"The Cloaked Figure" part one of three. MiST fact #3: Most hardcore MiSTers have seen "Manos." A small percentage--these are the ones who are numbed to *everything* painful-- saw Manos and laughed in the face of it. For those of you who have never seen MST3K(I wouldn't imagine why), I will give a brief description of the characters. Dr. Forrester: A truly mad man, except he's evil in a fun way. Frank: Dr. F's loyal flunky. Often gets "killed" by him. Joel: A man who got shot into space by the two mad scientists. He is forced to watch bad movies(or, in the case of MiSTies, bad fanfics, spam, you name it). Tom Servo: Red, white, sassy and brassy. Well, not really, but he's a sensitive, rather obsessive, gumball-machine-shaped robot. Crow: Gold robot. He tends to make a few off-color remarks(I try to avoid writing them altogether; it's just not my thing). There is a brotherlike rivalry between him and Tom. Gypsy: Kinda doofish-seeming, but in most cases, smarter and more motherly than the other 'Bots. She seems mentally deficient, but that is because she is using most of her power to run the ship(Satellite of Love)'s higher functions. Magic Voice: Sorta like an automatic PA system. Sometimes, she makes comments about what's happening, and she can monitor other parts of the Satellite. The characters are copyright 1999 Best Brains Inc. This MiST is copyright 1999 Nick Clark(hey, that's me!). Meghan, no bad vibes are intended towards you or your writing ability. If you find a comment like that, it's J&tB talking through me. Category: SONIC Era: JOEL Original Author: Meghan Dombrowski Source: a Sonic fanfic page(around #20 on Shay's Bot Fodder Site) Me: Nicholas Clark My rating for this fanfic on the Deep Hurting Scale is 6. Fairly Deep Hurting. Manos isn't even on the scale, while most spam is around 2, due to the fact that it just isn't long enough. This was long, but it wasn't *that* painful. Sub Ratings for the DHS are as follows: Plot Contrivances: 1 Grammar: 1 Plot(?) Holes/Absence of Backstory: .5 Plot(?): 1 Characterization: .5 Convenience: 1 Youthful Incredulousness: .5 Whole Slabs O' Nothing: .5 Notice that, if you add the values up, you get the rating on the DHS. This is just my idea. Copy it if you want, but give me a little credit for it, okay? [SoL. Tom and Crow, dressed to kill, are listening to a stereo that is playing "Lobachevsky" by Tom Lehrer. (For those of you wondering, Tom Lehrer is a satirical pianist who didn't get *very* popular, but...)Joel is off screen.] Tom: Mr. Crow T. Robot, I believe that your views on plagiarism in mathematics are false. Tom Lehrer, as he is popularly known, was merely making a cheap joke at the expense of the world-renowned Alexander Lobachevsky. Crow: Nonsense, Thomas Servo. Mr. Lehrer was my colleague for five years, and he is not the lying and kidding type. He was--very intelligently, might I add-- uncovering a conspiracy in the industry. He knew that he had to make Lobachevsky think that it was a joke, concealed among his other funny songs. Tom: But you can't refute the fact that he went underground after publishing those songs. Lobachevsky was serious with false accusations. And who knows what kind of influence that he had? It was discovered, after his death, that he had agents in every major power. Crow: His dramatic piece carried a major message, Thomas, and you can't refuse that. Tom, getting angry: Oh YEAH?! Refuse this, drama-boy! [Crow and Tom start attacking each other. The Commercial Sign light flashes, and Crow accidentally hits it. Commercials for Combos, the Cheap Labor Day Weekend, MST3K Hour, and so on. SoL. Joel is leaning on the desk. The 'Bots are both in his line of sight, away from Cambot.] Joel, to the 'Bots: Okay, now I don't want any more "mathematics socials" if you're just going to fight in the end. You've got to control yourself, okay? Bots, speaking ashamedly: All right... Joel: Oh, it looks like we're back on.(to audience) To sum things up, I'm Joel Robinson, and these are a few of my mechanical megapals. More than one--two, really-- mad scientists are forcing us to watch bad movies. But in between... 'Bots: Groan... Joel: We get spam, bad fanfics, you name it. If I'm in my right mind, I think we've done a few songs. Tom: Uhh, Joel? Joel: Yeah, buddy? Tom: I don't think you have, but Savage Garden, Hanson, and Spice Girls seem to have some connection. I've got this weird connecting feeling about them. Joel: Uh...whatever. I suppose that some of those Sonic fanfics had songs, too. Oh well.