[ INT SOL. JOEL is resting his arm on the desk; CROW is leaning 
    his head against JOEL's arm. A light piece of duct tape 
    and a weak piece of twine connect CROW's nose and head to 
    JOEL's arm. TOM is off-camera. ]

JOEL: You feel good about this?
CROW: Yeah, I'm set.
[ TOM enters, with several envelopes in one hand. ]
 TOM: Hi, guys. What's up?
CROW: Ready to tell him?
JOEL: I think so. Tom, Crow and I were thinking about the fanfic, 
    and we realized it just made good sense.
 TOM: Oh, you and he joined in a deep cybernetic linkup so you 
    could fuse your natural talents and abilities to make a
    combined organism superior to all others?
CROW: Uh...yeah, that's about got it.
JOEL: We figured it'd be really cool.
 TOM: So, like, you'll be able to answer the mysteries of the 
    Universe, like why is it on "Scooby Doo" whenever Velma lost
    her glasses, she immediately became stupid as a bowl of hair?
JOEL: Uh...we have limits.    
 TOM: Oh. Did you get one of those psychic linkups too?
CROW: Yes.
JOEL: [ Simultaneously ] No.
[ CROW, JOEL look at each other. ]
[ Simultaneously ]
JOEL: No.
CROW: Yes.
[ A beat. ]
 TOM: I take it there are still quirks in the linkup.
JOEL: Yeah, Crow, I'm sure I didn't make a psychic linkup for us.
CROW: I'm sure you did, Joel. I can feel your thoughts.
JOEL: No way.
CROW: Honest. Let me concentrate and try to pick up your mental
    impressions.
JOEL: [ Shaking his head ] I'm sure, but...
CROW: Okay. Let's see... 
[ CROW concentrates. After a few beats, JOEL talks to TOM. ]
JOEL: So, uh, what're those envelopes?
 TOM: Beats me. I just found them in a mayonnaise jar.
JOEL: Can I see?
 TOM: Sure.
[ JOEL pulls the first envelope free. ]
CROW: [ Suddenly. ] Hot cross buns.
JOEL: [ Turning to CROW ] Huh?
 TOM: Hot cross buns?
CROW: I'm sure of it.
JOEL: [ Tears open the envelope and reads the card inside. CROW
    has to work to stay on JOEL's arm during it. ] "What spilled out 
    onto the streets when the air conditioning broke in the 
    middle of the debate session during last summer's rabbit 
    convention?"
[ A beat. ]
CROW: Hm.
 TOM: Peculiar.
JOEL: We can probably do better.
[ JOEL pulls out the next envelope. ]
CROW: [ Confidently ] Oberon; Minerva; and Tom Arnold.
 TOM: Oberon, Minerva, and Tom Arnold.
CROW: You heard me.
JOEL: [ Opens the envelope; reads the card. ] "Name a moon, a toon,
    and a goon."
[ A beat. ]
JOEL: Are you sure this thing is working?
CROW: May an overbearing camel bed down in your laundry room.
JOEL: [ Shaking his head ] If you say so.
 TOM: Let's try another.
JOEL: [ Takes out another envelope. ] We may regret this.
CROW: [ Sharply ] A koala hitman at dinnertime.
 TOM: A...koala...hitman.
CROW: At dinnertime.
JOEL: [ Opens the envelope and reads. ] "What eats shoots and leaves?"
[ Two beats. ]
JOEL: Okay, then. [ Starts ripping the tape and string off CROW. ]
CROW: Hey!
JOEL: I don't think we make a really powerful team.
CROW: Just as well. You get some weird thoughts, Joel.
 TOM: I knew it.
JOEL: I do not!
[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]
 ALL: AAAAAUGH!
JOEL: I wasn't thinking of story sign!

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL settle back in ]

>
>* * * * *

 TOM: Where were we again?
JOEL: Uh, nowhere.
 TOM: Oh yeah.

>
>     "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!  YOU'RE GOING TO
>KILL US BOTH!!"

CROW: YES!
JOEL: Go for it!
 TOM: Please!

>                 Sally screamed as they tore across
>Robotropolis at speeds that only Sonic could match.  Keith

CROW: Is just asking for a bunch of traffic violations.

>whooped in sheer exhilaration.  "PRINCESS, YOU BETTER PRAY
>TO EVERY GOD YOU BELIEVE IN THAT THIS BIKE HAS ENOUGH POWER
>TO GET US ACROSS THAT CANYON!!!" 

 TOM: That's a pretty long shout, actually.
 
>                                  Sally caught herself as
>she saw what Keith was talking about. 

JOEL: "That's not a canyon, it's just a matte painting!"

>                                       The only thing that
>could even resemble a canyon near here was the mile-wide
>gorge that bordered the Great Unknown.  

CROW: Yeah, I guess that might be thought of as a canyon, somehow.

>                                        She almost lost her
>grip in panic.

 TOM: Yeah, why do anything to avoid plunging to certain doom?

>                "STOP!!!  NO!! TURN AROUND!!!"  She shouted
>until she was hoarse, but it did no good.  Keith aimed for a
>chunk of slate, and muttered, "Sasha, afterburners, please."

CROW: Great, now it's the Knight Rider video game.

