[All walk in as if nothing had happened and give no explanation.] MIKE: [Humming] Do do do do do.... >Chaos Race > >Part 2: Blue CROW: Buckle my shoe. > >Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi TOM: [Speed Racer announcer voice] Unbeknownst to Adrian and Alessandro Chaos is secretly their older brother Rex who disappeared several years earlier. > >[Legal disclaimer: > >This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, ALL: [Singing] Archie's here... da da, da da... >Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely >distribute this story, so long as: >a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who >distributes the story, and >b: MIKE: The Nets don't get past the first round of playoffs. > the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored. >In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it. CROW: Not even if God asks you to. > >Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.] MIKE: Yadda yadda, I don't really know the rest. > >****** > >As Sonic raced towards the blue Chaos Emerald's location, his mind pondered the >recent turn of events. He distinctly remembered the last time Amy had been to >Knothole... [All make standard flashback noise. Mike stands up and waves his arms around to give it a pseudo-wavery feel.] > >****** > >It all started on a routine mission. Sally had intercepted broadcasts about >SWATbot activities near the far side TOM: ...by Gary Larson. > of the Great Unknown, several days away >from Knothole, and Sonic had volunteered to check things out. Nothing important >had happened for weeks, so this was a welcome change of pace for the hedgehog. > >When he reached the end of the rocky, barren Great Unknown, Sonic decided to >stop for a chili dog break. He had just settled down CROW: With his wife and 2.5 kids. > in a clearing in a nearby >forest, when he heard someone crying. Following the sound, he found a pink >hedgehog girl, sitting on a log. TOM: [Singing out of key] There's a hog on a log in the fog filled bog out by the frog, there's a hog on a log... MIKE: Stop. > As he walked up to her, she lifted her head >and looked at him with tear filled eyes. CROW: Sonic stared in horror as the girl hefted her head and then threw it at him. > >"Um, hi there." Sonic said for a start. "What are you doing here all alone >in the woods?" > >"Our...our village got attacked by SWATbots," the little girl replied between >sobs. "I ran away...I just ran, and then I hid in the trees. MIKE: "Uh, well, I'm not in a tree now, but if I was, that's where I'd be." > I'm too scared to >go back alone." > >Sonic sat beside the girl and gave her a hug. TOM: {CRUNCH!} > "No problemo. I'll get you back >home safely, or my name isn't Sonic the Hedgehog!" > >The girl's face brightened. "You're Sonic the Hedgehog? Oh boy, CROW: "I'm in more trouble than I thought." > I've heard so >much about you. You're my hero!" TOM: Ten seconds to revelation of crush... [starts counting down] > >"Who hasn't?" Sonic smirked as he picked up the hedgehog, who cradled in his >arms and smiled back at him with gleaming eyes. TOM: ...zero - And we have revelation of crush! > >****** > >The hedgehog's name was Amy Rose. Sonic asked her a few questions about the >village she came from, then raced off, CROW: Sucker! > letting Amy point the way from the safety >of his embrace. CROW: Oh. > >It was worse than he had expected. TOM: She was *heavy*! > Setting Amy down, Sonic surveyed the damage. MIKE: "It'll take me *days* to get back in shape!" >Most of the houses were destroyed or burning, and there were no living beings >anywhere. CROW: AOL Headquarters. > >"Don't worry, Amy." he said, trying to comfort her as best as he could. "You >can come with me to Knothole. There's lots of nice people there, you'll like >it." > >Amy glared at him. TOM: "I can't believe you said that to me." > "You mean I can come with you?" > >"Sure. If you want." > >"Of course I want! I always dreamt of being with you." CROW: There is something vaguely disturbing about that line. > Amy sighed happily, >clasping her hands together. MIKE: "Mosquito; there, got it." > >****** > >Sonic decided to search the village alone, to keep Amy from seeing more of the >destruction. He had told her to wait for him in one of the houses that was >still intact. CROW: Which was unfortunately an outhouse. > >"Oh, man. I hate it when this happens," Sonic lamented, while walking through >the empty streets and abandoned homes. "Looks