[All enter] >Chaos Race > >Part 6: Green MIKE: Well, finally. An *emerald* colored emerald. > >Written by: Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi > >[Legal disclaimer: > >This story is based on characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic Publications, >Inc., and Commander Packbell by David Pistone. TOM: So don't blame us. > Permission is granted to freely >distribute this story, so long as: >a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who >distributes the story, CROW: That means you, Phil. > and >b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored. TOM: So that would be before the spell checking, proofreading, and editing? >In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it. > >Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved, et cetera.] > >** MIKE: Plus... > * MIKE: ...Equals... > *** > >In the long swath of jagged peaks known only as the Dark Mountains, CROW: Wow. They aren't the "Great Mountains." This is starting on the right foot! MIKE: D'oh! TOM: Crow! Now you cursed it! CROW: ...Heh...whoops. > one peak >seemed to be missing. Its corresponding mountain thrust up from the earth, only >to suddenly level off halfway up. MIKE: The Plateau of Wile E. Coyote. > A miniature mountain rose in the plateau's >center, as if whatever force had deprived the mountain of most of its top had >left the tip behind. The area was now devoid of life, although a road winding >up the peak to an observatory on its top indicated that someone had once lived >there. TOM: Oh, that's the evil scientist who used the super-magnet to try to beat Superman. > The many machines in the observatory, most rendered nonfunctional by >time, bore silent testimony to the resident's vile nature. CROW: So machines are inherently evil? TOM: I knew it! This story was actually written by the Unabomber! > A statue had once >identified this person, but the edifice had long since rusted and collapsed into >an unrecognizable pile. Only an inscription on the statue's pedestal still bore >its maker's name: Ivo Robotnik. MIKE: Look upon his works, all ye mighty, and despair. > >This observatory had once been Robotnik's favorite hideaway, where he plotted >his takeover of Mobius when he could not use Robotropolis, but it was now >deserted. CROW: Obviously, Robotnik didn't adequately fund the historical societies once he took over. > The area might have been left to sleep forever, a forgotten footnote >in Mobian history, if not a certain green meteor had shattered its slumber. TOM: Chaos Emerald, or fanboy being brought into the Sonic universe? > >****** > > >Inside the observatory, a capsule large enough to hold a small Mobian CROW: Or a large sectoid. > hummed to >life, as did the building's main computer. The capsule opened with a hiss, to >reveal a robot that looked as if, at one time, it had been intended to resemble >a monkey. MIKE: Now it was intended to resemble an antelope, but it still looked a lot like a monkey. > Most of its skin was metal, and a light bulb protruded from its >skull. The robot opened his eyes, which seemed to gleam with evil intelligence, >and looked around the dark room, confused. TOM: Hey, this isn't Robotnik's observatory! It's Dexter's Laboratory! > >"Good afternoon, Coconuts," a snivelling voice greeted him from the darkness. CROW: If it's snivelling, it's Snively! > >Coco replied out of habit, in case whatever had activated his capsule was >listening. "Good afternoon. What does Robotnik want?" He looked around. "And >why are the lights out?" TOM: ["Snivelling voice"] Shh, we're throwing Robotnik a surprise party. > >"I'm afraid that Robotnik is not here anymore. MIKE: He moved to New Jersey, the root of all evil. > He left this place long ago," >the voice replied. > >"He left?" Coco jumped to his feet and slowly paced arond, waving his arms in >the air desperately. CROW: Suddenly, Mighty the Armadillo seems like a sober, reasoned character to drop in. > "Oh, I *knew* that something like this would happen! >Robotnik never tells me anything. He only orders me to cleaning duty all the >time! TOM: And then keeps my banana tied to the ceiling next to some crates. > No one bothers to tell me what's going on!" He ran a finger through the >inches of dust that had collected on the capsule's outside. "And look at this >mess! MIKE: I can't leave you kids alone for a minute! > It will take days to clean it up again." He stopped, squinting into the >darkness. "Who are you, anyway?" CROW: He's snivelling, so he's obviously Snively! No wonder Robotnik could never kill Sonic, with help like that... > >A cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows. TOM: [deep breathing] "I am your father." > "I am Robotnik's nephew, and first >in the line of command." He stretched his body, trying to appear taller than he >was. "My name is Snively - the Great!" CROW: "No, seriously. Who are you?" > >"So why did you activate me?" MIKE: We were out of good ideas. > >"Robotnik sent me on a very important mission. He needs the green Chaos Emerald >that has crashed into this building a short while ago. Unfortunately, I lost >all my SWATbots in an earlier encounter with some Freedom Fighters, so I need >all the help I can get." CROW: He only managed to scrounge up six SWATbots? He might as well give up now. > >Coco pondered for a moment. TOM: "Hm... I sure am coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs..." > "Ok, then let's get Scratch and Grounder. MIKE: Hmm, baseball names. > They can >help, too." > >"Good. If we find the gem in time, I'm sure that Robotnik won't order you to do >cleaning duties ever again!" TOM: Seeing as how he's dead, and we mean it. > >"No cleaning duty anymore? That's great! Finally he will realize my true >value! CROW: Someday, he'll be promoted to be Dilbert's co-worker. > Let's go!" > >"In fact, Robotnik won't give orders to *anyone* ever again," Snively thought >to himself, MIKE: "Hey, I heard that!" TOM: "Oorg! I keep forgetting to not think out loud!" > grinning evilly, while following the robot monkey upstairs. MIKE: Robot monkey janitors battle chaos emerald seeking echidnas. CROW: Suddenly I miss the evil purple robotic ferrets from space. > >****** > >In a small attic near the building's top, a rat's nest of wires had been >arranged to look like a nest. TOM: How... convenient. CROW: I was expecting it to look like a coffee-cup. > Inside the nest was a large, metal egg, with a >prominent crack around its midline. A few of the wires had fallen apart over >time; one of the larger ones sparked at its severed end. MIKE: This is not the way to make people confident in microwave ovens. > >It was here that Coco headed first. TOM: "Hope you don't mind; I keep the car keys up here." > Carefully avoiding the live wire, he >grabbed the egg's top and pulled. The egg popped open, revealing a robot that >looked like a giant chicken. MIKE: Coming in...5..4..3..2..1. Yes. We have now been completely abandoned by God. > Unlike Coco, it had been enlongated vertically, >almost as if it had been stretched like rubber. TOM: Oh, one of those Rubik's Cube spinoff items. > >The robochicken was sitting in a lotus position, blissfully unaware of its CROW: ...impending role as a sandwich filling. >surroundings. Seeing no hope of putting the wires back into place, Coco grabbed >the sparking wire and held it to the other robot's back. > >"YE-HOW!" Scratch leapt to his feet in an instant. MIKE: We've activated one of the Duke boys! > "I'm up! I'm up!" He >looked around for his master, but saw only Coco and Snively. > >Coco dropped the wire. "Hello, Stretch. It's been a while." TOM: "Whatever happened to your line of toys, Mr. Armstrong?" > >"That's Scratch, CocoNUTS. And don't do that again, or I'll tell Robotnik!" > >"Robotnik is not here, but he sent his nephew." Coco pointed toward Snively. CROW: [Scratch] You know, we *could* just rebel entirely. >"He needs us to find a missing Chaos Emerald. Come on, let's find Grounder." > >Coco walked out of the room. Scratch followed, his face reflecting his mind's >blankness. MIKE: "I like french fries." > "Chaos Emerald?" CROW: They would have been better off leaving him disabled. > >****** > >A short mine shaft TOM: Can ya dig it? > lead from the observatory's bottom to an underground cave. CROW: The whole population of Kalgash is down there, hiding out from the eclipse. >The cave's only access to outside air was through the shaft, TOM: Can ya dig it? > as evidenced by the >change in atmospheric composition Coco and Scratch registered as they travelled. >Had any living creatures accompanied them, they would have noticed a different >smell. > >The cave seemed to be littered with inverse stalactites and stalagmites. MIKE: And other geology words. >Everywhere Scratch and Coco looked, cone shaped holes had been drilled into the >walls. CROW: Someone has clearly been mining the place for ice cream snacks. > Only four green objects broke up this landscape, three of which looked >like they had probably caused the holes. > >Coco picked up the smallest of the objects. TOM: This. I'll use this to play Monopoly. > It was a cylinder, with a face that >looked like it had been created out of spare parts: a drill bit for a nose, MIKE: Like Pinnochio. >gauge-shaped cameras for eyes, TOM: Like Mickey Mouse. > and a flexible metal