------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com) Part 3 of 9 [ Everyone enters the theater. ] > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 5 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: The plot takes a dive. CROW: Good one! MIKE: Thanks. > > "A good cup of coffee and you're up and running, eh Davey?" Said Bear, > a brown fox with a weird name (According to Davey, anyway, but he kept it to > himself), "Join the club." CROW: I wish I *had* a club, like Klubba's in DK2. > "Thanks, er, Bear." As Davey sat down next to Bear, he looked into > those blue eyes of his. There were deep, almost ageless. MIKE: Where were deep, almost ageless? > They showed a lot TOM: Of sausages. > more age than what the rest of him shows. Davey had the impression that > there is a lot more of this Bear than meets the eye. MIKE: Ba-dum-bum! > "Antoine De'Collete's CROW: A cheese grater? MIKE: Good at gathering and sorting? > the best coffee maker on Mobius," Bear continued. > "Hey, Frenchie! Anytime today?" > "Merci, I just want to give Misu Crockett zometheeng nice to welcome > heem by, eef zat's all right with you, mon ami?" TOM: [ Swedish Chef ] Bork bork bork! > "Something nice, Ant? What did I do t' deserve this honor?" CROW: That's what we want to know. > Antoine came out with a couple mugs. "Eet is like zis, David. You > fulfilled your zolumn duty as a royal messenger. I always hold members of > ze royal court of Acorn in high regard. Zis of course means you." TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Furndy furndy furndy! > "Hey, a house latte! Thanks Ant." > "Dey have ze latte where you come from, mon ami?" TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Hurdely hurdely hurdely! MIKE: OK, stop. > "Have 'em? Heck, I can make 'em. I used to have a small coffee shop in > my old apartment." > By the time Davey's done with the latte, other freedom fighters arrived > to get to know him better. TOM: That's 3. CROW: Maybe the "Davey's" is short for "Davey was". MIKE: Not likely. > Some of them already do. "Hi, Sasha. You > feeling better? That flashback gave you quite a fright." "I'm okay now, > Davey. Thank you for being concerned." MIKE: [ Sasha ] Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you. > Other critters are new to him, like > Vixie Lamenta and Mighty Fox. "Hey! Ain't your left arm supposed to be > roboticized?" CROW: [ Davey ] Oh, just bite me, what's-your-face. > "It is. I just shifted it into compact mode and switched on the > hologram. See?" Davey set his arm down and allowed the forearm control > panel to show through. TOM: Show through what? CROW: Ewwww... TOM: What?! *What*?!? > "My oh my, talk about state of the art. Bunnie's gonna be jealous." > "She is. Good thing I plan to set Roboticizers to this model. It takes > power from my own body heat, is practically non-polluting, and in every > manner, looks and feels just like a real arm." MIKE: [ Davey ] Except for this big ol' wire connecting it to my head. > "Whoa. Wait until Sir Charles catches wind of you." ALL: Yuck!! > Vixie turns to > Mighty, and whispers to him. "So, Mighty, are you gonna tell him?" TOM: The meaning of the word "flock"? > "Tell him what?" CROW: The square root of pi? > "You know! That you were a human once, like he was. TOM: And like Keith Aksland... MIKE: And Ryan Huber... CROW: And FX... wait, he was a ferret. TOM: And Vision... wait, he was a... whatever he was. Kell-dyer or something. MIKE: Who're Keith Aksland and FX? TOM: Before your time. > Maybe Dave would feel better if he know that there's another one like him." MIKE: Then again, maybe not. > "I'll tell him later." Mighty did so on a shooting range. He shot at a > tin can with a BB gun--a childhood memory-- MIKE: Wha? TOM: He was the kid in that Christmas movie! > as he told Davey about becoming a > fox to rid himself of the curse of being in the same species as Robotnik. > He figured Davey went the same route. > "I have never met Blubber Butt," CROW: Then just turn around! MIKE: Crow! CROW: What? MIKE: That was entirely uncalled for. CROW: Oh, just shove-- MIKE: That's it. You're heading for a time-out. CROW: Fine! Send me to my room! MIKE: All right, I-- Oh, no, you're not tricking me. Wait here; I'll be back. [ Mike gets up and leaves. ] TOM: Mike, could you get me my laptop computer? MIKE: [ off screen ] How'll you use it? Your arms don't work, remember? TOM: I connect it directly to my CPU. Saves time in the long run. MIKE: [ o.s. ] OK. > Davey said as he fired- > BRRRRRRAAAAPPP! TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, hang on, I just let one. CROW: [ Davey ] Gotta light a match quick! > --with a mechanized assult pistol, "the curse that bit me was > TOM: Oh, it's his "bent-over plumber gun". > Political Correctness, CROW: [ Davey ] Damn those gun-wielding PC geeks! > and > my change of species CROW: [ revolver ] Oh, sorry, forgot how to pronounce POW for a second there. > was > purely by the fluke of a TOM: Mermaid. CROW: Oh, they have those on Mobius? TOM: Yeah, all types. Half-fox half-fish, half-squirrel half-fish, half-mouse half-fish, half-- CROW: I get the idea. > power ring. But by every other reason . . . stops firing, switches on the safty, BOTS: Huh? CROW: Safty? TOM: Safty sea dog, perhaps? CROW: Safty safty, joy joy? > and sets the revolver down> you're not > that far off, Mighty." > Mighty and Davey checked their targets. Mighty was only shooting for > fun, so the oil can looked like swiss cheese. TOM: A mouse walking by, in fact, mistook it *for* swiss cheese and hilarity ensued! > Davey's steel Swat-Bot > target, on the other hand, was missing it's head, arms, legs, chest, and > whatever