[SOL. Crow is at the counter, flipping through an all Lara Croft issue of Gamepro. Servo slowly approaches him from behind, breathing heavily. Crow turns and notices him.] CROW: Oh, hi, Tom. I just found a code that will allow you to see Lara nude! But don't tell Mike, or... [notices Tom's heavy breathing] What's the matter? TOM: Shiny... CROW: Uhm, Tom, I think the fic's getting to you. Hey, wait, what are you... aghhh! [Servo tackles Crow and they disappear behind the counter.] MIKE: [Walking in, seeing no one] Say, Crow, have you seen my Gamepro around? Crow? [Looks down] Oh my God! Servo, what are you doing?! [Yanks Crow out of Tom's clutches.] Tom, what's gotten into you? TOM: [Violently] Shiny mine! [Lunges for Crow as Mike quickly pulls him above his shoulder, causing Servo to fall to the floor.] MIKE: [To Crow, lowering him to the floor.] Are you all right? CROW: Oh, yeah! He's just snapped is all... again. TOM: [Getting up of floor] Give me shiny!!! MIKE: [Looks around, notices mirror lying on counter, and grabs it.] Uhm, here's a shiny! TOM: [Lunges for it] Shiny mine! [Mads' light flashes] TOM: Button shiny! [Goes for it] MIKE: Hey, no! No! [Shoves Tom away while he taps the button.] No! Down! [Tom whimpers.] MIKE: No! [Mobius. Outside in the village. Pearl is lounging in a hammock. Enter Observer.] OBSERVER: Hm... PEARL: Hm... OBSERVER: Sure is warm today. PEARL: Tell me about it. It's always spring on this planet. OBSERVER: Except when it pertains to the plot. PEARL: Yeah, there's that... Y'know, living on a planet inhabited by furries that aid in my goal to drive Mike insane... really sucks. OBSERVER: Hm? PEARL: There's nothing to do now. OBSERVER: Oh, c'mon. Bobo finally has plenty of other people to bother, and ... and I can't think of anything else to list here. PEARL: Well, y'know, Brain Guy, I frankly can't wait for Mike to finally blow this place up. We've never stayed more than five experiments on a foreign planet and what is it now? OBSERVER: [Muttering] Well, uh, we got here, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, self-insertion, comic book, that weird "Cedric Incident" that apparently happened in another dimension... [Aloud] Uh, about eight or nine. PEARL: There, see? Too long. Mike? Blow this place up. W- OBSERVER: No, I wouldn't do that. PEARL: Because? OBSERVER: Well, you see, Sonic fans can be the touchiest little stinkers. They even wished death upon several official writers and artists for not doing exactly as they wished, so- PEARL: So basically, they'd search and destroy. OBSERVER: Exactly. PEARL: Man... So, what do we...? OBSERVER: We just up and leave. PEARL: Just... leave? Without leaving the debris of this world behind us? Isn't that breaking an old tradition? OBSERVER: We didn't blow up Rome. PEARL: Well, duhhhhh. We wouldn't exist if we blew up Earth's past. OBSERVER: Well, I would. PEARL: Shut up. OBSERVER: Yessum. [Enter Bobo.] BOBO: Whoo-hoo. That Sonic can sure play cricket. I'm so exhausted. So, I miss much? PEARL: We're leaving. BOBO: What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OBSERVER: Baby. BOBO: Give me one good reason why we should leave! PEARL: We're bored. BOBO: I'm not. PEARL: Tough nipples. OBSERVER: Listen, I'd hate to just hear this complaining as we're driving away, so why don't we make a little game out of it? We'll personally show you at least three reasons why we should get the hell out of here, and you come with us and get the hell out of here. We can't find that many reasons, we stay. Deal? BOBO: What was that part after you said "listen"? [SOL. Mike and Crow are tossing the mirror to each other while Tom unsuccessfully tries to recover it.] MIKE & CROW: [More or less to the tune of "Ring Around the Rosie"] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyahhhhhh, nyah! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyahhhhhh, nyah! [Alarms] TOM: Fanfic sign shiny! MIKE: Let's move it! It's fanfic sign!! TOM: SHINY! [Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...safe...] [All enter] TOM: Shinyshinyshinyshinyshinyshiny... [Mike smacks him upside the head.] TOM: Ow. Thanks. >Chaos Race > >Part 3: Yellow CROW: So it makes sense that Antoine is in this one. > >Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi > >[Legal disclaimer: TOM: Despite the zingy taste, it's bad manners to eat your neighbor's car battery. > >This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, >Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely >distribute this story, so long as: CROW: You don't let the Canadians get hold of it. >a: no recompense of financial value MIKE: In an embarrassing situation, both Adrian and Al forget how to spell "money." > is received or given by the person who >distributes the story, and >b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored. >In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it. > >Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.] > >****** > >"Gee, Antoine, I never knew you could stay silent for so long." TOM: I'm happy, but... > Tails slowed >down his flight, set his friend on the ground gently, and landed. "You can >relax now. CROW: "Ew! Not *that* kinda relax!" > I'll have to rest a bit before carrying you any further." > >Antoine did not move a muscle. > >"Antoine? You ok?" Tails waved a hand in front of the nearly white, tailless >fox, prodded him with a finger, MIKE: Is it ripe yet? > and watched in surprise as Antoine tipped over >backwards. CROW: *Obviously* French to use a Jerry Lewis schtick. > >Antoine caught himself just before he landed, snapping out of his reviere. As >he spoke, he slowly recovered his natural brown color. "What was zat being >for?" > >"You were frozen stiff. You wouldn't talk to me. MIKE: I have a feeling we're drifting apart. > I thought something happened >to you." > >"To moi? Do not be silly. Ah am perfectly ahlright. Now, let us get goeing. >Ze Princess has aurdered us to find ze yellow emerald. TOM: You know, if this goes on, France might invade Japan just to get back at the Sega corporation. > We must depart without >delay..." > >"We're almost there." > >Antoine blinked, looked around, and saw Great Forest's border miles behind him. >At the moment, he was standing on a barren, sandy plain that was a corner of the >Great Desert. CROW: Great, great, great, great... TOM: I'm surprised that it isn't the Great Island that's gonna land on Knothole. > "How did we get zo far?" MIKE: We called Ikea and had them deliver...oh, oh, 'so far,' I see. > >"I carried you. Don't you remember...oh, I get it. You paniced." > >"Paniced? Moi? Ah told you before, do not be silly. Ah never panic." CROW: [Antoine] Ah just was een pain from hearing my badly wreetten dialogue. > >Tails giggled. "Sure, Antoine. You were just pretending, right?" > >"Well...ok, maybe zis once even I, Antoine DeCoolete, was scared. But zere was >being a good reason. Just before we left, I remembered where we were going." TOM: That's a good time to remember where you're going. > >"There's nothing scary about it." > >"Au contrair, mon ami. MIKE: [Antoine] Mah accent vould make Gambit take elocution lezzons! > Rosie told me about it many years ago. Eet was a place >of evil, CROW: EuroDisney? > even before Robotneek came along." Antoine stroked his chin briefly. >"She nevar deed specify what kind of place, now zat I think about it." > >"Aunt Rosie didn't tell you what it was?" > >"No, just zat it was evil. Ah shudder to guess what it could have been: a den >of cannibals, an experimental roboticizer, a monster's lair..." MIKE: A setting for a Spice Girl's Concert... > >"It's a casino." > >Antoine paused, stared off into the distance, and sheltered his eyes with his >hand. "A casino?" > >"Yeah. TOM: "It's called the Great Casino." > You can't quite see it from here, but Sonic and I went there once. CROW: Sally was pretty mad after we came back with each others names tattooed on our butts. > I >guess it's deserted now." > >"A casino? TOM: YES!! IT'S A CASINO! JEEZ! > Rosie made eet sound as if eet was ze worst spot in ze Kingdom of >Acorn." CROW: [Snort!] > >"Maybe it was. But it's not anymore, thanks to Robotnik. CROW: "Ever since it moved to the Kingdom of Banana." > Besides, I think Aunt >Rosie just doesn't like gambling." Tails cracked a smile. "You should've heard >her when Sonic and I got back. We kicked Robotnik big time, hung around to play >the slots a bit, and actually won some money. MIKE: "Ben Stein's, I believe." > Aunt Rosie said Sonic was >corrupting me. The whole village heard, 'cept for you. You were on guard duty >at the time, so you were...too far away to hear." Tails wanted to say "asleep", >but he figured that Antoine would not want to be reminded of that at the moment. TOM: Or of the mess