[All enter] >Chaos Race > >Part 4: Purple > >Written by: CROW: Nobody. > Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi > >[Legal disclaimer: MIKE: "I don't want this; I disclaim it completely." > >This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, >Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely >distribute this story, so long as: TOM: Nobody is forced to read it. >a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who >distributes the story, and TOM: Mike, please tell me that doesn't say what I think it said! MIKE: What? TOM: That the authors think people will pay for this story! CROW: Hey, the story's better than the Sonic comics that Archie printed. [Tom groans] >b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored. >In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it. > >Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.] > >****** > >Faster than most eyes could track, Princess Sally Acorn dashed down a path she >had traveled more times than she cared to count. MIKE: Four. > It was one of the many paths >that lead from Knothole's entrance to the meadow surrounding Robotropolis. >She recognized every tree; the forest animals that scattered out of her way TOM: As she proceeded along her path like a juggernaut. >seemed like old friends. The shadow cast by the Floating Island just made it >seem as though night had already fallen, until she left the shadow behind. CROW: Oh, poor Alec Baldwin must be crushed! > Most >familiar of all, though, was the part that she wished she would never have had >to experience: MIKE: Her high school reunion. TOM: [Simultaneously] The Adam Sandler-Pauly Shore double feature. [Pause] BOTH: Will you cut that out?... D'oh! Stop it! STOP IT! > Robotropolis itself. Merely seeing the former capital of the >Kingdom of Acorn reminded her why she had to retrieve the purple Chaos Emerald >before the city's residents did. CROW: Her sister double-dog-dared her to. > >The abrupt change from fresh air to barely tolerable smog MIKE: Whoever smelt it dealt it! CROW: He who denied it supplied it! > put her instincts on >alert, but she knew Packbell would be too distracted to deal with her at the >moment. Sally was more concerned about the hedgehog she carried, whom she still >considered untested. TOM: "I hate exams" > She put Amy down and lead her into the city, carefully >avoiding detection. CROW: Her radar detector was dead, however, so she was soon pulled over for speeding. > >****** > >The emerald's course had been plotted TOM: Rather badly. > to one of Robotropolis's few remaining >power plants, MIKE: Where the aggressive corporate daisies hang out. > where the electromagnetic fields would severely hamper any robotic >sensors. Any life form would have little trouble finding the emerald - but most >such forms in the city were not in a position to care about it. As far as Sally >knew, there were only four types of life present: CROW: Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde. TOM: What about Sue? CROW: She was the cute one. > byproducts of Robotnik's >experiments, most of which led deliberately short, painful lives; a few traces >of nonsentient life, TOM: Like Neilsen ratings families. > primarily rodents, MIKE: Like Hollywood agents. > that struggled to eke out an ecological >niche; CROW: Like Comedy Central executives. > billions of Mobians who had been turned into robotic slaves, almost too >far gone to still be called alive; and two Freedom Fighters, who did not intend >to stay for long. TOM: They had a jazzercise class in the morning. > >Amy Rose, on the other hand, was stunned by the sheer contempt for life that >Robotropolis oozed. She had been to the city a few times before, MIKE: To visit the Tick. > but it was >still new enough to her that she sometimes thought it was just a nightmare. "I >wish Sonic was here to help us," she said. "I always felt safe when he was >around. He never let me out of his sight..." > >"That's 'cause he wanted to make sure you won't cause any trouble," Sally >replied dryly. TOM: Well, *more* trouble, anyway. > They were on a death defying mission to CROW: Defy death. > save both Knothole and >the Floating Island, and all Amy could think of was Sonic. > >"No, he did because he loves to have me around. I always stick up for him, and >I believe in him." MIKE: And in Ted Koppel. > >Sally frowned. "I care for him too. You just want him because he's cool