[ ALL file into theater ] > "FX DOWN TO MOBIUS" TOM: FX Down to Mobius City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. > > By G. T. Ettinger III JOEL: Fanfic writer and international mutual fund portfolio advisor. > > Sonic the Hedgehog and all other related characters are copyrighted > property of Service and Games (SEGA), JOEL: I didn't know Sega stood for anything. CROW: Oh, yeah, like they strongly support oxygen and lemonade and toothpicks and stuff. > Archie Comic Publications and/or > DiC productions. TOM: We don't know either. > > Note From the Author: I am a new STH FanFic writer and I would like to > know the opinion of my readers. CROW: We'll do our best. TOM: Mind you, getting to us is a pretty good indicator. > I'm not sure if I stink or not, JOEL: I sometimes wonder if Shakespeare ever wondered if he stank. TOM: He did live three hundred years before soap was popular, Joel. JOEL: True. > so > please E-mail me at ettinger@tir.com. Please do not judge my story CROW: Just give me your opinion on it. > as dumb and "Non-Sonic" because of the beginning. TOM: Wait until the end to hate it. > Sonic will appear > in this story, but only near the end. JOEL: And we'll be giving a prize to the first person who spots him, so have your note cards ready. > This story mainly introduces > a new character. CROW: Because nobody likes the old characters. > To other FanFic writers: This story introduces a > new character TOM: You know, I'd heard that. > and, if you ask me, you may use him as you wish in your > own stories. CROW: As a teddy bear. > If you do use him, PLEASE do not, I repeat, do NOT > change him, kill him or cripple him. JOEL: Make sure there isn't a smidgen of character development. > The Story May Begin: TOM: Oh, *may* it? > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Sitting at his comm post, Fred (or "Freddy" as he preferred to be > called) the Ferret leaned back in his chair with his standard laziness, > which some could consider "impolite." CROW: Others would consider it "vermicelli." > But, he had an excuse for his > boredom this time, TOM: Because he read the fanfic ahead of time. > because Ferretara, his planet, CROW, TOM: [ Snicker ] JOEL: Some folks never recover from the ThunderCats. > had not received a > single message in months. CROW: A planet full of people, and not one of them has a friend? > The recent decrease in comm activity had > forced him to take a strong dislike to his job. JOEL: Man, being paid for doing nothing all day is crummy, huh? > But, better a bad > job than no job at all, he always said. CROW: Over and over and over again. > He was so immersed in his > daydreaming that he didn't notice his girlfriend Elizabeth come up > behind him. > "How's the job going?" she asked, causing Freddy to fall off > his chair. TOM: Aaaah! JOEL: Don't *do* that, Radar! > "Huh? Oh, yeah, my job...Well, you know, same as usual..." he > said, slowly trailing off. TOM: "I have no idea what I'm doing." > "That bad, eh?" she said, rolling her eyes. Freddy attempted > to crack a grin, but noticeably failed. Liz's grin grew even wider, CROW: Ha-ha! JOEL: Stuff is funny! > and wider still as she watched Freddy try and get back into his chair > while in a dazed state. TOM: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. > "I gave him quite a scare this time....as if > it wasn't easy to tell...." she murmured to herself. CROW: Why? > Freddy, who had > finally gotten back into his chair, JOEL: [ As Freddy ] "I, uh, forgot how to work the chair." > caught a few of her words and was > about ask her what she had said, when his comm line beeped. CROW: [ As Freddy ] "Oh! I had the silly comm thing on 'mute'!" TOM: Moot? CROW: Maybe. > "A message? Wow. I never dreamt it possible. We haven't had any > messages for only TWO MONTHS!!!" Freddy said, annoyed. TOM: So he's bored when there's nothing to do, and now that there's something to do, he's upset about it. > "Just answer it, you piece of cheese!" Liz quickly snapped. JOEL: Insults fresh from First Grade to your fanfic. > "Okay, okay. Geez...if only she were the comm operator...she'd > be annoyed too, I'd bet. If only....." Freddy replied, twice as annoyed > as he was at first. CROW: He's