[All enter] >Chaos Race > >Part 5: Red TOM: [Singing in a rich voice] The blood of angry men! Black - the dark of ages past! > >Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi MIKE: Produced by: Two guys and a computer TOM: Catered by: These guys' moms > >[Legal disclaimer: > >This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, CROW: So stop snickering already! >Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. Permission is granted to freely >distribute this story, so long as: >a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who >distributes the story, and TOM: Does that mean I could trade the story for a Pentium II? MIKE: I think so. TOM: Cool. >b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored. >In other words, CROW: Bliggelty bloppelty snoogelty snop. > don't sell it, and don't alter it. > >Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.] > >****** > >Sally raced to the edge of Robotropolis with Amy in tow, TOM: Amy shouldn't have parked in a tow-away zone. > toward the area where >they expected to find the red Chaos Emerald. As she ran, she secured the purple >Chaos Emerald with a strap on the inside of her vest. "Nicole, can you locate >the emerald yet?" CROW: [Nicole] AFFIRMATIVE. IT IS SECURED WITH A STRAP ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR VEST. > >"AFFIRMATIVE, SALLY. ACCORDING TO MY SENSOR READINGS, THE EMERALD HAS LANDED >SOMEWHERE IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE." TOM: Do the anthropomorphic pixels know they're in the Forbidden Zone? > >"Forbidden Zone? That doesn't sound so good," Amy interrupted. "Why is it >called that?" CROW: Maybe because it's forbidden? > >The squirrel finished positioning the gem, snapped the strap shut, and gestured >with her free hand. "Because this place is full of bad magics. TOM: Thank you, Leela. > No one knows >why, but long ago, several mages staked out their own territories in here, and >altered the land to conform to their wishes. MIKE: But since that's the plot of a Mage fan fic, we'll move on. > Mobotropolis was founded, in part, >by refugees from this place. Those who cast the spells made everything they saw >do as they wanted. For the others, however, it was intolerable at times." CROW: Sigfried and Roy kept showing up. > >"Kinda like what Robotnik did with his roboticizer?" > >"I guess it was. MIKE: Maybe...well, no. > I never thought of it that way before. There are paths >between the zones, if you know which landmarks to follow." Sally stopped and >pointed to a faintly glowing line on the ground. TOM: "Forbidden Zone This Way. You must be this tall to be forbidden." > "This must be where it starts. >The zone's borders were marked for all time by its magic." > >"Wait, there's a sign." Amy pointed to a wooden plank, which had long since >fallen from its rotted post. "I can't read it." CROW: Maybe you should flip it over? The writing's on the other side. > >"Let me." MIKE: You're holding it upside-down. > Sally's minicomputer was in her hand before Amy could blink. >"Nicole: translate." TOM: [Nicole] It says "Eat at Joe's." > >"WORKING...WARNING: FILES FOR THIS LANGUAGE INCOMPLETE. TRANSLATION WILL BE OF >INFERIOR QUALITY." MIKE: [Sally] Damn Windows 95. > >"Incomplete files?" Amy regarded Nicole quizically. "I thought it had >complete files on everything it was programmed with." CROW: Are you casting doubt on my magic plot advancer? > >Sally grimaced. "It usually does. But some of the ancient languages are so old >that the knowledge was partially lost over the time. Nicole, give us your >'inferior' translation." TOM: "TWAS BRILLIG, AND THE SLITHY TROVES..." > >"'YOU ARE ENTERING A ZONE OF JUSTICE. MIKE: NOT OF SIGHT AND SOUND... > YOU MIGHT HARM YOURSELF.'" > >"Huh." Amy pondered for a few seconds. "That doesn't sound like a warm >welcome." CROW: It took her a few seconds to figure that out? > >Sally looked around, seeing ruins and orange, cracked dirt all around. MIKE: Look at that. We're walking on the surface of a giant cantaloupe. > "We'll >find out soon enough, I guess. Right now, let's get what we came for. Hold >on." She picked up Amy and took