No, I'm not making a theme song. My brain's dead. [We open to see Jake, Marco, and Rachel behind a counter. The set looks very much like the SOL's main bridge. Marco notices the screen and elbows Jake and ahems quietly.] JAKE: Huh? Wha? MARCO: Jake! The screen! Explain what happened! JAKE: Oh! Right! I'm Jake! This is my best friend, Marco! MARCO: Hey-ho! JAKE: And this is my cousin, Rachel. MARCO: She's better known as Xena: Warrior Princess. RACHEL: This Xena can whoop you any day, Joxer. JAKE: Stop it, you two. Anyway, the yeerks are doing experiments with us. Mainly, Tom and Chapman are doing the experiments. Just happened yesterday that they brought us here. RACHEL: Luckily enough, they haven't put yeerks in our brains just yet. It wouldn't matter in Marco's case, being he barely has any brains. MARCO: [Over dramatically acts as if he was hit] Gaaah! Xena has hit me with her sword! JAKE: [Stares at Marco for a moment, then glances at the screen.] Um... Anyway, the experiment has something to do with sending us bad fanfics or something. MARCO: Fanfics? You sure, Jake?! JAKE: Why? MARCO: Bad fanfics usually mean self-insertion! HIT THE DECK! [Leaps under the counter.] [Commercial Sign light blinks.] MARCO: [Pops up.] You gotta hit the light, Jake. [drops back under.] JAKE: Oh, yeah. Still not used to this. We'll be right back. [Taps light.] [Commercials.] JAKE: And we're back. MARCO: [Australian voice] And more Australian than evah. RACHEL: Where'd that come from?? MARCO: [Normal voice] Just some show I watch. Pretty funny. It's called Mys-- [Notices red light blinking] Gotta hit that one. Yeerks calling. JAKE: Oh. [Taps it] Yes? [Metal room. A gray slimy pool in the background. People screaming for 'help', some aliens, and cages with people and aliens. Tom and Chapman are seen.] CHAPMAN: I hope you're ready for your dose of fanfiction. Believe me, it's quite a bad one. We yeerks at the Yeerk Pool barely survived it. Except for one; poor Iniss-Five-Five-Three... TOM: Anyway, it's a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction. [Room] MARCO: I used to play his games, but I sold my Genesis for a Nintendo 64. [Yeerk Pool] TOM: 'Fraid you aren't going to like this, Marco. Has a lot of shouting. Also... [Dramatic music(dun-dun-dun...)] Self insertion. [Room] MARCO: AUGH! [Hides behind Rachel] RACHEL: Told ya you were Joxer. [Yeerk Pool] CHAPMAN: He should be afraid. After all, it is a remake of a 'Knuckles the Echidna' comic...number eight, I believe. It's about one of the characters betray the team. Things go amuck. A building explodes. And best of all, it's to be continued. All written by 00dodger. I don't expect you to enjoy this. Send them the fanfic, Iniss one-three-one. TOM: [Pulls a lever] [Room] [Alarms go off as lights flash] JAKE: Ack! MARCO: Go to the theater! RACHEL: Erf! I'd say this is... ALL: