[SOL] Gypsy and Servo are tossing issues of Cosmopolitan, Playboy, Playgirl, and Summer Swimsuit issues of Sports Illustrated into a fire burning on the counter. Crow enters. CROW: You guys should have been there! Me and Magic Voice were tearin' down the- uh...what are you doing? SERVO[tossing a stack of magazines in]: We're getting rid of all things on this satelite that even give us a *hint* of sexuality! CROW: Okay. Why? GYPSY: We never want to act like you again. SERVO: After rushing out of the theater we had twenty sonic showers and said a million "Hail Mary"s. Now we're burning the books. [Gypsy trots off for more magazines] CROW: But what's wrong with you being me? I mean, I don't have a problem being me. SERVO: That's because you're you and I'm not you. CROW: Okay... [Gypsy comes back in with a female manequin and tosses it in.] GYPSY: There! This last manequin should do it. SERVO: No, Gypsy, that's not a manequin! That's my- [The air in the blow-up woman Gypsy tossed in expands to the point that it bursts, putting out the fire and covering the 'Bots with melted plastic.] GYPSY: Servo...we need to talk. SERVO: Uh... *movie sign* ALL: SEQUEL SIIIIIGN! [Crow tripps on Mike, still on the floor.] CROW: Sorry, Mike. \...VI...V...IV...III...II...o [The 'Bots enter the theater] SERVO: Don't hit, Gypsy. Don't hit. GYPSY: Rrrrrrr... > Orange and yellow magic crackled around the claw. "Are you a Freedom > Fighter?" CROW: If so, you win one million dollars! > Then the magic lashed out, swarming onto me. > It felt like fire through my veins. It was fire! No...when my eyes swept > over my body, I saw my skin was not burning. But the terrible energy felt like my > nerves were exploding and my skin bubbling and melting inside. SERVO: Well, is it fire or not? > I screamed. > I thought I heard Robotnik laughing. Nagus repeated his question. I barely > acknowledged but wailed, "Yes! Yesssss I AM!!!!" CROW: I *am* a Trekkie! Yes! > The magic faded. The SWATs held me around the waist...I hugged my body, > almost hysterically. But it did nothing to soothe me. But suddenly my eyes widened. > My hand had touched something in one of my pockets. Of course! GYPSY[as Snively]: I'll throw my pocket at him! > It was the remote Robotnik had given me a long time ago. It could control > 'bots, including the SWAT holding me... SERVO: Wait...he wasn't frisked by the Freedom Fighters? > "Where is KnotHole?" demanded Nagus, after a whispered conference with his > lackey. Geoffrey started moaning. He was coming back to the world. CROW[as Geoff]: No...no, I'm still alive! > I said nothing. > The magic crackled. I cried, "I won't give away KnotHole!" > And then Geoff sat up. Robotnik and Nagus looked towards him, and I took > the distraction to draw out my remote. Seconds later, the SWAT released me and > stood still. Geoff shoved past Nagus and I followed. > "C'mon traitor!" Geoff hissed. He allowed me to run ahead of him, and he > wouldn't let me stop. He was a little overeager to get me out of there. GYPSY: The ever-ungreatful Geoffrey. > > ************** SERVO: The NRA reviews Fox's newest special, When Shootouts Kill III. > > When we reached KnotHole, Geoff was silent, hovering in the background as I > gave the disk to Sally. She asked me what was on it and I told her I didn't > know. I hadn't looked at it. > She walked off towards her hut and Geoff popped back into the foreground. CROW: So Geoff's real power is that he can rearange landscapes? > His black hand shot out and grabbed my skinny arm. He squeezed crushingly hard > and then swept my legs out from under me. I hit the ground hard. Then his boot > kicked me in the ribs. It hurt and I started whining. > He reached down, grabbed my nose, and pulled me to my feet. I tried to > punch him, while gasping for breath, but he grabbed my fists. GYPSY[as Geoff]: Thanks for savin' our butts, man. > "Stop it!" I yelled. "Let go of me!" > "You traitor," he hissed. "You gave away KnotHole!" > Before I could protest, he was dragging me off to one of the huts. It was