he had left at the spot he slept in. > >"Ah was scared of a casino?" Antoine's fur was starting to bristle. "We shall >see about that. Come on, Tails, we have an emerald to find." He set off >towards their destination. > >Tails walked briskly to keep up, his tails still a bit tired from the flight. >"Hey, wait up. What's the big rush?" MIKE: Well, Manhattan Island dropping on their heads in half an hour. > >"Zis ees only ze first emerald we were sent for. Packbell's robots will >probably beat us to it if we do not hurry." CROW: STOP THE FANFIC! In the first part, Sally sent Sonic after two emeralds, Tails and Antoine after just the yellow, and went after the other three emeralds with Amy! > >"Alright, hang on..." TOM: Okay, we can go. No, wait, hold on a second. No, we're ready. Wait. > Tails took off, grabbing Antoine as he passed overhead, >and accelerated towards a building near the desert's edge. > >****** > >Tails nearly crashed into the casino's revolving doorway. CROW: He's a "special needs" freedom fighter. > He sailed through its >empty doorframes, whose glass TOM: So the glass door is now a sentient life form? > had long since been removed; then dropped Antoine >on a large cushion before landing, falling on his face, and skidding to a halt >on the lobby's thick carpeting. MIKE: That's some rug burn he got. > >Antoine picked himself up and ran over. "Mon dieu! Do not be telling me zat >you are practicing Dulcy's landings." He checked his friend over for injuries, >and was relieved to find none. > >"I'm fine," CROW: I thought he was more chunky. TOM: D'oh. > Tails wheezed between gasps of air, "just tired. You're heavier >than you look." > >"Hmm? No, it ees my uniform zat ees being heavy." Antoine dusted his jacket >off and patted his ceremonial sword's scabbard. CROW: And he was wearing his ceremonial uniform because... MIKE: Because he's very, very lonely. > "Eef you had given me some >time to prepare, TOM: I'd have baked a cake. > ah would have changed to a lighter one." Antoine lifted Tails >off the ground, MIKE: [Antoine] I kiwwed the wabbit. {sob} Poor widdle bunny... > noticing that Tails was limp from exhaustion. "I shall find ze >emerald while you recover." TOM: Wouldn't it have been easier for all concerned to let Antoine WALK? > >"But how..." CROW: Try looking! > >"Ze emerald crashed in from above, no? Therefore, it would have left a hole in >ze roof. I just have to find zis hole, then follow it down." Antoine looked >around. "Of course, even scanning ze whole roof will take a while." MIKE: Being that they're inside! On the bottom floor! > >"Maybe I can help." > >Antoine turned around, to find a pig who had snuck up behind him. The pig was >dressed in a surprisingly clean three piece suit, top hat, and polished black >boots, with an old fashioned monocle and jeweled walking stick. TOM: Wow! We've wandered into a Thomas Nast cartoon! > He had >apparently eaten very well over the years; MIKE: Yeah, he's such a pig. > his suit was a tight fit, but just >loose enough to keep all but his hands and head from showing. CROW: Isn't this what a suit is supposed to do? MIKE: It's called pointless exposition. > >"And who are you being?" CROW: Is that a zen question? I was never good with those. > >"I am Cap I. List, owner of this fine establishment. But you can call me Cap. >Heck, you can call me just about anything. TOM: "How about !&$@#... OW!" > I'm just glad for the company. No >one's been around here since...hey! Look who's back. It's the furball who took >me for some serious moolah. How ya doin', kit?" > >Despite his exhaustion, Tails managed to smile. CROW: [Mumbling] "Jackoff." > >"You said you could help? Do you know..." > >"...where that glowing yellow rock that gave this place a new skylight is? MIKE: "Sorry, haven't seen it." > Yep, >I sure do. Tell ya what, I'll show you where it landed." TOM: "It hit me in the head, wiped out all my happy memories of life. You want some tea?" > >"Mon ami! Zis is being wonderful. I am in your debt, sir." > >"Hey, no problem. No problem at all. Just leave your friend here. CROW: That way he can get captured and prolong the story even more. > It's a bit >of a climb to the roof - the elevators died some time ago - MIKE: I still hear their voices at night. > and I don't see why >you have to exhaust yourself more than necessary." > >"Will he be safe?" > >"Of course he will. TOM: "MWAHAHAHA!" > Why, there's nobody here 'cept for you, me, him, and >Missy." > >"Missy?" > >"Oh, that's right, you haven't met. Oh, Missy, come here, please." CROW: [Whistle] Good, boy. > >Antoine's eyes nearly leapt from their sockets when a workerbot, who looked like >it could have been Cap as a robot, walked in from the shadows. "A w-workerbot?" MIKE: Obviously the pigs here are rubbing off on him. He's beginning to talk like Porky. > >"Missy here is...was my wife, CROW: And female clone. TOM: Yech! > before Robotnik got ahold of her. I didn't want >to fight, but she wouldn't listen. She's always been strong willed. Well, when >Robotnik came by, he roboticized her and left her under my command, to guard the >casino. He said that she was a reminder of what would happen to me if I ever TOM: Left the toilet seat up again. >disobeyed him." A tear rolled from under Cap's monocle. "I didn't dare resist. >At least this way, I got to keep Missy...what's left of her, anyway." CROW: Yeah, Robotnik decided to leave the owner of the casino un-roboticized because...he...didn't want to tangle with the Department of Gaming? > >"Are you sure it is being alright to trust her?" TOM: No! > >"Sure I'm sure. Missy was programmed to take orders only from Robotnik, >Snively, or myself. Packbell never got added to that list. MIKE: See, leave your beeper off for one lunch and you miss all the great stuff. > Robuttnik and >Snidely can't give her orders from beyond the grave, so she'll only obey me >now. TOM: Wait, Robotnik's dead? MIKE: No wonder he didn't screw up too much this story. > And if I order her to help Tails recover, she'll do that." Cap made a >hand gesture, then pointed to Tails. TOM: [Cap] Make Tails recover. No, not make Tails into a slipcover! STOP! > >"ORDER ACKNOWLEDGED." Missy walked up to Antoine, then held her arms out. "IF >YOU PLEASE." MIKE: Are they Siamese? > >"Well...do you trust them, Tails?" > >Tails nodded his head. "Why not? They're cool." CROW: So even if there's a chance they're working for Packbell, it's all right to trust them because they're "cool"? > >"Ok." Antoine placed Tails, still limp, in Missy's arms. "Take care of him." TOM: [Maniacal laughter] Take *extra good* care of him! > >Missy turned and left without saying a word. > >"What'd I tell ya? She only takes orders from me. Now c'mon, I've got to show >you my new skylight." > >****** > >Missy walked into a room that was strewn with machinery, and two things that >reminded Tails of roboticizers. MIKE: [Tails, humming] Doo doo doo doo; nope, doesn't mean a thing to me. La da doo doo doo... > >"Is this where Robotnik did you?" ALL: GYYAAACK! > Tails had gotten his breath back, but he was >still tired. > >The workerbot plodded on silently. > >"Oh, sorry, guess you don't like being reminded of that." TOM: [Missy] NO, I JUST LOOOOOOOOOVE TALKING ABOUT MY LOSS OF INDIVIDUALITY. > >Missy placed Tails on a metal chair, then walked to a corner of the room. MIKE: [Tails] Uhm, what's this metal helmet for? > >"Look, I know you aren't programmed to talk to me, but this is a bit spooky." >Tails was so tired that he almost slipped off of the chair. "Could I rest >somewhere else?" > >Missy returned with a long rope and started to loop it around Tails' body. CROW: Sayyyy... > >"Thanks." Tails tried to drag himself to an upright position. "This way, at >least I won't fall off. TOM: Dumber than a bowl full of hair. > It's a little tight, though. Could you... >waitaminute..." CROW: Natural selection in action, ladies and gentlemen. > >Tails suddenly realized that Missy had tied his paws together. The workerbot >looped the rope around his ankles, tied it securely, and started looping it >around his legs. MIKE: Rabbit comes out of the hole, round the tree, sees his shadow, teases the fox, fluffs his ears...wait. No. > >"Missy, what are you doing? This isn't funny!" He struggled against the bonds, >but to no avail. Missy just looped the rope around Tails a few more times, tied >it off, and then walked out of the room. TOM: [Missy] TIME FOR MY COFFEE BREAK. > >****** > >Antoine marveled as he travelled across a catwalk overlooking several roofless >enclosures, each one shining as if it had been built from pure gold. "Ah have >never dreamed of so much wealth..." > >"That's just paint. CROW: "That's all I used to glue together this catwaaaAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHH!" > Real