[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. Desk. CROW, JOEL, and TOM are standing to the side; a microwave oven, turned on and humming, is on stage left. There are a few bowls, matching plates, an opened carton of eggs, a few sticks of butter and a knife and fork are on the table. ] JOEL: Greetings, people of Earth. I'm Joel Robinson, and I come in peace. I'm speaking to you from high earth orbit, on the Satellite of Love, where my robots, Tom Servo -- CROW: Hi there! [ Begins giggling. ] JOEL: [ Not missing a beat ] And Crow T. Robot -- TOM: Howdee doo! [ Also snickers. ] [ JOEL shrugs, and points at CROW and TOM in turn. ] JOEL: That's Crow. That's Tom. They're just having fun. We here are forced by our mad scientist captors to watch the worst movies ever made. I speak to you now in order to share valuable culinary information with you. TOM: Culinary information, Joel? JOEL: Yes. Are you aware that the common microwave oven can be used for more than making popcorn, heating frozen dinners, melting butter and thawing pieces of meat? CROW: [ Stage surprise ] Why, no, I've never heard of such a thing. TOM: [ Stage surprise ] Are you suggesting the microwave oven might be harnessed as a force for cooking? JOEL: I am, and I shall prove it by using this microwave oven to prepare a convenient breakfast recipe made with a pat of butter and one to three eggs. TOM: First, melt a pat of butter in the bottom of a microwave-safe bowl, and swirl it around to cover the bottom. [ JOEL slices a bit of butter into a bowl, and pantomimes swirling it around. ] CROW: Then, crack open your choice of one to three eggs, and cover the bowl with a plate. [ JOEL adds three eggs to the bowl. ] JOEL: Be sure you leave a bit uncovered. Then you'll put it in your microwave -- [ The microwave dings; JOEL takes some oven mitts and takes an identical bowl and plate out. He puts the bowl and plate they had been using into the microwave. ] JOEL: And cook for one minute for one egg, a minute forty-five for two eggs, or two minutes thirty seconds for three eggs. TOM: Your result, a rubbery yet strangely edible egg dish! CROW: And what do we call this recipe, Joel? JOEL: [ Taking the plate off the bowl. ] Exploded Eggs. TOM: Interesting... why is it called Exploded Eggs? [ JOEL sticks the fork into an egg yolk; a cloud of smoke and an explosion sound effect roll up. When the smoke clears JOEL is burned; CROW and TOM are broken from the explosion. ] JOEL: That's why it's called Exploded Eggs. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five... four... three... two... one... Commercial sign now. JOEL: We'll be right back. [ JOEL taps commercial sign. ] [ COMMERCIALS ] [ SOL. Desk. CROW, JOEL, and TOM are just fine; each has an exploded eggs bowl in front of them. The microwave and all kitchen clutter are cleared away. ] JOEL: To clean up, soak your dishes in warm soapy water for two or three days, and then throw them out. CROW: For transcripts of this recipe, send three dollars to Journal Graphics. TOM: Cooking times assume a six hundred watt microwave oven. Individual cooking times may vary. [ JOEL puts his fork into the whites, and picks the eggs in a single chunk out of the bowl, letting them dangle. ] [ MADS sign flashes. ] JOEL: Riff Raff and Tap Tap are calling. [ JOEL taps mads sign. ] [ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER, leaning over, is on screen. ] DR. F: Hello, Polly. Our invention this week calls upon the classic comic strip "Peanuts," source of such fine ideas as the kite-eating tree, the Great Pumpkin, and the security blanket. The last is what interests us today; one square yard of outing flannel in the right hands brings the bearer a lasting sense of warmth and relaxed security. [ A beat, as DR. FORRESTER walks to the side, bringing TV's FRANK -- wearing feety pajamas, holding a large blue blanket and crying -- into view. ] DR. F: Mine are not the right hands. Instead, I've applied a series of fabric soakings, stitching techniques, reversed polarities, and other concepts it would take a seamstress to explain and reversed the effect, creating -- the Insecurity Blanket! [ FRANK tries to talk, but keeps crying into the blanket. ] DR. F: And the best part, it creates an anxiety about being separate from the blanket, so even if you get rid of it, you'll be just as miserable! [ DR. FORRESTER whips the blanket out of TV's FRANK's hands and throws it off camera. TV's FRANK blinks for a moment, and then falls to his knees, crying. ] DR. F: Up to you guys. [ SOL. CROW, JOEL, and TOM are at the desk; in front of them is a slightly complex setup: There's a circular track with a toy car set on it, tied to a crank so that turning the crank makes the car drive around the loop. Next to the track is a model ticket booth, concession stand, and Chroma-Key "movie screen." ] JOEL: That's meaner than usual, Doctor Forrester. Our invention this week is based on the old drive-in movie theater. TOM: The Drive-In Movie Theater. Created in postwar Camden, New Jersey, this uniquely American invention allowed generations of teenagers to enjoy rotten movies while inhaling gas fumes. CROW: But their popularity has waned in recent decades as people find they no longer have the time to go to one. JOEL: So we're doing our bit to save this piece of Americana by developing the Drive-Through Movie Theater. This is a scale model, of course, but if Cambot will help us with a movie effect we can show you how it works. [ CAMBOT puts on the chroma-key screen any sort of moving picture; it's too small to really make out anyway. JOEL begins cranking the dial, and the car moves around. ] TOM: [ As the car passes the ticket booth. ] Here, the family pays based on the number of people in the car. CROW: Not counting the guys hidden in the trunk, of course. TOM: [ As the car passes the concession stand. ] Of course. Now they slide past the concession stand. JOEL: And up to the movie. CROW: [ In a "little" voice ] "Ooh, my! Look! It's stuff!" TOM: [ Similar "little" voice ] "Wow, moving pictures! Neato!" [ JOEL continues cranking, moving the car around the loop and away from the screen. ] JOEL: And that's that. If they want to see more of the movie, they can go through again, or they can go to the mall or the movie theater or just go home. TOM: No muss, no fuss -- CROW: Don't even have to bother parking. JOEL: What do you think, sirs? [ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is standing on a chair, holding the blanket above his head with one hand while fending off TV's FRANK's slapping with the other. ] DR. F: Here's what I think, Joel: Your head is about to explode. You may dimly remember "Jaded Views," a horrible yet bad Sonic the Hedgehog story by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer. Well, I'm giving you Stephen Tramer's sequel, "The Seventy-Two Hours Saga." It's really three little stories, "The End of Innocence," "Limited Warface," and "Black Light," but don't worry, you won't be able to find any sort of narrative in it. [ DR. FORRESTER tries to nudge TV's FRANK off with his foot, but TV's FRANK just clings to his leg. ] DR. F: And if that wasn't enough, "I Regret To Inform You" that you're getting a dose of extreme pain in a pair of Star Trek shorts. First, Richard Story gives you the Starlog summary, and the first few minutes of a script for, his idea of a Star Fleet Academy series. Be warned: It's what they call in the trades a "spec script," which won't make it go down any easier. [ TV's FRANK cries a little louder and DR. FORRESTER tries to pull away, unsuccessfully. ] DR. F: If you make it through that, we have Stephen Ratliff's depressing yet joyless "I Regret To Inform You," in which we report the early tragic death of somebody we never heard of before. Before the day is out you're going to be begging me to cut off your oxygen. [ TV's FRANK pulls a little tighter, DR. FORRESTER tries to kick him away, and DR. FORRESTER ends up tumbling off the chair, towards the camera. ] [ SOL. CROW, JOEL, and TOM are dancing around the Drive-Through Movie Theater. ] ALL: Let's drive out to the lobby! Let's drive out to the lobby! Let's drive out to the lobby! [ MOVIE SIGN. General alarm. ] ALL: And have a movie sign! [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL file in. ] JOEL: OK, we have a big assignment today, guys, so I want you both on your best behavior. TOM, CROW: Yes, Joel. CROW: Hey, what short are we getting first? JOEL: I hope we get the script first. We don't get many of those. > Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy CROW: OK... > > > > > > CROW: [ Testy ] What *about* it? > A New World CROW: *Thank* you. JOEL: Writers Guild guidelines say you should use enough white space in your script to kill off the last remaining bit of rainforest. > > > > #00000-000 TOM: Isn't that the self-destruct code? > > > > Written by: CROW: We can only hope. > > Richard Story JOEL: Oh, I like his Busy Town books. > > > > Story by: CROW: It's going to take more than that to make me believe there's a story here. > > Richard Story > > and > > John Peterson JOEL: Music by Ferrante and Teicher. > > > > > Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy TOM: So we hear. > > > > > A New World > > Cast TOM: I know Lisa Bonet dropped out after the first season. CROW: Right, but Kadeen Hardison stayed on... JOEL: Sinbad was involved in some way. > > > Admiral Bruce Hennessy CROW: Admiral Bruce Henna Rinse. > > Captain Jean-Luc Picard JOEL: Unless his agent sprung him this week. > > Commander Data TOM: I hear he was a last minute replacement. CROW: Yeah, they wanted Pa and Ma Wheeler originally. > > Commander Rebecca Bien JOEL: [ Singing ] Tres bien, ensemble... I want you, I want you, I neeeeed you... > > Cadet Anna Walker CROW: Anna Walker, Anna Twoer, A Walk, Two, Three, Go! > > Cadet Blake Roberts JOEL: I've just been handed a bulletin. Cadet Blake Roberts is not in this fanfic; Blake Roberts belongs in an unproduced episode of "Max Headroom: 20 Minutes Into The Future." We apologize for the inconvenience. > > Cadet Katarous CROW: Cadet Katarous was accepted because Star Fleet Command needed more people whose names almost rhyme with "guitars." > > Cadet T'Kon JOEL: Chika-chika-Ti-Kon! > > Cadet Kozh TOM: He's actually Cadet Hyperbolic Koz, but Kozh is easier to say. > > Boothby CROW: My Favorite Building Maintenance Grade G-7 Civil Servant. > > Computer Voice JOEL: Performed by Frank Welker. > > Star Fleet Control JOEL: Performed by Frank Welker. > > Mystery Voice JOEL: Performed by Frank Welker pretending to be Rob Paulsen. > > > Non-Speaking TOM: Ah, Star Trek's Furniture aisle. CROW: Uh-uh. Deadmeat. > > Supernumeraries (Enterprise) CROW: Vaguely familiar deadmeat. > > Supernumeraries (Cadets) CROW: *New* deadmeat. > > > > JOEL: Hey, Richard forgot to list Lowly Worm. > > > > > TOM: Anytime, guys... > Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy JOEL: As indicated above. > > > A New World CROW: That's our title, and we're sticking with it. > > > > > Sets TOM: I don't want to without a deep, caring relationship first. > > > Interiors Exteriors CROW: That about covers everything. > > > USS Enterprise USS Enterprise > > Main Bridge JOEL: Congress Street Bridge. > Space Dock > > Recreation Deck Battle Fortress I > > Shuttle Bay TOM: And the Shuttle Bay Bridge. > Battle Fortress II CROW: You guys are going to have to help me follow this, I never saw Battle Fortress I. JOEL: It's right above there, like, two lines up. CROW: Oh. > > Star Fleet Academy Shuttlecraft Kepler > > Lecture Room Sports Field JOEL: Sports Field, with Casey McCall and Dan Rydell. > > Computer Lab CROW: In the *future*, students will waste time by checking email! > Outdoor Shuttle Field > > Gymnasium TOM: The only chemical element commemorating Jim Nabors. > > Recreation Center > > Dining Hall CROW: Please bus your own tables. Cadets will not be allowed back in the dining hall after being sucked into the spacetime anomaly of the week. > > Cadet Quarters Female TOM: Female -- or just *girly*? > > Cadet Quarters Male JOEL: Cadet Quarters Old. Cadet Quarters in the pail, nine days old. > > Sickbay > > Earth Defense Headquarters > > Auxiliary Control I (one) CROW: That's where they keep their precious supplies of protoculture. > > Computer Core > > Shuttlecraft Kepler > > > > > Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy TOM: Now it's just starting to sound silly. > > > A New World JOEL: O, A New World, that has some people on it. > > > Pronunciation Guide CROW: Pro-NUN-see-AY-shun GUYDE. > > > Hennessy Hen-Ah-See ALL: Hen-ah-see! Hen-ah-sah! Hen-ah-see! Hen-ah-sah-ah-hah-ah-hah-hah-hah > > Katarous Ka-TAR-us CROW: The sun'll come out, ka-TAR-us... > > Caitian Kay-SHUN JOEL: T-I-A-N! SHUN SHUN SHUN SHUN! T-I-A-N! SHUN SHUN SHUN SHUN! > > T'kon Tay-CON TOM: Tay... CON... Me! Take On Me! > > Kozh Ko-ZUH JOEL: It would've been ko-ZEE, but Richard Story has a southern accent. > > Bein Bee-ann TOM: [ Like a foghorn ] BEEEEE-ANNNNNN! > > > Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy JOEL: Does that sound all right? It doesn't sound weird now? > > > A New World CROW: Everybody with us so far? > > > Character Descriptions JOEL: Blossom's commander and the leader, Bubbles is the joy and the laughter, and Buttercup is the toughest fighter. > > > Admiral Bruce Hennessy is 50 year old Australian male. CROW: So that's what's become of Yahoo Serious. > His hair > is standard length TOM: Hippie! > and black except for silvering on his sideburns > and a 'salt 'n' pepper' beard. JOEL: After lunch he has a 'catsup and mustard' beard. > No noticeable scars or tatoos. ALL: At first. > Commandant of Star Fleet Academy. CROW: And host of this week's Saturday Night Live. > Prior Assignment: Admiral > Commanding Federation 6th fleet. JOEL: Yeah, but did you hear about his dog? TOM: The Sixth Fleet, tragically, was destroyed one day when the Admiral had to go to the bathroom and he left Riker in charge for ten minutes. > > > Commander Rebecca Bein is a 27 year old Irish female. JOEL: Beckybeins? > Her hair is > red and has green eyes. TOM: She's as Irish as you can get and not be magically delicious. > Several small scars on left hand and arm > and permanent 'black eye' or discoloration around her right eye. CROW: Actually, the black eye is just 'cause she's a big fan of Ranger Rick. > Star Fleet Academy Director of Academic Services, Professor of > Performing Arts, Director of Star Fleet Academy Band and Choir. TOM: So Star Fleet offers professorships for tactics, military history, hyperspatial engineering, and playing the triangle. > Star Fleet MOS: JOEL: Star Fleet Mit Out Sound? > Operations. Last Assignment: Captain of the U.S.S. > Achilles N.C.C. - 18674 (Frigate). Clothing note: TOM: She will wear clothing for today's performance. CROW: Awwww... > Will wear gloves > out in the public. TOM: Unless it's below freezing out, and then she goes nude! > White dress gloves for formal occasions and tan > gloves in all other occasions. JOEL: But she only does that to hide the fact that she has no skin. > > > Cadet Anna Walker is an 18 year old Native American of the Cherokee > Tribe. TOM: The Jeep Cherokee tribe. > She has short black hair (page boy style) CROW: She's practicing to play a messenger boy in a Shakespeare play. > and has green > eyes. No noticeable scars or tatoos. TOM: Only missing her left arm. > Star Fleet Academy Status: CROW: The Cool Clique. > First year (Plebe) Cadet. Desired Specialty Program: Operations. JOEL: Good friends with Thunder and Mainframe, and helped Mainframe cover up when he was dating the evil Zartan's sister Zarana. > > > Cadet Blake Roberts TOM: For Nightline. > is an 18 year old African American from Atlanta, > Georgia. JOEL: As opposed to Atlanta, Michigan. > Nominated for Admission by Admiral (Medical) Dr. Leonard > McCoy and Captain (Medical) Dr. Beverly Crusher. CROW: But he's really just this guy, y'know? > Hair is normal > length. No scars or tatoos. TOM: Except as a result of purchasing Cracker Jack boxes. > Star Fleet Academy Status: First Year > (Plebe) Cadet. Desired Specialty Program: Medical. JOEL: If he's going to be a ship's surgeon, shouldn't his specialty program be Operations? > > TOM: OK, enough of the humans. Bring on the aliens who're going to teach us all a little something by struggling to understand humanity for *this* premise. > Katarous is a 14 year old Caitian female. JOEL: There's your generic written science fiction alien. > She has honey-blonde > hair (mane) and reddish-orange fur. CROW: She's good friends with Valerie and Melody, and can play lead guitar in case Josie has to miss a performance. > She is bipedal and speaks with > a rolling r and purring tone. JOEL: 'Cause she's so much like a cat. > She is a direct descendant of M'Ress > from the animated show. TOM: This way, we can just use M'Ress's old personality and don't have to think up a new one. JOEL: M'Ress: The other, less developed, Uhura. > In her tribe, her coloration marks her as > a telepath and she does rate fairly highly on the scale. CROW: So she can be the token psychic nitwit telling us the aliens who blew up decks 20 through 38 are feeling hostile. > No scars > or tatoos. JOEL: Neutered, though, and wears purple SoftPaws. > Star Fleet Academy Status: CROW: She only plays it on the easy levels. > First Year (Plebe) Cadet. TOM: And all-around new guy. > Desired Specialty Program: Communications. ***MAKE UP: CROW, TOM: MAKE UP! [ JOEL pulls a big pillow out and baps TOM and CROW in turn. ] > Please > refer to the M'Ress character from Filmations Star Trek for > make up guidelines.*** TOM: Then, once Paramount acknowledges the existence and fans of the Star Trek cartoon, visit Satan, who'll be glad to give you a fresh slushie scooped right out of the River Styx. [ JOEL tosses the pillow off past TOM. ] > > > T'Kon is a 18 year old Vulcan female. JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before? CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] It's possible. > She wears her long (unbraided, > it falls to her hip) hair pulled up in a severe bun. JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Are you a hatrack from Hackensack? CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] No. > Slim and more > catlike build for a Vulcan. JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Or a Glockenspiel from Glockamara? CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] You're getting warm. > No scars or tatoos. Star Fleet Academy > Status: First Year (Plebe) Cadet. JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Uh-uh. I know who it is... > Desired Specialty Program: > Engineering. JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] It's the wooluff! It's the wooluff! Help! CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] Aw, knock it off. > > > Kozh is a 16 year old Klingon -Orion hybrid. He has a slim, > athletic build with little to no head ridges. TOM: Wow, slightly different forehead bumpiness. But I'm sure Star Trek's squad of makeup specialists will be able to handle it. > He should be Asiatic > looking. JOEL: By a tragic mistake they cast somebody Adriatic looking. > Hair is braided and shoulder length. TOM: But weirdly it only starts below his ears. > Tatoo (small) on > right cheek of a gauntlet holding a chalice. CROW: The Holy Grail of the Trekkies. > Star Fleet Academy > Status: First Year (Plebe) Cadet. Desired Specialty Program: > Services Branch (Supply). JOEL: So he dreams of someday being master of requisition form PSW slash 550E, chapter 7103 paragraph 23 stroke 447. TOM: Aim for the stars, my lad. > Background note: Son of a Slave captured > by the Orions and held in slavery till he was 10 years old. CROW: This is good. This way the series will be able to take the bold stance of telling us slavery is naughty. > He is > a first class scrounger. TOM: Which will come in handy in his new assignment as company clerk of the 4077th MASH. > > > > > > > > > > > > > JOEL: [ Standing up, banging on the screen ] Hey, c'mon, could we get a little service here? CROW: At least bring us water! TOM: A plate of bread already? > > > > Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy CROW: We're already in reruns. > > > A New World TOM: Nah, I liked the old title better. > > Teaser JOEL: If you don't stop teasing I'll turn this car around... > > Fade in. TOM: Fade ouuuut... and.. cut! Perfect! Print it! > > > Scene 1 CROW: Attack of the Republican Bees. > Space (Optical) - > We fade in to find the camera slowly panning across a star > field. TOM: Oh, we *always* do that, honey. Why don't we try something else? > As the camera moves we notice that there is a point > of light moving and the camera begins to zoom in on this > point. JOEL: Her five year mission: To count the number of angels dancing on it. > We realize that this point is actually a ship moving > at warp speed. TOM: It's trying to make a getaway! > We continue to zoom in and discover that > this is no ordinary starship, but the Enterprise. CROW: Maybe *you* realize it. To me, it's the same old Enterprise. TOM: Unless they blew it up yet again. [ JOEL starts humming the 'Also Sprach Zarathustra,' the 2001 theme. ] Buuuuuuuh.... baaaaaaahh... baaaaaahhhhhh..... > The > camera zoom in on the Enterprise JOEL: [ Continuing ] Bah Buuuuummmm! > and swings above and > behind the Enterprise. TOM: Hope the Enterprise has motion sickness pills. > > > Scene 2 Space (Optical) - JOEL: [ Continuing ] Da da duuuuunnnnn! > The camera lifts up from the Enterprise CROW: And the closing titles come up: 'THE END'. JOEL: [ Continuing ] Duh dun dah dunnnnnn! > and focuses on the > system the Enterprise is heading to. TOM: They're approaching the outlet mall complex of King-of-Prussia, Pennsylvania. JOEL: [ Continuing ] Dun dah daaaaaaaannnn! > It is a nondescript > yellow sun with a planetary system. CROW: Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, little shed out back for the lawn mower... JOEL: [ Continuing ] Dun dah dah deeeeeeee! > The Enterprise > accelerates under the camera and the camera again follows > the Enterprise. TOM: You won't get away from the script that easily! JOEL: [ Finishing ] Dun! Daaah! Deeeeeeeeeeeeee! > > > Cut to CROW: Then throw the first away. > > Scene 3 Space (Optical) - > Near the sun we watch the Enterprise drop out of warp. JOEL: You know, a watched starship never drops out of warp. > After a momentary pause, the Enterprise accelerates. The > camera follows and as the Enterprise passes behind the sun, TOM: Aaaaah! CROW: Turn! Turn! Turn away! Turn away! JOEL: They're doomed! > we are momentarily blinded. CROW: Short series. > We pick up the Enterprise again ALL: Whew! > and see her heading toward a planet we now recognize as > the Earth. JOEL: We recognize it by the bald spot in its ozone layer. > > > Cut to > > Scene 4 Battle Fortress 1 Auxiliary Control Room. > Dark, forbidding room. CROW: It's so forbidding, we're not even allowed to see it. > Red light and computer screens > are the only sources of light except for a window on > the door shows the outside corridor JOEL: Wait a second -- according to the tech manual, that's not the outside corridor. That's the outhouse! > is brightly > > TOM: Is it ever! > -1- JOEL: Singular sensation! Every spec script that's half-baked! > > > Scene 4 continued. CROW: So don't go getting any bright ideas now. > > > lit and that it is only the room that seems to be at battle > stations. TOM: Sometimes you just don't *want* to go to the staff Christmas party. > Outside the door JOEL: [ As Groucho ] ... a book is man's best friend. > we hear some off-duty crewmen > laughing and making jokes as they pass the control room. CROW: [ As off-duty crewman ] Isn't it silly, that one of the military control nexuses for the solar system is ready for doomsday while we're killing time playing Jupiter gin, planet poker and five-card satellite? > A slight movement attracts the camera's attention and we > can't make out the figure in the dark, [ TOM snores. ] > but the viewscreen > shows the Enterprise approaching the Earth and is displaying > technical readouts on the Enterprise. JOEL: Remember, in an emergency situation, it's important everybody have insufficient light to see their hands in front of their faces. TOM: And that the computers all be on the Star Trek After Dark screensaver. > > > Unknown Voice > (contemptuously) > > On time as usual. How predictable. CROW: This danged discipline will the the ruin of Star Fleet. > > > A hand reaches out to hit a button marked 'Transmit'. TOM: I'll get you next time, Gadget... *Next* *Time*. > > > Cut to > > Scene 5 Space (Optical) - CROW: See, if this was on Smellevision this scene might be transmitted by scent instead of optically. > The Enterprise passes both the Space Dock and Orbital > Fortress I to enter standard orbit around the Earth. JOEL: Standard -- with a zesty twist. > The Enterprise seems to 'wobble' a bit on entering orbit TOM: Don't you hate it when you drive over the rumble strips? > and another fortress is barely visible behind the Earth. > CROW: Is that the one where Tom and Jerry of the future are posted? > > cut to > > Scene 6 -Enterprise Bridge. JOEL: The only way to get from the Ready Room to Brooklyn. > The bridge has Captain Picard sitting in the center seat, TOM: Hi, I'm Captain Picard! [ JOEL starts singing some game show music; CROW and TOM pick it up when he has to speak. ] > Data at Ops, CROW: Hi, I'm Commander Data! > Admiral Hennessy sitting in Counselor Troi's > normal seat, JOEL: And I'm Admiral Hennessy, and we're -- ALL: Starfleet Officers! > and ND crew at the other stations. A group of > cadets including Anna Walker, TOM: I'm Anna Walker! > Blake Roberts, CROW: Hi, I'm Blake Roberts! > Katarous, JOEL: And I'm Cadet Katarous, and we're -- ALL: First-year cadets! TOM: [ Announcer's voice ] And now we're ready to play "Hot (Ssssssssss!) Potato!" Here's your host, Bill Cullen! [ They stop the theme music. ] > T'Kon > and Kozh are watching the flight. As the camera passes > across each cadet's face CROW: Man, this is *so* not the Next Generation we're watching here. > they all seem to be feeling the > awe and wonder of a flight on the Enterprise. JOEL: Or they're just glad to see us. > > > > > > - 2 - > > > cut to > > > Scene 7. - Captain Picard. > Close up on Picard. ALL: [ Jumping back ] Aaaah! > He stands as camera pulls back to > cover the command area and OPS. Hennessy also gets up > and looks like the cat that ate the canary. CROW: Hey, he's not acting, he *did* eat the canary! > It's good to > be back on a Starship again. JOEL: And how! > Data is shutting down the > flight controls with out waiting for the orders from Picard. TOM: Wow, he's just a highly sophisticated artificial life-form given the best training in the galaxy and with decades of experience, yet already he's able to do the obvious. > > > Data > > (Singing to himself) > > Lifeforms, we're happy little lifefoooorms! CROW: Oooh, it's the annoying Data we came to resent in the movies. > > > Picard does the 'Picard' maneuver with his tunic. Getting > Data's attention. TOM: Data can hear people adjusting their shirts? JOEL: At least they got him to stop commenting when people adjusted their underwear. > > > Picard CROW: [ Clucking ] Puc-puc-puc-puc-Picard! > > > Flawless as usual, Mr. Data. You may secure > OPS from flight mode. TOM: On second thought, let's not go to standard orbit. > > > Data is pleased at the compliment. He likes to be > complimented from people he respects. JOEL: [ As Frank Burns ] It's nice to be nice... to the nice. > > > Data > > > Aye, Sir. OPS is in station keeping mode. CROW: Joel, why are the lines of dialogue so short? JOEL: That's cause it's in the format for a TV script, honey, and studio executives can't read more than about eight words in a row. CROW: Oh. > > (Data turns to Captain Picard with > a small frown.) TOM: [ As Data ] Were you making faces at me again? > > Captain, I would not call the flight flawless. JOEL: I think it'd be better called Merle. > I missed the transition from Warp to maximum > impulse power TOM: I just blew it, man. I gotta be drunk or something. > by .0038 milliseconds. Also > the Enterprise bobbled JOEL: Giving the Globetrotters the edge they needed to beat us. > in the transition into > Earth's orbit. CROW: Furthermore, we ran out of salted peanuts just past Wolf 359. JOEL: Plus the in-flight movie was "Star Trek: Insurrection." > I believe we > > > JOEL: And I mean that sincerely. > > > - 3 - TOM: If that was just a - 30 - we could go. > > scene 7 continued. > CROW: Don't know where, don't know when, but it continued. > > Data > > (Pausing for effect.) JOEL: Hold on, I gotta look up my line. > > Hit a pothole in the ozone layer. > > > Picard ALL: Hit him! Hit him! > > (Amused, but not smiling) > > I think we can forgive you those small errors, > Data. After all, we are all getting older. JOEL: Oh, I think this is subtle foreshadowing that the lead characters are going to shift from Picard and Data to Admiral Hanna Barbera and Cadet Guitars. CROW: I think it's subtle foreshadowing that in even in a fanfic they couldn't afford more than about five minutes of Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner. > > > Data > > (genuinely confused) > > Captain? As you are well aware, I am an android. JOEL: I have no favorite character in "Dilbert." > I do not grow old. CROW: I just drone on and on until one day I fall apart. > > (Catching on to Picard's joke.) > > I do not rust nor do I wear out. I have a > lifetime warranty. JOEL: I think Data's being written so if Brent Spiner won't play the part, Charles Nelson Reilley can step in. > > > Scene 8- Enterprise Bridge. Wide angle. > Cadet Walker nudges Cadet Roberts and whispers something > to him. CROW: [ As Walker ] And so, Leno asks the guy, "What's the capital of the United States" and he says, "Uh, I used to know this -- Arkansas?" > He smiles and Cadet Katarous overhears and tries > to refrain from smirking. TOM: [ As Katarous ] I saw that one! And the next guy said it was Toronto! > Unfortunately for the cadets, > Captain Picard has overheard them. JOEL: [ As Roberts ] Right, and the next guy, he asked what country's north of the U.S., and the guy said Maine! > He turns toward the > group of cadets whom seem to shrink before him except Cadet > Walker, who has an expression of pure innocence. CROW: [ As Walker ] I like yellow. > Picard > doesn't buy it for a second. > TOM: [ As Picard ] There's only one man who can solve this case. Call on... The Hunter! > > Picard > > Cadets, on my ship I encourage exploration CROW: But please wait until you're someplace *private*, I mean, *sheesh*! > and > free exchange of new ideas and observations when > appropriate. JOEL: [ As Picard ] Now, are you all quite through with your raucous cavorting? > Perhaps you would like to share > yours with the rest of us? > CROW: I hear this is a two-part episode. The big cliffhanger is Picard finds out one of the cadets brought gum. > > Captain Picard had been speaking almost directly to Cadet > Walker so she comes to attention and speaks to Captain > Picard in the defense of the group. TOM: [ As Roberts ] We're not with her. JOEL: [ As Katarous ] She's not even really in Star Fleet. She's just very, very lonely. > > - 4- > > > scene 8 continued. JOEL: You missed it. You should've been there. > > > Walker > > Sir, CROW: [ As Walker, panicked ] I wasn't saying you're bald! > I merely observed to Cadets Roberts and > Katarous that you and Commander Data worked like > a well oiled machine. CROW: [ As above ] And not that your head's shiny enough to be a menace to navigation! > > (a beat) > > No offense Commander. CROW: [ As above ] So, see, Captain Bal -- I mean, Chrome -- I mean -- I don't mean -- uh, how are you bald -- *doing,* how are you *doing*, sir? > > > Data is puzzled because he heard exactly what she said. JOEL: His "stupid joke" sequencers were still analyzing it. > However, the actual statement itself was not derogatory > or at least his understanding of it isn't. TOM: Uhoh, does this mean he's going to make a bunch of lame gags about being a machine all episode as part of "understanding the human equation"? > > > Data > > None taken. CROW: But you're in a lot of trouble, missy. > > > Picard rubs his chin and isn't buying it. But he admires > her spunk and decides to take her down a peg. TOM: He's going to transfer her to Lou Grant's office. > > > Picard > > I see Cadet Walker. TOM: OK, now, I spy with my little eye... something starting with the letter "e". CROW: OOh, ooh. I know. I see the Empty Void of Outer Space? TOM: You're right, yes! > Perhaps in four years if > you graduate from Star Fleet Academy, JOEL: Like *that's* gonna happen. > you will > be able to work as efficiently with your fellow > officers. TOM: Now, drop to the floor, gimme 500, and then scrub all the bathrooms with your toothbrush, missy. > > > Cadet Walkers eyes flash with determination and not more > than little pride. JOEL: And not less than a little stupidity. > > > Walker TOM: Anna Walker, Tennessee Ranger. > > Sir, I WILL graduate JOEL: I HAVE pictures of the entire Admiralty! > and I will sit in the > center seat of a Starship. CROW: It's rare that you see somebody chewing their leg off to get back into a trap. > > > Picard is pleased by this response. TOM: He can feel that side tingling. > He sincerely hopes > the cadet can back up her boast. CROW: He'll meet her in the alley after her shift is done. > It is a long four years TOM: And I've been workin' like a dog. > and many a cadet with similar pride and determination has > washed out. JOEL: See, these wide stretches of text are there in case they get narration from Speed Racer. TOM: Captain! If you don't win, you could end up losing the race! > > - 5 - CROW: With five precincts reporting, we're still not close to being done. > > > scene 8 continued. > > > Picard turns to Admiral Hennessy JOEL: Blubbering. > gives him a quick smile out > of the corner of his mouth TOM: "I've softened 'em up for ya, kid, now go nuts." > and it is at this point we > realize they are old friends. CROW: [ As Picard ] You're in Troi's seat. Why aren't you wearing something more degrading? > > > Picard > > Admiral, System wide interspeaker is on. JOEL: [ Tapping chest ] Is this thing on? Is this thing on? [ Makes a feedback Wheeee-OOOOOO-wheeeeee noise ] Sorry. > > > Hennessy walks up to OPS and presses a button. The > Camera close ups on the Admirals face as he speaks. TOM: [ Thoughtfully ] On "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.", what did "U.N.C.L.E." stand for again? United Nations Command... no, wait... Union of Natural... that's not it... I'll have to get a report about that. > > > Hennessy > > Cadets! CROW: Get yer red-hot, fresh, Cadets! Get 'em while they're buttered! > > > cut to > > > Scene 9 - Rec. Deck on the Enterprise is full of cadets. JOEL: But then one of them discovers the trail of cookies and they all walk out the air lock. > A large screen shows Admiral Hennessy (optical) speaking > from the bridge. TOM: [ As Hennessy ] United Network Command... for Law Enforcement? That can't be right... is it? Wait... > > > Hennessy > (voice over) > > Today, JOEL: I consider ourselves the luckiest men off the face of the earth. > you have been given a taste of what you > will be working for during the next four years. TOM: Since none of you are trained, it's amazing you haven't blown yourselves up already. > Take a good look around you. CROW: Are you *proud* of yourselves, misters? > Savior the time you > are here. TOM: Hallelujah! > On the