[ SOL ] CROW: Maybe it's me, Joel, but I just can't get that excited about reading yet another fanfic in which yet another young and blandly genial protagonist gains superpowers. TOM: It just seems to happen all the time. JOEL: There's good reason we keep seeing it, guys. The idea of sudden transformation into a more powerful being is an archetype. TOM: Archy-what? CROW: Whatchoo talking about, Robinson? JOEL: Archetypes are story ideas that are are so universal, and so important, that they become popular components for building a story. Consider the sudden-superhero plot we see. This can symbolize a person's adolescence, the sudden change from a child to an adult. CROW: Sounds like a nice way of saying it's a cliche. Why does the guy have to turn into something super-powerful, anyway? TOM: Yeah. It'd be a lot neater if, one of these times, instead of transforming into some superpowered guy, he instead gained a light coat of confectioner's sugar. CROW: Right! Or if he suddenly gained the ability to make both sides of the aluminum foil shiny, at will! JOEL: Those don't really reflect the sudden growth of abilities and responsibilities reflected by adulthood, which is what makes superpowers so appealing in a transformation. CROW: What, adults never gain abilities that, while neat, aren't really useful? TOM: As soon as somebody hits puberty, they're no longer surrounded by great and powerful forces irreconcilable to their own wishes? CROW: Like you, Joel. For all the good becoming an adult did *you*, you might as well have the ability to make used toothbrushes become firm and new again. JOEL: You'd be surprised how often that'd be useful. TOM: Joel Robinson: Able to tell at a glance whether a given roll of film is exposed or not! CROW: Exposed to a dose of an experimental biochemical compound, forensic pathologist Joel Robinson finds that he looks human... he acts human...but he's quite skilled at making flatulence noises by squeezing his hands together. Joel Robinson is "Joelcy"! TOM: Coming this fall to CBS. JOEL: All right, all right, you guys. You see, though, even though you're not trying to, you're building up stories using a classic archetype. CROW: Heeeey! TOM: Wow! JOEL: And that's my point. TOM: That it's impossible to write stories that aren't at heart cliches? CROW: That any idea you have can be reduced to something stupid and that's been seen before? TOM: And therefore that fiction is inherently content-free? JOEL: [ After several beats ] Um...I guess. [ MOVIE SIGN ] CROW, TOM: Aaaaah! Movie sign! [ They run off stage ] JOEL: Whatever. [ Shuffles off stage ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL settle in ] > > -------------------------------------- > 7 Months Later > -------------------------------------- > > The war was being won. But not by Ferretara. JOEL: Maybe they should've tried fighting back. > To the FDAF's > horror, they found themselves up against an army TOM: The one thing they hadn't planned on fighting. > of robotic ferrets > calling themselves "Mechrets." There was one larger, more powerful > Mechret. CROW: The legendary fighter, Voltron. > One that called itself "ProtoStar." JOEL: But its friends could call it "Larry." > The Pheorians revealed > their intentions during an intense battle. TOM: Actually, I think the first battle kind of signalled their intentions. > It had turned out that > Phero had been flooded with radiation and they needed a new place to > perform their "experiments." JOEL: They brought their "SCIS kits" and their "SRA Labs." > It was their experiments that flooded > their world with radiation. CROW: Whoops! > They were only able to survive within > hidden shelters on the planet's surface. TOM: Oh, and by humming a lot. Somehow, it helps. Who knew? > They didn't have much trouble > digging up the materials for the Mechrets. Their planet was full of > useful minerals. JOEL: And it had a sweet, chewey center! > The only way that Pheorians could be recognized as > non-Ferretarran was their fur color. CROW: Plus how they're evil and all. > The radiation caused a defect > in their genetic structure making their fur purple. All