gold wouldn't stand up under the beating those rooms >used to get." Cap snorted. MIKE: Well, he *is* a pig and all. > "Course, it tricked more than a few gamblers into >thinking we could cover the huge payoffs we promised. Not that they ever won, >mind you." CROW: [Cap] And if they did, we'd shoot 'em. Cut down on the number of people who *tried* to win, I'll tell you that! > >"And eef they had?" > >"They couldn't have. We rigged all the games with large bets. That was the >real game: find out how much you could bet, and still have a chance of winning. >We never told anyone in so many words, but if they couldn't figure it out..." >Cap shrugged. "...their loss." TOM: Their loss that they aren't psychic. > >Antoine turned a wary eye to the pig. "Sir! Do you mean zat zis casino cheated >honest Mobians out of zeir money?" MIKE: Morality is for losers. > >"Money was power, so I pursued it with all my heart. But now, I realize that >money isn't everything. I would have given it all to keep Missy." Cap sighed. TOM: "I hate explaining the moral of the story." >"But Robotnik wasn't interested in money. And now, this is all I have to show >for my work." Cap gestured to the vast, empty floor below. > >"So, where is ze Chaos Emerald being?" > >"Hmm? Oh, that. Almost there." Cap hustled a few steps, CROW: Proving that disco isn't dead. > opened a small door >that lead into a dimly lit room, and motioned Antoine to enter. After a few >more steps, MIKE: They both got lost. > he tapped a spot on the ceiling with his walking stick, which caused >a panel in the roof to slide back, revealing a jagged hole about the size of his >head. "It came in here." Cap then pointed to a hole in the floor, which looked >like it had been ripped out by a falling object. > >Antoine looked at the roof's hole, then scanned the ground. "Ah do not see ze >emerald. Ees it below?" > >"Yes." > >"Hmm...how to get down?" TOM: I'll throw down a Jello mold, first. > >"I'm afraid you won't. I need the emerald for my own purposes first, so you'll >have to stay here until I'm done with your furry friend." With that, Cap >slammed the door shut and locked it from outside. MIKE: Holy cow! That was unexpected! > >"Cap, what is ze meaning of this?" Antoine shrieked. He ran to the door and >tried to open it, but it refused to budge. > >****** > >Tails was still struggling against the ropes when Cap arrived. Even if he had >been at full strength, Tails could not have broken the bonds. CROW: Are sidekicks *trained* to get captured all the time? > As it was, Cap >did not even notice Tails' efforts. > >Tails looked up. "Cap! Something must be wrong with Missy! She just tied me >up and..." He stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Missy walking in right behind >the pig. A glint of yellow shined from within her robotic hands. Tails >squinted to see what it was. MIKE: A 'Have A Nice Day' button. > >"Nice job, Missy." TOM: "Take ten hours off." > Cap said, looking at Tails. "Sorry to have to do this, >furball, but it's you or her." > >Cap walked over to the machine's control panel, took the yellow object from >Missy, and placed it inside the machine. CROW: No! You put the 3.5 emerald in the 5.25 slot! Now we'll never get it out! > >"What the...that's the Chaos Emerald!" Tails blurted out. "You had it all >the time! Why didn't you tell us earlier?" > >Cap sighed. TOM: [Cap] I was setting you up, dickweed! > "This machine is a deroboticizier I've been working on for quite >some time now. MIKE: Most corrupt businessmen are expert engineers, after all. > I've been trying to find an adequate power source for months, >with no luck. Then guess what just dropped in?" CROW: Duhh, a thimble? > Cap closed the panel again and >flipped a switch, starting up the machine's generator. "Unfortunately, this >emerald will only let me transfer roboticization. TOM: 'Cause that can be done, you know. > I have to roboticize someone >to deroboticize Missy. CROW: How does he know that? > I would've done your friend, ALL: Spew!! > but he was easier to bump >off." > >Tails' eyes widened in disbelief. MIKE: If you can't believe your corrupt mob bosses, who can you believe? > >****** > >"Oh no! I ahm doomed! Doomed!" Antoine wailed, still desperately pulling on >the door. Even thinking of what this crazy pig could do to him gave him the >creeps. CROW: He instantly regretted mentioning