[Scene: SoL Bridge. M&TB are all on stage.] CROW: Guys... TOM: Yeah, Crow? CROW: The fanfic just gave me a great idea! MIKE: Gee, Crow, what's that? CROW: Well, you know how, in the fanfic, Kiki has no qualms about breaking the fourth wall to explain every tiny bit of backstory or character quirk? MIKE: Yeah, Crow, but what does that have to do with anything? CROW: Well... I thought we might try it for a little while. Magic Voice, activate program DangerZone. TOM: Whaaaa? MAGIC VOICE: Tom Servo's a well-read chick magnet. Noone gets him because he's the wind, baby! TOM: Why, thank you, Magic V... wait a second! What was that for? CROW: You see, as long as we're here, Magic Voice is going to tell all of our character quirks, idisyncrasies, and history! MAGIC VOICE: Crow T. Robot used to have an evil twin named Timmy. That Crow; he's a wisecracker! MIKE: C'mon, Crow, isn't this going to get annoying? MAGIC VOICE: Mike Nelson's a regular guy the Mads didn't like, so they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into space! Now he sits and watches all the cheesy movies, and they monitor his mind. He's got to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! TOM: This time you're gonna get it, Crow! MAGIC VOICE: Tom and Crow kind of have a sibling rivalry thing going, because - CROW: Um, Magic Voice, end DangerZone. Hey, I just realized why that's so annoying in the fanfic. (Crow laughs nervously.) MIKE: Well, I just hope we've all learned something from the experience. [The Movie Sign goes off.] MIKE: And we've got KIKI DANGER SIGN! [6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] [SoL Theater. M&TB sit down.] > Sally ran into the hut.The doctor rarely keeping up with her pace. TOM: I'm a doctor, not a track star, dammit! > They both ran up the stairs MIKE: The author avatar in the wild shows its status by having an improbable two-story hut... > and into the room. > "Where is she?"The doctor asked breathlessly. > "Right here."Kiki said.Sally sat down next to Kiki. > "Can I talk to you for a moment?"Sally said to Kiki,but her glare > was on Kay. CROW: Dang trauma victims! Stealing the limelight... > "Sure."Kiki said trying to keep her voice casual and not break > into a tantrum. MIKE: Kiki Danger: Avatar Without a Clause Break. TOM: Commas? We don't need no steenking commas! > Sally turned to her. > "Do you know how this happened?"Sally asked. > "No. CROW: Heck, I'm the author, and I don't know what happened! Maybe I should add more description... > All I know is only people in my house was her and me."Kiki said.Sally took > Nicole from her boot. TOM: Thank you for treading lightly upon me, ma'am. > "What are you going to do with that thing?"Kiki asked. > "I'm going to find out if anyone else is in here besides us,the > doctor,and your sister."Sally said sternly. MIKE: ... while selling seashells by the seashore. > Kiki rolled her eyes. > "I'm telling you Sally..no one's in here exept us."Kiki said > refering to the four of them.Sally put out her hand. > "Nicole,scan for all lifeforms in this hut."Sally said. CROW: Sure! Oh lifeforms, oh you tiny little lifeforms, where are you? > "Scanning Sally."The computer said. TOM: Scan completed. Sally definitely detected. > There was silence for about 5 minutes. "5 lifeforms detected Sally." > Nicole said. > "5?Name lifeforms Nicole."Sally said. MIKE: Willy, Linda, Biff, Happy, and Bernard! CROW: Mr. Loman! If Biff doesn't pass math he's gonna be stuck in crappy fanfics for the rest of his life! TOM: Would you like some cheese, honey? It's whipped. CROW: How do you whip cheese? MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the _Death of a Salesman_ sketch. > "You,Kiki,Dr.Quack,Kay,and Sonic."Nicole said. > "Sonic?"She said puzzled.Kiki gave a confused little half > smile. > "I'm as clueless as you are on this one Sally."Kiki said. CROW: Gahh! You know it's bad when even the *avatar* is reduced to the bean-curd IQ level of slasher-film characters... > Sally had a blank expression on her face. MIKE: Duhhh, I had Jell-O today. > Obvious that she was now lost in her own thoughts. TOM: Spit or swallow? > A few seconds later she turned to Kiki. > "I'm not so sure it is Sonic who we're dealing with."Sally > said.Kiki raised her eyebrows in a would-be understanding glare. MIKE: "Understanding glare"? Now there's an oxymoron. CROW: Hey, it goes with the rest of the morons in this fic! TOM: *rimshot* > "And what is that suposed to mean?Sonic I know couldn't do > do THAT much damage... MIKE: I mean, he may be the only hope for salvation of our planet, but he's still a wuss compared to me, Self-Insertion Girl! > even if he wanted to harm my sister."Kiki said.Sally shaked TOM: ... and baked. CROW: And Ah halped! > her head. > "Well, I had an experience with his 'claws'."Sally said. MIKE: BAD image. > Kiki shot her a look. > "Sonic doesn't have claws."Kiki said.Sally got up. > "That's how he gave me this little scar."Sally showed Kiki > her stiched stomach. TOM: See, it's macrame! Bunnie's been taking lessons... > "My sis. will be alright,right doc.?" CROW: My sis. Likes a sentence to herself, thank you. MIKE: But look! A correctly-used comma! TOM: Oooh! Ahhhh! > Kiki asked.He looked up to Kiki who was standing over him. > "Mmmm..hmmm..She'll be fine with stiches and some help from > modern technology."He said.They both heard Kiki let out a sigh of relief. > "Why don't you meet in front of my place in 'The Great > Unknown.' MIKE: Formerly known as the 'Lesser Unknown' until its hostile takeover of VoidCo and Limbo, Inc. > I can take care of Sonic."Kiki said. > "No...I don't want anyone else getting hurt."Sally said. > Kiki rolled her eyes. CROW: I won't get hurt, silly. I'm the author avatar, remember? > '" I can take care of myself princess,"She extracted her 10 > inch claws. TOM: Owwie! And we have unrealistic avatar power! MIKE: Well, we know she's not a human now... at least. > "Besidees,Sonic isn't going to hurt me.It'll be like fire agasinst > fire."Kiki said.Sally stared at her thoughtfully. > "I don't want him getting hurt either.This could be another one > of Robotnik's shemes."Sally said. CROW: Poor Robotnik. Sheesh, one evil dictatorship and you get such bad PR... > "Sally,"Kiki put her hand on Sally's shoulder. "I might've > been not all that good before you guys turned me, TOM: Hey! She's undead! But who's the cleric? CROW: Knuckles, I believe... MIKE: Let me check on that undead thing again... (Mike rummages around under his seat and pulls out a book.) MIKE: Good thing I keep my AD&D _Monster Manual_ under my seat... hmm... K for Kiki... "Kiki Danger. Unique undead (turns as skeleton)." > but believe me,I know my way around."She said in a stern and warm tone. > "Okay,but please do be careful."Sally said. TOM: Take a sweater. Don't want you to catch your death of cold, now. Here, have some bars for the road then. And don't run with the scissors! > * * * > Kiki slapped her forehead.[I'm gettin' all soft! I actually wanna > help Sonic!These emotions are gettin' ta me.]* CROW: After all, with my new emochip... > *=(Ahh..Keekstah CROW: "Keekstah"? TOM: The Kiki Danger equivalent to "Davey-kins", I think. > wasn't always on the good side.I'm sure you don't want me to spoil that > for you.) MIKE: Gahh! Close Encounters of the Author Kind! CROW: Hey, it's still better than the 'character thinks' ASCII monstrosity from "The New Season"... > Kiki turned off the lights.[I'll just keep Areana's teachings in my mind.]* > *=(Areana is Kiki's mentour who died cause of a fatal mistake.) TOM: Well, something fatal would have to kill you. CROW: Oooh, was Areana that Darwin Award winner with the elephant and the enema? TOM: Well, that might explain why the story is so full of crap... > She spun around when she heard some movement.Now seeing Sonic's figure and > remembering what Sally had told her MIKE: Not to beat the grammar-flaming to death, but I've seen first-grade D.O.L. sentences that were better constructed than Kiki's. > "Hiya Sonic!Miss the pain?!" TOM: Why, yes! I'm a masochist! > Kiki kicked him to the ground. CROW: GYMKATA! > She extracted her claws.Sonic grabbed her wrists and threw her to the > ground. MIKE: Either the fic is breaking the laws of physics again, or Keekstah is much more of a wimp than she has any right to be. > He swung up and kicked her side. TOM: HI-KEEBA! > Kiki got up.She both kicked in the air and punched. MIKE: Biff! Pow! Zap! Thud! TOM: Na na na na na na na na... AVATAR! > A karate move that knocked Sonic into the wall.She landed on her feet. CROW: Um, doesn't that mean she would have to be in the air in the first place? > "Cats always land on their feet." MIKE: Finally, we learn the avatar's race! TOM: Strangely, I'm just not fulfilled. > Kiki grinned.Kiki now seeing his claws > for the first time and looked up at him. "Is it me,or did you get taller?" CROW: MOON NON SEQUITUR POWER! MAKEUP! > "What?!"Sonic said.Now she saw his confusion.She slashed him across > the face light, MIKE: Ahem... on this note, here's a plug for the Save the Adverbs Council. http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~dgarrett/adverb/index.htm > but enough to peirce TOM: Parrot Boy? CROW: Seat Belt Boy? MIKE: Mouse? Haplo? The Expendable Extra? TOM: Frodo-Worshiper? CROW: Gollum the Radioactive Nuclear Holocaust Boy? TOM: I like nukes. Nukes are good. Hehehehehehehe. MIKE: Guys, nobody's