------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com) Part 6 of 9 [ INT SOL. Tom is pushing buttons on a desk lamp. A clipboard is on the desk, he has a pencil in his mouth, and a microphone is set up in front of the lamp's bulb. He's wearing a lab coat. ] TOM: [ slightly muffled ] Hmm. Well I suppose it's time to try full power. [ He flips a switch, and the lamp flashes on. ] Drat! Nothing! [ He writes something on the clipboard. ] [ At this point, Crow walks in. Hmm. How to explain? Well, he's got red- orangeish fur, little teeth attached to his beak, and pointed ears on his head. ] CROW: Hey, Tom. TOM: Oh, hello, Crow. I've been doing some tests on this lamp, and all of my tests prove negative. Allowing for the noise the lamp makes when functioning, I can't find any way that light makes the slightest noise, much less enough noise to drown out anyone's speech. CROW: I'm a fox. TOM: [ looks up ] YAAIGH!! [ falls backward, with a crashing noise ] MIKE: [ off-screen, loudly ] What was that? [ much louder crashing noise, like a large machine vaguely resembling an Apple ][ falling to the ground ] TOM: Oooh... MIKE: [ runs on-screen ] What's going on here? I heard a scream, and a crash, and [ notices Crow ] WAAAUGH!! EVIL!! CROW: I've turned into a fox, Mike. TOM: [ gets back up ] Crow, you scared me! This isn't funny! MIKE: Yeah, I thought Davey had gotten up here for a second! CROW: No, I'm a fox! I went down to visit the Power Ring Pool, and I grabbed a power ring, and the next thing I know, I'm a red fox. MIKE: Mm-hmm. Well, you made me smash my machine! Now how am I going to stop Davey? TOM: Let's check down there and see. MIKE: Well, OK. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] Hello? [ Mobius. Pearl, Davey, and Observer are sitting on the log mentioned earlier. Bobo is nowhere nearby. ] DAVEY: I dunno, I just don't think I can *be* evil! I wasn't written that way! PEARL: Hmm. I have the solution. Brain Guy? OBSERVER: Oh, of course. [ He does the Observer brain effect. Davey starts to scream. ] [ SOL ] MIKE: My god, what are you doing to him? [ Mobius ] PEARL: We're running the entire Blood and Metal series through his brain. OBSERVER: BaM Alpha, Beta, Restart, and 3D, five hundred times in thirty seconds. DAVEY: OK, I'm evil now. [ SOL ] ALL: Eww. [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] MIKE: Oh, we got Self-Insertion Sign! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. Crow's fox outline is visible. ] > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 14 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Nope, ain't gonna do it, nope, nope. > > It was during the time spent tracking Packbell between Robotroplis and the > Great Jungle TOM: What about the Great Forest? He hasn't mentioned that. MIKE: I think he's mistaking a forest for a jungle. > that Sonic and Tails had their little talk: CROW: Oh great, here we go with The Talk. > "I feel alone, Sonic. :::Looks down, drags tails, kicks a rock::: TOM: Oh, man, he's using AOL-IM-style actions! MIKE: Can't he just stop the speech for a *moment* to describe an action? > Like I > don't belong here." MIKE: [ Tails ] Like I belong on Mars. > "What are you talking about?! About half of the Freedom Fighters are CROW: [ Sonic ] Morons. TOM: And the others are, like, dumb. > foxes!" TOM: That's the truth. CROW: They need a more varied attack force. > "I know, but how many have two tails? MIKE: Half of them. > :::Points behind him::: I'm a freak, > Sonic." CROW: Yeah. So? MIKE: Crow, you're being insensitive. CROW: So? MIKE: Never mind. > "You're 12 now, so I know what you're going through." CROW: Wait, wait, since when is he 12? I thought he was 10! TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Bite me! > "You don't understand." MIKE: [ Tails ] You're just a doody-head. [ sucks thumb ] > "But I do! Every pre-teen goes through this stage of self-depreciation." TOM: So the accountant says, "You're so accrual, you don't depreciate me anymore!" CROW: This has been "Inside Joke Theater 3000". > ":::Looks surprised::: What?!" MIKE: [ Tails ] You're nuts! > "You going through a phase TOM: Shift? MIKE: Oh yeah, you going through a phase! You going, you going, you going through a phase! > where one special thing about you makes a bad CROW: Smell. > impression TOM: Like Crow's impression of a fox. > on you, and you start to despise it. MIKE: Hate it, even! > Some people don't get out of CROW: Jail free. > this phase, and become TOM: Really, really irritating. > mentally-impaired, so to speak. CROW: Know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink? > Those who make it out MIKE: Get Boardwalk *and* Park Place! > don't worry about appearance, for they know TOM: It's not whether you win or lose... > it's not the most important > thing. CROW: Appearance *is* the most important thing! Death to ugly people! MIKE: Crow!! > My phase was on my TOM: [ Sonic ] Lack of pants. > quills. :::Runs his fingers through his spines::: ALL: Ow! Ooch! Eek! Yow! Ouch! > I hated them! They were too sharp, CROW: Sharper than Sonic, I'll bet. TOM: Hee hee! > they were ugly in my eyes, MIKE: Spines in his *eyes*?! Gimme a break. > and people > found it easy to CROW: [ Sonic ] Trip me. > put rude remarks on my back. TOM: Such as "Get Bent"! CROW: "Bite Me"! MIKE: And "Zark Off"! > :::Sally sneaks up behind him > and MIKE: Impales herself on his spines. > sticks a note saying CROW: Heave a rock at me. > 'Kick Me' in the back fin::: TOM: Is he a hedgehog or a fish? > I tried to shave them > off, but MIKE: [ Sonic ] My razor broke. > Uncle Chuck stopped me. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] You eediot! > I learned to like them. They were > aerodynamically correct for my speed. CROW: They make excellent butter knives! > They help me in turns. TOM: They freshen your breath and whiten your teeth as you sleep! > They become > lethal weapons when I spun. MIKE: They're great as a between-meal snack! > But, most of all, I learned to think they made > me TOM: More annoying than ever! > handsome." > "They do!" > "See! What you have to do is think of the good things of MIKE: Roger Corman! > those tails. > :::Points to the twin brushes:::" > "Thanks, Sonic. But you don't sound like yourself! Are you CROW: An idiot? > sick?" > "Naah. Missions like these are like long bus trips. CROW: People throw spitballs... MIKE: Some smart-alec freedom fighter moons a passing SWATbot patrol... TOM: Yeah, it's a lot like a long bus trip. > Everyone shows their > dark side. CROW: [ Darth Vader ] I find your lack of faith disturbing. > Look over there! TOM: [ Sonic ] A big ugly monster! > :::Notices note, rips it off::: Sal's become a CROW: [ Sonic ] Bitch. MIKE: Crow! > major trickster. And Davey's writin' poetry. CROW: Roezuz aar rehd, Vylits aar bloo, Eye kin spel reel gud, End ryme gud--as well. > Bunnie's real tired. All the > time! TOM: Every night and every day! > :::Bunnie yawns and leans on Antoine::: Antoine's acting cool. CROW: Yeah right! > That's MIKE: Silly! > acting! You're growing up, and I'm getting wiser. We've all become our > opposites. CROW: Oh, it's like that one comic where their evil duplicates take their place! TOM: F... no, it's redundant. > Don't worry, though. It'll wear off after the mission's over." MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'll get stupid, you'll get younger, Bunnie'll get hyper, Antoine won't be cool, Sally'll get all serious, and Davey will throw out his poetry. Ya catch all that? > "Cool, Sonic. Thanks!" TOM: [ Tails ] I wanna get younger! > That was when the team got E-Mailed by Uncle Chuck. CROW: Oh, it was, was it? > It was tonight that > they're gonna act, TOM: [ shakes for a few seconds ] > and they are to return to base for final instructions. > As Tails went, he called up one of the poems Davey transferred into his > wrist computer: MIKE: This is the first sentence of my poem. This is the second sentence of my poem, which came after the first sentence of my poem. This is the third sentence of my poem, which came after the second sentence of my poem, which came after the first sentence of my poem. This is-- BOTS: ENOUGH!! > MIKE: Here it comes, guys, Davey's feeble attempt at poetry. CROW: May I slit my wrists? MIKE: What wrists? > Went into Cyberspace amped MIKE: And it's a cyberpunk poem. TOM: Got any cyanide? MIKE: Sorry, no. Brain Guy confiscated it all. > Input to the max CROW: [ rapid-fire typing sounds ] > I was going for total meltdown TOM: [ explosion sounds ] > > Direct feed MIKE: I'm hungry! CROW: Well, let's set up a direct feed! > No buffer TOM: Just a bumper. CROW: And a buncher. > I charge like a hotline to God MIKE: [ God ] Not now! I'm watching Baywatch. > > Zipzip ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: "Zipzip"?! CROW: Gimme a break. > flash slickbright ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: "Slickbright"?! > chrome ripping BOTS: One. > through > the Matrix MIKE: Davey reads too many Shadowrun books. CROW: He's probably only seen the video games. > at supersonic speed > > Neural feedback hit CROW: I'd like to hit this guy. > Metabolic overload back in the Meatware TOM: Is that a new-age restaurant? MIKE: A 90's rock singer? > Fevered tissues aflame with MIKE: Heartburn. > data CROW: You might wanna take something for that. > > I was burning CROW: Or that. > Liquid metal comet MIKE: Oh great. Sephiroth's back, and he's showing no mercy. > boiling TOM: Oiling. > the data flow plume CROW: Cyber-peacock! > of binary stream TOM: 010010000100010101011001010000110101001001001111010101110101011101001000 010110010100010001001001010001000101010001001000010001010100001001001001 010011100100000101010010010110010101001101010100010100100100010101000001 010011010100001101010010010011110101001101010011010101000100100001000101 01010010010011110100000101000100 CROW: 010010010100010001010101010011100100111001001111010101110100100001011001 TOM: 010010010101010001000100010010010100010001001110010101000100100101010100 010100110100000101010011010101000101001001000101010000010100110101011001 010000010100010001010101010011010100110101011001 BOTS: [ chuckle ] MIKE: I don't get you. > > They could see me all > the way to Chiba City MIKE: Let's review, shall we? We've had Duke Nukem 3D... TOM: Mortal Kombat... CROW: Shadowrun... MIKE: Any guesses as to what Davey-boy'll rip off of next? TOM: Star Wars? CROW: Star Trek? TOM: Sailor Moon. CROW: Chip & Dale. > All the way to orbit CROW: I'd like to send *him* into orbit. > > Quicksilver TOM: Isn't that poisonous? > tsunami of MIKE: Soda pop! > thermonuclear CROW: Coke! > wildfire MIKE: Foxfire. TOM: Wildfire. MIKE: Foxfire. TOM: Wildfire! MIKE: Foxfire! > Never been anything like me MIKE: Davey, *nothing* is like you. > > Keep Cyberjocks talking for years CROW: [ cyberjock ] Man, what a geek. TOM: [ cyberjock ] Totally. > I was it, man CROW: [ Davey ] Crap. > History TOM: We wouldn't be so lucky! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 15 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: I'll catch up after the teens. CROW: There's only 20 pages. MIKE: Oh. TOM: Did you peek ahead again?! CROW: Well, yeah. > > "Me? A poet. MIKE: [ Davey ] And I don't know it! > I can't believe it." MIKE: I was close. > "Well, Sonny, that's what happens when you surf data for 12 days straight. TOM: [ speaker ] You die of dehydration and starvation. MIKE: 12 days?! > You even sleep jacked in. CROW: And jacked off. > I don't think you had a normal night's sleep all > this time." MIKE: Odd. I get a normal night's sleep every day. TOM: Well, I can see--what?! > The other Freedom Fighters enter the room at this point. Bunnie CROW: Brought in her parents' heads on a platter. > fell unconscious on the meeting table. "Ah, glad you're here. TOM: [ speaker ] Kinda. > Have a . . . MIKE: [ speaker ] English muffin. > seat. Well, we all realize by now that Snivley and Packbell has created an MIKE: Automatic Macarena-dancing robot! BOTS: Noooooo!! > auto-automation of Robotnik." CROW: Attributions, PLEASE?! > "Yeah," Sonic said, CROW: Thank you. > "guess life's much too quiet for them without Bubberbutt ALL: "Bubberbutt"?! [ laugh loudly ] MIKE: Man, this fanfic has the funniest errors I've ever seen! > around" > "Of course," Sally adds sarcastically. TOM: So Sonic wasn't being sarcastic? MIKE: No, author-boy just forgot. > "But now they should realize that we can't make their lives easy for them." CROW: [ speaker ] Otherwise, they'll never learn anything. > "Davey here plans to take this fake Julian out, ALL: [ singing ] To the ball game... > deroboticize me, TOM: But I thought that they stayed robots, but they just looked real! CROW: Yeah, well, in author-boy's world, those two things are meshed. > and destroy > this Roboticizer Override they have as an ace in the hole. TOM: FIRE IN THE ACE!! Wait, no. > It's a device > that MIKE: Goes "ping"! > sets everyone who's roboticized--including myself and Mr. Crockett--to MIKE: PBS! CROW: What a cruel fate. > self-destruct." ALL: YYYEEESSS!!! MIKE: Your insensitivity is rubbing off on me. BOTS: So? > " . . . man," Sonic was shocked at the news. ALL: > The thought of seeing his uncle > die very violently and without any way to stop it was almost too much. MIKE: Yeah, it's too much for us too. CROW: [ wearing a party hat ] You say something, Mike? MIKE: Aaargh... > It showed in Davey's face as well. TOM: A figgy pudding. > "Fortunately, everything's centrally > located in CROW: Marseilles. > Main Roboticizer #2, MIKE: Rocket #9? > so I can take care of it all in one shot. TOM: [ Canadian ] Yah, just one shot, eh? Just "BLAM" and it's all over, ya hosers. MIKE: Note: no offense is intended toward Canadians, hosers, or the letters B, L, A, and M. > Good thing too. . . " CROW: [ Davey ] Don't know why... > His eyes betrayed the terror he's feeling TOM: Gack. Gaack. > as his voice > begins to wane. MIKE: It wanes when it waxes and waxes when it wanes. > ". . . the sooner that override . . . gets off-line . . .the CROW: Bigger they fall! Wait... that's not right... > better I-I-I-I-I . . . feel . . . " He began to gasp for air. MIKE: Heart attack! > "Yo, TOM: Dude, homie, word! > Big Daddy, ALL: Ewwww!! > what's wrong?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh, my heart just stopped. No big deal. > "o-o-oh, it's nothing, sonic. . . " MIKE: [ Davey ] Yeah, I'm sure my heart will start beating again any minute now. > "Notheeng my tail, CROW: He doesn't have a tail! > Mon Ami. TOM: That's the company that made the Ninja Turtles video games, isn't it? MIKE: You're thinking of Konami. > You are terrified. It's about ze robot arm or MIKE: [ Antoine ] Or something else. CROW: Brilliant deduction. > yairs, CROW: [ Carl Sagan ] Billyuns and billyuns of yairs! > eesn't it?" TOM: [ Ren Hoek ] You eediot? > "I-I-I-I . . I don't want my . . . feelings to . . . jeopardize . . ." MIKE: What is "characterization", Alex? TOM: What is "overdone drama"? > "It's alright, sonny." CROW: [ speaker ] We know you're a wuss. Just let it all out. > Davey leaned back on his chair, away from the huddle, as he gasped for more MIKE: Snickers bars. > air. His face was hot and red, his mouth dry, his eyes shut tight. ALL: Ewww! TOM: He's got some sort of deadly disease of doom! > Bunnie yawns. "What's wrong with Davey Dear? He looks as if he saw a ghost." CROW: And not Casper, either! > Chuck went to Bunnie and whispers to her. "He just found out that he's not > in a video game after all." TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] The jerk. > Sally went up to her oversized Freedom Fighter and held his head in her > arms. CROW: In a half-nelson. MIKE: Heeeey. > Having learned more than she cared to know about Davey's left arm, she MIKE: Wrote a book! > expected him to be a little shaken up on it. She notes about it every now > and then in her diary. . . MIKE: "Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Davey's Arm". > "While the normal roboticized Mobian would wonder what they did to deserve TOM: The name "Mobian". I mean, isn't it just a silly name? CROW: Well, yeah. > such a fate--at least