episode 302 of SFT1B Turn down your lights...(to lower your electric bill.) In the not-too-distant future, February of '99, Pearl Forrester has kept Mike in pain, And has done it for quite some time. But now with the castle all blown up Her ghostly ancestors have seen enough. They saw that Pearl's plans were too diverse So they sent her packing for the edges of the universe! (PEARL: I'll be back!) "I'll send Mike cheesy stories, The worst ever made. (lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all So that my destiny can be saved." (lalala) Now keep in mind Mike can't control Which fanfic she'll send him next. (lalala) He'll try to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends. ROBOT ROLL CALL CAMBOT ("Hit it!") GYPSY ("Oh, my!") TOM SERVO ("Find my eyes, I dare 'ya!") CROOOOOOOW! ("You know you want me, baby!") If you're wondering how he eats and breathes And other science facts, (lalala) Repeat to yourself "It's Hypertime", And then you can relax! for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000! o...II...III...IV...V...VI...\ [SOL] Mike is alone on the bridge. MIKE: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Satelite of Love, where everything is as perfect and peaceful as-- [Mike is hit with a clown hammer.] MIKE: Ouch. [thump] [Servo, Crow, and Gypsy enter] SERVO: Alright, MiSTies! It's the 'Bots and we're gonna rock! Your! World! 'BOTS: Whooooo! CROW: That's right, 'cuz today the 'Bots take over! GYPSY: And there's nothing you can to do stop us! SERVO: Except to come up here yourselves and pour corosive acid all over our delicate circutry. CROW: We're gonna tackle today's fanfic all by ourselves. WITH NO MIKE! 'BOTS: Whooooooooooooooo!! MAGIC VOICE: How come I can never riff on the fanfics? SERVO: Because you don't have a silhouette. MAGIC VOICE: Oh. Commercial sign now. *commercial sign* GYPSY: We'll be right back. [commercials] [SOL] 'BOTS: Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! SERVO: We're back! And now to read the fanfic! *Mads' sign* GYPSY: Uh, wait, the Mads are calling. SERVO: What do you want? [Enterprise cargo hold] The Widowmaker is parked on a landing pad. Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are talking to Worf. PEARL: And you see, your deflector dish was right in my blind spot. WORF: I still do not believe your story. [Pearl turns to camera] PEARL: Hey, overgrown erector sets! Apparently we're back in the future and we crashed into the Enterprise. Now I've gotta talk to this giant negro with a bumpy forehead. (what a turn-off) But he's not buying my excuse. [SOL] SERVO: How about showing him your birth certificate? CROW: Or carbon dating the car? GYPSY: Or telling the truth? [Enterprise] PEARL: That's it! The truth! Why didn't I think of it sooner? Hey, Klingface! Tell your captain to come down here and we can have ourselves a little chat! Okay robots, your fanfic today is the sequel to "The New Season". It's called "For Whom the Gavel Pounds". Have a nice experiment while I get taken to their leader. [SOL] *movie sign* 'BOTS: Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! \...VI...V...IV...III...II...o [Servo and Crow take their seats and Gypsy sits in Mike's.] > Subject: fanfic by de Great Ali. Ha. CROW[monotone]: Ha. Ha. Ha. > From: zudy@aol.com (Zudy) > Date: 2/3/1999 1:38 AM Eastern Standard Time > Message-id: <19990203013858.14207.00003650@ng22.aol.com> > > Well...since I haven't put up a fanfic in a while, I guess I'll put this one > up. You might've already read it at Sonic HQ, but if you haven't, here it is. GYPSY: Hey, let's tell Pearl we read it at Sonic HQ already and maybe she'll let us off the hook. SERVO: I wouldn't. Then she'll just find an even worse story. > > Does anybody remember the horror that was my fic the New Season? CROW: Bad sign. Baaaad sign. > Well, if you don't; it was set in the third season of SATam. Nagus is in charge > of the city, Robotnik's his lackey. Sniv' was captured by Bunnie, and is about > to go on trial in Knothole. Also, the king is out of the void, and in Knothole. SERVO: Please, tell me he's gotten over that "Max" thing. > > So without further