>With an ear-splitting explosion, the bike shot forward.  The
>hoverjets hit the chunk, and the bike's nose angled up.

JOEL: Lucky they hit the "space shuttle" model of hovercycle. Think
    how much trouble they'd be in if they'd stolen the Robotropolis
    equivalent of a milk truck.

>"HERE WE GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

 ALL: [ Singing ] On the Great Space Coaster!

>                           The bike soared across the gorge.
>All of a sudden, a kind of peacefulness came over Sally, as
>she accepted that she 

 TOM: Had split ends in her tail.

>                      was going to die.  The world seemed to
>go by in slow motion, and Sally saw

JOEL: The "Six Million Dollar Man" marathon.

>                                    her life flashing before
>her eyes.  When the show was over, Sally fainted.

CROW: Those clip shows take a lot out of a person.

>
>     "Sally?  Hello?  Yo, Princess, rise and shine!  We made
>it!"

JOEL: "Oh, great, I finally get a hovercycle and the first thing I
    do is run over a squirrel."

>
>     "Huh?  Wha---," Sally mumbled as she began to wake up.
>Her eyes flew open as she remembered what had happened, and

CROW: Thought "Oh, man, what was *in* that punch?"

>with a grace and speed Keith never thought possible, she
>leaped up and tackled the human.

CROW: "Oh, no, I didn't, not with *YOU* oh NOOOOOOO!"

>
>     "WHAT did you think you were doing?!"  Sally was
>furious.  Her eyes blazed with such a cold blue flame that
>Keith was actually afraid for his life.  

JOEL: He knew he'd never live it down if he were killed by a 
    squirrel.
CROW: Huh?

>                                         The feeling passed,
>though, as he realized that it was mainly residual panic.

 TOM: As the feelings of other people are essentially trivial and
    should have minimal impact on our lives.

>He grinned weakly.  "S'okay, Princess.  We're alive, aren't
>we?"  Keith's attempt at the Ultimate Argument of Logic
>worked.  

CROW: You know, I'd have guessed the Ultimate Argument of logic would
    regard the non-denumerability of the Cantor set, or Godel's
    Incompleteness Theorem, or such...outtakes from "The Dukes of 
    Hazzard" would've been my fifth guess.

>         Sally's rantings faltered, and the fire left her
>eyes.  She got off Keith's chest, and allowed him to sit up.

 TOM: Baka-wow!

>"Not bad, Sally!  Where'd you learn to do that?"  Sally
>looked up at him, almost ready to cry, 

JOEL: What the--this is a counter-revolution! There's no crying in
    counter-revolutions!

>                                       but seeing the
>dancing lights in his eyes, couldn't help but start to
>laugh.

CROW: Ah, the fine cackling of the manically insane.

>        Her crystal voice echoed across the gorge behind
>them, and seemed to fill the Great Unknown with laughter.
>Keith couldn't help but join in.  The two of them laughed
>long and loud, for what seemed like an eternity.

 TOM: [ Unenthusiastically ] Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

>                                                  Finally,
>they started to calm down.

 TOM: Whew.

>                            They picked themselves off the
>floor, and walked back over to the hoverbike.  Sally had
>never felt better.

JOEL: Not even the time they brought anti-lice shampoos to Mobius.

>                    All the pain and misery that had pressed
>down on her shoulders for so many years now seemed much
>lighter.

CROW: Suddenly the war is *fun* again!

>          Laughter, she mused, truly is the best medicine.

 TOM: And a smile is the best umbrella.
JOEL: And a puppy is the only love money can buy.
CROW: And swimming is the best form of exercise.

>Suddenly, a thought struck her.  "Keith, did we detonate
>those charges?"
>
>     The look on his face was answer enough.  He addressed
>Sasha.  "Um, Sasha, where are those bombs now?"

CROW: "They're being turned into pilot episodes for the UPN."

>
>     "JUST A MINUTE.  I'M SCANNING NOW."  A few seconds
>later, she finished.

 TOM: "We, uh, accidentally left them back home. Sorry about that."

>                      "WELL, ABOUT 75% ARE STILL IN PLACE.
>THE OTHERS ARE CURRENTLY ON THEIR WAY TO ROBOTNIK'S
>HEADQUARTERS."

JOEL: I guess Robotnik would be rather stupid to take the bombs 
    to a disposal area when he could be bringing them to his 
    living room instead.

>
>     "You're a princess, Sasha.  Thanks."  Turning to Sally,
>he said, "Well, we can still do some damage, and even add
>insult to injury.  What say?"

CROW: Why not wait for all the bombs to be taken into 
    Robotnik's headquarters, if that's where they're going?

>
>     Sally smiled.  She liked his thinking.  "NICOLE,
>detonate."
>
>* * * * *
>
>     The Control Center shook as a massive explosion rocked
>the hangar at its side.

JOEL: "Okay, kids, this is the fifth time you've done this, now, 
    your mom and I have talked with you before and it's just got 
    to stop."

>                         "Sir, Communications relay is off-
>line.  Hangar #2 also reports heavy damage."
>
>     "Well, Snively, I told you what would happen if you
>failed."  Snively cringed and squeaked, as per the custom
>for frightened rats.