it was pork chops night. > He dearly wished that he never had agreed to go after those stupid >emeralds. If Tails had not made him come, he would still be safe and sound at >home. TOM: Waiting for his crushing death from above. > He tried his best to stop his knees from trembling. > >Tails...this reminded him of something. Cap said he wanted to do something to >Tails! > >"No! I will not allow zees!" MIKE: No more zees! The alphabet ends with y's now! > Antoine said to himself with new-found bravery. >"I will save him from zees evil swine! CROW: Is that or is that not an insult? > Zere must be a way out of here." > >Almost without thinking, Antoine whipped out his sword TOM: Oh, so the real reason he was dressed in his ceremonial outfit was for PLOT CONVENIENCE! > and jammed it into the >doorjamb. Thankful that it was not purely ceremonial, he gripped its hilt and >pulled with all his might. With an unpleasant *CRUNCH*, the doorbolt gave way >and sprang out of its frame. MIKE: And he saw the *next* door just behind it! > After taking a moment to steady himself, Antoine >yanked his sword free CROW: Again, I question the choice of language. > and took off in pursuit of Cap. > >****** > >"Hey, look at it this way. At least you'll live." TOM: You'll be a souless machine, but you'll live. > Cap made a gesture to Missy, >who picked up the tied fox, placed him on the machine's left platform, then >walked to the right one. > >"You-you don't have to do this, Cap," Tails argued. "Aunt Sally and the other >Freedom Fighters have also been working on a deroboticizer. It can already >deroboticize someone for a short time..." > >"Sorry, kit. I've been trying to build a deroboticizer for years, and I miss >her so much...I want her back NOW." CROW: Netscape...NOW! > >"Tails! Where are you?" MIKE: He went for FAYYYYYYYGO! > a slightly trembling voice suddenly yelled, coming >from the casino lobby. > >"That's Antoine," Tails shouted with joy. "Ant, I'm MURF!" TOM: "I'm blue, my name is an adjective, and I live in a village made of mushrooms." > >Cap had quickly pulled out a large piece of cloth from his suit CROW: Cuz every suit has always had a large piece of cloth in it, y'know. > and shoved it >into Tails' mouth. "Oh, no you don't! Not when I'm so close!" He flipped >another switch, causing the glass tubes of the deroboticizer to come down, >trapping Tails and Missy inside. "And now for the final part..." MIKE: The blinky stuff! > Cap moved his >hand to a big red button in the middle of the control panel. > >Tails' eyes bulged. CROW: "That rope is tied too tightly around my-" > "MMM-MMMM!!" MIKE: That's fine cookin'! TOM: [Simultaneously] Bop! [Mike and Tom stare at each other once more.] > >Cap hesitated for a second, then pushed the button. TOM: {Fwoosh!} [Hums "Mighty Science Theater."] > The machine started to >hum. Yellow beams surrounded Tails and Missy... > >...and abruptly stopped when, with a loud *CRASH* and a shower of sparks, the >panel went to pieces. A sword vibrated where it had been thrown, sticking right >in the middle of the mess. MIKE: Message for you, sir! > >"What?" Cap turned around, only to be knocked aside by a snarling Antoine, TOM: Oh no! He's got rabies! >sending Cap to the ground. > >Antoine winced. His throw had come too late. The machine had been activated. MIKE: Didn't they just say that the yellow beams stopped? TOM: Yeah. MIKE: So what's he so concerned about? CROW: Maybe it's a combination deroboticizer-coffeemaker, and it's making decaf instead of regular. MIKE: Maybe... >"Non dieu! CROW: There is *so* a God, you blasphemist! > What ahm I going to do now?" Inside the glass tube he could see >Tails' body stiffening, his fur slowly turning into a metallic grey. MIKE: They're flocking him! > There was >only one chance. > >"'Ere goes!" The fox grabbed the closest piece of equipment, smashed the glass >tube where Tails was trapped, and pulled him out. More sparks came from the >machine. The beams turned from yellow to a bright white, and finally >disappeared. TOM: Isn't it convenient that destroying the bad guy's machine always undoes the damage it did? > >In one fluid motion, Antoine dove forwards, snapped up his sword, swung it >around to cut Tails free, CROW: [Tails] MY EYE!!! > and brought it back to just short of Cap's throat >before the pig could get up again. "Fraize." TOM: Frasier? > >Cap's eyes were