------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com) Part 4 of 9 [ Everyone enters the theater. ] MIKE: Great comics, Tom. Thanks. CROW: Yeah, it brings your spirit up. TOM: No problem. > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 9 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: And feelin' fine! CROW: Speak for yourself. > > The trio entered the mall area, TOM: Trio? MIKE: Um, Davey and two others, probably. > unaware that they were being watched by > a robotic rubber chicken behind a tree. CROW: Man, Big Bird did not age well. > This Bot was joined by a mechanical > monkey MIKE: Diddy Kong! > and a pint-sized tank. > "Grounder, the phone." CROW: [ whoever ] It's stuck in my nose. > The tank opened up his TOM: So the tank's a he? MIKE: Never seen a male tank before. > chest. MIKE: Ouch! > "Here it is, > Scratch." MIKE: No, scratch that. > "S.S.S.S.S. CROW: Chicken or snake? *You* make the call! > Squad to Lord Snivley. We just saw Sonic and Tails TOM: And King Davey, ruler of all. > go into the Minoc Mall." "Yeah," the monkey added, "and with a giant fox we > don't recognize. Looks like a dumb hick to me. " CROW: If he only knew how right he was. > "That's no ordinary dumb hick, Coconuts," TOM: [ Snively ] It's a *really* dumb hick! > Snivley said from the control > room of Robotropolis. MIKE: *Gasp*. He spelled it right! TOM: Actually, his spelling is improving by *small* amounts. MIKE: Hm. Ever read "Flowers for Algernon"? BOTS: No. MIKE: Never mind. > "His name is Davey Crockett, and he's a new member of TOM: Rush. > the Freedom Fighters. Be sure to give him a good freshman hazing as you get CROW: The measles. > that repulsive hedgehog and that flea-bitten brat of his." > "Will do, Lord Snivley!" "'Lord Snivley!' Ha! Never thought I'd see > the d--" MIKE: Dratted loser? TOM: Dumb hick? > Snivley cut Coconuts off MIKE: [ Snively ] Hi-keeba! > and turned to Packbell. > "The S.S.S.S.S. Squad, Boss? Hardly the bots for the Job. Those three > dimwits can't handle Sonic or Tails, and you sicced them on this . . . CROW: [ Packbell ] This *dumb* *hick*?! > Psycho? " > "Mr. Crockett is becoming too cocky too fast if he thinks he can just > step into Mobius like he actually owns the planet. ALL: But he *does*! > He needs to learn some . > . . humility." ALL: Agreed. > Snivley turns his back to his underboss. "Besides, those > three bots are expendable." CROW: Yeah! They can grow really long, and-- MIKE: That's "extendable". > "Expendable, you say." MIKE: Tally-ho, chop-chop. > Packbell eyes narrow. CROW: Which ones? > He looked like he was in > deep thought. TOM: Oh, it's just an optical illusion. > He faded back and out of the room. TOM: Now *Packbell* is the Amazing Rando! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: You can only make so many jokes about the same horizontal line. > > By the time Packbell arrived at Minoc Grove, Davey was through with > Sally's shopping chores. He also got a few things for himself as well, like CROW: A nice silk dress. > a baseball cap with the House of Acorn crest on it. He switched his now > famous TOM: Impersonation of Madonna. > racoon tail, MIKE: Bookshire! No! CROW: I thought it was Rotor. TOM: No, Rotor's the geeky fox. MIKE: Rotor's geeky, but I think he's the walrus. CROW: Wrong, Mike. MIKE: Huh? CROW: The walrus has to be... Paul! MIKE: [ pause ] What I wouldn't give for a Narn and a baseball bat right about now. > which is detachable, to that hat, and gave the old one > to Tails, which was close by. "Uncle Davey, what does . . . SIUE mean?" CROW: Gesundheit. > "Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville. It's a college I went > to when I was still on Earth." > What do you call a redneck with a college education? MIKE: A liar? > Packbell mused to > himself as he hid cloaked in the trees. A very dangerous man, or in this > case, TOM: Moron. > yipper. My guts tell me that he's gonna be more trouble than he's > worth. I've gotta study him. MIKE: [ Packbell ] There might be a pop quiz next period. > Davey dumped the stuff in the trunk of the MIKE: Elephant that accompanied them. CROW: This, of course, was met with some resistance. > hovercycle, quickly catching > a can of nuts for Sally before it fell off. Reaction time's 7 times quicker > than CROW: [ Packbell ] That of a slug. > average. Humm. TOM: [ Packbell ] I don't know the words. > Must be those cyborg implants. My sensors indicate > that he is MIKE: [ Packbell ] The personification of the author. > partly roboticized, but not all of him that's 'bot. CROW: Huh? > That left > arm's actually TOM: [ Packbell ] Styrofoam! > a computer terminal on steroids MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Two weeks later, it was discovered that Davey's robotic arm had been on steroids. The team was stripped of its title... > . . . oh-oh, Dumb, Dumber, > and Dumbest are here . . . TOM: AAAAAHH!! They made a SEQUEL!! > Neither Davey or Tails saw the three incoming 'bots. CROW: 'Cause, y'know, they're not observant. > Davey just closed > the trunk and activated the security systems, and headed back to the mall > with Tails in tow. TOM: Ick. MIKE: I don't think that's what... never mind. > As he went, however, he was looking around him. "Hey, > Tails, you feel like you're being watched?" ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > "Ummm, I dunno. Something's wrong?" > "I dunno either. Something's got me running a bit paranoid. CROW: So he's afraid that he'll get the runs? MIKE: Crow! Eeyuck! > I'll > check the scanner." David held his right hand to his head TOM: [ Davey ] Damn this migraine headache! > as his eyes > glowed again. His eyes must double as computer terminals to be glowing like > that. Good thing I've got a stealth mode. I don't want to confront him yet > . . . MIKE: I wish this was still set up as a web page. The thinking is giving me a headache. CROW: But Mike, you should be used to that by now! BOTS: [ giggle ] MIKE: Oh, very funny. *Very* funny. > "Drat, It's so buzy in here that I can't MIKE: [ Davey ] Hear a thing! BOTS: [ start buzzing ] > get a good fix on any bot > activity, but I do detect CROW: [ Davey ] A strip club. TOM: No, that's *hot* activity. MIKE: You guys are hopeless! > a tall cat and a chameleon coming this way. Must > be Mel and Cleo." > And it was. Cleo rushed the two-tailed furball. "Hi, Tails!" Tails > managed to return the 'hello' before being crunched in a bearhug. ALL: [ various cracking crunching shattering bone breaking sounds ] > About the > same time, Davey tapped on his right arm, and a song belted out. MIKE: [ singing ] I love you... you love me... ALL: [ singing ] Let's hang Davey from a tree... TOM: Wait a minute! His *left* arm's the robotic one! CROW: [ chuckling ] Whoops! > Davey took > a title track from a pro-wrestler and spliced in Amy Rose and Tails' voices: > I think I'm cute/ MIKE: Not. > I know I'm sexy/ CROW: You know wrong, bucko. > I've got the feeling/up an down my > spine.... TOM: You're alone. > "DAVEY!!! STOP THAT!!! I'M DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT HERE!!!" CROW: We're dying of boredom. Wait your turn. > I'm just a sexy boy (sexy boy)/ ALL: [ snort ] > I'm not your boy toy (boy toy) MIKE: Either of you ever wind up those walking toys and set them in front of a ledge? CROW: No. Sounds like fun! TOM: Let's try that later. > "ARRRRRRRGH!!!!" CROW: My thoughts exactly. > Tails ran out of the scene as Davey and Melanie were > laughing. ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. > Packbell was too, inwardly. As the two followed the beleaguered CROW: Ooo, vocab word! > 10-year-old, they were themselves being tailed by MIKE: Cute little girls selling cookies. BOTS: Awwww. > Scratch, Grounder, and > Coconuts. MIKE: OK, cute little bots selling cookies. BOTS: Awwww. > Scratch went to see what was in that trunk and was promptly > electrocuted. MIKE: OK, cute little bots getting blasted. BOTS: Owwww. > Smart thinking, Crockett. Waitaminute, what's that bamfing ALL: [ snicker ] > in? > A falcon with a red cape appeared out of nowhere. CROW: Isn't that illogical? I mean, everything has to come from *somewhere*. > It was Lutherain, ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: Well, this fanfic may suck, but at least it's entertaining. > the familiar MIKE: Then how come we don't know him? > of Sonia Hedgehog, someone Packbell knows too well; after all, TOM: How cute. They used to date. > he was the one that did the half-done roboticization on her. CROW: So? > The falcon > swooped down and nestled on Davey's shoulder. I'll be damned. ALL: We'll help. > Sonia's > warming up on him? This I've gotta see. Packbell leapt to the rooftops and > followed the entire scene unfolding. TOM: Let it unfold without us. Please. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: OK, I've got it. The Jolly Green Giant's vaulting pole. > > Melanie was joined by Antoine as Davey stopped by a Card and Flower > shop and telepathically TOM: Oh, great, now he's telepathic!! > said to Lutherain. CROW: Said what? MIKE: [ Davey ] I just let one. > 'I CROW: [ Davey ] Suck. MIKE: Oh, so we've got quotes for telepathy but not thought? > wanna get something for Suni, > but I don't know what. Any suggestions, Luth?' TOM: [ Lutherain ] How 'bout red fox repellent? She was telling me she wanted some of that. > 'Oh, the usual. Flowers, perfume, a card . . . I'd say candies, buy MIKE: Low, sell high? > it's a bit warm for that. Wine's out too, with Suni being a minor still. I > was wondering, Dave, what would you do back home when you fall in love?' > 'Heck, MIKE: I am Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light! Do not take the name of Heck in vain! CROW: Yeah, and that goes for me too! MIKE: Who're you supposed to be? CROW: Steve, Prince of Rapidly Waning Luminosity. > I'd just spray paint her name on a water tower.' MIKE: Wouldn't the Warners complain? > Lutherain crackled out loud. He's heard Davey's 'redneck' routines > before. He especially likes the 'Redneck Test' created by this Jeff > Foxworthy CROW: This Jeff Foxworthy, that Jeff Foxworthy, everywhere a Jeff Foxworthy Jeff Foxworthy. TOM: [ chanting ] We are not Foxworthy! We are not Foxworthy! > guy to find out if you are one, since you can't tell by listening > for accents. If you can answer 'Yes' to at least seven of these questions, > then you just might be MIKE: Crow T. Robot. CROW: Heey! > a redneck. If you can't count that far, MIKE: You're *definitely* Crow T. Robot! CROW: HEY!! > you get an CROW: Honorary job as a fanfic author! > automatic mention. . . > > "Oui," Antoine interjected TOM: Eww. > into the shared musings. "Would you like > zome flowerz or ze candeez for the girl of your dreamz, or MIKE: [ Antoine ] Don't you dream at all? > will you zettle > for ze Krylon?" > Davey laughed. "Nah, Ant. There's no overpasses around Knothole. . . > A-ha." He eyed a bottle of Mystic brand perfume that was within his budget. > "This will do." He had it gift-wrapped with a card included. He signed it TOM: "Some dork". > with a racoon tail. 