FANFIC SIGN!!! [Theater] [Rachel takes the right seat, Jake takes the middle, and Marco takes the left] MARCO: This... is going to hurt. JAKE: It can't be that bad. MARCO: You have no idea. RACHEL: Hey, we can get through anything. It's starting, anyway. >(My version) JAKE: ...of potato knish. Not all that yummy. MARCO: Um... you'll get better on the way. > BY ALL: AGH! > >00dodger RACHEL: By Oooooooododger. JAKE: 00dodger's got a license to spam! > >KNUCKLES THE ECHIDNA, THE CHOATIX ARE LICENSED AND TRADEMARKED TO >ARICHIE > >COMICS AND SEGA. JUILIE-SU,KRAGOK, THE DARK LEGION, ENERJAK, >ARCHIMEDES,AND > >LOCKE ARE COPYWRITE MARCO: This is a sign, people. > TO ARCHIE COMICS. RACHEL: Couldn't 00dodger just say 'Knuckles the Echidna, and all other related characters belong to SEGA and Archie Comics'? MARCO: That'd be too simple. Make things complicated. > > > > > > MARCO: Now, _this_ is my favorite part! > >IT WAS A SUNNY AFTERNOON ON THE FLOATING ISLAND. THE > >CHOATIX, WERE WAITING FOR KNUCKLES TO GET BACK FROM THE > >MAINLAND. > ALL: WAGH! RACHEL: All Caps Alert! > > >"Y'KNOW ITS KINDA WEIRD ON WHAT'S HAPP'INED IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS." >MIGHTY > >SAID. RACHEL: [Mighty] First it rained cheeseballs, then the world exploded! > >"YOU MEAN WITH ECHIDNAPOLIS TURN'IN UP, AND JULIE-SUE?" ANSWERED >CHARMY. > JAKE: That's 'Julie-Su'. > > >"EXACTLY." MIGHTY SAID. "WELL SPEAKING OF "WEIRD" THINGS, HERE COMES >THE WITCH NOW!" REMARKED VECTOR. > >"VECTOR, HOW MANY TIMES DO WE AND KNUX, > >HAFFTA EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU. JAKE: Hafffffta. MARCO: Ax, get outta the fanfic! > SHE DID NOT LIKE LIFE WITH THE DARK >LEGION......" > MARCO: Fanfic of Ray Rabbit...................... > > >"YEAH,..YEAH, AND SHE HAD TO FIND US SO SHE CAN START CLEAN. WELL IF >YOU > >HOME BOYS DON'T WATCH YOUR STEP, SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN > >TO US.....ESPECIALLY KNUX WHEN MARIA FINDS OUT." JAKE: "Maria"? MARCO: Ho boy... > VECTOR SHRUGGED. JUST >AS > >HE WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING ELSE , JULIE-SU CAME UP RIGHT FROM >BEHIND > >HIM. RACHEL: "Boo!" > >"I SEE SOMEONE IS STILL A LITTLE CRANKY FROM OUR LITTLE MEETING." >JULIE-SU RACHEL: So it *is* 'Julie-Su'. MARCO: I don't know anymore! > >SAID AS SHE GLARED AT VECTOR. VECTOR SIMPLY JUST CRANKED UP HIS >HEADPHONES. JAKE: "There. My problems are solved." MARCO: Better. RACHEL: I'd crank up my headphones if everyone was yelling like that... > > > > >"SORRY, ABOUT THAT JULIE, VECTOR HAS BEEN A LITTLE RESTLESS > >ABOUT THE DARK LEGION." ESPIO EXPLAINED. > > >"I DON'T BLAME HIM.....UNFORTUNATELY..." > >"UNFORTUNATELY?" CHARMY ASKED > > >"UNFORTUNATELY... ALL: UNFORTUNATELY!! > HE'S RIGHT!" AS IF ON CUE, SEVERAL DARK LEGIONARIES, >JUMPED OUT OF THE >BUSHES! A FEW GRABBED VECTOR BY THE TAIL AND PINNED