counted as its private parts. TOM: Mi-i-ike? CROW: Can we join you? > "Daaaaaamn. BOTS: *Gasp*! > What to you do, sleep > with those things under your pillow?" > "Well, I don't know any martial arts yet, although CROW: [ Davey ] I am rather familiar with martial *law*. I understand you have plenty of that around here. > I'll probably pick > one up while I'm here. TOM: [ Davey ] I'll just add it to Sally's Minoc Grove shopping list. > Until then I have to stick to these guns." > "Guns? You call them guns? Dave, you've joined the Freedom Fighters, > not the Ozark Malitia!" CROW: Isn't that the enemy in King's Quest 7? > "Mighty, you should know this as much as I do. There is no such thing > as the ATF on Mobius." > "Hey, Mighty," Sonia shouted from outside. "Sasha needs ya." CROW: [ Sonia ] You saucy thing, you. > "Excuse me, my appointment with Doctor Prower awaits" Mighty walked out > as Sonia walked in. "Hello, Davey. Oh my gosh, look at that target! You've > shot everything out of it. Not only is that Swat dead, it's going to be > singing soprano for the next week!" BOTS: [ flinch ] CROW: Well, how's it gonna, if it's dead? > "Just relieving some angst, Suni." Davey notices by her red cheeks that > she's been crying. "Suni, dear, what's wrong?" > "It's just . . . . . . that stupid mudball of a planet . . . MIKE: [ returns ] A planet where *apes* evolved from *men*?! CROW: Oh, you're back. MIKE: Yeah. I was gonna find something to punish you with, but I couldn't find the duct tape. CROW: Phew. MIKE: Here's your laptop, Tommy-boy. [ He sets it down in front of Tom and connects a wire to his dome. ] TOM: Thenk yew. > . . . y-y-you come from. . ." MIKE: Switzerland's OK though... they're all smart in Switzerland. > she collapsed into his arms and wailed. > "W-why? How could they do this to you?" She looks at his left arm. > "You're such a nice guy. . . " CROW: And she's known him for how long? > "It's okay, child." Davey licks her face for tears again. TOM: [ Irish accent ] Because they're saltily delicious! > "I'm here > now. I'm alive. That's all that matters." Just as he said that, his > mind's eye flashed back to that dank, dark alley, and those eyes filled with > sparking rage, that heart, black as the skin color of the chest it was > housed in, the killer bullet screaming out for his innocent blood. MIKE: Evil mutated vampire bullets, next on Geraldo! CROW: Sounds like how Bruce Wayne lost his parents. > Davey > Crockett would find his loss easier to stomach if it weren't for the > politics involved. TOM: Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're with ya. Right. > "I'm still healing after Piasa, my dear. kiss.> CROW: She exchanges it for a sweater. > Let's not talk about it right now." > "Oh. . . okay. . . Hey, wanna have a picnic? I > know this great place." TOM: [ Sonia ] It's right on the edge of this really nifty cliff. > "Sure thing." > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Hmmm, I was wondering, Dave...can I call you that?" > "Dave, Davey, David; MIKE: Mike, Mikey, Michael. TOM: Tom, Tommy, Thomas. CROW: Crow, uh... Crowey, Crowus. MIKE: Doesn't quite work. > it don't matter, Sonia, as long as you mean me." > "Well, You're name CROW: [ Davey ] I most certainly am *not* name! Take that back now! > sounds kinda...familiar in a way. How'd you get > that?" TOM: [ Davey ] Reverse Polish Notation. Why? > "Davey Crockett was a historical figure in my world. He was an > explorer of my country whenit was young. I was called that when I wore a > cap made out of a raccoon hide, which Mr. Crockettusually wore, in grammar > school. By my teenage years, I'd abandoned it, but then came theInternet in > my world. I considered it the next wild frontier, MIKE: That's just wahld, man. > and I felt that it too > needed a DaveyCrockett, so I resurrected the persona. I found my coonskin > cap, but it was too small, soI removed its tail and tied it to the back of a > baseball cap I'm always wearing now, and the nineties'version of that legend > was born. TOM: [ Davey ] Vaguely, kinda, sorta a tiny bit like the legend... ah, who am I kidding?! I'm nothing like Davey Crockett! Waaaaahhh!!! CROW: "whenit", "Crockettusually", "theInternet"... His space bar must be on the fritz. MIKE: Oh dear god, he's ryb in disguise! > I've been called that so often, I kinda accepted that as my real > name. I mean, I'd completely forgotten just what name I was born with. MIKE: Knowing him, probably something like "Finsterbocker". > Strange." > As Sonya led Davey to her private lagoon, she asked him about 'Piasa.' > "Shortly before I came to your world, I was hunting down this local > legendary monster known as TOM: Gonter Man! With the amazing ability to slaughter grammar and put his audience to sleep with a single sentence! MIKE: Guys, maybe we shouldn't be so hard on him. CROW: Why not? He rivals Ratliff and Mosely! MIKE: Well, in this one story, perhaps, but keep in mind, this is his first story, as far as we know, and at least he isn't producing loads of crap! TOM: Really? Oh, come look at this. MIKE: [ reading from laptop screen ] "Foxfire Archive Whearhouse". ALL: [ pause ] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA > The Piasa Bird. It was the ugliest overglorified > canary you'll ever see. He popped up a hologram of it to prove his point: > It was a jaguar with wings and a tail that can do three laps around the > body. "Had to use a super-powered sawed-off shotgun to take that thing out! > And that's with illegal ammo TOM: Ooooo, he's gonna get in trouble! CROW: No. Don't forget, he's: ALL: Gonter Man, lord of all he surveys! > and an over 800 meter drop!" MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, more