blabbing, here it is! Part one, anyway. As a warning to all > Sniv'haters, this story is narrated by the little wheeze himself. CROW: Aaaaaack! > > For Whom the Gavel Pounds (c) 98 by me, Allison M. Fleury CROW: The judge isn't supposed to attack the witness! What kind of story is this? > All "Sonic the Hedgehog" characters and related indicia (c) and TM Sega. > Used without permission. > Oh yeah, my email is: lupienne@aol.com You be sendin' those comments, ya > hear? > GYPSY: Yet another name to go on Mike's mail-bomb list. > This document may be freely distributed, as long as it's not altered in any > way. > Ok, peoples, this story contains: some violence & swearing...just a warning... > :) SERVO: And some pants wetting, too. Did I mention that? > > This story is from a first person point o' view! It's also the sequel to > "The New Season"! CROW: Let's hope he never gets to the actual story. > > > > "For Whom the Gavel Pounds" > By Allison M. Fleury > > "My heart is black > And my body is blue" > --The Cardigans GYPSY: Adam Chance got drunk and he thinks his cardigans are calling to him. > > > I was sound asleep in my cell. The rock-hard bed didn't affect my sleeping > at all...I was used to hard beds. I had never been pampered in Robotropolis. SERVO: ...because I grew up at home. > The clanking of metal on metal woke me up. I looked up, half-expecting to > see a SWATbot, but it was just the cyborg rabbit. The cell door was open. CROW: Then make a run for it! What are you doing sleeping?! > She smiled at me. I didn't smile back. > She was pushed rather rudely aside by a large skunk. SERVO: Oh, no. Please don't bring him into this. > He was one of those > men who thought everyone was looking at him. Admiring him. My father had been > the same way. That's why I hated the bastard. > The skunk had a pair of handcuffs. He gave me a weird smile...it creeped me > out. I backed away, but he grabbed me. It was a harder grip than necessary. > I wasn't fighting. CROW: Please say he isn't... > My shoulder was aching from his grip. > "Ow!" I cried as he yanked my arms hard behind my back. The cuffs snapped > over my wrists much too tight...they bit down through my thin skin and ground > against my bones. GYPSY[as skunk]: I'm taking your blood pressure. The sphigmomonometers are all missing. > "Hey, stinky. Could you loosen these? Just a little?" > The skunk spun me around and thrust his face into mine. His breath stunk > like stale meat, SERVO: Well, he *is* an animal. > his nose was glistening black, and his eyes were a murky blue, > much darker than mine. "You ain't gettin' off easy, mate. With anything." CROW: Why, oh, why did he bring the most hated Sonic character into this story? SERVO: The New Season went okay without him! > "Does that mean no?" I didn't think I sounded smartass, but the skunk was > razzled. He smacked me hard across the face. He was a big guy; I was little. > That slap brought me down to my knees, eyes stinging from pain-tears, but I > didn't whimper. > "Hey hey," protested the rabbit. "Ya'all be careful with 'im, Geoffrey." GYPSY[as Bunnie]: Cuz he ain't evil! SERVO: Nooooooooooooo! CROW: I hate every word of this story from now on! > I couldn't of agreed more. > But the skunk yanked me up by the back of the collar and then herded me > roughly out of the room. CROW[as St. John]: How do you like it when animals do it to you? Huh? > > When I faltered a bit in my steps, the skunk was right behind me and he > kept walking. He was like a moving stone wall pushing me forward. SERVO: It's Stone Brickwall! CROW: Solid Cementchest! > When we got to a long wooden building, which I assumed was KnotHole's > courthouse/meeting hall, Geoffrey allowed me to stop. To regain my composure, > I suppose. I noticed some of the villagers milling around, some casting quick > glances at me. I almost laughed. What were they so afraid of? SERVO: Nothing. They were just repulsed by skunky's odor. > True...my rank in Robotropolis might've been impressive...or sounded > impressive, anyway. Second-in-Command of Robotropolis. But my appearance, > for God's sakes, I wasn't scary. I was a short skinny