off. > >Nearby, a creature stepped from the shadows. TOM: WHO RANG THAT BELL? CROW: There is no bell. TOM: Oh. Uh...bye, then. > "So, the thieves have arrived. >But I will get back what is rightfully mine!" It glanced after the females, >then sped away. CROW: No maniacal laughter? > >****** > >The duo followed Nicole's directions TOM: "Leftish." > to an ancient structure. Most of the >building had deteriorated over time, leaving only the exterior walls intact. >Even those walls were in poor shape; the only remaining decoration was an >engraving of some scales over the main doorway. MIKE: "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night...hey!" > Whatever its function had once >been, the edifice's interior now served only as a container for a jumble of tall >weeds. TOM: Hmmm, a building with scales in the zone of justice. Could it be a courthouse? > >"I don't get it. The emerald crashed right here." Sally puzzled over an >emerald-shaped hole in the ground. CROW: Hey, no, don't tip me over I'll fall iiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn! > "Packbell's robots aren't here yet, so who >could have taken it?" MIKE: Like there's nobody else on Mobius who would want the Godlike powers conferred by a Chaos Emerald. > >"Packbell isn't coming, I'm afraid. Hehehehehe," a snivelling voice sounded >from behind them, making them turn around. Hidden in the shadows at the far >corner of the building were five SWATbots and a cloaked figure, TOM: And Jooooe. > standing in >front of a hoverbot. They moved into the light as the pair turned. > >"That voice... CROW: Guest appearance by Rocket J. Squirrel. > who are you?" Sally yelled across the field while putting her >computer back on its boot sheath. > >"Has it really been that long, Princess? Then allow me to introduce myself >again. I am Snively..." The figure tossed aside its cloak with a flourish, >revealing the face of Robotnik's lackey. "...the Great!" > >Sally and Amy gasped in unison. TOM: You have *got* to be joking. > "But you're dead," Sally protested. CROW: [British] I got better. > >"Rumors of my demise have been exaggerated, for all our sakes. MIKE: Well, in Snively's case, just because of the glee it gave everyone. > You got to focus TOM: "... *then* click the shutter" >on Packbell, Packbell got to focus on you, and I got to crawl around a city I >helped create, hiding for my very life!" Snively's voice had picked up a tone >of hatred that only Robotnik's had had. "Oh, yes, we all came off the better." CROW: Oh yes. MIKE: Yup. TOM: Glad we're all in agreement with that. > >Sally folded her arms. "And just what part of Mobitropolis did you build?" MIKE: [Snively] Well, I changed a light bulb once. Doesn't that count? > >"Only its demise. I was talking about CROW: Shaft! > Robotropolis. With Robotnik gone, that >should have been MY city. MIKE: I called dibs! > But nooo...Packbell's AI had to malfunction, forcing >me to play dead." > >"Malfunction? Looks like he just took over." > >"He was supposed to be subservient to me, not just to Robotnik. TOM: But once we got put in gym class together he couldn't stop giving me wedgies. > He never did >follow my orders, though, unless I convinced him of my reasons." MIKE: Wow, intelligent artificial intelligence. What a concept. > >"Gee," Amy giggled, "that doesn't sound like a robot. Mr. Packbell must be a >person." > >Snively frowned. "Enough of this. TOM: Now are you gonna gimme the emerald or do hafta whine endlessly some more? > I'm here for the emerald. I'd rather take >you alive for roboticization, but if I have to destroy such potentially useful >workerbots..." Snively sighed. "...so be it. Now hand it over!" > >"But we don't have the red emerald." MIKE: "We only have the purp--MRRPH! Sally, why can't we tell him we have--AWK!" > >"I can see that, you fools. I'm talking about the one you've already >'liberated'." CROW: Now the emeralds want equality, too. > >Sally drew her vest tighter, TOM: Say... > protectively guarding the purple gem inside. "The >Chaos Emeralds are no good apart." MIKE: Except back there where we saw them giving that packrat super-speed and the