like this round goes to Robotnik. >When I get my quills on that lard bucket..." > >"HEDGEHOG! PRIORITY ONE!" TOM: OSTRICH! PRIORITY SEVEN! CROW: BEAGLE! PRIORITY PI! > >Sonic twirled around, MIKE: "Oh no! I've got boogie fever! There's nothing I can do!" > to find himself standing face to face with a SWATbot, >lasers aimed directly at him. This one had probably been left behind TOM: Because he was tricked into going on a snipe hunt. > to make >sure that none of the villagers had escaped. Sonic prepared to dash away, but >wasn't sure if he could outrun a laser blast at this distance. > >"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!" CROW: "YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!" > the robot droned, waving its laser. TOM: "DAAHHH, HOW DO YOU AIM THIS THING?? DOYYYY!" > "YOU WILL COME WITH >ME TO THE TRANSPORT SHIP FOR ROBOTIZICATION!" MIKE: Or come to the robot ship for transportation. I'm not sure. > >"Leave him alone," a familiar voice suddenly screamed. TOM: Oh no! It's granny! Get out of that tree, granny!! > Amy had jumped up at >the SWATbot from behind, and was now banging on its head with her fists. CROW: You-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute-you-brute! > The >robot reached upwards to pull her off... TOM: "Still a bit early in the season -- I'll just leave her in a basket on the kitchen counter and let her ripen." > >...and was almost instantly cut in half by a well-placed Sonic Spin. The short >moment of distraction was all Sonic had needed. > >He looked at Amy. "Way past! Amy, I could kiss you." MIKE: "You'd never selfishly put all the Freedom Fighters and the Floating Island at risk of horrible death!" > >Amy's face lit up in delight. Before Sonic knew what was happening, she had >already planted her lips on his. CROW: If she cultivates to a uniform six inch depth I'm gonna vomit. > >After a few seconds, Sonic pulled her off him. "What was that for?" > >Amy blushed. "Well, you said..." > >"Oh, right." MIKE: Who are you, again? > >She threw her arms around him and held him tightly. Not knowing what else to >do, he hugged her back. > >****** > >In the following days, as the pair made their way back to Knothole, Amy more >than proved her adoration for Sonic. Wherever Sonic went, CROW: The lamb was sure to go. > Amy followed as best >she could, and tried to snuggle up to him whenever she got an opportunity to do >so. TOM: So that's why she came back - she wants child support! > >Finally, they reached their destination, and jumped into the hidden entrance >together. CROW: The author's Fruedian slip is showing. > Sonic let go of Amy as they entered the haystack, only to run into >Sally as he left it. > >Had Sonic known what the result of Sally's kiss would be, he would have >covered Amy's eyes. TOM: She couldn't understand the concept of using a tongue. > >As it was, Sonic was in for weeks of bitter rivalry. Every time he tried to >have a good time with Sally, Amy interrupted. Every time he tried to talk with >Amy, Sally interfered. MIKE: When Second Grade Goes To War! > Just when he was about to break up one particularly loud >shouting match, Amy stormed away. At first, he thought Amy had just gone >somewhere to cool off, but when she did not return, Sonic realized that Amy had >left Knothole forever. TOM: Well, actually, it'd have to take him forever to determine that. MIKE: Thank you, Tom. TOM: See, it's a simple application of the Godel Incompleteness Theorem... MIKE: Okay, Tom. TOM: And the resulting indeterminacy of any system robust enough to include arithmetic truths... MIKE: Fine, Tom, you get a gold star on your paper. TOM: Yippee! > >****** > >Sonic's mind snapped back to the present as he saw a blue glow straight ahead: >the blue Chaos Emerald. He leapt towards it, hands outstretched, only to see it >dissapear into the bush it rested on. CROW: ...And he's dropped that catch... the crowd goes wild. It's a misfield... what do you think, Gary? > >Startled, Sonic turned around, ran back to the plant, and dove into it. > >"Shiny!" TOM: And suddenly Ranger Rick pays Sonic a visit. > >He poked his head out of the bush, to see a small packrat holding the emerald. >The packrat was very young, about one headspan shorter than Tails, MIKE: So about ten feet shorter, in Mobian terms. > and poorly >kempt. Sonic knew that there were some packrat families living in the Great >Forest on their own, hiding from Robotnik. "Maybe this kid got lost," he >thought, "or his family's been roboticized." CROW: "Or maybe they banish anybody with an IQ of less than three." > >Sonic remembered a more pressing duty MIKE: "Uh, where's the little hedgehog's room?" > when he saw the packrat carrying the >emerald away. He jumped out of the bush. TOM: [Daffy Duck] Greetingth, Fat Friar! I am Robin Hood! > "Hey, that's my emerald," he yelled. MIKE: Well, an acquaintance's anyway. >"Hand it over!" > >The packrat leapt back in surprise as he noticed the hedgehog, and protectively >shielded the gem. "No! I found it! It's mine!" TOM: [Yoda] Mine! Mine! Mine! > >"I don't have time for this." Sonic zipped up to the rodent, grabbed the >emerald, and tried to pry it from the child's grasp. "Nng...let go!" CROW: I knew that deep down Sonic was only a bully. > >The packrat clung to the gem as if his life depended on it. MIKE: Well, his existence in this subplot does, anyway. > "No! Go away! >It's mine!" TOM: [Yoda] Mine! Mine! Mine! MIKE: Enough of that! > >Sonic pulled harder. "I...said...let..." CROW: Spock! > >The emerald popped free. Sonic climbed on the packrat to grab the gem, but >slipped off. TOM: Suddenly keeping the gems wrapped up in banana peels seems like a bad idea. > Before he could get back up, the packrat lunged for the emerald >and grabbed it with both paws. > >Suddenly, the rat was engulfed in blue energy, CROW: Aw, it's just potential energy. > which poured out of the emerald >like nothing Sonic had ever seen before. Even a power ring held less energy >than this gem. The energy stream lasted only a few seconds, but by that time, >the packrat was already glowing in a pure blue, frowning at the hedgehog. MIKE: The experiments with crossing a rat, a Smurf, and a glow worm go horribly wrong. > >Sonic stepped away from the packrat. "Whoa...cool off, kid. I didn't mean it >bad. Just give me the emerald and I'll leave." He reached for the stone. > >The next thing he remembered was a collision with one of the nearby trees, CROW: Thus completing the triangle of ski-related deaths. > which >the packrat had thrown him into. > >"GRRR...YOU! TRIED TO TAKE MY GEM," the packrat growled. TOM: "There can be only...wait." > >Sonic rubbed his aching CROW: Bacon. > head. "Uh-oh. Way uncool...how on Mobius can I defeat >a packrat with Chaos powers?" MIKE: "Maybe I can express the problem better in...a song!" > He got up again, and pulled his backpack free >from some of the lower tree branches. It opened as he did so, revealing a Power >Ring inside. "Wait a sec, maybe this could work..." He turned to the packrat. >"Hey, blue boy!" TOM: Suddenly, Vision makes a repeat appearance. > >The packrat advanced on Sonic. > >Sonic stepped backwards, slowly gaining speed. CROW: By taking a single step? > "Yeah, you. Just 'cause you're >blue don't mean you're cool. TOM: Actually, it is. And so are a couple of the secondary colors. > Bet you can't catch me!" He quickly built up a >fast pace. Before long, he was halfway to earning his name again. Looking over >his shoulder, CROW: What shoulder? > he saw a blue silhouete as it accelerated to match his speed. >"What, you wanna race? Ha! MIKE: [Packrat] No! You just dropped your keys! > Nothing beats the blue blur, not even another blue >blur." Sonic ran faster. TOM: And smashed into a tree at 200 MPH. > >The azure packrat kept up, slowly closing in on Sonic. > >"This calls for some serious action." He pulled the power ring out of his pack, >held it up, and quickly absorbed its energy. "Juice time!" CROW: Ooh, I wanna turn into shiny liquid metal and go skating around this little basin by a Capri-Sun sign until the security guard comes! > >Twin sonic booms echoed throughout the Great Forest as Sonic lead the packrat >on a supersonic chase. Sonic had almost made it back to Knothole when he >noticed that his pursuer was starting to slow down. > >Just as they reached the entrance to Knothole, the packrat collapsed from >exhaustion. The blue glow faded away, with no more chaos energy remaining to >power it. MIKE: I suppose Knuckles won't be able to use it anymore then. What a dumb waste! > Sonic, on the other hand, had only extended his power ring's life >with his own energy, and still felt ready to run. TOM: This isn't supposed to be SCIENCE, is it?? > >He walked back to the packrat and smirked. "See? I told you I'm the Fastest >Thing Alive." CROW: "Don't you *listen* to my theme song? Do you have some kind of attitude problem?" MIKE: Nice of him to gloat over