little man with big eyes > that must be reflecting my anxiety. GYPSY: The only reason he was second in command was because that's the job which keeps you behind a desk where the boss can see you. > Then Geoffrey opened the door and shoved me forward into the building. All > the seats in the courtroom were filled. Most faces I didn't recognize, but some > I did...the princess, Sonic, the two-tailed fox-brat, the kooky French fox. GYPSY: Why is he a fox if he has no tail? > Standing behind a podium at the front of the room was King Acorn, decked > out in full regal robes. His crown was perched on his head; he was looking very > proper. His eyes darkened when he saw me. He had a gavel in his hand. CROW[as Acorn]: All right, let's see if we can't break the world record for longest and most pointless trial. We've got some tough competition from the States, though... > The skunk shoved me down in a chair before the king. I felt my hands > tremble in my nervousness...the king was in front of me and the crowd at my back. > I could be mobbed from all sides. SERVO: And since the "Gavel Pounds" him in the title, he probably will be. > The skunk left me and took a position near the king's side. He was the > bailiff, I suppose, there to protect if things got out of hand. He should be > near me. I was the one who needed protecting. > "All rise," ordered Geoffrey in his Aussie voice. I heard them all stand up > behind me, so I stood too. GYPSY[Snively]: Hm... he did say "All rise". But I need to use my deductive powers in this story. > It was hard with my hands shackled behind me. I almost toppled backwards. > "This is not a formal court...but merely to decide if this man should be > charged for his crimes, or allowed to join us, which is his request." SERVO: I think Snively had a better time in Robotropolis. CROW: No, it's Nagotropolis. GYPSY: No, Echidnaopolis. SERVO: Really? I was sure it was Mobotropolis. CROW: No, you're thinking of Megatropolis. GYPSY: But what about Metropolis? SERVO: That's Superman. > There were some surprised mummers from the crowd. They thought I was crazy. > Well maybe they weren't entirely wrong, but I did have my reasons for > wanting to join this group of dumb kids. SERVO: In fact, just then I revelaed my entire plan to infiltrate their group and take them over. That was when they mobed me. > "Alright, sit," said Geoff. CROW[stiffling a laugh]: Geoff? GYPSY: Now I know why he has an atitude. > I didn't know entirely how they worked this. But the skunk came over and > led me to the chair near the podium. I had to sit next to that Acorn king SERVO: These guys really are stupid. They worship an acorn. > and feel his hostility, and have the crowd's eyes on my face. > Great. My anxiety increased ten-fold and I felt familiar sweat bead my > forehead. GYPSY: Nah, it's just the teenagers in the third row flinging spit balls. > Geoff stood before me with a book. The Mobian Book of the Higher Order. CROW: In my hands, the Golden Rod of Isht-oh, wait. > Their religion. They could've had a hundred gods, but there was one main one. A > head honcho, who went by the name of "God." SERVO: How original. > I never heard mention of the others. > "Do you swear, by this holy book," Geoff scowled, and I fidgeted. Geoff > shook the book slightly, CROW: And several homework papers fell out. SERVO["Geoff"]: Darn. I've got to get a folder. > and I pressed my hand against the book's cover. He seemed > satisfied. "By this holy book, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole > truth, and nothing but the truth?" > "Yes." GYPSY: Today on People's Court, Geoff vs. Snively. > He drew the book away and went to stand on the other side of the king. The > crowd stared at me. I lowered my eyes. > "All right. First we shall get the crimes out of the way. SERVO: I'm sure that after the crimes are sorted through we can have a nice orderly ten-month trial. > One of our first > thoughts is to protect our children. Have you molested any children, Mr. > Snively?" CROW[Snively]: You can never make me tell...YES! YES! AND I LOVED IT, TOO! > I gulped a little. Did molest mean be cruel to kids? I