Pheorians > were purple. TOM: So, the plot is, peaceful planet is invaded by evil purple robotic ferrets from space. JOEL: To think we said these fanfics get goofy sometimes. > They just couldn't fix the genetic mutation and had to > live with it. TOM: So there! CROW: That'll teach them to destroy their planet! They're purple now, and purple they shall be! > Many lives had been lost to the Mechrets. JOEL: Many more were lost to a gambling vacation in Atlantic City. > Many battles were won > by the Mechrets. FX managed to create some powerful weapons, but the > FDAF needed help. TOM: And tech support, as always, put them on hold until the next cease-fire agreement. > One day, while talking to Rox about the new weaponry, CROW: "Our new weapon makes ping, whooooosh, and crackle noises when you fire it, and shoots out this cool green beam." JOEL: "Great! We'll take a thousand!" > Liz began > to wonder where FX was. "Computer." she spoke. TOM: Then she remembered this wasn't a Star Trek fanfic. > "Locate FX Ferret." The > computer beeped and hummed for a moment, then stopped. CROW: Turns out the computer forgot the words. > , The computer said, in a somewhat > emotionless tone of voice. JOEL: Hangar 17...Hangar 18...Hangar 19... > After taking a HyperPortal to the hangar area, Liz hopped into a > TransPod and punched in "H. 16". TOM: Which turned out to be the secret code for 'rematerialize this person as a giant Chapstick.' > > She found Freddy in the hangar, working on the Pulse Drive JOEL: BUMP-bump. BUMP-bump. BUMP-bump. > of a > colossal Space Fighter. "Holy cow....is THAT what you've been working > on for the past month?" she gasped. CROW: [ Way too enthusiastic ] "I never thought it'd be so squishy!" > "Yeah. I'm surprised Rockner didn't tell you about this thing. > I'm planning to go on a trip once the _Vortex_ is finished." JOEL: I hear Paris is lovely this time of the war. > He told > her. > "Is that its name?" > "Yes." TOM: I mean no! Or...maybe! I mean...can I try again? > "Is it any better than any other ship?" She mused. CROW: Well, it's pretty. > "It's faster, stronger, bigger, and smarter." he replied. JOEL: But it's only three feet long, so we can't use it much. > "Smarter? How is it smarter? Does it have a brain or something?" TOM: It outscored us on the SATs by 150 points. > Freddy thought for a minute. "Sort of. It has separate computer > "brains" for each task. JOEL: One for opening a door. One for closing a door. > One for navigating, so I can kick back and > relax while it alters course to avoid asteroids and supernovas, CROW: In case the ship is in flight for 270 billion years to build up a fifty percent chance of encountering either. > then > there's the battle computer, TOM: Which just makes the coolest version of 'Risk' ever. > that decides when to fire, when to dodge, > and that stuff. CROW: You know. *Battle* stuff. > Then, last but not least, there's a standard > problem-solving computer that even can be friendly. JOEL: If you bribe it. > It can also > answer questions or repair the insides of the ship after a battle. CROW: And it's thoughtful enough to organize surprise birthday parties for its coworkers. > They're all linked up at a few points in the ship. JOEL: Where it's really ticklish. > I call it CPSI, > for Computerized Problem-Solving Intelligence. Or just Arti', for > artificial intelligence." TOM: Or Peggie, for 'Margaret.' > "Why more than one brain?" Asked Liz. > "That way, more tasks can be accomplished in a short amount of > time." He replied. CROW: Like juggling *and* gum-chewing. > "Ah. So where are you going?" she asked. JOEL: I was thinking of visiting Louisville. > "Well, I've decided that we could use some help in this war." > "That we do." TOM: Maybe if they held a second day of Army registration? > "So, I've been listening to communications from various planets > and have found CROW: They *all* call us 'friendless loser ferret planet.' > one that might be willing to help. It's called > 'Mobius'." He handed her a printout about the planet. JOEL: Kind of a small, thin, papery world, don't you think? > "Look at this! This planet