like 800 centimeters, but there's a principle at work. > "Oh, Davey, you're so brave. You think you'd join those Power Rangers > you were talking about last night. TOM: [ Davey ] I do? CROW: Well, except that they're *just* a TV show. > That is, if you remained in your world, > which I'm glad you're not, by the way." > "I dunno." > They arrived at a picture-perfect lagoon under a waterfall. MIKE: It's a smarmy Polaroid ad! > "How'd you > like my little niche in the world, Davey? The flowers, the water, the > trees. . . " CROW: The smog. MIKE: The SWATbots. TOM: The toxic radioactive waste. > "Nice place you got here, Suni." > ". . . the skyline of Robotropolis just down that hill . . . " > "Oh, just put that in the long-as-my- CROW: Mike, you'll be happy to know that in this instance, I am not going to say one word. MIKE: Why, thank you, Crow. There may be hope for you yet. > Data-Spear list of reasons to kick > Snively's ass." BOTS: *Gasp*. > " Ha-Ha, that's a good one, Dear." CROW: [ Suni, cheerfully ] Shut up, moron. > They sit down on a > grassy spot. "Okay, what would you have?" She removes her bow and lets her > red Pocahontas-length hair fall. MIKE: Right off her head. > "I dunno, what you've got." He opens the empty basket. TOM: Ooo, nothing! My favorite! CROW: They're having air sandwiches! MIKE: Tastes crappy, less filling! > "Davey, have you forgotten, I use magic! ALL: Yes. CROW: Now ask us if we care. > What's your favorite dish? > Anything." TOM: [ Davey ] Hmm, I've never had an "anything" before. > "Well, my favorite food's Mexican . . . let's make it a chili dog > burrito, so we both can enjoy it." > "Okay," she waves her hands, and with a spark, a chili dog burrito CROW: Explodes in the microwave. > appeared. TOM: Four. > "Thanks, Suni," CROW: Wait, who's Suni? MIKE: Sonia's mutated half-cousin. Or her nickname. TOM: Nah. > Davey said as he took a bite. "Yummy." TOM: --fresh cyanide? > "Ulm, if it's alright with you, I'm feeling like Italian today." MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea what Italy is. > Suni > created a bowl of spaghetti. Davey looked a little surprised. He thought > that the Mobian Hedgehog's diet is predominantly chili dogs. TOM: Five. > "Besides, I'd > like to show you what my cyborg parts can do." CROW: If ya know what I mean. MIKE: Nudge nudge, wink wink. TOM: Say no more, say no more. PLEASE say no more. > She rolled up the fur over > her arm, and punched on the control panel underneath. Her index finger > morphed into a shaker cheese shaker." TOM: She is the Amazing Rando! CROW: NOW who's talking?! > "Neat trick," Davey said as he opened up one of the secret compartments > in his robot arm. "What's that." "Oh, this is a packet of Taco Bell hot > sauce. I have the recipe in my hard drive." "What's a Taco Bell?" CROW: It's a burrito you tie around the cat's neck to warn the birds. > "It's a > Mexican Restaurant in my home planet. I go there a lot; it'll be one of the > things I'll miss from my home." MIKE: [ Davey ] That and Cindy Crawford. > After emptying the packet, he looked for a > place to pitch it. "That's what the basket's for, darling." Suni opened up > the basket for Davey to toss the packet in, eyeing Davey's burrito. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Man, burrito, you're hot! > "So, Suni, how'd you become a 'borg?' Let me guess, Ro-Butt-Nik?" > "No, I got my cyborg parts from this android named Packbell." "Never > heard of him." MIKE: [ Davey ] Does he have a line of PC compatibles named after him? > "He used to work for Robotnik, but now he's probably > Snively's right hand droid. He has his own agenda, though. He want's to > take over Robotroplis for himself. Excuse me, but TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] *I* just let one. CROW: Quite a gassy planet we have here. > that chili dog looks > delicious!" Davey chuckled at first, but was surprised again at how easy > Suni turned a bowl of spaghetti into another chili dog burrito. "Wow, wish > I had that undo command!" MIKE: Undo fanfic? Yes. Undo conception of David Gonterman? Yes. Undo creation of Sonic the Hedgehog? Yes. CROW: Don't forget Star Trek. > "You know, hon, between you, me, Bunni, and Uncle Chuck, we can be > pretty cool cyborgs." MIKE: And that's our cue to laugh very loudly. ALL: [ do just that ] > "You think so? Maybe we should team up together." > "All four of us?" "Yeah, imagine us going up to Snively and say monotone voice> ALL: YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT? > 'PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE WILL BE FUTILE.'" MIKE: I am P-P-P-Porky P-P-P-Pig of B-B-B-Borg. P-P-Prepare to be a-a-as-as- assim-- er, joined to us. R-Re-R-Resistance is f-f-fu-f-fut-- oh, just give up! CROW: I am Ed McMahon of Borg. You may already have been assimilated! TOM: I am Windows of Borg. You will be assimilated, and claim that you're a brand new type of Borg even though you're just ripped off of Amiga of Borg and Macintosh of Borg. CROW: Oh, bite me, Mac-boy! MIKE: Guys, guys, calm down. > The > duo giggled. > "Aw, no," Tails can be heard from a distance, "Borg humor." MIKE: [ Tails ] Even though I have no idea what Borg is. TOM: I am not of Borg. You will be separated. Resistance is encouraged! CROW: I am Hillary Clinton of Borg. I will assimilate you fraudulently and shred all the records of the diversion of your assets to my husband's campaign. MIKE: I am Shareware of Borg. You will be assimilated once you send in $99. Press the 'Q' key after 30 seconds to continue. CROW: So they know about Borg and Italy, but not Taco Bell? TOM: I guess. > Two seconds > later, he was tackled by a pink enchida CROW: Shouldn't that be "echnida"? TOM: Same difference. CROW: Oh, well-- huh? MIKE: No, actually, it's a pink enchilada. CROW: Oh, I-- wha? > from behind. Suni said that her > name was Chuckles, ALL: [ laugh derisively ] > Knuckles' kid sister. MIKE: There, see, Tom? Just like I said a while ago. > "I've heard of him. Do you know > where he's at?" "Probably still at the floating island, for all I know, > Sonic can tell you more, but there's some bad blood between the two." TOM: [ Chuckles ] They're vampires. > Suni changed the subject and got up close. "Y'now, Dave, I've been > talking to Vixie, and we here wondering CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] How they get the ink into pens. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Where peanuts come from. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Why Sonic the Hedgehog? Why why why *why* WHY Sonic the Hedgehog already?! > why humans-turned-foxes are so > darned cute?" MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] You know any? > "I dunno, give us a built-in fur coat and a tail, and we > become studs, I guess." She began to open up Davey's shirt and snuggle into > his furry chest. ALL: AAAAAAACK!!! > She confessed to him that she's drawn TOM: Well, it is a cartoon. > to Foxes and Wolves, TOM: Oh. > but she was a bit worried about the age difference: She's a teen, while he's MIKE: 97? Yeek! > in his twenties. However, Davey said that he's > not CROW: Whoa, accidentally hit Enter a bit early there, eh? > the kind of guy who'd take advantage of a girlfriend sexually, TOM: Not that he's ever actually had a chance. > especially one who can be classified as a minor in his world. That made her > feel safe to trust him, and maybe she can get close for a little while. CROW: Speeeew! > "You know, Davey, you can be just a sweet and lovable teddy fox at times," > she said as they looked gray eye to red eye. TOM: Red eyes? Ben Stein to the rescue! [ Ben Stein ] Dude. > "Part of my charm," he said as MIKE: The audience laughed their heads off in disbelief. ALL: [ laugh their heads off in disbelief ] > they touched noses. . . . > DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET! ALL: DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET! MIKE: Isn't that the rhythm to conga line music? > "Aw, crud," Suni pouted. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Pout pout pout. > That was an alarm from built-in pagers both > Davey and Sonia have installed in their cyborg MIKE: I am Spoofer of Borg. You will be assimilated anonymously. CROW: I am Homeless of Borg. WILL ASSIMILATE FOR FOOD TOM: I am Bill Gates of Borg. All other software companies will be assimilated. CROW: > parts. TOM: Six. CROW: Stop counting! TOM: Oh, OK. > Quite possibly, that > was Sally calling everyone in for a meeting. > "I swear, between her timing and her father's aim . . . . MIKE: Lies obsession? > control panel and activates the cellular phone> Talk to me, Sal." CROW: [ Davey ] Or not. > "I hate to break you two lovebirds up, MIKE: [ Sally ] No, actually, I REALLY enjoy it! BWAHAHAHAHA!! > but I'm assembling a meeting > about that CD of Davey's, CROW: BWAAAAARR!!! > and to plan our next mission. . . " MIKE: [ Sally ] We're gonna blow up the Death Egg. BOTS: [ snicker ] CROW: That just always makes me laugh. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 6 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Um, the Knights Who Say Nix? > > "The walking care package that Daddy gave me just seems to keep on > giving. ALL: Ewwwww! > He's thrown in TOM: His hat. > several computer programs from Davey's world that > started to help us out the moment we installed them. Look at the stuff I've > added to Nicole. . . > CROW: [ phone ] Ring ring ring! MIKE: [ Sally ] Hello, hologram? > "Stacker takes existing hard drives and increases their size by more > than double. This will really give us more storage space for our little > friends. . . CROW: Ewwww! TOM: Say hello to my little friends! > Windows is a graphic based operating system that's so easy, TOM: [ snort ] > even Amy Rose can be computer literate in no time. TOM: Yeah, if she doesn't mind 99% of her time being spent fixing up after a crash! CROW: Servo, you die soon. TOM: I'd like to see you try. > What used to be a > complicated list of commands is now a simple click on to a small graphic > called an icon. . . WordPerfect is, by far, the best word processing > computer program I have ever used. MIKE: [ Sally ] Of course, I'm 3 weeks old. > It does everything except stuff MIKE: [ Sally ] You know, stuff. It doesn't do stuff. > your > letters into the envelopes and mails them itself. . . " > Suddenly, CROW: The lights came on with suddenness. > Robotnik was shown in a cave, having his spare tire blown to > hell by a missile. He collapses CROW: Suddenly. > into his own pool of blood and guts. TOM: OK, hands up, everyone, who *doesn't* wish that was Davey Crockett there? CROW: [ imitates crickets chirping ] > Some > of the villagers gasped at the sight, others were cheering by the time they > heard a gravely voice TOM: That should be either "grave" or "gravelly". MIKE: So either he messed up spelling or he messed up grammar? TOM: Pretty much. > go, "Hell, yer face CROW: [ gravely voice ] --no, David Gonterman-- > or yer @$$; what's the diffrence?" TOM: Good one, Crow! CROW: I've played that game before. MIKE: Guys... oh, never mind. > "Alright, Sally! I haven't been here one week, and already, I caught > someone playing Duke Nukum CROW: Nukem. > 3D!!!" "Man, that was cool, a little gross, but > cool." Sally giggled nervously. "How the heck did that program got in > there." > "SIMPLE SALLY, YOU INSTALLED IT IN. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > I DID WARN YOU ABOUT THE MA-17 > RATING." > "yeah, right. . . " "You like that game, Sal, and you know it." "You're > eyes were saying 'no,' but that numb thumb of yours was saying CROW: "Pootertoots". TOM: Is that dirty? I can't tell. > 'Yes!'" "rub > it in you guys. . . A-ha! MIKE: Auf Wiedersehen! CROW: Abracawhatchamacadabracallit! TOM: Ah-choo! > This is the one I was looking for; the CROW: [ Sally ] Nude stallion pictures. [ He turns and looks at Mike. ] MIKE: It's OK. Just don't continue. CROW: I won't. > schematic > drawing for the process Davey was half-roboticized in. Oh, I found a disk > for you to transfer those parameters in." TOM: Well, whoop-de-- MIKE: Ahem. TOM: --crap. MIKE: Thank you. > "Okay, Sal." Davey said as he slipped the disk into his forearm disk > drive." CROW: Who's talking?! > "I beg your pardon, my preencess, but what ess all theese talking about > Daveed's robot arm?" TOM: [ Antoine ] And hass aneeone seeen moi's brain? > Sally went up to Davey to retrieve the disk. "Because this robot arm is > more advanced than anything found on Mobius, Antoine. This design my father > used is almost indistinguishable from a real living arm, TOM: Oh, except for the big radar dish on the elbow. > especially in this > compact mode and with the hologram on. You'll actually feel fox fur; it's > even warm to the touch; and . . . then softened > her voice> CROW: [ Sally ] Oh, Davey... > . . . a pulse. . . I feel a pulse. . . TOM: [ Davey ] Sally's skipping. Someone nudge her. > Nothing roboticized should > have a pulse. . . " Everybody gasped in astonishment. "Are you askeeng moi MIKE: [ Antoine ] To give a speech describing the Declaration of Independence? TOM: You didn't do the accent. MIKE: If you think I'm even going to *try* that accent, you're crazy. > that that CROW: [ Yakko Warner ] Betcha can't say *that* three times fast! TOM: [ Dot W. ] That that that. MIKE: [ Wakko W. ] She's good. > arm's alive?" "If this' not a cure, it's certainly CROW: A vintage 1984 Dodge Dart! > the next best > thing." "Man, wait til Uncle Chuck hears about this!" TOM: He'll pee his pants! CROW: He has no pants. TOM: Oh yeah. > "Hold on for a moment, Sonic. We don't know if we can pull this off > first. Tests need to be made." MIKE: Fanfic tests. CROW: IQ test... negative. Plot test... none. Length test... 3 lines. TOM: We wish! > "I want my Uncle Chuck to be the first one treated, Sal. He was the > first one roboticized, it's only fair." MIKE: [ Sonic ] And I wanna!! > "Okay, Okay. After the test, we'll do Charles first." CROW: Ewwww! > Sally then turned to the audience. ALL: Y-y-y-e-s-s-s? > "Besides, we've got other things to > do: Mr. Crockett, of course, needs a place of his own to live in. We have a > good number of volunteers to do the building already. . ." CROW: Using fiberglass and baking soda. > "I want to help 'em out, Sally. It's going to he my home after all." MIKE: Here on Ventriloquist's Isle! > "Not right now, Davey. I need you for a courier run. I need you to go > to Minoc Grove to get some supplies. I'd go there myself, but I'm kinda > buzy tonight." MIKE: I'm going to listen to "Flight of the Bumblebee". CROW: And I'm meeting Swarm for lunch. > "Sure thing, ma'am." > "An' I'll tag along t' show ya the ropes." MIKE: [ holds a noose up to the screen ] TOM: [ Sonic ] I meant that figuratively. CROW: Where'd you get the noose? MIKE: It was under the seat. > "Tag along, Sonic? That ain't your style. You're the kind that likes > to lose trailers in the dust." MIKE: Hey, there's that down here too! CROW: Dust? MIKE: No, a trailer. CROW: Wha-huh? > "Not with that bike Rotor's working on, Big Daddy TOM: Pink and Mean Green Monster Brain. > ." > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: The world's largest arithmetic question. > > But first, Davey had to link up with Nicole to get a shopping list for > the Minoc Grove errand run. It includes two pictures of critters that needed > to be picked up. MIKE: Is Davey really the right person for the job? > "THE CAT IS MELANIE, A MARTIAL ARTIST AND A PREVIOUS > FREEDOM FIGHTER. SHE IS ANTOINE'S GIRLFRIEND, TOM: [ snort ] Right. CROW: Isn't that Bunnie? TOM: Fanboy. > AND HE WENT ON AHEAD TO MINOC > GROVE EARLIER TO MEET HER. THE CHAMELEON IS CLEO. SHE'S MELANIE'S YOUNG > WARD. TAILS KNOWS HER WELL, THEY USED TO DATE." > "Tails? I thought he was with Amy Rose." CROW: Please, no reminders! > "AND CLEO, AND CHUCKLES, AND NINA, AND EVEN A ROBOTIC DUPLICATE THAT > RESEMBLES AN 8-YEAR-OLD VIXIE. . . OH, SONIC AND TAILS HAVE JUST ARRIVED." > > "Hey, Tails, you Heartbreak Kit, how's life." > "Uh-Oh, Big Guy. Davey's found out about your love life!" ALL: Or lack thereof. > "Aw, no." Tails hid his head under his arms. > Sally came by with a bag of Mobians. TOM: In it were Sonic, Chuckles, Antoine, Bunnie, Chuck... CROW: I think the actual term for the money is "Mobiums". TOM: Fanboy. MIKE: Man, two "fanboy"s on one page. > Apparently, they used the 'coins > only' MIKE: All bills will be shot on sight. CROW: [ duck ] Quack, quack, quack... QUAAAAACK!!! > monetary system, as it appeared ALL: Out of thin air! > heavy when she tossed it to Davey. "A > little something to get something for yourself while you're there, Dave. CROW: But there's only robots in Robotropolis, all of whom are unfriendly to living beings. TOM: They're going to Minoc Grove, Crow. CROW: Oh yeah. > Consider it as your salary. Just don't spend it all in one place, okay?