(Mads light flashes.) Hush, the Wienerschnitzel Waltz dancers are calling. [D13. Dr. F isn't around, but Frank has an "uh-oh" look on his face.] Frank: So, Joel. Have you ever heard of a "Boris Lobachevsky?" [SoL] Joel: No, actually. [D13] Frank: Well, I stole his idea. I have a friend in Minsk, who has a friend in Pinsk(keeps babbling for a while)... whose friend somehow is solving now the problem in Dnepropetrovsk. (Babbles a little bit more)... and then I write, by morning, night, and afternoon, and pretty soon...(doorbell rings) Better get that. [Frank opens the door, where a cloaked figure appears.] Frank: Oh, hi...you're looking for TV's Frank? Uh... TV's Frank is in the...the... um, he's at Deep 7, but he's just visiting there. You'd better catch him! [The cloaked figure exits Deep 13. Dr. F walks on stage with a cardboard box, covered in white construction paper. It has "IESD" written on the side.] Dr. F: Ah, Leadelement, Porky, and Ender. You'd better be prepared today. We have the supreme invention! We have the supreme fanfic! Frank: We have the supreme pizzas! Dr. F: Uh, whatever. Anyway, today our invention is-- [SoL. Joel has put on a VR headset. Tom and Crow are sitting next to a dial connected to the glasses. Unbeknownst to J&tB, the Mads Light is flashing.] Joel: Well, it seems that a lot of today's inventions tend to pander more to young techies and technologically current people. But with this... Tom: It's back to chopping wood, whether you like it or not! Welcome to the jungle, city-boy! Crow: So, Joel, what do you want to do? There's three options: 1) Be torn apart by animals. 2) Be eaten alive by driver ants. 3) Do menial work and unspeakably horrible things to survive. Oh, wait. There's one more: Move to Mobius. Joel: Uh...4. Whoops! It says, "You're not Davey-kins or Ryan Huber. Try again." Tom: Better luck next time, Joel! Joel: Uh, yeah...(notices the Mads Light) Uh-oh. (Hits ML) [D13. Dr. F has an angry face, but Frank still looks a little nervous.] Dr. F: What are you doing, Smashed Pumpkin?! You ruined my dramatic intro! Oh well, the infinite and sinister evilness of our invention will ruin you! We'll be testing it on whatever we can find today. I hope you do mind. Frank: It's the Infinitely and Evilly Sinister Device. It's so evil, we can't tell about it to you! We can sing about it, though! [Dr. F stares at Frank] Frank, singing flatly, like with "If Chauffers Ruled The World": I suppose that since evil is What makes your normally-pink face pale... We can torture anyone By hitting them with...uh...shale. If you can find 'bot fodder, Don't expect much glee, Because you'll be dead before long Due to the I-E-S-D! It attaches to spam, Causing it to be carniv'ric, Before you type "Send them the post, Frank!" Your maker will be that fanfic. It fumbles good fanfics, Making spam splits, So you might as well bow down, And accept us as despots. [SoL] Joel: Spam splits? Huh? Tom: You know, get-rich shakes. Crow: Sublimally-do-something sundaes. Joel: Ah. Dr. F: Very...uh...moving, Frank... Look through the round file to find something to send them. Frank: Yokay! (pauses for a few beats) Hmm...There's a Sonic fanfic here by Meghan Dombrowski. Do you think we should send it to them? Dr. F: Of course! What could possibly go wrong? Frank: Well... Dr. F: I remember that one well, booby. It's about some people who mug Sonic and take him elsewhere to fight this one...uh...guy. Send them the...post, I guess, Frank! [SoL] J&tB: Ohh! We've got Sonic sign! [6...5...4...3...2...1...theater] Joel: Okay, buddies. We gotta do something about that invention! 'Bots: Yeah! > The Cloaked Figure-by Meghan Dombrowski Tom: Seems more like it would be a Ingmar Bergman film. > *Legal stuff* Crow: Do not pass "Go." Do not collect 200 dollars. > Sonic the hedgehog is a copyright of Service and Games (SEGA), and on characters > crated by Archie Comic Publications, Inc. Joel: Get out of Riverdale! > Mary, Sero, Jonathan and other characters in this story are copyrighted by me. > Scooter, Sarah, and Tara are copyrighted by Jason Northage. Blah, > blah. Tom, as old Minnesota lady: You know, with today's language, she could replace that with "I would like my other rights to be protected by this contract." Crow, following suit: Oh yeah. I wish they had these copyrights on fanfics when I was a kid. > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > *Authors Note* > If you have ever read my first story The RH series (Ruby Hearts Series). Crow: Be still, my Ruby Heart. > The Mary > in that story is not the same one used in this story. ( I like the name Mary). Joel: Mary *and* Mary...not