is also at war! How could they waste > time to help us?" She snapped. > "Read it carefully. CROW: They're at war with *us*! TOM: Don't read *that* part carefully! > These Freedom Fighters', as they call > themselves, seem to be winning a little. JOEL: Their strategy is to choose real loser enemies. > We can help them fight > and they can help us fight. TOM: So each of us can waste our experience and limited resources battling unfamiliar enemies on far-off planets for no direct reward? > They're almost as advanced as we are! > Plus, they have a problem with robots, too." CROW: They're jealous of the robots. TOM: Yeah. JOEL: That's not quite it, I don't think. > "I guess you're right. Can I come along, then?" She asked. CROW: Seeing as how we don't have anything better to do. > "I don't see why not. I'll be leaving tomorrow at 14:30." JOEL: Test flights are for those Air Force wimps! > "Gotcha. See you there!", she said, walking off toward her > quarters. TOM: Actually, dimes. The war's costing them more than they expected and they had to cut the budget somewhere. > FX worked half the night, finishing his work on the > _Vortex_. CROW: Maybe if I add some more blinking lights...nah. > > ----------------------------------- > 13:30, The Next Day > ----------------------------------- > > "Rise and shine, sleepyhead!" TOM: [ As though suddenly waking ] "I wasn't having dirty thoughts about Speed Buggy!" > Freddy leapt up in surprise. He had been working so late, that, > while putting his tools away, he just collapsed. CROW: Now he understood why a tire iron was impaled on his forehead. > The next thing he > saw was Liz screaming into his face, JOEL: She's such a warm, kindhearted friend. > which to some people is an > unpleasant way to wake up. > "Ack! I'm up, I'm up!!!" He shrieked. TOM: Don't hit me! > "Geez, there's no need to be loud. CROW: You can just be obnoxious instead. > I just came in here and > found you snoozing away in front of your tool compartment. TOM: You were cuddling your air compressor. I think we need a talk. > The > launch is in an hour, you know." JOEL: You'd think somebody would have been by, to kind of check the ship before this. > "It is?" FX checked his watch. CROW: "It's only half past a freckle!" TOM: Your watch is on your other arm. CROW: Oh. > "I'd better get the thrust > boosters warmed up pretty soon. JOEL: Also I need to look up more space words. > Say, could you call up Rockner for > me? I need to tell him something." CROW: I think we're drifting apart. We need to chat. > "Sure thing.", she replied, "Computer, Locate Rox Rockner." TOM: He's in Lompoc, fighting renowned bad guy Noodles Romanov and his band of nogoods. JOEL: If you can hang on a minute, he's about to take his Proton Energy Pill. > on gamma shift.> CROW: He's going to get just irradiated enough to become the Incredible Hulk now. > She went off toward the TransPod and keyed in the proper controls. TOM: Now she accidentally intercepts Gary Seven's transport. Everything's just going wrong today. > After a few minutes, a TransPod came down and Rox and Liz stepped > out. JOEL: "Hey, either of you two seen that weirdo Andrew Harlan hanging out here?" > "You wanted to see me?" Rox asked. CROW: Um...yeah, look, Rox, I know you've thought about seeing other people and I just wanted to tell you I understood...I approve, really. Honest. It's for the best. > "Yeah, Rox. I've recently been > fixing HyperPortal 32-C. It's not finished yet, so while I'm gone, I'd > like you to try and finish it up." Freddy said. > "Got it. JOEL: Wait, you're leaving? CROW: Wait, what's a HyperPortal? TOM: Wait, what's 'fixing' mean? > Launch is in a half hour, by the way. CROW: [ As Freddy ] Okay, Rox. Bye. TOM: [ As Rox ] Hold on, I want another line before I disappear from the story. > I'd say that it's > time to start charging the ion boosters, FX." Rockner told Freddy. JOEL: Since ion boosters are the least efficient way of launching a spacecraft from the surface of a planet and all. > > ----------------------------------- > Deep Space, 15 minutes after launch > ------------------------------------ > "We've cleared Ferretaran orbit. TOM: Yay! CROW: Finally! > Maintaining course.", reported > Liz. "That's good.", Freddy replied, "We should reach This Mobius' > planet in a day or two." TOM: Boy, you really see how Rox's shapeshifting powers came in handy, in this story, huh? > > WARNING! WARNING! ENEMY VESSELS APPROACHING!