mouth. CROW: Like a coatumundi. > >Coco grinned, held the robot head with both hands and started to shake. A hard >*clunk* was heard from inside the head. > >"Hey, stop it. You're making me dizzy," the head spoke. > >"'Lo, Grounder. TOM: I thought grounders were low by definition. > Pull yourself together. We've got work to do." > >"Oh, ok." One of the other parts, a rounded box on treads, started moving >towards the head. MIKE: Hey... wait... a robot shaped more or less like a bird... CROW: Yes? MIKE: ...a tubby one with no legs... TOM: Uh-huh? MIKE: ...created by one human, but are currently being commanded by a different one... BOTS: So?? MIKE: ...Never mind. > The other two, which looked like arms with drills instead of >hands, tunneled their way into the floor, shot up next to the box, and landed in >sockets designed for them. TOM: Oh, see, this is the part of engineering known as the "cool stuff" module. > >The assembly retracted its arm drill bits, extended machanical hands where the >drills had been, and grabbed the head piece from Coco, placing it on a socket in >the body's top. MIKE: Autobots! Transform and move out! > >"Hey, something's wrong!" Grounder blinked at his behind for a moment, then >removed the head again, turned it for 180 degrees, CROW: And baked for 65 minutes until a toothpick inserted in center came out clean. > and placed it back on its >socket. "There." > >Snively made a face as if he had just bitten into a grapefruit. MIKE: "Maybe I should've stayed dead." > "Oh well. I >guess this will have to do," he sighed. TOM: Wait! Snively's not in the mine shaft. He doesn't know about Grounder yet! > "Now let's find that Chaos Emerald. We >will start upstairs." MIKE: In the Chaos Emerald room. > >"Uh...what's a Chaos Emerald, again?" Grounder looked to Scratch with a blank >expression on his face. > >Scratch whispered something into Grounder's audio sensor. TOM: "You're so sweet, Grounder, you're the only one who ever understood me, kiss me, please..." > >****** > >The hoverbot Tails was piloting had taken him to the observatory faster than he >could fly. He had tried to get some rest during the trip after setting the >hoverbot to autopilot, MIKE: Well, cruise control, anyway. > but it seemed that he had just dozed off when the >proximity alarm woke him. CROW: Then he discovered he'd flown around the planet seven times. > Below him, he could see the building that had once >been Robotnik's base. > >Tails smirked. "Piece of cake. I'll just land, find the emerald, and be off to >Knothole faster than Sonic can eat a chilidog." TOM: Chili dogs. Chili dogs. Is there any piece of incidental characterization other than lousy accents and chili dogs that *anyone* can use in a Sonic fanfic? Please? *Anything* at all? > He landed the hoverbot, got >out, and entered the building. > >Then everything went black. CROW: Oop, animators ran out of money. MIKE: Well I guess *that* plan didn't work. > >****** > >Sinvely grinned as he rubbed his rifle where it had just hit the now-unconcious >fox on the head. TOM: He's rubbing with a wee bit too much enthusiasm. > >"What's Tails doing here? Sonic can't be far behind," Coco deduced. "I'd >better put him in the holding cell." > >Snively motioned with his rifle. "No. Leave him in my custody. CROW: I can screw it up *way* better than you. > You go search >for that Chaos Emerald." > >"Are you sure? Wherever Tails goes, Sonic is sure to follow." MIKE: I thought it was the other way around, wasn't it? > >"Find that emerald fast, then, so I can get out of here before he shows up. >Check out the area CROW: Wh- > with the observatory's telescope, CROW: -at?! > if you want to be sure no >one followed him." With that, Snively lifted Tails up, and walked off. TOM: "Now for our honeymoon." > >****** > >"Go away, it's my turn now!" Scratch pushed Grounder away from the large >telescope, then held his eye to the lense, trying to make something out. MIKE: Take off the lens cap first! > >"Hey, I wasn't finished yet," Grounder protested, pushing back. TOM: Not since the Dinobots has the comic relief hurt so badly. > >"I can spot Sonic much faster than you. You looked through this thing for ten >minutes straight, without seeing anything." Scratch closed one eye, then put >his other up to the telescope's viewer. CROW: Oh, so *that's* how you use one of those things. > "Hmm...that's strange, everything looks >green." > >Coco, who had just walked in, MIKE: Was still going coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. > needed a few seconds to fully contemplate this. >"Green?" TOM: "Who put Jello in the telescope?" > >****** > >Tails woke with a headache, to find himself