Bunnie accepted hers--Davey Crockett actually believes MIKE: [ Sally ] In the tooth fairy. What a dweeb, eh? > that getting roboticized was the best thing that ever happened to him. And CROW: [ Sally ] It is! I mean, he gets cable! > since he's an amputee, it probably is. . . " > "I gained so much with my new arm, princess. . . " Davey said as he looked TOM: Up Robotnik's phone number to TELL HIM OFF! > directly into her eyes. "I don't want to have it taken away." CROW: We do, 'cause it'd end the story. MIKE: No, then there'd be a sequel about how he tries to get it back. CROW: Damn, we just can't win! > "And it won't Davey." Uncle Chuck joined in, MIKE: Playing Turkey in the Straw. > placing his arm on Davey's > shoulders. A clang of metal hitting metal. CROW: A splat of vomit hitting pavement. > "We've got a plan." TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] Now, we send Davey in to beat everyone up and make smarmy comments, Bunnie says something with that accent, Sonic and Knuckles get into a fight, and in the confusion I slip in and do whatever it is we need to do. > He then turns > to Tails. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] And he gets blasted by a stray laser. MIKE, CROW: [ crowd ] Yay. > "I'll need your computer, Tails." CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] This is a stick-up. > Tails held up his arm. His wrist com, named MIKE: Bill! TOM: Twin! CROW: HAL 9000! > Miles, powered up. ALL: Miles? MIKE: Oh please. > "I've got here the blueprints to the override." TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] Yep, right here, right in my, er, oh, great, where'd they...? > Uncle Chuck transfers the > data. "I need you to get inside the panel and deactivate it from inside." > "How would I know which wires to yank out?" TOM: The red one. It's always the red one. > "Here," Davey hands Tails a headset monitor. "This'll give you a Virtual > Reality view of MIKE: [ Davey ] Your Tomb Raider game. CROW: [ Tails ] Mmm... Lara Croft... Drool... > the schematics, and will show you what to do." > "Cool." CROW: [ Tails ] Lara's a babe. > "Davey, you've already programmed the Roboticizer, TOM: Whaat? MIKE: Since when? > so you can operate it on > me. I've also gave you a full load BOTS: Ewwww! > in your Power Rifle, in case that fake > Robotnik shows up." MIKE: Spraying pus as he goes! > "Will do." TOM: Roger Will do! > "Sonic and Sally, you two can run interference to get the heat off us, CROW: [ speaker ] And bring in some ice cream, would ya? > Bunnie?" ALL: [ various shouts of "Bunnie?" "Yoo-hoo?" and "Where'd she go?" ] > Bunnie was sound asleep on the far end of the table. ALL: Oh. > "Er, Antoine, would you take Bunnie back to Knothole, and get us some CROW: Cheese. > backup." TOM: Backup cheese. > "Oui" TOM: What about us? CROW: In public?! Isn't there a bathroom? > "And here, Ant." Davey tosses him a portable holographic projector. CROW: Where's Davey getting all this mechanical crap? MIKE: His magical sack. > "I'll be > putting out a live feed of Uncle Chuck's deroboticization. MIKE: [ Davey ] And it'll be pay-per-view. > I want to put > this whole planet on notice that their liberation is at hand." TOM: And the Vogons are scheduled to blow it up. > "Sacre bleu cheese!! Misu Crockett!! This is crazee!!" > "Yeah, Antoine. Crazy. Like a fox!" CROW: In socks on box of clocks eating lox! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 16 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: Hey, I just got an E-mail! MIKE: Not spam? CROW: No, it's the Top Ten Changes to NASA to Accommodate 76 Year old John Glenn's return to Space aboard the Shuttle Discovery! TOM: Mouthful! MIKE: So what are they? CROW: 10. All devices now operated by the Clapper. 9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees. 8. Shuffleboard installed in cargo bay. 7. "Early Bird" specials included on menu. 6. One monitor specifically designated for "Matlock." 5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship. 4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour. 3. A new bifocal windshield. 2. Space pants now go up to armpits. 1. Left blinker left on for entire mission. MIKE, TOM: [ laugh ] > > The "Hedgehog--Priority One" light CROW: When the light goes on, please fasten your Hedgehog--Priority One. > went on in the command chamber. > "I guess it's 'Game On,' isn't it, Snivley?" MIKE: Now where's the reset button? CROW: I'd settle for permanent pause. > "Yessir, Doctor Robotnik. You think that Davey Crockett will--" TOM: [ Snively ] Cut me off in the middle of my-- > "Of course. Does he think for a second that he can reprogram a > roboticizer and send a video link to Knothole, and not have me notice?" MIKE: [ Snively ] Well, you are a fairly poor excuse for a bad guy. > Robotnik gets up, allowing silver goo to drip down his arm. ALL: Ewwwww!! > "Oh course, you don't think that he would--" > "Oh, I think he will, Snivley. He might get away with deroboticizing > Uncle Chuck, but I don't think that he'll get any father. You see, TOM: [ Robotnik ] He's adopted. > I did a > DNA scan on Davey Crockett, CROW: Why?! > and I must say, I was surprised by what I've > found." MIKE: He's got the gene for dog breath. Why is that? > "W-What did you find, Master?" TOM: [ Torgo ] i TAke cArE OF ThE pLacE wHIlE tHe mASTer iS AwAy. > He opened his mouth as if to speak, but then . . . CROW: He melted. > "Oh, I think I'll > leave you in suspense for a while." CROW: How do you leave a human in suspense? MIKE: How? CROW: I'll tell you tomorrow!! Ha ha ha... > He headed out the door. "But I will > tell you this." He turned back to Snivley as the doors close between them. MIKE: It was Maggie. Maggie Simpson! TOM: So much for suspense. > "Davey looks like me for a reason." TOM: [ desperately ] They're the same person! Davey fights bots, then runs in-- MIKE: No, Tom. TOM: --takes off his super-steel-grip girdle-- MIKE: Tom, no! TOM: --and then goes to fight... as... evil... [ breaks down into sobs ] MIKE: There, there, it's okay. TOM: Aaargh! There is nothing happening! People are just talking and talking about uninteresting things, and the only "action", if you can call it that, is an irritating 20-year-old blasting robots!! MIKE: It's okay. Don't worry. Something *has* to happen that's interesting soon. TOM: really? MIKE: I hope so. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Programming those Swats to escort us to the Roboticizer's a nice > touch, Uncle Davey." CROW: Oh, so he's cyberomnipotent. That's just peachy. > "Hey, we had to get in there nice and easy." Davey opens up a panel in > the wall. "Here's your way in. The Override's at the other side." TOM: Of what?! > "I see it, and the VR's kicking in." MIKE: [ speaker ] Soon I'll be numb to all feeling. There we go. > "Good. Do me a favor and do it as soon as you can. Okay, Prower?" > "Will do!." Tails gave Davey the Thumbs Up, CROW: A fight erupted and they all were killed. The end. MIKE: You skipped a step there. CROW: I don't want it to take any longer than necessary. > then ducked in. > "Well, arrrrrrrrrrrighty then. MIKE: No, that's "A-a-a-al-l-l righty then". > It's you and me now, Sir Charles." > "The roboticizer's over here." CROW: [ Davey ] Where? Oof! Oh, there! > The two went into the chamber. TOM: So they're both getting roboticized? > Davey looked at the controls. ALL: Du-u-uh... > "Biological lock keyed to Robotnik's DNA? Phrack it!" MIKE: Okay. Phrack you, lock! Phrack phrack phrack phrack phrack!! > Ten seconds with the Data Spear, and the lock was bypassed. The > control panel pops out. ALL: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!! > "My programming's still here. Goody. You may TOM: [ Davey ] Kiss my programming. > assume the position, > Chuckie." ALL: Ewwwww!! > Chuck stepped into the tube. The tube slides down. ALL: Oh. > "Gotta wait a bit for the 'cizer to power up. ET's about 30 seconds on > the 'cizer, 25 on the override. Live feed's going smoothly. How things > going, Knothole. Hiya, Suni!" TOM: He's nuts. Talking to no one. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Everyone who wasn't involved in the extraction team was glued to the > monitor that Antoine connected the live feed into. TOM: Oh. He's still nuts, though. CROW: Well, that goes without saying. > Sonia was sitting at the > front, with a diet coke in one hand and a chili dog in the other. MIKE: Pig! CROW: No, hog. MIKE, TOM: > Several > others were making a similar event out of it. ALL: Packers! Wooooo!! TOM: Go! Go! Go! Go! MIKE: Packers rule! > Soft drinks and snacks were > flying everywhere. ALL: FOOOOOD FIIIIIGHT!! > "You all are probably wondering why I'm letting you all ride shotgun > with me. I guess it's my need to flick the bird at Robatsy in public. King > Acorn has sent me to your planet to TOM: [ Davey ] Share with you my Vienna sausage! > wreck Robotnik's world. Byte by byte, > brick by brick, MIKE: [ singing ] No matter how thin, no matter how thick! TOM: That was obscure. CROW: I don't get it. > and bot by bot. I'm gonna drive it all down into the > shocking bedrock, man. And when I'm done, and I have that bloated piece of TOM: Spam! CROW: [ singing ] Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam! > excrement at my feet, begging that I put that reason why abortion is legal > in my world ALL: What?! MIKE: So you can abort old ugly fat people in his world? > out of his misery, orrrrr, MIKE: [ pirate ] I'll steal his gold and make him walk the plank, arrrrr. > maybe I will let him die. Or maybe > I'll roboticize that bastard, just to show him what it's like--" CROW: Probably not nice. > Davey looks off camera and notices someone off camera, hiding in the > shadows. TOM: And... > He flipped on the house lights. TOM: Ignores the person hiding. MIKE: To scare off burglars. > "Eh, what's up . . . Doc?" CROW: [ Davey ] I always wanted to say that. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "I always wanted to say that," CROW: D'oh! > Davey quirks to Chuck. TOM: How do you quirk?! > 25 seconds til > power-up. MIKE: Of what? > 10 on Tail's ET. MIKE: Until what? > Man, The Heartbreak Kit's doing good. MIKE: How?! > Still, > Davey needs to stall for more time. MIKE: Why?! Please explain SOMETHING!! > Robotnik's robot arm reaches for the > override switch. TOM: Now *this* we understand. ALL: Do it! Do it! Do it! > Davey reaches for the roboticizer switch. TOM: OK, so he's gonna roboticize Charles/Chuck. MIKE: To make his robot body realistic, yeah. CROW: Look, why bother to try to understand it? TOM: You wouldn't understand. > 23 seconds on the 'cizer. TOM: I think that must be Chuck's time. MIKE: Yeah, now I remember Davey saying something about it powering up. > Tails' time's stuck at 10. MIKE: To