a > newer hut...the thatch was golden instead of the faded brown-gray like the > rest. > Geoff didn't knock. He just barged in, dragging me by the back of the > collar. My toes scraped against the ground. CROW: Doesn't he have any boots? SERVO: The only thing all the animals wear is boots and Snively wears everything *but* boots! > King Acorn was seated in a chair and he looked up at our arrival. "Bad news?" > he asked upon seeing me. He was holding a jeweled scepter in his hands. > "I'm afraid KnotHole's newest citizen has betrayed out trust." > King Acorn rose up. "Release him." Geoff did, and I indignantly brushed > myself off. > "He gave away KnotHole," accused Geoff. GYPSY: I think Geoffrey is a little psycotic. > "I did not!" > The king looked very calm. "Your proof?" > "I heard him. We got captured in the city and I got knocked out. I woke up > to hear him telling Nagus where KnotHole was." > "He's lying!" I burst out. "I told them I wouldn't give away KnotHole! They > don't know where it is. I didn't tell them!" > The king had always seemed so calm and composed. CROW: Except for when he wasn't. > I didn't have time to react because it happened fast. One second the king > had the scepter poised up, calmly, and the next second he clubbed me with it. SERVO: Caveman politics. > Right across the face. I crashed down to the floor and curled up to protect my > stomach. The club descended on my back and shoulders. > I tried to kick the king. It was a mistake. I didn't hit him and I exposed > my stomach. The scepter slammed into my belly, as brutal as a baseball bat. My > innards smashed against my spine, my cries caught in my throat. My fingers > strained at the air helplessly. I curled up before he could hit me again. GYPSY: So the heirarchy of Knothole is a gang of thugs? > Geoff kicked me and I heard the king clear his throat. The chair squeaked > as he sat back down and I heard a thump. He'd set the scepter down on his desk, > I guess. The crazy bastard. SERVO: I think the whole point of this is to make us feel sorry for the main character. GYPSY: Well, all I feel is boredom. > Tears felt strangely hot on my face, and I felt blood...even hotter, > bubbling out of my mouth. My teeth had cut the inside of my cheek. CROW[arrogant]: Dumb humans. Robots don't have skin, so we can't bite ourselves. > "Then it's settled." I heard the flick of a match and smelled the tang of > smoke. I looked up to see who was the smoker. Both of them. The king with a > cigar and Geoff with a long cigarette. ALL: Huh? CROW[as King with Brittish accent]: Well, smokes all around, then, eh what? > Everybody did something harmful to their bodies. Me with my booze and my > apathy...letting everybody beat me around...them with their cigars and > blackened lungs. SERVO: I refuse to believe the King of Mobius smokes. CROW: Then just scroll up. SERVO: [pause] Aaargh! > "It's settled," the king repeated. "There will be no trial. He will be hung. > I should've done so in the first place." CROW: But where's your *proof*? > Geoff opened a closet. From my position on the floor, I could see his feet > and tail. He reached for something. And then I saw a long trailing length of > rope. GYPSY: This is sudden. > I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth. The blood smeared over my cheek. > I knew from experience that my teeth would be slimey red with it. Robotnik had > hit me in the face plenty of times. SERVO: And every time I just happened to have Kool-Aid in my mouth. > I pushed myself into a sitting position. It sent needles...no, more like > knife stabs...of pain through me. Right up through my stomach to the base of my > spine. I felt sick. CROW: Then get off the ornamental bed of nails the King sleeps on. > Then Geoffrey grabbed me and we left the hut. > > ************* > SERVO: Is it over yet? CROW: ...we still have half the document left. SERVO: AAAARRRRGGGHHH! > A while later, King Acorn and Geoffrey had the rope strung over a tree limb, > the end tied into a noose. It wasn't a proper gallows. Geoff