CROW: Oh, now Snively's going to bite and give Robotnik the 
    bubonic plague.

>                      "What happened, by the way, with the
>human?  I told you to go get him."
>
>     "Uh, w-w-well, sir, we encountered... a problem, sir."
>
>     "And what kind of problem would that be, Snively?"

 TOM: "Turned out we were wrong and it's wabbit season."

>There was something in Robotnik's voice that said he didn't
>care what the problem was, but he knew Snively would pay
>dearly for it.

JOEL: See, this is what happens when Total Quality Management 
    programs get misapplied.

>
>     "Well, sir, the human seems to be... extremely
>intelligent.

 TOM: As he reminded us every other sentence.
CROW: Another one! 
 TOM: Would you stop counting?
JOEL: It's his cookies now.

>              He managed to outwit my patrol,

JOEL: But, then, hands on a clock outwit his patrols.

>                                              and he somehow
>hot-wired a hoverbike."

CROW: Oh, he just turned it on.

>
>     "Well, Snively, why don't you trace it?"  Robotnik's
>face was turning an interesting shade of purple.
>
>     "Uh... ummm...

 TOM: "Doc, I think we're growing apart."

>                    he... he destroyed the homing
>transmitter as well."
>
>     "He WHAT?!?!"

CROW: I didn't mean it. I don't know what I was thinking.

>
>     What happened next is far too disturbing for me to put
>down,

 TOM: Me?
JOEL: What does it say about a story when the third-person 
    omniscient point of view can't stay in character?
CROW: It says it's a fanfic.

>      but let's just say that Snively will wake up several
>days later with one mother of a headache.
>
>     "Packbell, you're in charge of finding that blasted
>human now.  I trust you won't fail me."

CROW: Oh, wait, you will fail me. I forgot.

>                                         The android looked
>down at the inert and bleeding form of Robotnik's nephew,
>and hastily agreed.

 TOM: So, why wasn't Snively roboticized, again? What special 
    talent was Packbell afraid of losing?

>
>* * * * *
>
>     The two could see the smoke all the way from the Great
>Unknown.  Keith grinned down at the Princess.  "Welp," he
>said, "I think

JOEL: That's the biggest forest fire I've set in *months*.

>               we'd best be getting back to Knothole before
>they think I hurt you or something."  His tone was light,
>but Sally picked up the message beneath it.

CROW: [ Sounding out Charades ] You want...you want me to go...go 
    to the store, okay, I'm to go to the store and you want me 
    to...to...sounds like "earring"?...uh...

>                                             Picked it up
>loud and clear.  "You know," she said, "there are those who
>would be willing to give you a chance, if you'd let them."

 TOM: Nothing proves trustworthiness more than pulling insane 
    stunts on alien technology.

>
>     "I'm sure there are, but on that note, I'm kinda a
>'seeing is believing' person.

JOEL: Unless I'm asked to believe a mysterious super-powerful 
    being that only appears in dreams.

>                               Let them come to me, and I'll
>give them a shot.  Anyway," he said, shaking his head,
>"let's head back."

CROW: Hang on, could we stop off at Wa-wa first? I really need a 
    super-slushie.

>
>     "All right, but could you take it slow?

JOEL: The last thing we need is for this to wander into "Return of 
    the Jedi."

>                                              I can only
>stand one heart attack a day, you know."
>
>Chapter 5: Another Chance
>
>     It was midafternoon by the time the two reached
>Knothole.  Sonic had already organized a search-and-rescure
>team,

CROW: All this trouble just 'cause they don't have prepaid 
    telephone cards.

>      and they were just about ready to head out when Sally
>ran up and hugged Sonic.

 TOM: [ As Sonic ]  "Oh, great! You can help us look for Sally 
    and that human!"

>
>     "And just where were ya?  I was just about to go out
>lookin for you!"  Sonic was relieved that she was back,
>though, and the lecture turned into a long hug.

JOEL: Now you just go to your room and think about your not dying.

>                                                 "So," he
>said, as they finally let go, "where's the trainee?"
>
>     "Right here, blue boy!"

CROW: Blue Boy, Pennsylvania?
JOEL: You behave.

>                              All heads turned and stared at
>the human sitting astride his hoverbike, looking like a
>cyberpunk's version of a Horseman of the Apocalypse.

 TOM: Hey, did he just appropriately use a simile? In a fanfic?
CROW: It's stunning. We may make it through this yet.

>                                                      He was
>grinning like a maniac.  There were some scattered
>mutterings, a few scathing remarks, but nothing incredibly
>audible.

 ALL: Murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur.

>
>     Keith turned to the crowd.  "What?  Haven't I proven
>myself yet?  My God, what does it take to get you people off
>my back?!

 TOM: It's not that, they're just staring at the headlights.
CROW: Yeah, turn the lights off, they'll snap out of it.

>           Oh, maybe this will help.  Sasha, could you call
>up that little thing we found back at Robotropolis?  You
>know the one."

JOEL: It's a T-shirt reading "I heart Robotropolis, but Robotropolis 
    doesn't heart me."

>
>     "NO PROBLEM, BWANA."  Immediately a holographic display
>shimmered into view.  It was a detailed set of blueprints
>for something called a Death Egg.