deroboticizer power. > >"That's not your concern, princess. And since you don't seem willing to give >me what I want..." Snively snapped his fingers. "SWATbot KP7672, CROW: Isn't that Ken Penders' AOL address? > step >forward!" > >One of the SWATbots stepped out of the group and aimed its laser at Sally. > >"I've upgraded this robot's circuitry." Snively grinned evilly. TOM: Now it'll screw up twice as fast! > "If you move, >it will fire, and it will hit you with its first shot. MIKE: Yeah. TOM: Right. CROW: Sure. > You may be able to run >almost as fast as Sonic now, but even he can't outrun a laser beam. TOM: The eternal conflict: Real physics versus Cartoon physics. > There is >nothing you can do except let me take the gem." MIKE: Snively continued to taunt them with "Nanny-nanny, poo-poo." > >"We'll just see about that." Sally dashed to the side, but the SWATbot fired >before she could budge more than an inch. The last thing she saw before >darkness consumed her was a beam of white light, which hit her directly between >the eyes. > >****** CROW: All six of them. > >"Yo, Red, I'm back. It's time to go." TOM: PimpBot pays another visit to Conan O'Brien. > >The red Chaos Emerald rose into the air, circled for a bit, CROW: Got dizzy, vomited, and fell back down. > then flew towards >its caller. > >"I will not give you up, Red. And Purple shall also leave this place with us." TOM: Is he talking about the gem like it's a sentient object? >He sighed. MIKE: By the way, we're an interesting new perspective that's been carefully hidden from the story until now. > "I never thought she would stoop to this, but the years, they have >changed her." CROW: The nerve of her saying the Backstreet Boys are better than Hanson! > >The gem stumbled in its flight, then sent a note of distress to its master. > >"What? TOM: "I think he's trying to tell me something! What is it, boy?" > Purple be in trouble?" He clenched his fists, baring the spiked >knuckles for which the Chaos Emeralds' guardian was named. MIKE: Spike. > >****** > >Amy could only stare in horror as Sally collapsed. At the same moment, TOM: Somewhere, a bird chirped. > the >firing robot's head exploded. CROW: Relative of yours, Tom? > >"Wha-" Snively backpedalled to avoid the falling robot body. "Seems like >Packbell doesn't build SWATbots as well as I did." TOM: So the policy of randomly blasting the ones that show any sign of motivation doesn't work? > He looked at the heap of >scrap metal. > >"What are you trying to do, Snively, insult us?" Amy shouted defiantly, "If >you're going to stop us, the least you could do would be to scrap your defective >'bots." MIKE: The year 2000 bug really hit Mobius hard. > She reached for her weapon, but stopped when the remaining SWATbots all >trained their lasers on her. > >"Do it and fry, hedgehog," Snively sneered as he stepped towards Sally's limp >body. "I'll take that emerald..." CROW: And while she's unconscious, I'd might as well- > >"No you won't!" CROW: Darn. > A red blur dashed in, seemingly from nowhere, and headed >straight for Snively. TOM: The red emerald talks? > >"Knuckles!" Amy shouted with joy. MIKE: Wrists! Earlobes! Teeth! > >Knuckles' fist was positioned as a battering ram, and his lead him directly to >Snively and the SWATbots. Snively could not get out of Knuckles' way, so he >ducked. CROW: He couldn't get out of the way, so he gets out of the way. > Fortunately for him, Knuckles tripped over Snively, slamming the >echnida to the ground. > >At the same moment, an unseen force knocked Snively down. TOM: Harvey the Rabbit: Hitman. > >Knuckles quickly got up. "Ha! Didn't feel a thing." MIKE: I only landed on my head. > He turned around, and >knelt by the would-be dictator. "Hey, ain't you s'posed to be dead, mon? Don' >worry, Knuckles'll fix that." He raised his arm, then brought it down like a >jackhammer. > >Knuckles' eyes rolled up, and his body toppled over unconcious. TOM: "Aw, man, I had too much Chinese..." > >****** > >In all the confusion, Amy had managed to grab Nicole, which had slipped from >Sally's boot as she fell. MIKE: Slipped out of the secured, accident-proof container. CROW: Again. > Something was wrong here, and she had to find an >explanation for this. > >"Nicole, do you have any information about a 'Zone of Justice'?" TOM: Well, Superman and Wonder Woman were hanging around earlier...I know Aquaman was really hot on the concept. > >"USER UNKNOWN. PLEASE STATE IDENTITY." MIKE: PLEASE RE-TYPE PASSWORD. > >"Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I haven't spoken to you before. I am Amy Rose, but >you can just call me Amy." CROW: But my friends call me Skip. > >"SEARCHING...RECORD FOUND." A miniature hologram of Amy appeared above Nicole. >"NAME: AMY ROSE. STATUS: FREEDOM FIGHTER. ALIAS: ROSY THE TOM: Riveter? > RASCAL." > >"'Rascal'?" Amy blushed. "Sonic told you, didn't he?" > >"AFFIRMATIVE. CROW: HE SAID YOU WERE A PSYCHO BITCH AND SHOULD BE SHOT ON SIGHT. > SONIC HEDGEHOG CREATED FILE ON AMY ROSE. IDENTITY CONFIRMED. >SECURITY PERMISSIONS ALLOW UNRESTRICTED USE OF THIS DEVICE." TOM: Maybe she'll find a way to screw up even *more*. > >"Good. Now, do you have any information for me?" MIKE: Uh...no. Sorry. > >"AFFIRMATIVE, AMY. ACCORDING TO THE LEGENDS, THE MAGES WHO CREATED THIS ZONE >MADE IT TO BE A PLACE OF PEACE, WHERE NO ONE COULD BE WRONGED." CROW: Those foul mages! TOM: You can see why they were exiled from normal society, huh? > >"A zone of peace, huh?" Amy thought out loud. "And a sign that you might harm >yourself..." There was only one way to find out. MIKE: Put on a chicken suit and do The Hustle. > Turning to the SWATbots, she >yelled, "Hey, SWATbots, now that your leader's out of it, why don't you just put >down your guns?" > >"YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO GIVE ORDERS, FREEDOM FIGHTER." CROW: WE ARE PROGRAMMED TO SHOOT ALL FREEDOM FIGHTERS ON SIGHT... UM... IT'S OUR UNION BREAK NOW, APPARENTLY. > >Amy took a deep breath. "Ok, you asked for it." In a flash, Amy pulled out her >arrow gun and pointed it at the closest SWATbot, ready to shoot. MIKE: This will cover you with shaving cream. > >She was hit by several laser blasts, followed by some nearby explosions. TOM: The Power Rangers had obviously returned from space. CROW: Yes! Amy bites the dust! > >The pink hedgehog opened her eyes again. She was not hurt. CROW: They never die, do they? NEVER NEVER NEVER! MIKE: Take a deep breath, Crow. It's going to be all right. > But the SWATbots >were all lying on the ground, totally destroyed. "Phew. Thought so." Amy >sighed, looking at the smoking remains of the robots. TOM: Smoking *is* injurious to health. > >Snively tried to get to his feet, but slipped and fell down again. MIKE: This guy couldn't intimidate moss. > "You haven't >seen the last of me," he announced with a weak voice. CROW: We haven't seen the first of him. > "Hoverbot, initiate >evacuation protocol!" > >The hoverbot extended a claw from a recessed compartment, accelerated, TOM: And ran over him. > picked >up Snively as it passed, and sped off. > >Amy smirked as she walked over to the red emerald, which had followed Knuckles >like a stray puppy. CROW: But aren't all puppies sentient on this planet? TOM: We apparently have opposing views on what "sentient" means. > She reached out to take it, only to have Knuckles' hand >snap up and grab her wrist. > >"Don' even tink about it." Knuckles sat up, rubbing his head. MIKE: The Denorex side tingles... > "Mon, what >happened? I feel like I punched myself." > >"You did. That's what the Justice Zone's magic is: TOM: Confusing and ill-considered. > if you hurt anyone else, you >just wind up hurting yourself. When you tripped, Snively was knocked out. When >the SWATbots fired, they damaged themselves." CROW: So what happens if you commit suicide in this zone? MIKE: Uh... hm... > >"Then what happened to Sally?" > >"She thought she was dead. I guess she fainted from shock." > >"She may be after I get through with her. TOM: She may be fainted? She already is! > Nobody steals my emeralds and gets >away with it." CROW: Tell that to the other subplots. > >"What are you talking about? We didn't steal any emeralds." MIKE: And we didn't steal no bike neither! > >"Oh, yeah?" Knuckles turned Sally over, letting her