'That'll show Suni who's that from. Who else wears a > coontail cap--waitaminute, what's that outside?' TOM: It's a bird! CROW: It's a plane! TOM: No, it's a bird! CROW: It's a plane, you dunce! MIKE: No, it's an elephant, I'm sure of it! > Sonic was found dressed up as a mall cop, harassing a robot chicken, > monkey, and toy tank. 'The bot's names are Scratch, Coconuts, and Grounder, CROW: So one bot has three names? TOM: Why not? Davey has 17. > respectively. They're known as the S.S.S.S.S.Squad.' > 'S.S.S.S.S. Squad?' MIKE: They're snakes in disguise. > 'Super Stinky Smelly Stupid Slow-Mo Squad.' > 'Good one, Lutherain.' ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. It is funny. We laugh at it. Ha ha ha. > "Waitaminute! We're not stupid! CROW: Just 'cause we can't open childproof bottles, and testers have to dig for our IQs, and we can't spell "three", and we need help putting on our underpants, and we all think two plus two is eleventeen, that doesn't mean we're stupid! > That's no mall cop, that's Sonic!" > "Get him!" > "Oh-oh, Sonic's been 'made.'" ALL: Ewww!! > Three robots piled on Sonic, who merely wiggled out of the heap of > metal as the bots argued it out amongst themselves for about 15 seconds. CROW: Y'know, physical humor just doesn't translate well into text. MIKE: Or it could just not be funny at all. > Davey handed the present to Antoine. "Hold this, Ant. This won't take > more than a minute." MIKE: [ Davey ] I just tie the string to your tooth, the other end to my hovercycle... > "Good luck, mon ami." MIKE: [ Antoine ] What should I put on your tombstone, er, I mean, see you when you get back! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOM: Jack and the, er, Leafless Beanstalk. > > Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop. . . CROW: [ Monty Python-esque ] Someday we'd better get ourselves actual horses. > Three bots noticed the approaching footsteps and looked up at the tall > orange fox TOM: Isn't he supposed to be a red fox? MIKE: You expected continuity? TOM: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. > entering the fray. "Hey, my man--er, hedgehog. These bot's > giving you crap?" The fox looked like he means business by the way he was TOM: > dressed; CROW: [ Davey ] Wha-- Little Bo Peep?! Where's my Means Business outfit? > an 'uniform' he got himself in the stores: TOM: I'm afraid to ask... > Earthling Levis tucked > into boots. Two laser pistols holstered at the hips and The Power Rifle-- > another toy he brought with himself over The Void, if anyone in the scene > cared to ask-- MIKE: Oh yeah, forgot to give him a weapon, so just say he got one way earlier! CROW: It's Standard Plot Contrivance #75. TOM: What's #76? CROW: "Kidnapping of boy/girlfriend." > behind the back. The Y-shaped suspenders with the Acorn icon TOM: Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon! CROW: Stop. MIKE: Repeat it endlessly! Annoy your friends! Lose your job! Get expelled! Be put up for adoption! CROW: Stop it! TOM: Acorn icon. Acone icron. Racone icnon. Nacone ricron. CROW: STOP IT!! TOM: [ muttered ] Ranecone nicron. > in the middle. The cyborg left arm expanded into 'Combat Mode.' And then > the eyes, ruby quartz red and glowing like a pair of sunsets. CROW: Hey, guys, we switched from Blood and Metal to Redneck Rampage! TOM: Awright! MIKE: Somebody whack Bubba with a crowbar! > Davey > Crockett thought of colored contacts, but Suni thought they looked cool > enough the way they are; they reminded her of Scott Summers' eyeballs. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea who Scott Summers is. > "Hey, nothing I can't handle, Big Daddy. I can handle these Badniks > any old day." > "Then would you mind if I join you? CROW: [ Davey ] I've got "boogie fever"! Boogie with me, blue man! > If I don't kill at least one bot > in a day, I'm afraid I'll just spoil." > "H-h-h-h-hey," Scratch stammered, as he almost figured out who's just > joining in the game. "Y-y-you're not that new--" > "Yes, I am." Crockett advanced toward the robot chicken. MIKE: Chicken limbo's the one! Big fun! CROW: Ca-a-all for Robot Chicken! TOM: Buckaw! > Sonic > smiled. "Check this out Tails, the good part's coming up. This is where > robot parts start flying and the oil starts spray--" Suddenly, Sonic looked > surprised. "Behind you, Dave!" MIKE: [ Sonic ] Dave, your behind! > The feeling was mutual in Lutherain. Oh, crud. It's Packbell!! > Neither of them got a chance to finish their lines before Packbell > dropped on top of Davey Crockett and sunk his arms around Davey's head in a > sleeper hold! CROW: [ Packbell ] I've always loved you. TOM: And now, for your viewing displeasure, a demonstration of Standard Plot Contrivance #76. > "Think you could just waltz into the place and save the > world, Rookie? Can't have that from my side, mister. Imagine what Suni > would feel with her newly-beloved cyborg boyfriend being delivered to her in > a pizza box? Heh-heh-heh-heh!" MIKE: Well, that's what she'd *say*. > All of the sudden, Davey's eyes glow red. Gritted teeth show a new surge MIKE: Energy *SURGE*!! > of > hardness. BOTS: Ewwww!! MIKE: Guys... > If you look closely, text caqn ALL: [ chuckle ] TOM: Does Davey even know the word "spell-check"? CROW: Maybe it's supposed to be "Cajun"! MIKE: Oh, great, an X-Men crossover. > be seen on his left arm, the same text that > glares in his vision. CROW: Do you want to, or shall I? MIKE: Let's do it together. TOM: OK! One, two, three-- ALL: BITE ME, DAVEY!! > Davey Crockett is now in "Kick Bot Mode:" ALL: [ snicker ] > > ALERT---UNIT UNDER ATTACK BY: TOM: Two robots and one human. > ANDROID DESIGNATE: PACKBELL CROW: Gateway. MIKE: Dell. TOM: Macintosh. CROW: Mac-boy. TOM: Bite me. MIKE: Stop now. BOTS: Bite us. > METHOD OF ATTACK: SUBMISSION HOLD CROW: S&M? MIKE: Crow, no. > BLOOD FLOW TO CPU RESTRICTED TO 75% ALL: Woo-hoo! > REINFORCING NECK REGION TO COMPENSATE... > > Davey's neck begins to expand under Packbell's arms. TOM: Eww! CROW: His head soon followed suit. > The android > notices this: "What the Phrack?" > > BLOOD FLOW STABILIZING > BODY BANK STATUS: TOM: Foreclosed. > FULLY CHARGED > SUGGESTED PLAN: BREAK PACKBELL'S HOLD MIKE: Well, duuuh. CROW: Gee, ya think?! > SUGGESTED ACTION: JACK HIS JAW CROW: Jack his jaw! Thwap it, punch it, smack it! Hit it, even! > PROCESSING... TOM: General protection fault. MIKE: Bad command or file name. CROW: (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail? > > Davey grabbed Packbell's head with both hands, moved that head above > his own, and dropped to his posterior. Davey's head got in the way of > Packbell's jaw. CROW: Guh-fwa? TOM: What just happened there? MIKE: My head hurts. > "OW!" He MIKE: Who? CROW: Wha? > let one arm go to nurse his chin. CROW: Bottle or-- MIKE: [ fake sneeze ] Achoo. CROW: Uh, never mind. > > DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 10% TOM: From one stupid jaw-thwack?! > BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 82% CROW: Right. > SUGGESTED ACTION: SHOULDER TOSS MIKE: Sure thing. > AMPLIFYING PULSE AND ... TOM: We're with you. > PROCESSING... CROW: Uh-huh. > > Davey grabbed Packbell again CROW: Ewwww! MIKE: Crow, just... oh, forget it. > and threw him over his robot shoulder, > landing the droid TOM: [ R2D2 ] Bleep-bloop! > three meters in front of the borg. TOM: We are Cheech and Chong of Borg! Come on! We can assimilate you, and we can smoke all of this bag together! What do you say? Grab the bong! CROW: I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated. Division is futile. MIKE: I am Ernie of Borg. You will be assimilated into a rubber ducky. > > DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 15% TOM: So when he got hit in the jaw it was 10%, but he got thrown three meters and that's only 5%? CROW: Yeah, and 15% of what?! MIKE: Maybe it really is Redneck Rampage! CROW: More like Duke Nukem 3D. TOM: Or maybe Mortal Kombat. CROW: If only it was Tomb Raider. TOM: [ Homer Simpson ] Mmm... Lara Croft... > BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 75% TOM: And without a single medipack. > SWITCHING TO POWER RIFLE: CROW: Yeah. > TARGETING MODE: MIKE: Okay. > locking on.> TOM: Whatever. > PACKBELL TARGETED... CROW: Get on with it! MIKE: You do realize what you're saying. CROW: Oops. Take your time! > > Davey looked down Packbell through rifle sights, TOM: Oh, nice going, Crow! You jinxed it! CROW: Shut up, bubblehead! > "Deliver me to Sonia > in a pizza box, eh? TOM: [ Davey ] Fine by me! > I can't have that, can I? Maybe I should give her your > head with that perfume?" CROW: Oh, very romantic. A robot head. MIKE: Hey, I gave a robot head to Ginger for her birthday once. TOM: Er... [ Crow and Tom look at Mike and scoot away. ] MIKE: Guys, I was *kidding*. > He them turned to the other three bots. "I may be > new to Mobius, but last time I checked, MIKE: [ Davey ] You're supposed to wear pants on your *legs*. > hazing is a felony." > "H-H-How'd you know?" TOM: [ Davey ] Er, lucky guess? > "About the hazing? Scratch, you're addressing someone with one arm in > cyberspace, MIKE: One arm in Topeka. > one eye in virtual reality! TOM: One eye off and one eye on. > Anything going through Mobius' > Information Superhighway I see and hear omnisciently! CROW: Ahem. Omniscient, adjective. Having universal knowledge or knowledge of all things; infinitely knowing. TOM: Anyone else see a discrepancy here? > Snivley can't even > sneeze without me noticing!! MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, there he goes now! > In fact, I knew where all four of you were the > moment I stepped in here, but I didn't want to make a scene!" ALL: Ri-i-ight. > "Whoa." "If 'Information is Power'. . . " CROW: Davey is wussier than Wesley Crusher? MIKE: I did that one earlier. > "Sacre Bleu Cheez! ALL: [ snicker ] > Hez an TOM: [ Antoine ] Fez! > electronic onmipath!" CROW: Huh, *onmi*path? > "Must be awfully crowded in his head." CROW: Let's just skip this one. > "So you think you're a god, eh?" ALL: [ Davey ] Yes. > Packbell's right arm morphs into a > gun. "Let's see you die and come back in three days!!" ALL: Yes, let's! > "Go lube yourself, Packie!" MIKE: Okay, now this definitely deserves an "Ew". ALL: Ewww! > Davey opened fire, TOM: Hey, when ya play with fire, yer gonna get BURNED!! CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh, FIRE!! > punching a hole in > Packbell's right arm, which MIKE: Shouted, "Owie owie owie!" > flowed back in one piece liquidly. "What the > phrack are you?! The T-1000?!?" TOM: "?!?"