average, nearly one -third of > each entering class will wash out of Star Fleet > Academy. JOEL: That's what we get for putting you in the laundry with the socks. > Some cadets will graduate in five or six > years. CROW: Others will join leftist groups and spend your Star Fleet careers protesting the fascist hegemony by getting tear gassed. > > > Cut to Scene 10- Bridge of the Enterprise. TOM: This is the scene where it all comes together. > Hennessy continues to speak as the camera pans across the > faces of the cadets. JOEL: Everybody look carefully. I bet this is where Hitchcock's cameo is. > > > > > > - 6 - > > Scene 10 continued. TOM: I think I missed him. CROW: We can look it up on the net, later. > > > Hennessy > (voice over) > > One or two of you will probably receive a > posthumous commission. JOEL: Of course, we can't *predict* to whom the ultimate misfortune will fall, but if Boothby's minions come around offering "insurance," I'd recommend buying it. > Of those of you who do > graduate, only a mere handful will serve on > Starships. CROW: The rest of you will have to develop such horrendous personality flaws that you're transfered to a starship to be in complete charge of one research mission in a region of space dangerously close to a very hostile and barely known alien race. > And of that handful only one will > raise in rank to actually command a Starship. TOM: And only one commander in twenty will become insane or a traitor and only one in five of those will become so obviously dangerous they're promoted to Star Fleet Admiral. > > (Pause) > > > cut to > > Scene 11-Enterprise Bridge. > Picard reaction shot, he's remembering his cadet > experiences. TOM: [ As Picard ] I can't believe I almost failed "Holding Interminable Conferences With Everybody On The Ship." > > > cut to > > Scene 12-Enterprise Bridge. JOEL: One-Adam-Scene-12, One-Adam-Scene-12. > Camera is back on Hennessy. [ JOEL swats his hand around ] CROW: Get this -- get it off! > > > Hennessy > > I can not predict the future. JOEL: Not this episode, anyway. > It will take > long hard dedicated work TOM: And a few strategically placed bribes, looking at this bunch. > to graduate from Star > Fleet Academy. Will you measure up? CROW: The measuring up is the hard part. Ever since the great CCNY Tape Measure scandal of '53, the admiralty's cracked down. > Do you have > what it takes to be a Star Fleet officer? JOEL: Are the writers blatantly on your side? > When > you are in midst of a simulator battle and haven't > slept for forty-eight hours TOM: And you just start giggling mysteriously at the simulator's Cardassian Gul... > and discover that you > have a major exam that afternoon, CROW: And you walk in late to it and suddenly find you're naked and it's a subject you never heard of before... > reach back and > grab some of that determination and drive that got > you here. JOEL: Mmmmmmmmmmmyeah, could be. > It's been said that getting into Star > Fleet Academy is half the battle. TOM: I haven't been saying that. Have you been saying that? CROW: I thought about saying it, but I didn't. JOEL: Oh, I know what it is. I said it once. TOM: Why did you say that? JOEL: It was the late eighties. Star Trek came on right after G.I. Joe. > Do not believe > it. STAYING in Star Fleet Academy is the hard > part. CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] Now, uh, before we dock ... I have been pretty lax about discipline, and golly, nobody enjoys a joke more than I do, but I would like the executive officer returned. > The academy faculty and staff will help you > any way possible, but YOU have to make the effort > and YOU will have to meet the demands placed on > you. CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] Now, we've looked in the torpedo tubes, we've looked in your bags and, uh ... > It is my sincere wish that in four years, I > will be able to grant each and every one of you a > commission into Star Fleet. CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] I mean, it's been over two weeks, men, and ... > But now, let me be > the first to congratulate you on being appointed > to the Star Fleet Academy! CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] We're just lucky it wasn't the navigation officer or, or someone real important like that. > > > cut to > > - 7 - > > Scene 13- Auxiliary Control Room One (optical). > Camera shows a pair of shadows CROW: I think they're waiting for groundhog day. > watching the Enterprise on a > monitor. TOM: "I like the me channel." > A hand (gender unknown) JOEL: How much gender do hands typically have? > reaches out and adjusts > the controls TOM: Is he preheating the oven? > and the Enterprise grows larger in the monitor. CROW: He's supersizing the Enterprise. > > > Mystery Voice TOM: Will our Mystery Voice enter and sign in please? > > Let's see how good you really are. JOEL: [ As Daffy Duck ] I'll get rid of *him* and make it *look* like an accident! > > ALL: [ Singing 'Those Endearing Young Charms,' with last notes high ] Dah da dum, de dum dum, dah de dum da dee dee-- > The hand reaches out and touches a button. ALL: [ Trying last notes again, too low ] Dum da-- > > ALL: [ One more attempt, notes too high ] Dee da-- > cut to > > ALL: [ Starting from scratch, getting it right ] Dah da dum, de dum dum, dah de dum dum da dum-- > Scene 14 - Space near the Enterprise (optical). > An explosion rips the Enterprise open near the left warp > nacelle. The Enterprise immediately starts to dip into > the Earth's atmosphere. ALL: [ Finishing off. ] Dum, da dum, da dum. > > > hard cut to > > > Scene 15 - Enterprise bridge (wide angle). CROW: The bridge ate too big a meal, it's got to widen the angle so it can fall asleep on the couch. > All non-seated crew members are struggling to their feet > and stations. JOEL: That must've been some party we had last night... wait, the party was four days ago... ... *Whoa*. > Red alert sirens are screaming and Data is > fighting to regain control of the ship with out success. [ JOEL shadow-boxes Data. ] > It is a fight to just keep from being pitched back to > the floor. TOM: If they'd just eat their spinach they wouldn't have this problem with fights to the finich. > > > Data > > Explosion in or near the left plasma conduit, > Captain. JOEL: Again. TOM: I bet the ejection system for the warp core's broken again too. CROW: I bet the Borg just showed up too. > Warp drive and impulse drive are > off-line! CROW: Again. TOM: And I bet somebody just broke out of the security cell. JOEL: Yup. And the holodeck's gone crazy and made intelligent life once more. > The Enterprise is sinking into the > Earth's atmosphere! TOM: Seen it. CROW: And the transporters are malfunctioning. JOEL: Ten Forward's broken out in fights. TOM: There's a scout troup short a child. JOEL: Gowron's doin' Idlewild... > We got 5 minutes till we > burn up! > > > fade out CROW: If that's right then I don't think they really have time for the opening credits. > > > > > - 8 - JOEL: Is enough. > > TOM: I think the next one's coming up, guys. > > JOEL: Yeah, those are definitely blank lines from a different story. > Title: I Regret TOM: Nothing! > to Inform You JOEL: So I'm just going to hide from you. > Author: Stephen Ratliff CROW: Know this name. Remember this face. > Series: TNG, JOEL: The story's set in Tang? > Marrissa Stories > Rating: [PG] TOM: This story not suitable for those collecting Pogs. > Codes: n/a CROW: Only to be coded for North America and New Anglers. > Part: NEW 1/1 TOM: That means they're going to have to settle it by a kick-off. > > Summary: CROW: Some are rah. Some are just undecided. > Marrissa is assigned to inform a woman JOEL: Marrissa had never seen a woman before, and was sorely afraid. > that her son has > died TOM: [ As a woman ] "But my only child's a daughter." CROW: [ As Marrissa ] "That's the other thing I had to tell you." > in the line of duty. JOEL: Technically. Though his Captain was only being sarcastic... didn't really want him crawling into the antimatter chamber. > > +++ > > Marrissa's week off had been interrupted TOM: Her psychiatrist told her to get absolute quiet, but the couple in the next room wouldn't stop laughing and playing the trumpet. > by the duty. It > was not a duty Marrissa was ready for. CROW: But Star Fleet needed her to represent them in the Intergalactic "Sorry" contests, and she wouldn't let them down. > That made her even more > uncomfortable than the dress uniform she wore. JOEL: She thought it was silly dress uniforms were always doused in itching powder, but she didn't want to say anything. > She'd been > pressed into this duty, TOM: Because she was the only starship in the quadrant. > mainly because she was the closest person > of sufficient rank. CROW: And silly enough hat. > It wasn't something she'd been trained for, TOM: There wasn't enough action in it. > though the Admiral CROW: Star Fleet only has one admiral? TOM: They were desperately understaffed at this point. > had said that there never was training for > such a duty. JOEL: Grief counseling, psychology, crisis management, they wouldn't help train a person to tell folks a loved one has died. > She adjusted her uniform a little, CROW: "Maybe I should turn off the mariachi music." > before ringing > the door bell. [ TOM sings the opening bars of "Dixie." ] JOEL: [ As Marrissa ] "Whoops, I went to the Duke boys' place." > > As she waited for the door to be answered, TOM: She reflected on what tough questions the door asked. > Marrissa looked > at her reflection CROW: "Hi, handsome." > in the glass screen door. Her Lieutenant's > pips were perfectly aligned, JOEL: You know, if you follow the line of a Lieutenant's pips, they point to the North Star. > and her communicator was straight. TOM: But not narrow. > Those details were important for this duty, CROW: If her decorations weren't perfect, it wouldn't count, and the guy would have to be brought back to life. > as was the ability to > deliver the news without breaking down. JOEL: It's important you convey the image that the loved one's death was a trivial matter you find as emotionally involving as reading the gas meter. > > The black shoulders of her dress uniform CROW: And flashy neon elbows of her dress arms... > began to heat up in > the bright sun. TOM: But she's saving up solar energy for later use as Bird-Man's new girlfriend. > It was beautiful cloudless day, not like it > should be. JOEL: Must've been a slipup at the setting department. CROW: Somewhere in a romantic fanfic a couple's trying to have their first fantastic date and getting thundered and rained on and slipping in the mud and all that. TOM: That could be kind of fun. > A day with events like this should be cloudy, CROW: Or at least night. > threatening to rain, JOEL: Unless they drop off the cash. > or more appropriately, CROW: Sleeting, turning to snow overnight. > raining. > > The door opened to reveal JOEL: A new car! > a grey haired lady in her fifties. > As she noticed Marrissa TOM: Hey! Get off the dog! Can't you read? > in her dress uniform, CROW: [ As the woman ] "That's *my* dress uniform!" > her hand went to > cover her mouth, TOM: [ As Marrissa ] "This is so embarassing, I didn't think we'd wear the same thing." > before she opened the screen door. It was time. JOEL: Charlie was close. We could smell him. > > "Mrs. Chagnon?" Marrissa said. CROW: Mrs. Shag None? > The lady nodded, TOM: "I can't hide from that name anymore." > fearful of > what Marrissa was going to say next. JOEL: "We'd like you to come downtown and answer a few questions, please." > "I regret to inform you CROW: You have not won the Star Fleet Publishers Sweepstakes. > that your son, Ensign Anupum Chagnon, JOEL: Anupum Chagnon? The heck? TOM: [ Singing "Animal Crackers" ] Anupum Chagnon in my soup! > perished in the line of > duty, JOEL: And since he wasn't a main character we aren't going to bother finding an impossible way to beam him back from nonexistence or something like that. > when the USS Sarajevo was destroyed by unknown forces, CROW: It was kind of like gravity, only there was this little twist to the side, and it giggled a lot for some reason. > early yesterday morning." JOEL: But don't worry, because of the spacetime anomaly they fell into, they won't actually die until a thousand years of burning, stinging pain has passed. > > Mrs. Chagnon collapsed against the door frame. TOM: Bad time for her legs to give out. > Tears formed CROW: Through a gradual process of continental drift and slow sedimentation. > in the corners of her eyes as, she moaned, "It can't be." JOEL: [ As Marrissa ] "Wait a second... *Shelly* Sugaroon?" TOM: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "No, I'm Rebecca. Shelly lives on the other North Yost Road." JOEL: [ As Marrissa ] "Oh, I feel so silly now... sorry." TOM: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "Don't be, it happens all the time." > > Marrissa had no idea what to say. TOM: Never before had her collection of knock-knock jokes seemed so inadequate. > True, just over two years > ago, she'd been on the other side, JOEL: She'd been Mrs. Shoognan. It was her turn. > when Commander Riker had told > her TOM: Commander Riker knew four years ago that Imapuppy Shaggadoon was going to die? He should've said something. > that both of her parents had died, CROW: Four years before she was born. > but this was different. JOEL: For one thing, it was later on. > What do you say when someone has lost their only son? With > parents, it was different. CROW: They can ground you. > Some day, you expect your parents to > die before you, JOEL: What with their fast living and loose lifestyle. > but not your children. TOM: They're not children, they're just Talky Tina dolls. > > Mrs. Chagnon collected herself, CROW: She wanted to have a complete set. > standing up straight again, > and using a handkerchief to dry her eyes. JOEL: No, that's not a handkerchief, that's sandpaper! > "How did it happen?" TOM: He sneezed and burped at the same time and kept his eyes closed so his head exploded. > > This, Marrissa was prepared for. JOEL: She'd set up the booby traps weeks ago. > Most of her ride over had > been taken up TOM: By a nutty guy trying to talk about Radio Shack and the Federal Reserve almost to the final bus station. > with a review of the end of the starship Sarajevo. > There wasn't much. CROW: It was a pretty sketchy premise. > "The Sarajevo was lost TOM: Did you try retracing your steps until you find it? > in the Gamma Quadrant > while defending New Bajor. JOEL: Against the vicious Captain Blah. > Both ship and colony were lost, and > there will be no remains." TOM: It took most of the ride for her to learn that? > > That last point seemed to shock Mrs. Chagnon the most. CROW: "They lost the whole colony? What kind of yutzes run this Star Fleet? What is this, 17th century Virginia?" > She > collapsed once again against the door frame. JOEL: You know, that touch-sensitive fainting button was a bad thing for her. > "My poor boy." > > Marrissa searched for some way to comfort the lady, TOM: "Uh... we don't actually know that he died blubbering and begging for mercy, we were just assuming it." > and > found none. CROW: "Let me check my bag here... wait... no, nothing." > This was simply beyond her experience. JOEL: Feelings? > So she stood > still, CROW: She's hoping she can blend into the background and Mrs. Shruggle will move on to larger prey. > at attention waiting for Mrs. Chagnon to say something. TOM: "Uh... whose line is it?" > It was with great difficulty that she managed to stay tear free, JOEL: Fortunately, she'd had sponges installed behind her tear ducts. > keeping the neutral mask of duty on. TOM: It's just her little effort to become a kabuki actor. > > Once again, Mrs. Chagnon collected herself. CROW: She's going to sell herself on eBay and use the money to retire! > "Won't you come > in?" JOEL: Bill Bailey? > she said. "You don't have to go on TOM: What you've said is wonderful enough. > to the next person, do > you?" CROW: "Nah, they'll hear it on MSNBC." > > "No, ma'am, you're the only one TOM: Your son was the only guy on the ship. > I have to see," Marrissa > said. JOEL: But did she mean it? > She wanted to comfort the lady somehow. CROW: "If I had a marsupial pouch, I could tuck her inside me for warmth." > And it was true. TOM: So it was written. > Ensign Chagnon had been the only member of the Sarajevo's crew JOEL: They need to hire some temps or something. Flesh out the staff some. > from this planet, TOM: Everybody else had notes from their teachers. > and hence, his mother was Marrissa's only > visit. CROW: She would have to get further training in being a youthful angel of death from other tragic incidences of starship destruction. > > She was shown into a small living room. TOM: She had to miniaturize herself to fit. > Over the fireplace > was a picture of Mrs. Chagnon and Ensign Chagnon. JOEL: Ensign Shaggy Dog didn't have a father. > Mrs. Chagnon > was seated, CROW: Even back then she couldn't take the strain. > and her son stood behind her, slightly to one side, TOM: Making bunny ears. > his hands resting gently on her shoulders. JOEL: He's collecting his mom, now. > > "That's my Anupum," Mrs. Chagnon said proudly. CROW: His color doesn't look off, does it? I got him secondhand. > "We had it > painted TOM: 'Cause that way he lasted longer. > just before he left for the Sarajevo." The ship's name > was said with a sob. CROW: Sob-ijevo? JOEL: Saraje-sob. > Marrissa moved to comfort the lady, but was > waved off. TOM: Pull up! You're too low! Give it another go-round! > "He was so proud of getting that post. JOEL: "We thought his posting as 'Chief Target' was a misprint at best, but he insisted it was normal for a first assignment." > Not every > officer gets posted to a starship with the Sarajevo's reputation CROW: For internal strife and suffering. > out of the Academy, you know. Of course you know, you're in Star > Fleet. JOEL: And that means you have superpowers! > Anyway, he was so surprised that he got the post, after > all he was in the third quarter of his class, JOEL: And the second class of his postage. > and near the bottom > of that quarter at that..." TOM: He was pretty rock stupid, honestly. > > Mrs. Chagnon's eyes rested on a picture CROW: Mrs. Shampoo always popped her eyes out for more relaxed seeing. > of her son as a > young boy, JOEL: Ironically, in the picture he was wearing his "My life's not going to be snuffed out at a young age defending some unimportant planet in another quadrant from vaguely defined aliens!" T-shirt. > as she told her son's hopes and dreams to Marrissa. TOM: Most of them involved prodigious amounts of candy eating. > Marrissa watched and listened as she continued to tell about her > son as he grew up, CROW: "He was very young as an infant of his age, you know." > how he once played football for the local high > school... TOM: After that the team would catch him and make him sit back in the stands. > > "He wasn't the quarterback, JOEL: He wasn't nearly cool enough. > Anupum couldn't throw well > enough, TOM: AnnaNuperin could barely say his name right. > but a wide receiver. CROW: The coach really wanted to put him on the other team, but there were rules... > The girls loved it when he > stretched out JOEL: Showing off his half-human, half-bubble gum heritage. > and caught the pass for a touchdown. TOM: They went wild for him both times. > I don't think > he brought home the same girl for dinner two weeks running, CROW: He'd just gobble her all up and there were no leftovers. > he > was so popular..." JOEL: "Did you hear about that popular kid?" CROW: "Yeah, he's so keen nobody will give him a second date!" > > The high school jersey, number 81, TOM: I bet he got in trouble for losing the first eighty of them. > was enshrined in a trophy > case to the left of the fireplace, CROW: Where that ghost who's scaring Scooby and Tim Conway can see it. > along with several trophies, JOEL: Belonging to his little sister. > including the one for third place in the Academy Marathon. TOM: But there were only two runners in the Academy Marathon. > It > looked to be a rather impressive collection CROW: "Second Grade Field Days Participant" ... "Third Grade Field Days Participant" ... "Dorm Lounge Rat" ... huh. > for a man who died at > just 22 years of age. JOEL: Instantly Marrissa realized Aberdeen Sharparoon was a time traveller who jumped throughout the centuries in his nefarious plans and used this year as a comfortable home base. > > "... he really didn't do the best in school, though, TOM: Maybe he shouldn't have hired Peppermint Patty to tutor him? > and I > was surprised that he got accepted to the Academy, CROW: I never had high hopes for my son. > but Anupum was > always full of surprises. TOM: Like when Anubnub paid those Binar kids to fix up his high school transcript. > I remember once when he..." > JOEL: Oh, no, that was somebody else. Who am I thinking of? > The sun was setting by the time Marrissa left the house. TOM: She would've stayed longer, but Mrs. Shubnub was about to charge rent. > As > she walked back to the hotel JOEL: The Bates Hotel. > to resume her week's furlough, CROW: Mike Dukakis is gonna get blamed for this too. > she > observed the slanting sun light TOM: Oh, no, the sun is falling down! > across the low hills, JOEL: "Hey, you hills! If you had any ambition you'd be mountains! Now snap to it!" > and the > long shadows thrown by the trees. CROW: In a silly attempt to trip people. > Marrissa felt the shadow of > the Ensign's death. JOEL: Wait, no, that's just Peter Pan's shadow, sneaking away. > She'd spend almost her whole day listening > to Mrs. Chagnon, TOM: Well, pretending to listen, and really thinking about Gumby fan fiction. > hearing about her son's honors, CROW: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "Here's his medal for only falling down twice during a half-hour drill." > deeds, JOEL: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "He foreclosed on his old treehouse out back, here's the deed to it." > and > little incidents. TOM: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "There was this time we were going out to eat at Burger King, and we went in separate cars and we went crazy because neither of us could find the other. Turns out he meant the Burger King on Route 7, and we thought he meant the one on Wolf Road!" > It made her feel that she knew Anupum Chagnon. JOEL: That mind-meld where he forced his spirit into her body helped some too. > It did not feel right to continue her vacation, TOM: But she persevered in spite of the hardship, and had a wonderful time. > in the wake of > his death. She felt the darkness of duty closed in as she > entered the hotel. JOEL: They need to brighten up their decor. "Inescapable depressing responsibilities" is not a cheery theme for a resort. > Marrissa took one last look at the last rays > of sunlight CROW: Before the sun went out forever. > disappearing behind the hills. TOM: The sun's playing "peekaboo" with the continent. > The duty had been > sad, JOEL: In case you didn't know. > and it colored her vacation CROW: Or colorized her vacation, anyway. > like the dark red edged cloud JOEL: That's not a cloud! That's the invading flying saucer! > low to the horizon against the darkening sky. She'd be returning TOM: To tell Mrs. Champagne her son died again. > to the Enterprise early, CROW: That was the only way to catch them not working. > and pray that this sad duty TOM: Walking to hotels through metaphors. > was one > she'd never have to do again. JOEL: "If I just hang around the popular characters, they'll never get killed permanently and I won't have to do this again!" > > -- TOM: That's a Morse code M. > > Stephen Ratliff JOEL: The Stephen Ratliff of fanfic writers. > stephenratliff@crosswinds.net CROW: Crosswinds.net... Isn't that a Mercedes Lackey/William Gibson novel? > Personal Works: TOM: An all-purpose productivity suite for the Commodore VIC-20, the Apple II+ and the Atari 800. > http://www.crosswinds.net/~stephenratliff/works JOEL: Stephen Ratliff works! So give him a try! > > So it was to a room full of mostly strangers TOM: And a handful of partial weirdos. > that Marrissa > entered JOEL: She's going subcutaneous on us all! > for her birthday party. And to be honest, CROW: They deserved it. > it would have > been to the same TOM: I have been to the same, and it's pretty much like it is here! > in her home universe. JOEL: Of Qward. > - except from "M&M" chapter 5. > CROW: I prefer the Canadian "Smarties" chapter 7. TOM: Let's blow this popsicle stand. JOEL: [ Picking up TOM. ] About time. [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. Desk. JOEL is sitting by the table, resting his head in his hands and nibbling at his thumb. Cambot is close on JOEL. ] JOEL: Captain's log, star date 55577.3. There is new life in our little office today, as a pair of spunky yet young cadets take their first field assignments and, they hope, finally earn their commissions. [ CAMBOT pulls out, to reveal CROW and TOM SERVO. ] TOM: You wanted to splee us, sir? CROW: See! TOM: See! See us! Captain O'Brian! JOEL: Please. [ Whipping to look at CAMBOT, who zooms in. ] Call me Eel. I'm the dashing yet tormented office commander providing a sense of moral balance and dispensing cynical yet heartfelt bits of wisdom. You're too new yet for me to tell you about my amazing superpowers, though. [ As CAMBOT pulls out. ] As your commanding officer I'll be in command of you unless you're able to earn your comissions and repay the damages you did to the school cafeteria. CROW: Thank you, sir. Eel. Sir. I'm Cadet Timothy "Sparky" Wibberly. [ Whipping to look at CAMBOT, who zooms in. ] I'm a brash young cadet whose self-confidence has lead repeatedly to my downfall in academic and athetic competitions. Despite that, I feel driven to prove myself, taking on tasks beyond my ability. [ As CAMBOT zooms out. ] My friends come to dread the worst of the messes I get myself in, but they appreciate my general good nature and glib self-confidence the rest of the time. I met my pal VE here because we're dressing up as women so we can get an apartment. TOM: And I, Tocopheryl Acetate, [ TOM whips around to face CAMBOT, who zooms in ] or 'VE' as I oddly request to be called, am new to this society. I'm the first member of a Beta Quadrant race to make it through the academy, and though I do my best I find it hard to understand the feelings and loyalties of you humanoid races. [ CAMBOT begins pulling out. ] I requested this assignment, that I may best learn how you endure the worst that can happen. I came to the Alpha Quadrant in search of the men who killed my father, and find for political reasons I'd best work out of the Canadian consulate in Chicago for a time. JOEL: Then I welcome you to this office, one of seventeen located on or in orbit of Earth, but assigned to deal with the hardest cases -- notification of families of those lost to the service to causes exotic or inexplicable or beyond all understanding. [ CAMBOT zooms in. ] Commander Malitol, the fighting young commander who can talk to the young, will be here shortly with your first assignments. [ CAMBOT zooms back out. ] You know, she came to this office originally with her fiancee, who stepped out to get something from his ex-wife, only to have her fiance return to his ex-wife, leaving Malitol stranded here, where she decided to begin a new life. CROW: Sir -- if I may? [ JOEL nods. ] An endless stream of telling people their loved ones have been killed in the line of duty. It seems depressing. How do you survive it? JOEL: If I find out, I'll let you know. [ GYPSY enters. ] GYPSY: Hello. I'm Commander Malitol. [ CAMBOT zooms in. ] The fighting young commander who can talk to the young. I'll be taking you under my wing, but don't mistake that for friendship. [ CAMBOT zooms out. ] That you have to earn. TOM: Wouldn't have it any other way, sir. GYPSY: Very good. You've earned it. CROW: Ooh! I wouldn't have it any other way either. GYPSY: Don't try to butter me up. I don't trust you. CROW: But... but... you're the fighting young commander who can talk to the young. I'm young. [ TOM snickers, nervously, and stops when GYPSY looks at him. ] GYPSY: You aren't suffering through one of the worst tragedies that can strike a person. You're just getting acclimated to your new posting. You'll see my empathy when you need it and not before. CROW: But I have all manner of personal tragedy in my past I haven't told you about yet. GYPSY: Clearly nothing you can't live with, which is more than I can say for your first assignment. Get on down to Margaret Street. Find the parents of Lieutenant Leonard Farnsworth. In a tragic accident in quadrant 875-020-079, his transporter beam crossed the transmission signal of Mike Teevee. TOM: But that would lead to all manner of destructive interference! JOEL: Horrible. Their signals merged in the reception buffer, but when the safeties reversed the transport sequence, that just amplified the problem. GYPSY: Although the last good transporter pattern was used to create a version of himself on the holodeck, he found this lifestyle hopelessly limiting and as of fourteen hours ago was, with his Captain's permission, turned off. Put a good spin on it. Buy some flowers. Maybe chocolate. Maybe a new slinkie. I don't know if he left a farewell message. Find it if he did. [ CROW, TOM look at one another. ] JOEL: You waiting for invitations, Misters? CROW, TOM: No, sir! On our way, sir! Going there, sir! We're out of here... [ They leave. ] [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ] GYPSY: Think they'll get the hang of it? JOEL: For all our sakes, I can only hope so. We'll be right back. [ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK. ] [ THEATER. ALL file in. ] JOEL: I'd watch that show, anyway. > The End of Innocence TOM: Oh, the bittersweet story of how the Clinton impeachment caused America to lose her innocence. JOEL: I bet it's the bittersweet story of how the Iran-Contra affair caused America to lose her innocence. CROW: Nah, it's the bittersweet story of how the Watergate scandal caused America to lose her innocence. > JOEL: Oh, no, it's all about how the Kennedy assassination caused America to lose her innocence. In a bittersweet way. CROW: I bet it's the bittersweet story of how the Quiz Show Scandal caused America to lose her innocence. TOM: I'm hoping it's the bittersweet story of how the Korean War caused America to lose her innocence. > Book 1 of the 72 HOURS TRILOGY TOM: No, you know, it's the bittersweet story of how dropping the atom bomb caused America to lose her innocence. JOEL: It's the bittersweet story of how the Great Depression caused America to lose her innocence. CROW: Nah. It's the story of how Leopold and Loeb represented the end of America's innocence. > JOEL: I bet it's the story of how storytellers figured out America didn't have all that much innocence to lose. > Written by Stephen Tramer CROW: OK, I'm starting to lose hope for this story. > > Edited by Thad Boyd TOM: [ As in introducing "That Girl" ] Edited by.... THAD BOYD! > [Editor's Note: HEEEEEELP!!!!! Save me!!!!] JOEL: There's the sort of omen we want to see. > > Mature Content Advisory TOM: Nobody warning of mature content has ever had mature content. > > > -- VIOLENCE-4 (Vivid blood and gore in one chapter) CROW: Milwaukee 2, in ten innings. > -- PROFANITY-8 JOEL: We probably won't be able to follow the plot if we haven't seen Profanity one through seven. > (The "F" word is frequently used, especially > in the aforementioned chapter, TOM: The weird thing is the "F" word he means is "frond." > among others...non-profane version > coming soon!) CROW: Taking the geologic view of "soon." > -- SEX-0 (What are you? Some kinda PREvert?!) TOM: Those passengers who are elderly, have children, or have elderly children may now begin pre-verting. > [Editor's note: It's "in" around here to mispronounce and > heavily accent the first syllable of "pervert".] JOEL: With an opening like that, you know it's going to be wacky. > > Contents TOM: Malcontents. > > > -- Editor's Foreword. IMPORTANT! CROW: In all of human history, there've been, what, three important editor's forewards? > -- Legal Stuff TOM: I'm hoping we can get a brisk episode of "Law & Order" out of this. > > > 1. Chapter 1: BoB > 2. Chapter 2: Rough Play > 3. Chapter 3: The Seventy-Two Hours > 4. Chapter 4: Survival of the Fittest > 5. Chapter 5: Crucial Repairs CROW: I don't know about you guys, but to me this story is just flying by. > 6. Chapter 6: The Hunt Begins > 7. Chapter 7: The Ultimate Evil > > > -- Epilogue JOEL: And I think we've all learned a little something important from it. > > Editor's Foreword. IMPORTANT STUFF! READ IT!!! CROW: Extry! Extry! Read all about it! Pinball wizard in a miracle cure! > > If you hated my stories TOM: And we know you did. > (The Hunt Begins, The Bargain, and > co-authorship in Jaded Views and Blue Flames) JOEL: Generic Fanfic Titles. When you need a title for your fanfic but don't want to make one up. > for lack of continuity > with the "normal" Sonic universe, read no further, CROW: So is that the Sonic universe where Sonic and company are fighting desperately for freedom against the worldwide war machine of the evil Doctor Robotnik, or is that the Sonic universe where Sonic and company are trying to beat the goofy Doctor Robotnik in a pie-eating contest down at the Mobius Mall-O-Plex? > and I warn you, JOEL: Like I wish I was warned, > don't read anything Brent "Hedgehog X" Roberts writes by himself, CROW: Or you'll turn into a bat. > because even I scoff at his discontinuity TOM: And it is agreement with every minor aside ever thrown into the cartoon that determines the merit of a story. > (lemme put it this way: he > based his entire groundwork on the "Heads or Tails" episode of the > Saturday morning cartoon CROW: I bet that's an episode that featured Sonic's pal Tails. > and his own twisted interpretations of > other members' characters). JOEL: Pssht! The fool. CROW: It's amazing they even let people like that breathe, isn't it? TOM: To think somebody who'd do that might ever be allowed to drive. > > This story, at least, CROW: Or at last. TOM: Last but not least. > has some relation to the "normal" > Sonic reality, JOEL: Except I thought it'd be fun if Sonic and Tweety Bird switched places. > but it can hardly be called a Sonic story. TOM: If it was about basketball and was set in Seattle it might be called a Super-Sonics story, though. > Sonic > himself only appears in one line of the whole thing, JOEL: And there'll be a prize in it if you're the first person to spot that line. > and > Julian/Robotnik and Packbell play fairly trivial roles. CROW: Oh. So it's a fanfic. > Don't, > however, dismiss it just for those reasons, JOEL: Dismiss it for its many other flaws. > as it's a very good > story. TOM: How often do you really have to warn people they're about to read a very good story? > > Finally, and most importantly, CROW: But mostly finally. > if you haven't read both The > Hunt Begins and Jaded Views, JOEL: But, really, who hasn't read them by now? > please go back and read them TOM: Out loud, if need be. > before you > read this, JOEL: Wait, it's too late, we're already reading this. > or you won't have a clue as to what's going on. [ CROW gets up, walks out ] > > > -- Contents TOM: I could swear we've seen this part before. > > Legal Stuff JOEL: I'll take a two-pack of writs a certiorari... TOM: [ As garbed drive-through speaker ] Two pack certi. JOEL: And, uh, gimme a