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Wow, a whole 5 cents! Thanks! > "Does it include Psycho Pay, Sal?" > "Oh, Sonic. . . TOM: [ Sally ] Oh, you moron, you worthless piece of crap. > Rotor's done with your hoverbike, you can pick it up." CROW: [ Davey ] I tried, but I couldn't lift it! WAH HA HA HA HA HA!!! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Wow, Rotor. You've worked all night." MIKE: [ singing ] Worked all night... BOTS: [ singing ] Oooh, baby... MIKE: [ singing ] Oooh, working up all night... > "Yeah. Tinkering's a hobby for me. I just can't sleep at night without > messing around with anything mechanical. TOM: [ Rotor ] It's an obsession. > I've covered all the outside > surfaces with solar cells to reduce fuel consumption, and added 50 > horsepower to the engine. I've installed a force field at the nose to act > like a front bumper." ALL: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!! > "You're an artist in your field, Rot." MIKE: [ Monty Python-esque ] Oh, rot you! > Davey hopped on the bike. "Your > Data Spear acts as the bike's starter key, and you can control it through > your interface." CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, he said "interface". TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh. "Interface". > The Data Spear appeared from its hiding place under > Davey's left wrist, and snaked its way into place. The twin 'tire' blowers > sprang into life, TOM: The Happy-Go-Lucky Reaper! > rushing air straight down. The hydraulic twin stands that > held the bike up lifted up and snapped into place. BOTS: Transformers! MIKE: Robots in disguise. > Davey found the clutch > pedal, and the turbine in the back produced a little forward trust, MIKE: [ Aladdin ] Do you trust me? > just > enough to take itself out of Rotor's garage. ALL: Bo-oring. > Sonic and Tails saw him appear. "Wow!" "Davey Crockett! MIKE: Leader of the *crap* frontier! > Big Daddy! > Jucin' it up on a hog of his own!!" Sonic revved in place. CROW: Ewwww! > Davey squeezed > the throttle. Both produces ALL: [ snicker ] > copious amounts of dirt MIKE: Next, on Jenny Jones! > as they staged in front > of an imaginary drag strip 'Christmas Tree.' The roar became deafening. An > orange glow growled from behind both of them. TOM: Gentlemen... Start your engines... MIKE: One... two... five! CROW: Three, sir. MIKE: Three! > And then all three of them simply vanished, leaving behind a thunderclap > as air rushed to fill the space that their bodies once occupied. TOM: They're dead! Party! MIKE: [ singing ] Party... let's have a party... CROW: Yee-ha! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 7 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL: D'oh! > > "You know what's the best thing about being the boss, Snivley?" > Packbell said as he stood next to Snivley's bed. "You can sleep in late ALL: Woohoo! MIKE: Too bad we're not the boss. > after a rough night, or go back to bed and start a day over, and not worry > about getting your butt chewed out by someone like Ro-Butt-Nik. And I heard > that things didn't go exactly as planned last night, as usual." CROW: [ Packbell ] You got slapped by five babes? TOM: [ Packbell ] Lucky dog! > Snivley was groggy MIKE: Nice to meet you, Groggy. I'm Mike Nelson. > as he crawled out of bed. "Who the phrack let you > in?" TOM: [ Packbell ] Twiki. CROW: [ Packbell ] Key. MIKE: [ Packbell ] Number Five. Oh, he's alive, you know. > "Oh, I came in through the vents, like any stinking Freedom Fighter. > You know me, Boss. I'll always give you crap." MIKE: [ Packbell ] I just can't think of any better birthday presents! > "You better believe that I'm the boss, and don't you ever phracking > forget it!" Snivley got a cup of the usual crappy coffee MIKE: [ Snively ] I'm taking the last cup and I don't have to make more 'cause I'm the boss! > and stood in front > of a terminal. "Computer, run surveillance tape of last night. Filename: > Crockett." TOM: O' Crap. > A video tape recording of a human with a robot left arm CROW: Me or Tom? MIKE: Neither. It's Gypsy. TOM: I dunno... looks like Cambot to me. > appearing from CROW: Left field? > The Void was played. "It appears that another player has entered the game." MIKE: [ announcer ] And-- what's this? A robot-armed human has entered left field! It's anybody's game now! > Another monitor showed a snapshot of the human's head ALL: Ack! > and whatever data it > had on him at the time. It wasn't much: Just the who, Davey Crockett, and > the why: Delivering a message to Princess Sally. CROW: She needs to be reminded to breathe every once in a while. > "This has King Acorn's > name written all over it. MIKE: See, there's one right there! "King Acorn"! And another! > He must've known that Robotnik is gone somehow, > so that he knew exactly when to send him. What's his game?" > Packbell turned to the playback and cringed. TOM: [ Packbell ] I've got "morning face". > "Obviously hardball." CROW: Which is odd, because he-- MIKE: That's enough. > He > switched on the audio. "No, you fool! Not so early in th--" > Both were blasted with a Death Metal guitar lick which accompanied this > particular scene in the tape: > [Sung in a fake-prosessed TOM: I'm reading that as either "fake-processed" or "fake-possessed". > growl] CROW: Rrrrowr! > MY MISSION IN LIFE IS TO TOM: Get tickets to a Rush concert. > SEE YOU DIE, JAMNIT ALL: [ burst out laughing ] CROW: "Jamnit"?! TOM: The J key isn't even *near* the D key! MIKE: That has to be the silliest error yet! > I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE > I'M THE HARBINGER OF YOUR DEATH CROW: Thank you! TOM: Kill us! Hurry! MIKE: Put us out of our misery! > I'M YOUR NOOSE MIKE: [ holds up noose again ] > --YOUR RAZOR BLADE----- > YOUR LETHAL INJECTION TOM: [ singing ] I'll