vest fall open CROW: Ooooo. > to show CROW: Uh-huh? > the >purple gem. CROW: Drat. > "Then what's that doing there?" TOM: Uh...nesting for the winter? > >"We were trying to get the emeralds back to the Floating Island." > >"Oh." He was temporarily nonplussed, but soon recovered. MIKE: System error. Restart or cancel? > "Forget it. I'll get >the gems back by myself. If it hadn't been for you, the Chaos Emeralds never >would've left my island. I don't need you to keep messing things up." Knuckles >sighed as he checked Sally for damage. "Should've known she'd never steal." CROW: But I didn't, anyway. > >"You two know each other?" > >"Kind of. She spent a summer on my island, once." TOM: We had fun, we had joy, we had seasons in the sun. > Finding no injury, Knuckles >removed the emerald from Sally's vest, CROW: Whoops. Sorry. Didn't mean to cop a feel there. > touched it to the red one, and watched >them hover together as if attached by a steel rod. TOM: Why a steel rod? Why not a plastic rod, or an aluminum rod or a wooden one? > He knelt to pick up Sally. >"C'mon, this zone gives me the creeps." CROW: [Knuckles] And I need to see where I left my accent. > >****** > >Sally abruptly started crying as soon as Knuckles carried across the border. >"Nooo...S-sonic, I never got a chance to say goodbye..." Her eyelids were shut >tight, and nothing below her mouth visibly moved. MIKE: So she became a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. > >"One of us should wake her up." TOM: Somebody in this story should do something without warning us about it first. CROW: Yup. > >Knuckles placed his hand under Sally's head. "Salllly...c'mon, princess, you >don' wanna sleep forever." MIKE: [Sally] I'm not sleeping, I'm dead you idiot! > >"Huh?" Sally's eyes fluttered open. "Knuckles? Wha...what happened?" > >"Well, you -" Knuckles' statement was cut off when Sally liplocked him. CROW: Good point. Let's not talk. > >Amy looked back just in time to see this. "One summer?" > >Knuckles, unable to speak and unwilling to move his head, gave Amy one thumb up. TOM: Tasty and nutritious. CROW: He didn't see what she gave him in response. > >Amy's fury was plainly visible. "First she tried to have Sonic all to herself, >and now Sonic isn't even the only one she was after! How could she? How long's >she known Sonic? A month?" Amy stormed off. MIKE: And nobody realized she was gone forever for months. > >Sally broke off too late to see Amy. "Who was that?" TOM: Maybe the other person in the story at this point. > >"Some crazy girl. Why'd you kiss me?" CROW: Mon. > >"I'm never going to see Sonic again, but you're here. I guess it was fate..." TOM: Even though you're nothing like Sonic I'll kiss you instead. > >"What, did Sonic leave you?" MIKE: Mon. > >"We're dead..." TOM: "Sonic's gonna kill us when he finds out about this." > >"No, we're not." CROW: Mon. > Knuckles grinned. "You only tink you be dead." CROW: Mon mon mon. > >Sally gasped, and looked around. "You...but I...how MIKE: Huh... what... who... what-what-what... duh... huh... > could I have survived >that?" > >"You be tougher than you think. TOM: Mon. > So, what were you doing with my emerald?" MIKE: Mon? > >Sally patted her vest where she had hidden the purple gem, then saw the object >of her search floating behind Knuckles. "I was trying to get it back to you." > >"That'd be much faster if I came along, no?" CROW: Depends how much time you spend making nookie, doesn't it? > >"We thought Packbell had already taken you out, with his missles." > >"Ha! ALL: WAUGH! > Ain' no robot gonna get the better o' me! 