helping of mens rea -- supersize that, too... TOM: [ As garbed speaker ] Super mens rea, anything else? JOEL: Yeah, a large helping of voir dire. That's all. TOM: [ As garbled speaker ] Dire large, that's $4.81, please drive around. > > Don't use this TOM: Internally. > to make any money. JOEL: You have to put your name at the top and send it to six friends to make money. > It cannot be traded TOM: Without the consent of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball. > for > cash, drugs, or sexual favors without the author's permission. TOM: How many times you think he's given permission? > Also, > don't alter it. JOEL: Don't even make bunny ears behind its back when we're taking its picture. [ CROW walks in slowly, from the other side of the theater. ] JOEL: Hey, long time, no see, buddy. > CROW: Yeah, I figured I better find out the stuff from those other stories they told us about. > All characters herein are created by Service and Games TOM: What'd you find? > (SEGA), Stephen Tramer, and by Archie Comics, with the following CROW: Remember the "Jaded Views" experiment? With Maxl and Jade and Tracker fused into this one body, and they got accidentally freed again and now Jade hated them and Maxl was crazy until he sneezed and sent Jade into another dimension? > exceptions (alphabetical by character's first name): JOEL: [ As CROW gets to TOM's and his seat ] I remember. > CROW: And we did that little "The Prequel Menace" giving our best guess how they got joined together, and it was this silly thing about screwing around just after gym class in middle school? > Amaroq Kapugen - Jesse Rhodes TOM: All too well. > Bookshire Draftwood - David Pistone CROW: Turns out we were right. JOEL: This is why we never do satire, guys, the world will top it. > Girard - TOM: We leave this space for everybody who wants to make a reference to Doctor Richard Kimble now. > A real person, who CROW: Who would have guessed? > really did > light his hair on > fire once. JOEL: So, wait, is he going to be the comedy relief? > Hedgehog X - Brent Roberts CROW: Brent Roberts, with sports. > Jade - Thad Boyd & Stephen > Tramer TOM: Thad Boyd blames her on Steven Tramer, and Stephen Tramer insists Thad Boyd created Jade. > Kabuki Ninomiya - Jill Quindiagan CROW: Quick, pick the name that isn't made up. > Mega Man X - Capcom Games JOEL: Capcom games. The official games of Mission Control. > Packbell - David Pistone CROW: Wow, Bookshire Draftwood *and* Packbell. Stephen and Thad must've paid for the *deluxe* generic Sonic fanfic package. > > > -- Contents JOEL: Ever feel like we're just going in circles? > > AD 3236 TOM: Next Sunday, in fact. > Hidden Base, Mobius JOEL: They can't stay hidden once they take a crunch of Cap'N Crunch. > > Chapter 1 > BoB CROW: No, no, it's "B to B." You'll never make any money on the Internet if you can't get that right. TOM: Or any other way, either. > > The man nodded. "Good work, Karl," he said. JOEL: And good work, Karl Malden's nose. > > Karl nodded and replied, "It's ready, Crotswurth. TOM: It was under ten minutes. The pizza's not free. > Good luck > to ya!" CROW: Don't let the door hit you on the way -- JOEL: WHAM! TOM: OW! CROW: Never mind! > > Crotswurth smiled. JOEL: [ As Crotswurth, after chuckling ] "He doesn't know a thing." CROW: [ As Karl, after chuckling ] "He doesn't know a thing." > He and Karl had been friends TOM: Imaginary friends. > since awhile > before they burned Bluebrook with Julian to get the Life Jades. JOEL: Which are so *way* different from the Chaos Emeralds it's not funny. > Karl > had proved valuable as a friend, hacker, and electrician. TOM: Good times, great friends, and a thorough understanding of Kirchoff's laws. > > Karl finished polishing the hovercycle, JOEL: [ As Karl ] I like to rub. > and stepped aside. > Crotswurth climbed on. TOM: [ As Crotswurth ] I like when you rub. > > "Remember," said Karl, "get the Life Jades JOEL: Get the Life Jades, container of milk, stick of butter. Get the Life Jades, container of milk, stick of butter. > and get back here > pronto. CROW: If you're not back before midnight you'll turn into a pumpkin. > I don't want you to fall in with a fast crowd, [ JOEL, TOM begin chuckling. ] > if you catch > my drift." [ ALL chuckle conspiratorially for a moment. Then, silence. ] CROW: [ As Crotsworth ] What do you mean? > > Crotswurth smiled and said, "Karl, don't worry. JOEL: I wouldn't, but... well, it's the introduction to the opposite sketches. > I'll get > back in one piece. TOM: Well, me in one piece and the hoverbike in one other, separate piece. > And be on the lookout for Jade. CROW: She's considered magical and downright goofy. > She was supposed > to be here three days ago..." JOEL: Oh, but you forgot about the Daylight Saving Time. > > "Roger," said Karl, TOM: [ Quick reply ] Ramjet. > and Crotswurth sped off into the forest. CROW: Aaaaand he hits a pine tree. [ JOEL makes a crash noise. ] TOM: Aaaaand he crashes into a Dutch elm. [ JOEL makes a crash noise. ] CROW: Aaaaand he runs into an oak. [ JOEL makes a crash noise. ] TOM: Aaaaand he hits a rubber tree. JOEL: Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing! > > The bullet zinged through the center of the target, TOM: Heeey... he didn't fire a bullet, the "target" was a long-play record! > and then > the target burst into flame. JOEL: Looks like the target picked the wrong week to start drinking lighter fluid. > "[ Bleep ]," said a voice, "Maxl, are > you sure I can do that?" > > "Sure, Tracker," said Maxl, "it's all in the wrist. JOEL: It's 110 percent mental, though. TOM: Just gotta have good arms. CROW: And the first 90 percent's preparation. The other 90 percent's practice. > Well, > most of it anywayz." [Editor's note: I like spelling anywayz that > way. JOEL: "I won't stop editing until I've savaged the language." > Anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz!] TOM: As long as the editor's amused, what's it matter if everybody else is annoyed? > > He handed the revolver to Tracker, JOEL: Who handed back a hat and pulled two bunnies out of it. > who shot at a different > target. CROW: The generic random training scene, ladies and gentlemen. > The bullet barely skimmed JOEL: The milk. > the edge. JOEL: The edge of the milk. > > "You," said Maxl, pointing at Tracker, TOM: [ As Maxl ] Hey, where'd you go? > "had better stick to > knives, daggers, and swords JOEL: And crying. > until you can hit the center of that > target." CROW: And get your Kobayashi Maru time up to at least twenty minutes. > > Maxl and Tracker had been good friends for quite a while, JOEL: Easily all the way back to Mrs. Furey's sixth period English class. > but not as close as Karl and Crotswurth were. TOM: They drew the line at sharing their Underroos. > They had been two > different personalities of a creature named Maxl, who had spawned JOEL: And then drowned in the Columbia River. > three different beings: Maxl, Tracker, and Jade. ALL: Oh, my! > Jade was the enemy > of Maxl and Tracker, CROW: And, uh, vice-versa. > partly because she thought of herself as a > superior being. TOM: Given that Maxl and Tracker, last we saw them, spent their free time trying to repeatedly run headfirst into a tree, I'm going to have to side with Jade on this one. > > Some time the year before, CROW: But sometime after this scene. > Maxl had mysteriously vanquished > Jade by nasal discharge, JOEL: Mostly we were just grossed out. > and had then been offered TOM: Five dollars if he's got a spoon in his purse. Fifteen dollars if it's sterling silver. Ten dollars for anyone who has a toothbrush. > a chance to join > the Knothole Freedom Fighters. CROW: But who hasn't gotten a chance to join the Knothole Freedom Fighters? > He politely declined, mostly because, TOM: Well, *look* at them. > as has been mentioned, CROW: But we didn't really want to go into in depth, > he had some very odd powers that he wanted to > gain control of, JOEL: Like his ability to get beaten up before homeroom. > not to mention his questionable sanity. CROW: You know he's screwed up when he has too many annoying personality flaws to join Sonic and the crew. > > A hovercycle sped by their hut, TOM: And *that* was the whole Knothole Village Rush Hour. > but Maxl paid no attention > to it. CROW: He's not a very good traffic engineer. > However, Tracker looked at it with interest. JOEL: [ As Tracker ] Maybe if I keep staring, it'll throw me some food. > "Maxl," he said, > "did you see what just passed us?" TOM: And what that guy had on his head? > Maxl shook his head. CROW: [ As Maxl ] Tom Slick didn't lap us, did he? > > "It was the same guy who's been watching us," continued > Tracker. TOM: You know, like we never discussed him doing before. > "He seems somehow familiar... JOEL: Like the guy who's been watching us, or somebody. > he was heading toward > Robotropolis. TOM: Maybe he just had a flight to catch at Robotropolis International Airport. CROW: Or he could've been taking in the Mobius World Series at the Robotropolis Yards Ball Park. JOEL: He could've been heading to the Grand Palace de Robotropolis for the shopping and fine dining, too. > Think we should check it out?" CROW: Could've been over the border. In Mexico, even. > > Maxl nodded and said, "Let's go inside and get some stuff we > might need. JOEL: Then we'll go outside, drop that stuff, and go back inside and get some stuff we can't possibly use. > I want you to take an automatic pistol, just in case. TOM: Oh, and an electric toothbrush, because you're sure to have lunch there. > Let's go." Maxl walked inside the hut, CROW: Where he discovered the professor had made a telephone out of coconuts. > followed by Tracker. JOEL: And they were both followed by the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot. CROW: You three stay out of here! > > Packbell leapt backwards. TOM: Accidentally pressing the button that released the Freedom Fighters and started the self-destruct system on Robotnik's newest scheme to blow up Knothole Village and take over the world. > "Yipe!" he yelled. CROW: And he's not even startled, Yipe is just the name of his newest goofy hench-robot. > "What the > [ bleep ] was that?!" JOEL: Hey, don't make us wash your mouth out with Mobian soap, now. > > There was a blinding flash of light. CROW: Aw, great, Q's in this. > The Life Jades, TOM: Not to be confused with the Chaos Emeralds. > which > were lying on the table, JOEL: Car keys, loose change, nail clipper, Life Jades, garage remote... > glowed with intense power. CROW: Hard-hitting rocks sitting on table action! > > When the light cleared, JOEL: And the Polaroid developed... > a green badger was standing in a > corner of the room. TOM: That happens every time I turn off a light in my room too. > "Finally," she said, "I'm free. JOEL: Come, Sasha! I'm finally freeeeeeeee! > Get outta my > way, you," she said, CROW: And you! Get in my way! Now the both of you, swap positions! Hah! I love being drunk with power! > walking towards Packbell and attempting to > shove him aside. TOM: This is pretty much the same role Packbell plays in all these stories. > > Packbell's hand became a gun, JOEL: Packbell's tongue became a VCR. > and he fired a few shots in > Jade's direction. CROW: I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess, he misses. > She threw herself at the floor JOEL: Hi, floor! I never noticed before but you're kind of cute! > and vanished in a > whoosh of wind. CROW: It's called a tornado. JOEL: She sure picked the wrong day to start wearing her Mobile Home outfit. > > Crotswurth leaned forward. TOM: We've replaced the Packbell normally served here with this other guy. Let's see who notices the difference. > Suddenly, a man in a tie and a > checkered, double-knit suit jumped in front of him. CROW: George Steinbrenner For The Defense! > Crotswurth put > on the brakes. > JOEL: This story's so good we don't care there's no way to tell when one scene stops and another one starts. > "Howdy-do, neighbor!" the stranger said. TOM: And he immediately gets slapped. > "I'm BoB! I'm a > used car salesman from Earth! CROW: I'm here to make sure the story never shows its audience any respect! > Wanna see my inventory?" TOM: Or do you just want to get yourself rust-preventative coating? > > Crotswurth frowned and drew a pistol JOEL: Is he taking art lessons too? > from the flannel shirt > he was wearing. TOM: Flannel is very popular. > "Get the [ bleep ] outta my way," he said. JOEL: Here's a shovel, try to push the bleep over to the side. > > "Nice piece," said BoB. TOM: And your gun's neat too. > "Here's mine!" JOEL: Have it back by Sunday, don't leave me with less than half a tank full! > He drew an incredibly > large missile launcher from his pocket CROW: This is precisely as wacky as any episode of "Bonkers." > somehow and said, "Buy > something or one of my missiles goes through your head! TOM: So *this* is what's become of Sanford Wallace. > How 'bout > some clips for that Uzi?" JOEL: I've got to sell him something ... I know! Hey, mister! You need a *house* to go with this doorknob! > > Crotswurth nodded and said, "Anything to get you outta my > way!" TOM: I will buy anything you want, but I won't buy that. > He handed over some cash, and BoB gave him a clip. CROW: You suppose that's in U.S. dollars, or British pounds, or Mobian credits or... what? > > "Have a nice day!" said BoB as he stepped aside. TOM: Have fun storming the castle! > "[ Bleep ]," he muttered as Crotswurth sped off. > > Maxl ran. Tracker followed him. JOEL: Suddenly a pirate ship appeared over the horizon. > A man wearing a tie and a > checkered, double-knit suit jumped in front of them. TOM: I think his Gizmonics Institute logo has taken over there. > "Hey!" he said. > "It's you! I'm BoB!" CROW: You know, Bob spelled backwards is Bob. > > Maxl shoved BoB aside and said, TOM: "Is there *anybody* who knows what the plot is or how to advance it? Anybody?" > "BoB, I've nevuh metcha in > my life. CROW: But I do remember that time we met three weeks after my death! > Now get the [ bleep ] outta my way; JOEL: This is a no-bleeping zone anyway. > I'm followin' that man > who's on the hovercycle." TOM: He's a man on a motorcycle on a mission. > > Tracker's eyes widened. "Maxl," he gasped, CROW: I don't think this is the real Bob Newhart! > "did you just > speak with a New York accent?" JOEL: Stephen Tramer and Thad Boyd really have captured the subtleties of a New Yorker's speech patterns. > > "Uhhh...force of habit, I guess," CROW: That's what you call it when you get bossed around by a nun's clothes... see... 'cause it's the force of *habit*. > Maxl replied in his normal > voice. TOM: OK, now can you talk like Kramer from Seinfeld? > > "No it's not," Tracker said. "You haven't talked like that CROW: You *never* talk like that to me anymore! You don't care about my needs! > since you defeated Jade... JOEL: And now you'll need all your strength for your upcoming battle with Crimson and Vermillion! > I've got a bad feeling about this..." TOM: That's no Robotnik! That's the Death Star! > > BoB scowled and said, "Nevermind. Now, howzabout," [Editor's > note: I like spelling howzabout with a "z" too! So there!] CROW: Sure, we hurt now, but someday, thirty years from now, Thad Boyd is going to apply for a job, and the routine screening will dig *this* editing job off the Internet, and he'll have to explain it to a boss he's really trying hard to impress. TOM: Yeah, but thirty more years of the Internet and that'll *be* the right way to spell "how's about." > "some > decent transportation?" He opened a briefcase JOEL: Oh, I bet this folds out into George Jetson's car. > he had been carrying > the whole time that Maxl and Tracker had somehow not noticed, TOM: And these sharp wits are our heroes for today. > and > produced a VW Bug from it. CROW: Heck, you're just driving through thick forest patrolled by evil SwatBots ready to shoot anything that isn't camouflaged and highly mobile! Why not get a toy wind-up car? > > "Hop in," said BoB, "and let's get that [ bleep ]. JOEL: I call the back-back seat! CROW: No way! I want the back-back seat! TOM: Gimme! It's my turn! JOEL: We can't all ride in the back-back seat! TOM: Why not? CROW: All our legs'll get little spotty dot patterns all over them. TOM: It's worth it! We all get the back-back seat! > He didn't > want to buy anything from me!" CROW: So far, are we rooting for anybody? > > > -- Contents JOEL: I wonder if they settled any during shipping. > > Chapter 2 > Rough Play CROW: This chapter is going to be fun and games until somebody loses an eye. > > Crotswurth drew the Uzi and rammed the hovercycle TOM: He made a mistake, he rammed the Uzi and drew the hovercycle! > into the > door of Robotnik's HQ. JOEL: [ As Robotnik ] "Who *is* it?" TOM: [ Gruff voice, screaming ] "It's the plumber! I've come to fix the sink!" > Karl had done a good job of attaching a > warhead to the front of the vehicle, TOM: Considering his limitations. > the geneticist mused as he > jumped clear of the speeding jetbike, CROW: And smashed his skull into an oak tree. > escaping the explosion, JOEL: This is a very well-scripted explosion. > which > destroyed the door CROW: He insulted the door until it had no self-esteem left. > (the same door Packbell had unlocked a few > minutes before). TOM: Packbell left the door open for the milkman. > Crotswurth got up, and ran into the building. CROW: Bonk! JOEL: You'd think he would've seen it. > BoB's > VW Bug wasn't far behind, either. JOEL: Herbie's only five minutes old, but in this wet air he's already rusted out. > > Crotswurth fired into the air. TOM: Must be a Miami driver. > The bullets ricocheted off > the ceiling, and struck the metal floor. CROW: Maybe the shooting bullets thing wasn't such a good idea. > The scientist ran towards > the hallway, JOEL: [ As Crotswurth ] OH NO! This is the wrong Russell Sage hall! I'm gonna be late for the exam! > where he had arranged his meeting, TOM: Finally, some meaningful discussion about our zoning policies! > when he (literally) > ran into the badger he was looking for. CROW: Inside, he found Sir Galahad and... > She fell down to the floor. > > Crotswurth turned and said, "Jade? Izzat you?" JOEL: Hey, how'd they set up this little meeting if she was trapped in some alternate dimension by Maxl's sneezing? TOM: Maybe they just had it planned, like, years in advance and got really lucky? > [Editor's > note: The letter "z" kicks [ bleep ] !] CROW: [ Sighing ] Maybe we could get Steve Martin to cook Thad Boyd's brain? Just a little? > > Jade got up off the ground TOM: You'll love your new Hover-Badger! ALL: Hover-Badger. > and said, "Of course, you > bastard! JOEL: This is some weird kind of Sam and Diane thing they have going. > I already have the Jades; let's get outta here!" TOM: So how does the Death Egg figure into this? > > Right then Packbell came down the hall yelling, JOEL: "Mommy! Daddy! They're being mean to me! Mommy!" > "Damn you! TOM: You finally did it! You blew it all up! > How did you suddenly reappear behind me after you vanished? CROW: Packbell is introduced to the concept of walking. > You'll > pay for that!" > > "Let's move," said Crotswurth, TOM: I reiterate to emphasize how urgent I find the need to move. > and he ran down the hall, > Jade at his heels. JOEL: If he doesn't stop that he's going to have a heap of squished badger. > After they got outside, they were nearly run over > by BoB's VW Bug. CROW: But it bounced off them with a comical squeaking noise. > "[ Bleep ]!" said Crotswurth. "It's that used car > salesman! Let's get outta here!" JOEL: Nemer Volkswagon, ten giant steps east of the Northway, exit six. > > "No problem," said Jade, and she vanished, TOM: Ooh, they have a cloak of invisibility. CROW: Now if we could get them under the Cone of Silence. > taking Crotswurth > with her. JOEL: You know, I hope that teleporter doesn't make their molecules scramble together. > > "[ Bleep ]!" yelled Maxl, in his New York accent, as the Bug > spun out of control. TOM: Those of you playing along at home may want to make a cabbie joke here. > He crashed into the side of the vehicle, JOEL: You have to be driving pretty recklessly to crash into your own car. > smashing his wrist communicator. CROW: Thus explaining why Dick Tracy won't be coming to the rescue. > "It's Crotswurth...and, what's > worse, Jade's with him! TOM: And worse still, he's wearing my new dress! > To top it off, they just disappeared! BoB, > let's go back." JOEL: No sense wasting time looking for clues or anything. > > BoB frowned, CROW: I just remembered -- I can't drive automatic! > turned the Bug around, and sped off. TOM: He has just enough time to win the race down Volcano Mountain, if he gets the help of Racer X. > > Karl was sitting in front of a computer terminal CROW: "Why don't those flying toasters ever have to rest?" > when Jade > walked into the room with Crotswurth. TOM: And now our celebrity panel will try do determine... what's my line? > He turned around in his > pivoting chair and said, "Jade! What the [ bleep ] happened to you?" JOEL: [ As Jade ] I tried to tell a cabbage from a lettuce. > > Jade frowned and said, "It's a long story. CROW: But if you haven't seen The Carol Channing Show, I'm not going to bother telling you. > Try to hack > Robotnik's computer system TOM: So that we can show the audience how fearsome a team this is, that they're able to crack into a computer system whose password, after six years, is *still* 'changeme'. > while I tell it to you." > > Karl smiled and replied, "Can do." CROW: So I guess he won't teach. > > BoB slammed on the brakes. JOEL: He blamed them for everything. > "Have a nice day, guys; I hope to > see you again. TOM: [ As Maxl ] Huh-huh, not if we see you first. > And be on the lookout for a guy called Girard. JOEL: Depardieu? > If you > see a guy with his hair on fire, that's him. TOM: Prince? JOEL: Michael Jackson? CROW: Richard Pryor? JOEL: Michael J. Fox? CROW: Patrick Stewart? TOM: Huh? CROW: Didn't know that about him, did you? > Tell him I have a new > stock of matches, would you please?" > > Maxl nodded, TOM: See, this story is so wacky fun because the characters don't really respond to the stuff one another says. > and stepped out of the car with Tracker. BoB > drove off, JOEL: This is exactly what my dad used to threaten to do if my sister and I didn't stop punching. > and Tracker, who had been rather quiet for the past > half-hour TOM: 'Cause he accidentally fell into an episode of "Darkwing Duck." > said, "So, are we going to see them, or what?" CROW: You know. Before they get all overrun and touristy. > > Maxl had a puzzled look on his face. TOM: [ As Maxl ] Wait. How do I do stuff, again? > "See who?" he inquired. > > "Who else," Tracker answered, "than the Knothole Freedom > Fighters. JOEL: I think it'd be more fun to meet Armin Shimmerman and Robert Beltran live at this week's Creation Star Trek Convention of Wild Delights. > I thought I saw Jade back there, TOM: But I would've had to look to make sure. > and I believe that this > time, it's gonna take more than you blowing your nose to get rid of > her. CROW: I just feel very strongly that things are going to be longer and harder this time, is all. > We're gonna need some help...more than BoB can give us." JOEL: More help than Herbie? How much do you *want* from him? > > "Y'right," said Maxl. "S'bout time I paid 'em a visit > anyway... TOM: Jade still has the Introduction to Earth Sciences book I have to return to Mrs. Dutton in fourth period. > they owe me." > > RESTRICTED ACCESS ENTER PASSWORD JOEL: I think we're back trying to hack into Robotnik's computer. > > The words flashed in bright red on Karl's screen. "Here we CROW: Yeah. I'm gonna guess it's "RobotnikRules." > go," he said, and typed the following: TOM: I'm gonna guess "SonicSucks." > F:\CRYPTO\MONKI.EXE -START ASC(30) END ASC(231) CROW: Why is it in all these stories computers are incredibly dumb DOS-wannabees or mind-reading supercomputers with free will and chipper personalities? JOEL: They're running the new Plot OS. > > "Well," said Karl, turning away from the ancient PC he was TOM: OK, so maybe the password is "RobotnikIsSuper." > using as gibberish flew across the screen, "so Maxl's back? We'll CROW: "SonicsABigLoser." > take care of him ASAP. Sounds like he's as messed-up as ever..." TOM: "IHateKnothole." > NO MATCHES CROW: "EvilWarlordsAre#1." > > "Damn!" Karl exclaimed, turning toward the terminal and CROW: "HedgehogsAreUglyAndTheirMothersDressThemFunny." > seeing the irritating message. "Now I have to start over again." He TOM: Joel? What's your guess? > typed at the terminal until the screen finally printed: JOEL: "AllOfTheAbove." > ACCESS GRANTED. CROW: Hey! Nice trick. TOM: How'd you know? JOEL: You just have to talk the computer's language. > WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND? _ CROW: Start that Solitaire game. I want to play. > > Karl smiled and typed in, TOM: She-Hulk... Thundercat Cheetara... romance... with pictures... > LIFE JADE INFO JOEL: These and other four-letter words tonight, on "60 Minutes II." > > The souped-up PC took several minutes to respond: CROW: Rita the cat... Romana squirrel... Rags the Tiger... > ACCESS DENIED. TOM: NOW COME UP HERE AND LET ME SLAP YOU SOME. > LEVEL-6 ACCESS REQUIRED FOR REQUESTED > INFORMATION. JOEL: They should've looked up the Life Jade's prefix codes. > > "Double [ bleep ]!" said Karl, TOM: What are they doing, having basic security precautions on critically important objects? > breaking the connection. > > "Improved security," Jade muttered. CROW: They've got blankets *and* teddy bears now. > "I feared that. Without > that info, TOM: We're gonna have to drive around all day looking for someplace to eat. > it's gonna take us seventy-two hours to destroy life > instead of a mere twenty-four." JOEL: Is that really a job you have to hurry? CROW: Yeah, I mean, so what if you're a couple days late in it? It's not like a delay would be the end of the world. > > Karl, who had just realized TOM: That he wasn't actually in this fanfic; he belonged to a shorter one, across town. > that the Jades themselves would > be at least level six access, CROW: Those level six accessees get *all* the cool stuff. > shuddered and, instead of revealing > that insight, said, JOEL: "You ever notice 'chew' is a funny word?" > "I thought this was just to get rid of Robotnik. TOM: And leave behind the fresh scent of pine. > If not, you can count me out." > > The hacker got up out of the chair, CROW: Oh, I bet we're headed for some wacky comedy about how hackers live on junk food and caffeinated soda. > and was prepared to > leave, when a piece of cold metal pressed against his head. JOEL: You *will* take my commemorative state quarter honoring South Carolina, "The Palmetto State"! > Karl > knew it was Crotswurth's Uzi. TOM: That's your generic fanfic gun. > > "You ain't goin' anywhere, bud. CROW: None of us remembers how to open doors. > I used you this whole time," JOEL: Except when you were on break. > Crotswurth lied, wishing his friend had decided to cooperate rather > than choosing to be annihilated. TOM: See, it's touches of personality like that that make the story so good. > "Now say goodbye." JOEL: OK, lady, I love you, bye-bye. > He pulled the > trigger on the Uzi, and heard a clicking sound. > > At that moment, Karl grabbed Crotswurth's arm, and threw him > into the computer terminal, smashing the monitor. Jade drew a knife > from her boot, and lunged at Karl. The hacker threw himself at the > floor, and the badger flew over him. JOEL: This is a lot of action considering nothing's going on. > > Karl got up and ran out the door, TOM: He beats the tag and... safe! > knowing he had to find > Maxl. > > Maxl and Tracker walked through the forest, ALL: Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick Road... > looking for a > Teleportation Ring. JOEL: You know, you think Teleportation Rings are all over the place, but when you really *need* one they're just gone. > Unknown to the badgers, CROW: The town of Nucla, Colorado once organized a Prarie Dog Hunt in the hopes that it would bring tourists and revitalize their economy. > they were being followed > by a man with a bleeding lip TOM: That'd be Captain Kirk in any fight scene. > who was wearing a black T-shirt and > some ragged shorts. JOEL: Isn't that what The Incredible Hulk wears on laundry day? > > "How hard is it to find TOM: A decent bagel in this town? > one o' those things?!" Tracker > muttered irately. > > Maxl tripped over something. CROW: I bet he found a hole in the plot. > "Ouch!" he exclaimed. JOEL: [ Flatly ] "I really mean ouch!" > "What > the [ bleep ] was that?!" He brushed TOM: And flossed. > off the top of what he had JOEL: And tried not to regret what he didn't have. > tripped over and found the TOM: Lost City of Atlantis? > concealed wreckage of a hovercycle. JOEL: Fonzie of the Future was nowhere to be seen. > > "Huh?" Tracker wondered. CROW: That's pretty much all the personality Tracker has. > "Could this be the one TOM: Could it be our true love? > that > Crotswurth was driving?" JOEL: It does have an "I Burned Bluebrook With Julian To Get The Life Jades" bumper sticker. > > Maxl shook his head. [ ALL make baby rattle noises. ] > "It exploded, 'member? CROW: That what he gets for filling the gas tank with a can of Coke and a packet of Pop Rocks. > I'd like ta meet > d'guy dat did dat TOM: He's sending a Morse code 'K'. > job...most likely Unca Karl, JOEL: Or maybe it was elves. > but maybe not. Dis > he' hovacycle CROW: Aah! He somehow crossed Movie Brooklyn with Bunnie Rabbot's accent! > don't look dat wrecked, do'...in fact, it looks like > it still might woik!" JOEL: Hovercycles usually fix themselves if you just leave them alone. > > Tracker examined it intently and replied, TOM: "I think it's broke." > "Yeah, it'll still > work. Looks like the hull isn't too broken up, CROW: If we can just scrape the barnacles off of it. > and the engine > appears JOEL: Live on Broadway to sold-out crowds! > to be intact..." > > "Of course it is," TOM: Don't be ridiculous. > said a voice CROW: What, besides a voice, would say words? > from behind them, "it's > mine. JOEL: All mine! I'm rich! I'm fabulously wealthy! > Now get up -- I wanna see who you are." > > Maxl stood up, drew a pistol from his pocket, TOM: And a pocket from his locket. CROW: A flagon from his wagon? > and turned > around to face X. JOEL: [ As Maxl ] "Don't hit me!" > "You?!" the badger exclaimed. CROW: [ As X ] "No, I'm just filling in for a me to be named later." > "What a > coinkadeenk, JOEL: Isn't that the new game show premiering just after "Blockbusters" on most of these CBS stations? > I was just lookin' for ya." TOM: Do you know where I could find you? > > X stared at Maxl and said, "How's it goin'? CROW: How's it hanging? What's the good word? You getting enough oxygen? How's the weather up there? Is Kiss in town? Take a penny, leave a penny. > You sane enough > to help us now?" JOEL: We're on an important mission to sneak into Robotropolis, get caught, have Sonic rescue us, and escape again. > > Maxl rolled his eyes and said, "I t'ink I need your help, TOM: I got this itch right where I can't reach it. > and, as ya can hear, Jade's back, CROW: And she's bigger than ever. > and I'm barely keepin' m'sanity. > Just saw Sis dis mornin' an' I t'ink she's gonna try ta kill me > again. JOEL: I probably shouldn't have teased her My Little Pony collection. Or dropped that cake pan on her head when she was five. > Take me ta da Hidden Palace; TOM: The least successful casino in Atlantic City. > I'll explain there." > > "Before you go," said another voice, "here's some advice." JOEL: Watch out for snakes! > > "Unca Karl!" Maxl exclaimed, TOM: Are you gonna pull a quarter out of my ear? > turning around to see the man > who had been tailing them. "Why ain'tcha helpin' Crotswurt'?!" JOEL: [ As Karl ] I'm fickle. > > "He's gone too far," Karl replied. CROW: He ran to the very edge of the world, and fell off. > "You're the only one who > can stop him, TOM: Unless somebody else tries. > and if you don't in seventy-two linear hours, JOEL: But that's, uh... like, five hundred and four dog hours. > all life > will be destroyed. CROW: Is that all life on Mobius or all life in the whole universe? JOEL: And does that cover alternate universes? TOM: Is it going to take out cute little robots too? > Now, I'll tell you where his hideout is..." > > Maxl finished his story JOEL: And Uncle Karl made Tracker pull his finger and then he passed out on the living room couch. > of what had happened to him in the > past year. > > "So," said X, TOM: A needle pulling thread. That's pretty serious, son. > "you're telling us that Jade is back CROW, JOEL: And she's bigger than ever. > from > wherever she went? How? I wanna help..." TOM: Unless you want me to move your couch again. I won't do that. > > Maxl scowled. "I know I asked for ya help," he said, "but > don'tcha 'memba what Unca Karl said?! CROW: He said, "Hi, I'm Uncle Karl?" > Dis ain't about Jade at > all...or maybe it is. JOEL: Hold on, let me check my notes. > All dat I know is CROW: I need you to hug me already! > dat dis has TOM: And that's a Morse code "D". > somethin' ta do > wit' Crotswurt' plottin' ta do away with life as we know it... JOEL: Jim. > and > I'm d'only one dat can stop 'im." CROW: He's the last of the Jedi knights. TOM: No, there's another. > > "I'd listen to him if I were you," CROW: And I know you are. > came a voice from the > doorway. JOEL: Who'd have guessed the doorway had such strong feelings about the story? > > > -- Contents TOM: A whole bunch of typing and a smidgen of writing. > > Chapter 3 > The Seventy-Two Hours JOEL: I mean 71 hours, 59 minutes, 55 sec... 52 second... 45 second... uh, just a little under 72 hours. > > Maxl turned around to face CROW: He's been doing pirouettes this whole story. JOEL: Tonight the part of Maxl will be played by a lazy Susan. > the direction the voice had come > from, TOM: The direction from which the voice had *come*, please. > and was surprised to see BoB standing in the doorway. JOEL: And I think that's a fire code violation, too. CROW: This fanfic is losing all its credit on technical problems. > "BoB!" > he cried. "How'd ya get here?!" TOM: I hung a left at the annoying guy, turned right at the annoying girl, and here I am. > > BoB smiled and said, "I... CROW: Have no idea. > have a few tricks up my sleeve. TOM: But he's not wearing a shirt. > Yeah, that's the ticket." JOEL: Failure to yield. 