and >popular..." TOM: And he's got study hall same period as you... > >"You care for him? You've never let him know that you love him. You order him >around, and flirt with every guy who comes your way. How is that caring?" MIKE: [Sally] Well, I care when *he* flirts with other people. > >"What?" Sally stopped in her pace. "I never flirted with other guys!" CROW: "So I pinched Antoine's butt *once*..." > >"Oh yeah?" Amy grinned smugly. "Remember Griff, the Freedom Fighter from the >underground city? Sonic told me everything about it. Case closed!" > >"That...that was just because Griff was so handsome. Sonic knows I love him. TOM: [Sally] Unless I find another more handsome guy - then you can *have* Sonic. >We go for walks, sit under the moonlight...snuggle..." > >"Well, I would too if you'd stop hogging him! MIKE: [As Sally] "Well, why don't you stop hedging him then?" > You're always around him, every >minute. I can't get close 'cause you won't let me!" > >Sally nodded. "That's right. I won't let you because CROW: I want to hook you up with Crash Bandicoot. > you don't need to. Why >don't you find someone your own age?" ALL: Oooooooo!!! > >"Why don't you find someone your own species?" MIKE: Well, they were all roboticized and work for the forces of evil now. > ALL: Chick fight! Chick fight! >Sally wanted to give an adequate reply, but a noise coming from a nearby alley >caught her attention. ALL: Aw, man. > She quickly ducked behind a nearby garbage pile, pulling >Amy down with her as a SWATbot walked by. "Still hasn't changed their timers," >she thought. TOM: That'll save us two, maybe three painful scenes. > "Packbell's getting sloppy." CROW: Which is like UPN's programming getting stupid. > >"Oof! Was it something I said?" Amy gasped, unaware of the robot. When Sally >had pulled her down, she had looped her arm around Amy's neck, barely loose >enough to allow Amy to speak and breathe. TOM: And other science facts. MIKE: You know, covering her mouth might work better. > >"Shut up, for heaven's sake," Sally whispered. "There's a SWATbot nearby!" > >She was too late. The robot sentry had already stopped, turned around, and >started to walk toward the garbage pile, laser ready to fire. TOM: We should've checked the recycling schedule! > >"Great, now we've been spotted," Sally thought, while ducking deeper into the >pile and cursing herself that she had taken Amy with her on this mission. >"Let's hope he won't find us..." MIKE: [Sally] Nobody's hiding in the garbage. Don't come over here and look. There's really nobody here, honest! > >Suddenly, a small metal arrow zipped past Sally's head and pierced the SWATbot's >armor, vital circuits, and power supply, sending sparks everyhwhere. The robot >made a few jerky moves, then fell to the ground with a *CRASH*. CROW: A crash? MIKE: No, a *CRASH*! > It remained >motionless, useful only as scrap. > >"What..?" TOM: Huh? CROW: ..the heck? MIKE: Where'd that come from? > Sally turned around, to see Amy TOM: Wasn't Amy in a headlock last time we saw her? > holding a small gun-shaped object >with a bow-shaped piece attached to the end of its barrel. CROW: Barrel-shaped barrel? MIKE: Notice it shoots arrow-shaped arrows. Clever, huh? > >"Nice gadget, huh?" TOM: Eh, fair episode, but Don Adams is good in anything. > Amy smirked while inserting a new arrow. "I brought this >in case I had to deal with SWATbots. Works every time." > >"Now listen here, young lady," Sally growled. "Next time, be more careful. >Just because Sonic always takes risks doesn't mean that we should do the same." > >"Oh, you prissy princesses are all the same," Amy pouted. "Prissy. Sonic likes >how I handle things. That's why we fit together so perfectly." ALL: Chick fight! > >Sally sighed. "Listen, I'm not going to stand here and bicker on this! Let's >ask Sonic himself who he prefers, as soon as we get back!" CROW: Let's see some scratching and biting! > >"FINE! I can't wait to hear his decision." TOM: Doodily-doodily-doodily! [Sonic] But I like Nicole! > >Sally took her microcomputer from her boot. "Nicole, can you locate the >emerald?" CROW: Darn. MIKE: Patience, Crow. They *have* to try to kill each other sooner or later. > >"AFFIRMATIVE, SALLY. THE EMERALD IS LOCATED IN THE POWER PLANT 50 METERS TO >YOUR LEFT," Nicole replied. MIKE: Right. TOM: No, left. MIKE: Left. Right. TOM: No, no. MIKE: Right? TOM: No, left. MIKE: Okay. TOM: Right. MIKE: Okay then. TOM: No, no, the left! MIKE: It's left? TOM: Right! > >"Ok, let's go!" > >****** > >Amy and Sally reached a huge platform overlooking the generator array. The >power plants were about as close as anything in Robotropolis got towards waste >management: they burned organic refuse MIKE: That's exactly how I feel after too many tacos. > from the rest of the city, and used the >rising smoke to turn turbines which generated electricity. Even here, the >atmosphere was not actually toxic, but it smelled as if it were. CROW: Um, if you tried to smell toxic stuff, wouldn't it kill you? How could you know what it smells like? > When the power >plants were operating at 100 percent of their designed capacity, only special >acid-proof robots could safely operate below the platform, whose air filters >recycled the acidic vapors for use elsewhere. Packbell had been running the >plants at above 100 percent ever since his takeover. TOM: Causing it to burn out and become useless in hours. > Even though the plant >occupied a full square kilometer of Robotropolis, and was hundreds of meters >tall, Robotnik's insistence on a polluting design had ultimately worked to his >disadvantage: CROW: He could no longer tell a cabbage from a lettuce. > Mobitropolis's smaller power plants had, before Robotnik wrecked >them in his takeover, MIKE: Given generously to the United Way. > produced many times as much power with no pollution. TOM: Why does Robotnik or Packbell suddenly sound like a villain from Captain Planet? > >Totally oblivious to this, Amy's thoughts were still centered around Sonic. > >"He's going to like *me* better!" > >"Yeah, right." Sally nodded in anticipation. "Now, can you please give it a >rest? We have to find the emerald. Start searching!" CROW: File not found. > >They both started to search the platform. The ventilators, which spared them >from the acidic sauna MIKE: Whoa, I've had some acidic sauna's too, man. > meters below, projected enough of their machinery through >the platform to turn it into a giant maze. > >"Once Sonic even brought me a flower when I felt glum..." Amy sighed, lost in >her thoughts. > >"Just one?" Sally snorted, unable to stand it any longer. TOM: Why do we hafta put up with this attitude of her's every month? > She walked over to >Amy, and turned her around. "Listen here, pencil head! Sonic is mine! I have >known him longer than you, and I give the orders around here!" > >"Boyfriend stealer!" MIKE: Denture wearer! > >"He was never your boyfriend to begin with!" CROW: Yes he was! I have the paternity papers to prove it! > >"'Cause you stole him from me!" TOM: How can she steal him if he wasn't her boyfriend? MIKE: Never mind, it's never wise to get involved in an argument between females. > >"I'm a princess. I will go out with whomever I choose. Sonic is mine. Go >find your own boyfriend." > >"Go find your brain!" TOM: Take it to the Wizard! > >"Don't talk back to me, young lady!" > >Amy grinned. "I'm not one of your Freedom Fighters, I'm a free hedghog. CROW: How do you pronounce 'hedghog'? TOM: The same way you just did. CROW: Oh... wha-huh? > You >can't command me. I will talk back to whomever I choose!" > >Sally was getting really mad now. "Watch what you're saying, little girl..." > >"Don't call me a little girl, TOM: "I'm a vertically challenged second-sexed pre-adult." > you egotistical excuse for royalty," Amy cried >back, inwardly seething. > >"Go jump in a roboticizer!" > >With that, Sally leaped at Amy. They both rolled over the ground, fighting >furiously. CROW: Finally... > >"There's only one girl fit for Sonic, and that's me!" Amy screamed. TOM: I'm tailor made to fit him! > >"There's not enough room for the both of us, you pink pin cushion!" MIKE: They suddenly break out in an exchange of Snidely Whiplash/Dr. Smith insults! > >At this close range, Amy could not turn around to use her quills, and thanks to >her reliance on her pistol, she was not very experienced in hand to hand combat. CROW: She was, however, very experienced at things like snuggling. > >Sally, on the other hand, was in her element. She saw Amy trying to curl up, TOM: This doesn't exactly have the oomph we were hoping for, does it? >and countered with a well aimed uppercut. The force of her blow sent the CROW: I guess not. >hedgehog flying across the roof. She watched with satisfaction as Amy crashed MIKE: In fact, I don't really care how this ends, as