got something of a temper problem, doesn't he? > "Hello? This is Ferretara comm station 303. Calling 205, over." JOEL: Bingo. Over. > Said the voice on the other side. Freddy sighed, picked up the mike > and sent out the reply. TOM: Okay, how about Petaluma? > "Comm station 205 here, 303. What's going on?" > he asked the other station. CROW: "Oh, did we call Comm Station 205? We meant to call 'Com Station Friendless Loser Ferret Planet.'" JOEL: You be nice, Crow. > "We're detecting meteorite activity in your area! Check your > scanners!" JOEL: Watch the skies! > Sure enough, a strange rock had crashed into the ground > nearby. > "I'll go see if I can retrieve any pieces of that thing. CROW: Yeah, there's a *chance* there won't be weird radioactive goop that turns you into an evil pod-clone-zombie-killer that has to be subdued by a couple branches of the armed forces in that meteorite. > Those > guys at the Ferretropolis Labs might like to get their hands on a > meteorite, TOM: "I'll just throw it through their window at 4 a.m., then run away real fast." > seeing as most of em are smashed in the asteroid field," > Freddy said. JOEL: Huh? > Freddy jumped into a hovercar and went to the crash site, CROW: Actually, he crashed the car into the com panel. The goof. > 3 miles > away. He waved his hand around the meteorite. TOM: [ As Freddy ] "Huh...labelled 'Chunk of Deep 13'...wonder what that means." > Strangely, it wasn't > giving off any heat. CROW: Instead it gave out coupons to a new bar downtown. > He quickly grabbed a piece of the rock and jumped > into the car. It didn't start. "Shoot. This rock put the engine on > the fritz." JOEL: You have to turn the key first. > he said to himself. He got out and ran towards the > Ferretropolis Laboratory with the rock. TOM: Shame he didn't have a cell phone. JOEL: Even if he did, he's the one who's supposed to watch the comm. TOM: Oh yeah. > But there was mine between > him and the lab. CROW: Mine what? JOEL: What's mine is mine. > A NegaGem mine. NegaGems were a source of power. > Not magical or anything, TOM: Really! No! Not at all! Just when it advances the plot. > just full of power and radiation. Forgetting > either it's existence or it's location, he tripped and fell in. CROW: [ Snickers ] TOM: This is a refreshing change. JOEL: Freddy's one of the least competent protagonists we've had in a long while. > Inside, the energies in the meteorite and the gems mixed into him > and did something amazing.... JOEL: They let him get through two paragraphs without tripping, falling, stumbling, or breaking something? > Freddy came to after a few hours. He was still in the mine. TOM: I don't mean to gripe, but wouldn't a mine for something as vaguely powerful as these NegaGems be marked or guarded or something? > "Hmm......" he began to speculate what had happened, "I must have > fallen into the mine, hit my head, and conked out. CROW: You were there when it happened, Freddy. > Oh my gosh!!! > Look at the time!!! I should have been back to my post hours ago!!! TOM: Now, see, I personally would worry about being stuck in a mine, injured, out of contact, with no one aware of his current location. > Man, am I in deep sludge now...." > He ran to his hovercar and hopped in. JOEL: So...this mine was, like, one foot deep? > He couldn't get it to > start. "Oh yeah," he said to himself, "The meteorite conked out the > pulse drive CROW: Maybe he just left the headlights on. > .....Oh no!!! Where _is_ the meteorite? TOM: Just think of the last place you'd look for it and start there. > Too late to look > for it now.....I gotta get back to my post!" CROW: Yeah, a second call might come in any month now. > As he ran toward the > city, he noticed that it had started to rain. JOEL: Then suddenly he noticed he was in a completely different fanfic from the one he started in. > He kept running. All > of the sudden, he started to feel strange. TOM: All of the sudden? > "What the......Augh!!!!" He began to float into the air. CROW: Actually, the ground just sank underneath him. TOM: Neat. > His > hands began to glow with blue light. "Wha-what s happening to me?" > he stammered. JOEL: I'm...being drawn with an editor's pencil! > Suddenly, the energy in him