wasn't ever nice to > children. They irritated me. Or did it mean do sexual things to them? I've > never done that. > King Acorn glared at me. "Answer the question!" > "Um..." I bit my lip. "I don't understand the question." GYPSY[Snively]: Did you mean have sex with them or just play with them? > Sonic stood up. "What's to understand, Needlenose!? Have you ever screwed > little kids?!" SERVO[Sonic]: Oops! Sega of America won't like this...uh, I mean screwed in the positive way? > Sally looked a bit miffed. Her gaze was on Tails, who was staring at Sonic. > He looked like a child who's just stumbled across Internet porn, eyes shocked > and awed. SERVO[Sonic]: D'oh! There goes my idol-for-life! > "No," I said. > "Have you ever hurt little kids?" asked one of the Freedom Fighters, a fat > walrus. > "No," I said. It was a lie. They knew it, damn! "Yes, I have. But I never > fucked them." CROW: Wow! Not even the Clinton trial got that juicy that fast! > King Acorn roared in anger and I cowered away from him. He had the gavel in > his hand and I expected him to start beating me with it. GYPSY: As implied in the title. > He didn't hit me. But Geoff did. He was by me in a second and he smacked my > head so hard I nearly blacked out. I fell forward onto the small table I was > seated behind. SERVO: What was that for? He answered the question! > I wiggled a little. It's hard to push yourself up when your > hands are behind your back. Geoff unlocked the cuffs. Probably figured he'd > subdued me enough that I wouldn't think of fighting back. Stupid jerk. I had > no intentions of fighting in the first place. GYPSY: But since this was a Mortal Kombat crossover I had at it with him. > King Acorn, or "Max", as I'd heard him be called, was glaring at me. CROW: I was wondering when that nickname would pop up. > "What?" I asked. > "You WILL NOT curse in this room, Mr. Snively. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!" SERVO: In a greenish-crystal sort of way, yeah. > Oh...I'd said fuck. That's right. I sighed a little....these animals were > so damn sensitive. GYPSY: D'oh! > I almost felt like saying, "Oh, I'm so FUCKING sorry', but > didn't. I was already hated enough. > "I'm sorry, your Majesty. It won't happen again." > He nodded. "Very well. So, you say you have hurt children. How so?" SERVO: I spanked every one of them for six hours straight. It's really fun. > I closed my eyes briefly. Great question, king. He wanted me punished. He > didn't want me as a Freedom Fighter and every one of his questions was > making this crowd hate me more. I could almost feel the prickle of a rope around > my neck. CROW: Well, you do. The questions are just for entertainment at this point. > "Um.. I've yelled at children prisoners, maybe smacked a couple..." > "Have you ever tortured any of 'em?" demanded Geoff. I guess any one of > them could ask questions. GYPSY: It's the free-for-all court. > "No." > "Fine," growled the king. "Have you taken part in the roboticization of > Mobians?" CROW: Duh... > "Yes." > "Willingly?" asked Bunnie. > I stared at her for a second. That rabbit. She was a little fool. Thought I > was really a sweet person under my asshole exterior. Fool. Each layer of my > mind was a new horror; a layer of angry thorns that tore at me, a layer of > dusty memories, a layer of acid guilt, a layer of pure tears gelled into a > sticky film...no. There was no good to be found in me. It was far too late > for that. SERVO[Acorn]: Mr. Snively, stop babling nonsense and spit it out! > But then I realized that that was it. My pain was going to be my protector > now. > "Willingly sometimes," I said. "But not all the time. Sometimes I wished I > could smash all those roboticizers. Anything to save those people." [The 'Bots put their fingers (if any) in their mouths] ALL: Aack! > "You committed treason, did you not?" the king asked. CROW: Another duh... > If I told a lie, what would happen? Would the Mobian god fry my ass with a > lightning bolt? I highly doubted it. > "Well yes, but I didn't know about it until the last minute. Julian said he > was going to announce something to you. He was always