that contrary. > Also > just in case there is any confusion one of the characters name is Twin T, please don't > get him mixed up with Cherna Gast's Twyn D Tom, slowly: Twin T...? Twyn D...? ...Ah! I get it! > O.k. Crow: Wow! This already has better grammar than everything we've read put together. > I done! Enjoy the story! > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > It was a snowy winter morning, all was peaceful. Joel: Then came the Clinton administration. > Ever since Sonic and the freedom > fighters had defeated Robotnik every one could live in peace. Crow, as a historian: The twos, however, were a warlike tribe, and they would not accept the ones' proposal for a peace treaty. > The cities name had been > changed back to Mobotropolis. Tom: What? Robotnik never had executive power! He was just the assistant janitor! > Sonic had been crowned king and Sally queen. Crow: This reminds me of the end of "Shining Force II..." Tom: Well, Crow, the hero didn't get married to the girl who was sleeping for a few years... Joel: I didn't play that far, but I would expect one heck of a bedhead. > They also > had two children at the age of five. Joel: Isn't that a little young?! > A hedgehog boy named Scooter [All snicker] > and a squirrel girl > named Sarah. Tails had found the girl of his dreams, Tara who was his age. Tom: Since she was the girl of his dreams, he quickly snapped back into reality and remembered he had to put on his Clearasil! (chuckles) Ah, adolescence! > He had > gotten married to her few months ago. Crow: After *having* a few (drinks). > Sally's father was rescued from the void and > had retired. Joel: Pretty convenient, huh? Your daughter becomes queen and you get an automatic pension. Nothing in the way of "father-daughter love," though. > But, he sadly passed away a year ago. Crow, as Sally's father: The money's in the...ugh... > Sonic's Uncle Chuck had created a > de-roboticizer and every one was back to normal. Uncle Chuck had also created many > non-pollutant devices Tom: That go "ping?" > to fight the pollution on land, air, and sea. Joel: Well, they would be non-pollutant if they were fighting pollution. > Antwon [All snicker] Tom: Goofy Spelling Theater! (Makes "ayuh-guyee" sounds, like Frank) > had become > captain of the guards as he always wanted, but still was jealous of Sonic. Crow: I don't see why! I wouldn't want to be a blue hedgehog! Tom: But would you rather be a fox with a bad French accent? Crow: Ow! Good point. > Bunnie, > had adopted a young rabbit girl, Kathryn or Kat as every one called her. Tom: Oh, she goes by many names... > Rotor was > the same as he had always been making and fixing things, but was away traveling the > world. Crow, as Rotor: I've gotta skip this town! > The whole city was peaceful on this cold morning every one was in their warm homes, Joel: Except for those "inferior races..." but "everyone" only encompasses the "beautiful people." > grateful that they weren't on the cold city streets. That was not the same for four > lone figures traveling in the city. Tom: Us and Gypsy? We get off the ship, but we go to MOBIUS?! > They had traveled a long way and where lost, cold > and hungry. Joel, as the figures: We're lost, cold, and hungry! > They made there way towards the Crow: Ranger station. > palace. When they got to the gates they > stopped and put their tired backs against one of walls beside the gates. One of the > figures was a boy hedgehog intierly midnight black Tom: Just like his tarry heart. > who's name was Sero, Joel: Aah! It is us! Sero...Servo?! > He was six > years old. Tom: I would think that He would be older than six years! > Another figure was a dog brown in color who never talked . Crow, as the dog: I am filled with shame. > Then there was a > five year old light red tree squirrel named, Amy. Joel: Let's see..."From Amy Rose, With Love..." 'Bots: Augh! > The last figure was a tall cloaked > figure who's face you could not see. Tom, as an energetic demon of a Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercial: But it's the *taste* you can see! > Amy rested in the figures large backpack. Joel: That's a ConHugeCo backpack if I ever saw one! A five-year-old carried in a tote bag? > The > other three huddled together for warmth. Tom: You see, it's your basic Statue of Liberty play... > Sero refused to get in the backpack with Amy. Crow, as Sero: Icky! Cooties! > She tried to convince him that it was a lot warmer but, Tom, singing: "Come on baby, light my fire..." > he still refused. > If I go in the backpack who will stay out