 ALL: [ Snickering ]
CROW: Yeah, and later on, the evil Dr. Robotnik is going to invade 
    Knothole and TP their lawns.

>
>     "Oh, my gosh, Sonic!  Look at this!  He's found the
>schematics we've been trying to figure out for the past

JOEL: Two sentences!

>three weeks!"  Looking up at her friend, she asked, "How on
>Mobius did you get these?"

 TOM: Actually, I just cued the laserdisk version of "Star Wars" 
    up to the right scene.

>
>     Keith shrugged.  "I guess there's something to be said
>for dumb luck.  Anyway, now that we know how this works, we
>can have a little fun, no?"

JOEL: Yeah, with this Death Egg we'll finally make the chickens 
    respect us.

>
>     "I don't know...  We'll have to study it carefully.
>There may be some surprises in this little toy.

 TOM: Like there...see? "Choking hazard--Do not give to children 
    under three years old."

>                                                 Only way to
>make sure nothing goes wrong..."
>
>     "...Is if we spend weeks in careful perparation, I know

CROW: Genius is one percent inspiration, and ninety-nine percent
	perparation.
	
>the drill."  He opens his mouth in a jaw-cracking yawn.

 TOM: Ccccrick! Bop! Boing!
JOEL: Ih fehh off! Hewp!

>"Just hope I can find something to do during the off-time."
>He shrugs.  "Ah, well, I'll find something.  So!  What now?"

 TOM: Maybe he could visit the set of "Super Mario Brothers."

>
>     Sally blinked as something occurred to her.  "Wait a
>minute!  We forgot the sleeping arrangements!"

CROW: I'll just use my massive brainpower to create suitable 
    quarters out of pure thought.
 TOM: FOUL! FOUL! Now he has to give up a cookie to me!
CROW: No fair!
JOEL: Sounds fair to me, actually.

>                                                 She looked
>around at the crowd.  All she heard was more muttering.
>"He's already got a place to stay.  Better put him back
>there."  Keith just rolled his eyes and sighed.

CROW: But I don't fold up to *fit* in the linen closet.

>                                                 "Okay, who
>said that?  Come on, come out.  I'd rather see my
>persecutors face-to-face, iff'n y'don't mind."  Recieving no
>answer, he smirked.

JOEL: Class, I'm going to turn off the lights and sit down until 
    you show you can control yourselves."

>                     Sally did not like that light in his
>eyes.  "Aww, c'mon!  Don't tell me you're too much of a
>coward to say it to my face, are you?"

 TOM: Maybe they'd be more comfortable offering to sniff each 
    others' rear ends.
JOEL: You behave too.

>                                        Even though he was
>adressing no one in particular, an angry snort went up from
>the back of the crowd.  Keith heard, and craned his neck.

CROW: [ Calling ] Cock-a-doodle-doooooooo!

>"Yes?  The hatemonger in the back?  You have something to
>add?  Come on, share your feelings with the group!"

JOEL: Or we'll just cancel the video. You have to earn the
    right to see "Inspector Molecule."

>                                                     The
>crowd parted as someone shoved their way up to the front.
>It was the badger that had tangled with him the day before.
>Keith just grinned.  "What's the matter?"

 TOM: [ Sobbing ] I'm afraid of cosines!

>
>     "What's the matter?!  The matter is, I'm tired of
>seeing your face!  You humans should be wiped from the face
>of Mobius!"  Keith's eyes grew deadly serious at this
>comment.  "Is this what you really believe?  That I should

CROW: Feel freer about breaking up my paragraphs?

>be killed?"
>
>     "You're damn right, that's what I think!"  Keith
>nodded, then pulled out a blaster pistol he'd managed to
>acquire from a

 TOM: Plot point we just thought up.

>               SWATbot.  He handed it, grip first, to the
>badger.  "Fine.  Go ahead."

JOEL: "But...uh...this is a Mobian toothpaste dispensor."

>
>     This threw the badger for a loss.  "What?"  He was
>stammering, but he took the pistol, and steeled himself.  He
>pointed it at the boy's head.  But didn't pull the trigger.

CROW: Probably has to borrow opposable thumbs from somebody too.

>
>     Keith looked disappointed.  "What's wrong?  Oh, I see.
>I'm too tall.  I'm scaring you.

JOEL: No, it's toothpaste! We told you that.

>                                 Here, I'll get down on my
>knees.  There, now you can go ahead."  They were at eye
>level now, Keith gazing into the badger's blazing red eyes.

 TOM: And the badger counts the days to retirement.

>But still nothing.  "Now what?  Oh, okay, you're afraid
>you'll miss.  You never were a good shot, and you might
>miss, even this close.

JOEL: "All right, I'll shoot, but it'll just get cavity protection 
    all over your jacket."

>                        Here."  He leaned forward, so that
>his forehead was pressed up against the barrel.  "You can go
>ahead now.  You can't miss."

CROW: Can *we* shoot instead?

>                              Still nothing.  "Come on, one
>little squeeze of that trigger, and I'll be out of your life
>for good.

 TOM: Sure it's painful, but just think how bad the moral will 
    be later on.

>           You'd like that, wouldn't you?  Come on, just
>one."