? CROW: Better than "_-_". TOM: [ spasms ] > "Who's the T-1000, rookie?" MIKE: It's Mr. T on steroids! TOM: [ Mr. T ] I *pity* the fool who tries to blast *my* arm! > CROW: A word of warning. > WARNING CROW: OK, I'm done. MIKE: Hey, you peeked! > --PACKBELL HAS TARGET LOCK TOM: OK, sure. > SWITCHING POWER RIFLE TO PATRIOT MODE CROW: Hey, yeah, it's "tar-and-feather mode". > > "Never mind. . ." > > Packbell opened with a barrage of laser fire at Davey, but his return > volley took out all of Packbell's shots before they reached a meter. ALL: [ snort ] MIKE: I wish we could figure out something to say besides snorting or snickering. CROW: Well, how 'bout: [ announcer ] And it's a volley to Packbell, who swings his racket, and-- wow! The ball flies past the net and right over Davey's head! MIKE: Good! CROW: Thanks. > ". . . Private joke." CROW: New Joke Lite(tm)! Not funny, but private, and it's better for you! > Packbell was impressed. "Your reaction time is non-existent, Dave. MIKE: Meaning he doesn't react. > Are you perhaps an android like myself?" TOM: [ Butthead ] Uh... I dunno. > "Only that anyone even partially robotic are, Packbell." MIKE: My head *really* hurts. > Davey set the > rifle on a magnetic strap on his holster belt. "But if you think that I was > created artificially, you are dead wrong." Borg TOM: I am Geraldo of Borg. On today's show, people who have been assimilated, and the women who love them. MIKE: I am Popeil of Borg. Get assimilated, while supplies last! CROW: I am Apple Newton of Borg. You w1l1 be assImiIated by an aut0mat1c hendwr1t1ng reoogn1ti0n 5ystam. > and droid charged each > other. "My heart is flesh." CROW: [ Davey ] It's all squishy. > Davey throws a punch into Packbell's guts. > "My spirit, human." An uppercut snaps back the head. TOM: Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots! > "And my mind. . . " > Davey lifts Packbell up high above MIKE: This blade of grass. > his head. "Beyond comprehension!" ALL: YA GOT THAT RIGHT!! > He > throws his victim into Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts. > > CURRENT POWER LEVELS INSUFFICIENT IN MIKE: Heating water to boiling point, then letting potatoes simmer. > NEUTRALIZING THREAT: > MORE POWER REQUIRED. ALL: [ Tim Allen ] More power! > NEAREST SOURCE: CROW: That big waffle over there. TOM: A power socket? MIKE: Ten bucks says he sticks his tongue in it. > SONIC'S POWER RING > > "Sonic," Davey shouts with a headlock on Packbell, "pass the ring!" CROW: [ grunting ] > Sonic reaches for the ring and fades back and forth, trying to find a > good throwing position. "No good, dude, I'm blocked." MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'm made completely of Legos! > "Try for a bank shot . . ." > Looking down, several paths were flashed CROW: Yick! > until one is decided on.> > ". . . Off the fountain, behind Antoine, between Scratch and Grounder, TOM: Over the arches, off Grimace's head... MIKE: Past the Rockies, under New York City... CROW: Up Davey's-- MIKE: CROW! > nothing but TOM: Nothing. > net!" > Sonic throws. CROW: Crow chucks. TOM: Tom tosses. MIKE: Mike messes. ALL: And all alliterate! > Packbell frees himself from Davey's hold. > Off the Fountain. Sonic gets sacked by Scratch. CROW: Sheesh. Sonic sucks in this story! And soon, SuperDavey saves his stupid spines. MIKE: [ claps ] CROW: [ bows ] Thank you, thank you. > Davey gives Packbell > a good hard kick in the crouch. MIKE: [ flinches ] CROW: So Packbell was squatting on the ground, waiting for Davey to kick him? TOM: He didn't actually mean "crouch" with a *u*. CROW: Ohhh. > Every male in the scene holds their own in CROW: Battle. > pain. TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh, that was cool. A robot got kicked in the nads, and a bunch of people grabbed their crotch. CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, yeah. It'd suck if it was us getting kicked, though. TOM: [ Butthead ] Heh, you got nothing to kick. CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, hm, yeh, uh... shut up, dumbass. > Behind Antoine. "Yiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!" "I got it!" "No, I got it!" TOM: Eeeyuck!! CROW: That is *disgusting*!! MIKE: Guys, they meant the Power Ring. The *Power* *Ring*! > Davey re-grabs his BOTS: Yuuck!! MIKE: POWER RING!! POWER RING!! > Power MIKE: See? Power Ring! > Rifle. MIKE: Oh. > Between Grounder . . . He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . . > Grounder's arm is shot off. CROW: [ flinches ] > . . . and Coconuts. He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . . Coconuts' > arm is shot off. TOM: ... and Tom. He can't reach for the ring... BLAM!... Tom's head explodes. MIKE: Don't even joke about that. > Davey scrambles to receive the ring. Packbell tries to block. Davey's > left arm gets in Packbell's face CROW: Man, Davey'd better not say "Bite me" right now! > as the right arm reaches out for the TOM: Baby wipes. MIKE: [ Dr. Peanut ] I could use a lot of these; I just smelled myself. CROW: You do his voice well. > magical golden hoop . . . CROW: You mean the Power Ring? MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions. TOM: I'm having a red emerald flashback. > ". . . and the catch is . . . . . " MIKE: Sucky? > "GOOD!!! ALRIGHT, BIG DADDY!! GO RAMS!! GO RAMS!!!" BOTS: GO RAM IT!! GO RAM IT!! > Nova. Packbell gets thrown back. The sound of a tornado. The fur a > fiery gold. The eyes a blinding CROW: Heh, get it, guys? Eyes? Blind? It's a joke! MIKE, TOM: Yeah, whatever. > white. CROW: The fart a tasty green. TOM: The corpse a bloody red. MIKE: The story a crap-filled brown. > > NECESSARY POWER LEVEL ACHIEVED > TARGETING PACKBELL..... MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, where'd he go? CROW: [ Sonic ] He's right behind you, waiting for you to finish. TOM: > > ALL: [ snort ] CROW: I don't believe this. It actually *is* Mortal Kombat. TOM: He's got the crummy spelling down. CROW: You mean "krummy". MIKE: And the unbelievably stupid characters. CROW: "Kharacters." > A chant of 'FINISH MIKE: The story, for crying out loud! CROW: "Krying". > HIM!' can be heard from the chanting crowd. > "SEE YOU IN HELL, PACKIE!" CROW: [ Packbell ] Not if I see you first. TOM: [ Packbell ] Oh, you will, believe me. > "oh, sh--" MIKE: --ut your trap, Davey? TOM: --oot, I forgot my capital O? CROW: --itake mushrooms? > Davey pulls the trigger. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: Um... MIKE: OK... TOM: Eh? > > Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts went to pieces in a lightning bolt half > a meter wide coming from that rifle. A burst of oil splattered the air in a > 5-meter cubic area. CROW: So Davey used a horizontal line to signify that, what, three seconds had passed? TOM: Something like that. > The crowd goes wild! ALL: [ apathetic ] Yaaay. > "Crockett Wins!!!! FATALITY!!!" TOM: Davey Crockett's Fatalities: The Crummy Fanfic. CROW: The Carnivorous Bunny Rabbit. MIKE: The Balloon Animals of Doom. TOM: The Paper Cut. CROW: The Sissy Slap. MIKE: And That Thing That He Does That Hurts. > "Crockett!!! > Crockett!!! Crockett!!!--" CROW: I'm gonna hurl. > "HOLD IT!!!" The crowd goes silent. MIKE: [ Davey ] I lost my contact lens! > "I missed one." Davey points > upward. TOM: [ splat ] MIKE: [ Davey ] Aah, my eye! > "Whiffer!" MIKE, CROW: Wizzer. > Packbell managed to leap to safety at the last nano-second. > "Man," Davey says through gritted teeth. "This one's good." TOM: Happy Days! MIKE, CROW: Boooo! > "As you are, Crockett!" Packbell fans his smoking rear end. "I > finally found a rebel worthy of my talent. CROW: He's a tennis player? TOM: A circus clown? MIKE: Ooh, I know! He owns a mental home! > We will meet again. . . to sing> MIKE: [ singing ] I'm giving you everything, all that joy can bring, this I swear... TOM: [ singing ] Any time I need to see your face I just close my eyes, and I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine, sweet like a chic-a-cherry-cola... CROW: [ singing ] MMMBop, dingy-dingy-dingy-dong, MMMBop, ooby-dooby-dibby- dabba... > . . . Davey, Davey Crockett, King of the ALL: CRAP!!! > Cyber Frontier. . . " > Packbell disappears from sight as Lutherain lands on Davey's shoulder. TOM: And picks him up to feed to his children back at the nest. MIKE: That's eagles. > *The one thing about that one, his ruthlessness knows no bounds. Don't > worry, you'll get another chance* CROW: *Yikes*! He's screaming now! MIKE: No, those are the new delimiters for telepathy. > *I'm counting on it, Luth.* Davey acknowledges the crowd. > "Da Winner, and New Champeen--Davey 'The Cyberfox' Crockett!!!" Sonic > gives him a high-five. TOM: Doesn't he only have four fingers? CROW: Actually, Sonic and Tails have five fingers, but everyone else has four. TOM: Oh. Thanks for the info, fanboy. CROW: Oh, well, that's quite all--HEY!! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOM: That was the longest page so far. CROW: Maybe the next one will be smaller. > Page 10 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Er, a big fat hen. > > Snivley saw the whole battle from his unbelievably large chair BOTS: How big was it?! MIKE: Unbelievably big! > in the > Robotroplis MIKE: Well, back to this again. > control room, including the onrushing lightning bolt that was TOM: Rayden's Fatality. > the last thing Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts saw. CROW: Breezy? MIKE, TOM: Huh? CROW: Never mind. > The monitors they used > to occupy are just white noise now. CROW: I think I have one of their CDs. > "Good Riddance," Snively said, shutting them off. TOM: I'll go along with that. > Then he turns to a CROW: Chicken, I tell you! A giant *chicken*!! > panel with a variety of levers and buttons labeled "Roboticizer Override." > He strums his fingers on it for a while. MIKE: [ whistles Turkey in the Straw ] > "What am I going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?" MIKE: Decapitation is always nice. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! > > Packbell took out whatever was the garbage man--I think it was a bear- TOM: Geez, the author's not even TRYING anymore! > with a head shot CROW: [ photographer ] That's great! Work with me, baby! Now a head shot... > and rummaged through the trash collectibles, throwing out > oil-soaked limbs of metal until he got to three CPU cards, MIKE: He misspelled M:TG. TOM: I counter. > one for each of > the three bots destroyed by Davey's super power shot. MIKE, CROW: Red Dragon Thunderzord Power! Hee hee... > The three chips were > barely functional, with a red LCD light flashing on and off showing that it CROW: Needs a coffee refill. > still has a glimmer of life back in it. TOM: Yeah, way back there, in the-- yeah, right there, see that shiny dot? That's a glimmer of life. Ri-i-ight. > "What am I going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?" MIKE: Then again, a nice powerful poison would really do the trick. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! > > When Davey gave Sonia the gift package of perfume, the girl hedgehog > thought that it was the nicest thing that ever happened to her. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Except for that great dream I had about Packbell blasting Davey with a black laser. > But then > she got close and smelled ALL: Umm... > android stench. TOM: From Chanel. > She growled in rage, "What am I > going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?" MIKE: Of course, you just can't beat the power of an AK-47. CROW: Is this repetition supposed to be funny? > "Yes, Honey," Davey said with a fake whine. "I had to fight with that > son of a MIKE: [ covers Crow's eyes and Tom's... uh... dome ] TOM: Hey! CROW: What? > bot, MIKE: Oh. Never mind. [ He moves his hands. ] > but I won, I'll tell you." TOM: Ah gar-on-tee! > "Dammit!" She pounds on Davey's roboticized part of his breast. BOTS: Ewww! CROW: He's got a robot breast?! > "Dammit-Dammit-Dammit!!! Why, you psycho fox?! He could have killed you!! > Why?!?" CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] Why did you have to survive?! > "He didn't kill me, Suni, as you can see. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] I know! Why not?! > Packbell must've burned you > badly, didn't he?" > "You don't know the half of it," Sonia collapses in tears into that > chest. Her mind races back. ALL: Go, Mind Racer, go, Mind Racer, go, Mind Racer, go! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! > > Brent. TOM: Brent Stonebutt. MIKE: Brent Stinkchest. CROW: Brent Rockgroin. > > Brent and me, CROW: What? TOM: Huh? MIKE: Oh, remember how Packbell was narrating a while ago? Now I think Sonia's talking. TOM: Thinking. CROW: [ at the same time as Tom ] Suni. MIKE: Whatever. > hiking to MIKE: Taco Bell! > Knothole. MIKE: That was my second guess. > > Brent and I being ambushed by Packbell. TOM: Pow! To the moon, Sonia! CROW: Suni. TOM: Whatever! > > Brent taking the fatal blow ment MIKE: --os freshness! > for me. > > Brent's last 'I love you'. CROW: Brent's fatal wedgie. > > Brent's last 'good-bye'. TOM: Brent's last "I let one". MIKE: Brent's last "Beef Chunkbuns". CROW: Brent's last "bite me". > > Brent's lifeless hand... CROW: Is it green and moldy? > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! MIKE: OK, that's more than enough of that. > > "That bastard's already killed every one of my loves, except you. I don't TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Love you, though. > want him to take you away too, Daviiie." MIKE: This fanfic is brought to you by the letters "I". > As Sonia sobs, Davey's mind flashes to a file he has in his RAM on her. CROW: He's been ramming her? MIKE: Crow! Yech! > It concerns a deceased squirrel named TOM: Hmm. Gee, lemme guess... Could it possibly be "Brent"? > Brent TOM: Aha! Brent! I told you! CROW: Wow, let's sign Tommy Boy up for the Psychic Network! > Packbell. BOTS: Su-u-ure. > He was as close to > Suni as Davey is now, MIKE: Yeah, see, just a couple of inches. > and the two were scheduled to be CROW: Ambushed by Packbell. No, wait! I meant, uh... > engaged CROW: Yeah, that's it! > when they > were journeying to Knothole to join Princess Sally's Freedom Fighters. Yet, > sadly, TOM: This fanfic was created. > that same android Davey just stared down attacked the couple en > route, and Brent was killed in the battle. > Suni just seemed to wilt afterward. She was very anti-social during CROW: Her entire life. > that time. Even Lutherain had trouble reaching her, and he's a telepath. TOM: Oh, yeah, Mr. High-and-Mighty Telepath! > It was not before this cyborg CROW: Yoda of Borg am I! Assimilated you will be! Futile resistance is, hmm? MIKE: I am Intel of Borg. You will be assimilated, but because other cybernetic entities have cloned us and done a better job of assimilating than we have, you will be renamed to Feablemystra Pro so we can trademark the name. TOM: I am Priest of Borg. Assimilate for your sins. > human that followed Sally home, BOTS: Can we keep him? MIKE: Who would want to? > who was TOM: Old, ugly, fat, and unliked universally. > destined to become the tall orange fox who is Davey Crockett, TOM: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Past. Who was? MIKE: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Present. Who is? CROW: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Future. Bite me. > when Boometia > Sonia Madilyn Hedgehog ALL: [ snort, snicker, chuckle ] MIKE: Oh, give me a break! TOM: "Boometia"?! CROW: No wonder she uses her middle name! > allowed her heart to trust anyone again. "I don't > know what you did to her but I can greatly appreciate it, David," Princess > Sally once said on the subject. "There seems to be a weight that lifts when > she's around you." MIKE: And then *slams* down over and over and over and over again!! > Davey held his temperamental CROW: --spazzy, annoying, irritating, mood-swinging-- > girlfriend tenderly and whispered into her > ear. "I was almost killed by somebody worse than Packbell in my world, and > I lived to tell about it. What makes you think that any bot, borg CROW: I am Cochrane of Borg. You will be assimilated, even if it won't fit. TOM: I am Rush Limbaugh of Borg. Liberals will be assimilated. MIKE: We are Doug and Bob McKenzie of Borg. You will be assimilated, then hosed, and then we'll all have a beer, eh? > , or droid TOM: [ R2D2 ] Bleep-bloop! > with a gun and an attitude can finish me off?" BOTS: We wish! > "D-David, I must know, d-do you like MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Ham? > me?" > "Of, course I like you, Sonia." CROW: [ Davey ] You suck, but everyone sucks except me, and you suck less than others do. > "No, not like that. I m-m-mean . . . do you really . . . like MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Ham? > me?" > "Oh," Davey pondered. CROW: [ Davey ] Ding! All done. MIKE: Guys? I think we need to talk. > His mind goes back to the times that he tried to > get a girlfriend, but due to his crappy social status on Earth, TOM: Ya got that right! CROW: About what? > no one of > the fairer sex wanted to be near him. CROW: Ya got that right too! MIKE: About our riffs on Davey. TOM: What? > All the good ones were taken by the > handsome, the strong, the lucky. CROW: Which he was not. MIKE: You're not listening. TOM: You want us to go easy on Davey? MIKE: Well, just a bit. > All that was left for him was the > wallflowers and the weirdos. CROW: Madonna! TOM: RuPaul! MIKE: Guys, c'mon. CROW: Why? MIKE: Well, we're being kind of harsh on him! I mean-- > Like the one who wanted him for sex and sex > alone; [ Everyone