tied up on a chair. MIKE: [Tails] Wow, that was one heck of a party last night... > >"Oh no, not again," he wailed. TOM: One. > "I knew I should have stayed in bed this >morning. TOM: Two. > This is just not my day..." TOM: Three. MIKE: What are you doing? TOM: Counting the cliches. > >"Ah, so you're awake!" Snively was holding a laser rifle, its buisiness end >aimed at Tails' nose. TOM: Four. Wow. MIKE: At least he didn't wake up saying "Where-" or "Who am I?" TOM: True. > >"Snively? But you're dead." CROW: I am? Well that would explain why my flesh is melting. > >"Almost, but not quite. Now, where is he?" > >"Who?" MIKE: No, he's on first. > >"Sonic. He'd never let you do this alone." > >"He doesn't know I'm here. He's chasing down the other emeralds right now." TOM: Boy, it's awfully nice of Tails to spill the beans so quickly, considering that Snively wouldn't kill him because he's more valuable as a hostage. > >"Then who's your backup? Or did you sneak out of Knothole?" > >"Antoine, but he chickened out." CROW: Hey, heh heh, wh- heh... why did the Antoine cross the road? Heh heh! MIKE: [Deadpan] I give up, Crow. Why? CROW: Because... hehe... because- HAHAHAHAHAAA! Okay, okay, now wait. {Sigh} Okay. I'm better... Because he... {Snort} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... > >Snively lowered his rifle. "Chickened out? TOM: "We ought to team up to be a special all-coward force." > Let me guess, he's safeguarding >the yellow emerald. I'd better recall that squad, then." CROW: Yes, let's all recall them. Remember when they did that thing? MIKE: Oh, yeah, they were a fun squad. That was really cool. TOM: Yup. Nice recollection. Let's move on. > He spoke a few >commands into a communicator, then turned back to Tails. "I am willing to make >a deal with you, little fox. I'm going to let you go, if you don't tell >Scratch, Grounder, or Coco what happened to Robotnik..." CROW: [Snively] Here, let me tell you some more information that you can use against me. > >****** > >Coco whistled a merry tune as he strode away from the telescope. The emerald >had fallen down the telescope's shaft, TOM: Can y-... wait... > breaking most of its lenses. TOM: What are the odds of that? CROW: It's a fanfic. Probability doesn't apply. > Coco now >held the emerald, and was polishing it with a rag as he walked. > >Scratch and Grounder were whispering as he approached. MIKE: [Coco] Talking about me? > >Coco held up the emerald. "When I bring this to Snively, he will make ME the >leader of the Super Sonic Search and Squash Squad, CROW: But I'm more of an asparagus guy, really. > so then you'll have to obey >MY orders!" MIKE: Uh, they already were. > >"Well, then let us lead the way, great Coco." Scratch made an inviting gesture CROW: Deh- >towards a door. CROW: Jeez. > >Coco proudly marched toward it. ALL: Oh-ee-oh. Yo-ho... > >"Uh, a person with such a high rank shouldn't carry things himself," Grounder >objected. "I'll take that emerald for you." > >"Oh, right." Coco handed over the emerald and walked through the door. TOM: Hey, the elevator's brok-AAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! > >No sooner had he passed through than Scratch slammed it shut behind him. MIKE: Holy cow! I did not expect that! > >"Hey, this isn't the way to Snively. It's a storage compartment," Coco's voice >yelled from inside. "Let me out! Help!" TOM: I'm allergic to quadrotriticale! > >"Now WE will bring the emerald to Snively," Scratch yelled back. "And then WE >will command YOU around!" CROW: Commando squad, or first grade recess? You be the judge. > He laughed his trademark laugh. TOM: Scratch's laugh, copyright 3229 Mobian. > >"Yeah," Grounder affirmed as he put the emerald in a large storage compartment >in his chest. "Now let's go find him." > >****** > >"I don't make deals with evil people like you," Tails stated firmly. MIKE: Only people with evil intentions like Cap. > "You'd >just trick me anyway." > >"No, honestly," Snively replied. "All I want is the green Chaos Emerald. Once >I have it, I'll leave. Just don't tell anyone here what happened to Robotnik." TOM: Let me keep repeating the weakness of my fragile authority, since you can't possibly use that to undermine me! > >"Why?" Scratch preceeded Grounder through a door opposite from where Tails >was ready to exit. "What happened?" > >"He's dead." MIKE: "Uh -- was that the part you didn't want me to tell?" > Tails turned his body to face the robots. "Didn't you hear?" > >Scratch's lower jaw fell off and hit the floor. He bent over to pick it up, and >snapped it back into place. CROW: I guess that makes him SSSSSSSSSMOKIN'! MIKE: No! CROW: ...Sorry. > >"D...dead?" Grounder