ever going to get that joke composite. TOM: Who cares? > his skin.She gasped when it started to close up. CROW: Oh my god, he can regenerate! He's a troll! TOM: Yeah, he's Coalface... > "That's my favorite part."Sonic chuckled.Kiki stepped back. > "Yo Sonic,If you're trying to scare me with this effect stuff,its > working.NOW KNOCK IT OFF!!"Kiki yelled. MIKE: Why are you so mean to me?? > "I am not who you think I am." CROW: What do you expect from me? I'm evil! Eeeeeeeviiiilllll! > He appeared in back of her.Kiki jumped and extracted her claws. TOM: Oh, what an impressive avatar... fight the evil guy, and just *now* think of using claws? MIKE: Well, seeing as he can automatically close skin wounds, this may be hopeless... but I can beat him! After all, I'm the avatar! > "Oh now you're creeping me out!Either you cut this Bull TOM: This knife is *so sharp* it can cut a cow, and that's no bull! > shit or you're gonna have one skratch you ain't gonna never gonna forget > buddy!"Kiki yelled. > "You can't hurt me."He said. CROW: Your weapons have no power against me! > "Well,here's a good question pal! If you're not Sonic, TOM: Um, Kiki? "You can't hurt me" doesn't mean "I'm not Sonic!". > then who are you?!"Kiki demanded. > "I am The Black Angel" He dissapeared. MIKE: Man, Kiki must have given her avatar powers to Sonic in this fic! > "How'd you do that?!" > "When you're immortal anything is possible." CROW: I get it! Sonic has the Zeus Gene! > His voice faded. > "The Black Angel?" TOM: No, Kiki, the <>! MIKE: The Black Angel... I think he runs with Grievous Bodily Injury, No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People - the *other* Horsemen of the Apocalypse. > * * * > Sally rubbed her arms.It was terribly cold in the Great > Unknown,but Kiki was used to it because it was her home before she sided > with the freedom fighters.AmyRose however wasn't very cold at all. CROW: I think it's the protective lack of space; it prevents her from losing heat. > Everyone could hear Antoine's knees rattling. MIKE: And we have the obligatory Antoine humiliation. > "It's freeeeeeeezzzzing!"Tails said. TOM: Not just freezing, but freeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzing! > "C'mere Tails."Sally said snuggling up to him.Sally was > greatful she had told them all to wear jackets. MIKE: Oh, come on! They're covered in fur! > Sally put her hands in her pockets. CROW: And what it all comes down to is that Kiki doesn't have it figured out just yet - I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one in an awful fanfic! > She felt something and took it out.It was a picture of Sonic. TOM: Isn't that conveeeeenient. > She sighed.[I really hope that he's okay.] MIKE: Don't worry, Sally. He's fine; he's just evil and plotting to kill you all! > Sally thought.A cold chilling wind whiped at her face.When everyone began > cheering Sally turned around.It was Kiki TOM: And the peasants rejoiced. ALL: Rah. > "Suddenly I'm so popular."Kiki said sarcastically. > "What the hell happened to you?" > "It's nothing....Sonic can see much better in the dark than I > expected..that's all."Kiki asked. CROW: Enh, Sonic just tried to kill me. What in the world was that sillypants thinking?! > "You're not cold?"Sally asked. > "No..just tirred.It's 4:00 in the morning,speaking of which, > why are these little tykes here?"Kiki asked. > "We couldn't go to sleep after Antoine knocked down the lamp, MIKE: You see, we're great and powerful Freedom Fighters, but we're very easily startled. > besides..we wanna help too." TOM: So, all the "little tykes" in Knothole spoke as one there? > Kiki pushed away the hair in her face. CROW: Geez, how much hair can she have if she's a furry? Wouldn't it all be fur? > "Guys..get out of the way of that hatch."Kiki said.Rotor > and Antoine moved away.Kiki pushed a button attached to her belt.The hatch > opened. TOM: Wait, when did this entire fanfic start taking place on a starship, anyway? MIKE: Search me. I can't follow this thing for any length of time beyond a few sentences. > Kiki went down the stairs first then told the rest to follow. > "My sugah...sure is dusty in this little ol' place."Bunnie > said CROW: Mah stahs, it reminds me of the crystals... those dusty red ones and blue ones and green ones and... MIKE: No, Crow. > looking around at all the books. TOM: Well, given Kiki's grasp of the English language, there's a reason why those books would be dusty... CROW: C'mon, Tom. Aren't the grammar/spelling flames getting a little old at this point? TOM: Well, they would be if they didn't keep just coming up. > Kiki shut the hatch. > "Well Bun..I haven't been here for a about 3 months.The > last I recal