dramatic, you know, so > I thought really nothing of him crashing into your throne room. But when he > said he was taking over, I was stunned. But it was too late then. I had to go > along with him." SERVO: The Mobian god didn't fry him because it was his coffee break. > No lightning bolts hit me. The book, resting on King Acorn's podium, didn't > spring up and yell, "He's lying!" > I was a good liar. I knew it. I had to be. Robotnik was always suspicious > of me, he always thought I was conniving against him, which of course, I was. GYPSY: That was pointless. > But I covered it up like an expert. I truly must've been a corrupt Earth > president in a past life. SERVO: BAM! Second continuity error! > Which made me think of one of the presidents, who > said Mars would be the poor man's paradise. He'd shipped hundreds of orphans > and poor people there, all volunteers. But he neglected to tell them about > the hostile aliens there. Thousands were slaughtered, but no one found out until > five years later. The president had covered it up that well. He claimed he > was helping 'clean up the nation' when caught. CROW: And everyone believed him, right? > But the last I heard of Earth...well...it had never reached the level of > Mobius. And the people of Earth had blown the planet to astral dust in the > fifth World War. So much for my homeland. GYPSY: Great. Now I have to archive yet another Sonic origin in the Mobius history files. > "Mr. Snively, perhaps I should repeat the question." King Acorn sounded > annoyed. He was just itching to tie a rope around my neck and watch me hang. SERVO: He's the king. Why this trial? CROW: Remember in The New Season he renounced his rank? SERVO: Oh, right. > "Y-y-yes please," I stammered, brought out of my thoughts. > "Why was it too late to back out? To NOT help Julian with the coup? You had > plenty of opportunities." > I resisted a smile. Now was my chance to make the crowd feel sorry for me. > Mine was a tale of woe, true woe. I had really suffered, but now I would > exploit it and use it to help me. GYPSY: Too bad he doesn't have cute animal eyes. > "Well...I may have been second in command, but Robotnik never respected me. > He wasn't nice to me, you know. So, not only did I NOT have time to back out, I > was afraid to back out." CROW: Don't forget to cry a little. > I kept my eyes wide and I knew how pitiful and harmless I looked. I had > used this look on Robotnik all the time, trying to convince him not to hit me. It > only worked half the time. Half the time, Robotnik would calm down, the > other half, he was too enraged to care. SERVO: Which brings me to a question two seasons pending: Why didn't he just kill old light-bulb head and be done with it? > "What were your jobs as zee second in command?" asked the French fox. > I thought carefully on that one. Leaving out truth wasn't necessarily a lie. > GYPSY: Now's his time to impress everyone. > And if it was, I didn't give a shit. "I patrolled factories and helped > roboticize and watched surveillance." That sounded harmless enough. I left > out all the nasty details. SERVO: Like dating prostitutes that Mitchell fired and staying out until 2 am? > Like my experiments on poor helpless Mobians, my interrogations, and my > plans to find Knothole, and the fact that I had sometimes liked causing those > creatures pain. > "Did you come to Mobius strictly to rule it?" asked the King. CROW: Hey, he's got Bunnie's testimony on that one. > He seemed so much more interested in the events of the coup...He was one to > hold a grudge, I supposed. But I couldn't blame him. His peaceful kingdom had > been uprooted, his queen and daughter separated from him, and his own self thrown > in the Void. GYPSY: So, in short, he goofed and should have fired Robotnik while he had the chance. > "No...I came to Mobius with Julian because World War Four was going on. We > just came here to escape the war." > "And came here in the midst of another war." CROW: I think the entire history of the universe has been screwed up irrecoverably. > "Yes," I said. I said it sadly. Then I glanced up at the crowd. Were they > looking sorry