would hold onto > the free end of the rope and pull me off the ground. GYPSY: They're under the cover of midnight on the outskirts of town. SERVO: What the hell kind of characterization is this? > I sighed. Didn't matter if it was proper or not. It would still keep the > air out of me. > I wondered briefly if I would die from air not getting IN. Maybe it was the > other way. Perhaps the hanged died because air couldn't get OUT. CROW: And why does it matter? > But either way they died. > We had passed by Sally's hut on the way to the tree. She hadn't even looked > out the window. Real attentive, that one. She'd been focused entirely on her > hand-held computer. Opening the file I'd downloaded, I guess. GYPSY: Which Geoff seemes to have forgoten about. > King Acorn directed me to the noose and lifted the rope necklace up and > placed it around my neck. For a brief second I felt like a prince receiving his > father's crown and mantle. SERVO: What a comparisson! > "For betraying the location of KnotHole...a feat equal to TREASON!! [Echoes throughout the theater] BOTS: Woah. > ...this man will hang." The small crowd around us gasped. > The king nodded solemnly at Geoff. I closed my eyes, feeling the pounding > of my heart, my mind pleading and sobbing. I was terrified and my fear sparkled > down my cheeks. > It's the end. The blissful end. No pain ever. It was a tempting thought. > Lord knows...be it the Mobian lord or the Earth lord or any lord at all...they > knew I'd suffered. Suffered my entire wretched life. GYPSY: Ever since the doctor dropped him on the head... > Death meant no pain. No pain ever ever ever... > But then I realized how addicted I was to pain as my feet left the ground. > Hanging...or any sort of strangulation... is not as quick as it looks in > the movies. I must of hung for a full two minutes, struggling like a fish, a > hook ripped through its lip. My eyes bulged and my throat was going numb. My > lungs stretched and screamed, the trapped air inside straining for a way out. My > veins ached, every single vessel...from the smallest capillary to the > largest artery. SERVO: Just die, already! > I felt my feet kicking. They seemed far off. Unimportant. All the agony was > in my chest and head. > Then I heard screaming. Just as I blacked out I felt the sensation of > dropping to the ground...something striking me...no me striking something...the > ground... > And then all was dark. > > ************** > SERVO: The end. Let's go. > "I'm dead." My voice sounded slurred. Was I drunk? No! That bastard. The > crazy old coot. He almost killed me! SERVO: Grrrrrrr... > I drew in quick frantic breaths, and then slowed down, relishing the feel > of air swirling into my lungs. > "Snively? You ok?" I felt a warm hand on my forehead. It felt so good. I > took it in my hands and kissed it...the silky palm, the slender fingers...the > sweet vanilla smell of the fur. > I opened my eyes to see Sally looming over me. I released her hand. Damn! > Now I felt stupid. I saw Bunnie sitting on a bed, looking concerned. CROW: Wait...Sally's hand smells of Vanilla? ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! > I suddenly wished it was her crouching beside me. Her hand I kissed. > "I'm fine," I rasped. My neck burned and I touched it with a tentative hand. > Rope burns. SERVO[as Snively]: I had deduced, using my deductive powers, that it was from the noose. > The beast reared up again. My rage, clawing its way up my throat...I tried > to close it in the cage of my teeth, but it was too late. "Where is he?!" I > hollered. "Where is that fucking bastard!?" > Sally grabbed my hands. "Calm down!" > I ignored her and screamed. Too angry. Can't calm...I cursed her out. > Bunnie took Sally's place, trying to calm me...nice try. The beast had found an > outlet through my voice and this little fool rabbit thought she could force the > beast back in? I couldn't even keep it in! GYPSY: Ah, is this that "Beast Wars" you guys were telling me about? SERVO: Uh, no, Gypsy. > She tried to shush