CROW: Or maybe two, or, uh, nineteen.

>        The fire in the badger's eyes was faltering.  Keith's
>voice was hypnotic.  "Do it.

 TOM: Obey...

>                              Do it.

JOEL: Must-defrost-the-refrigerator.

>                                      Shoot me, and it's
>over.

CROW: The whole fanfic, over.

>       Do it."

JOEL: Oh, and, after that, every time somebody says 'Chicago' to 
    you you'll think your pants are on fire.

>
>     The badger broke down.  The pistol dropped, and he
>began to shiver.  "I can't.  Why can't I?"  He began to cry.
>Keith drew him close in a comforting hug.

 TOM: The badger, however, was warned by his parents about being 
    touched this way.

>                                           "You can't,
>because you do value life, no matter what species it is.

JOEL: Except for cougars, coyotes, and any other species that 
    eats badgers.

>Hold onto that, my friend, because you may lose it one day,
>and then you will be truly damned.  Everything's fine now."

CROW: Give mommy a kiss now.

>
>     "Keith, I can't believe you did that to him!"  Sally
>had her hands on her hips,

 TOM: And her hips on her shoulders.
CROW: And her shoulders on her kneecaps.
JOEL: And her kneecaps on her forehead.

>                           and she was glowering down at the
>boy.
>
>     Keith released the badger, stood up, and looked
>directly at Sally.  "Would you rather I argued with him, and
>got mobbed?

CROW: Yeah, that'd be cool to see.

>             I wouldn't have a chance, and you know it.
>Better I make them," he points in the general direction of
>the crowd, "see that they do, in fact, have a heart, 

 TOM: Actually, they wanted to see his heart, as I understand.

>                                                     than I
>scream and yell, and get torn to pieces.  What do you think?
>My methods may be shocking, but they

JOEL: Really aren't.

>                                     work better than
>anything else I could have come up with."  As Sally was
>considering this, a small hand went up from the back of the
>crowd.

CROW: Teacher, can I go to the lavoratory?

>        "He can stay with me!"  As the villagers parted, a
>teenage raccoon girl could be seen, waving her paw.
>"Rebecca?  Are you sure about this?"

 TOM: "Uhm...no, I'm Carol, Rebecca is the crab-eating raccoon 
    down the block."

>
>     "Sally, I've never been more sure of anything in my
>life.

JOEL: But then I'm three weeks old.

>       This poor boy hasn't had a proper reception into
>Knothole society, and I intend to give him one."  She looked
>back at Keith.  "Come on, it's this way."

CROW: If this turns "naughty" I'm going to vomit.
JOEL: Wow.

>
>     Just before he left, Sally grabbed Keith's arm.
>"Careful, Keith.  She seems to have designs on you."

 TOM: Remember kids, if a girl tries to be friends with a boy, 
    it's cause she's got mysterious "designs" on him.

>                                                      Keith
>just grinned.  "And what makes you think she'll get far?  I
>do have a rather firm resolve,

CROW: And as a girl, she's got lots of cooties.

>                               and I think that she'll be
>pulling her hair out by the time I'm done with her.  Trust
>me."

 TOM: Is this how girls look when you don't have hormones.

>      He winked at Sally, and walked off with Rebecca.

JOEL: I feel like apologizing to every woman everywhere now.

>
>     "So, tell me, why did you volunteer?  You realize, of
>course, that you're harboring a human,

CROW: He's wanted for being a human in two states.

>                                       and it'll make you
>kinda unpopular."

 TOM: [ As Rebecca ] "That's all right, I'm already deeply 
    resented for my massive intellect."
CROW: Foul! Foul!
JOEL: Sorry, Crow, he didn't riff on Keith.
CROW: No fair!
 TOM: Sounds fair to me.

>                   The two were walking through the forest,
>getting to know one another.

JOEL: [ As Rebecca ] "Another few minutes and we'll get to the 
    kitchen. The campers will have hung all the food from trees, 
    but that never stops us."

>                              Keith regarded his new roomie
>with interest.  Rebecca MacPherson, the only Freedom
>fighter, aside from the major ones, to ever give him a
>chance to show his true colors.

CROW: Unfortunately, they're mauve and indigo. Yick.

>                                 She was pretty, if you went
>for that sort of thing.

 TOM: Yeah, who likes 'pretty' these days anyway?

>                         Her fur was light brown, but silver
>on her face and tail.  Quite striking, really.

JOEL: Slap!
CROW: [ As Keith ] I was just looking!

>                                                Her raven-
>dark hair was parted down the middle, hanging into her eyes
>every so often.  And the eyes... they were what really got
>to him.  They were emerald green, dancing and full of life.

 TOM: But a good antibacterial agent and that'll get all cleared up.

>The eyes of someone who's sense of humor would never die.

CROW: She's got Andy Kaufmann eyes?

>Rebecca smirked as she noticed his scrutiny.  "Finished?"
>She enjoyed watching his face turn the darkest red she had
>ever seen.

JOEL: But keep in mind, she's colorblind.

>            "About your question, I did it for three
>reasons.  One, because you've gone through a lot, and
>deserve to at least be able to sleep nights.