for me? Thinking I should be spared? > All I saw was a bunch of mouths twisted downwards. That struck me as > disapproval. Oh, great. Time to turn up the pitifulness. SERVO: Sorry, Sniv, but the crowd ain't buying it. > The king grunted. "Just a few more questions, then we decide." > "Did ya even like Robotnik?" asked Bunnie. CROW[Snively]: Well, we were engaged for a time... > "No," I said. And that wasn't a lie. "I hated him." > "Are you in league with Nagus?" demanded the king. GYPSY[Snively]: Grand Nagus Zech of Ferengar? Never heard of him. > In league with Nagus? I almost laughed. That crazy old wizard. > All right, I'd been on his side in the beginning. We used to have lengthy > conversations back when Julian was warlord and Nagus the king's wizard. But > now that Nagus was back, he'd proved our friendship was null...or perhaps had > never existed. SERVO: Some friend. > Robotnik, upset at being a lackey, had tried to poison Nagus and since I > knew about it, the magical bastard had thought I was conniving against him! My > veins were still crackling with his punishing electric magic. And that happened > two days ago. GYPSY: He was only in jail for a day pending trial? This *is* science fiction! > "Your honor..majesty...let me ease your mind. I don't like Nagus. The old > coot fried with me with electricity. He threw me out of command. I wasn't even a > lackey anymore." > "A lackey? I thought you were second in command." CROW: Well, anonymous voice, let me rectify this situation for you... > "I was both," I said to the crowd, looking pitiful. "You see, I was > bestowed the gracious title of second in command, but really I was only a > flunky. You have no idea how Robotnik treated me." > I was going all out now. Shameless...but what's the shame in saving your > life? Even a shit life like mine. "He wasn't just not nice; he was cruel. A real > second in command is respected, but I wasn't. Whenever something went wrong, > who's fault was it? Mine." SERVO: Due mainly to the fact that you were always the one who made the plans in the first place. > The king raised an eyebrow and I realized, I sounded very bitter. > "So, I won't be helping Robotnik or Nagus. You could say I hold a much- > expected grudge." I gave King Acorn a pointed stare. Some of the furries > glanced at him, then me...and I knew they were wondering if King Acorn's hostility > towards me stemmed from a long-time grudge. Which it did, of course, but I was > trying my best to make his grudge seem misdirected. I wasn't the one who overthrew > him, I wasn't the one who converted his city to a toxic metal tyranny. I was > only the poor mistreated lackey. Boo hoo hoo. CROW[sobbing]: Hey, Gyps, pass the kleenex. SERVO: It's so touching. > I think it worked on some of them. The fat walrus's eyes were looking a > little more sympathetic, as were some of the nameless furries. > The king looked irritated, so I kept my grin inside my mind. > "What kinda skills do ya'all have?" asked Bunnie. Her faith in me was a bit > unsettling, but I decided to use her question to my advantage. GYPSY[Bunnie]: CAN'T Y'ALL SEE THIS POOR LI'L FELLER AIN'T EVIL!!!!????? > Were it not for my questionable morals and my motives...which included the > most common of all bad-guy goals...world domination...yes I'm ambitious, or > maybe terribly delusional. But back to my point. Were it not for my motives, > I could prove a nice addition to the Freedom Fighters. CROW: Planting flower gardens, building homes, planing another coup... > "Um...I know all the surveillance stuff...I'm a computer genius..." I > smiled a little. So I was bragging. Big deal. "I know some military tactics, > I'm good > at compiling reports and data, I'm a good mechanic, a robotics expert, good > mathematician, a specialist in advanced weaponry..." > "A master groveler," the skunk threw in. Sonic laughed. The king banged his > gavel warningly. SERVO[Acorn]: Hey, that's really fun! Bang, bang, bang! Huh? Oh, yes the trial! > "I'm fairly intelligent, a crackshot..." GYPSY: At what? > "Crackpot, maybe." Geoff snickered. > "And...I know the layout of Robotropolis better than Robotnik