me by lying her fingers against my lips, but it didn't > work. I don't have control...not now... > "Shush, shush now, hon," Bunnie whispered soothingly. Then she leaned > forward. Her lips brushed mine for a moment. It wasn't a sensual kiss. More like a > motherly peck. But firecrackers exploded throughout my veins and heat > suddenly flushed all over my body. I hoped I wasn't blushing...she couldn't know how > much that peck had affected me. CROW: Violence and sex: The furry animal way! > No! It couldn't be. It wasn't her. It was just my brush with death. Bunnie > smiled and that sight was so wondrous I almost gasped. I never dreamed a > furry...a stupid animal...no! It's my imagination...no animal is that > beautiful. > "You're fine then?" asked Sally. She was all business now. Or all bitch. I > snickered...ow! I clutched my belly in pain. > "Yes, except your father beat the crap out of me before he tried to kill me. > Where's the doctor around here?" SERVO: No, don't bring even more unappealing characters into the story! > She frowned. "I was hoping you could make it to the meeting." GYPSY[as Sally]: Almost getting killed by my dad is no excuse to miss the meeting. > I must admit...I almost lost it again. So nonchalant...how could she be so > DAMN insensitive? I thought these Freedom Fighters were > caring...compassionate...the exact opposite of ole Julian... But no! Sally > was being just like my uncle. I had nearly DIED for God's sake, and she wanted > me to...go to meetings? My recovery had to fit HER schedule... CROW: Nicole is rubbing off on Sally. > "Well...I am in agonizing pain, but I suppose I can sit and drink tea and > play a little bridge." > Sally frowned. > "I need some painkillers, NOW, princess, if you don't mind." I stared her > square in the eye. She was frowning harder. Didn't believe her wonderful > father could do such a brutal thing. > Then she nodded slightly. "All right. I won't call the meeting yet. Not > till you're checked out." SERVO: This entire story is as boring as a meeting. GYPSY: And our riffs are suffering. > "I'm touched, princess," I said as we headed towards the infirmary. > "Postponing your meeting for me." > "You got the file. You oughta know what's on it." She sounded polite in > that forced way...when you really want to tell a person to go fuck theirself. > Well, piss on her. Wasn't my fault her father was a fucking lunatic. The Void > must've done it to him. He wasn't nearly so fruity when he was king. CROW: Geez, calm down! > "So...is this doctor certified?" SERVO: Yep, his name is Quack! > "He's the best we have. He was a doctor for my father." > "Great. Now I know I won't come out alive," I muttered. > We entered the infirmary...by this time I was walking very painfully. > The doc was a duck. His tag read "Quack". Doctor Quack, eh? The name seemed > stupid...like some kind of bad pun. The guy probably was a crackpot. GYPSY: And what new character isn't? > "What's the problem?" he asked me. > "I need some painkillers. King Acorn beat me up." > "Really?" He cocked an eyebrow. > "Yes, really." > "Hokay. Follow me." SERVO: Dum, de-dump-dump-dum. > He wanted to examine me. I thought it was unnecessary. I just wanted the > pills. But he insisted. I had to wrap myself up in a sheet because they > didn't have those stupid paper robes. Then I had to lay down on a metal table. CROW: And our tax dollars are funding things like this? > I was glad Geoff wasn't here. The sicko would probably try to molest me. ALL: Augh!!! > As it was, Doctor Quack poked and prodded my stomach. I felt like punching him. He > kept jabbing me, hard enough to make me start whining. > Stupid prick. I knew my poor body was bruised, especially my back and > stomach, and this doc was being just as nonchalant as the princess about it. But I > was the traitor, wasn't I? They didn't have to treat me with respect. SERVO: But doesn't Mobius have something called the Hippocratic Oath? > I deserve it, I suppose. I'd never treated them with respect...much less > kindness.... > "You