75 dollars and three points on your license. > > "Who the hell is he?!" asked Amaroq, pointing at the man in CROW: The yellow hat? > the checkered, double-knit suit. TOM: If it's doubly knit, should't there be like four arms in it? CROW: You lost me on that one, Tom. TOM: I'm just saying, you know, knit twice and all that. JOEL: You're standing alone here. > > Maxl scowled at Amaroq CROW: [ As Maxl ] When did you get here? > and said, "He's BoB. JOEL: And Bob... is boring. TOM: What if we look at Bob from space? Bob upside-down? Over water? Under water? Bob as a sandwich? > He's a used car > salesman." CROW: We couldn't afford a new salesman, so getting a used one was about as good. > By then, everyone was looking at BoB. JOEL: [ As BoB ] Um... is this thing on? > > "Hey!" said X. "He's the guy who tried to sell me a Yugo CROW: You see, Yugos are so very funny your audience will laugh if you just mention them. > awhile ago, shortly before I met you two and Jade! TOM: I hope the thrilling 'Bob tries to sell X a Yugo' scene is in the prequel to this. > I knew that suit > looked familiar..." JOEL: It's the costume SuperChicken always wore! > > "But," said BoB, "this has nothing to do with a Yugo. JOEL: Hah! Ridiculing the Yugo still hasn't lost its comic edge! TOM: We've got exactly the level of wackiness you usually see in "Captain Ribman." > It has > to do with time. CROW: It's gonna take time, a whole lot of precious time. > You see, all times are actually occurring > simultaneously; TOM: Hoo, boy. We better brace ourselves, guys, we're in for a gale of cliche and nonsense. > thus, time travel is simply a specific point in the > broader picture of reality-hopping. JOEL: That's pretty much the generic science fiction explanation for everything. > > "One method of time travel involves meeting or breaking > light-speed," BoB continued. TOM: Other methods involve the author forgetting what year he said it was. > "A couple centuries back on the planet > Earth, JOEL: No, wait, it's Vulcan I'm thinking of. Never mind me. > there was a much-esteemed scientific genius known as Albert > Einstein who said CROW: "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein." > that breaking the speed of light is impossible; TOM: It's just too freespirited. > however, as speed is only relative, JOEL: And you only spend time with your relatives when you have to. > there's reason to believe it > might not be. TOM: The key evidence being the extensive footnotes Einstein left on all his original manuscripts reading, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha, suckers!" > Say you have two objects traveling in opposite > directions at light-speed, and you use one as a reference point to > measure the other's speed. ALL: You have two objects travelling in opposite directions at light-speed, and you use one as a reference point to measure the other's speed. > In effect, the latter is moving at twice > the speed of light. Get it?" > > "Ummm...kinda," said Maxl. TOM: [ As Maxl ] But doesn't the necessary contraction of the Riemannian tensors alter the spacetime coordinates of the objects moving apart -- thus also altering the measured velocities of both objects -- thereby keeping the relative speed within the limits of modern relativity theories? > > "Yeah," said Hedgehog X. "I get it. Nice theory." CROW: [ As X, aside ] "And we're trusting this guy with anything more precious than a cake mix?" > > "Breaking the speed of light, however," BoB added, "is not > the way I prefer to use. JOEL: I just mention it to show off how little science I know. > I like the method of passing TOM: You know, where you keep right except to pass. > through a > higher dimension much better; it's typically less taxing than the > light-speed method." CROW: Plus the rest stops in higher dimensions are cleaned better. > > "What about this Crotswurth guy?" Sonic asked, changing the > subject. JOEL: Hey, this story's a crossover with Sonic the Hedgehog ... who knew? > [Editor's note: That's the only time Sonic is mentioned > herein.] TOM: He will not be missed. > > "Well," said BoB, "I don't know that much about him, JOEL: Just his name, his position, where he comes from, what his motivations are, who his family is, what his childhood was like, what sort of food he won't eat, his favorite brand of soda, what size bowling shoe he wears, and that he likes using the Internet to find pictures of Sam the Sheepdog in bikinis. > except > that he doesn't like to buy stuff from me...yeah, that's the ticket. CROW: And that's all the personality Bob can afford on his salesman's salary. > Speaking of stuff, TOM: How can you avoid speaking of stuff? Sooner or later you have to mention *something*. > I have an item I want to give to you for free," JOEL: It's my bill. > he said, addressing Maxl. > > BoB opened his briefcase, TOM: Oooh, a Z-scale railroad in a briefcase, I love that. > and out popped an item that > appeared to be a large hula-hoop with a bunch of light bulbs > encircling it. JOEL: We've now hit the precise level of wackiness "Space Jam" had. > "Yes," BoB said, reading Maxl's mind, CROW: [ As Mandark ] "I can read your thoughts and I *am* smarter than you! Ha ha-ha! Ha ha-ha-ha!" > "it looks like > a hula-hoop with a bunch of light bulbs encircling it, but it's JOEL: Not nearly so dignified, really. > really a time-travel machine known as the Seventy-Two Hours. TOM: 73, if you get it right as Daylight Saving Time ends. > It also > comes with a really nifty book of instructions! CROW: And astounding kid-friendly fun facts, too! Look at this ... "Wilt Chamberlain once scored 100 points in a single basketball game!" "The snake has ears on its feet!" "Your parents are lying -- there is no Santa Claus!" TOM: What? > Ta-ta," he said, and > vanished, leaving the Knothole Freedom Fighters JOEL: Hey, are they fighting for freedom *from* Knothole or *for* Knothole? > with the Seventy-Two > Hours. > > "Think it actually works?" asked Kabuki. TOM: What, you think you have an unreliable source or something? > > "Only one way ta find out," said Maxl. JOEL: Peek ahead and see what we do in the next chapter. > > "Dammit!" said Jade. "We need Karl for this! CROW: Or maybe just somebody who can play bass guitar! > Get him and > then we can proceed with this project!" TOM: It's critically important we continue our vaguely defined work towards our unmotivated goal before the unexplained deadline is passed! > > "Indeed," said Crotswurth, wincing in pain, "but I took some > tips from him. JOEL: Mostly ways to win at SimCity, but they're still tips. > I bet I could do his job... TOM: I can sit in front of a computer and pretend I'm doing stuff too. > whaddaya need?" > > "A damn good electrician," Jade replied. CROW: Electrician... electrician... would it be OK if I got a musician instead? Or a politician? > > Crotswurth frowned and shook his head. JOEL: If you keep shaking your head that way it'll freze like that. > "Uh-uh. Can't do > that... TOM: Can't do this...we might as well just get a beer. > and by now, Karl will have found a place to hide. CROW: Fortunately, he's kind of dumb and usually tries to hide under a pine cone. > We'll never > find him... JOEL: Did you check the other scene in this story? > I have a bad feeling about this." > > "Then we can still do it in seventy-two hours," TOM: So I guess we just need Karl so we can keep everybody else from having him. > said Jade, > "but we're gonna hafta test CROW: And for that we'll need a healthy breakfast of Cheerios. > an idea of mine." > > The bulbs flashed. JOEL: The paparrozzi finally start covering Mobius. > "What language is this manual written in, TOM: It's a proto-Sanskrit carving believed to represent a pre-Phoenician script. > anyway?!" muttered Bookshire Draftwood. CROW: This story's just a symbolic at-bat to keep Bookshire's streak going. > > "Lemme take a look at it," said Maxl. JOEL: Is it supposed to throb and ooze like that? > "I'm the one usin' the > machine anywayz." CROW: I'm glad our editor's love of the letter Z has not faded in the past chapter. > > Bookshire handed the manual to Maxl, who stared at it a > moment, and then turned it upside-down. TOM: [ As Maxl ] I don't think Bing Crosby's horse is *ever* gonna come in. > "Okay...I t'ink I JOEL: We're still waiting for evidence of that. > do dis and > den..." TOM: And there's a Morse code "Q". > > Maxl flipped the only switch on the thing, and vanished. CROW: I like this development. JOEL: Works for me. TOM: I'm cool with it. > > > -- Contents CROW: Malcontents. > > AD 3231 > Bluebrook, Mobius TOM: What is the bluebrook value on a used Mobius, anyway? > > Chapter 4 JOEL: Je t'adore. CROW: Why, is it open? > Survival of the Fittest TOM: I hear in the first draft this chapter was "survival of the fattest." CROW: And in the second draft it was "survival of the flattest." > > Maxl saw that he was JOEL: That's not a good palindrome. > surrounded by blue light, and blinked. CROW: [ As Maxl ] Is somebody turning on their heart light? > He realized, vaguely, that something was happening TOM: That's our Maxl! > to his wrist, > then suddenly JOEL: This is where Taz's brother Molly drops a boulder on his head. > felt a searing pain throughout his body, and screamed. CROW: Hey, he's getting Keith Aksland's computer. > It was a horrible, unearthly sound, TOM: Shouldn't that be an un-Mobiousish sound? > but it was a scream nonetheless. JOEL: And they *all* have to do this whenever they want ice cream. > If this is less taxing than post-light-speed travel, TOM: What you don't pay in taxes you lose in parkway tolls anyway. > he thought, I'm > damn glad JOEL: *Darned* glad, please, I'm trying to raise young 'bots here. > I'm not going that way. > > The light faded, CROW: It was saving itself up for later. > and Maxl stared at a man who was carrying a > flame-thrower. TOM: Yogurt? > The badger recognized him as Crotswurth. > > "It's you!" JOEL: Who else could it be? > he hissed angrily, not noticing in his fury TOM: The little chewey bits of bacon. > that, for some reason, his New York accent had faded. CROW: He must've lost it on the "D" train. > "An' this > village... I know this village!" TOM: [ As Max Smart ] I know it like the back of my hand! Now, uh, could somebody please find the back my hand? > > "Soon, no-one will know this village," said Crotswurth, JOEL: Can you ever *really* know this village? > with > a hint of annoyance, "cuz it's goin' down... CROW: They laughed at me when I started my giant Village Escalator project, called me mad! Insane! Wendell! > and you with it!" With > that, he tilted the flame-thrower towards Maxl, TOM: Now, would you like to be lightly braised, or well done? > his finger barely > pressing against the trigger, sending out a small tongue of flame. JOEL: Always show your love by licking somebody's flame. > > "I do not sink so!" TOM: Because my drain is clogged! > shouted a voice behind him. As > Crotswurth turned CROW: Someday, somebody's going to come into the scene right in front of the guy who's talking, and the story isn't going to know what to do. > to see who it was, Maxl leapt upon the > geneticist's back and jabbed his teeth and claws through the woven > flannel shirt. JOEL: This is the clumsiest necking session I've ever seen. > He grabbed for the flame-thrower. TOM: I don't know, much more of this and they'll lose the Ballroom Dancing contest. > > "Who do I heet?" asked the voice inquiringly. CROW: I vote we start by hitting "zees" guy. > Maxl and > Crotswurth both pointed at each-other, TOM: Ooh, it's the thumb-wrestling contest. > and the voice said, "I'll > just have to taking you both down!" CROW: Isn't it funny when foreigners try to talk English all good? > The speaker ran out of the bush. JOEL: If this turns out to be the sinister Mister Big I'll be so surprised. > > "Antoine!" said Maxl excitedly. TOM: You know the narrative's spiralling out of control when the characters are excited to see Antoine. > "It's you! CROW: That sentence really can't avoid being literally true. > This guy's tryin' > to destroy the universe!" JOEL: He plans with each breath he exhales more and more poisonous carbon dioxide! We've got to get him into an institute for the hopelessly inane! > > Antoine took a step back CROW: [ As Antoine ] "Hey... I like you as a friend, not *that* way." > and asked, "How are you knoweeng my > name?" TOM: He took the chance it wasn't the other annoying French fox in the show. > > Maxl plucked one of his paws off JOEL: That's not how you're supposed to do "she loves me, she loves me not." > Crotswurth's back so he > could hit himself TOM: The story's picking up. > in the forehead, and said, "Shut up and just kill > the bastard, you fool!" TOM: Let me have it! Let me have it! JOEL: BAM! TOM: Well. He let me have it, all right. > > Finally, Antoine reached for his sword, CROW: [ As Antoine ] What if they find out I just use this to butter toast? > and as he pulled it > out of its sheath, Crotswurth suddenly realized something was wrong. JOEL: Somebody played a trick and gave him a squirt sword! > > "Just throw the [ bleep ] sword, you moron!" Maxl screamed > urgently. CROW: I like it better when he screams in a laid-back, relaxed manner. > "I can't hold this guy down much longer, and I'm starting > to get annoyed by this double-knit shirt!!!" TOM: Actually, it's just two single-knit shirts on top of one another. > > Crotswurth suddenly seemed to realize JOEL: That this all felt kind of funny to him. > that Maxl was about > one-third of his weight, CROW: But more than twice his width. > and dropped to the ground, rolling on his > back. TOM: You have to figure Antoine's planning to just walk away and pretend he didn't see anything. > Maxl followed his behavior by latching his jaws into > Crotswurth's shoulder, CROW: This is one weird square dance. > trying to get a stable hold on him. > Crotswurth screamed in pain and jumped up. JOEL: Bow to the corner, bow to the right, drop down, get up, fight fight fight. > > "Twan!" Maxl shouted, TOM: *That's* the past tense of "twine," all right! Twan! > momentarily loosing his hold on > Crotswurth's shoulder JOEL: Whoops. TOM: This wouldn't have happened if Maxl and Crotswurth were made of different slabs of Velcro. > and barely keeping his hold on his back, > "Throw the [ bleep ] sword now!!!" > > Crotswurth suddenly seemed to grasp what was wrong, CROW: [ As Crotswurth ] You're not a real chiropractor, are you? > because > he shouted, JOEL: "You think we could do this again some time?" > "Where the hell did that sword come from?!" TOM: Billy's Discount Sword Emporium, over on Route 20 west. > > Antoine seemed to notice the same thing JOEL: Their shoelaces would be untied... if they wore shoes. > as Crotswurth after > hearing that phrase, CROW: Which told him he should call the radio station to win tickets to the big concert. > and, fear of the supernatural overcoming all > other uneasiness, TOM: Except that sense of dread when you don't check the pay phone to see if it left you any change. > threw the sword. > > Maxl leapt to the ground JOEL: INCOMING! > with a sigh of relief, and then > realized that, CROW: Despite his plans, he *had* paid a lot for his muffler. > due to the excitement of late, TOM: What with all the doings and goings-on and fru-for-all... > he hadn't checked his > watch once all day. CROW: Then he felt suddenly nervous that he hadn't looked up anything in the World Almanac in weeks. > He glanced at his wrist, JOEL: Oh, I hope he's going to do one of those neat hand-puppet shows. > only to find that he > still didn't have a chance to look at the time CROW: It's not o'clock. Do you know where your badgers are? > -- his watch was > gone. TOM: Separated from his beloved watch -- will Maxl ever recover? > > Then, the sword started to glow and transform CROW: Uh, hey, continuity? Why was Antoine afraid of the sword if it didn't start glowing and transforming until after he threw it? > into the > reasonably familiar shape of Kate Chaos. TOM: If Kate Chaos is one of those dodecahedrons the crew of the Enterprise got turned into that one time. > "Thanks for wakin' me up, > Twan!" JOEL: I've got just enough time to get a bagel and get over to the Clifton Country Mall! > she exclaimed, as she flew through the air CROW: To see what was the matter. > and knocked > Crotswurth down. "Can't Julian fight his own battles?!" JOEL: Hey, isn't his name Ivo Robotnik in some of these stories, or were we just hallucinating that? CROW: I don't know. > she growled > irately. TOM: I like it better when she growls impishly. > > As Kate made a grab for Crotswurth's flame-thrower, JOEL: No grab. Only daddy touch. > he hit > her in the head with the butt of the gun CROW: I hope this doesn't make her merge into one body with Maxl, Jade, the flame thrower and Crotswurth now. > and kicked her away. > > "Nobody," growled Maxl in his most threatening voice, TOM: [ Growling and singing ] "Does it better ... makes me feel sad for the rest." > as he > saw blood trickle down Kate's forehead, JOEL: They spilled tomato juice all over the Kate now. > "but nobody does that to my > friends and lives to tell about it. CROW: What if they did that to his friends, but agreed never to tell about it anyway? > You're about to go have a > friendly little discussion TOM: About whether Casper the Friendly Ghost was inspired by the Chuck Jones cartoon "Ghost Wanted." > with Jade!" He withdrew a handkerchief, CROW: And five bucks for cab fare, > and added for emphasis, JOEL: Two exclamation points and a redundant adverb. > "Prepare to go to hell where you were > spawned, TOM: Going there will require a layover in Detroit International Airport. CROW: Going there *is* a layover in Detroit International Airport. > you [ bleep ] bastard." > > Kate looked at him funny JOEL: Then she remembered you look at people with eyes, not nostrils, and she started looking at him less funny. > for a few moments, CROW: While none of the other characters said or did or thought of anything else. TOM: Maybe they were all busy changing into Sailor Moon. > and finally said > in a questioning tone, "'Friends'?" JOEL: I have heard of your odd custom of 'friends.' I'm fascinated by it. > > "Stupid [ bleep ] time-travel," Maxl muttered. "Nobody > remembers me, just because they haven't met me yet!" [ TOM, CROW growl. ] JOEL: [ Resting his hands on both robots' shoulder. ] Sure, we hurt now, guys, but just remember, ten years from now this is going to turn up on the routine Internet search and it's going to be used to deny Stephen Tramer a mortgage on his first home. > > As Maxl was about to blow his nose, CROW: He's got a +5(7) booger capable of 4(+1)d8(10)+1d4 damage. > Crotswurth, muttering an > expletive or two, JOEL: Omitted so the story doesn't become too explicit. > leveled his flame-thrower at Maxl. TOM: See, whenever one character does something, the other fifteen guys in the scene have to stop and wait for it to finish. > > "Not so fast!" shouted a voice, and a large man tackled the > geneticist from behind. JOEL: [ Talking as if while fighting ] "You -- dropped your -- pen -- sir!" > He stood up and held Crotswurth down with > one foot. CROW: Is this going to be the future of fanfics, forever? > > Maxl's eyes widened at the sight of the man. JOEL: He realized until this moment he had never known man. > One word > entered his head: TOM: Which was three words more than were normally in there. JOEL: Weirdly, it was the word "zeugma." > Willind. CROW: That's not a name, that's an error in pronunciation > He had never heard the word, nor had he > ever seen this man, yet he knew that was his name. JOEL: Finally the policy of having everybody wear nametags pays off. > > As Willind noticed the many bloody wounds all over > Crotswurth's back, neck, TOM: And dorsal fins. > and shoulders, he said, "Nice work, whoever > you are. CROW: And you know who you are. > You would make an excellent Freedom Fighter!" TOM: My *goldfish* would be accepted as a Freedom Fighter. > > "Save the [ bleep ] spiel," said Maxl, "until [ bleep ] > after we [ bleep ] kill this [ bleep ] bastard!" JOEL: Dialogue is a series of nonbleep characters separated by bleeps. > > "Sounds good to me," replied Willind. CROW: 'Course, after three beers invading Russia in winter sounds good to me. > "I'm going to make > this as quick and painless TOM: As the digging of the Panama Canal. > as possible." He started to glow, JOEL: That's how fanfic writers let us know something is happening. > but in > a few seconds, he got a vacant look in his eyes CROW: [ As Willind ] I like cloth. > and stepped off > Crotswurth. JOEL: Third floor, furniture, camping goods, washing machines, lawn mowers, back hoes, and fine undergarments, watch your step please, watch your step. > The geneticist got up and his wounds began to heal. CROW: [ As science film strip narrator ] Quickly the leukocytes swing into action. Their relentless goal: stop the bleeding. Kill the invading germ cells. > > After a few seconds, a man on a jetbike TOM: What makes a jetbike different from a hovercycle? JOEL: In the jetbike you have to put a baseball card in the spokes, and a hovercycle has those built in. > flew up beside > Crotswurth, and asked, CROW: Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? > "These are what you wanted, right?" TOM: You brought the... stuff, right? JOEL: Yup. You ready for our... deal? CROW: I'm all set to execute our... plan. [ ALL laugh maniacally ] TOM: What are we doing, again? > > "Ahhh, the Jades," Crotswurth said with a grin. JOEL: Never before have so many gotten so many plot points out of so thin a premise. > "Good. I've > earned my pay, CROW: Five dollars of Burger King Bucks? > and you've earned yours, Karl." JOEL: A collection of Burger King 'Pokemon' soda cups? > > After a few moments of somewhat useless attacks at Willind > on both Kate's and Maxl's part, TOM: We don't know who you are or where you come from or what you're doing here, but we do know we have to continue our futile fight against you. > Maxl heard Willind's voice in his > head. JOEL: Uh, that's called "speaking," guys. > He knew he had to protect his green carpet TOM: The poor sap, he thinks it's his lawn. > and somebody's > ring. CROW: So he locks up the bathtub. > Unknown to both of them, TOM: Racer X is secretly -- JOEL: [ Putting his hand on TOM's shoulder ] We do that enough. > as Willind telepathically put those > thoughts into his head, CROW: Willind had learned it does no good to telepathically put thoughts in your opponent's thumb. > he also absorbed all of Maxl's thoughts, TOM: That takes most of about three handkerchiefs. > storing them in his imagination. JOEL: So he's just imagining he knows everything Maxl knows? > > Maxl glanced at where his watch should have been, CROW: He should see a specialist in obsessive-compulsive disorders. > muttered > "[ bleep ]" for about the fiftieth time in the past hour, JOEL: If he doesn't have his watch, how does he know it was the past hour? > and walked > into some bushes, TOM: Hey, you should've thought of that before you left. > where he was once more surrounded by the blue > light. CROW: Now we know fun stuff is happening. It's got blue lights. > > > -- Contents CROW: I could swear we've seen this -- JOEL: That's enough of that, too. > > AD 3236 > Hidden Base, Mobius TOM: It's so hidden it's not even in this story. > > Chapter 5 > Crucial Repairs CROW: Engineering, life support, starboard photon torpedoes... > > "Jesus, Crotswurth," Jade JOEL: That's a weird trinity. > muttered, "you got your leg TOM: I got your arm. Wanna trade? > pretty > mashed up...and it's all Karl's fault. JOEL: He would've gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling Karl. > If only I knew how to work > these damn Jades properly... CROW: This is why your modern magic stones come with balloon help. > in the meantime, I'm gonna see if I can TOM: Hold my breath and count to a hundred. > get you a bionic leg and arm, JOEL: So you'll be able to tell me what it's like to be Lee Majors. > as you're clearly in no condition to > make them yourself this time." CROW: It's just a flesh wound! > > "Thanks," Crotswurth said, with real gratitude. "Say, I just > had an idea. JOEL: A rock group like Josie and the Pussycats, only they have a dog and they solve crimes for a vaguely defined international organization lead by a giant computer that's allergic to dogs. What do you think? > What if we could take control of all realities, TOM: Except for the world of the hit 1980s sitcom "Mama Malone." > and > then create enough paradoxical bifurcations JOEL: You know this is a real threat to the world because they use long words. > to bring every version > of Mobius into utter chaos?" CROW: Well, something silly might happen. > > "Neat idea," said Jade. TOM: But I'd rather have mysteries solved by a bunch of superheroes who're also the Harlem Globetrotters instead. > "We can look into it later. JOEL: Not after you destroy all life. > For now, > you stay here; CROW: I'll stay here too, and later we can leave. > I'll be back with the stuff you need soon. TOM: Now, you needed the life-destroying machinery, a box of Cheez-Its, and some new vacuum bags. > Toodles." > She left Crotswurth's base. JOEL: She walked out of his life and never saw him again. Yet, for the rest of his life Crotswurth never let a month go by without thinking about her. > > Crotswurth smiled, thinking to himself, TOM: [ As Crotswurth ] "Hey... this kinda tickles..." > I can trust her. > She's my friend...isn't she?... CROW: She... said she didn't want to risk spoiling our special friendship, that's important. > I get revenge against Robotnik and > she gets revenge against Maxl... TOM: Maxl gets revenge against the people who filmed "Armageddon," and we all fall down. > it seems like a fair deal, ALL: At first. > but is > it? Maybe she doesn't deserve to rip the universe apart with me! JOEL: Maybe you could divide the universe apart along the Local Galactic Cluster, and then she could pick which side she gets to tear apart, and you get the other half? > He > then began to wallow in less important thoughts again, TOM: [ As Crotswurth ] "Spackle is a funny word." > thinking of > world...no, not just world anymore, universal domination. CROW: There's kind of a problem with his priorities here. > > Jade clicked her heels JOEL: There's no place like Mobius, there's no place like Mobius. > when she was out of Crotswurth's line > of vision, TOM: What if he has X-ray eyes? Huh? > and she was zipped to the Hidden Palace CROW: Just off the Northway, past the Lathan Circle Mall. > on a gust of > wind. She was quite surprised not to find Maxl TOM: Delighted, but still surprised. > anywhere within her > vicinity, JOEL: Did you ever not have the feeling you were being... watched? > but she headed off CROW: To another pointless scene or two. > to where she hoped she could find > someone TOM: Anyone in particular, or just some guy? > who could build some new limbs for Crotswurth. TOM: Oh. JOEL: She should go to the hospital ship where Luke Skywalker got his new hand. > > As Jade walked down the hall, she didn't see anyone. CROW: Being early for Bible School, dramatically represented. > I guess > they're out looking for Crots and me, she decided. TOM: This entire story could have been avoided if they just put up a meeting notice on the bulletin board. > They don't expect > trouble to be able to come in here. CROW: That's why they have the big sign saying "NO TROUBLE IN HERE, 'KAY?" > > As she continued on her way, TOM: In the very merry month of May... > Jade heard something sparking > from one of the rooms down the hall. Bingo, she thought. JOEL: [ As Jade ] Somebody's got a broken ham radio rig. > The sound > came again, TOM: Oh, hello dere! > and she headed toward the room from which it came. CROW: I bet we're on a collision course for wackiness. > > Inside was a human Jade had never seen before, TOM: But she knew he came from Earth and deeply loved the world of Sonic the Hedgehog and hoped to join the Freedom Fighters as one of their newest great heroes. > sitting at a > desk fusing two wires together. JOEL: Ah, the power of digital cable. > The badger assumed he must be a new > Freedom Fighter. CROW: Because he was smarter, funnier, faster, more powerful, and cleverer than all the real characters. > > "You," Jade growled, "don't turn around, call for help, TOM: Don't make those comical noises with your armpit. > or > anything of the like, JOEL: Including restrictions to be named later. > or your head falls off your neck. Get it?" > > "Get what?" CROW: Milk? > asked the figure sitting at the desk. TOM: Not to be confused with the guy Jade's holding. > "I'm only > a used car salesman. What do you want with me?" > > "I want you to make some bionic limbs," Jade replied. CROW: I know you can make them because I assume you're a new Freedom Fighter. > "A leg > and an arm, specifically. JOEL: Bet that's going to cost her an arm and a leg. > So move it; Crotswurth is waiting." > > "You mean," said the figure, TOM: Not to be confused with the guy Jade's holding or the guy who's at the desk. > who just happened to be wearing > a checkered, double-knit suit, JOEL: That is a wild coincidence. > "I have to help the man CROW: Who helped the man who helped the guy who wasn't me? > who wouldn't > buy anything from me?!" TOM: But all you sell is whacks on the knee. > > "So you're that guy who pestered him," Jade muttered. JOEL: Ironically, he said he'd have to have an arm and a leg torn off before he'd buy anything from you. > "Two > birds with one stone. TOM: Two plot points with one weakness. > Now move it; Crots' blood supply ain't gonna > last forever." CROW: That's all right, it's not blood, it's just spilled tomato juice. > > > -- Contents JOEL: Water, glycerin, stearic acid... > > Chapter 6 > The Hunt Begins TOM: Once again, the story begins three thousand words in. > > Crotswurth flexed his new arm and leg. CROW: Aaaaaaaand he blows a fuse. > "Good work," he said > to BoB. "Now get outta here." TOM: Hey, they're blowing this popsicle stand. > > "The black wind howls," BoB said. JOEL: The orange duck cries at midnight. > "One among you will > shortly perish." CROW: That's kind of a downer of a fortune cookie. > [Editor's note: That line was "borrowed" from > Squaresoft's Chrono Trigger, TOM: And by borrowed we mean taken without permission and used to further our ends without consideration to Squaresoft. > in the words of Janus.] With those > ominous words, he vanished. > > "You know, Jade," TOM: If you knew Jade the way I knew Jade, anyway. > Crotswurth said, not heeding the salesman, CROW: And he gets switched to a different long-distance carrier. > "I think I'm gonna like these new limbs... JOEL: And the main transformer blows. > and, as their first act, > I'm gonna kill you with 'em." CROW: Does he mean he's going to use the arm and leg to kill Jade, or he's going to kill the arm and leg at the same time he kills Jade? > > Suddenly, foot-long metal blades slid out from underneath > Crotswurth's new fingernails. JOEL: And the capacitors pop. > He leapt at Jade, trying to slit her > throat. CROW: The mating rituals of Jerry Lewis and Ed Gein's child. > The badger threw herself at the floor, TOM: "I love you floor!" > and rolled about a > meter away. JOEL: Now that's an evasive technique. > This caused Crotswurth to miss, CROW: 'Cause she was a metric distance away and he only had standard metal blades. > his blades sticking into > the floor. JOEL: This isn't the best way to give thanks for the gift of limbs. > > As Jade was lifting herself up off the floor, CROW: "I don't love you as much as I used to, floor." > Crotswurth did > a handspring, JOEL: Oh, I love those with egg rolls and a little duck sauce. > ripping up the floorboard and tossing it at Jade. Once > again, she threw herself at the floor. CROW: "I love you again floor!" TOM: Classic story. Floor meets girl, floor loses girl, floor gets girl back. > > As Jade stood back up, Crotswurth's arm turned into a plasma > cannon. JOEL: Now, was that his robot arm or his flesh and blood arm? > He blasted Jade in the chest, causing shards of green stone > to fly out of her. ALL: Oooooh. CROW: Jade, see? TOM: Yeah, now the whole thing makes sense! > She jumped on Crotswurth, turning his own arm > cannon towards his face, TOM: I know what you're thinking, did I shoot five plasma cannon bursts or six? JOEL: [ Touching TOM's shoulder ] He only fired one. TOM: Never mind, then. > and fired it. > > Crotswurth screamed in pain as half his face became vapor, CROW: Now he's going to have to get a cybernetic face, too. > watching the badger flee. JOEL: [ As Jade ] "Get him the cybernetic arm with the plasma cannon, what was I thinking?" > > Maxl fell out of the black void CROW: Actually, the black void just asked him to leave. > as it appeared in the sky, > landing right on top of Jade, who had, by that time, TOM: The story's bogged down in its commas. JOEL: They should sprinkle some colons on the ground for traction. > gotten a good > half-kilometer from the base. Jade screamed and fell to the ground, CROW: "Now I remember why I loved you, ground!" > Maxl beside her. TOM: You know, I heard about those two... > > Maxl got up, JOEL: I'm Maxl, and I'm concerned. > and BoB stepped out of the woods from behind > him. CROW: I'm Bob, and I'm concerned. > As Jade got up, TOM: I'm Jade, and I don't give a dang. > Maxl noticed the gaping hole in her chest. JOEL: Total body piercing. > "Jesus," he gasped, "what happened to you?!" TOM: Offhand, I'd say she was spindled. > In his surprise, he > didn't realize that he was standing right next to Jade, JOEL: That is an easy thing to overlook. > and yet not > speaking with a New York accent. CROW: And we thank him for it. > > "Crotswurth attempted to kill me with a new arm, JOEL: [ As Maxl ] "Uh, you mean you had a new arm, or he had it?" > made by > that man standing behind you -- the guy in the checkered, > double-knit suit," TOM: As oposed to that other guy standing behind you. > Jade explained. "He obviously forgot CROW: We don't remember what. > -- or didn't > know in the first place JOEL: Or his knowledge was disavowed by the Secretary. > -- that I can't be harmed by ordinary means. TOM: Just sneezes. > Why are you suddenly so concerned about me?!" CROW: Jeez. The gaping hole through your chest just seemed like something to talk about. Sor-ry! > > "I fear for your safety," Maxl replied. JOEL: What with your habit of riding bicycles no-hands and all. > "You die, I die, TOM: That's the deal. > since we're one and the same...almost." CROW: Except you're an evil power-mad cruel would-be sorceress made of stone who's out to destroy the world, and I'm the guy nobody wanted to be lab partner for in eighth grade science class. > > "Lemme guess," Jade said, JOEL: Tuesday. > "you're trying to stop Crots from > doin' somethin' awful, right?" JOEL: Yup. He's planning to make everybody wear white after Labor Day, the fool. > > "Yep," said Maxl. "Can you help me?" TOM: *May* you help me? > > "Me?" Jade laughed. CROW: What can a single power-mad magical sorceress made of stone out to destroy the world do? > "Help you?! Of course not. JOEL: Don't be ridiculous. > I'll hunt > him in my own way." TOM: If she destroys the universe she really doesn't need to take care of Crotswurth, does she? > With that, she walked off into the woods behind > BoB. JOEL: Hey, that's not the woods, that's just a -- ALL: BONK! JOEL: Matte painting. > > As Jade walked off, Tracker stepped out of the same area. CROW: He's a good quick change artist. JOEL: I bet they're secretly both Batman. > "Hi, Tracks," Maxl greeted him. TOM: So, when we run off, we're making him? > > "Bad news," Tracker said, "Crotswurth's gone. JOEL: Like, he's way far out and kooky gone, man. > I don't mean > dead, TOM: I mean that part where you're not alive anymore. > I mean gone! JOEL: He's way past cool, man. > I checked out his place... CROW: It was a pigsty. I bet he hasn't had a girlfriend since before the Iran-Contra scandal. > it was right where > Uncle Karl said it was. CROW: Under the big W. > It appears that Crotswurth just... vanished." TOM: He and Jerry were going to play practical jokes on Tom. > > "Vanished?!" Maxl gasped in disbelief. JOEL: "He must be the best hide-and-seek player ever!" > "Can you try to get > some more info?" CROW: I could go back and look at the nothing there anymore. > > "Sure," said Tracker. TOM: And that's my only scene! > He walked back into the woods. JOEL: He has a hard time finding it for all the trees. > > "It begins," muttered BoB, TOM: You'd like to think so. > speaking