'Specially not the Tinker Toy >In Chief. C'mon, let's get the other emeralds." CROW: Not since Tom Sawyer has an accent been so cleverly described in text. > >Sally reached to her boot. "Ok, just - WHAT?!?" She stared in near shock at >her empty boot sheath. "Omigod, where's Nicole?" TOM: [Knuckles] Girl, you named your computer? You be crazier dan I thought. > >"That computer o' yours? I saw Amy walking off wit' it." MIKE: Mon. > >"I can't find the emeralds without her. Which way did Amy go?" > >Knuckles pointed, and quickly lifted Sally from the ground to prevent her from >giving chase. "Why's Amy so 'portent?" TOM: Mon. > >"Not Amy, Nicole. MIKE: [Knuckles] My name's not Nicole. > She's got a map of the Chaos Emeralds' crash sites." > >"You be 'ferring to yo' computer as a 'she'?" Knuckles shook his head. "C'mon, CROW: Are you taking me to the big place? TOM: Yes, Sally, you'll love it at the big place. >I'm taking you home. Blue and Yellow are already on their way back to >the Floating Island. MIKE: They always keep a twenty in their socks in case they need to call a cab. > Amy's gonna get Pink, and..." He massaged his forehead. CROW: Ohhh, YES! I'm a miracle worker. >"I can't sense Green or Grey." > >"How do you know Amy will beat Packbell to the Pink emerald? And how will she >get it back in time? TOM: Find out next time! Same Hedgehog Time, same Hedgehog Channel! > She can't run as fast as we can." > >Knuckles grinned. "'Cause I already trashed the 'bots that were headed for it. CROW: Duh-huh! Me smart! >Trust me, girl, Amy's gonna do just fine. With all the magic in the Forbidden >Zone, she may even beat us back to Knothole." TOM: Or she may be turned into a green, two-headed mutant. Never know... > >"That's why we've got to stop her. She could stumble into something dangerous, >and..." Sally struggled against Knuckles' grasp, but could do nothing. > >"Don' worry. From what I've seen of her, she'll be alright." MIKE: A little helplessness is *good* for a brat. [All leave] > Knuckles sped off >for Knothole, still carrying Sally. [...safe...2...3...4...5...6...klunk-shunk] [Very elaborate Christmas decorations surround the bridge. A eighty piece orchestra is playing a little prologue to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" very enthusiastically. Mike and all the robots rush on screen with caroler get-ups. They sing:] MIKE: The last hour 'fore Knothole was crushed, my acquaintance gave to me, ALL: 12 SWATbots marching, 11 screwed-up planes, 10 Robotniks screaming, 9 Snivelys cowering, 8 maids a-milking, 7 plot contrivances, 6 Chaotix members, GYPSY: 5 Power Rings, ALL: 4 silly names, 3 is a magic number, 2 of Tails's tails, And a Chaos Emerald! [The music wraps up and everyone speaks rather than sings.] MIKE: [In an enthusiastic "Whaddaya think?" sense] Huh? Huh? CROW: ...Who the hell wrote this sketch? [Mobius. The dust cloud is still present with fighting sounds. Sonic sits there a bit bored.] SONIC: Uh... hm... girls?... Girls?... Hm... [Walks away.] [Fighting continues. Amy's head suddenly pops out of the cloud of dust.] AMY: Uh, Sal? Our hunk just dumped us. [The dust clears, revealing that Sally hadn't been there at all.] AMY: Wha-huh?! [Looks left as the camera pans over to Sally sitting on a stump.] You were there the whole time? SALLY: Well, most of it. My back got sore. I needed a chuckle. AMY: Ohhhh... I feel like a moron. SALLY: Well, you are. But before you murder me, lemme explain why; you're fighting for something you know will never work out in the end. Unless some self-insertion guy comes in to steal my heart with Sonic oddly not minding, my love is always his. You're a minor character that's lucky enough to not represent an author. AMY: Even though you shot me thinking I was. SALLY: Sonic did, actually. AMY: Oh yeah... I've been fighting for the love of someone that tried to wipe out my organic existence. Thanks, Sally. You are a true friend... Aside from being a bitch and all. SALLY: Oh, you! [They both laugh among themselves as we pan right to Pearl, Observer, and Bobo.] BOBO: Hm, they managed to settle their differences, give an intelligent speech, and keep this so-called gene from spreading. I guess this means we can stay? PEARL: Um... BOBO: Ha ha! I beat you! Ha ha ha ha! PEARL: Brain Guy? OBSERVER: Yup. [Observer clubs Bobo with a baseball bat. Bobo falls down unconscious.] OBSERVER: Hm... I suppose I'll be the one stuck dragging him to the van. PEARL: Yeah. My back and all. OBSERVER: Yeah... Jeez! [Throws down the bat and attempts rather shakily to drag Bobo by the head-fur.] PEARL: And it's back into the thee-ay-ter with you, Nelson. But first, a word from our sponsor. [Commercials]