HIM DOWN, THE REST >ATTACKED THE >REMAINING CHOATIX. RACHEL: Wow! That has got to be the lamest action sequence I've ever seen! > > >"RUN!" CHARMY YELLED. AS MIGHTY, ESPIO,AND CHARMY FLED, MARCO: [ImaNewbie] FLEEEEEEEEEEEE! > JULIE-SU TOOK >OUT >HER GUN AND >FIRED SEVERAL STUN-BEAMS, BUT MISSED ALL THREE OF HER TARGETS. JAKE: Everyone on Mobius just can't aim... MARCO: They're like Imperial Stormtroopers... > > >"LET THEM GO, I'LL GET THEM IN A FEW MINUETS. THEY'RE PROBABLY HEADING >TOWARDS THEIR >COMMAND CENTER." JULIE SAID. > >THEN SHE LEANED OVER MARCO: When ya gotta go, ya gotta go... > TO WHERE THE LEGIONARIES HAD PINNED VECTOR. > >" UNF JAKE: Now that's a fun word to say. MARCO: Say it with me, now! ALL: Unf! > I TOLD THEM YOU WERE NO GOOD!" VECTOR SNARLED. > >"KUDOS, MARCO: I used to eat those granola bars... > TO YOU VECTOR. DON'T WORRY THOUGH, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU >AS LONG AS >YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS COOPERATE. MEN TAKE HIM TO LORD ENERJAK. RACHEL: ...and the Electric Weasels! [All cheer] > >"ENERJACK OH MAN" >VECTOR SAID TO HIMSELF AS HE WAS DRAGGED AWAY. JAKE: And he was dragged across pieces of glass, sharp rocks, rattle snakes, a cactus, and knives. RACHEL: [Tom Servo]*crunch* Ow! *crunch* Ouch! *squish* Ow! > > > > > > >GAZING INTO A CRYSTAL BALL AT THE END OF HIS STAFF, RACHEL: Magic: The Gathering. > ENERJAK SAT > >LOOKING AMUSED. "KRAGOK..... THIS GIRL IS AN EXCELLENT RACHEL: Marco, make no comments on that. MARCO: D'oh! > WARRIOR. TELL > >HER, AS SOON AS SHE GETS THE REMAING CHOATIX, TO DESTROY THEIR HQ." > >"YES SIR. MARCO: When did Snively get in there? > WHEN WILL YOU SPRING THE TRAP?" KRAGOK ASKED. ALL: [Singing] Mouse trap! > >"VERY SOON... VERY SOON." ENERJAK SAID EVILY. MARCO: So later then? > > > > > >MEANWHILE, THE CHAOTIX HAD GOTTEN INTO JAKE: ...the chocolates. > THE COMMAND CENTER. > >" AS MUCH AS I'D HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT RACHEL: MY THROAT IS GETTING SORE FROM ALL THIS SHOUTING. > VECTOR WAS RIGHT." ESPIO SAID. > >"YEAH AND JULIE HAS BEEN HERE SEVERAL TIMES." MIGHTY ANSWERED. MARCO: What's that got to do with anything? > >"BUT WE'VE GOT A FIGHTING CHANCE. IF WE CAN GET A HOLD OF OUR GIRL- >FRIEND'S > >GUNS, WE COULD USE THEM." SUGGESTED CHARMY. JAKE: Whoa, hey. When did they get girlfriends? MARCO: [Looks under his seat and finds a box of comics. He looks through them.] None of the issues here say so. > >"GOOD IDEA." MIGHTY SAID AS THEY HEADED TO THE SUPPLY ROOM. AFTER >GRABBING >THE GUNS >AND LOADING THEM, THE CHOATIX WERE READY FOR ANYTHING... WELL ALMOST. MARCO: Then they *weren't* ready for anything. > >"NICE GUNS FELLAS" CAME A VOICE FROM BEHIND. THEY ALL SPUN AROUND > >TO ONLY FIND JULIE -SU RACHEL: Close enough spelling. I'll let ya by. > STANDING IN FRONT OF THEM. > >"WE'RE WARNING YOU