burst out of his hands, TOM: But since it was all potential energy, nobody noticed it. > circled him, and then crashed into him. CROW: He just knocked himself out, didn't he? JOEL: This guy can't get a break. > He was glowing all over, > and a yellow streak masked his eyes. TOM: I--I can't see! I can't see! JOEL: The world looks like mustard! > He slowly was lowered to the > ground. After checking himself over, he stammered out a single word: > "Coooool....." CROW: I have to give him that. JOEL: Yeah, me too. TOM: Yeah, that is pretty cool. > He thought of something. "Maybe the NegaGems and that Meteorite > charged me with power.... TOM: Maybe he shouldn't try to figure it out right now. > I wonder why this happened to me right now, > then, why not while I was in the mine.....Wait, of course!!" He > snapped his fingers. JOEL: The gardener is *left-handed*, so Lord Buttons couldn't possibly have been the murderer! > "NegaGems are most powerful underwater be cause > of the hydrogen and oxygen content! CROW: What? TOM: Huh? > Since it was raining, I was > exposed to water!!! JOEL: Yeah, but you lost the meteorite before it rained. CROW: Maybe he accidentally swallowed it or it rained while he was unconscious or something. JOEL: Okay, maybe. > That's what happened!!! What does the hydrogen do, > then?" TOM: Fred. It explodes violently. Don't mess with it. > He decided to find out. He closed his eyes and concentrated. CROW: On what? > His hands began to glow. Then, all of the sudden, a small fireball > came out of his hand, torching a small sapling. TOM: So...he's setting fire by using water, right? JOEL: Have to wonder if NASA's explored this little quirk of water. > Thanks to the heavy > downpour, the sapling didn't stay on fire for very long. "What does > the oxygen do?" he concentrated once again. CROW: Boost flammability to the extent that instant death arises from almost any minor spark? > He began to feel wind > going through his fur. He rose into the air. "This rocks!!! Now I can > get back to my post in no time!!" JOEL: His first impulse on achieving the dream of unaided flight is to use it to shorten his commute time? > > He flew back to the comm station. Before going in, he managed to > figure out a way to "power down." CROW: You know, I hear this story was written in a single draft. JOEL: No! CROW: Yeah, no revisions or anything. TOM: You don't say. > He met Liz inside. "Where have you > been?" she demanded. > "It's a long story." He replied. > "Well here's a bigger story." JOEL: Then she handed him a Mitchner novel. > she said, "Planet Phero has declared > war on us........" TOM: Phero, home planet of iron and magnetism. > "What do you mean, 'they've declared war on us'?" He yelped. > "Just what it sounds like, duh!" She replied. > "But why? Why declare war on us? What did we do?" CROW: Their official declaration mentioned something about Ferretara being "just plain goofy." > Freddy said. > He gulped after finishing his sentence. TOM: He can't swallow the story either. JOEL: C'mon, both of you play nice now. > "How should I know? One minute that weird Pheorian comm operator > asks to see our superior, Regg Donner, CROW: I mention his name in case you forgot who your boss is. > and the next minute the Superior > is telling us not to panic!" she explained. "Anyway, where have you > been? TOM: Gee, you'd think with the war and all, where he's been wouldn't be that important. > You were gone hours! That rock couldn't have been THAT heavy!" JOEL: Yeah, the people at the lab wouldn't be talking with him, or asking about the area where it was found, or anything. > Freddy briefly told her what had happened, but it was clear that > she didn't believe him. "You have got to get a better excuse than that! > What REALLY happened?" She asked again. TOM: Only the next time she asked, she said, "Who wrote the story 'Blue Men of Yrano'?" > "You don't believe me? Get me a glass of water and I'll prove it!" > He said. JOEL: He'll instantly tell you whether it's half full or half empty! > "Water? What kind of fool do you take me for??? I have never felt > this INSULTED!!!!!" she screamed, then turned away. CROW: Lucky he didn't ask for Mountain Dew. > "Okay, I'll get it." He