be your noose, I'll be your blade, be everything that you need... > I'M SENDING YOU BACK TO OZ, TIN MAN-- > IN PIECES!!! CROW: Yeah, just blow chunks, Crockett! > With his jetpack blowing flame behind him, Davey Crockett looked like > the Avenging Angel ALL: Which one? > as he charged a squad of six Swatbots head on, his eyes > glowed an angry red so bright you can't see the eyeballs. MIKE: Hide, guys! He's coming!! TOM: No sweat. CROW: We can handle this just like the rest of the fanfic. > Each hand held a > rifle that he fired indiscriminately into his quarry. CROW: [ Fred Flintstone ] Yabba-dabba-doo!! > One shot removed a > Swat head in a grotesque blossom of MIKE: Lotus. > metal, oil, and circuitry. Another one > got clipped by the knees, toppling it to the ground. TOM: Just let him try that on me! I *have* no knees! Ha! > A third got in the way > of a decapitating clothesline. > Crockett landed on the just-crippled Bot with a gut-squishing stomp, MIKE: [ robot ] Wait, I'm friendly! I wanna help! I-- <*bzzt*> oh, never mind. > sending upwards a geyser of oil that popped the top off like a cork. He > growled at his fourth victim and pounced on top of it, knocking it down to > the ground. He reached back with his robot arm and dove it right into the > Swat's chest, BOTS: Yick! > grabbing its oil pump and ripping it out. Davey held the > still-functioning robot 'heart' up like a trophy, BOTS: Double yick! > then dropped it to get at > the remaining two Swats. > He grabbed Swat #5 by the neck with his left hand and wrung that Swat > around like a chicken, knocking #6 off a wall and into his right hand. A > panel sprang out from underneath the left forearm and a metallic spear on a > cord spat out, snaking around Davey's back and playing 'Alien' with #6 as > #5's head fell off because it's neck was squeezed into the diameter of a > toothpick. ALL: WHA-A-AT?! MIKE: That was *so* stupid!! CROW: What is this, dubbed from Martian by a deaf-blind-mute-retarded person who types with his feet?! > > Davey lifted #5 up high above his head, and with a scream that sounded > like it came from Hell, he brought the Bot crashing into the camera. > COME ON, SAY IT------ BOTS: [ whiny ] We don't wanna! > ROBOTNIK SUCKS!!!! > I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL: [ crickets chirping, frogs croaking, that sort of thing ] > > The screen went to white noise for a few seconds before showing Davey's > standing up to Mecha Sonic, and the subsequent breaking out with even more > of the previously viewed carnage, but both Packbell and Snivley were still > in shock . "Snivley, my man, CROW: [ Packbell ] Kiss me. > that guy is a wacko. He's sick. He's out > there like phracking Pluto. He is gone." MIKE: Y'know, for once, I agree with Packbell. > "Maybe. I think he's just a rookie punk out looking for respect. CROW: And I agree with Snively. > He > needs to be knocked down some, that's for sure. CROW: Twice, in fact. > He's probably a > Freedom Fighter by now, the Knothole scramblers won't let me pinpoint his > location. ALL: We'll tell ya! > It would be easier with that robot arm--" MIKE: Blown to bits? TOM: Glued to the floor? CROW: Up Davey's-- MIKE: CROW!!! > An alarm sounded saying that Davey Crockett has been spotted outside of MIKE: [ announcer ] The building. Repeat: Davey has *left* the building! > the great forest. "He's headed for Minoc Grove, and going as fast as Sonic!" ALL: [ bored tone ] Wow. CROW: Just like every other being who comes to Mobius from another world. > Snivley got an visual I.D. TOM: But his picture looked terrible. CROW: He was having a no-hair day. > He took a double take at the large fox > riding a hovercycle going 65mph, but the coontail cap and robot left arm was > a dead giveaway. > "Nice fur coat, Crockett. How'd ya get the blood out?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Palmolive. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 8 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Let's *please* be late! > > The hovercycle darts in and out of Sonic's wake as the hedgehog zoomed > through the trees on the outskirts of the Great Forest. Tails was tucked > safely in between Davey and the control panel. "This is CROW: So, so wrong. > way past cool, Uncle > Davey! You're going as fast as Sonic on this thing!" > "'Uncle' now, eh? You know if anybody's actually clocked that > hedgehog?" TOM: We'd like to clock him... ON THE HEAD! > "I dunno. Nobody has figured out how fast Sonic can actually get." MIKE: Let's see... so far his maximum speed is five miles per hour. CROW: Three, sir. MIKE: Three miles per hour. > "Well, I guess I have to find out, won't I?" > Davey edged the cycle directly behind the blue hedgehog. MIKE: Ramming thpeed!! > He acquired a navigational lock on him. MIKE: Whoa, he *is* gonna ram him! > A large speed display appeared on the panel. 75 mph. > The hovercycle slowly accelerated into tailgating area. TOM: Y'know, in an anthropomorphic world, the term "tailgating" could take on a whole new meaning! > "Hey, Hedgehog! I thought your name was 'Sonic!' CROW: [ Sonic ] No, actually, everyone calls me "Maurice". > Get it outta first, > will ya?" > "So you wanna race with me, Big Guy? JUICE TIME!!!" MIKE: Hey, he spelled "juice" right! > 87 mph. Hedgehog and hovercycle floor it. TOM: And the friction burns them to a crisp. The end. > 100 mph. TOM: Crap. > 125 mph. CROW: So... > 200. The nose of the bike crept closer. MIKE: Hm. > 275. And closer. TOM: I feel like we should be doing *something*. > 350. "Hey! Don't crowd me, Dave!" MIKE: So, how've you two been doing recently? > 425. "Never heard of drafting, have you?" CROW: Fine, fine. I'm working on "Earth vs. Soup Interactive". > 475. "If you think you can pass me....." TOM: I've been reading a bunch of comic strips. > 525. "Face it....." MIKE: Like what? > 550. "...Sonic..." TOM: Let's see, there's Limpidity, Kevin & Kell, Upper Crust, Sabrina Online, Madam & Eve, Ivory Tower--but that one's discontinued--Melonpool, Falling Dream, Dexter, Class Menagerie, After Life of Bob... > 565. "...I can..." CROW: Jeez, that's a lot! MIKE: After Life of Bob? > 580. "...take more..." TOM: You heard me. > 600. "...than you..." MIKE: Can you show me some of those later? > "Yeah, but can you stop on a dime?" TOM: Sure. They're all web based. > Sonic slid to a stop. CROW: I wanna see too! > Crockett blown past the hedgehog. CROW: [ snicker ] "Crockett blown"? > A brick wall was dead ahead!!!!! 