BABE, JAKE: Suddenly, Kevin Thompson from Daria enters the fanfiction. > OR ELSE." MIGHTY SAID THROUGH HIS CLENCHED >TEETH. MARCO: [Mighty] Shhh shhhush shhhhheeshhh. >"OR ELSE >WHAT, YOUR GONNA RACHEL: What about their gonna? > SHOOT ME?" MOCKED JULIE. JAKE: Duh. > >"DUH, JAKE: D'oh! > AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?" MARCO: I'm gonna tap dance like I never danced before! > CHARMY SAID AS HE RAISED HIS GUN. > >"THIS." BEFORE ANY OF THEM COULD DO ANYTHING, FOUR DARK FIGURES >SLIPPED OUT >OF THE >SHADOWS AND GRABBED MIGHTY AND ESPIO. SILENT HANDS HELD THEIR HEADS >STILL AS A >COMPRESS OF HERBS AND ASHES WERE PUSHED UP AGAINST MIGHTY AND ESPIO'S >MOUTHS AND >NOSES. JAKE: So, *Julie-Su* really didn't do that, did she? > MIGHTY AND ESPIO STRUGGLED, BUT THE SCENT WAS TO POWERFUL TO >FIGHT >AGAINST. MARCO: Gah... limburger... must fight... >THEN THEIR EYES GLAZED OVER AS THEIR BODIES SLUMPED AGAINST THE THE >LEGIONNAIRES' JAKE & MARCO: "We love you guys." >CLOAKS. THE LEGIONNAIRES'DRAGGED THE LIMP BODIES OF MIGHTY AND ESPIO >DOWN THE >CORRIDOR. CHARMY WAS GRABBED AND THROWN INTO A CAGE. RACHEL: So... Charmy just hovered there, drooling like an idiot? MARCO: Guess so... > >"TAKE THEM BACK TO HEAD QUARTERS" > > > >AS THEY WERE BEING LED AWAY, CHARMY HEARD EXPLOSIONS COMING > >FROM THE COMMAND CENTER. MARCO: [Charmy] Woah! Someone made a stinky and lit it! > "KNUX WILL FIGURE OUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED." >CHARMY > >THOUGHT. A FEW MINUETS RACHEL: Oh, I see. They decided to form a band. JAKE: The 'Furry Fic-tims', maybe? > LATER, JULIE CAME. "SO WHAT DOES 'OL LEAD HEAD > >WANT?" CHARMY ASKED. "KRAGOK WANTS NOTHING OF YOU, MARCO: Kragok wouldn't really be a Lead Head if his eye is just metal. > YOUR OLD MASTER > >DOES." "MASTER?!" CHARMY REPLIED. "YES, LORD ENERJACK!" RACHEL: Wasn't it 'Enerjak' before...? > JULIE >ANSWERED. > >"HOBOY" CHARMY SIGHED. JAKE: Suddenly, Sam leaped into Charmy. RACHEL: [Al] Ziggy says that you should GET OUT OF THE FIC at all costs! > > > > > > > >MEANWHILE, KNUCKLES THE ECHIDNA WAS FLYING RACHEL: [Goliath] We do not fly. We glide... > BACK HOME. > >"Y'KNOW ARCHY, I'VE BEEN THINKING." HE SAID TO HIS COMPANION, >ARCHIMEDES. >"ITS WEIRD >HOW MUCH SONIC AND I ARE ALIKE. KNUX BEGAN. > >"IN WHAT WAYS?" REPLIED ARCHIMEDES. MARCO: [Knuckles] Our sidekicks are useless. > >"WELL HE'S MAD AT HIS UNCLE FOR KEEPING THINGS FROM HIM. THE ONLY >DIFFERENCE >BETWEEN >US IS THAT IT'S NOT MY FAMILY, ITS EVERYBODY." RACHEL: Leave their everybody alone! > >"THESE CAN BE HARD TIMES IN YOUR LIFE BUT DON'T WORRY THINGS WILL >BEGIN > >TO LOOK UP." ARCHIMEDES SAID. > > > >SUDDENLY KNUCKLES' FATHER BROKE THE CONVERSION. JAKE: That conversation was pretty broken up as it was... > >"ARCHIMEDES, COME QUICK! THERE IS SOMETHING DIRE GOING ON > >IN HAVEN!" > >"UGH KNUCKLES, JAKE: [Caveman] Ugh. Me Archy. You Knuckles. Oo. Ugh. MARCO: Yer really getting the hang of it, Jake! > WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A FEW MINUTES?" RACHEL: [Double take] Finally spelled 'minutes' right! > >"SURE THING." REPLIED KNUCKLES. THEN ARCHIMEDES VANISHED. > >A FEW SECONDS LATER HE ARRIVED IN WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVEN. > JAKE: Instead, he ended up in a scene of Power Rangers. MARCO: [Archimedes] Good, lord! What have I gotten myself into?! >INSTEAD ARCHIMEDES, FOUND HIMSELF IN A CAGE, WITH A MAGNETIC > >FIELD, RENDERING HIM HELPLESS. > >"LOCKE?" RACHEL: Yes, the cage is locked. > >"YOU FOOL! YOU'RE NOT IN HAVEN, YOU INSTEAD JUST BECAME MY PRISONER." >A >VOICE SAID. > >"WHO ARE YOU?" ARCHIMEDES ASKED. MARCO: "I am Mister Blinky." > >"WHY SURLEY YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ME, HAVE YOU?" THE VOICE SAID AS A >FIGURE >STEPPED IN >TO THE LIGHT . JAKE: Head towards the light... > >"DIMITRI!" > >"YES IT IS I,DIMITRI, AND YOU AND THE CHAOTIX ARE THE BAIT THAT WILL >BRING THE > >GUARDIAN LINE TO AN END! HAVE A NICE STAY." MARCO: Thank you. I will. > > > >KNUCKLES LANDED ON THE ISLAND, RACHEL: No! Really? > AND WENT TO FIND HIS FRIENDS. > >AFTER AN HOUR OF SEARCHING FOR THEM, KNUCKLES WENT TO THE COMMAND > >CENTER ONLY TO FIND IT IN RUINS. KNUCKLES WENT INTO A PANIC. > >" DR. MECHS? DR. MECHS ?!" MARCO: [Intercom] Dr. Mechs, Dr. Mechs. Please come to the office. Dr. Mechs. > KNUCKLES SEARCHED FOR THE DOCTOR BUT TO >ONLY FIND HIS >ROBOTIC BODY EVERYWHERE. > >"UNNNGH" CAME A MOAN FROM SOMEWHERE UNDER THE BOOK SHELF. KNUCKLES >LIFTED THE >CASE TO FIND JAKE: His first issue of Action Comics. > JULIE -SU. > >"KNUCKLES I'M SO GLAD YOUR HERE!" > >"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?" > >"IT WAS AWFUL, THE CHAOTIX AND I WERE BRUTALLY AMBUSHED BY THE DARK >LEGION, THEY >CAPTURED THEM AND BLEW UP THE HEADQUARTERS." MARCO: [Julie-Su] I died! > >"HMMM, RACHEL: Bop. > I THINK SOMETHING BAD IS GOING DOWN. LETS GO TAKE A LOOK IN >ECHIDNAOPOLIS TO >SEE IF ANYTHING IS HAPPENING DOWN THERE." KNUCKLES SAID AS HE HELPED >JULIE-SU TO HER >FEET. > >THE TWO STARTED MARCO: Really? > TOWARDS ECHIDNAOPOLIS, MARCO: Oh. > FORGETTING ABOUT DR.MECHS, RACHEL: So Knuckles just instantly forgets about the person he was *looking* for. > WHO >AT THAT >POINT WAS STARTING TO COME TO. > >"WAIT ,KNUCKLES.. BZZT.....DON'T LISTEN TO HER........CLICK, >WHIRRR.... > >* * > >* MARCO: I've finally learned that in every fanfiction, they use stars for a chapter break. > > > >MIGHTY OPENED ONE EYE. HIS VISION MARCO: He owns the Lord of PEZ. > WAS NOTHING BUT A BLUR. HE OPENED >THE > >OTHER, AND HIS VISION BEGAN TO COME TO A CLEAR PICTURE. HE FINALLY >TOOK >NOTICE TO HIS >SURROUNDINGS. HE WAS CHAINED TO THE WALL BY HIS WRISTS, NECK, > >AND WAIST. ESPIO WAS LYING {CHAINED} NEXT