here an protect my mother and Serina. Crow: Not a Sailor Moon/Sonic crossover! No! > Sero > said. > You might catch a cold or something. Amy said Joel: Put your money on "something." > Let him stay out here Amy he will be fine with us. The Cloaked Figure said in a > friendly tone Crow, singing: This old man, he played one... Joel: Right tune, but I can only wish it's the right lyrics. > Now both of you get some sleep. Tom, as Tor Johnson: Time for go to bed! > The two obeyed an went to sleep. Crow, sounding too much like Dr. F: In heavenly peace! > In the palace Scooter could not sleep and was pacing his room. Tom, as Scooter: How do I get enough money to rent that cool tuba? > He had been > pacing around for over and hour now. He wanted an adventure but, how could he, His Joel: Insert a religious joke here. > parents where always being so protective of him and his sister. He wanted it to be > like the old days when there was lots of adventure, Crow, in a squeaky baby voice: I've got to get that dish of dog food! > he wanted to be like his father > going out and stopping bad guys. Joel, as Sonic: Hey! I've got a few questions I'd like to ask you! I'm from Western Watts! > Scooter stopped and thought Hum... Crow: Dee-dee-dee dee, huwah huwah. Tom: I'm the wind, baby. Joel: Possibly our weirdest skit yet. > I know I can get past the gates but how am I going > to get out of this room without being seen by the cameras. Tom: Well, first, you become a TV talk-show host... Joel: Tom, I think you meant "How am I going to avoid being seen by anybody on Earth voluntarily?" Tom: Uh, whoops. > He began to pace again and > stopped and whispered a name Crow, in hushed tones: Max Keller! > ....Sarah! She was a computer whiz maybe she could fry > those pieces of junk. Tom: Trying to get Unreal working on that 386? > Scooter ran over to Sarah. Sarah! Wake up! Scooter said in a hushed tone. > Huh? Oh, what is it Scooter? I wana sleep. Crow, as Sarah: Stayed up last night trying to write...pretty sleepy. > Aww.. come on wake up. Scooter whined. Let's go have an adventure. Joel, eagerly, as Sarah: Like the Goonies?! > Sarah sat up and looked at her brother. > Scooter, I have two questions for you. Crow, as a squeaky-voiced surveyor: Uhm, sir or madam, what brand of toilet paper do you prefer? How about floppy disks? > Said Sarah. Tom: No, it's "...Said Sadly." > Go ahead, You have two seconds of my time. Joel: Well-you-see-there's-a-- Crow: Time! > Scooter said tapping his foot. > One, how are we going to get out of this room without being seen and, two if we do get > past the cameras how will we get to the gates without being seen by anyone? Crow: First, you do something incredibly stupid. Then nobody will look you in the eye for fear of being associated with you in some way. > Hum? > replied Sarah Tom, as Scooter: Well, you see, a giant plot contrivance crashes into Mobius... > You are going to fry the monitors and I will run us to the gates. Crow: Ah, he's a courier and *not* a surveyor. > Besides all the > guards will be asleep. Scooter said with a smirk. 'Bots: Smile. Joel: Guys, this isn't "The Newcomer." You're safe. > Did I hear someone say adventure? Tom, in a soothing voice: No, that's just a figment of your imagination...ha ha ha... > a voice said from behind them. All, as Valna Raiders: No, you're the one who's gonna die! > Yeah, we're going on an adventure, would you like to come Kat? asked Scooter > You bet! I wouldnot miss it! Kat yelled. Tom: Wherps! Looks like Kat has her earplugs on again! > Quiet, Kat or they will hear us. Scooter said Joel, loudly: OH, SORRY. > Sara rolled her eyes and groaned. Tom, as Sarah: I need some vanilla-brand pain reliever... > Well are you game, Sarah? Scooter questioned. Crow: Not a Blockbuster commercial! > If only you're feet where as fast as your mouth, yeah I'm game. Joel: Guys, you are *not* allowed to make Elmer Fudd remarks. 