CROW: Two, you have a big shiny on your arm.

>                                              Two, I meant
>what I said back there, about giving you a proper warm
>reception."

 TOM: "Dear Pentmouse: I'm a newcomer to a small midwestern 
    cartoon..."

>
>     "And the third?"  He was pretty sure he knew this one.

 TOM: Which he knew thanks to his...
CROW: Oh, boy!
 TOM: Uh...being the writer.

>They stopped, and Rebecca looked up (way up, he's 6 foot!)
>into his eyes.  "Three, well, I like you.

CROW: "I can't imagine why."

>                                           From what I've
>seen, you're a pretty nice guy, and that's rare in my
>opinion."

 TOM: Yes, remember, male equals cretin.

>
>     The last statement didn't surprise him too much, but he
>was still a bit taken aback.  "Really?  You're kidding,
>right?"

CROW: Don't ask me, I'm just trying to follow the script.

>
>     "No, Keith, I'm afraid not.  Unlike most of those
>jerks, I have a very open mind.

 TOM: Why, I accept everything at face value and never waste 
    time with critical thinking.

>                                 If I like someone, it's for
>who they are, here," she laid a hand on his chest, "than
>what they look like.  You see?"

JOEL: Aw, she's got an alveoli fetish.

>     Keith nodded slowly.  "Yes, I see.  Thanks again,
>Rebecca.  I can see I'll be enjoying my stay here a lot more
>now."
>
>     Rebecca grinned.  "Oh, you may enjoy it more than you
>think, my friend..."

CROW: "So, as a raccoon do you have eight mammaries?"
JOEL: For that, Crow, one of your cookies goes back to Tom.
 TOM: Ha-ha!

>
>     Keith shook his head.  "Doubt it.  I think you'll find
>me to be an interesting challenge."
>
>     "Oh, REally...?"  She pounced him, and they started
>rolling through the forest, laughing all the way...

CROW: Yeah, hey, friend of mine just got a car and we're gonna
    go stare at its headlights all night. Want to come?

>
>Chapter 6: Gathering for the Departed
>
>     Weeks went by, and Keith was slowly acclimated to
>Knothole society.

 TOM: But he'd never get used to them being on metrics.

>                   Acclimated, not accepted.  People still
>didn't trust him, but he had enough friends so he didn't
>notice.

CROW: So he's got a lot of friends, he just isn't accepted or 
    trusted.

>         Quite often, he was seen chatting with Sonic,
>Sally, having fun with Tails, or discussing computers and
>such with Rotor and David.  

JOEL: And if we had the faintest clue who David was, we'd be 
    impressed.

>                            Other times, he was helping
>Bookshire tend to the sick.  All in all, he'd lived a pretty
>idyllic life in Knothole.

CROW: Except for the way everybody hated him.

>
>     One spring day, however, he'd locked himself in his
>room.

 TOM: It's not locked, the door opens *in*, Brainiac.
CROW: Does that count? Do I get another cookie?
 TOM: No!
JOEL: Behave, the both of you.

>       When Rebecca tried to ask what was wrong, all he
>could hear was singing.

CROW: Rebecca's a 'he'?
JOEL: It's hard to tell, under all that fur.

>                         What the songs were about, though,
>was what had disturbed her.  Keith was singing strange
>requiems, sad songs, and some ones seemed to seethe with
>rage.

 TOM, CROW: [ To "The Nutcracker Suite" ] Smurfberry Crunch is 
    fun to eat! A very special breakfast treat!
JOEL: Stop.

>       He only came out to get food, which he did quickly
>and with little if any speaking.

CROW: He was really upset the animals all hung their food from 
    trees so the humans couldn't get at it.

>
>     Sally reflected on this as she walked to Rebecca's hut.
>Apparently, he had sent Tails to her with a message, saying
>that it was imperative that he needed to speak with her.

JOEL: It's critically important! Take a conference call!

>She didn't know what was on his mind, but she, like most of
>the rest of Knothole, was out of their mind with curiosity
>or worry, depending on how much they accepted the boy.

 TOM: Or, well, fits of ennui, anyway.

>                                                        She
>knocked on the door, and gasped at the human who answered
>it.

JOEL: Ed McMahon?
CROW: I *never* thought I'd win the American Publisher's Sweepstakes!

>     He looked like the very image of misery.  His hair,
>gone unwashed for weeks, was long and hung around his
>shoulders.

 TOM: A world without shampoo and conditioner. A man without 
    Cartoon Network. Something has to give.

>            His eyes were surrounded with rings so dark, it
>seemed as if his face had become a skull.  And the eyes
>themselves...

CROW: There were suddenly two of them.

>              they were as empty as the darkest chasms on
>Mobius.  His voice was hoarse with all the singing he had
>done.

JOEL: His tummy rumbled from all the hamster food he'd eaten.
 TOM: His elbows were all tingly from accidentally bumping against 
    the desk.
CROW: His shins were lightly sprained from soccer practice.

>       "Come in, Princess."  He stepped aside, and Sally
>walked in.

CROW: [ Weakly, as Keith. ] Uh, no, that's the closet...uh...well, 
    you're the princess...

>
>     "So, what did you need to talk to me about?"  Keith
>motioned for her to sit.  She did, but he remained standing.