TO HIM. RACHEL: You can lay against the wall? > THEY WERE IN A COLD >DARK > >CELL. > >"WELL, WELL LOOK WHO'S UP." MIGHTY STRAINED TO SEE WHO THE SPEAKER >WAS. > >THEN HE HEARD A FAINT BUZZING NOISE. MARCO: Aw, man. The TV's going on the fritz! > >"CHARMY, VECTOR ARE YOU IN HERE?" MIGHTY SAID WEAKLY. THE MIXTURE THAT >WAS >USED TO >KNOCK HIM OUT STILL HUNG IN HIS BREATH. JAKE: Shall we hope that they have toothpaste in there? MARCO: Or soap to wash out their mouths. Do it the ol' fashion way. > >"HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN ASLEEP?" > >"OH I'D SAY FOR AT LEAST, TWO HOURS. "CHARMY PIPED IN. MARCO: Oh no! They're stuck in a morph-- RACHEL: No, they are not, Marco... > >"AND MAN, RACHEL: Dude. MARCO: Buddy. JAKE: Homie. > YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ENERJERK, RACHEL: It's 'Enerjak'. JAKE: I don't think that's a typo... > HE WAS TICKED OFF AT ALL OF >US, FOR NOT >CARRYING OUT HIS PLANS LAST TIME." VECTOR REMARKED. RACHEL: "Last time"? MARCO: Knuckles Mini-Series. RACHEL: Comic Keeper. MARCO: Crypt Keeper! > >ALL OF A SUDDEN JAKE: -The cell caved in, killing them all. RACHEL: You're really getting dark with this. > ESPIO SLOWLY BEGAN TO WAKE UP. A DOOR SLAMMED IN THE >DISTANCE . >FOOTSTEPS CAME TOWARDS THE DOOR AND STOPPED. THE DOOR CLANKED OPEN, >AND A TOUGH- >LOOKING DARKLEGIONNAIRE WITH HUGE MUSCLES CAME IN MARCO: Aren't they supposed to have robotic parts? Because they wouldn't need big muscles, then... > ALONG WITH TWO >OTHERS BEARING >RESTRAINTS.THE BIGGER LEGIONARY POINTED HIS GUN AT MIGHTY. JAKE: [Sounding hopeful] And fired...? RACHEL: I think you need a break, Jake. MARCO: Yeah, let's get going while the going's gettin' good. [All leave.] [Room] [All enter, standing in the same places they were at tne intro.] JAKE: Such evilness... I've never handled something like that before. MARCO: It'll get worse. JAKE: [Blinks] Worse?! Aw god. RACHEL: I'm amazed we're still standing right here. Jake, you can handle this if you can handle being leader. JAKE: [Takes in breaths] I hope so. MARCO: Much more to come. Just relax. We'll be lucky enough if our parents don't ground us for a month. JAKE: I'll be safe, considering I was supposed to go to camp. MARCO: Lucky. JAKE: Yep. RACHEL: Hmm... y'know, I heard there was a new show on Nickelodeon that kinda caught my eye. MARCO: What? RACHEL: Just about these kids who find a dying alien in a construction site. The alien gives them powers to morph to save the world. MARCO: Huh! That's convenient, since they were there at the same time. RACHEL: I know! And you know what else is dumb is that they have to touch the animal they want to morph it! JAKE: Um, guys...? R&M: What? JAKE: [Shakes his head] Never mind. Just... never mind. [Commercial Sign light blinks] JAKE: We'll be right back. MARCO: Be prepared. JAKE: [Taps light] [Commercials]