessness: Very High
Synopsis: Jazz is another one of those games that had a bit of a cult following, and all that I can imagine is that the unfortunate children who comprised this cult had stingy parents who wouldn't buy them a Genesis. Because Jazz is Sonic 2 with a flourescent green rabbit. If the graphics weren't ripped straight from the game cartridge, they were copied with a grid. To this day I can't understand PC games or the people who play them. Verdict: If you like PC games, you probably liked Jazz, but you're beyond any help that I have to offer.

For the most part, this fixation with furry platform heroes ended with the 16-bit era, but there have been occasional leakages. Willy Wombat for the Saturn was one of the more underrated examples, featuring a Darkwing Duck-esque hero with some solid (if repetitive) isometric gameplay and a surprisingly mature story. Then there was the little-known PS Punky Skunk, which I never played but it currently sells new for 98¢. Possibly the most successful example would be Crash Bandicoot, who owes quite a bit to the hedgehog that preceded him. Of course Crash spawned his own army of legionnaires, including Spyro the Dragon, Jak and Daxter, Ratchet & Clank, and the superb Sly Cooper. Hirokazu Yasuhara, who was by some reckoning the unsung chief talent behind the original Sonic games, is presently involved with the Ratchet & Clank series, and thus the cycle begins anew.