walked off, then came back after a few > minutes. TOM: "I'm lost." > "Okay, now watch this!" She watched him pour the water onto > his hands. CROW: And now he's going to make some bread dough! Nothing can stop him! > "I'm waiiitti--What the heck.......?!" Freddy hands had begun to > glow. "Man alive, what's going on???!!!" she stammered. > Freddy's eyes began to glow until light was blasting out his eyes. JOEL: The war and the meteorite weren't enough, now he's swallowed a flashlight! > The glowing had stopped, and Freddy could be seen with an almost evil > grin on his face. "Whoa, proved ME wrong!" she stammered. TOM: Freddy, you've mastered the ability to...uh...what, again? > "By the way," Freddy began, "What on Ferretara is a man? Whatever > it is, it sure sounds like something dumb." CROW: Which makes it different...oh, forget it. I don't have the heart. > Liz replied, "I dunno, I just heard it somewhere. Anyway, the > Government needs recruits for the new army, JOEL: 'Cause we noticed how many doofuses were in the established army. > the FDAF, short for > Ferretara Defense and Attack Force. TOM: And she told us the acronym because...? JOEL: At least the story's written to Associated Press stylebook standards. > They could really use you, what > with your powers and all." > "I don't know..." He replied slowly, "Do you plan to sign up? CROW: At least for the walleyball special forces unit? > You're not a bad fighter yourself." > She thought for a minute. "I guess I'll sign up if you do." TOM: Are we going to have study hall the same period? > "Well then," he said, "it seems to be settled. Where do we > sign up?" JOEL: Freddy is taking all of this rather nonchalantly, actually. CROW: Yeah, I mean, his day...first activity on the job in two months, gaining superpowers, planet going to war, joining the army... he's acting like all he got was a notice his bank was issuing new checks to all its account holders. > Liz went over to a CPU terminal and typed a few keys. "According > to this, it's at Comm Station 118 from 14:00 to 16:00...uh oh." > "What?" he asked. TOM: The clock only goes up to 12:00. > "Comm station 118 is pretty far away. Even > taking a HyperPortal couldn't get us there in time." CROW: So, to repel an alien invasion, they're making an army, but they've got only one recruiting station, and it's only going to be open for two hours for the whole war? > HyperPortals took > them to any different area in Ferretropolis in a split second. The > problem was that there were so many Comm Stations in Ferretropolis > that they couldn't have a portal near each one. TOM: They have a jillion comm stations that see *no* activity for months on end; but they have instantaneous transportation, but don't build up lots of the portal stations. Is anyone in charge of this planet? > "Oh no!" Freddy cried. > "It's already 15:15! We can't make- waitaminute!" > "What is it?" asked Liz. JOEL: If we can combine the great tastes of lemon and lyme in one liquid, we can make a fantastic iced tea flavoring! > "I can fly us there!" Freddy explained, "If I go fast enough, we > can just make it! If we can't make it, TOM: We'll hide out in Canada! > then we get stuck as civilians > on the Middle Planet." The Middle Planet was a small planet that was > between Ferretara and Phero CROW: So the planets in their solar system are thumbtacked in place? > that was too far away from Phero for them > to scan it and know that it's there, but close enough to Ferretara for > the Ferretarans to find it. JOEL: They kept it in their third drawer, next to their woolly sweaters. TOM: Wait, wait. The Middle Planet is between Ferretara and Phero, and Phero can detect Ferretara, but can't detect the Middle Planet? CROW: That's about the size of it. > After landing on it, they set up a large > Holo-Emitter and Deflector Shield generator. That way, the planet was > invisible and had an atmospheric shield in case of an attack. TOM: Yeah, you wouldn't want those things on your *inhabited* planet. > After about a half-hour, they arrived at the station with 15 > minutes to spare. CROW: This story's time-coded so you know it's fresh. > "Whew," Freddy began as he wiped his forehead, > "I was afraid we wouldn't make it and