for the first time since > his appearance there. CROW: Somebody just passed him a copy of the script. > "Armageddon will happen shortly, unless it is > stopped. JOEL: Or unless it gets caught in traffic and gets started late. > It begins here... now... TOM: Soon, and for the rest of our lives. > with Crotswurth as the Tool of the > Ultimate Evil. CROW: Oh, see, if Crotswurth was just a Craftsman Tool of the Ultimate Evil, Jade wouldn't have had to get him new arms, he could just bring him back to Sears and get a replacement. > When we remove him from all problem realities, JOEL: Is that *solving* your problem realities or just *avoiding* them? > a new > Tool of the Ultimate Evil will form... TOM: And we hope it'll plug into our universal socket wrench set. > and it will take the shape of CROW: Hall and Oates. We don't know why. > you, I believe. It won't just happen here. JOEL: It won't even happen at all. > It'll happen everywhere. TOM: And then it'll happen never. > Then you will cause Armageddon. CROW: For which you will be sent to your room without supper. > If you fail, even I know not > who... or what... CROW: Or how chewey... > the next tool will be." TOM: But it'll be good for getting the lids off of any jars. > > "BoB," said Maxl, "you are much more than a used car > salesman." JOEL: Yet somehow, so much less. > > "Of course," BoB replied. TOM: I'm also a Notary Public. > "I am a child of the Power > Stones... CROW: You know. Edna and Billy Power Stone? > the Moon Gems, to be exact. JOEL: The Hadley Crater Pebbles, if you really want to know. > Yeah, that's the ticket. I > can't exist in most realities, though... TOM: They start slapping me silly. > if I were to personally > intervene CROW: I'd get in trouble for violating the Prime Directive. > in certain realities, then the Ultimate Evil would win, JOEL: League rules are really strict about a forfeit. > as > I would be the one to cause the Rip. TOM: Well, it'd be me leaning way over after I ate a big meal, but still... > That's why I need your help." JOEL: Yes, I'm yet another one of those vaguely omnipotent beings who're always hanging around fanfics who can't be bothered to actually clean up the messes I made. > > "What is 'the Ultimate Evil'?" Maxl inquired. CROW: [ Looking over his shoulder. ] For those of you playing along at home, this is a good place to name anybody that irritates you. TOM: If you can't think of anything, just name an Olsen Twin or somebody like that. > > "Just what it sounds like," TOM: Except... it's bigger and it's got longer fangs and stuff. > BoB replied, "the center of all > evil. JOEL: Is that the geographic center or the population center of all evil? > It is a byproduct of all the Gems. CROW: If these byproducts cause skin irritation, discontinue use. > It is what causes things TOM: You know, in the way other stuff doesn't. > such as Robotnik's tyranny, ICE, and some other stuff..." [ JOEL picks up TOM, and they start to head out. ] JOEL: Wait, there's like two evil things in the world, and one of them's cold soft drinks? CROW: They must've left something out. [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ] [ SOL. Desk. CROW, JOEL, and TOM are building the Star Trek Enterprise bridge set. JOEL is putting pieces together as they talk. ] TOM: Hey, can I paint Spock's face? CROW: Every time you do you paint him blue. TOM: He looks more natural that way. JOEL: Tom, I don't want his face blue and anyway, your arms don't work. CROW: You don't have to gloat like that, Joel. JOEL: Sorry. Anyway, pretty exotic semi-omnipotent guy named Bob in today's story, huh? TOM: I wondered about that. He kind of hinted that the whole mess was his fault, but he couldn't do anything about it. Why's that? JOEL: Well, it's because the eternal contest between supreme good and supreme evil has very strict rules. CROW: Why would they have rules? JOEL: You kidding? Ever since Judge Kennesaw Mountain Landis took over, the league's prided itself on its rule balance. TOM: Like how? JOEL: Well, remember in the made-for-TV movie "Horror at 37,000 Feet," William Shatner as a defrocked priest defeats the devil by hurling himself out of an airplane? William Shatner is actually one of the seven "lifetime defrocked priest hurlers" left -- everyone else playing a defrocked priest can't use hurling himself down a great height to defeat evil. CROW: I never knew. What are some of the other rules? JOEL: Since 1976, evil's required to give good the option of a designated sidekick who gets hold of some innocent-looking item to throw to the main hero right at the climax, where it's revealed to be exactly the piece needed to defeat evil's schemes. TOM: Boy, you'd think all good guys would take that option. JOEL: A lot of the newer ones do. The older ones think it's weakening the role of the Revelation Scene, where evil explains the whole plan to good. CROW: Is using that rule instead of the Revelation Scene why action movies make less sense than they used to? JOEL: Exactly. So one of the tougher rules is that when they're battling over mere mortals who don't represent pure good or pure evil, they can't use direct means, they can only use persuasion and arguments and stuff. No touching. TOM: What would happen if they did? JOEL: It'd be an automatic forfeit. It's tough, I know, but no worse than the league's new Infield Fly Rule, where... [ HEX FIELD SIGN begins flashing. ] JOEL: Oh, there's a transmission coming in and it's not from the Mads, quick, open the Hex Field View Screen. CROW: Main visuals opening, Captain. [ HEX FIELD VIEW SCREEN opens, revealing a youngish KID dressed up like Trelaine. JOEL puts down the model pieces he was playing with. ] KID: [ Barely able to keep from giggling ] Greetings, mere mortals! Do not be afraid of my presence! TOM: Uh... Okeydoke. KID: I come to you from a higher dimensional plane. [ Snorts. ] We accidentally left a real dangerous weapon in your universe and some bad guys have found it. They'll destroy the world if you don't stop them. JOEL: [ Nodding skeptically ] And you can't just pick it up yourself? KID: [ Snickers. ] Ooh... no... they discovered it so we can't take it without interfering worse with the natural development of your history. CROW: Right. And what is this thing? KID: [ Spitting it out as he laughs ] It's your smell! Ha ha ha ha...! [ HEX FIELD VIEW SCREEN closes. ] CROW: Well. JOEL: Hey, just 'cause there's some nigh-omnipotent race out there watching over and occasionally touching our lives, doesn't mean there aren't going to be -- [ HEX FIELD SIGN flashes. ] JOEL: Uh, Cambot, give me the hex field, please... [ HEX FIELD VIEW SCREEN opens. Same KID as before there. ] CROW: Hello again, there. KID: Hi. [ Barely not laughing. ] Sorry. I was being silly. There's really a real problem, though. Really. JOEL: We'll help you gladly, but you have to get us off the satellite and back on Earth first. KID: No problem! We can do that just as soon as -- TOM: As soon as what? KID: [ Quickly, laughing ] As soon as you stop being dorks! [ HEX FIELD VIEW SCREEN closes. ] TOM: [ A bit annoyed ] When are we going to get Hex Field View Screen ID? JOEL: Aw, guys, it's just some kid playing with his parents' hex field. It's just a little fun. [ HEX FIELD SIGN flashes. ] JOEL: And then... Cambot, open it up, please. [ HEX FIELD VIEW SCREEN opens. Same KID, almost laughing already. ] KID: [ Almost says something, giggles, stops ] TOM: [ Irritated ] Yes? KID: [ Gulps, doesn't talk. ] JOEL: Can we help you? [ KID snickers for a couple seconds, stops, composes himself and then... ] KID: Poop! [ HEX FIELD VIEW SCREEN closes, as the KID keeps laughing. ] [ CROW sighs. ] TOM: Well, Joel? JOEL: We've got to answer all the calls, one of them could be somebody who knows how to get us back to Earth. CROW: You know what they say. Two thousand thirty-eighth time's the charm. JOEL: Exactly, guys. [ MOVIE SIGN flashes. General alarm. ] ALL: Aaah! We got movie sign! [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL file in. ] > > "ICE?" said Maxl. "Whuzzat?!" CROW: It's the first half of cream. > > "Intrusion Countermeasure Electronics," BoB explained. JOEL: Like when you hook the doorbell up to 50,000 volts AC, to stop anybody who's trying to get into your place. > "You're gonna mess with 'em sooner or later... TOM: If you know what's good for you. > as far as I can see." CROW: 'Course, I am severely nearsighted. > > "Lemme guess," said Maxl, TOM: We're gonna be attacked by a horde of North Dakotan communists lead by Tommy Smothers? JOEL: No, not at all. TOM: Well, I was guessing. > "I have to see what's going to > happen to the universe if I fail, right?" CROW: It shouldn't take long to get the idea of "destroyed" across. JOEL: Remember who these guys are, though. > > "Smart boy," BoB replied. TOM: Relative to the other shlemiels in this story, anyway. > "And so ends your innocence. JOEL: Oooooh. CROW: Aaaah. TOM: Suddenly the last pieces of the story fall together. > You > are no longer that cute, cuddly little badger CROW: I've never really felt the need to cuddle a badger. > you once were. Now you > are going to become... TOM: The really *odd* member of the Rescue Rangers. > ummm... more powerful than you are now. JOEL: Now he'll be able to sneeze people out of the universe by the truckload. > Yeah, > that's it." > > "Are you really a Child of the Gems?" Maxl asked. TOM: I'm just saying, 'cause you really don't have their nose or eyes or mineral composition. > "I'm not > so sure of that." CROW: Could you provide me with some references? > > "Of course I am!" said BoB. JOEL: That settles any doubts I might've had. > "I have ESP! (That stands for > Extra Special Powers!)" TOM: Like the ability to leave *just* enough milk in the carton that I don't get yelled at for putting an empty carton back in the fridge. > > "Then let's haul [ bleep ]!" said Maxl. CROW: Now, at one point, wasn't there a time travel belt and a guy named "Willind" involved in this story somehow? > > "Get moving," BoB agreed. JOEL: We've got a mess more scenes we have to finish before dark. > > Maxl took a step forward, CROW: That's... one small step for a badger, one tiny step for this story. > and shook his head. "Not yet," he > said. TOM: What, he needs to return some books to the library? > "Not until I can find a way to get this watch off my wrist... CROW: Most watches just come off, you know. > I > have a feeling I won't need it where I'm going. JOEL: And it's otherwise going to weigh you down. > This is the hardest > thing I've ever done... TOM: Didn't he spend a chapter or two looking at the watch and not finding it? > but if I can go an entire twenty-four hours > without looking at it JOEL: I won't know, 'cause I won't have a watch on! > once, I can do this." CROW: Being able to overcome a mildly compulsive desire to check the time proves your skills in stopping supernatural beings out to destroy the universe. > > Maxl pointed at his watch, TOM: It's a genuine "TIMOX." Got it from a guy on the street for just forty bucks. > which by that time, had so many > enhancements CROW: Like the Brunching Shuttlecocks review of the Legion of Doom. > in and on it that it TOM: Stubby Word Theater Presents... > was about the length of the > badger's forearm. JOEL: That must make it really hard to wash up. > "I think it's stuck on with Krazy Glue," Maxl > added. CROW: No, I'm pretty sure arms are just a part of you. > > BoB got a crowbar out of his suitcase. TOM: I bet he has a hard time getting that suitcase through the airport X-ray machine. CROW: I'd buy that. > > > -- Contents JOEL: Sorted by weight, not volume. > > AD 3239 JOEL: Oh, this is the episode where the Enterprise visits that Halloween planet. > Mobius, Neo-Reality TOM: [ As Joe Friday ] This is my beat. I carry a badge. > > Chapter 7 > The Ultimate Evil CROW: Do they mean ultimate as in the greatest ever, or the ultimate as in the last ever? > > "As long as evil exists TOM: Mumm-ra lives! > in the hearts of men, CROW: And women. > so do I." > > - Zeromus, TOM: The null mouse? > Final Fantasy 2 > > Crotswurth fell out of the black hole CROW: And landed on Robert Forster. > that had opened in the > sky. TOM: It's going to be raining cats, dogs, and two-bit villains. > > "You are here," said a voice. JOEL: Where else is he going to be? > > "Who's there?!" CROW: Orange. JOEL: Orange who? CROW: Orange you glad I didn't say banana? > the geneticist gasped. > > "You know who I am," TOM: I am he as you are he and he are we and we are all together. > the voice replied. "I am known JOEL: By those of you in the right circles, anyway. > by many > names... CROW: Kyle, Billy, Duke, Andrea, J.B., Hammy, but most folks call me Dave. > but you may refer to me as 'Master'." TOM: [ As the Master ] "Oh, wait, that just sounds corny, doesn't it? How bout if you call me The Chuckster?" > > "Why am I here, Master?" Crotswurth asked. CROW: 'Cause God made you. TOM: Who made God? > > "To kill all," said the voice. "Get the Power Gems...then > overthrow Robotnik. Beat all resistance into submission. Then > destroy all... you'll know how." JOEL: Team Rocket's chants are getting weird. > > "And so I shall," TOM: Right after my lunch break, I mean. And after I get down to the mall, I gotta get some stuff. And then, I have to get to the dry cleaners before they're destroyed. > said Crotswurth, suddenly realizing CROW: Those weren't potato chips he was eating! > his > whole face was somehow intact. JOEL: And then he started whimpering frantically that he was supposed to have a mouth and nostrils and his eyelids were supposed to open. > "What happened to me?" he asked. TOM: Why am I dressed like Alice in Wonderland but my body's turned into cake and I'm part of this weird music video all of a sudden? > > "You have died in that reality," the voice replied. CROW: Would you like to start a new game or resume from the last save? > "I > brought you here TOM: And I'm starting to wonder why too. > to destroy this one." JOEL: Seeing as how you did such a bang-up job on that blowing up Jade project of yours. > > "Yes, Master," said Crotswurth. TOM: [ As Igor ] I will get a brain, Master. > "I know where to find the > Gems, too... CROW: She's forming a rock band with the Holograms. > I can get them from Xavier." JOEL: Isn't he busy organizing the X-Men? > > "Good boy," said the voice. TOM: Have a doggie treat. > > > -- Contents CROW: One lead, two major antagonists, four or five bit players. > > Epilogue JOEL: Good, we need a break after that exciting climax. > > "If you do not study the past, TOM: You're probably attending school. > you are condemned to repeat > it." JOEL: Unless you never learned how. > > - Some social studies teacher ALL: [ Laughing nervously ] > > "It's time a real warrior took over, Julian," TOM: Next week on Deep Space Nine, Worf and Bashir finally have it out. > said > Crotswurth, as blood flowed from the man's neck. CROW: Oh, see, here's your problem, mister, somebody lopped your head off. > > "How... *gasp*... did you know my name?!" Robotnik choked. JOEL: How could anybody find out somebody's first name? > Before Crotswurth could reply, TOM: "I looked in your high school yearbo--oh, he's plumb dead." > he slumped over in his chair. JOEL: Just five more minutes, mom... > > Crotswurth retracted his claws, CROW: This is why you really want to put Softpaws on your villains. > grabbed Robotnik, TOM: And daintily licked his nose. > and threw > him into a monitor halfway across the room. JOEL: Oh, no, he's being thrown into the world of the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon! > "Bingo," he muttered. CROW: Yahtzee. > "I > did it. TOM: Uno. > Xavier ripped me up JOEL: Trouble. > pretty good, TOM: Perfection. > but I still won. CROW: Stratego. > What now?" JOEL: I'd like a rousing night of Scrabble. > > "You are now going TOM: You are going... you are gone! It's a home run! > to find a man named Sven-Sven," CROW: Then, you will slap him for his name, and feel shame for your participation in this story. > said the > voice that Crotswurth knew JOEL: But not in *that* way. > only as "Master". TOM: [ As Melody, of "Josie and the Pussycats" ] Oh, yes, Great Mustard... I'll get the ketchup. > "He may seem a bit CROW: But he's really not. > oddball, but he's a wonderful scientist. TOM: Plus he knows how to drive stick. > Within fifty-two hours, you > will meet him, JOEL: It will be love at first sight, but the affair will end bitterly. > and you will order him to build a time machine. CROW: Seven years later he will return and show you a clock. You will bring him to the center of town for at least forty minutes of community slapping. > At > the end JOEL: Of the world as you know it, you'll feel fine. > of that time period, TOM: You will awake feeling curiously refreshed. You will feel no pain... Oh, heck... and you'll cluck like a chicken for twenty seconds. > I'll give you further instructions." CROW: But if I know me, you'll want to bring an emory board, some egg cartons, and a tack hammer. > > "Yes, Master," said Crotswurth. TOM: Master, the villagers approach! > He sat down in Robotnik's > bloodstained chair, JOEL: He likes the distressed look. > thinking of how wonderful it would be CROW: If he could express it in -- a SONG! JOEL: [ Touching CROW's shoulder. ] None of that, now. > to rule > this realm. TOM: If only all the people in it weren't schmuckle balls. > > BoB was still trying to pry JOEL: Hey, some people just want their privacy, Bob. > off Maxl's watch when a black > hole opened in the sky. CROW: And it dropped Ernest Borgnine on them. > A teenage human Maxl didn't recognize TOM: 'Cause it was really Superboy's mild-mannered alter ego. > fell > out. One thing the badger took JOEL: Was different from the other things -- one of the things didn't belong. > note of was that the human's hair was > on fire. TOM: The next thing he noticed was that the human had two heads, and eight tentacles instead of arms. > > "Hey, look," said BoB, CROW: A raccoon. > pointing at the teenager, "it's > Girard!" [ ALL make cheering noises ] JOEL: Hooray! It's Girard! TOM: Finally! Girard will save us all! CROW: We can't go wrong now that we have Girard! > > Girard walked up to BoB, TOM: When The Fugitive meets Reboot. > screaming all the way. ALL: [ Singing ] Ho-ho-ho! Bells on bobtail scream, making spirits fright, what fun it is to laugh and scream this screaming song tonight! > "Hey, BoB," CROW: Yeah, Moose? > he screamed, "got any matches for me?" TOM: Nipsey Russell, Brett Summers and Richard Dawson matched. > > "Sure," said BoB, taking a pack of matches out JOEL: I don't think Smokey the Bear will approve of this. > of his > seemingly-bottomless suitcase. TOM: You know, there is such a thing as being overpacked. > "They're free this time! CROW: You're free! Free! Run free, little matches! > Have fun." > > "Wait," said Girard, JOEL: When I woke up this morning, my pillow was missing. > "before I leave this story, TOM: To my beloved Linda and our wonderful children... > I just > wanted to advertise The Flyee Thing, CROW: [ As Girard ] And I also want to mention I'm going to be playing at the Laffateria in Coxsackie the 14th through the 28th, and at the Chuckleseum in Loudonville the 30th and for three weeks after that. TOM: [ As Maxl ] Yeah, those're going to be great shows, very funny -- check it out. OK, goodnight, everybody, see you tomorrow! [ JOEL mades crowd applause noises. ] > a most excellent parody of > Disney's The Lion King. JOEL: And I bet they use it to teach us all a little something about friendship, too. > It's yet another ridiculous story TOM: And by story we mean mass of unfocused typing. > by Stephen > Tramer and," CROW: Maurice Noble? JOEL: Ron Goulart? TOM: Mister Spock? > [Editor's note: NOOO! Don't say my name! JOEL: Must be Rumpelstilsken. > I don't want > to be associated CROW: I had my heart set on being affiliated. > with such a shameless plug, TOM: And a three-pronged one at that. > especially for a story > that's not likely to ever be finished!!!!!] JOEL: A project thrown onto the Internet going unfinished? That's unthinkable. > "Thad Boyd!" CROW: Come on down! You're the next contestant on -- > [Editor's > note: D'OH!!!!] TOM: I'm beginning to question just how tightly this story was edited. > [Author's note: JOEL: You know, if this keeps up we'll never see the story again. > Sorry, Thad! It's not my fault! CROW: There was this tiny magic elf version of Elmer Fudd who came over to teach me about industrial shoe manufacture, and every time I say Jehosophat he turns more and more into a mouse! > The > story made me do it!] "Well, gotta go. TOM: Time to die. > Things to see, people to > light on fire. JOEL: Questions to raise about the logical coherence of the "Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew" universe. > Toodles!" > > Girard left. CROW: And somehow, we were all the poorer for it. > The watch chose that moment to fall off Maxl's > arm... TOM: The watch is making a break for it! > and, at almost the same time JOEL: Is that Mobian Daylight Time, or Mobian Standard Time, or... CROW: Mobian Greenwich Time. > that those things happened, JOEL: Other stuff did, too. > BoB > and Maxl vanished. TOM: And now, Bob and Maxl demonstrate, how not to be seen. > > > -- Contents JOEL: If anyone finds contents, let us know. Rewards will be offered. CROW: It pains me to say this, but it didn't have enough sidehacking. > > Look for the next book TOM: By Stephen King or Tom Clancy. > in the 72 Hours Trilogy soon, under > the title Limited Warfare! JOEL: Way down at the bottom. You might have to kneel. > Yet another ridiculous novel from Stephen > Tramer, CROW: Previously best known for his novel yet wacky dribble coathanger. > creator and co-author JOEL: And key grip -- > of The Flyee Thing. TOM: Pretty flyee for a white guyee. > DON'T LOOK FOR IT > IN STORES AT ALL! CROW: If you do find it anyway, curl into a fetal position and wait for death! Have a nice day! > JOEL: Be with us next time for another exciting presentation from No Motivations Theater! > > > > > Limited Warfare CROW: The fanfic equivalent of a land war in Asia. > > Book 2 JOEL: These are really more like pamphlets. > of the 72 HOURS TRILOGY CROW: Not since the Godfather Trilogy has the screen been so moved. > > Written by Stephen Tramer TOM: If we were only so fortunate. > > Edited by JOEL: Occasionally inserting silly comments. > Thad Boyd CROW: You really can't have too many odd first names. TOM: Tell us about it, *Crow*. > > Mature Content advisory JOEL: So we're going to see a bunch of people paying bills, worrying about the mortgage, debating where they should get the car repaired. > > VIOLENCE-3 TOM: How many points is this out of? > (There's some blood. BFD.) CROW: That stands for "Beige Fervid Dingo." > > PROFANITY-4 TOM: Are we going to understand the story if we haven't seen Profanity one through three? > (These BFD's and some mandatory, but mild, JOEL: But mostly mandatory. > cussing.) CROW: But that overlooks the fussing and the fuming. > > SEX-0 (Do you think I'm that disgusting?) TOM: I think shameless is the word we're looking for. > > OTHER-1 JOEL: This story contains slight elements of other stuff. > (Some people get drunk... CROW: Other people just stop getting sober. > BFD...again.) > > Contents TOM: Wait, he forgot the other ratings. JOEL: Right, like, BLUEBERRIES-7 (some people go out for blueberries). CROW: DIET COLAS-2 (people consider having a diet cola, but don't). TOM: SKIN CONDITIONER-1 (some guys have dry, flaky skin). > > Legal Shinola JOEL: LAWYERS-2. (Some irrelevant and comically unnecessary legal disclaimers are offered.) > > Chapter 1 -- The Darkness from the Hole in the Sky CROW: So this is the new Jack Chalker novel. > > Chapter 2 -- The Whiteness from the Hole in the Ground TOM: These guys don't know their whiteness from a hole in the ground. > > Chapter 3 -- The Helix JOEL: And its companion, the Moscar. > > Chapter 4 -- Dispatch JOEL: See fanfic occuring, 21st and Hoosick. > > Chapter 5 -- Drunken Stupor TOM: This must be the part we got warned about earlier. CROW: At least we'll have time to dig our way out. > > Chapter 6 -- The Arival of the Fittest JOEL: Hey, didn't we do that chapter already? CROW: Next book it's going to be the Carnival of the Flutist. > > Legal Shinola > > I, Stephen Tramer, TOM: Being of sound mind and puffy body... > and all of my stories/characters/ CROW: Car washes/library cards/hamburger buns/sticks. > etc. are > protected under Title 17. JOEL: Unless that's the one about college women's sports. > I am working on getting all of my works > officially copyrighted. TOM: Yeah, we should check how that registration is going, huh? > Those characters I did not create CROW: Are legion. Know their names. Remember their faces. > are listed > below JOEL: If you should see any of them, please call the authorities. > (alphabetical by character's first name): TOM: This is so we don't mistakenly think they're listed by who's coolest. > > Bookshire Draftwood JOEL: Making his hundredth appearance in a fanfic without having anything much to do. > - Dave Pistone CROW: Prepare for winter, make sure your antifreeze is replenished with some fine Dave Pistone. > Hedgehog X TOM: Fighting for the civil rights of hedgehogs everywhere. > - Brent Roberts JOEL: Wasn't that the dignified anchor-guy on "Murphy Brown"? > Kabuki Ninomiya CROW: And her evil twin, Nabuki Kinomiya. > - Jill Quindiagan > Sven-Sven TOM: A character named for the sound of walking in courderoy pants. > - Sean Bailey JOEL: I wonder what Sven-Sven's other stories are. > > > > TOM: This is the part of the story set inside a suitcase. > > Unknown CROW: It's *your* story, you can make something up. > > Chapter 1 JOEL: We should probably think up a joke about that. TOM: Yup, sure should. > > The Darkness from the Hole in the Sky CROW: It's either Jack Chalker or Edmond Hamilton. > > "It is my responsibility to enforce TOM: Proper playground safety procedures. > all the laws that haven't JOEL: And two of the laws that have. > been passed yet."-Joe's Garage, Act I (Frank Zappa) CROW: Oooooh. See, it's a reference. > > The blackness descended TOM: Somebody broke the light. > upon Maxl and BoB as they stood > side-by-side, JOEL: Arm in arm, mano a mano. > watching the cataclysmic event. CROW: They're just trying to remember the plot. > The ground began to > fold JOEL: Continental plate origami. > inward upon itself, and Maxl took a step backwards. TOM: And he hits a tree. > > Suddenly, the blackness that had so quickly engulfed the world CROW: Maybe they're just fading out and going to Wile E. Coyote's new scheme to catch the road runner? > began to fold in upon itself, as any paradox does. CROW: Or at least like that very last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation showed it, anyway. > And as far as > paradoxes go, TOM: Eh, you could take it or you could leave it. > this was the Big One. JOEL: Wait, this isn't a paradox, it's just a conundrum. > > And then it was all CROW: And all was it. > blackness, BoB and Maxl still standing TOM: They're not even in this scene. > where they had been only a few seconds before, JOEL: A dramatic recreation of waiting for a late bus. > but now standing on > what appeared to be nothing. CROW: Nothing goin' on, pass it on. > No matter occupied the space. TOM: This would probably be a good place for reasonably priced office rentals, then. > > "This is what happens?" gasped Maxl. JOEL: We sit around watching nothing do nothing and turn into more nothings? > > "Yes," said BoB, "but don't trust me. CROW: I'm just a little bit puckish. > I have been known to > turn on people. TOM: [ As Maxl ] Hey, that's OK. I like to piroette myself. > And animals, I might add. JOEL: And twice, I've savegely beaten plant life. > So from now on, CROW: And soon, and for the rest of your life. > I leave > you to do what you have to, TOM: Go in peace to love and serve the nothing. > and give you the time machine. Now, let's > get outta here." JOEL: This nothing has gotten so phony. > "How?" said Maxl. "Remote control," said BoB, CROW: You remember, it was a game show. MTV. Nothing much came from it. > bringing out a remote control from the pocket TOM: Now if we were just VCRs, we'd be somewhere. > of his checkered, > double-knit suit. JOEL: So, Bob isn't naked, right? CROW: No, he wears something, but I can't think what. > He pushed a button on it, TOM: No! That's the self-destruct button! > and he and Maxl vanished > from the nothingness, CROW: I think it's bold to have nothing be the point of this story. > if such a thing were possible. JOEL: If it isn't possible the story can't end. > BoB walked off. TOM: He walks to the matte painting at the edge of the world and bumps his nose. > Maxl stared at the time machine. CROW: He likes the blinky lights. > "Seventy-Two Hours?" he said, TOM: Give or take a day. > "What > kinda name is that for a time machine?" ALL: Oooooh. JOEL: See, now the title makes sense. > > He kicked the thing. He hurt his foot. TOM: Suddenly, a pirate ship -- wait, we covered that. > And then, finally, he > cussed CROW: Hey, somebody wash his mouth out with soap. > as a result of hitting JOEL: If he doesn't stop hitting his time machine his mom's going to send him to his room. > the thing with his foot. TOM: Then he started kicking the thing with his hand. > > "I guess I should call JOEL: They're probably worried about me by now. > it something else from now on," CROW: So I can prove to people that I can make up names. > continued Maxl thoughtfully. "I'll call it... TOM: If I get its number. > ummm...I'll call > it... CROW: Jason. > ahh, to hell with it, I'll just call it the Damn Machine. TOM: Not that we're ever going to talk about it again. JOEL: I'm feeling a lot more confident that he's going to be able to save the world now. > I > wonder where the Damn Machine will take me next..." TOM: Not that I know where it's sent me now. > said Maxl as he > stepped into the thing CROW: Theorizing that one could time travel within his own life time, Maxl stepped into the quantum leap accelerator and vanished... > and flipped the only switch on it. JOEL: That switch is the guillotine! Look out! > "I wonder > where..." TOM: I bet he's going to travel back in time, meet Jade, they hit it off, get married, have a kid, and then Maxl realizes the kid is growing up to be Tracker, only then he fiddles with a magic ray that turns himself into a green female badger and sends him back in time where he meets himself and he realizes he turned into Jade and then when she's showing off her powers she accidentally turns Tracker into a baby, gives him amnesia and sends him back in time where he's discovered by the people we thought were Maxl's parents who send Tracker to school with him and Jade where they all get fused into a single body like they were in that "Jaded Views" experiment. JOEL: I love stories like that. > > Hedgehog X was nervous. CROW: "Somebody's bound to find out what my X stands for!" > He fretted. He paced. JOEL: "They've probably searched the apartment by now... they have to know about my pictures of Slappy Squirrel." > He even > talked to himself. CROW: "How am I going to explain it to my wife... to my boss... I'm a weak hedgehog!" > Then the man showed up, TOM: We're all bein' oppressed by The Man. > wearing a hat JOEL: And clown pants. > that would > have looked absurd on anyone. CROW: Yet on him, the comic effect was muted. > HX stared at the man. TOM: [ As the man ] You know where there's any minorities I can keep from getting a fair shake? > "I have > something for Maxl," he said. JOEL: Something... saucy! > "Do you know where he is?" TOM: Process servers of other worlds! > "Why do you > want to speak to Maxl?" said HX. CROW: Can anybody think of a good reason to? > "He's busy trying to save the world, JOEL: And he's in *waaaay* over his head. > you know." "Is he?" said the man, JOEL: [ As the man ] Now, quick, find me some women I can keep barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen! > bringing a gun out from his coat > pocket, CROW: And a coat from his gun pocket. > "That's too bad...after all, he's the only one who can save TOM: Actually, we can all save by switching our long-distance carriers. > you freaks." "Me? A freak?!" gasped HX. "A freak. JOEL: A super-freak. You're super-freaky. > Prepare to be > pulp, CROW: He's getting drawn into the orange juice rebellion. > you fictitious freak!" TOM: You know, there's a little pot-kettle-black here. > said the man, tossing the gun aside CROW: [ As the man ] I gotta go infiltrate some student movements and create tension between them and the working man! > and > revealing some wicked-looking blades JOEL: I like that Stephen is leaving so much of this story in his own head. > that were sticking out of his > hand. TOM: Ooh, I bet that smarts. > Hedgehog X gulped, and ran. CROW: He took the money and run. > > > > 3241 TOM: Somebody messed up the countdown. > > Neo-Reality JOEL: Reality with the great taste of lymon inside. > > Chapter 2 > > The Whiteness from the Hole in the Ground CROW: The unbearable whiteness of being a hole in the ground. > > The void [Editor's note: It's just a void, not the Void] TOM: So you don't get confused. > opened with a sound much like that of a flushing toilet, JOEL: We're now precisely as wacky as every episode of the Tiny Toons. > and Maxl came > spewing out of it. As the ground flew towards him, CROW: On a nonstop out of Detroit. > he screamed in > horror. ALL: [ Flatly ] Aaaaaaaaah. > The logical part of his mind told him CROW: He was about to have the chance to inspect his intestines. > that if he didn't do > something quick, he would be a pancake. JOEL: Then he splattered. > > He thought quickly, TOM: First time for everything. > and grabbed a nearby tree branch. CROW: His arms popped out of his sockets and he plummeted into the ground. > He hung > there for a moment, JOEL: See, he's stuck 'cause badgers can fall pretty well but they can't climb down trees. > and realized that he had to have a way to get > down. CROW: "If I keep going up, eventually I'll lap myself and then I'll be down again." > That was when the perfect victim to land on walked underneath > him. JOEL: He never met Mister Trampoline before but hoped the walking sports equipment would not mind. > A nice, soft, fuzzy, little kitty. As he jumped from the tree TOM: No, Mooch, look ouuuuuuuut! > he wondered if what he was doing was right, CROW: And then he remembered he's the powerful avatar representing the author, and therefore is above all questions of morality. > and grabbed another branch JOEL: Unfortunately, it was a bank branch. ALL: Wah wah wah waaaaaaah..... > as he passed it. The cat walked out from underneath. CROW: Some jerks threw litter out of a VW minibus, and an Indian cried. > Maxl sighed TOM: [ Muttering ] Story's not going to end itself. > and > was about to let go when another figure walked underneath. JOEL: [ As Maxl ] Mister Fireman's Net! This is even better! > Maxl could > easily identify the figure CROW: [ As Maxl ] Better still, that's Mister Pool of Rubber Balls under there! I can jump and it'll be fun! > as Bookshire, due to the limping of the > somewhat aged raccoon. TOM: [ Grumpy, as Bookshire ] Ranger Rick never calls me anymore except when he needs money. > Maxl swung down a few branches ALL: [ Singing ] George, George, George of the Jungle! > and soon was > standing behind Bookshire. CROW: This is the strangest installment ever of "Pith Possum." > He reached out, JOEL: Ab-ra, ab-ra, cadabra... I wanna reach out and grab ya... > but then the raccoon > turned