slowly vibrated in place, then pointed a drill-tipped arm >at Snively. "But you said Robotnik sent you!" TOM: I...took a long time getting there. > >"So I lied." Snively shrugged, then pointed his laser at the robots. "But I >was first in command after Robotnik." CROW: In the same way that Prince Charles will someday rule Great Britain. > >"Oh, yeah?" Tails smirked. "Then how come Packbell's running Robotropolis?" > >"Packbell?" Grounder kept his drill pointed at Snively. > >"Your replacement." > >Scratch looked from Snively to Tails. "Shouldn't we be taking orders from him, >then? It sounds like Packbell was Robotnik's second, not Snively." TOM: Wow, rational thought! MIKE: Of course, this is information based off of an enemy that they haven't yet even attempted to verify. > >Grounder opened his compartment, and brought out the gem. "Let's give it to >Packbell. He'll know what to do with it." CROW: He'll eat it! Packbell eats everything! > >"No, I was his second! Packbell was subservient to me!" Snively was livid with >rage. TOM: You *guys*! [Sobbing] You're making this so hard! > "You will give the emerald to ME!" He grabbed for the gem, but Grounder >rolled out of reach. > >"Packbell will probably make us commanders when he gets the emerald," Scratch >continued with glee. MIKE: Or he'll blast you for the suggestion that you did well in retrieving the emerald. > >Tails shook his head. "He wouldn't. Robotnik dumped you here because you >always failed to capture Sonic, and now you think Packbell would act different? CROW: Well, he is even dumber, keep that in mind. >You don't have the brains for commanding anything. You probably don't even know >your own shutoff codes." TOM: Oh, good grief. CROW: Can we spank Adrian Tymes and Alessandro Sanasi? MIKE: Yes. > >"Sure we do," Grounder stated. "Sigma Octo Nova Ire Crisis..." TOM: Isn't this the part of Sesame Street where they count up to 20 in Spanish? > >"No, wa-" Scratch's interruption was itself interrupted, as both robots >deactivated. MIKE: I'd say "natural selection in action" but, heh, they're synthetic. > >"Well done." Snively stepped toward Grounder's still open compartment and took >the emerald. "Finally! It's mine! But, where's Coco?" TOM: Yes, where *is* Coco? Why, let us find out, shall we? > >****** TOM: We wish to discover what has become of Coco, and now... Coco: > >Coco banged against the room's walls, MIKE: Mommy? > but was unable to even dent them. The >sealed compartment had been designed like an airlock, in order to store vapors >and liquids whose capacity to escape far exceeded Coco's. MIKE: Mommy I'm scared and in the dark place again! > The substances >had long since been removed, as had the interior controls. MIKE: Mommy, I called ollyolly oxenfree and they won't let me out! > Resigning himself >to his fate, Coco plugged himself into a power outlet, and proceeded to wait >for someone to free him. CROW: Why would there be a power outlet in a holding tank for liquids and gases? TOM: You got me. > >****** > >Snively looked around, but saw no active robots. CROW: Hey! Yo'! TOM: [Whistles] Down here! > "Never mind. All that counts >is the emerald." > >Tails struggled. "Ok, looks like you have what you wanted. Now let me go." > >Snively just grinned. "No. I'm sure you will be quite useful later." MIKE: In Snively's defense, Tails did break the bargain they were trying to reach. > With >that, he grabbed the tied fox by the scruff of his neck and carried him away. > >"Hey, no fair!" Tails protested. "Help! Leggo! TOM: My Eggo! > HELP!" Snively could barely >keep a grip on the twisting kitsune. CROW: Have to hope Child Services doesn't see this scene. > >"Don't struggle. You're only making things worse for yourself." TOM: Quick, Tails! Stop, drop, and roll! MIKE: But he's not on fire. TOM: Oh. Then quick, Tails, give up and die! > >"Worse for you, you mean." > >"I don't think you understand." Snively held his rifle up to Tails, so that the >fox's nose almost entered the weapon's barrel. "Whether or not your body lives >is your choice. CROW: Whether your viability as a character endures is up to Archie comics. > Either way, it will come with me." MIKE: Yeah, a dead Tails will make the perfect bait for a trap for Sonic! > >Tails growled in reply. > >****** > >When Snively piloted the only remaining functional hoverbot away, with a laser >rifle, a Chaos Emerald, and Tails TOM: ...Walked into a bar... > as his cargo, the observatory once again had >nothing but time. A sudden blizzard mercifully covered the edifice's scars, >leaving only the outline of a monument to a lost cause. MIKE: Um... yeah... bye. [All leave] [Commercials]