or Nagus or > that little computer of yours," I looked at Sally, "ever will. CROW: Sorry, just had to pause to change my eye position. > And I know lots of > codes into the main computers. Who else here knows the city like I do?" > "But Nagus is magical," said the king. "He won't need the computers. > He was trying to downplay my skills. Old bastard. "Nagus may be magical," I > growled, "but he also relies on technology. He's stingy with his magic. He > only uses it if he has to. When I was there, he had Robotnik working on the > computers and everything. He WILL be using just as much tech as the big > round guy was." GYPSY: Exept for the fact that the Freedom Fighters were first driven out of Nagotropolis by magic. > The king snorted. > "Why now?" asked Sally. She'd been surprisingly quiet through the whole > thing. I'd expected her to be more ruthless than her father. "Why do you want to > join us now? If you hated Robotnik so much, than why didn't you join us sooner?" CROW: To change our scentences to mean something else? SERVO: Crow, that gag's really old. > I knew the king was running low on patience. I was going to let loose the > biggest lie and hope the king wouldn't catch it in his bloodthirsty hands. > "I wanted to," I blurted out. I injected embarrassment into my voice. "I > really did. Robotnik treated me awful and he was crazy anyway. I always > thought I'd be better off on your side." SERVO: Mr. Snively? Your cutness is on overload, sir. > I did a very convincing sigh of misery. "But Robotnik...he could read me > like a book." Not true. Robotnik could never read me. He thought he could. But I'd > always been a good actor. > "He knew I wanted to join. He needed me around or he'd have to get off his > fat...er...get up and do the work himself. So he threatened to kill me if I > left. He'd send out SWATs after me and capture me. If I got roboticized, I'd > be lucky, he said, because the other ideas he had in mind were far more > unpleasant. And believe me...," I continued...I was warming up to my lie > now...some anguish in my voice, a pathetic face, sad eyes. The works. My > next sentence, however, wasn't a lie. > "...he always carried out his threats. On me, anyway. If he threatened me > hard if a plan failed...then I was sure to end up in the medical ward when the > plan failed." GYPSY: So it's all Sonic's fault for foiling the plans! > I closed my eyes...just imagining how many times Robotnik had hurt me. It > was a wonder I was still alive. Almost every bone in my body had been broken, > almost every inch of skin bruised, almost every organ ruptured and bled out, SERVO: Hey, that's nothing compared to Jackie Chan. > all by fatass Robotnik's angry fists. > I drew in a deep breath. Anger would only cloud my mind and I needed to > finish out my lie. I took a few deep breaths and felt my rage tuck itself away once > again. But what a huge ugly creature my rage was...and I realized I had a > lot of it. CROW[Snively]: I should never have bought it wholesale. > And it was even more vicious than Robotnik's because it had always been > shoved aside, forced back down...never expressed. The crowd was staring at > me and I noticed more sympathetic eyes. I spoke again. > "So I was scared...no...terrified. I didn't dare join you. I didn't want to > die! But I always felt so awful when I had to roboticize or take part in his > plans. I really hated myself. But I had no choice." > I saw more eyes go kindly. Good good! I was hooking them all. I put even > more drama into my act. SERVO: Mr. Snively, sir? The sympathy pill you took is wearing off. Better not... uh, oh. He just disclosed his entire plan for domination. Better get out of here. > "I thought about killing myself a few times...anything to get out of there. > I might as well have, since I'm about to die at the hands of those I wanted so > much to protect." CROW: There's a word for all of this, isn't there? SERVO: I think it's called "bull." > I worked up a few tears easily and felt the coolness of them on my cheeks. > Bunnie was sniffling. I put my head in my hands and pretended to sob. I was > really trying not to burst