Note: I'm just making up the characters' personalities as I go along, since I don't have a clue what they're actually like. And maybe Biglandman does have an Ebonics thing going, which I think would actually be sort of cool. Call me racist. I loved Barret. And Bernie is in here as the bad guy because you know how much we like to hate him, even if maybe it's somebody else's fault. Lastly, because of the Engrish thing, I'm not sure if it's Read or Lead, or Tillis or Teiris, and I have neglected entirely the spacing in "Biglandman." Thank you for your time ^_- The setting... It's February 25th, the day before Burning Rangers hits Japan, and Shou, Read, Tillis, Chris, and Biglandman (He's in back 'cuz he's so big ^_-) are standing in the office of our good buddy at SoA, Bernie Stolar. Bernie: So what can I do for you guys? Shou: I think you know what we want. Bernie: Nope, haven't got a clue. Tillis: You moron! It's called a "reasonable release date" for American shores! Bernie: Oh... You don't think two months from now is reasonable? Everybody: NO!!! Arms folded, the Burning Rangers all gaze darkly at Mr. Stolar. Bernie: Well, there's a lot of good reasons for the delay.. Shou: Such as? Big anime-style sweatdrop on Bernie as Shou gives "the signal" to Read, who points "Iceman" at our favorite SoA exec. Bernie: Ahahahah! I'm glad you asked that.. See, we want more mass appeal, so naturally we have to do the voices over in English, and that takes time. Tillis: You don't like our voices? Bernie: Nonono! They're fine, but the American audience needs to be able to understand what you're saying.. Biglandman: Why not just use Subtitles? Tillis: Yeah, it worked in Panzer Dragoon! Bernie: Well it worked in Panzer Dragoon because we figured we could fool the PD fans into thinking the Japanese Dialogue (which was subtitled in Japanese) was the Teutonic language Team Andromeda developed and used in the opening... --eh? The door busts down and a swarm of angry Panzer Dragoon Otakus break in. PD Otaku #1: Hey, what do you mean "fooled?" PD Otaku #2: Yeah! We've been reading the progress of this game before you jerks knew it existed! PD OtaKing: We, the Panzer Dragoon Research Club of America, hearby declare War--on--Stolar! All PD Otakus: War on Stolar! War on Stolar!! Bernie: Nono! It's not like that! I was just, umm, about to demonstrate what we were going to do with Biglandman's voice! PD Otakus gaze at Bernie. Biglandman looks concerned. Bernie: See, we're gonna do the Ebonics thing with him, and he'd have said "Foo.'" Biglandman: What? You best not be messin' wit' my voice, ya hear? Tillis: Yeah! He's one helluva tuff! Bernie: .... The door busts down and the all people who got mad at Square for giving Barret the Ebonics thing swarm inside. Mad Guy #1: How dare you even consider it! Mad Guy #2: Yeah, we don't need another stereotyped "Mr. T" character! Mad Guy #1: We want a realistic African-American character! All Mad Guys: Yeah! Mad Guy #1: Make him the main character!!! Not some white boy's sidekick! All Mad Guys: Yeah! Biglandman: Bernie: Noooo! See, we were only considering doing that! It isn't set yet, we haven't even got any voice actors yet... Shou: What? Why didn't you hire them sooner? We could have a translated game right now!! Bernie: Well there are other factors that need to be changed.. Shou: Factors? Bernie: Yeah, we're having Spencer Neilsen redo the soundtrack. All Burning Rangers go wide-eyed and star at Bernie. Bernie: We were thinking of something a little more ambient.. And you know that "I just wanna be alright" song's got to go! It's too Daytona! And besides, I haven't heard anything that corny since that "Toot-Toot--" The Door busts down and Sonic fans with long-standing grievances swarm in. Militant Sonic Fan #1: Sonic warriors! Unite! Strike against the evil demon Spencer Neilsen!! All Militant Sonic Fans: Yeah!! Destroy Unicron! Kill the grand poobah! Eliminate even the toughest stains! Militant Sonic Fan #1: No you morons! That's Transformers: the movie! Get it right! All Militant Sonic Fans: Yeah! Avenge Sonic CD!! Die--die--die--Neilsen!! Militant Sonic Fan #1: Hah, as you can see, we've got him this time! Take us to him! All Militant Sonic Fans: Kill the pig! Spill his blood! Cut his throat! Militant Sonic Fan #1: I hate it when this happens! Hey--*I've* got the conch!! All Militant Sonic Fans: sorry sir.. Bernie: Energancy!! Confrontation Alpha has occured!! resort to plan "Anime!!" In seconds, several attractive young women dressed like Sarah enter the office and pass out copies of the Sonic Anime to everyone, who seem quite pleased with this and leave happily. Bernie: Read: Funny, you must have spent a lot of time working out that system.. Bernie: Yeah, but we did it as soon as the US Sonic CD was released. Don't worry, it didn't interfere with Burning Rangers.. Say, have you guys seen this show? I hear it's really good... Shou: Don't try to change the subject!! Ambient music won't work at all! I mean, we've got backdrafts exploding everywhere! Drama is high! The music must be upbeat! What's wrong with you?! Tillis and Chris put on headphones and jam out to the MegaCD Sonic soundtrack. Bernie: Come on, it won't be that bad... Shou: Hey Biglandman, point that big red thing at him.. Biglandman was about to do this when the door suddenly busts down and angry Treasure fans swarm in, and sweep him away in their numbers. Biglandman: Arrrgh!!! The Treasure fans all shout angrily at Bernie, and it is difficult to understand them, but they seem to be yelling at him about Silhouette Mirage not being released over here. Virtual On and Grandia fans mix in as well, trying to get their new games released in America too. One of the Treasure fans begins hyping his webpage. Bernie is swept away and beaten to death. The room is empty... Shou: Arrg, this is doing no good at all! Chris: Biglandman, are you okay? Biglandman: Yeah, I'm fine, just a little shaken. Shou: Now what are we going to do? Tillis: I guess we'll have to wait... The Burning Rangers go back to Japan and sadly wait until their May 12th US release date, but before they leave Biglandman causes hell with his big red thing for Spencer Neilsen. The End. PS: It's true; Tillis is actually Rei Ayanami with her hair died red. She got tired of working for Nerv and got a job with the Burning Rangers. kathairn@ellensburg.com