be sent to the Middle Planet. JOEL: So...in times of war, they abandon their entire economy, infrastructure, and cultural base? > I went there once, and it was BORING!". They got in the back of line, > which, unsurprisingly, wasn't a very long one. TOM: So they're going to have an army of about ten people? > "You've been to the Middle Planet?", asked Liz. > "Yeah, a few years ago on one of my Dad's scientific trips. He > was going to meet the head engineer to discuss the matter of an > atmospheric shield setup." He replied. CROW: [ As Liz ] You had a Dad? JOEL: [ As Freddy ] Yeah, a few years ago on one of my planets' atmospheric tests. > After a few more minutes, it was their turn to sign up. TOM: And they found out they were in the line for getting drivers' licenses and boy did *they* feel like goofs. > "Okay, > next." said the fat white ferret behind the counter in a rather grumpy > voice. JOEL: So very grumpy. CROW: He just misses his mommy. > "Type yer name here," he said, pointing to a small compad > computer. TOM: Awfully loose entry requirements for their army. > Freddy signed his name as "FX," which was a childhood > nickname that some old friends liked calling him because as a child, > he was good at making weird sound effects with his computerized sound > editor. CROW: This planet is going to hand out weapons to all its A/V geeks? JOEL: Inside of two weeks, individual acts of revenge would see every junior high school in the world blown up. > After all, in the Ferretaran army, you could have a codename > if you wanted. TOM: They're thoughtful that way. > Liz wrote her name (Liz was proud of her name, so she > didn't really want a codename), then they were taken to the test area JOEL: "Uh, sir, we were told that in the new Army there wouldn't be word problems." > where they had to prove their usefulness to the army with a ProtoLaser > rifle and a diamantium cube. CROW: Diamantium? TOM: This reads like one of those alternate histories the Star Trek characters keep falling into. > Diamantium was a rare substance found > only on the Middle Planet that was able to take many ProtoLaser shots > without being damaged. JOEL: It shared this wonderful property with magazine subscription cards. > Liz went first, making a small gray circle > near the center of the target on the large cube with a well-placed > ProtoLaser blast. TOM: So you can only join the Army if you're already Army-trained. JOEL: Looks like. > "Okay, you're in, Miss...," the fat ferret looked > at the compad, "Liz." > When Freddy's turn came, he decided to test his fireball powers. CROW: I guess they didn't have a 'miscellaneous' line on the recruitment form. > He still had a little charge from the glass of water he dumped on his > hands earlier and began to charge his hands. JOEL: Revenge of the Puttermans. > As Freddy's hands began > to glow, the fat ferret (who still hadn't given his name) wondered > what he was up to. TOM: [ As the recruiting officer ] "Aw, not *another* guy who got hit by a meteor and developed weird powers." > Freddy unleashed three small fireballs, making a > small crater in the Diamantium. CROW: "Hey! We were saving that!" > The check-in ferret gaped at Freddy, > and finally said, "You're definitely in. JOEL: Seeing as how you're a freak and all. > I suggest that you check in > with the general before you go down to the base. TOM: He's the only one who knows where the base is. > He's in that Shuttle > over there.", he said, pointing to a small shuttle that had landed a > few blocks away. CROW: Why, there's a shuttle over there. TOM: Story promises, story delivers. > As he left with Liz, the Check-in ferret turned to > a Comm Radio and signaled the general. JOEL: "Honey, how was your day?" > "Hey Rob, some new recruit is > comin' to see ya', and wait'll you see what he can do............" CROW: Ooh, look, he's got a caterpillar in his sentence. > Freddy rapped on the shuttle door. The door opened. A ferret > in red uniform stepped out. TOM: Why'd you wrap my door? > "Oh yeah," he grunted, "You must be 'dat > new recruit. Come on in." JOEL: Dat danged ding dere duz diddly. > They stepped into the shuttle. "I'll tell > 'ya one thing, mac," the general spoke, "I'm not gonna waste