and said, "I knew you'd come for me." TOM: Did we wander into Logan's Run by mistake? > > "What year is this?" demanded Maxl of Bookshire. JOEL: [ As Bookshire ] June. > > "3241, CROW: Hut, hut, hike! > of course," said Bookshire, somewhat frantically. TOM: I'm not forgetful! > "The > Age of Crotswurth. CROW: When the moon is in the *ninth* house. > Didn't you know that? I mean, after all, you are > his humble servant." TOM: You're in charge of his bowling shoes. > > "3241? When I left it was 3236..." CROW: I've must've time travelled from the last scene to this one! > Maxl trailed off, then, > suddenly, as he got the full impact of what Bookshire had said, he > gasped, JOEL: I missed the last five Bud Bowls! > "Me?! Crotswurth's servant?! I'm trying to save the cosmos, > good ol' buddy." > > Bookshire took a step backwards. TOM: Just off the Great Edge of the Great Cliff into the Great Valley where he takes a Great Fall and makes a Great Splat. > "I don't believe a word of > it," he said, CROW: I find your 'the' completely unconvincing. > and walked off as fast as he could. TOM: Fifteen minutes later he still wasn't past the first tree. > > Meanwhile, the cat was stalking up behind Maxl, JOEL: That's what he gets for wearing his cat dancer earrings. > katana in > hand. CROW: Katanas are good for fanfics because they sound more dangerous than knives. > > Maxl felt that something was going to suddenly hit him in the > back very hard, TOM: And his suspicions were confirmed when his skull shattered. > and ducked. CROW: Quack. > The katana flew over his head, JOEL: It's migrating. > and Maxl > turned to see Kabuki standing behind him. CROW: My favorite form of Japanese theater and it's right here! > > "Why...why did you let Shire go?" she gasped. TOM: He has to get back to recounting the Florida presidential vote. > "What the > [ bleep ] is going on here?" said Maxl. JOEL: I think they wandered into a subplot. > Kabuki peered intently at his > hair CROW: Hey... you've got dandruff. > for some reason and said after a few moments, TOM: I had my doubts about you, but your hair reassures me of your trustworthiness. > still holding the > katana, "Nice haircut. JOEL: When Flo-bees came to Mobius. > When did you get it chopped up? CROW: Maybe that time you stuck your head in the blender? > When the > Reconnaissance nearly killed you?" JOEL: Or when the Renaissance nearly painted you? > > "This is the way my hair has always looked," said Maxl. CROW: Except for those weeks I wore a "Nancy" wig. > Bookshire walked up behind Maxl and said, "He's coming. ALL: Aaaah! TOM: Don't *do* that, Radar! > Hide." At > that, Kabuki and Bookshire went off as fast as they could, CROW: Until Bookshire had to stop for his pre-afternoon nap rest. > Bookshire > wincing whenever his bad leg hit the ground. JOEL: Yeah, he complains when his bad leg hits the ground, but he complained even more when he was levitated and his leg couldn't touch the ground at all. > > "Who?" said Maxl to himself. CROW: Orange. TOM: Orange who? > But his question would soon be > answered. JOEL: For Maxl and his time travel belt there would come another day. > A man walked up next to Maxl and said, TOM: I'm sorry, I can't hear you, there's a banana in my ear! > "Maxl? How > come... CROW: Because our only alternatives for the story were Jade and Tracker. > it's me. Karl." > > "Uncle Karl?!" said Maxl, JOEL: Oh, sorry, no. Karl Freidrich Gauss. > taken aback by the man's bedraggled > appearance. TOM: He was dressed like a 1930s movie tramp. > > "Yeah...last I saw you was about five years ago... JOEL: I'm not even seeing you now. > right before > Crotswurth supposedly 'vanished'." said Karl. CROW: Crotswurth and Maxl mysteriously vanished, thereby establishing the Age of Crotswurth with Maxl as his evil underling. TOM: Vanishing is a good way to establish your empire. JOEL: So we're ready to be conquered by the supporting cast from "Murphy Brown"? > > "You went to warn me of him... you were concerned for my > safety." CROW: This could be a violation of the Prime Directive. > Maxl trailed off. "Right," said Karl. He brought out a gun > and continued, TOM: That Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off of it. > "But that ended when you took your place as the Man of > the Dark... CROW: Man of the Dark Hour... now here's our Beelzebub! > Crotswurth's right hand man." JOEL: See, that explains why Maxl has two right hands and no left ones. > And that was when it > happened. TOM: Glad to have that out of the way. Now we can go home. > A hole in the ground opened, and a maw of white light CROW: Where's its paw? JOEL: Out feudin' with the Ruggs again. > flooded the forest. Maxl covered his eyes, JOEL: He's on Mobius. He'd need a baseball infield tarp. > and after a few moments > the whiteness was gone. TOM: Suddenly everybody had a lot more soul. > Karl dropped the gun, CROW: Mother Superior got it. > and it went off when > it hit the ground, shooting Maxl in the leg, JOEL: That's a well-scripted gun accident. > and blood spewed from > his thigh. CROW: He's tense, his blood pressure must be like 500 psi. > As he fell to the ground TOM: He got hit by a whale and a flower pot that were right above him. > he could feel Karl trying to > hold him up, to sustain his balance... JOEL: But somebody keeps shaking the camera and it's really tricky. > > The white pillar of light flew out of the forest. TOM: Hey, Q's visiting them. > Crotswurth > stared at it CROW: Dare you to lick it. JOEL: You lick it first. CROW: You're yellow. JOEL: No way, last time I got my tongue stuck on the flagpole and we hadda call the fire department. CROW: See? You're yellow. > and muttered, "The Man of the White is here. TOM: And for us, he shall Riverdance! > And he is > here to kill us... CROW: [ As Crotswurth ] I'd rather he didn't. > Maxl, come closer." JOEL: Towards the kill zone. > > "Yes, milord," said Maxl, and he stepped towards Crotswurth, TOM: Did we just jump to another scene or story or did we go insane or something? > who put his arms around his shoulders. "It's by the tree, too. JOEL: That narrows it down. > The > largest tree in the whole forest. TOM: Is that by height or volume or size of the root structure or...? > Use CPS to find who it is and try > to get an accurate bio sample if you can. Send out a crew, if > necessary. CROW: Do some more science stuff if you think of it. > If I must, I will join it, as will you. JOEL: So better get the needle and the really big sewing machine, just in case. > Move it." "Yes, > Master," said Maxl, and he waddled off to the computer terminal. CROW: He's got to write the next couple chapters before we reach them. > As > he punched keys for a few minutes, TOM: Then felt silly when he remembered he was supposed to type. > Crotswurth wondered if it really > was who he suspected it to be. JOEL: [ As Crotswurth ] I was hoping it'd be Teri Hatcher, I sent her four hundred invitations... maybe I should've been more explicit. > "This is very odd," Maxl murmured. CROW: It's 19173579. > "Crotswurth, come take a look at this." TOM: Cartoon Network's showing a marathon of Scooby Doo movies this weekend... do we wanna risk missing that? > > Crotswurth walked towards the terminal. JOEL: In a wacky mixup, he accidentally walks into the Hoboken PATH station and gets on the train to New York City. > On it there was a > helix continuously revolving, CROW: [ As Crotswurth ] Kind of a tall, thin rotating restaurant, isn't it? > and Crotswurth said one word TOM: "Lapillus." > when he saw > it. JOEL: And now you know the rest of the sentence. > And that one word was "Willind". CROW: You know, the spirit is willind, but the plot is weak. > After he said that one word, TOM: He felt ashamed and self-conscious. > he > slowly slunk away, JOEL: And as the story sinks slowly into the sunset... > leaving Maxl contemplating the helix. CROW: Around and around they goes, where they stop, nobody knows... > > "Me?" said Maxl in wonder. JOEL: Moi? > "Two of me? Impossible." TOM: Unless it's that me from five years ago that went forward in time to the present day -- but no, that's silly. > and > then he, too, walked off into the shadows of the tower. CROW: Is that the Tower of Terror? JOEL: Check to see if it's owned by International Oddbods, Inc. > > And that was when the screen of the computer blew outward, TOM: Hey, he's being sucked into Freakazoid! > shattering the CRT tube and the glass that covered the monitor. JOEL: That or Tron. CROW: Maybe we're going to visit the world of Automan next. > > JOEL: Jade is very important to this story. > > > 3241 CROW: The worst approximation of pi ever. > > Neo-Reality JOEL: It's a nice little club just off Castro Street. > > Chapter 3 TOM: The beginning. > > The Helix JOEL: They make it sound so special. It's just a spiral staircase! > > Maxl awoke in a small room, CROW: He took out this balloon and he could fit the room in it. > his legs wrapped up in some anti-G > trousers. TOM: Ex-NASA. Fantastic for walkies. > He used his arms CROW: I like that sort of bold action from a character. > to lift himself into a more comfortable > position, JOEL: Doing chinups? > and then after a few seconds of lying awake, TOM: Christian Slater's going to interrupt with a message from Star Fleet Command. > he fell back > into a deep sleep. CROW: By Jack Handy. > > The cloud of hovercycles flew above the treetops, Crotswurth > and Maxl at the lead. JOEL: And it's Queen Victoria coming up close on the outside followed closely by Queen Victoria and then behind Queen Victoria is Queen Victoria coming up close on Queen Victoria as they go head to head with Queen Victoria... > As they neared the scene of the accident, > Crotswurth slowed down, TOM: Sending the guy tailgating careening off the road and into a concrete embankment. > as did Maxl and the guards following them. > > Crotswurth pointed at the ground, CROW: Yeah, down there, there's a whole bunch of stuff, isn't it neat? > and flew into a dive. TOM: What a dump. > Maxl > was the only other one to follow; the guards stayed up in the air. JOEL: They're not so interested in this story. > > Crotswurth pulled up at the last minute, ALL: Whew! > and settled the > hovercycle to a nice little resting place on the ground, and Maxl did > the same. TOM: Hey, synchronized parking. > > Then Crotswurth walked towards the back of the hovercycle, CROW: Looks like you got a broken parking light... I'll just give you a warning this time, get it fixed. > opened up a storage compartment, JOEL: And the tribbles fall out. > and took out some gloves, a plastic > bag, and a portable computer. CROW: He's taking his digital pet out for a walk. > He opened the bag, and brought out the > chemicals it contained, JOEL: [ Reading inventory ] Dihydrofanficizene, plotesterase, sulfur dicontrivance, unsymmetric dimethyl premise ketone... > as well as some breakers and test tubes. TOM: And some other science stuff. > > He set up the computer, and put on the gloves, JOEL: On his ears? > as any person > that's going to be doing some dangerous chemical work does. CROW: You think he's going to be doing some dangerous chemical work? TOM: That looks more like preparations to do some dangerous chemical work. JOEL: No, I think he's getting ready to do some dangerous chemical work. > And that > was when Crotswurth noticed the blood on the ground. TOM: This scene must be at a high altitude. It's causing nosebleeds. > He picked up a > syringe CROW: "I'll have to remember to dump this on the beach later." > and took it over to the blood, hoping to get a good sample. TOM: Won't he feel silly when he tries to get the blood type of a splat of pizza sauce? > > As the needle filled up with some reddish dirt, JOEL: Mars, heroin addict. > Crotswurth > pondered over the events of only a few hours ago, CROW: That far back would be before the story began. > especially the > helix. The helix of Willind's, Jade's, Tracker's, and Maxl's DNA, JOEL: One of those abstract art Christmas Trees from the sixties. > with only slight differences in the structure and genetic code for > each different being. TOM: That's not DNA, that's one of those magic eye puzzles. > > The syringe finally filled up, CROW: Then he washed his windshield and pulled over to check his tire pressure. > and Crotswurth took it to the > computer. JOEL: He's going use it to make it look like somebody mugged his laptop. > He removed the needle, TOM: Back to the haystack with you. > and stuck the remainders of the > syringe into one of the few jacks on the computer, CROW: There's the slot for the battery, for the modem, for the floppy disk, and there's the intravenous blood drip. > then squirted a > little of the reddish dirt into the machine, TOM: Computer-aided clay scuplture! > and asked for an > analysis. JOEL: And he learns if he puts the black seven on the red eight, he'll be able to finish the Solitaire game. > > A helix slowly formed on the screen, TOM: Let's now go for a tour inside the radio wave. > and Crotswurth stared at > it. Aside for some genetic code from the dirt, CROW: That's not really dirt, that's Life Mini-Jades. > Crotswurth could make > out the helix that had troubled him so much earlier: TOM: Finally exposing the connection between evil warlords and projective geometry! > Willind's helix - JOEL: Will ind for food. > specifically, the slightly variant genetic code of Maxl mixed. CROW: It turns out their genetic "code" is just pig Latin. > > Crotswurth frowned, and beckoned to Maxl, TOM: Quick, Dan Rather is getting weird! Get over here! > who walked over and > gazed at the helix. TOM: Pretty... > "What do you make of it?" said Crotswurth. CROW: If we had some ham, we could make ham and eggs. If we had some eggs. > "It's > mine, no question about it," said Maxl, JOEL: I can tell by its pheromone trail. > "but I haven't been out of the > palace for about two weeks now. TOM: We really ought to mark the exits better. > What do you make of it?" JOEL: I think they're trying to go to the Genesis Planet. > "The past. > The Maxl of the past. CROW: The Maxl of earlier seasons is coming back to make the modern one look bad by comparison. > And from now on...I will have to refer to you > as Neo-Maxl. TOM: Wouldn't it make more sense for him if he called his friend and lackey Maxl, and he called the one from the past Retro-Maxl? > The Maxl of the future." JOEL: [ As Dan Rowan ] Maxl of the future, thirty years from now, flash! Dateline 2001 -- The first lady will speak to the nation about fashion tonight, displaying the clothes you *will* be wearing! > [Editor's Note: CROW: That's what we needed to pick up our spirits. > Did you really > think we were going to keep them that confusing?!] TOM: I don't know, why don't you take a paragraph break and tell us. > "Deal?" > > "So we're dealing with me?" asked Neo-Maxl rhetorically. JOEL: Are we dealing with me? I don't see anybody else here to deal with, you must be dealing with me. > "I > have to battle myself? CROW: And we have to be honest, we're kind of rooting for you to lose. > Is that what you are telling me? TOM: Wouldn't he, like, remember this from his own experiences? > A scary > thought." JOEL: Not as scary as the thought that even if we finish this "book" there's another whole one after it. > > "Yes," said Crotswurth, starting to pack up, TOM: Now, I've got a business trip so I'll be in Utica all week. You know where the void slips and the spare keys are? > "and if I know > him, he should have found the Reconnaissance by now." CROW: And they're probably dying to get rid of him. > > "Maxl, wake up!" said a voice. JOEL: Good, I was afraid he was being called by a scent. > Maxl saw a blurry figure on > the horizon, TOM: [ Eager ] Blur-Man! You're finally here! > whom he barely recognized as Tracker. TOM: No, it's our hero, it's Blur-Man! > Tracker turned his > head TOM: It's Blur-Man! Here to save us all with his blurry powers! CROW: Can you do something about him? > and said to some unseen person, "He's awake." TOM: And now Blur-Man, in his secret identity as the mild-mannered Arthur Curry, will -- JOEL: Tom. Arthur Curry is Aquaman's secret identity. TOM: Really? JOEL: Yup. TOM: [ Crestfallen, after a pause ] Oh. > > Karl and another figure TOM: Sorry, Blur-Man. > walked into the room. CROW: Knocking themselves out. JOEL: BONK! > Maxl frowned in > concentration at the third figure, trying to figure out who it was. JOEL: [ Singing the theme from "What's My Line?" ] Bum, buh bah bah, buh bom ba bom! Bum, buh bah bah, bah bah ba bah! > > "Jade?" he mumbled. TOM: No, I'm sorry, next panelist, Bennett Cerf. > > "Good, he can see," said Karl. CROW: [ Sniffing ] Well, he can smell, at least. > "Now let's get rid of those > damn trousers." JOEL: It's the wrong trousers, Gromit, and they've gone wrong! > > Tracker removed the anti-G trousers, TOM: Is clothing made out of upsidaisium a good idea? > and Maxl lifted himself > up. JOEL: He just loves his chin-ups. > The third figure (Jade?) steadied him, and helped him get off the > bed. CROW: The fourth figure played that hilarious "what's that?" nose-bop trick all day long. TOM: And the fifth figure ran "wee wee wee" all the way home. > > Karl steadied Maxl, JOEL: And Maxl steadied Jade and Jade steadied the dog and the dog steadied their tower of pizza boxes -- > and walked him into the other room, TOM: Knocking them both out when they hit the wall. > where > a helix was continuously revolving on the screen of a computer. CROW: Wow, it's like a slinky that doesn't stop. > > "Willind?" mumbled Maxl. JOEL: Willind the Willows? > Jade and Karl sat him down on a > couch, CROW: [ As Karl ] Maxl, Jade and I have decided we're going to get married. JOEL: [ As Maxl ] Wooooow. To who? > and Maxl fell asleep once more. TOM: Now, at one point, didn't they have like sixty hours to save the world? > > "He must be tired," said Karl, JOEL: 'Cause of how he was stuffed into an inner tube and all. > "he's been through a lot > lately, I suppose." CROW: What with his falling out a tree and going to sleep. > > "Indeed," said Jade. "Let him rest. TOM: He'll need his strength for Lion-O's Initiation Trials. > What do you say, > Tracker?" > > "I say," said Tracker, JOEL: We could explain it all better in... a song! > "that something is wrong with that > computer. CROW: The one somebody injected dirt and blood into? > The one that had the helix on the screen." CROW: Oh. > Tracker pointed > at the computer. TOM: So I can store my recipes on this? > There was a system error on the screen, JOEL: Stack memory overflow. CROW: Sins of the father. TOM: Not a typewriter. > and Karl > went over to check it out. CROW: Check it out, it's an episode of the A-Team with guest star Hulk Hogan! > > The screen read: TOM: It didn't like what it saw. > > UNABLE TO STABILAZE HELIX JOEL: Stabilazing helixes these days is hard. > > "Print reason," Karl commanded. CROW: I hope it says the error's at some number that looks sort of like a memory address, so we can believe Stephen Tramer really understands computers. > > ERROR AT 4031$B JOEL: What do you think now? CROW: It wasn't as satisfying as I'd hoped. > "HELIX STRUCTURE" > > "Clarify," Karl told it. TOM: It's a *Slinky* shape. > > ERROR WITH HELIX ROTATION SUBROUTINE JOEL: Spinning isn't good enough for it anymore. > ERROR WITH HELIX STABILIZATION SUBROUTINE TOM: It goes flying off over the stupidest issues. > ERROR WITH HELIX ID SUBROUTINE JOEL: And with the helix monsters of the id subroutine. > ERROR WITH MAIN EVENT LOOP TOM: Saturday Night's Main Event Loop? > ERROR WITH ERROR CHKR SUBROUTINE CROW: Plus everything's just all fowled up. > ^1 JOEL: Hey, the story just burped. > > "[ Bleep ]," said Karl, "sheer system error. TOM: It's a sheer system error with a daring, plunging neckline, all the rage this year in Paris. > I'm gonna reboot > and see if I can get that helix again. CROW: Jiggle the antenna! TOM: Try the plug the other way in. > It's Maxl's, right?" Karl hit > the reboot button. CROW: We should've known. > > "Yeah," said Tracker, "it's his. JOEL: He should be keeping better care of his helix. He'll never learn responsibility otherwise. > Reboot and see if we have > any Invaders TOM: People trying to get into Mainframe? > that may have caused the error with the main event loop. CROW: You forgot to put the key in the ignition, maybe that's the problem? > It's some pretty serious [ bleep ], that." TOM: I've never seen that done more serious or pretty. > > "At least I programmed in a backup error checker, JOEL: It's good he knows how to write FakeCode++ for the Plot OS. > or we > wouldn't gotten that last one, CROW: Yeah, we got that last one good -- they never knew what hit them! > or such a clean system break. TOM: Or such a great lemony smell! > Ahh, > here we are." said Karl. JOEL: The band you've known for all these years. > The system had rebooted, CROW: But now it was sulky and wasn't talking to anybody. > and Karl, > switching to the keyboard, TOM: It's a Unix system, I can hack this. > typed in: > > HELIX ROTATION CROW: So they're going to save the world by spinning? > > The computer replied with: TOM: A wacky and sarcastic comment, and they all laughed and went home. > > HELIX ACTIVE. CROW: It's joined a whole bunch of afterschool clubs. > NAME HELIX FILE JOEL: Mmmm... Murray! > > Karl typed in: CROW: People will not be seated during the thrilling "data entry operator" sequence. > > MAXHELIX TOM: Helix to the max! > > The computer informed him: CROW: The snitch. > > BUILDING HELIX JOEL: Helix the Bat, the wonderful, wonderful bat! > > The helix appeared on the screen, TOM: Now they're just showing off their special effects budget. > and Karl watched intently as > it morphed CROW: Joel, they're trying to pass off a screensaver as an action sequence. > from what the computer identified JOEL: Out of five different shapes, in a police lineup. > as Maxl's genetic code to > Jade's, and then Tracker's. TOM: So *that's* why they all were in a single body and why after they were separated Maxl spoke with a Movie Brooklyn accent and they all acted stupid. > Then the helix changed shape again, CROW: Becoming a small, flightless waterfowl. > and > the error happened. TOM: Computer says it's the eighteenth of Febnomuember? > Karl looked at the screen and said, JOEL: [ As Karl ] I don't know what the heck I'm doing. > "Who's > Willind?" ALL: We are all Willind. > "I have no clue," CROW: And I must scream. > said Tracker. "Me neither," said Jade. TOM: Don't go to any trouble figuring it out for us. > "The guardian of the Jades," said a voice. JOEL: And the protector of Castle Greyskull. > The three turned around to > see Maxl on his knees, TOM: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a mass rang out! > barely able to breathe. "I gotta stop > Crotswurth, not much time left..." CROW: Yeah, it's not like with that time machine you could go back in time and stop the trouble before it starts. > and then he collapsed into a > catatonic state on the floor, TOM: And then Tracker and Jade folded him into an origami swan for some reason. > probably from blood loss and sheer > exhaustion. JOEL: So his plan was to go into the future, and bleed? > > > > > 3241 CROW: At the very end of the countdown, the voice of Mission Control gets a case of the sillies. > > Neo-Reality JOEL: Same as the old reality. > > _____________________________________________________________ TOM: Tear off the below portion of this story and return it for a full refund. > > Chapter 4 CROW: Chapter four is always the best. > > Dispatch JOEL: One Adam Twelve, One Adam Twelve, plot implosion at 17th and Hoosick, proceed immediately, backup to follow. > > _____________________________________________________________ > > "From the East, right?" TOM: The East is nice. I like it here. > said Tracker one more time, CROW: Just give him one more time. > just to > make sure. JOEL: Ever since that wacky port versus starboard problem, he double-checks. > > [Editor's note: TOM: "I want to babble annoyingly about something trivial and pretend it's comedy." CROW: I dunno, that's kind of what we do half the time. > Have you ever noticed JOEL: [ As Andy Rooney ] Paperclips just aren't any good if you've got enough pieces of paper you have to clip them together! And another thing... > that everyone always > attacks from the east?! TOM: Yeah, there's the Normandy Invasion, the landing at Seoul, Napoleon's invasion of Russia, Sherman's march through Georgia... > Case in point: Final Fantasy III (US). JOEL: Now, remember, we promised not to ask about the sequel problem. > Vicks > and Wedge even say they're attacking from the east, TOM: It's not an attack, they're just going on a Krispy Kreme run. > even though they, > quite obviously, attack from the south.] JOEL: So, in this example of attacking from the east, they don't attack from the east. > > Jade nodded, as did Karl. TOM: Bobbing heads on parade. > "I feel kinda bad about just > leaving Maxl there on the floor," CROW: And that we replaced his skeleton with newspaper pulp. > said Karl, "but I guess it's > necessary, right?" JOEL: Don't go to any trouble for us. > > "Yeah," said Jade. TOM: What is it? > "We've gotta find out if what Maxl is > saying is true, CROW: The only thing he *said* was "Willind." > and we may as well try and lock up the computer system TOM: If we find a computer system. > while we're at it. > > "Karl, you're taking the left tower," she continued. JOEL: I'm taking the right tower, and you'll get to Scotland before me. > Karl > nodded. CROW: I don't know what we're doing, but I'm very supportive. > "When you reach the terminal on the highest possible level, TOM: Try looking out the window and spit, I think it'll be cool. > use the Matrix interface JOEL: Assuming that means anything. > and try to cop out the ICE. CROW: Just drop it in some hot cocoa and it'll be done with. > > "After that, radio Tracker in the right tower, TOM: And then we'll find out we were in the wrong towers and have to do it all over again. > and he'll cut > the power." CROW: I understand this was the original World Trade Center bomb plan. > Tracker nodded, knife in hand. JOEL: He's in charge of crackers and cheese for the squad. > > "Then Tracker will radio me," Jade finished, TOM: You know, if they don't all have their ham radio licenses they're going to get in a lot of trouble with the Mobius FCC. > "and I'll take > care of the rest. JOEL: If you get captured, develop a new superpower and break out. > Good luck. We have exactly forty-five minutes to > pull this off. CROW: That's not even enough time to get your lenses made in about. > Synchronize watches...now." TOM: Wait, I can't find the button! CROW: Wait, I can't find my watch! JOEL: Wait, I can't hear people say 'now'! > > The sound of three watches beeping at the same time occurred, JOEL: In some other scene, somewhere. > and the time on every one of them read: TOM: From their storybooks. > > 00:00:01 CROW: They better move quick, they're almost out of time. > > "Move out." said Jade, and Karl ran off to the East. JOEL: So, they're attacking the thing that's *to* the east, but *from* the west. > And > that was when it all began for real... TOM: Now, at one point, wasn't there a guy who wandered in, yelled at Hedgehog X or somebody for being fictional, showed off some knives, and left? > > "Maxl, wake up..." said a voice. JOEL: Your bus is almost here and you have a Social Studies test first period. > Maxl opened his eyes to see > a familiar form CROW: Application for hardship discharge from being a main character... > standing in front of him. "BoB?" said the badger in > disbelief. TOM: [ As Bob Newhart ] Sorry I'm late. Jerry and Carol needed me to settle an argument with Doctor Tupperman. > > "You are in the building JOEL: Which Elvis has left. > of the Reconnaissance... CROW: So take a good look around. > a group after > Crotswurth's [ bleep ]. Join, and trust them all. JOEL: Except the guy who keeps fondling an axe and talking about the height requirements to be in it. > Even Jade and > Karl, TOM: Even Donnie and Marie. > although they seem your rivals. And be on the lookout for a man JOEL: Disguised as a Shetland pony. > named Sven-Sven. CROW: Isn't that the Swedish Chef's secret identity? > He is the key to all of this madness. TOM: If you or any members of your impossible missions force are captured, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of you and your actions. > Good luck, > Maxl." > JOEL: This message will self-destruct in ten -- > BoB vanished from sight. JOEL: [ Surprised ] Hey, it *did*! > > Maxl got up, shaking his head. CROW: C'mon, just five more minutes, *please*. > He had seen the white light, TOM: Yet he felt no special calling. > and been shot in the leg, and then had woken up in some room or other, JOEL: So far, his plan is working out perfectly. > wearing anti-G trousers for some absurd reason. TOM: Those aren't antigravity pants, they're just hospital stirrups. CROW: Ah, well, it's no use prevaricating about the bush... > He got up, and, oddly > enough, found his watch back on his wrist. TOM: It was supposed to be wrapped around his thigh. > He frowned. JOEL: "I never have been able to figure out the phase-of-the-moon display on this thing." > > "You're gonna need that, kid," said BoB's voice. CROW: His wrist? > "Time is of > the essence here. TOM: Yeah, because it's not like he has a time machine. > Good luck, again." JOEL: Frankly, you seem to need more help than any of us can give you > > Maxl looked at the computer in the corner, CROW: "Do they have Master of Orion II on there?" > and walked up to > it. TOM: I think he's getting ready to play the Family Feud. > On the screen there was a helix revolving continuously. [ CROW makes the Knight Rider whew-whew scanning noise. ] > At the > top right corner of the screen some words were printed. JOEL: There was white-out on the screen over the typos. > Those words > were: CROW: Free-dom? TOM: Our worship words! > > 67 HOURS JOEL: You work 67 hours and what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt. > > Maxl shuddered at those words, TOM: Those words had beaten him up in gym class. > feeling that the word 'hours' JOEL: You know, what's yours is hours. > was going to haunt him for the next sixty-seven of them, CROW: Unless the hours are all stacked up, one on top of the other. > or until he > killed Crotswurth. TOM: Unless they go into the bonus round together. > > Maxl shut off the computer, JOEL: "I don't like any spinning helix." > only half aware of what he was > doing, CROW: That's about twice as aware as he usually is. > and walked out of the little building that was the base of the > Reconnaissance. JOEL: This was back in the good old days, when they were run out of a Quonset hut. > > Karl ran up the stairs of the left tower, TOM: Shouldn't he crawling through the air ducts? > unheeding of the > guards. CROW: He's gonna feel so silly when he sees the elevator on the side. > he produced a weapon of his own devising JOEL: Some mud, a couple sticks and his own spit. > from his coat > pocket, an anti-matter pistol TOM: Actually, it's just a Supersoaker. > - guaranteed to disintegrate any matter CROW: Or your money back. > that may exist JOEL: Or which may not exist. > by simply producing the exact opposite chemical > compounds as that material was made of. TOM: That seems a really complex way to just blow stuff up. > It took about five to ten > minutes CROW: And then you have to start waiting. > for that compound to take hold of the victim and start > destroying it. TOM: Wouldn't it be easier to just press the self-destruct button? > He walked towards the only elevator in the tower, JOEL: I don't think having only one elevator for the whole tower meets fire code safety requirements. > and > pushed the up button for it. CROW: Only the entire building dropped down instead of the elevator going up. > The elevator arrived, and Karl stepped > into it, TOM: Watch, the door opens up and it turns out there's stairs inside. > pushing the button for the top floor in the process. JOEL: It takes practice to make elevator use look this casual. > As the > elevator flew upwards, CROW: Wow, jet propelled! > he fired the anti-matter pistol into the > elevator control panel, TOM: I never really wanted to be in an elevator during an antimatter explosion. > and when the elevator reached the top floor, > Karl stepped out, JOEL: Onto the bridge of the Enterprise. > hoping that the controls would disintegrate > properly, TOM: That's going to make it kind of hard to get back down quickly. > and not leave any of the important bits. JOEL: Or the naughty bits. > He looked at his > watch, which read: TOM: From "Goodbye, Moon." > > 00:10:42 CROW: This story's time-coded for freshness. JOEL: Want to take a break, guys? TOM: Can't come a moment too soon for me. CROW: It's time for the news anyway. [ JOEL picks up TOM; ALL leave. ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL DESK. GYPSY and JOEL are sitting behind the desk. JOEL has several pieces of multicolored paper in front of him; GYPSY is wearing glasses and earrings. Two tabloid newspapers, a fax, and two broadsheet newspapers are to JOEL's side. CAMBOT is playing a telex-type sound effect. ] JOEL: Good morning from the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson. GYPSY: And I'm Gypsy, and this is Mobian News Now. Our top story this morning: confusion reigns as the "72 Hours" party fractures in its efforts to destroy the universe. JOEL: Observers were shocked this week when "72 Hours" founder Jade Tramer, one of the many unsuccessful claimants to the lead villain position founded by Doctor Robotnik, turned her back on the evil machine whose construction she initiated in order to align with the forces of good. GYPSY: Jade's former bodymates Maxl Tramer and Tracker Boyd issued this statement. [ CROW, holding a piece of paper in his hand pops up, behind GYPSY and JOEL. He reads carefully from it. ] CROW: "We believe this will send a message to those trying to destroy the world that they will have to try to destroy the world without Jade helping them try to destroy the world." GYPSY: [ As CROW ducks down. ] They then giggled and resumed watching "Scooby-Doo" while throwing Cheetos Paws at the screen. JOEL: Current head villain Peter Crotswurth, leading what remains of the fractured "72 Hours" party, offered this in an interview to air on this week's PrimeTime Thursday. [ CROW, with a quick wrapping of aluminum foil over his arm, stands up while CAMBOT zooms in closely on him. JOEL ducks out of the way. ] CROW: [ As Crotswurth; likely using comically deep voice. ] While I would have preferred to destroy the universe and then turn my attention to destroying Jade, I feel confident I'll be able to destroy her first, and then the universe. Or vice versa. I'm sure that the voters will see our platform for universal destruction to be the best, and our success will show all our sincerity. Oh, and, uh, my son wants me to say you're all boogerheads, and throw an egg at the camera. [ CROW turns, looking off camera where JOEL was ] CROW: What? What? You want -- oh, I see. Well, you have to give me one first-- [ CROW is hit by a raw egg. ] CROW: Ahem. Thank you, and do remember, I will rule you all, like I already do, until I destroy you all, and... then I will still rule those of you who aren't destroyed, which won't be any of you. Goodnight, and, uh, that Lovecraft demon whatever thing with the letters consume you. [ CROW ducks down again, as JOEL slips back into place and CAMBOT pans out to show both GYPSY and CROW again. ] JOEL: We'll have commentary on the collapse of "72 Hours" unity from George Watson later this morning. In weather, it'll be sunny and cooler, with a twenty percent chance of the universe being torn asunder, depending on the success of Crotswurth's evil plans. The Mobian Temperature Index is 883 degrees Fahrenheit, 473 Celsius. Turning now to sports -- GYPSY: In sports today, the SwatBots beat the SwatBots seven to three; the SwatBots pulled out a narrow upset over the SwatBots, ten to nine; the SwatBots almost beat the SwatBots, but lost by a score of three-nothing; and Scratch and Grounder were dragged into the street and kicked for hours. JOEL: Now, we like to take this time to look at the headlines for tomorrow morning, and as you might expect, destroying the universe is right up top of almost all of them. Here's the cover for tomorrow's Mobius Daily News... [ JOEL takes out a tabloid-style newspaper. Headline: JADE TO CROTS: DROP DEAD! Above-the-banner headline: NEW PETITIONS AGAINST TAX ] JOEL: See, there, Jade to Crots: Drop Dead. GYPSY: This is interesting because in the Mobius Post... [ JOEL takes out another tabloid newspaper. Headline: CROTS TO YOU: DROP DEAD! Above-the-banner headline: NEW PETITIONS AGAINST TAX ] GYPSY: Crots to you: Drop dead. JOEL: How about that? Things look a little different to the Knothole Globe and Mail... [ JOEL takes out a fax of a newspaper cover. Headline: JADE BREAKS FROM CROTSWURTH; DEATH OF UNIVERSE QUESTIONABLE Subheadline: NEW PETITIONS AGAINST TAX ] JOEL: They lead with Jade, and wonder about how this will affect whether we have a future. GYPSY: They're so polite down there. Here's an interesting one from Crotswurth's hometown of Bennington, Vermont -- the Bennington Banner. [ JOEL takes out a broadsheet newspaper. Headline: LOCAL BOY TO DESTROY UNIVERSE Subheadline: NEW PETITIONS AGAINST TAX ] GYPSY: You know what they say about small-town newspapers. Local boy to destroy universe. JOEL: I bet they're really proud of him down there. And, of course, almost no story captures the front page of *every* newspaper. From this morning's Hidden Palace World-Telegram and Sun: [ JOEL takes out a broadsheet newspaper. Headline: CAST OF "FRIENDS" STILL FRIENDS OFF-SCREEN Subheadline: NEW PETITIONS AGAINST TAX ] GYPSY: Thanks for staying up with us. JOEL: You've been good to us, and now, we give you, our polka. [ Lights dim; CAMBOT pulls away from the desk. TOM, holding an accordion in his hands, pops up, lit by a spotlight. ] TOM: Universal destruction got you down? Come on, let's polka! [ As the music starts, JOEL and GYPSY and CROW begin dancing. ] TOM: Parlor tricks and silly lines! Superheroes with kids' minds! That's the Mobian News Polka! Plots that drag out way too slow! People you don't want to know! That's the Mobian News Polka! Video game-based T.V. shows have gotten out of hand! Didn't we learn that back when Christmastime came to Pac-Land? Superpowers, lucky breaks, Narratives with no great shakes! That's the Mobian News Polka! TOM: [ Spoken ] Everybody! [ Brief instrumental segment ] TOM: [ Spoken ] Now people who gave up after Atari bit it! [ Similar instrumental segment ] TOM: [ Singing again ] That's the Mobian News Polka! Who cares what the bit parts like the real characters do? The point's to make the author look so much better than you! Don't trip in that plot hole; It's just Packbell on the dole! Do the Mobian News Polka! Do the Mobian News Polka! [ SOUND EFFECT: Coin being tossed into a cup. ] [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. JOEL taps it. ] TOM: Gee, thanks, Mister Q-Bert! [ COMMERCIAL BREAK. ] [ ALL file into the theater. ] CROW: That was hard. TOM: Did we sound weird doing that? I think we sounded weird. > > As he stepped towards the only computer jack in the room, JOEL: He disguised himself as a computer jill, to get a pail of computer water. > he > took out his Matrix interface from his coat, TOM: That's just his garage door opener. > and put it in the jack. JOEL: No, that's the electic socket! Aaaaah! > He grabbed some headgear CROW: A helmet, safety glasses, hearing aid and a plunger. > from the shelf above the jack, TOM: That's one weird first aid kit. > and put it on > his head. JOEL: Then he looked at himself in the mirror and felt embarassed. > Then he hit the on key on the interface, ALL: [ Buzzing, popping, cracking noises ] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH! TOM: Owie! Owie! Ow! Owie! It's burning my eyes! JOEL: My ears are on fire! My ears are on fire! CROW: Whaaah! Whaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaugh! > and the world of > cyberspace floated before him. CROW: That's not the world of cyberspace floating there, it's just a ship in a bottle. > > Now, cyberspace isn't a very attractive place, TOM: Not since the Homeowner's Association started making rules. > in fact, it's a > flat, featureless grid of information, JOEL: Much like this story. > but if you knew how to use it > well, CROW: You could get water. > you could set off a chain reaction TOM: Of copies of 'Make Money Fast,' get-well cards for Craig Shergold, and lawyer jokes. > that would blow up an entire > complex. JOEL: It's not all that complex. > Karl didn't know how to do this, TOM: But he never let that stop him. > but he was pretty damn good CROW: That's pretty *darned* good. > with cyberspace anyway. TOM: That just means he knows how to find Google. > He asked for a search for ICE, CROW: What, he needs to cool his rum and Coca-Cola? > and found > three of them in his grid area. JOEL: I shouldn't have run all those tank programs. > He hit a key on his keyboard, [ TOM starts singing a "salsa music" background. JOEL follows with a couple synthesizer notes, no particular melody. ] > and at > the top right corner of the screen was printed: CROW: "Stop messing around, you silly, silly man." > > 5:00 UNTIL ICE DISINTEGRATION JOEL: So, is that minutes or hours? > > Karl took the set off his head, CROW: "Man, that felt goofy!" > and took out his CB radio. TOM: [ Snorting ] Loser! > He > plugged in Tracker's frequency, JOEL: He got it from Kenneth. > and said "We have about four minutes CROW: And then we've got a minute after that. > 'til ICE disintegration. TOM: Couldn't he just have destroyed the ICE right away? > Move out." JOEL: Autobots, transform and roll out! > > "Ten-four," came Tracker's voice. TOM: They make themselves sound so very cool. > > Karl shut off the radio, CROW: You're gonna miss the end of "Rambling with Gambling." > and smashed out the window of the > tower. JOEL: Now he's just vandalizing the place. > I hope that pond is deep, he thought, TOM: Most goldfish ponds are a mile or two deep. > looking into a pond that > was right out his window, CROW: Is it on the ground or is it just on the landing one floor down? > I sure as hell hope it's deep. > > And with that final thought, he threw himself out the window, TOM: SCTV is on the air! > hoping that the water was soft today. CROW: Would it have hurt that much to take the elevator down too? > > Water sprayed up from the pond, JOEL: He's lucky they planted Old Faithful outside the Evil Trade Center. > and Tracker began to run > towards the right tower, CROW: And then he realizes he jumped out of the wrong tower! TOM: Whoops! > but was stopped by a somewhat elderly raccoon > that had wandered into his path. JOEL: Bookshire gets hopelessly lost looking for the breakfast cereal aisle in the supermarket. > The raccoon screamed, CROW: Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the horizon. > and Tracker > halted in front of his face. TOM: Advance and get punched in the nose! > > "Move it," said Tracker, CROW: I'm just trying to reach the Cracklin' Oat Bran! > reaching for the knife he had in his > belt, JOEL: Or the spoon he kept in his leg warmers. > "I don't wanna hurt you, Shire." > > "But I do," said a voice, TOM: So you two can trade off and everything'll be swell! > and a guard stepped out of the > bushes. CROW: I'm tired of you walking your dog over my apartment here. > Tracker grabbed his knife, and brandished it dramatically. JOEL: He's trying to do a Captain Kirk move there. > > The guard laughed, TOM: "I have heard of your Mobian 'moving it,' and it amuses me!" > and brought out a gun from his uniform. JOEL: Man, his uniform gets *all* the cool stuff. I don't get anything. > He > fired into the dirt near Tracker CROW: If you won't dance, I'll *make* you dance! > and said, "The next one goes right > through your head." JOEL: Unless it turns out you're like Jade and guns only dent you. > He cocked the gun and aimed at Tracker's head. TOM: I hope Tracker does that Bugs Bunny thing where he spins the barrel around and it shoots out the wrong end. > > "Put the gun down, Arrial." CROW: She's the Little Mermaid, and she's out for blood! > said a voice, "I shall deal with > the traitor personally." TOM: Uh-oh. I guess she's not forgiving Flounder for this one. > > The guard stepped back, JOEL: [ As the guard ] "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking." > put away his gun, and dropped to his > knees. TOM: He's getting ready for the benediction? > Crotswurth stepped forward, CROW: "Yes... now... you'll do what I say or get more of the same!" > wearing a flowing red cape, a > green shirt, and some khakis. JOEL: He was kind of going for a Superman look, but it didn't click. > > Tracker frowned and gave off a sound TOM: Bleah. CROW: Shouldn't have had that kielbasa and sourkraut for lunch, huh? > that might have been a > whimper. JOEL: This is how the story ends. > Crotswurth smiled and said, "As we speak, TOM: The last vestiges of the Galactic Republic are being swept away. > Karl has been > imprisoned. CROW: Unless he's already escaped. > I already have another guard on Jade, JOEL: And two guards on Jade, and another one on my Star Trek Barbie and Ken dolls. > she'll be in the > lab soon too. TOM: Everyone goes to the lab soon, if they know what's good for them. > Now move it, I don't wanna kill you, my good old pal." CROW: Now quick, I hate you, kiss me. > Tracker stepped forward JOEL: "I am Spartacus." TOM: "I'm Spartacus." CROW: "I am Spartacus." > and began to walk off, Crotswurth behind him. TOM: These Memorial Day parades aren't as good as they used to be. > > Karl hit the water. CROW: And the Russian judge gives him a 3.5... > As he flew deeper and deeper into the > pool, JOEL: Or into the *past*! > he felt something tugging him TOM: It was his inner child, begging to go to the bathroom. > towards the wall to the East. CROW: The East is nice anyway. I want to be there. > He > looked around and saw an airlock, JOEL: He's trying to break into "2001." > and began to pedal furiously CROW: Until he remembered he didn't have a bicycle. > to > reach the top of the pool, but to no avail. TOM: There was no top. He surfaced alive, well, and of normal size some eight thousand miles away. > After he was sucked into > the airlock, JOEL: Oh, no, that's the pool's cleaning filter, he's going to get mixed up with the wet leaves and dumped out the side. > he felt himself go numb from cold and some kind of gas CROW: And the guy whacking him on the head with a frying pan. > that was seeping into the somehow dry chamber. JOEL: I think Richie Rich used this as a secret getaway path one time. > And then he collapsed > to the floor, TOM: The floor is two-timing Jade? > hoping that the ICE controlled all of these functions... CROW: So, each of the characters does one thing, and then passes out from his injuries? JOEL: Good thing we have a big cast. > > > > > 3236 TOM: Do you know where your evildoers are? > > Mobius JOEL: That pins it down. > > Chapter 5 CROW: Why doesn't this chapter get its little divider lines too? > > Drunken Stupor JOEL: Now we're looking at some wacky comedy. > > BoB had passed out TOM: And more Moo Goo Gai Pan! > from drinking too much beer and fake wine. CROW: Overdosed on Zima. > Several others were passed out on the floor with him, JOEL: He must be at an engineering school. > and the other > people who were still conscious were having a brawl. TOM: They've wandered into the Star Trek bar. > > "Uggghhh..." said a man, falling to the floor. CROW: Now, are we going to see The Shooting of Dan McGoo? JOEL: [ As Droopy ] Hello, all you happy people. > The bartender > got fed up TOM: There has been plenty of this sort of thing already. > with what was going on and said, JOEL: [ Growling ] The drinks are on the house, boys. ALL: Hooraaaaay! > "Clean up all this puke > off the floor TOM: That's the sort of image we needed. > or I'm gonna bring out my Winchester rifle. CROW: Wouldn't a mop be more efficient? > Get > moving." > > Now there was only one person still conscious, TOM: And he just stood there bawling. > and he finally > passed out, CROW: Does that one person count the bartender? > probably from the two legs he was missing. TOM: Luckily, he had five other legs to use. > The bartender > scowled. CROW: I'm not moving from here for the rest of the picture. > "What have I, Arrial, done to deserve this?" JOEL: You traded your voice to the sea-witch Ursula for a pair of legs. > he demanded of > the bar. CROW: Hey, it's a bar exam. > The bar didn't answer, which was what Arrial expected. TOM: Now we've reached the wackiness of a new "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" book. > He > buffed the counter, JOEL: [ As the bartender ] "I like rubbing stuff too." > and brought out his Winchester. CROW: [ As David Ogden Stiers ] That's MAJOR Charles Emerson Winchester, the third... you cretin. > He shot the man > missing two legs through the chest, JOEL: It's just a flesh wound! > and even more blood sprayed over > the floor. CROW: Right, call it a draw, then? > > Arrial sighed, JOEL: "I miss Sebastian." > and went back to buffing the counter, TOM: Rub rub rub rub RUB RUB RUB oh MY that's WONderFUL! > knowing > that he was eventually going to have to clean up the floor. CROW: Or you could just lift the whole floor and turn it upside-down and put it back over top of itself so nobody knows. JOEL: No, that's how he cleaned it last time. > Eventually. > > Hedgehog X JOEL: Could not be here for this story. > ran even faster than he had before. CROW: Unfortunately, he had never run before. > He scowled, > wishing that he was at least semi-fast. TOM: He runs at the speed of one of those airport moving sidewalks. > The man was gaining on him, JOEL: And he was already falling well behind himself. > and Hedgehog X decided to finally use his superior intelligence TOM: Plus his phaser. > to > outwit this dumb beast. CROW: Be vewwy vewwy quiet... hehehehehehehehe. > He slowed down, and turned to face the man. JOEL: Hey! Are you followin' me? > The man ran closer, TOM: Oh, get ready, this is gonna be fun! > and right when he was about to impale HX CROW: It's the wacky side of being spindled! > on his > wicked-looking blades, HX ducked, ALL: Whoooops! > sending the man flying over him and > into a tree. TOM: See, it's fun, 'cause you know his skull imploded! > Then HX began running again, JOEL: And he's running, he's charging, he's at the forty... the thirty-nine... [ beat ] the thirty-eight... [ several beats ] thirty-seven... > hoping that the man > wouldn't have enough time to regain his bearings CROW: And so won't be able to keep the proletariat from demanding lasting justice. > and find out where he > had gone. TOM: And where he was going. > Arrial cursed as he threw another dead person into the > trash compactor, JOEL: Oh, I hope they have the Flintstones' trash compactors. TOM: Yeah, so it makes some wacky joke about having to swallow people. CROW: Eh, it's a living. > and then buffed the floor. TOM: One thing about this story, there's plenty of rubbing. > He scowled at the thought CROW: These thoughts are made for scowling. > of having to clean up. JOEL: Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar... > BoB finally got up off the floor TOM: And got stuck on the ceiling. > and walked > out of the bar CROW: Just as two blondes were walking into it. TOM: Yeah, the third one ducked. > just in time to see a man chasing a hedgehog run past > the doorway. JOEL: Well, there's something you don't see very day, Chauncy. TOM: What's that, Edgar? JOEL: Hedgehog and a man running down the street. TOM: Oh, I don't know, Edgar. Maybe it's just a small, fast parade. > > "No place to run, my dear HX!" yelled Crotswurth, JOEL: No place to hide. Break on through to the other side. > chasing > after the hedgehog. TOM: Waving his little hatchet and muttering about making lunch. > BoB stepped out in front of Crotswurth, CROW: And Jade stepped out in front of Bob, and Tracker stepped out in front of Jade, and they all fell down. > and > punched him in the face. TOM: I heartily endorse this scene. JOEL: All we need is some flying pies to make it really work. > Crotswurth flew backwards, CROW: [ Jerry Lewis voice ] Whoa whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa whoah! > and BoB brought > out a shotgun TOM: [ As David Ogden Steirs ] That's MAJOR Shotgun, to you -- [ JOEL touches TOM's shoulder. ] > and shot Crotswurth straight through the chest. CROW: But a frame by frame analysis finds a second gunman hiding in the grassy knoll behind the umbrella man and -- > > "No place for you to run either, JOEL: You have no place in track and field events. > Crotswurth," said BoB, and > then he walked off CROW: Doddering and forgetful, he soon gets lost and is never seen from again. > into the forest. TOM: And he walks into a pine tree. JOEL: BONK! TOM: And he walks into a Dutch elm. JOEL: BONK! TOM: And he walks into an oak. JOEL: BONK! TOM: And he walks into a rubber tree. JOEL: Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing! > > > CROW: So, is the story over, then? > TOM: You killed the bad guy, we can wrap it up. > 3241 JOEL: We're satisfied with this, you don't keed to wrap up any more plot points. > > Neo-Reality TOM: Hold on, this could be an epilogue, we could be lucky. > > Chapter 6 JOEL: We're not lucky. > > The Arrival of the Fittest TOM: The Carnival of the Flutist. CROW: The Inaugural of the Shortest. JOEL: The Reversal of the Modest. > > Neo-Maxl CROW: Neo-Geo Maxl. > stepped into the clearing, JOEL: And cleared into his stepping. > unaware that he was being > watched. TOM: Did you ever not have the feeling you was being... watched? > As he scanned the perimeter, CROW: Are you reading my thoughts? Stop reading my thoughts. Don't read my thoughts. > someone jumped on his back. JOEL: Dino! No! TOM: [ Barking ] Row row row row row row row row row row row! > > "You bastard," said a voice. CROW: You *Klingon* bastard! > "You've been the one TOM: You've been the po-weeeerrrrr! > giving me a > bad reputation JOEL: And a worse haircut! > around here!" TOM: Around here and up the stairs and down the ladder and back again. > > "Maxl," said Neo-Maxl with a sneer, CROW: That's actually a sninch, on loan from a Doctor Seuss fanfic. > wiggling his way out JOEL: The Maxls do their worm dance to celebrate the coming spring. > from > underneath his counterpart. CROW: Leaving hos counterpart to suddenly drop three feet. > "So, you've finally come." TOM: Will you stay for... tea? [ ALL laugh sinisterly ] > > Neo-Maxl took out a knife from his belt. JOEL: "I will have that delicious warm muffin now!" > Maxl did the same. CROW: "Yes, I too enjoy a delicious warm muffin!" > > "Let's see if you can fence with the best," said Neo-Maxl, JOEL: You've tried the rest, now try the best. > taking a slice at Maxl, TOM: I hope that's with tomatoes and black olives. > who jumped backwards, CROW: "A" button. > parried, JOEL: "C" button. > and lunged. TOM: "B" button while pushing forward. > > Neo-Maxl countered CROW: Backward and the "C" button. > and took a slash. JOEL: "B", "A", "B", and forward. > Maxl, instead of > parrying, CROW: Missed the "B" button. > ducked and slashed TOM: Down, forward, "A". > a Neo-Maxl's legs. JOEL: I hope that doesn't mean there's more than one Neo-Maxl. > There was a sickening > crack, TOM: As somebody sat on the Sega case. > and Neo-Maxl fell to the ground. JOEL: Up, "B", and down. > > Maxl brought out a gun CROW: Where do you suppose they get all these guns from? JOEL: They funnel them through fanfics with weak gun control laws. > and shot his counterpart in the head. TOM: And now the story's over. Right? Over? > > Unknown to him, JOEL: And irrelevant to the rest of us, > the fight had been observed CROW: It was on pay-per-view. > by some of > Crotswurth's guards... JOEL: And by "Chrissy," the Christmas Mouse. > who promptly subdued him. TOM: Hey, good timing, there. > > Crotswurth flinched. JOEL: Hey! CROW: No fair, you're dead! TOM: Bob killed you! No do-overs! > "Arrial," he said,"due to Maxl's > unfortunate demise, JOEL: And atrocious personal habits. > you are now captain of the guard, TOM: And lieutenant of the maids. > as well as my > personal servant." JOEL: So call Scuttle and set up your staff. > > "Yes, Crotswurth," said Arrial. CROW: And maybe, Prince Eric. > > "And now Arrial," TOM: And later, Urchin. > said Crotswurth, "I must tell you stories no > sane man should hear, JOEL: Hey, don't give my evil overlords ideas, OK? > for you, as my right hand man, CROW: Must stop just below my ulna. > must know of my > past. TOM: Otherwise I can seem kind of insensitive, you know? > > "But that is for later. For now, TOM: It'll be enough if you have a catchy theme song. > you must set one of my > prisoners free... CROW: We've got to have some free agent running around to screw up our plans later on. > you have total control over who you choose. ALL: Give us Barrabus! Barrabus! > I have > decided... TOM: I'll have the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity, but only if nobody giggles when I try to say it. > not to meddle with Willind CROW: Or those pesky kids and their nosey dog. > any more. So set one free, TOM: And if he returns he's ours forever -- if he doesn't, he was never ours to begin with. > but > keep the rest..." JOEL: This is a tough decision because whenever you set a prisoner free, you realize two days later you need him. CROW: [ As Crotswurth ] And make sure you return the unused portion for a full refund. > > "I will do so," TOM: [ Flatly ] And I'll be darned happy to do it. > said Arrial, and he went down to the dungeon. JOEL: He's going to check whether Richard the third had those two kids killed yet. > As he went down there, CROW: All the prisoners jumped up and yelled "Surprise!" > he thought that maybe, just maybe TOM: But mostly maybe. > what > Crotswurth was up to was nothing good... JOEL: Still, it's nice that Crotswurth gets a chance to be a villain after he died and all. > > Arrial dragged Maxl outside, TOM: It's good that Crotswurth let Arrial set free the one prisoner he wanted kept. > and propped him up against a > tree. CROW: Now... you can have one or the other, which do you want? > Maxl, still under the influence of a heavy sedative, JOEL: Concentrated Yoo hoo? > was > unconscious. TOM: And that's the way we like it. > Arrial left him there, JOEL: You know, if you leave your badger in a bad neighborhood he'll be stripped for parts by morning. > and headed back towards > Crotswurth's fortress... CROW: He needs to get back with the transformation cog so they can turn the fortress into a robot and fight off the Decepticons. > > Look for the next TOM: Same as the first! > > book in the > > 72 hours series JOEL: This isn't really good haiku. CROW: 72 whole hours of story, without anything happening. > soon under the title, JOEL: But somewhere before the closing disclaimer. > "Black Lights"! TOM: Big City! > > Yet another ridiculous novel JOEL: These are kind of short novels. > from Stephen Tramer, TOM: And his big-time wacky goofball festival of comedy. > creator and > co-author CROW: And a zany, koo-koo ker-splat of a guy. > of > > 'The Flyee Thing' JOEL: And this is something he brags about? > > DON'T LOOK FOR IT CROW: Wear a safety helmet and crouch in the southwest corner until it passes! > IN STORES AT ALL! TOM: Except model railroad stores, for some reason. > > [Editor's note: JOEL: Oh, just stop talking to us. > or anywhere, for that matter. CROW: Stephen looked out the window one day and discovered girls. > If we ever > finish it, TOM: Eat every last bit of fanfic on your plate, young man, before you even think of dessert. > we'll have to rewrite the future JOEL: And forget the past! > scenes because it'll > already be fifty years from now!] CROW: You figure when Stephen and Thad are, what, seventy years old they'll remember this and get to rewriting that story? > > > Black Lights TOM: How do you tell when a black light's bulb is out? > > Book 3 of the 72 HOURS TRILOGY JOEL: So we've got sixty-nine books to go? > > By Stephen Tramer CROW: Went right by him, completely over his head. > > Eddited =) by Thad Boyd ALL: [ Nervously ] Eh-heheh heh. Heh. Heh. Ha. TOM: Help us... > > Mature Content advisory JOEL: Without this the story would just be characters going "nanny nanny boo boo" and doing the "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!" thing all day. CROW: And these stories aren't? > > VIOLENCE-3 (A quick fight scene, nothing more.) > > PROFANITY-2 (The only expletive is synonymous with "Hades".) JOEL: Gehenna? TOM: Sheol? CROW: Tophet? TOM: Naraka? JOEL: Jahannan? CROW: Niflheim? > > SEX-0 CROW: Sex-o plex-o, vex-o. > (If you want sex, JOEL: What if you just want gender instead? > go to the 13-16 chatroom.) TOM: And hang out with the 47 year olds. > > [Editor's note: CROW: I think we all know where this one is going. > Uhhh, that wasn't an AOL reference, JOEL: But it plays one on TV. > was > it...?!] TOM: The story... may never know. > > OTHER-1 JOEL: One is the loneliest number. > (A really stereotypical Swedish accent is used.) CROW: As a can opener. > > [Editor's note: TOM: "I don't have any idea how an editor is supposed to improve a story!" > and Steve couldn't do it CROW: The master of the Movie Brooklyn voice couldn't handle Swedish chef too? > worth - remembers JOEL: I'm not the editor! I'm the new guy on the high school Chemistry Team! > the rating given for profanity; TOM: Box office success? > skips this word> JOEL: And the two thousand to follow it. > - so thank > me for it!] TOM: He does this sort of thing so we don't have to. > > Contents JOEL: It's a little late to start promising content now. > > Foreword/Legal Stuff CROW: Wallflowers/Disclaimer. > > Chapter 1: Sven-Sven TOM: I think we've almost hit the zaniness of that Tweety Bird direct-to-video movie. > > Chapter 2: Rescue Anticlimax JOEL: Why, is it in trouble? > > Chapter 3: Crying Heavens CROW: Crying shame of heavens. > > Chapter 4: Final Assault JOEL: After the final assault there's only seventeen more chapters to go. > > Afterword TOM: After the word, they drove to the power station. There was nothing left of the world after the... Robot Holocaust. > > Foreword & Legal stuff CROW: And you can get that with two sausage and two bacon or four of either meat. > > I'm the psycho JOEL: Wasn't there a Wandering Psycho in this saga at one point? > who's been writing these stories, TOM: And giggling endlessly over every little jokelet. > and if you've > read The Hunt Begins, CROW: Coming soon from Tom Clancy. > you should have heard some stuff TOM: Oy, such stuff, you should have heard. > about me that > isn't true. JOEL: Other stuff you might just have assumed without being right. > First - I can be as serious CROW: As a really serious thing. That's serious. > as everyone else in this > world. TOM: Except Lorenzo Music. > Second - I'm not a comedian. ALL: We agree! JOEL: He's a harmonica specialist. > I'm just a tad disgruntled. CROW: Or maybe he's just a whole lot gruntled? > [Editor's note: TOM: "I think gruntled is a funny word, and I'm going to ask for extra gruntlement next time I'm at Burger King!" > And if you believe that, JOEL: You'll believe anything. > I've got some swampland in > Florida...] CROW: And its election returns still aren't in. TOM: Fifth - > Third - TOM: Oh, right. Third - > Crotswurth is of no relation to me, JOEL: Or to anyone else. We found him in a cabbage patch. > although he > has been influenced by CROW: What he sees on television. > total jerks I know JOEL: Just so you know guys, back on earth most jerks don't put forward elaborate and strange plans to destroy the universe. CROW: I'm glad you told us that. > and of course, he's also a > part of me. TOM: The gooey, squishy part. > That is, my good side. CROW: Oh, see, it's wacky, 'cause normally somebody would think it was his bad side. > Fourth - I am single and > desperate. JOEL: Fortunately, I have my objects to rub to keep me happy. > If you want to go out with me TOM: Are they really going out with him? > my num...wait a minute, CROW: I don't have nums! > this > isn't the personals section! JOEL: This section is cruel and heartless! > Thad lied to me! TOM: My dad isn't the Tooth Fairy! > [The editor ducks and CROW: Covers. > runs.] > > Now for flaming. JOEL: Heck, now for outright explosions. > Don't flame this story, TOM: You could start a forest fire. > because it's pretty > kewl. CROW: It's way past cool. > It's the epilogue to this series CROW: It's the epilogue to this series as we know it. > and the beginning of another TOM: At the end of the series is the beginning of venegence. > one (I hear you groaning already!). JOEL: We're not done groaning about this one. > If you flame, CROW: Blame! > just think about > how much money finding this story on the WWW or Prodigy costs. TOM: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense... huh? > [Editor's note: JOEL: "I like saying 'WWW' as 'wobbly.' Wobbly wobbly wobbly wobbly wobbly wobbly wobbly. Let me repeat that for half an hour now." > Ummmm, Steve...there are flat rates now. TOM: So put your money on a railroad track and smash it down flat. > It costs no > extra. CROW: But you see how it would've been silly to complain about the story back when you had to pay to read it. > Note to the readers: JOEL: Bow to your corners. > here's how you can tell how long a > story's been around TOM: Cut it in half and count its rings. > before I managed to find time to edit it. ;) ] CROW: And even then he had to be trapped in outer space and forced to read it. > > Now here's the legal stuff. JOEL: Now here's the illegal stuff. CROW: Now here's the immoral stuff. TOM: And now here's the lime-cherry stuff. > No copying this story in any form CROW: Unless you're a Wonder Twin and take on the form of an ice rocket. > other than that in which it is presented, TOM: Include the lace doilies. > and don't use it to make any > money JOEL: Except as part of a bar bet. > or I'll make sure you go to hell TOM: I think that exceeds his actual authority, there. > or that your soul gets eaten by > Yog-Shoggoth. CROW: Or his goofy twin. > All of the characters in this story were either created JOEL: Or were tragic accidents. > by SEGA, Archie Comics, TOM: The Warner Brothers studio store, CROW: The Children's Television Workshop, JOEL: The Jam Handy studios, > or my deranged mind with the following > exceptions (alphabetical by character's first name). CROW: Yeah, the characters listed below were instead created by his whimsical shins. > > ANT 100 - Anthony Testa JOEL: And PRO 50. CROW: LD-50, anyway. > Hedgehog X - Brent Roberts TOM: Last seen running badly and and rubbing stuff. > Sven-Sven - Sean Bailey CROW: How many different stories do you think Sven-Sven is in? > Jade - Thad Boyd & Stephen Tramer JOEL: Jade and the Smellograms. > Willind - Thad Boyd TOM: Insist it's a name all you want, I still say it's a typo. > > [Editor's note: CROW: "It'd be hilarious if we switched shoelaces and bubble gum! Let's do it right now!" > Anthony Testa is a poor excuse TOM: For being late with your homework. > for a human > being. JOEL: But he makes a nifty Denebian night-monster. > After his continual flaming of Sonic CROW: He wasn't flaming, he just wanted Sonic cajun style. > and his smugness > thereafter, TOM: And that is the only unforgiveable sin in the world. > Kevin Faulk was forced to remove him from Sonic '94... JOEL: You haven't seen this kind of intrigue since medieval Europe. > I > tried to keep the character around, TOM: But we wriggled too much. > realized it wasn't worth it, CROW: And sat in the corner, wimpering all day. > and > now he's returned JOEL: In a role that will surprise you. > in a much more appropriate form... TOM: He's wrapped himself in a see-through statement of depreciation of interest. > should you want to > send any flames to Mr. Testa, his addy is JOEL: Hey, I don't think we need that kind of trouble here. > [ Bleep ].] JOEL: Thank you. > > This work is entirely fictitious, TOM: You only imagine its pain. > and any semblance to any > real events CROW: Or fun stories. > or people JOEL: Or states of being. TOM: Or party favors. > (with the obvious exception of Anthony Testa) CROW: Inventor of the Testa coil. > is > purely coincidental. JOEL: But happily accepted. > > > > AD 3241 CROW: And then subtract 1203. > > Neo-Reality JOEL: Your New Realtors, working for you. > > Chapter 1 > > Sven-Sven > TOM: Wait, you forgot the rest of your sentence. > Maxl woke up CROW: It was all a dream? > in a small room. JOEL: See, in Silicon Valley, a room this size is seven thousand bucks a month, plus utilities. TOM: And that's before you clean out the badgers. > He was somewhat dazed, CROW: Leaving him a lot more level-headed than usual. > and all > he remembered about the past few hours TOM: ...was his hangover and this feeling he'd done something horrible with the washing machine. > was that Arrial had set him > free, JOEL: And he felt his homing instinct calling, now. > and someone had carried him here... TOM: And now he was in love. > > "So, you're awake," said a voice. CROW: "No, I'm a badger." > > Maxl opened his eyes, TOM: For a Mobian's eyes that could take weeks. > and quickly covered them again, as the > room was filled with a blinding light. JOEL: Outside, the sun was going nova. Whoops! > Maxl groaned TOM: His mizzenmast is falling apart under the storm. > and also covered > his eyes with his hands. CROW: Then he started gouging his eyes out. Settle things for good. > There was a chuckle, TOM: They were heartily amused. > and Maxl heard the > voice again. JOEL: "I saw you in the bathroom, Maxl." > > "Time CROW: Is on our side. > is not something expendable, Maxl. TOM: Unless you have a *time* *machine*, right? > You only have > fifteen hours left CROW: You must destroy twenty-seven Klingon ships to save the Federation. You have two starbases and forty photon torpedoes. > before the time-space coordinates you are in > collapse." TOM: You probably won't want to be there. > > "Huh?" said Maxl, "What?" JOEL: He's doing Vinny Barbarino. TOM: Where? Which? Who? > > "The time machine you came in CROW: Excuse me, the one you will have come in, two days ago when you go back into the future from here. > can only hold something's > space-time continuum pattern in place for seventy-two hours. TOM: Longer, if you leave a deposit. > Hence > the name of the machine. JOEL: So that's why they called it 'The Time Machine You Go In That Can Only Hold Your Space-Time Continuum Pattern In Place For Seventy-Two Hours!" It seems so obvious now! > And that number you saw a bit earlier, CROW: Count out that many cards and turn the next one over. > I > believe the number was sixty-two, TOM: That's a good number. Clean teeth. Healthy attitude. > was the number of hours you have > left. JOEL: And see this, where you're on ball number two? That means you can drain one and still not be done with the