got a few scars on your stomach," said the good doc. GYPSY: That's my diagnosis. Fifty bucks, please. > "It's from surgery," I said. > "I could tell. From what? Don't look so hostile. It's doctor's curiosity." > "It was to repair internal bleeding," I sighed. Damn that Robotnik... > "The medics did a good job," he remarked. "You can barely see the scars." > "I won't be wearing any midriff shirts anyway." > "You'll have some bruising and probably pain for a few days, but nothing's > serious." He poked a gloved finger into my mouth to check out the wound my > teeth had made. CROW: But Doctor Quack doesn't wear gloves...oh, I see. > So, I made it to the meeting with a wad of gauze in my mouth and loaded > with painkillers. SERVO[stonned]: Whoo, psycadelic meeting, man! [All exit the theater] o...II...III...IV...V...VI...\ [SOL] Gypsy and Servo are talking. SERVO: I think King Max is on some sort of halucinogen. GYPSY: No, it's more like a manic depressant if you ask me. [Crow rushes in] CROW: Fellas! I've got bad news! SERVO: The earth has tilted on its axis, as Nostradamus said it would? GYPSY: Kiss was asked to perform at the White House? SERVO: Mystery Science Theater 3000 is canceled? CROW: Even worse! Snively's calling on line one! [Hexfield opens and shows Snively in a fast-food uniform and holding a spatula. He is in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant.] SNIVELY: Hello. GYPSY: Um...hi. SERVO: What'cha want? SNIVELY: I'm just calling to inform you of my plan to once again conquer the universe! CROW: Oh, okay. SERVO: Let us know how it turns out. GYPSY: Say, are you still getting beat up by everyone you meet? SNIVELY: No, just those street thugs on my way home. You see, I've returned to Earth and now I live a nice, peacefull life here at The Big G Burger. CROW: How nice. SNIVELY: And you won't *believe* the characters I've had to put up with. Why, just yesterday this annoying white-haired man with a split curl came in and asked me where he could find someone named "Doctor F". [bitterly] I don't understand why he kept calling me "Steve". But anyway when I said no, he flew up through the roof. Weird, huh? GYPSY: Whatever. *Mads' sign* CROW: Uh, Mrs. F is calling. SNIVELY: But I vowed to myself that one day, I will reconquer the planet earth! SERVO: How? SNIVELY: Simple. By reconstituting the nuclear warhead armament pact... [Enterprise conference room] All the senior staff members except Picard have gathered at the table. Pearl is standing at the foot of the table with Bobo and Observer. They are being guarded by Worf. PEARL: 'Bots, check this out. When the captain gets here we'll tell him... the *truth*! Isn't that the coolest plan you've ever heard? Then we'll just play it by ear afterward! BOBO: Hey, Mr. Wharf, can those replicator thingies make wood ticks? WORF: [growl] PEARL[cautious]: Bobo, don't tease the nice Klingon. OBSERVER: You know, Pearl. I can get us all out of this whole thing by just taking control of everyone's minds and- PEARL: Do you want to sit in the corner of the universe? OBSERVER: Shutting up, Pearl. [Picard enters] PICARD: All right, what's all this about, Mr. Worf? WORF: These three... [looks at Bobo] humanoids...have requested to speak to you. PICARD: Very well. What do you want? PEARL[acting innocent]: Dear captain, sir...we crashed into your deflector dish by accident and this...bumpy guy captured us and wanted to throw us in the mean old brig. PICARD: Well, it is Starfleet procedure to- PEARL: [Throwing herself onto the table in front of the captain, talking rapidly] But we weren't doing anything bad! We were just looking at the map! Then we looked up and saw this big bright circle coming at us and... [weeps] we didn't know what to do! Please spare us! PICARD: umm... [SOL] The 'bots are asleep. *commercial sign* SNIVELY[pointing out a small dot on his flow chart]: ...and you see, by taking control of the ape heirarchy, I can command the entire populous to bow down before the Great Kahuna, who is controled by me... [commercials]