glued to the blade as if it was the only thing in the room. >"P-p-please CROW: "...Eddie!" > don't hurt me. I only w-wanted Missy back..." > >"And you've got her," a female voice spoke from near the roboticizer. MIKE: You mean DEroboticizer. > >"Missy?" Cap almost sat up into the blade on hearing her voice, but when he >felt its pressure, he settled for just shifting his gaze to his wife. TOM: Another big, honkin' slab of plot convenience to the rescue. > >"In the flesh. Now you, young fox, put that sword away this instant. You could >hurt someone!" CROW: Duh! That was the point! > Missy, now deroboticized, still looked so much like Cap that she >could have been his sister. TOM: Augh! MIKE: I...need to go wash my hands. > She was even wearing a tuxedo that could have been >one of Cap's spare suits. CROW: So a transvestite pig married to her twin brother... ALL: ...BLAUGH! > >Antoine backed off, levelling his blade at the two of them. > >"Missy! I missed you so much..." Cap rushed over to his wife to try to embrace >her, but she pushed him away. MIKE: I forgot our anniversary again, didn't I? > >"You! How could you try to turn this poor little fox into a robot, just to save >me?" Missy reproached him. "The Cap I knew was different. Greedy, yes, but he >still had a kind heart!" > >"But, Missy...I didn't want to do it. I simply had no other choice. I was all >alone, with no one to help me...and I was scared." CROW: Baby. > >"We came for ze emerald." Antoine interrupted. "We would have gladly alped you >eef you had asked, but you did not. Is zees not right, Tails?" > >Tails was still sitting on the ground, checking over his body. Having found no >robotic parts, MIKE: "My belly button used to be an RS-232C port, right?" > he breathed a sigh of relief, and cast an evil glance toward Cap. TOM: [Cap] What?! > >"You would have just...helped us? If we'd asked?" MIKE: Tails OFFERED help before you tried to zap him! Remember?? > >"Oui." > >Cap was at a loss of words. "No-no one's offered that since before the Great >War. CROW: More great... > I...I feel so ashamed." He looked at Tails. "Can you forgive me, kit?" > >"Uh..." Tails looked at the couple. It must have been pretty hard for Cap to >live with his roboticized wife for all those years. And he had sounded so happy >after Missy had finally been restored to normal... > >Tails grinned. "I forgive you, under two conditions!" > >"Conditions?" Antoine, Cap and Missy asked in unison. MIKE: How *dare* you presume to be angry at people who attempted to snuff out your young life! > >"First, we take the Chaos Emerald back to its rightful owner." Tails stood up, >opened the smoking panel, and removed the emerald. > >"And second...?" Cap asked hesitantly, expecting the worst. TOM: "You try listening to Antoine for two hours straight." > >"Second, from now on you will call me TAILS!" Tails could not help but giggle. >Antoine and Missy smirked. > >"But...but of course...Tails!" MIKE: {Sigh} So we're okay, then? > >Tails smirked again, and walked over to Antoine. TOM: [singing] There's a whole lotta smirkin' goin' on! > >"Alors. Then let us be going," Antoine said, moving towards the doorway. > >Cap exchanged a glance with his wife. "Missy, should we tell them?" > >"Yes. It's the least we can do." > >"Tell us what?" Antoine had stopped in the doorway. CROW: You've got toilet-paper stuck to your foot. > >"Robotnik had a minor supply depot here. That's where I got the parts for the >deroboticizer. He ordered us to tell no one, and set Missy to kill me if I >tried to make anyone stumble across it. Once Robo-tink bought it, I turned his >orders around: we weren't to tell anyone, even Snively or Packbell. TOM: Yeah. And he was allowed to give orders because? > But we were >still stuck with the stuff, so I fixed up the place and waited for someone to >come. Now that you're here, and Missy's herself again, we can give you access >to the supplies." > >"Alright, show us zis depot." > >****** > >Antoine and Tails followed the pigs cautiously, watching for possible traps but >seeing none. "How much further?" MIKE: [Cap] It's right inside this door. You two go first. Make sure to move all the way into the room so we can fit. Don't worry, we won't lock you inside. And that roof that looks like it could slide down? Don't worry about it! > >"Not long, no sir. Right here, in fact." Cap pushed a button that opened