I was here is when Robotnik built Agent X." * > *=(Agent X is Kiki's robot duplicate. MIKE: Look... more clumsily-inserted backstory that we didn't care about! Thanks, Kiki! > Umm..example...Sonic the Hedgehog..then came the Metal one.The almighty > Metal one!!HaHa) CROW: All right, who thinks that Kiki just disappeared into her very special own little world? TOM: Really, Crow, hasn't she been there the entire fic? > "Ahh..I remember that...Me and Sonic didn't like those > Bounty Hunters on our trail."Tails said. MIKE: Bounty hunters! We don't need that scum. > "Guys..while I was getting Sonic out of my hut he told me > a bit of info. that might tell us something about this."Kiki said getting > off the subject.No one seemed to mind. TOM: Hey, we're not stupid. We mess with the avatar, we die in bizarre wood chipper accidents. > "Computer..search files for the name Black Angel."Kiki > said. > "Searching files.Please wait.."The computer said.After a > minute of waiting something flashed on the screen. CROW: Lycos image search returned 40 links... MIKE: Yeah, and let me guess, over half are porn. > "The Black Angel:Thousands of years ago on the planet > Earth TOM: I'm sorry, I'll accept contrivance, but I refuse to recognize the fact that a Mobian computer would have encyclopedic knowledge of Earth! MIKE: Well, does this fall in Gonterboy's "Mobius Chronicles" continuity? TOM: Oh god, no, Mike! Not that! > a noble knight from the Middle ages named Angel fell in love with a woman > named Serena. CROW: Although in the original version of the story, they were named Mamoru and Usagi, and their mouth movements actually matched up with their speech, to a point. > His sister Kahara was a witch. MIKE: She's a witch! Burn her!! > He did not know. TOM: Well, admittedly my sister weighs the same as a duck, but still... CROW: How many nipples does she have? MIKE: Crow... CROW: Silence, infidel! I've already smited one demon today with the power in my hand, and I shan't be afraid to use the power a second time! > Kahara got jealus of her brother and cursed him for all eternity.He had > to take over the body of his victim and kill,tear,and eat the flesh of > others. MIKE: Y'know, few people ever suspected that the Donner family actually had a long and tragic history before they ever went west... > Once on the side of good is now under a powerful spell and those who can > trust in him and Serena can try to destroy Kahara."The computer said. TOM: And let me guess... for some reason, all of these people are now on Mobius. > The FF's looked at each other.A noise came. MIKE: A noise "came"? Wahhh? CROW: Mike, are you sure this isn't a lemon? MIKE: Positive. > They all spun around.Standing there was Sonic.Sally's eyes fixed on his > cold hard stare. > "How'd he get in?!Kiki locked the hatch!"Antoine said nervously. TOM: It's called a contrivance, Antoine. MIKE: So Antoine speaks ridiculously most of the time, but breaks into perfectly understandable English under stress? > Sonic CROW: Fourth wall? Where?! I don't remember hearing about any fourth wall. > held his head.He shook it violently. TOM: Dang head! If it wasn't for you, I could have had a career as a performance artist and Mass Fiction regular by now! > "You all are...are..."He held himself up,but he collapsed. MIKE: No... power for... dark villainous speech... > "I know what we can do."Kiki said. > * * * > Sonic started to come to.He was hungry.That's what made him > pass out. CROW: Y'know, I love the smell of retcon in the morning... smells like bad fanfic. > He shook wildly to find he was tied to the wall.He let out a > screech.Nobody was there exept Antoine.[Uh-oh..what if zis is not enough > to hold him?]Antoine thought backing up. TOM: Antoine *thinks* with an accent!?! AAARGGHH! I'm sorry, guys, I've tried to cope, but this is the last straw... MIKE: Hold on, Tommy! I have an idea! (Mike grabs on to Tom's dome as Tom begins going into the equivalent of an epileptic seizure. He also begins shaking as he attempts to control Tom's spasms. Suddenly, we can almost feel an uncontrollable shockwave emanate from what would have been Tom's head exploding. Instead, the shockwave travels towards Mike. Mike's head explodes, if admittedly with not as many pyrotechnics as we're used to from Tom.) CROW: Oh, my God... Mike... TOM: He... he... just got fragged! No! CROW: We... we've got to do something, Tom! TOM: But... what can we do? Mike's an organic... he doesn't come with replacement heads! CROW: Maybe Gypsy knows! Let's go ask her. Pause the fanfic! Please! [Crow and Tom exit the theater, Crow dragging Mike's body with his pseudo-functional arms.] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]