600 mph. CROW: Hey, guys! Davey's headed for a brick wall at 600 mph!! MIKE: Really?! TOM: All right! > 550. "Bail, Prower!!" MIKE: [ Tails ] No, I plan to stay here and get crushed on a brick wall *with* you. > 500. Tails was thrown into the air. TOM: Fweee! > 450. The two-tailed fox spun his brushes to safety. CROW: Yes, art supplies can save your life! > 375. Davey cut off the turbine. TOM: Snap! CROW: Crack! MIKE: Pop! > 275. Retro-rockets bellow out from the nose. ALL: Fwooooosh! > 150. Davey popped a wheelie to put the blowers out in front. TOM: Gah? CROW: Fwa-huh? MIKE: [ whiny ] I don't get it. > 75. "Oh, no!" CROW: Oh, *yes*! > 50. "I can't look!" TOM: I can! > 25. The hydraulic stands go down. > 10. "He's gonna crash!!" MIKE: Woo-hoo! > 5. "AAAAAAAA!!!" ALL: AAAAAAAALL RIIIIIIIIGHT!! > Zero Miles per Hour. The hoverbike lands into a perfect parking spot, > with a good foot of fresh Mobian air between the nose section and solid > brick, and an inch between the forward stand and a 10-Mobian coin. ALL: Damn!! MIKE: Another letdown. TOM: Ah well. CROW: Not like we actually believed it. MIKE: It was fun to hope for a minute, though. > "I don't > believe it!" Sonic exclaimed. "he really did stop on adime!!" TOM: Mike, what's an adime? MIKE: The grade that Sprint lady gets on her report card. TOM: Really? MIKE: No. > Davey stood triumphant. "Thank you, thank you. No need for alarm. I > knew exactly what I was doing all the time." > "Great, Crockett. CROW: [ Sonic ] Ew, I splattered all over! Gotta go collect up my flesh. > Don't get cocky, okay?" > "Who, Me?" CROW: It's capitalized. TOM: Does that mean Davey is God? MIKE: Only in his dreams. > "Er, Tails, do I act like that." MIKE: [ Sonic ] Do I forget to put in question marks too. > "Oh, no, Sonic. You never stop that far away from the walls. C'mon, > Uncle Davey. I know where to get Aunt Sally's stuff." CROW: [ Tails ] See, there's this drug dealer near-- MIKE: OK, just stop right there. > CROW: Looks to be the end. Or something. TOM: For now. MIKE: [ picks up Tom ] So, you think you could show me some of those comics? TOM: Sure... [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ INT SOL. Everyone's in front of a computer-- Tom has his laptop, Crow is using the odd-colored one featured in the MSTings "Three Music Videos" and "Two Shades of Sally", and Mike's tapping away at a palmtop one. ] MIKE: Hee hee hee! Oh, that Ralph. Won't he ever learn? CROW: Man, Bob's in the wrong place at the really wrong time! TOM: Kinda sudden, eh, Amy? No wonder Thomas fled! MIKE: [ looks up at Cambot ] Oh, hi-ho, friendly readers! We were just looking at some of these web comics. Cambot'll show the web addresses during the credits, right? [ Cambot nods ] Anyway, I'm gonna go get a snack. You guys keep browsing. [ He leaves. ] TOM: [ waits until a few seconds after Mike is gone, then... ] Netscape. CROW: Internet Explorer. TOM: Netscape! CROW: Internet Explorer! TOM: NETSCAPE!! CROW: INTERNET EXPLORER!! MIKE: [ o.s. ] Guys, what are you doing? BOTS: Nothing, Mike. MIKE: [ o.s. ] Good. TOM: Hey, here's a neat site! It's about us! CROW: Hm? TOM: Yeah! It's called "Web Site #9"-- CROW: Cambot, give me Web Site #9! Hee hee! [ The view starts to fade. ] No, I was just kidding. [ It returns to normal. ] TOM: Honest mistake. CROW: So, it's about us? TOM: Yeah! It's got a huge archive of the riffings we've done on fanfics, spam, and postings! It's got Artemis' Lover-- CROW: Yeuggh! Don't remind me! TOM: --Rangers of NIMH 1 and 2-- CROW: Gag. Ga-a-ag. TOM: --*16* Stephen Ratliff stories-- CROW: I'm gonna barf up my CPU any minute now. TOM: --and a whole bunch of Abians, John_-_Winstons, Robert E. McElwaines, and more! CROW: Man, Sounds like someone has a *lot* of time on his or her hands. TOM: Yeah. It's by-- [ Tom stops and stares. ] CROW: What? TOM: What's Mike's full name? CROW: "Michael J. Nelson". Why? Who made the site? TOM: "Michael K. Neylon". [ Both bots stare at the laptop screen. ] MIKE: [ returns, munching a cookie ] Hiya. Hey, you guys found my web site! BOTS: Huh? MIKE: Yeah! Recently, I've been archiving all of these MSTings in my spare time. CROW: Uh, how'd ya get the Joel-era ones? MIKE: Dr. Forrester had them saved. I managed to hack in. TOM: Hmm. You need a better pseudonym. MIKE: Well, it's worked! Not one person has e-mailed me thinking I'm who I am. CROW: But are you? MIKE: Of course! I think. TOM: Wait, if you're not who you say you are, then who are you? MIKE: I'm me! Well, I guess I'm me. TOM: My head hurts now. CROW: Oh, big change. TOM: Why you-- [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] MIKE: Just cool down. We've got Psychic Network Sign, and we'll be right back. [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 3 of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com -or- gleemoth@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------