 TOM: Oh, great, he's pulling a Spock maneuver on us.

>It seemed he had a lot to talk about.
>
>     "First, I wish to thank you for everything you've done
>for me.

JOEL: No one else ever cared enough to judge me in a capital case.

>         You gave me a chance when it seemed like no one
>else trusted me.  You are my first, and truest friend,

 TOM: If you forget about Rebecca, yeah.

>                                                       and I
>want to thank you again for that."  He ran his hands through
>his hair, got stuck halfway, and gave up.

 TOM: Yick!
CROW: Oh, gross!
JOEL: I don't want to know what he got stuck on.

>                                           "I'm sure you're
>wondering just what in Destiny's name I've been doing for
>the past month.

CROW: [ As Sally ] I am? Oh, yeah, I am. Right.

>                 Well, I've been thinking, and I've
>discovered something."
>
>     "And what would that be, Keith?"

JOEL: No matter how hard you try, you can't fold a potato chip.

>
>     "That.  That's it right there.  For the past month, I
>feel like I've been...  how can I say this?

 TOM: I'm getting really uncomfortable, guys.

>                                             I'm not who I
>was when I came here, Sally."

JOEL: I've become a raisin collector.

>
>     "What are you talking about?"  Sally was genuinely
>concerned, and a little afraid.  This was totally unlike the
>Keith she knew, who was always upbeat, even when discussing
>his own death.

CROW: Discussing his *what*?
JOEL: "Yeah, I've found my mortality has always been just the 
    thing to pick up the conversation."

>
>     "I'm talking about the conditions of my journey here.
>You remember what I was told?"
>
>     "Yess-ss, I do.

 TOM: Had to book three weeks in advance, stay over on a Saturday 
    night, one piece of carry-on luggage, no more than two 
    suitcases, and waived your bonus miles.

>                      You had to give up everything you hold
>dear, everything about you world."  Keith nodded.  "Exactly.
>But what I didn't realize was that in order to renounce my
>world, I had to renounce my identity."

CROW: He's becoming Batman.

>
>     "I don't see..."  She was interrupted by Keith.  "No,
>but you will.

JOEL: He's been named the Earl of Kent.

>               What I mean is that Keith Aksland, the human
>who lived on Earth, has died."
>
>     This statement shocked Sally down to the very core of
>her being.

 TOM: The very acorn of her soul.

>            "What?!  What are you talking about?  You're not
>dead!  You're sitting right here in front of me!"

CROW: If Sally had just been the main character, she would have 
    understood metaphor.

>                                                   But some
>morbid part of her mind chuckled, looking at him.  *Are you
>sure about that?  Just look at him!*  But the thought was
>quickly pushed away.

JOEL: "I've looked before; he can't be any better now."

>                      "You, Keith, are not dead.  You're
>standing right here before me, spouting nonsense.  Why do
>you think you're dead?"

 TOM: "Well, I don't have a pulse, haven't breathed in two weeks, 
    and I keep seeing long-dead relatives beckoning me home."

>
>     He rolled his eyes and sighed irritably, as if trying
>to get a toddler to understand a basic truth.  "What I mean
>is

 TOM: My super-brain has transcended your petty 'life' and 'death'!
CROW: Another one for me!
 TOM: He deserved it!

>    that I have renounced my past life, as well as my world,
>and, in fact, I am no longer human."  Sally was about to say
>something, but he quickly grabbed her hand and put it to the
>top of his head.

CROW: "I can pat your stomach and rub your head at the same time!"

>                  She felt around for a second, frowning,
>when she felt it!

 TOM: Ew...

>                   It was barely beginning to push through,

JOEL: The weirdest "dirty" scene I've ever read.

>but she was sure of what it was;

 ALL: [ Squirming ] No! No! Spare us!

>                                 an ear!

CROW: Huh?
 TOM: An *ear*?
JOEL: Keith has gone bye-bye now.

>                                          She quickly felt
>the other side... another!  She withdrew her hand, more
>confused than ever.

CROW: So, Sally is completely unaware of the existence of ears?

>                     He looked at her.  "Though I'd rather
>not show you,

JOEL: He's a man with ears that almost poke out of his hair. Don't 
    cross him.

>              I'm also feeling the beginnings of a tail.

CROW: It looks just like the one my pet guinea pig used to have.

>                                                          I
>don't think it'll be long before the transformation resolves
>itself."

 TOM: Yeah, it's just taken a month to get the beginnings of a 
    tail. This should be wrapped up in another five hours.

>
>     "O-okayy-yy, but what till then?"
>
>     "I think it's best if I went out into the Forest to
>finish this off.

JOEL: After all, this has *never* happened to any of the other 
    humans who come through to Mobius every other fanfic.

>                  When I return, we will honor the dead."
>
>     "Honor the dead?

 TOM: Yeah, you know. Gus Grissom, Benjamin Franklin, Tex Avery, 
    and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

>                       A funeral?  But what..."  Sally
>looked in his eyes, saw the grim resolve set into them, and
>gave up protesting.

CROW: "Would you just *go* already?"

>                     "All right, but are you sure you'll be
>okay?"