find the wire for the override-- TOM: And cut it off! MIKE, TOM: Yeah! We understand the plot! MIKE: [ holds up his hand ] High five! No, wait. CROW: I'll never understand *you*. > Damn. TOM: [ triumphantly ] Because Tails isn't any closer to finding the right wire. MIKE: It's great to know what's going on. > "Dueling with machines. How novel, Crockett. Honestly, do you think > you can flip that switch before I take out your arm?" CROW: Well, he could just PULL THE SWITCH NOW. MIKE: No, the roboticizer hasn't yet powered up. CROW: Maybe I *should* try to understand things. > "I dunno, Robuttnik. TOM: [ Davey ] I can't count. > I've reprogrammed that Roboticizer, MIKE: [ Observer ] I did it in several seconds with my mind. > I could've > done the same with the override." CROW: [ Davey ] What it all boils down to is: do ya feel lucky, punk? > Roboticizer: 17 seconds; Tails: 7. TOM: Dolphins 21, Chargers 8. > "You didn't have the time, mister. MIKE: Now go to your room! You're grounded! > The ICE would've gotten you for > sure." TOM: [ Davey ] Eh, ICE, shmICE. > "Julian, I've been in cyberspace for two--" CROW: [ Davey ] Minutes. > "WHATTT!!!!" MIKE: [ Robotnik ] I can save *how* *much* by dialing 10-321?! > Roboticizer at 10, Tails at 5. "How did you know my CROW: [ Robotnik ] Fondness for chili? > name?!?!" MIKE: Sheesh, it's not like you keep it a well-hidden secret! > A pause-- TOM: [ Robotnik ] I wonder why I haven't pulled the override lever yet. Oh well, I suppose there must be some good reason. > Roboticizer at 5, Tails at 3. "Oh yeah, TOM: [ Robotnik ] Even the non-fanboy MSTies know my name. CROW: Hey! > King Acorn sent > you did he?" Roboticizer at 4,Tails at 2. "No matter, I know what to do CROW: With some soiled pants! > with His Highness' 'care package'. . . " Roboticizer at 3, Tails at 1. > Robotnik threw the switch. MIKE: [ Robotnik ] FETCH! > A faint sound of a wire being ripped out. CROW: So... > And nothing more. Roboticizer at 1. TOM: And Tails at -1, I guess. > Robotnik angrily glared at the switch and jammed it a half dozen times. > A splash of silver spurted out with each jam. ALL: Ewwwwww!! > "Game Over." Davey slowly pulled his switch. Uncle Chuck was bathed > in blue light. ALL: Shi-i-iny-y-y. > "How can this BE!" MIKE: A huge pile of plot contrivances. Don't even try; you're outnumbered. > He kept jamming on that lever until his left arm > fell off, ALL: Ewwwwwww!! > spilling another gallon of silver. "That Roboticizer Override's > cost a million Mobians!!!" CROW: [ Robotnik ] Bob, Stan, Mike, Jon, Kenny, Ringo, George, Jamal, Paul, that one weird gooey guy... > "Now, Tails!" MIKE: But, didn't he already? > A panel was kicked out, and Robotnik realized that Davey had an ace in > the hole. CROW: ACE IN THE FIRE!!! No, wait. > "You snooze, you lose, Robuttnik. You need this one Mobian wire TOM: Just this ONE Mobian wire, no other. > to get it to work, and I just yanked it out as you were pulling the switch." MIKE: As opposed to *before* you pulled it, which would be the intelligent plan. > Now would be a good time to play his own ace, while the live feed was > still on-line. MIKE: I bid 20. CROW: I see your 20 and raise to 30. TOM: I fold. Pot's too high for my taste. > Robotnik tried to clap his one remaining hand, but all he > could do is pound the floor. MIKE: So that's the sound of one hand clapping. > "Bravo, Bravo. I must say that I'm impressed. > Only someone like myself would have the guts to do what you've justdone. Or TOM: Oh, not that again. > my--" TOM: Half-cousin! MIKE: Milkman! CROW: Archenemy! > "Hold it right there, Julian!" CROW: [ Inspector Gadget ] You're under arrest! > Davey stepped up to the tub of lard and > whipped out his Power Rifle. TOM: [ Davey ] How dare you imply that I ever was a milkman! > "What the phrack are you trying to pull on > live TV? CROW: We'd like to know too. MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Beats me. I'm just stalling for time. > Some propaganda crap to shake up the Freedom Fighters with? No > Dice." TOM: In Capital Letters. > By this time the upgrade was complete. CROW: We've switched to Windows 98! > The blue glow over Chuck > resided TOM: On GeoCities. > to reveal ahedgehog of flesh instead of metal. Eyes that were 30 > seconds ago red on black are now CROW: Puce on plaid! > black on white. He was examining his hands > that now don't look like a puppet. "Amazing," he said to himself. "I know MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] The square root of 74,000. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] How to factor decimals. CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Absolutely nothing! > by now that my new body's artificially made, but it looks so real. Am I > real now, am I?" He looks up to find Davey on top of Robotnik. ALL: EWWWWW!! CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Uhh, I'll leave you two alone now... bye... > He knocks > on the glass to get Tails' attention, and motions him to raise the tube." CROW: Who's speaking now? > Davey was laughing very sarcastically. "That is the biggest bullshit ALL: TOM: He said "bullshit"! > that I've ever heard!! YOU?? MY FATHER?? OF ALL PEOPLE?? HAH!!!!" MIKE: [ incredulous ] When did he say that?! > "David, you don't know. . . " > "You are NOT Darth Vader, Julian!" TOM: [ Darth Robotnik ] I find your lack of eggs