an opponent near death. > >"Sh...shiny," TOM: En...Entertainment... and Playmates... present... > the packrat whispered, still holding on to the gem with both paws, >but with no strength left. It would be easy to take it now. Sonic put his hand >on the gem, MIKE: "Hm, you don't seem so feverish. I think you'll go to school today." > but as he looked into the kid's big, tear-filled eyes, he just could >not bring himself to pull. > >"Look, I really need this emerald. Our home and a whole island is at stake..." CROW: And my needs are inherently more important than yours. > >The packrat just sobbed. > >Sonic could not bear to push the kid away. "Boy, this looks like a mondo big >problem here," he said to himself. "What am I gonna do?" He sat down next to >the packrat to think of a solution. TOM: Tragically, by the time Sonic had managed to think of a possible solution, the island had crashed into Knothole, killing everybody still there. > >Something dragged on his quills. Looking at his back, he saw that it was >covered with leaves and tiny branches, which had been stuck there during his >fight. "Eww! What else could go wrong," Sonic lamented. He pulled a small >mirror from his backpack, MIKE: Never go on a top-secret commando raid without your beauty supplies. > and started combing his spikes back to their former >glory. TOM: You know, I would question Sonic's priorities, but he is the protagonist so clearly this will have to be the right thing to do. > As he stroked them back into place, he noticed the packrat looking at >him with wide eyes. CROW: [Packrat] What are you *doing*?? > >"Ultra shiny!" > >"Huh?" Sonic looked around, wondering what the kid could have meant, then his >gaze fell on the mirror. "The mirror? But that's nothing special, it's >just..." An idea formed in Sonic's head. MIKE: As opposed to his kidney? > "Hey, you wanna trade? Shiny for >shiny?" > >The kid released the gem and grabbed for the mirror faster than Sonic could >blink, and admired his reflection. "Yay! Ultra shiny!" TOM: This kid's a mental mountain. > >Sonic picked up the emerald from the ground, relieved. Then he smiled. "You >wanna have more shinies?" > >The packrat gazed into his mirror, then looked up. "More shinies?" MIKE: Packrat: Portrait of an Anthropomorphic Shinies Addict. > >Sonic pointed to the stump that lead to Knothole, only a short distance away. >"All the shinies you could want. CROW: [Sonic] See, you just wait until nobody's looking, then you jump into the fountain and scoop up all the shinies on the bottom. > And I'm sure they can help you find your >parents, too." TOM: Unless they're dead, which they most likely are. > >"Hooray! Shinies!" With a look of pure awe on his face, the kid leapt into the >stump. MIKE: [Packrat] Forget my parents, just give me those shinies! > >Sonic looked at the emerald, and admired his reflection in the blue crystal as >it smirked back at him. "Now, am I cool, or what," he said to himself, >grinning. He knew that, unlike Amy, this kid would not run away. TOM: Of course, it took him three months to notice Amy had run away. > As he >prepared to speed away, he heard the packrat's arrival in Knothole. > >"Shiny!" > >"Who are you," Bunnie's voice replied, "and what d'yuh think you're doing on mah >arm? We are busy with an evacuation here." CROW: If Rogue and the Trix Rabbit had a child... > >"Shiny! Shiny!" MIKE: Bo biny, banana-fanna fo finy. > >Sonic laughed out loud as he ran towards the grey Chaos Emerald's crash site. CROW: "Hope you enjoy life in hell, there, Bunnie! Ha ha!" > >****** > >Packbell laughed out loud as he held the grey Chaos Emerald in his hands. "What >fools those MIKE: Mortals be. > Freedom Fighters are. The other emeralds hold incredible power, but >the grey one is the Master Emerald. TOM: [Packbell] "Uh...you folks at home buying this?" > With it, I can control all the others. >Those idiots might beat my robots, but I have already won. It doesn't matter >how many of the other emeralds they find; when they bring the emeralds back to >the Floating Island, I shall be there, and this emerald shall take the others >right out of their hands. All I have to do is wait..." MIKE: [Packbell] In the meantime, I'll practice my histrionic laughter some more. > >A brief surge in his speakers' power levels made Packbell's laughter sound like >thunder as he walked away. CROW: [Packbell] It is funny... Well, I guess you had to be there... Wait, I was. [All leave.] [Commercials]