'Bots, reluctantly: Okay... > Sara said > disapprovingly. Tom: Huh? Her tone of voice just countered what she said! > Luckily they were in a room where the main control panel for all the cameras had been > kept. Joel, as a loser: Dude! We can get cable on this! > It was too high for any of them to reach so Sarah put a chair by the panel, > climbed on it and started to push some buttons. All: Push the button, Frank! > I'm waiting. Scooter stated mimicking his father. > Oh, be quiet I'm almost done....Got It! Crow: Must...resist...Cthuhlu...reference... > Sara exclaimed. > Well if we are going to go let's go. Kat urged. > A few seconds later they where at the gates with the help of Scooters feet. Tom: What?! [Crow and Joel chuckle] > Again, > they were lucky all the guards had fallen asleep. Crow: The aftermath of "Spice World." Tom: Blech. A pile of uninspired bilge. > Open gates code 342, please. Scooter said. Joel: Scooter, you don't have to be courteous with the computer, okay? > Are you sure this is going to work? Kat asked. Crow, as Scooter: Pootertoots! You come all the way with me, and ask me if it works? Of *course* it works! This is an action-packed Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic! > It should . I have seen my dad do it a million times. Tom, as Kat: Really? A million times? Crow, as Scooter: Yes. Tom: Are you sure? Maybe it's a few hundred times. Crow: I know what I'm doing. Tom: Do you think it might have been 523 times? Crow: Shut up, shut up, shut-up-shut-up-shut-up! > Scooter remarked. > After he said that the gates opened. They where of on their adventure! > Sero was an early riser and woke up earlier than the rest. Joel: But they were just off on their adventure...? > He was sharpening > his small dagger that he always carries around Crow, as a mother: On the road to being a convict...he's my boy... > when he saw three kids about his age, > sneaking out of the palace. Tom, as a gangster: I cut you, foo. > Sero put his dagger away and went up to talk to them. > Hello who are you? Sero asked. All, darkly: Your worst nightmare! > Scooter was startled because he thought it was someone he knew. Then he realized it > was a smaller hedgehog maybe a year older than himself. Tom: We can only hope it's not the representation of the author. Joel: Hush, Tom, it isn't. > Um.. Hello my name is Scooter. This is Sarah my sister, and this is Kat. > Hello. Sarah and Kat addressed. Crow: Addressed who?! I demand recompense! > My name is Sero, It is nice to meet you. By the way where are you going , anyway? > Sero asked. Joel: Nowhere in particular. Tom: Man, I wish I was you. > We are off on a adventure. replied Kat. > I think you would be better off in the castle, I bet it is warmer in there then out > here. Better food too. > Nah, Crow, as the speaker: I'd rather get eaten by the vermin. > everyone always makes such a fuss Tom: Wow! Meghan's talking in German again! > over ya. No life for me, I can tell you that > much. Joel, as the speaker: You see, if I told you any more, I'd have to kill you. Crow, as Sero: Lie down, man. Seems like you've had a little too much drinkipoo. > Scooter stated. Tom, exasperated: In the state of confusion. > Say you look tired would you like to sleep here for a bit and then we can play. Joel: Yes, let's play "Wake Up the Guards." Nice going, Alexander the Great! > Ya know I am tired. Kat told the others. > So am I. whined Sara. > Thank you for the hospitality bro, but where will we sleep? Scooter asked > On the ground of course, Crow, as a loser: Man, we're gonna sleep under the stars! > You can use my mothers cape to use as a blanket. Answered > Sero. Tom: At least the guy whose name is remotely spelled like mine is the good guy. > Sara made a disgusted face and thought, she a princess sleeping on the ground! It did > not really matter now she was too tired to care. Joel: Must've had a little too much NyQuil. > Sero stayed up and the others went to sleep. All: IN HEAVENLY PEACE! > Bunnie walked in and pulled open the certain and said, Ok kids now it is time > for yall to wake up. Tom, as Sinbad: And smell the bad accent! > She turned around and noticed that they where not in there beds! Crow: Of course, silly! They fell off! > Oh my stars, where could they be? Scooter? Sarah? Kat? Where are yall? Tom: At this point, Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic writers usually turn on and off the accent switch. > The next thing that Bunnie noticed that there was a chair put up under the main > control panel. No, oh no. Crow, as Bunnie: Somebody noticed that I turned up the heat! > Bunnie started to run straight to Sonic and Sally's room. > While she was running she remembered the last time the kids did something like this. Joel: Something...incredibly stupid? > They did not find them for a week. > Not bothering to use the communication monitor she pounded on the door not knowing > that they had just gotten up. Sonic! Sally! Oh, please wake up! All: And smell the coffee! > she shouted. > Hey, Hey stop that poundin' before you break the door down, Bunnie. Sonic yelled over > the pounding. Crow, as Garth: Here. Take two of these. Joel, as Wayne: Hmm. Small. Yellow. Different. > Sally answered the door, Bunnie ran