my time > talkin' to recruits who can't do squat. CROW: But first things first. Are you wearing any socks I can steal? > This trick of yours had > better be REAL good." TOM: [ As Freddy ] Well, I saw David Blaine do this one once, how hard can it be? > Freddy knew how much hydrogen and oxygen was in just a teaspoon > of water, CROW: And he wasn't encumbered by any considerations for the principles of chemistry or physics... > so he was pretty sure that he had enough charge to blast a > few fireballs. Although, shooting fireballs inside the generals' > private shuttle was, of course, not a good idea. JOEL: But it'd be cool, so he did it anyway. > He flared up his > hands so that small fireballs circled his arms. TOM: "Uh...help me? I'm on fire here...no, really, I mean..." > The general gaped. "How in the heck are you doing that???" the > general stammered. JOEL: "The best I can do is make little balls of milk duds circle my head!" > "It's a long story." Freddy replied. CROW: And I should start off my military career by needlessly antagonizing any potential future commanding officers. > "But anyway, what now? I'm > surely more useful than any ensign." TOM: I can do parlor tricks; therefore military discipline and training are inapplicable. > The general thought for a minute. "Well pal, I guess that I could > let you start as a Trained Lieutenant." JOEL: Ensigns, Lieutenants, and Generals, in one Army. > Freddy pondered on this and then asked the general a question, > "What about my friend, Liz? She's pretty experienced TOM: [ As General ] "I know...erp, I mean..." > as a fighter." TOM: [ As General ] "Yeah, that's what I meant." > The general thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, I guess she > could. CROW: Not that I've ever met her. > But this is just a favor for you. We really think you could > be useful." Liz and Freddy hi-fived. ALL: [ Suddenly spotting Liz ] Aaaah! JOEL: Don't *do* that, Radar! > "Thanks, General..." > The general cut in, "Rob. Call me Rob." CROW: But your name's Dave. > "Okay, thanks, Rob. > Oh, and my name is Freddy, but you can call me FX." > "FX?" Rob looked puzzled. TOM: No, FX. > "It's an old nickname. See ya!" He and Liz left the shuttle. > "Let's get to the base.", Freddy said to Liz, "Then we can meet the > rest of the squad." They headed off toward the base. CROW: And they immediately get lost. > When they got there, they were greeted by various black, white > and brown ferrets JOEL: And one very confused wombat. > with their tails covered by cloth bands of a few > different colors. TOM: Not to mention the radio collars to track their migration patterns. > When you wear a band on your tail, the color shows > what job you have. JOEL: So all you kids at home, put some ribbons on your tails...now! > The more jobs, the more colored bands. The number > of colored stripes showed the ferret's experience. CROW: Somehow, Freddy manages to have a negative number of colored stripes on his tail. > They are mostly > worn to look formal. Freddy had red, yellow, and blue bands that meant > he had been an engineer, a scientist, then a comm officer. TOM: Supplementary exposition provided by Stephen Ratliff. > They were introduced to the members of the squad. JOEL: Scooby, Shaggy, Freddy and Daphne, Velma, and the tough but caring sargeant, played by William Bendix. > Out of all > of them, Freddy was most intrigued by Roger Rockner, CROW: ...and the American Eagles Squadron! > code-named > "Rox." He was a scientist who, like Freddy, had strange powers > given to him by the meteorite that had recently landed. TOM: [ Giggling ] Lot of magic meteorites show up on Sonic fanfics. > While > experimenting with a piece of the rock that some other scientist > had picked up for him, he accidentally triggered a small explosion CROW: That killed him instantly. > that gave him the ability to shape-shift. JOEL: With concentration, he can transform himself into a toaster oven. > Freddy knew this was > going to be one heck of a good squad against Phero. TOM: Maybe, but I'd still organize a second squad, sometime. CROW: Two days later, the planet was destroyed. JOEL: Oop, time for cookies, everybody. [ ALL file out of theater ] [ BREAK ] ===============