stares; for a few moments, no one speaks. Mike chuckles, then snickers, then bursts into laughter. The bots soon follow suit. ] > when he said that sex before marriage was just not his thing, she > dumped him and cried 'rape' on him. [ Everyone is still laughing loudly. ] > He's sell his soul to the devil for a > girl to say what Suni just said, honestly and without manipulation. [ Finally, Mike & the bots calm down. ] MIKE: Hoo boy! CROW: Oh man! TOM: Just when I thought this fanfic could NOT get any sillier! MIKE: OK, just forget what I was saying earlier. CROW: Done and done! > Fortunately for him, he had a discount in the offer; his soul didn't need to > be on the bargaining table-- MIKE: Satan rejected it anyway! CROW: [ deep, evil voice ] Excellent... I have taught you well. > just his left arm, and the dealer was a > squirrel. "Sonia, my dear. I have never had a girlfriend in seven years. MIKE: What, he had a girlfriend until he was a teenager? TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Maybe there's a reason for it, know what I mean, nudge nudge, *stink* *stink*?! > Trust me on this: CROW: [ Nixon ] I am not a crook. > It's love. I might be a little too quick CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] Yeah, especially in-- [ Crow doesn't finish. Mike elbows him in the beak, spinning his head around and around... ] MIKE: Never ever *EVER* make a joke like that again. TOM: Eeugh! > on this--" > Suni looked into his eyes and began to MIKE: Puke! > sparkle--all over her body. The > stardust began to surround him too, lifting them up in the air. A 'poof,' TOM: And who caused this poof? ALL: The Amazing Rando! > and then, Sonia was dressed up as ALL: Elvis! > a medieval princess, cone hat and all. CROW: [ monotone ] We are Conehats. We come from France. > Davey's clothes were changed too, into something that resembled what King > Acorn wore. TOM: A nice pink ballet tutu. > "The Stardusrince," CROW: Gesundheit? MIKE: Actually, no. > Sonia said, the word flowing like the water off a MIKE: Anything to say, Crow? CROW: Uh, well, no. > water > fall."It means TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Bite Me. CROW: Oh, really original. TOM: Three words. "Pot". "Kettle". "Black". CROW: If Mike wasn't between us, you'd be scrap metal. > 'Love Dance'. You, Davey Crockett, ALL: [ singing ] King of the CRAP Frontier! > courier of the Royal House > of Acorn, MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Really suck. > have won my heart. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] At a carnival game. > I, Commadress Wizard Boometia Sonia Madylin of MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] The People with Moronic Names Club. > the Regal House of TOM: Stuff. CROW: Thingies. > Hedgehog, MIKE: Oh, *Spiny* Thingies. > love you with all my heart, soul, and body." CROW: And waffles. MIKE: And neck brace. TOM: And butt. CROW: And silly first name. MIKE: And... oh, ah, pass. TOM: And caramel Twixes. > Neither one could stand MIKE: So they both fell down. > the tention CROW: Hey, Mike, what's fivetion plus fivetion? MIKE: I guess tention. CROW: You're welcome! Wait, that doesn't work... > at the moment. TOM: So... MIKE: [ falls over ] CROW: Wha? MIKE: Sorry. Couldn't stand the tension. CROW: D'oh! > Davey brought Suni up TOM: From when she was just a child. > with lighting speed CROW: Blacklight? TOM: Flourescent? > and pressed his mouth against hers. CROW: Eeeww!! TOM: Hide me!! MIKE: This is almost as bad as that scene in "The Eye of Argon" with the fat guy and the babe. CROW: I still don't understand how she could be slender and busty at once! > His warm lips > encased her own, MIKE: Yep, this *is* the scene in "The Eye of Argon". > filling her being CROW: Oh, a self-service station of lo-o-ove! > with TOM: Sausage patties! MIKE: Egg McMuffins! > joy and excitement. TOM: And sausage patties. MIKE: And Egg McMuffins. > Never have > either of them kissed like this! CROW: Y'know, you could leave out the last two words and that sentence would still be totally accurate! MIKE: Hm. TOM: True. > Only pure love could house such a > passionate embrace. MIKE: But Motel 6 comes darned close. > Energy flowed from this kiss, soft and tender. [ A glowing yellow blob of something bounces into the theater. ] TOM: What's that? MIKE: [ takes the blob ] Well, it's soft and tender. My guess? Flowing energy. > Oh, how > they wish to let all of Mobius melt away just for the two lovebirds to stay > like this forever, in each others arms and thoughts... MIKE: It kinda gets you right here. [ points to his heart ] CROW: Yeah, it's getting me right about here! [ points to his stomach (or where it would be, if he was human) ] > Despite the fact that > Sally entered the scene to ask for Davey again. She had the manners to wait > for the lovebirds to pry themselves off each other CROW: You get the feeling that this is... oh, I dunno... wrong? TOM: In many ways, my friend. Many ways. > this time. Besides, > Davey flashed "Can it wait, Sal?" on his holographic monitor. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > MIKE: [ high-pitched ] I must run away! CROW: Huh? MIKE: You know, "Mind Your Manners with Billy Quan"? CROW: Nope. MIKE: "Bricks of Fury"? CROW: Nuh-uh. MIKE: Haven't you ever seen Bill Nye? CROW: No. MIKE: You don't know what you're missing. TOM: [ Billy Quan ] Remember, kids--be like Billy! Know your momentum! [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 4 of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com -or- gleemoth@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------