disturbing, Davey. > ". . . your mother was divorced when you were an infant, did you know . > . . " MIKE: [ singing ] That you're my hero... > "I'm NOT Luke Skywalker and I'm NOT training to be a Jedi Knight!" TOM: [ Davey ] So there. > ". . . how can I know that when I don't have connections to your > planet, Kintobor." CROW: And that fills in our "David 'Davey "Crockett" Kintobor' Gonterman" profile. > "And I wouldn't give a phrack in hell CROW: [ Davey ] 'cause I don't have a phrack in hell. > WHO my biological father is, he > could get--" TOM: A haircut. > Davey froze when he heard his real last name. CROW: "Finsterbocker". > "What the > phrack MIKE: He uses that word way too much. > did you call me?" CROW: I called you "Finsterbocker". Wanna make something of it? > "That's your real name, isn't it? TOM: [ Robotnik ] David Finsterbocker? > David Kintobor? MIKE: [ PA system ] David Kintobor? You have a call. > Not that callsign > you've been using when you're surfing the net." TOM: As well as *every other moment of his life*! > Charles stood in awe MIKE: [ grunting ala Tim Taylor ] Aww? > when he heard that name. Kintobor? It couldn't > be!! CROW: Well, actually, it is. > In Knothole, Bear felt the same. TOM: Pure, unbridled joy. Wait, that's us. > Neither one wanted to find out what > would come next. MIKE: The redneck family reunion! > Charles felt a sharp pain in his stomach. CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Damn these intestinal parasites! > "David," Charles said slowly. "I'm afraid that he has a point. MIKE: On top of his head. > You > see, CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Fermat's Last Theorem never *has* been proven! > Kintobor is Robotnik backwards!" TOM: And Winston Churchill is an anagram for Cow Hurls Chin Lint. > "I know that Kintobor is Robotnik backwards, Chuckie? But what does > that have to do with me?!?!" MIKE: It has the world to do with you. > "A lot. MIKE: Well, that too. > Being an auto-automation in the last stage in its existence. CROW: Is that a sentence fragment of some kind? TOM: I suppose it's connected to the next sentence. CROW: Well, how're we supposed to know? TOM: We're supposed to have a telepathic link with Davey. CROW: He probably misspells in his mind. > I have been freed from my personality programming." TOM: [ high-pitched ] I'm free! Free! Free! Freeeee! > Robotnik looked more > like MIKE: Marlon Brando. > an expressionless wooden puppet than MIKE: Sharon Stone. > an evil tyrant. "You are not > aware of it, but CROW: Twinkies do rot. > Julian Kintobor came from your world. Yes, through The > Void. ALL: *Dah* dah DAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! > How else would you explain a human in a world of talking animals? CROW: Boredom on the artist's part? > He > became a brilliant military genius, and became King Acorn's war minister. TOM: As well as heir to the throne of Essex. > It wasn't until he staged his own military coup when he gave himself his MIKE: Shiny pink frilly dress. > callsign of TOM: T-Bone. > Doctor Ivo Robotnik, the Tyrant CROW: With a capital Ty. > I am an obviously poor imitation > of." CROW: Is that a sentence fragment? TOM: Yes and no. > "Yeah, absolutely crappy. Note to Snivley, and I hope you're watching. > . ." MIKE: [ Davey ] Stop overcooking my gravy! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > . . . and he was, in the Control Room. CROW: Good for him. > "If you ever throw something at me of this low quality ever again, I'll CROW: [ Davey ] Cry! > hunt you down and roboticize you myself. Is that clear, mister?" > "er, yeah, right, sure thing . . . Junior . . ." TOM: Starring Arnold Schwartzenegger and Danny DeVito. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "I SHOULD DO YOU RIGHT NOW ALL: Ewwwww!! > JUST FOR CALLING ME THAT!!! I AM *NOT* > ROBOTNIK'S SON!!!" > "You don't know that. MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, yeah, I do. I'm the all-powerful author. > Before he came to Mobius, he had a family, and a > child that was too little to notice that he was gone one day and never came > back. TOM: In a cautionary tale told to youngsters. > That child must have been you, David." CROW: Or Peter Parker. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > In Knothole, time froze. TOM: Professor Frink! Cut it out with the freezing and the stopping and the timing and the things! > Everyone stopped what they were doing, their > eyes glued to the screen. MIKE: Oh, Beetlejuice's been fooling around again. > Sonia's heart sank when she finally realized who > she's been dating. TOM: Charles Manson. MIKE: OJ Simpson. CROW: Jeffrey Dahmer. TOM: Y'know what they found in his freezer? CROW: What? TOM: Ben & Jerry. BOTS: [ chuckle ] > Davey Crockett was such a nice person to her. CROW: Except for that stuff with the chains, but she liked that! MIKE: CROW... > Such a > warm and caring man-turned-fox with a friendly, though introverted CROW: Cat. > personality and chest fur that you would just love to dive into. ALL: Ewwwwww!! MIKE: I hate this fanfic. Did I say that? TOM: I think you did, once. > Who would > have known that his father was the one who brought so much pain and misery > to this world. CROW: Well, us... the proofreader(s), if such a thing exists... God... Davey's mom... Robotnik... MIKE: Is that supposed to be a question. TOM: I'm not sure; are you. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Nice story, pusbag. TOM: [ Davey ] Especially the part where you *leave*. > Still, it's bullshit. You could be saying that MIKE: [ Davey ] For sadistic pleasure! > just to cause a division between me and the Freedom Fighters. They might CROW: Pee their non-existant pants! TOM: [ random Freedom Fighter ] Eeew, they got it all over the carpet! > even want to take me out for your sins! TOM: This is the moral of our story. > Like I said, No Dice." He held the > rifle to Robotnik's head. And fired. MIKE: Mike held his hand to his mouth. CROW: And puked. > The head burts open like an overripe > melon, and silver blood squirts out the neck like a fountain. ALL: YU-U-UCK!!! > "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" CROW: [ speaker ] My toilet backed up! TOM: [ speaker ] Where's my cabbage collection? MIKE: [ speaker ] I wanted to blow Robotnik's head up! > From out of nowhere, Packbell charged the duo that could be Robotnik > and son, but that is still debatable, TOM: Boy, there's nothing like a nice, flowing narration. MIKE: Yeah, I know what you mean. ALL: And this is nothing like a nice, flowing narration. > lifted Davey off Robotnik and threw ALL: Up! > him across the room. He landed on top of the biological lock. His right > arm got stuck in the place where you put the arm in. MIKE: D'oh! Some luck! > He tried to yank it > out before the lock checked that arm for DNA, in one last gasp for hope that CROW: His souffle wouldn't pop. > he would still be innocent in Knothole, but . . . MIKE: The Grinch really *did* stop Christmas this time! > his DNA was close enough: > DNA CHECK CONFIRMED, DOCTOR ROBOTNIK. ROBOTICIZER ACTIVATED TOM: What? DNA is unique in all people except identical twins, and he would have half of his DNA from his mother, which I *think* is enough to throw off a DNA tester. CROW: Maybe it's a really sloppy lock. > For all of Mobius. MIKE: Huh? CROW: Wha? > For all of that solar system. TOM: For the solar system, *what*? > Time froze. ALL: Oh. > All was > silent. MIKE: Could you speak up? I can't hear you. > Except for the sound of one heart breaking. ALL: [ various snapping cracking glass shattering noises ] > David Kintobor's. > Otherwise known as TOM: Dog Breath Man! > Davey Crockett's. > CROW: And a space for emphasis! > Robotnik's son. CROW: I must be psychic. TOM: Huh? CROW: Check back to part 1. MIKE: OK, then what number am I thinking? CROW: Uh, it's not 751. MIKE: By golly, he's right! > MIKE: Let's get out of here. CROW: Ugh. TOM: Don't let me stop you. [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ INT SOL. Tom, Mike, and Crow are engaged in a discussion. Let's watch, won't we? ] CROW: Man, this story is *ba-a-ad*! MIKE: Yeah, it really is. TOM: All that dreck is is a bunch of cliches-- CROW: --overused plots-- MIKE: --idiot plots-- TOM: --plot *contrivances*-- CROW: --big explosions-- MIKE: --"subtle" references to the author-- TOM: --and an irritating, aggravating, self-pitying, author-representing IDIOT of a MAIN CHARACTER!! CROW: Ahem. I have prepared a poem in honor of this story. MIKE: Well, then, go ahead and read it. CROW: Well, more like a song. MIKE: Sing it, then. CROW: Thank you. It is entitled Davey-Kins: Story of a Freak, to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. [ singing ] Whe-e-en-ever we read fanfics, we all feel aches and pains; The crappiness surrounds us and it penetrates our brains. Yet of them, I can safely say this stands out from the rest; If being bad was being good, then this would be the best! TOM: Oh, Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! CROW: If I have to read one more page, I think that I will bawl! MIKE: I now see what you're gettin' at; this guy should take a fall! TOM: Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! BOTS: Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i! TOM: If I could go to Earth right now, you know what I would try? I'd seek out David Gonterman and watch him slowly die! I'd bring a few machine guns and a big flame thrower too, And when I'd finish, Dave would be a worthless pile of goo! CROW: Oh, Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! TOM: If you want him gone, then Crapbusters is who ya gonna call! MIKE: I'll bet he even bought himself a Davey Crockett doll! CROW: Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! ALL: Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i! TOM: And so this ends our tale of melancholy fate; oh well. CROW: At least we know that Davey will be headed straight to Hell! MIKE: Drew Rhine and Paul Lapansee, who also had us vexed: CROW: Wear an armored suit to bed, because you will be next! MIKE: Oh, Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! TOM: I'm still surprised and shocked that Davey even had the gall! CROW: This fanfic is so bad, he should be in Detention Ha-a-all... ALL: Super-Freaky Davey's the most horr-i-ble of all!! Yeah!! [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] MIKE: We'll be right back. CROW: With a few machine guns. TOM: And a big flame thrower too. [ MST3K planet bumper. ] TOM: "Davey Crockett doll"? MIKE: It was the best rhyme I could think of! [ Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 6 of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_Caron@letterbox.com -or- gleemoth@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------