long as somebody gets beheaded. >into the back side of a projecting air vent. CROW: Oh, yay. Her back has snapped. > >Sally climbed a nearby railing to get up again, and dusted herself off. MIKE: [Singing] She gets knocked down, but she gets up again, you're never going to keep her down! > "There! >That should teach you not to mess with a princess, you EEK!" TOM: Oh yeah? Well you're a YIPE! > The railing she >had leaned on suddenly gave way, and she fell over the edge of the platform. > >In an instant, Amy dove forwards toward Sally, CROW: ...and pushed her. > and managed to grab her >outstretched hand. Sally looked down at the generators below, MIKE: Which were down. > which were >working so far over their design capacity that arcs of electricity played >between them through the deadly miasma. One of the arcs nipped at Sally's >heels, prompting her to grab Amy's arm with her other hand. Only then did Sally >realize why she was still above the vapor. TOM: Would that be because the laws of gravity were repealed? MIKE: Did Sally suddenly gain the ability to fly? CROW: Or did she just forget to look down? MIKE: Is it the ten-foot thick plexiglass wall under her feet? > >Sally looked at Amy, and for a brief moment, she was afraid that Amy might just >drop her. TOM: Please? > A moment that seemed like an eternity to her. Eventually, Amy's arm >slowly pulled her upwards, until she was safely back on the platform. CROW: Then she was pushed off. TOM: [Amy] I wanted the satisfaction of making you fall myself. > >"Why...why didn't you let me fall?" Sally was panting heavily, fear having made >her forget to breathe. CROW: Well, 'cause the Sonic fans get all whiny every time you do fall to your death. > "You could have had Sonic all to yourself." > >"No way! Sonic will choose who he loves. MIKE: Himself. > I will make him love me because of >who I am, not because I'm the only one left. CROW: [Amy] Anyway, I'm still working on offing that Boobowski girl. There are three more after her, before I get to you. > Besides, we're after the purple >emerald, right?" Amy's other hand grabbed the gem, caught on some wiring just >below the railing Sally had fallen through. TOM: Dah- Jeez! MIKE: Packbell magically intercepts the gray emerald without explaining how, but he misses the purple one that landed right next to his headquarters! > "Purple is the color of royalty, so >you should have it." She offered it up to her opponent. > >Sally snatched the emerald from Amy, then paused to consider what she had just >said. "Yes, royalty should have it..." > >One thought screamed in her head, CROW: You mean that Michael and Janet Jackson video? > but Sally would not let herself give voice to >it: "...the one who has earned royalty, not the one who was born with it." TOM: Okay, so how the hell is that relevant? [All leave] [...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk] TOM: Wow, Amy changed from a vindictive, whiny, dreamy little girl to a selfless, heroic young lady. CROW: In other words, the author came up with a lame way to make a point about sportsmanship between competitors. MIKE: How much you wanna bet that she's not back to normal by her next scene? CROW: Sorry Mike, she's definitely going to be the same whiny Amy we know and hate. MIKE: How about you, Tom? TOM: Same here. MIKE: Cambot? [Cambot nods no] MIKE: Oh well, it's not like I could *do* anything with any money I'd win. [Mobius. In the village. Sonic is sitting on a bench staring at the sky.] SONIC: Heh heh... birdies... [splat!] Oh yuck! [Enter Amy Rose] AMY: Hi there, Sonic. SONIC: Hi there... uh... Pinky. AMY: Tee-hee. That's a cute nickname. SONIC: Yeah... nickname... AMY: [Sitting down next to Sonic] Soooooooooooooo... SONIC: Yeah? AMY: Soooooooo... hell with it; kiss me. SONIC: Huh? AMY: Kiss me! SONIC: But Sally- AMY: Yeah, Sally. She can go lick my- SALLY: Hi, Sonic. AMY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! SALLY: Messing with my property again, eh? AMY: Yours!?? SALLY: Yeah! Move it, Pinky! AMY: How DARE you call me that! SONIC: Huh? SALLY: You moo-cow! [They do battle once more.] SONIC: "Moo-cow"? [Pan to the right where Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are.] OBSERVER: Reason number two: They're *attracted* to stupid people, spreading the gene further. PEARL: Yeah, the last thing I wanna see is girls going ga-ga over you. BOBO: Hm... reasonable enough. [Commercials]