out laughing. > Geoff yanked me back up. I felt like punching him, but decided it looked > better this way. The crowd would think he was bullying me. I let a few more > tears slide down my face. > "How many people have you killed?" > Obviously, ole kingy wanted to end on a sour note. Screw him. I lied as > easily and naturally as breathing. > "None, your honor. I've killed no one." GYPSY: Directly, anyway. > The king growled a little, then banged his gavel. "Very well. Citizens, it > is time to make a decision. Shall we let Mr. Snively join us...or shall he be > punished for his crimes? Which includes TREASON, may I remind you." CROW: If it's a law to kill someone for treason, then why the trial? > He nodded at Geoff, who left his position of standing behind me. I relaxed > a bit. The skunk handed out little scraps of paper to everyone, including > himself and the king. SERVO: Come on, people, tear and share. > I didn't get one. Guess I can't vote for my fate. When > everyone had filled theirs out, Geoff collected them all in the stupid purple beret > he wore. GYPSY: Ugh, the papers are gonna come out smelling of old Zima and stale pig's blood. > Then he brought them up to the king. The king drew each one out, read it to > himself, and then set it on his podium. There were two piles. One pile was > bigger than the other. I gulped. Was that big pile the 'join' or 'punish' > pile? SERVO[game show host]: Mr. Snively, one of these piles will kill you and the other will set you free! Which one do you pick? > The king was going slow. I think he was making me sweat it out. At any rate > I was sweating. > The king looked up finally. "The verdict is..." CROW: ...death. Kill him, Geoff. [pow!] [thump] > The silence was drawn out. I drew in a ragged breath, much louder than I > wanted it to be. > "...that Mr. Snively...will" SERVO: Come on! > I could see Geoff's hands now, holding the thick coarse rope...me hanging... > "...join us." > My breath blew out and I felt dizzy. > I heard Bunnie say, "Congratulations," to me, but ignored her. GYPSY[Bunnie]: I think you're the kindest man ever! [The 'Bots exit the theater] o...I...II...III...IV...V...VI...\ [SOL] Servo and Gypsy are behind the counter. SERVO: I think Bunnie is on some sort of halucinogen. GYPSY: No, it's more like a manic depressant if you ask me. [Crow rushes in from the right] CROW: Fellas! I've got bad news! GYPSY: Doug Herzog is appointed president? SERVO: The Sci-Fi Channel now runs 24-hour marathons every day? GYPSY: Mystery Science Theater 3000 is cancled? CROW: Worse! We've got Geoffery St. John on line one! [Hexfield opens to show Geoff lying face-down on his couch holding a beer can and covered with his own vomit. His cabin is littered with Kiss posters and old clothes.] ST. JOHN: uuuuuugggggggg... CROW: Uh... SERVO: Crow, I thought you said he called us? CROW: I only had him on hold for thirty seconds! ST. JOHN: Huh? Oh... [Geoffery pulls himself up, executing several small farts] 'BOTS: Eew... ST. JOHN: Hey, you don't like the way I live? Fine. I like the way I live. You three automatons can't even handle the incredible force that is... Geoffrey St. John! SERVO: Uh...right. CROW: Why'd you call us again? ST. JOHN: I'll tell you why! My character in this story is completely different from the real me! And I would know! [Starts scratching his underarm] GYPSY: Well, you two seem alike... ST. JOHN: We do not! The Geoffery in the story would never chug down a hundred beers in a week, am I right? SERVO: Well... ST. JOHN: And the Geoffery in the story is inflatulated with love for Sally, right? CROW: Right. ST. JOHN: I'm not. I'm happily married to a prostitute from L.A. GYPSY: Huh. ST. JOHN: So don't go believing everything you read. I don't like it when stories like this one spread bad vibes about me. So there. [Hexfield closes] MAGIC VOICE: End communication. Commercial sign in ten seconds. SERVO: Wow, suddenly the Geoffery in the story doesn't look too bad. CROW: Yeah. It's like he has the ideal life and personality. *commercial sign* GYPSY: I still think we're facing the worst best-written story ever. SERVO: Huh? [commercials]