JOEL: "Sure, I've got everything in the world I need right here, 
    like, uh..."

>
>     "No.  But if anything does happen, tell them all thank
>you for me.

 TOM: Thanks for what? Not killing him too often?

>             And please, if I don't survive this, give me a
>proper burial.  I didn't live as a criminal; I don't intend
>to be remembered as one."

JOEL: "Oh, we didn't figure to remember you at all."

>                           With that, he shook Sally's hand,
>hugger her briefly, and walked out.

CROW: [ With British accent ] Hugger off, Lordship!

>
>* * * * *
>
>     For a couple of days, no one had seen hide nor hair of
>the boy.

 TOM: But that's just because they're all nocturnal and...

>          Then, on the third night, there came a shriek
>tearing out of the Forest as of some eternally damned
>spirit.

CROW: Joe Barbera?

>         Those awake never slept, and those asleep were
>plagued with nightmares.

JOEL: They imagined they were in Sonic the Hedgehog fanfics.

>                          Even in far-off Robotropolis, Dr.
>Ivo Robotnik,

 ALL: [ Snickering ] Ivo?
JOEL: Well, I'd be evil if that was my name.

>              the only living being to function without a
>heart, shivered and moaned in his sleep.

CROW: Again with the images we don't want to live with.
 TOM: Can we take a break?
JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Yeah, it's about time.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ INT SOL. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are standing around, talking. ]

JOEL: Wow. Guys, you know, the villain of the Sonic stories here,
    Ivo Robotnik, really does have an evil name.
 TOM: An evil name, you say?
JOEL: Certainly, Tom. Just try saying it. "Ivo Robotnik." The
    syllables conjure up visions of a foul, despicable man.
CROW: Yeah, I see it.
 TOM: So you're suggesting that names control our destiny?
JOEL: Not that strong a suggestion, Tom. But within the confines 
    of a story, something as simple as what name a character has
    can go a long way to defining his personality.
CROW: So if you want an evil character, it helps to have an evil
    name for him or her?
JOEL: Exactly, Crow.
 TOM: I kind of see what you're saying. For instance, if you were
    a character in a story, Joel, you couldn't be evil. 'Joel
    Robinson' just doesn't pass as an evil name.
CROW: No; no, he couldn't. Maybe if he had a different first name,
    though.
 TOM: Yeah, like...how about 'Bentley'?
JOEL: Bentley?
CROW: Sure. Bentley Robinson, daring and ultra-slick super-secret-
    agent. [ JOEL beings pantomiming to CROW's movie-announcer-like
    recitation. ] Fast with a gun; faster with the ladies...he knows 
    all the moves, he knows all the secrets, and this summer, he's
    going to take Washington D.C. hostage.
JOEL: [ Standing normally again. ] You got it. How about you, Tom?
 TOM: Hmm. 'Tom Servo' isn't that evil a name.
JOEL: No, it's not. But what if instead you were...hm...
 TOM: Walt Servo?
CROW: Nah.
 TOM: Jim Servo?
JOEL: Definitely not.
 TOM: Lazarus Servo?
CROW: Maybe we can come back to you. Try me instead!
JOEL: Okay, Crow...do you think you'd be evil if you were 'Stan
    T. Robot'?
CROW: No...I think I might be an accountant, though.
 TOM: How about 'Dar T. Robot'?
CROW: Hmm... [ Moves around, as though fitting the name. ] Dar T.
    Robot. They thought he was locked away. They thought he was
    harmless. They thought he was powerless. They were wrong. This
    August, they're going to pay.
JOEL: Okay, so we've found a good evil name for you. Brings us back
    to Tom here. How about 'Jerry Servo'?
 TOM: Too cutesy.
CROW: 'Big Bad Bill Servo.'
 TOM: Sounds like a chili recipe.
JOEL: 'Scott Servo?'
 TOM: That's more a morning DJ's name.
CROW: That is pretty darned evil, Tom.
JOEL: True.
 TOM: Still not me, guys. Or, me as an evil person, anyway.
JOEL: Why not try some names from the fanfic? 'Ivo Servo?'
 TOM: Bleah.
CROW: 'Bookshire Servo'?
 TOM: Sounds like a land management plan.
JOEL: 'Keith Servo'?
 TOM: It's not working. Guys, maybe you just can't give me a name
    that would inherently suggest I was evil.
JOEL: 'Blackjack Servo'?
CROW: Blackjack Servo: Exiled to a penal planet for crimes humanity 
    would not face...Labor Day weekend, he's going to make them
    face him again.    
 TOM: Hey, you've got it. I *could* be pure evil if I had the right
    name!
CROW: Great!
 TOM: Yeah. So, what have we learned?
JOEL: Uh...
CROW: We learned...uh..
 TOM: That with a slightly different name, we wouldn't be carriers
    of right and good?
JOEL: I guess so.
CROW: Maybe there is no lesson. Maybe it's a cautionary tale.
 TOM: There you go. Parents--and parents-to-be: Don't give your 
    children names that will make them evil.
CROW: Right. It results in a lot of heartbreak, and fanfics.
JOEL: There you go. You guys are learning all the time.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ]
JOEL: We'll be right back.
 TOM: But we won't be evil.

[ BREAK ]