in and started to cry on Sally's shoulder. All, singing: I'll be...your fraggin' soldier... > Bunnie why are you crying? Sally asked Tom, as Bunnie: I just used the Great American Steakhouse Onion Machine! > The kids there gone! Scooter, Sarah , and my Kat! I can't find them anywhere! Joel, as Sally: Did you look over there? Tom, as Bunnie: Oh. There they are. > I think that Sara might have debugged the monitors cuz' there is a chair pulled up to > it! Bunnie sobbed. Crow: Did she debug your accent? > Sally looked at Sonic with worry in her eyes. Sonic did not even need to be told Tom, as Sally: Sonic, our relationship-- Crow, as Sonic: I'm on my way! > he > put on his old sneakers and ran out the door. Joel, sarcastically: You'd think that a *hedgehog* named *Sonic* would have some good endorsement deals. > When Scooter woke up he looked around for Sero instead of finding Sero he got > a snow ball in his face. Tom: Aah! Snipers! > Ha! Got Ya! Sero said laughing. > Hey! No fair I was not ready! Scooter yelled. Crow: Consult the rulebook! Tom: Speaking of not being ready, let's go. [1...2...3...4...5...6...bridge. Tom and Crow are at a computer.] Crow: Hey, everybody! Tom and I are just counting how many times his head blows up in MiSTies. Tom: So far, it's 90 times. (pause)Yaaah! That temp's head just got blown up! Crow: Well, Tommy, don't you think that you should do something about it? Tom: Me? Crow: Uh-huh. Notice I didn't say "we." Tom: Whatever. Good idea, though. [As if cued, Joel walks on.] Joel: Hey, guys! I just got an idea for an invention! 'Bots: What? Joel: It's called the Tom Servo Head Anti-Exploding Imploder. Tom: Wow! That's such an original...hey! Joel: Well, I was using my Sensor-Extendor, and I hear a voice saying that Tom's head has been blown up too many times. Something's gotta be done about it! Crow: Like...listening on your Sensor-Extendor? Joel: Well...no. I'll get right to working on it. [Joel walks offstage, then, after a split second or thirty, walks back on with a death ray-esque device.] Tom: Uh, Joel, don't you think that you should have used *this* for the invention? Joel: Gee, Tom, I'm just bursting with ideas today. One thought leads to an invention, which leads to a different thought, which leads to an invention... Tom, muttering to himself: Sounds like "The End Is The Beginning Is The End." (to Joel) Well, at least we can save money on replacement heads... Crow: Yeah! Why don't you just capitalize on it, Joel? We could be livin' the high life: Porsches chasing us, having several thousand bottles of Grey Poupon, and also having private bodyguards that will blow away a random member of N'Sync or Backstreet Boys when we're feeling down. Joel: Well, you gotta remember that we *can't* become evil. Crow: C'mon, Joel! *We* could be sending Frank and Dr. Forrester the fanfics! Joel: Sounds kinda tempting...yokay! [Joel picks up a phone from below the desk.] Joel: Now, if I remember the patent office's number from my days at Gizmonic... (dials some number) Phone: You have reached the offices of Joe Average. I used to work for Joe Average Co. but I got fired. Whoop-dee-doo. If you don't leave your phone number and name at the tone, I will rain fiery nuggets of wrath upon you. If that doesn't work, I will kill you, then your family, then everyone who ever knew or saw you. Have a nice day. Joel: Uhh...whoops! (Hangs up and dials another number) Phone: Hey, dude! If you are now, or have ever been, in touch with the Universal Oneness, press 1. If everything looks so cosmic, press 2. If you have been pondering the meaning of Pop-Tarts press 3 and we'll be in business, man! If you would like me to stop eating purple fungi, nice try! I will never leave my Fungi Bruddas! If you know what furniture polish tastes like, hang on and leave a message. I want to know! Joel: Wrong again. (Dials another number in exasperation) Phone: Hello, this is Alessandro Sanasi story reading time! All: AAAAH! (Joel hangs up promptly) Joel: Well, we can forget about those Porsches. Crow: I'm gonna see what furniture polish tastes like. All, in awe: Dude. [Crow and Joel walk offstage] Tom: I bet it tastes like ten percent all-natural fruity beverage. Bummer, man, now I have the munchies! I'll be right back, cause we're really all in touch with the Universal Oneness. (Pause) Dude! Why do I keep hearing the quarterback call the play? [Planet bumper and commercials] "The Cloaked Figure" part one of three. MiST fact #8: If a non-MiSTie hasn't lost his or her faith in fanfics, he or she should read "X" MiSTed by Kelly Newcomb.