game. > The machine emits a microwave signal CROW: So that the kitchen appliances will know when to revolt. > tuned to a special > frequency JOEL: That only dogs can hear. > so all microwave dishes can intercept it." TOM: You know, like canned soup and Hungry Man macaroni and cheese and stuff. > > "How long ago was that?" asked Maxl. JOEL: Next Tuesday at about eight. > "About forty-seven hours > ago." CROW: You've been asleep nearly fifteen minutes. > said the voice. Maxl groaned again, JOEL: Boy, it's really howling outside that badger. > and said, "This has to be > a dream... TOM: It's all so fabulous! > I've gotta wake up!" CROW: I'll be late for homeroom! > The chuckle came again. TOM: By Agatha Christie. > "This isn't a > dream; JOEL: Would a dream be able to offer you such a rich milk chocolatey taste? > whatever it is, it's real. TOM: Yeah, there's something to comfort us. Much as this story hurts us, Stephen Tramer has to live with the knowledge he wrote it. > Good luck on stopping > Crotswurth..." JOEL: Don't worry, Crotswurth's bound to feel that gaping hole in his chest any minute now. > > The light vanished. CROW: It's kind of funny that way. > Maxl opened his eyes TOM: Make sure you look only when it's too dark to see. > and uncovered them JOEL: This is how Mobians do peep shows, you know. > to find a figure CROW: And what a fine figure it was. > in wooden clogs and a somewhat old Germanic outfit. TOM: Boy, the way he's captured this picture for our heads. JOEL: I think this was one of the plots from "Josie and the Pussycats." Melodie was mistaken for a Dutch spy. > > "Hallo," he said, "I yam Sven-Sven. CROW: We've now hit the wackiness level of the Swedish Encheferizer web page. > Oond haw are you?" TOM: Hoorda cornda floornda hoonda mmm bork bork bork! > > "Huh? Say what? CROW: We're making meatballs and soda crackers? What? > Sven-Sven?" JOEL: Sven-Sven! The less successful song by the J. Geils band. > asked Maxl. The man nodded, TOM: And he threw the salt shaker over his head and knocked over a plate. > causing his green hat with a little feather in it CROW: Hey -- he's got a macaroni. > to slip down his > forehead. JOEL: His clothing's making a break for it! > Maxl giggled and said, TOM: That tickles! > "What kinda outfit is that?" CROW: He's passing the secret formula to Melodie. > > "Hey!" said Sven-Sven, "Stop zot JOEL: We've had enough zot for one day! You don't know how to use it right! > or I veel toorn you TOM: He will tour us? > into > meent yelly!" JOEL: That's great mint badger. > This made Maxl chuckle even more, TOM: It's not rubbing stuff, but I'll be amused anyway. > causing Sven-Sven to > scowl at him immensely. CROW: When Muppets Intimidate. > "Now cut zot oot!" he said, his face growing > red with rage. JOEL: He's burning up on reentry. > > Maxl laughed, TOM: It's so funny when people fly into apopletic fits! > and jumped out of the bed he was in. CROW: Whoa! Who turned on the electric, there? > He smiled > and said, "Sorry, JOEL: But are you Australian? You sound Australian. > you just don't look like the kind of guy TOM: You look like that other sort of guy. > who would > be able to destroy an entire universe!" CROW: Heck, you don't look like a guy who can get thrown out of a mall. > "I kahn destroy an eentire > yooniverse!" JOEL: Two, if they're small! > exclaimed Sven-Sven, "In fahct, TOM: I think he's trying to reach every accent. > Crotsvurss ordered me to > beyoold a doomsday device! CROW: And I'm highly impressionable! > Eet is called Crying Heavens." JOEL: I thought it was the Seventy-Two Hours? CROW: I thought it was The End of Innocence? > "So," TOM: A needle pulling thread. > said > Maxl, "it has begun." JOEL: Mobilize your troops. > > Sven-Sven frowned and said, "Vaht do yoo mean?" TOM: Which part of "It has begun" didn't you get? > > Maxl shook his had JOEL: He shook it so hard his 'e' dropped out. > and said, "Not enough time now. TOM: Let's just do stuff without ever knowing why. > I need > some transportation to Crotswurth's lair." JOEL: Can you direct me to the Transcontinental Railroad? > > Sven-Sven nodded and said, "I can loan you a vehicle." CROW: Let me for no reason help you undo the plans I worked hard for no reason to implement. > > > > 3241 > > Neo-Reality JOEL: So, right where we were before? > > Chapter 2 CROW: Good. I can't get enough Chapter Twos for my tastes. > > Rescue Anticlimax TOM: Rescue Anticlimax soon, she's in the Forbidden Zone! > > The hovercycle sped JOEL: It's gonna get a ticket for doing that. > through the trees, ripping up any foliage > in its path. CROW: Sending squirrels rebounding into the stratosphere... > Maxl was a little too short JOEL: And not very good. > for the cycle, so he was > bound to the machine TOM: That sort of injustice is what the Communists feed on. CROW: The poor machines. > only by his hands, JOEL: And his chin straps. > as he was a good two feet > above the seat. > > He swerved to avoid an upcoming tree, TOM: "That tree just jumped out in front of me!" > and then noticed JOEL: Hey, look, a raccoon! > the > tree that he was going to run into CROW: He's can't see the trees for all the forest. > if he did that, so he simply let go TOM: Yeah, leaping in a random direction at a high speed in the middle of a forest is a good thing to do. > of the handlebars on the bike. JOEL: And then he made us claim the bike fell out from under him. > The hovercycle flew into a tree, CROW: Then transferred in Detroit and flew on to Albany. > causing a nasty crater to be dug out TOM: By the expanding fireball. > in the middle of it. Maxl got > up, JOEL: From being thrown into the crater. > dusted himself off, CROW: Reattached his limbs, > and looked at his wrist TOM: He's checking on his freckles. > where his watch should > have been, CROW: If it wasn't too lazy. > and remembered that it had been pried off with a crowbar JOEL: This is why you should get Lojack on your timepieces. > three stories ago, but then it suddenly reappeared, TOM: It's a homing watch. > because the author > had realized that he had made a mistake. CROW: I'm beginning to doubt that this saga was tightly edited. > Suddenly, black clouds > covered the sky, TOM: With a tarp. Day called on account of rain. > as they do in any situation made up JOEL: You know, it's *making* up that's hard to do. > to increase > suspense. CROW: And make people turn on their car headlights. > > [Editor's note: JOEL: "It'd be a lot funnier if Christmas novelty songs were only sung in May! Let's start!" > Steve says he's only keeping this bit CROW: Until we make the payment. > as "a > monument to something I vow never to do again".] TOM: Unfortunately, what he vowed never to do again is drink a gallon of pop and swallow baking soda. > > Maxl headed towards the fortress JOEL: Hey, he's headed for Castle Greyskull. > of Crotswurth when it began > to rain. CROW: Aaaah! I'm melting, I'm melting... oh, what a world, what a world... > At first it was a light drizzle, TOM: Of cold cuts. > more like a mist than > anything else. JOEL: But combined with his new shampoo, he could hope to be foamy in no time. > As Maxl looked more closely at the droplets, TOM: He found two that were exactly alike. > he > noticed that they were black, and frowned. JOEL: It's very rare you have frowny faces on your raindrops. > As he neared the fortress, CROW: Is he gonna have to jump over turtles and koopas and stuff before he rescues the princess? > he could see searchlights flying over the ground. TOM: Aw, they're just seagulls holding candles. > Only these > searchlights JOEL: And the fabulous Tap Lights... > emitted an eerie black light that somehow was able to TOM: Make that bunny appear to glow green. > illuminate the ground in the overcast weather. CROW: This story bought into the metaphor, it's going to *use* the *whole* metaphor. > Maxl continuously > dodged the black lights TOM: If the black light touches him he's going to turn invisible. > while thinking of a plan to get inside. JOEL: Maybe that *door* would be a clue? > But, > of course, he had no idea just who Crotswurth's men were searching > for. TOM: He's somehow wandered into the search for D.B. Cooper. > Maxl eventually ran into somebody, CROW: It's just an extra. > knocking both Maxl and the > person to the ground. TOM: Somehow Maxl missed the ground. > "Huh?" said Maxl, "Get outta my way!" JOEL: Get outta my sky! > > The man got up and began to shove Maxl CROW: Hey, if you don't stop shoving we're going to turn this story around and go back home. > back into the forest. > When both were safely in the forest, TOM: Is there anything *but* forest in this story? > the man decided to say something. JOEL: Plastics. > "It's me," he said, CROW: Myself. And I. > "Arrial. I just set Jade, Tracker and Karl free." TOM: Now they're jumping on the living room furniture, spilling soda and junk food, and playing the music way too loud. Get them out of here. > > "I know nobody by the name of Arrial!" said Maxl. JOEL: [ as Arrial ] "OK, what if my name's Eddie?" > > Arrial shrugged, CROW: He's got so much self-confidence he doesn't even care if he's in this story. > and walked back off into the area where the > searchlights were. TOM: He's getting ready for his first performance as Gypsy Rose Lee. > A moment later, Jade, Karl and Tracker came > stumbling through the underbrush. JOEL: They walked into each other, bonked their heads, and passed out. > > "Hey," said Karl, CROW: Let's be careful out there. > "what're you doing here? TOM: Do you have any idea what you're *doing*? Where is your *dignity*? > Aren't you > supposed to be dead?" JOEL: Well, yeah, but so are the rest of you and he doesn't whine about that. > > Maxl frowned and replied, "Stupid alternate selves." TOM: "Heck, my original isn't that sharp either." > > "Let's go somewhere where we can be appreciated!" said Jade. CROW: Oblivion it is! > Karl and Tracker nodded. JOEL: We endorse the concept of somewhere. > Maxl beckoned them and said, "Come with me, TOM: All who are weary and are mighty burdened. I shall give you rest. > I know a place." TOM: It's right next to that other place, but not as close to that spot. > > Then the four of them began JOEL: This band isn't quite the king's Musketeers. CROW: This band isn't quite Rocky and Bullwinkle's Mooseketeers. > to walk towards Sven-Sven's little > house... TOM: It's a gingerbread house. They're going to get eaten by a witch. > > > > 3241 > Neo-Reality JOEL: This is as opposed to the last chapter. > > Chapter 3 ALL: Where Chapters Dare. > Crying Heavens CROW: And remember, every time it rains, an angel cries. > > The machine looked a lot like a box. TOM: It even moved around the floor in the way that boxes don't. > In fact, it was an > ordinary, cube-like cardboard box. JOEL: And on the side, in crayon, was written "Transmogrifier." Maxl set the dial to "duckie." CROW: Hey, silent "E" turned that cub into a cube. > "This can destroy the universe?" TOM: Or, well, be used to ship a microwave oven. > asked Jade, "What a laugh! CROW: Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Heh. One of those laughs? > I've never been able to destroy anything > with corrugated cardboard before!" JOEL: Well, missy, you can do anything when you set your mind to it. > "Zeen maybe you vern't doing et > right," said Sven-Sven, TOM: Just write "Universe destroying bomb" on the side and press the button you drew on. > scowling at Jade. "Zees ez a combeenation of CROW: Vinegar and New Baking Soda -- now with Baking soda! > Shrodinga's Cat and the Catvlahp. JOEL: Plus the Catskills. TOM: And two parts Cat Stevens. JOEL: Use plenty of catgut. CROW: And a touch of catnip. JOEL: Plus some catfish. TOM: Don't overlook the catamaran. CROW: And a lovely catbrier. TOM: And you have to use this while it's on a catwalk. JOEL: This whole thing came together when he added the catalytic converter. > Zere eez a feefty-feefty chahnce of > ze poison being released... TOM: But there's no cat inside, so the whole box is silly. > and you kahn't open ze box, JOEL: It's got a two inch layer of packing tape on it. > or else ze > poison is released eenyvay. TOM: There's no reason for it, it's just fun! > Only three doors are represented as > times, JOEL: You pick one of 'em, and Monty Hall opens one of the other doors and there's a goat behind it. You want to switch to the remaining door? > and instead of poison, it causes a temporal bifurcation." CROW: What do you call a long series of words, all of which make sense by themselves, that assemble into total gibberish? JOEL: The scene where the science is explained. > > [Author's note: TOM: "There's such a word as 'fritillary!' I'm going to make that the basis for the next two hundred words! You can't stop me, so don't try! Ho ho ho!" > this is before I discovered the true purpose > of Schroedinger's cat. JOEL: Back before I discovered that science words mean stuff. > Please don't kill me.] TOM: Only if you pay us the same courtesy. > > "Nice," said Karl, "so, when does it go off?" CROW: Should be right after the Fourth of July fireworks start. > > "Veeneva Crotsvurss vahnts et to," said Sven-Sven. JOEL: Zees haz been a Filmvays prezentation, daahlinks. > > Maxl frowned and said, "Destroy the machine." TOM: I wanna make it our impregnable fortress now. > > "I kahn't," said Sven-Sven. CROW: Calvin has to time travel back to the dinosaurs. > "Ef I open ze wroang time, JOEL: They might be in the bathroom, and that'd be embarassing. > ze > paradoax appens!" TOM: And Calvin's babysitter will send him to his room. > "Has Crotswurth set it yet?" asked Tracker. CROW: It can't be set, the clock is still blinking 12:00. > > Sven-Sven shook his head and said, JOEL: [ Singing ] "I'm gonna wash that grey right outta my hair!" > "No, so I can use zee > defaults." TOM: You know, like your name's 'Average N. Example' and your address is '1234 Fifth Street,' and your social security number is '123-45-6789.' > "Where do we go then?" asked Maxl. CROW: We're going to Jason's Furniture, Route 35 in Neptune, where everybody goes to buy furniture! > "Zaht ez ze problem," TOM: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind... no, wait, it's not. > said Sven-Sven. "Ef you go to zee right time, Crying Heavens veel be > set, JOEL: Its mind is almost made up already. > so you kahn't stop et." CROW: That'd be rude. > "Devious," said Maxl. TOM: And completely nonsensical at that. > "So, how do we > stop it then?" JOEL: Gee, if you only had a time machine of some kind that would let you go back to before Sven-Sven started building it, and told him to stop. > "By destroying Crotsvurss before he sets et TOM: You know, like by blowing a great big hole through his chest. > and zeen > going to ze default time to stop Crying Heavens," said Sven-Sven. CROW: Sven-Sven's got kind of a Swedish Chef/Inspector Clouseau/Krazy Kat accent in the works, here. > > [Author's note: TOM: "Wouldn't it be funny if cars were driven from an observation post five feet above the roof? That'd be neato bandito!" > Am I sounding like Galahger here? JOEL: No, but you've really captured the voice of Carrot Top. > This makes > no sense. Please hit me. TOM: Just come a little closer, you. > Ow!] CROW: Hey, you don't have to be so hard on the guy. JOEL: Yeah, he's only trying to share. TOM: What, now you're picking on *me* all of a sudden? > > [Editor's note: CROW: "The NBA would be better if basketballs were explosive. Boom boom boom." > No, you don't sound a thing like Galahger. JOEL: A little like Galluraga, though. > Perhaps Gallagher, CROW: Perhaps Gulliver. JOEL: Or Gibraltar. > but not Galahger.] TOM: Maybe Gilligan. JOEL: There you go picking on him again. TOM: Hey, he hurt all of us! > CROW: That's no reason to get snotty, Tom. JOEL: Show some compassion. TOM: You're just -- you're! -- you're *cheating*! > "Then I have no choice," said Maxl, JOEL: We'll have to get married. > "I have to fight him. CROW: There's no other way the Rebel Alliance will be able to destroy the Death Star. > And > it won't be fun or easy." TOM: With luck, it might just be pine-scented. CROW: You're mean, Tom, you know that? > > "Agreed," said Tracker. "You're gonna need help." JOEL: Here's a flyswatter and here's a banana. That should be plenty for you. > > "Help," said Maxl, "is something that I won't need any of. CROW: Of which I won't need any. > I > can do this on my own." TOM: Trust me, despite the complete lack of evidence so far. JOEL: Boy, you don't know when to stop, do you? > > "You're a stubborn fool!" said Tracker, sneering. TOM: Me? CROW: Yeah, you. > > Maxl smiled and said, "Hey, when was the last time I was > wrong?" JOEL: Are you counting times you were unconscious due to blood loss? > TOM: OK, what's the problem here? We're reading the same story, aren't we? JOEL: Yeah, but we're not taking it personally, Tom. > TOM: I'm not either! You do the same thing! > TOM: Why are you doing this to me? > 3241 TOM: Answer me! > > Neo-reality CROW: Well... > JOEL: Hey, we gotta have fun too, you know. > Chapter 4 > TOM: Oh, you guys -- you knuckleballs. > Final Assault > JOEL: [ Putting his arms around CROW and TOM ] I love you two. > Maxl ran through the forest, ALL: [ Singing ] Tra lala la la la la, la la la, traa la la! Tra la la, la la la la, la la lala la! > hoping the searchlights weren't > operational. CROW: And if they were operational, maybe they'd just be silly. > They weren't, and Maxl was glad about it. JOEL: This way, he could bonk his head on every single tree. > > As he headed towards Crotswurth's fortress, TOM: Stopping only at the Modena service plaza, for pinball and soda. > he wondered what > fate was going to befall him. CROW: He dearly hoped it wouldn't involve wedgies. > Was he going to live... JOEL: Would he find a decent pad? > or was he going > to take his foe with him to hell? TOM: Would there be a layover in Detroit? > "Only one way to find out," CROW: Look ahead in the story and see what's going to happen. > said > Maxl to himself, JOEL: He likes talking aloud because that way he can hear a friendly voice. > and opened the door to the fortress. TOM: Luckily he knew where the kitchen entrance was. > As he stepped > inside, JOEL: Onto the trap door. TOM: AAAaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... > he heard a voice ring out around him. CROW: Bell-Man! You're here to save the day! > > "You have come for me," said the voice, TOM: Peekaboo. > "and for that, you > shall die!" JOEL: That's your generic bad guy line of dialogue. > > Crotswurth walked down a set of steps TOM: The set of all steps not steps of their own set. > to Maxl's left and said, CROW: Woof! Woof woof woof! ... wait, that's my dog's line. > "I have been waiting for this day, Willind. JOEL: I delight in Tuesdays. > I always knew that this > would be my greatest triumph! CROW: Once my "Combs throughout history" collection bombed out. > The experiment was a success, JOEL: But the patient died anyway. > and I > have awakened Yog-Shoggoth once more! CROW: Ah, so Stephen Tramer just turned 15, huh? > Have a taste of my power!" JOEL: With mayonaise and pepper! And honey mustard sauce! > > Maxl was quickly engulfed by flames, screamed in agony. TOM: If Maxl had gone straight to the police, this would never have happened. > > Crotswurth laughed and said, CROW: "I'm sorry, I just thought of today's 'Ziggy.'" > "You are an insect compared to > me! JOEL: 'Course, I'm not all that much compared to your basic Don Messick, but there's still a scale there. > Your life and efforts mean nothing! TOM: But your web site will survive past the apocalypse! > You are exactly like that > fool Darwin!" CROW: Now, get back to SeaQuest, and be quick about it! > > He laughed again, TOM: "'Marvin' was a hoot too!" > and the flames abated. JOEL: People mocked Maxl when he said he was getting a sprinkler system installed in his chin. Who'll be laughing now? > Maxl was bleeding > from several spots all over his body, CROW: Fire usually causes puncture wounds. > but he was still alive. TOM: Oh... wait... no. Sorry. We're too late. > "I > shall take you to hell with me, if it comes down to it!" yelled Maxl. CROW: And if it doesn't come down to it... you can go there by yourself! JOEL: That'd be a good chance for him to maybe meet Polonious. > > Crotswurth laughed TOM: Still, it's good to see somebody who enjoys his work. > and said, "This is the only hell there is! CROW: For those playing along at home, this is a good chance to talk about Kathie Lee Gifford. > This hell I have created here!" > > Maxl scowled, TOM: [ As Maxl ] "Is there somebody talking over there?" > then yelped in pain as a searing cold JOEL: Ice cream headache! CROW, TOM: Ooow! > ripped > through his body. TOM: And setting off snow showers across the entire midwest. > Crotswurth laughed again, CROW: "I just got the joke about the ten inch pianist!" > and said, "You haven't > even had a taste TOM: Of the Rockies. > of the Black Lights yet, either!" JOEL: Please, take, eat, we have so much this year. > > Two grayish lights ripped through Maxl, CROW: How do you have a gray light? > and he finally fell to > the ground, TOM: "I want to know what Jade sees in you, floor!" > seemingly dead. JOEL: But really just shy. > > Crotswurth walked up to Maxl and kicked him. CROW: That's not how you put up a badger's kickstand. > That was when > Maxl suddenly jumped up JOEL: He jumps and he wins the tipoff and he passes to Nate Branch who turns into puddle and makes a tidal wave and makes the basket! > off the floor and struck at Crotswurth with > his claws. TOM: And Crotswurth throws a pie in his face. > There was the sound of a hard substance CROW: Like a coconut, or a VW alternator. > ripping against > metal, TOM: Ripping against Metal Men. > and Maxl yelled in pain as one of his claws broke in half. JOEL: "I broke a nail!" > > Crotswurth laughed and said, "I forgot to tell you TOM: The dry cleaners called, they're waiting for you. > that while > I was trying to get all the Gems of Power, CROW: I ran into those guys trying to retrieve the Dragonballs. Funny world, huh? > Hedgehog X ripped me up > pretty good! JOEL: He knew just what to say to rile my temper! > I had to replace most of my body with steel limbs!" TOM: Actually, the first time through I replaced it with straw limbs, but that blew away, and then I tried it with stick limbs, but they blew away too. JOEL: You know, if he replaced most of his body with steel limbs, wouldn't he have arms growing out of his kidney and stuff? > > Another searing beam of black light CROW: The disco is attacking them! > ripped through Maxl, and > he crumpled to the ground. TOM: He's a very effective hero. > Crotswurth laughed, JOEL: "Oh! What's a *henweigh*! Now I get it!" > and then suddenly > crumpled to the ground CROW: He suddenly remembered he needed to do a Benediction. > screaming "The Crying Heavens are coming for > me!" TOM: That's not a very relaxing mantra. > Slowly, a dome began to form around Crotswurth, JOEL: Moon-star of Limbo! Give me the might, the muscle, the menace of Mon-Star! > and when was > complete, TOM: Back when complete really meant something. > a blue ray of light shot out of it, and headed towards Maxl. CROW: Oh no! A deadly stream of mouthwash! > > Crotswurth screamed in agony and pain JOEL: If you're going to scream, you might as well do it right. > as Maxl's wounds began > to mend themselves much quicker then they normally would, TOM: As the author, gradually, forgot about them. > and finally, > the light abated. CROW: Beam-down complete, Captain. > > "Hmm," said Crotswurth, "you're stronger than I thought. JOEL: But my army of Soggies will squoosh you yet! > Arrial, get COCKROACH 100 in here!" TOM: And then mow the kelp beds, young missy, you've put off your chores long enough! > > Moments later, CROW: In the same room, across town. > something that looked exactly like ANT 100 JOEL: Except for being painted like Air Force One. > entered the room. > > "This was ANT 100," TOM: And this, was new ANT 125. Can you taste the difference? > said Crotswurth, "but I turned it into the > ultimate fighting machine! CROW: It's a Nintendo that punches you back. > COCKROACH 100! It's exactly the same, I > just totally remodeled it! TOM: There's not a difference to be found, but it's a complete change! > New wiring, new outer shell, new > everything! JOEL: New rust-preventative layer! CROW: New rack-and-pinion steering! TOM: New episodes of Droopy and Son, Detectives! CROW: New cable networks coming into existence by the hour! TOM: New and more powerful species of cheese! JOEL: A virtual revolution in revolutionary virtuality! CROW: The edible furniture you'd only dreamed of before! > > "COCKROACH 100, kill!" TOM: [ As Maxl ] "Go back, Tobor! Go back!" > > COCKROACH 100 moved towards Maxl, CROW: [ As COCKROACH 100 ] "Time for go to bed!" > and Maxl simply touched it > and watched it crumble to tiny shreds of stucco. TOM: Everything you touch you destroy! JOEL: See, stucco is a wacky thing to make a robot out of. CROW: It is? > > Crotswurth was infuriated, TOM: He'd been building that robot in fifth period Art all *quarter*! > and that > evilish-sadistic-kinda-sorta music began to play in the background. JOEL: Now we've reached the exact wackiness of "Sheep in the Big City." > > "Cut the music!" screamed Crotswurth. CROW: Everyone wants ta get into the act! > He frowned and said, > "Don't think you won this one, TOM: "Don't even try following the action!" > I'll be back and ready to kick some > [ bleep ]!" JOEL: The word that was bleeped out? "Patootie." TOM: Oooooh. > > "That's what you think!" said a voice, JOEL: "You forgot about the me from the future who came to the past to get back into the future and capture you all!" > and Arrial leaped down > from the rafters on the ceiling TOM: That's a good leap for somebody with fins. > and quickly sliced Crotswurth's skull > in half. JOEL: Crotswurth seemed strangely to take this personally. > There was a sickening crack, and Maxl leaped backwards. CROW: [ Shaking his head ] He tampered in God's domain. > > Arrial threw the blade across the room TOM: [ Writhin ] Aaaaah! You stabbed me! > and said, "I figured > out about Crying Heavens, JOEL: And I sure wasn't going to stick around for a story about *that*. > and devised a sword that could slice through > metal." CROW: And it's available for only $19.95 plus $3.95 shipping and handling from the Ginsu corporation, order today! > > "Ingenious. TOM: You've made me completely irrelevant to the plot. > Now, do I get to go home?" said Maxl. JOEL: No, while you were away your parents moved and didn't say where. > > > CROW: I like this part. > Afterword > > This story was short. JOEL: That's why you never see it picked for basketball teams. > In fact, it was a short story. CROW: Visitors have to duck their heads down or they bonk their heads. > I'm > being redundant redundant. JOEL: The word you want is "unnecessary." > Anyway, this story was completed [ ALL cheer. ] > [Editor's > note: I don't think "completed" is the right word...] TOM: Halted under threat of court action, maybe? > in February of > '96, CROW: Which century? > and now it is finally being published, JOEL: Despite all common sense. > thanks to a large stick. TOM: I didn't think Teddy Roosevelt cared so strongly about Sonic fan fiction. > [Editor's note: CROW: "Hair brushes and hare brushes would actually do kind of the same thing!" > Ow! Cut it out JOEL: Or I'm telling mom! > or I won't upload it!] CROW: And that would ruin your shot at the Nobel Prize for fan fiction! > > Now I have to plug my upcoming story, TOM: Into the electric socket. > The War (current title. JOEL: But I'm thinking of merging it with my other story, The Peace. > Maybe I can change it CROW: If only I had the ability to alter the contents of my stories before publishing them. > if my brain starts to work [yeah, right...]). JOEL: Tragically, he checked the International Sonic Fiction Database and found "The War" was already in use. TOM: Yeah, he had to change the title to "Smoked Meat and Fishies." > If you can't figure out what it's about from the title, CROW: Maybe you can read the Cliff Notes instead. > you probably > have A.) no brain or B.) a non-working brain. JOEL: But if you have a) tea and b) no tea at the same time, you are highly intelligent. > > I can't say anything else. TOM: They finally got the gag over my mouth. > Now leave me alone. CROW: Or I shall write for you again. > Or, if you > don't want to leave me alone, JOEL: We could get together and trade story writing tips. > just mail me at maxl@bslnet.com. TOM: Maxl at The Bacon Static Lock Network! > All > flames will be ignored CROW: And vice versa. > /laughed at JOEL: Laughed *with*, not *at*. > /sent to [ bleep ] CROW: I think you're right, Tom, that's outside Stephen's authority. > /printed, put > in my 'things to light on fire folder', TOM: He has to keep buying new folders. > and burned the next week. JOEL: He waits a week just in case the court orders a recount. > > CROW: Is this it? TOM: Is it over? > JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] If you don't say anything, we're going to go. TOM: You're done, right? > CROW: That's it, we're out of here. JOEL: Goodbye! TOM: We made it out alive! [ JOEL picks up TOM, all leave. ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. DESK. TOM, CROW, and JOEL are behind it. JOEL is playing with a rubber band. ] JOEL: Wow, that was a wowser of a doozy of a wallop of a lulu of something else entirely, huh? CROW: I haven't felt had so many mixed emotions since the comic book where Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew got involved in the war between Oz and Wonderland. TOM: You're telling me this story this story involved your emotions in ways they hadn't been touched in years? CROW: What? No, I just read Captain Carrot yesterday. JOEL: Still, I think this story was trying to teach us something. TOM: Yeah, I got a deeper understanding of the causes of the Franco-Prussian war from it. JOEL: Now, I'm serious. You know those charts about how everything I ever needed to know I learned in Star Trek, or Garfield, or whatever? I thought we should try that here. CROW: Let's see... what did I learn from this story that I really needed to know? TOM: Don't sweat the little things, like having a hole blown through your chest. You can recover from it. JOEL: Don't be a clock-watcher. Leave your watch home sometimes, even if you're against a brutal deadline to save the world. CROW: Make sure you have plenty of friends when you go out to save the world, so that when you get knocked unconscious and lay there for hours, they can do something instead. JOEL: If a nigh-omnipotent multidimensional being wants to give you a hint, you should probably take it. TOM: Make sure you give plasma cannons only to your true friends. CROW: The quickest route from Point A to Point B is through a non sequitur. JOEL: You can solve any problem by hacking into a computer system and fiddling around with stuff for a couple minutes. CROW: Delegate authority, but tell the people you're giving responsibility when they shouldn't let your arch-enemies go. JOEL: You can't just sneeze your enemies away and expect them to stay away forever. CROW: It's good to train, but it doesn't really matter what for. TOM: Take the time to jump to the ground now and then. It appreciates it. JOEL: If you're headed for a disastrous crash, jump just before you hit so you won't get hurt. CROW: Make sure you know somebody who can help you out in case your arms and legs get torn off. TOM: Suddenly picking up, and losing, a comical accent is just a hint of the troubles to come. Be ready. CROW: Hovercycles and hoverbikes need to be rubbed. JOEL: Make sure everybody knows how to get to your Hidden Palace. TOM: The Freedom Fighters can be a valuable resource, for other people. Not you. JOEL: If you're falling from an enormous height, try to grab stuff on your way down. TOM: Watch out for The Man. He'll show up when you don't expect it. CROW: You can try to add a level of mystery and mysticism to your story by dropping in stuff like "Master of the White" and "Life Jades" and mysterious shadowy figures, but it won't work. JOEL: Let yourself glow when you're using your superpowers. TOM: Don't worry about messing up, because somebody you barely know is sure to come out of nowhere and solve your whole problem. CROW: Speed Buggy is a car that can lick things. JOEL: See? I think those are good life lessons, every one. TOM: I feel wiser. CROW: I just feel older. JOEL: What do you think, sirs? [ MADS SIGN flashes. ] [ DEEP 13. TV's FRANK has the blanket draped around his shoulders, like a cowl. DR. FORRESTER is trying to avoid FRANK. ] FRANK: I am the Count Dracula from Transylvania! DR. F: No, you're not. FRANK: I am here to suck your blood! DR. F: You're not scaring me, Frank. FRANK: [ Lifting his arms ] Bleh! Bleh Bleh Bleh! Bleh Bleh! DR. F: Just because you built up an immunity to that blanket doesn't mean you can use it to scare me now. FRANK: [ Putting an arm forward, and doing the Bela Lugosi hand move ] Come to me... come to me... DR. F: Frank. Frank, I'm trying to help you out here. Just trust me that this isn't going to work. FRANK: [ Looking up ] Really? DR. F: [ Shaking his head ] You're not going to convince me you're a vampire just by wrapping a blue blanket around your arms. Even if you did, it's nowhere near Halloween, so who's going to be thinking about vampires? FRANK: [ Letting the blanket drop ] I guess that makes sense. DR. F: Of course. [ Turning to the camera ] I don't know how you made it this far, Joel, but you just rest assured -- I have the time, I have the movies, I have the entire power of the Internet at my disposal. [ TV's FRANK begins wrapping himself in the blanket; DR. FORRESTER does not notice. After TV's FRANK is wrapped up, he puts his arms out and walks, mummy-style, up to DR. FORRESTER. ] DR. F: I don't know where I'll go from here, but I'm sure we'll find some mutually acceptable settlement. I'll send you a movie, you'll go insane, I'll rule the world. It's very simple and straight ... uh ... [ DR. FORRESTER looks back at TV's FRANK, and jumps up on a chair. ] DR. F: Yaaaah! FRANK: I am the mummy! DR. F: Oh, very funny, Frank. Go press the button. FRANK: I'll press the button. DR. F: Now, Frank. Press the button. FRANK: I'm going to press the button. After I become a vampire mummy! [ DR. FORRESTER grabs the ends of TV's FRANK's blanket and pulls, choking him. TV's FRANK acks and chokes, and then falls over, pulling DR. FORRESTER with him and ... ] | \ | / \ | / \|/ ----O---- /|\ / | \ / | \ | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations are the creation of Best Brains, Inc. Star Trek is the property of Paramount. Sonic the Hedgehog is the property of Sega, Archie Comics, DiC, and whoever else applies. "Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy: A New World" is the creation of Richard Story and is used with permission; all rights to the script and its unique characters are reserved by Richard Story. "I Regret To Inform You" is the creation of Stephen Ratliff and is used with permission. "The End of Innocence," "Limited Warfare," and "Black Light" are the creation of Stephen Tramer and are used with permission. This MiSTing as a whole is the creation of Joseph Nebus. The attempt to rhyme "lines" with "minds" was done only out of urgent necessity and the author seeks your forgiveness. And what about Naomi? > This made Maxl chuckle even more, causing Sven-Sven to > scowl at him immensely. "Now cut zot oot!" he said, his face growing > red with rage.