a >hidden trap door. CROW: [Antoine] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa... TOM: [Cap] Sorry; guess I shoulda asked you to move. > Beneath was a stair case, and a sight that had both foxes >staring in awe. > >Tails was not content to just stare for long, though, and quickly flew in to get >a better look at the depot. "We could keep going for years with this stuff." > >Antoine followed the pigs inside. "Oui. Eef zey are not trapped for boobies." CROW: It's already captured Pamela Anderson. > >"Perish the thought, good sirs. Robotnik made sure none of his enemies even >knew about this place. Booby traps were unnecessary. TOM: Because accidental discovery is impossible, even if you follow the robots picking up supplies from here. > Why, he even had a cargo >transport making regular runs to this place...at least, he did until we shut it >down to keep Packbell from finding us." MIKE: So a sudden stop in business transactions is *less* suspicious? > >"Does eet still work?" > >"Sure. It's right over here." Cap pointed to an oversized, weaponless >hoverbot, with a huge rear CROW: [Snickers] > hatch. CROW: Oh. > >"Hmm. Tails, I am thinking. Perhaps ah should be taking some of zis back to >Knothole, yes?" > >Tails quickly slowed to a hover, then looked back at his friend. "This isn't >the best time, Antoine. Remember the emeralds?" > >"Yes, oui, I would be safeguarding the yellow one as well." TOM: [Antoine] Beesahdes zee fact zat we were only sent for zee yellow emerald... > >"But...I could use your help with the rest of 'em. Packbell's robots are >probably already near the green emerald." MIKE: But Sally and Amy are going for that one!! > >"All ze more reason for me to make sure we do not lose what we have." > >"Oook, if you say so." TOM: Oook? Tails is a monkey now? CROW: I'm tellin' ya, he and Bobo just hang out together too much. > >"So, how are you going to get to the green emerald? I mean, you can fly, sure, >but you're in no shape to fly all the way over there and back. Would you like a >ride, sonny?" Cap started walking towards a large door on one side of the >depot. > >"Only if it's fast." TOM: "You've never heard of the Robotnik Falcon? She made the Mobius run in twelve parsecs. She's fast enough for you, young man." > >Cap chuckled. "Always the speedster, aren't ya? Well, you'll like this." He >pointed with his stick to a small, sleek hoverbot that could have easily fit >inside the transport twice. "Only enough room for one in there, but it goes >faster than even Sonic. CROW: So why didn't it ever occur to Robotnik or Packbell to use one of those things to turn Sonic into high-speed roadkill? > You might even beat Packbell to the next gem, if you >hurry." > >"Yahoo!" TOM: Alta Vista! Dejanews! Mst3kinfo! > Tails was inside in a blink. "Catch ya back at Knothole, Ant." > >Missy tapped a wall panel in a few specific places, causing the depot door to >open into a concealed passage to the outside. Tails' craft was out of sight in >no time. MIKE: As is any respect I originally had for this fanfic, after reading this chapter. [All leave] [...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk] CROW: How dumb *are* they? MIKE: Glad you've asked! Brainy has set up the same intelligence test he gave us for the Mobians. Now we can find out exactly how smart, or lack thereof, they are! CROW: ...I was being rhetoric. MIKE: ...Oh... well, you'll find out anyway. [Mobius. Hut interior. Desks are lined up in schoolhouse fashion with the core Sonic characters and then some present. All of them are working on exams.] SONIC: Psst, Amy. What's the answer to number 27? AMY: Nineteen. SONIC: The capital of Iran is nineteen? AMY: Uh... yeah. SONIC: Alright... SALLY: Hey! Why are you talking to Amy? SONIC: Uh- AMY: He just prefers me, is all. SONIC: Uh- SALLY: Yeah? SONIC: Uh- AMY: Yeah! SONIC: Uh- SALLY: Yeah? SONIC: Uh- AMY: Yeah! SONIC: Uh- SALLY: Yeah? SONIC: Uh- AMY: Yeah! SONIC: Uh- SALLY: You anteater! Take this. [Sally jumps from her desk (knocking it over) and starts battling in a cloud of cartoon-style dust.] SONIC: Uh........ so it was nineteen you said? [Pan over to Pearl, Observer, and Bobo.] OBSERVER: Reason number one: they're dumber than a sack of hammers. BOBO: So? OBSERVER: Well... okay, they're your type, but it's still a reason. BOBO: I suppose so. AMY: [Offscreen] Ow! My unbelievably huge eye! [Commercials]