> boomed a mechanical voice. CROW: Artoo! What will we do? > "The battle computer has been activated!" Freddy yelped. JOEL: Now it's crying like a baby! > "This means trouble!" Liz checked her viewscreen. TOM: Oh, she's just looking at the screensaver. It's the one with the pouncing kittens. > "Looks like a > Pheorian patrol," Liz said. > "Wanna kick their tail or just run?" CROW: Want mommy! > Freddy stopped to think. > "I have an idea,' he told her. "How about I turn off manual control JOEL: Since we don't have any guys named 'Manual' here anyway. > and let the battle computer take care of em? It'll be one heck of > a firework show.' TOM: "Especially once the Pheorians detonate our fuel tanks!" > "Sure", Liz replied, "Let's see what Arti can do." > The three ships approached the _Vortex_. They were a purple > color, JOEL: Purple: Your key to quality evil. > shaped like eggs with pointy noses and wings. They also had > tail wings, for flying in a planetary atmosphere. CROW: But even these did not help them deal with their emotional failures. > The dark, > terrible-looking spaceships moved slowly, and stopped in front of > the _Vortex_. TOM: Screeeeeeeeech! CROW: Bam! JOEL: Bonk! > As soon as the Pheorian vessels stopped, they started moving > again, and fast, too. CROW: No, put it in first gear! JOEL: Wait, press the clutch first! TOM: You've never driven a stick before, have you? > They surrounded the _Vortex_ and unleashed a > barrage of ProtoLasers and nucleonic torpedoes that barely scratched > the surface of the _Vortex_. CROW: 'Cause they were just special effects. > "Now I can tell why it took you a month to build this." Liz > said in amazement. TOM: A whole month for a brand new spaceship? > "Oh, by the way," Freddy began, "this thing has the latest > in Rockner's weapons. CROW: See, this is the part that dispenses Proton Energy Pills. JOEL: And that's the part that makes only the dialogue get animated. > Check out the Proton bombs." With that, the > battle computer began letting out a spectacular display of ProtoLasers > and Proton bombs. TOM: And then Freddy remembered they should have put tubes for the bombs and lasers to shoot out of, instead of just dropping them off in the middle of the bridge > The Proton bombs were small spheres crammed with > amazingly powerful explosives. CROW: And a fantastic antipasto! > After destroying two of the three ships, Freddy and Liz watched > as the third one retreated back to Phero. JOEL: Hey, wait...so, so far this trip, Freddy and Liz didn't have to do anything. TOM: So far this fanfic, they could've done their parts entirely over the phone. > They soon were back on > course for Mobius. JOEL: Or Louisville. They're going to decide when they hit the Interstate. > It only took about a day and a half to get > there, thanks to the incredible speeds that the _Vortex_ was able > to travel at. CROW: Over two plot points a minute! > After landing, they put together a few supplies and disembarked. TOM: Canned beef, canned ham, canned peas, canned carrots, canned peaches, canned corn... JOEL: Can opener? TOM: D'oh! > Before landing, Freddy grabbed some canteens of water and a ProtoLaser > rifle. After all, they didn't have a clue what they might run into. CROW: So they'll be able to either blast it out of existence, or throw a water balloon at it. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > ---------------------------------------------- > Mobius Timeline: 2 weeks before Doomsday. (Between 3234 and 3235) TOM: Lies Obsession. > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > ----------------------------------------------- > > Tails couldn't believe his eyes. CROW: I had no idea it'd be so spongey! JOEL: Crow, don't make this any harder than it has to be. > It was his shift to watch the > forest from the lookout tower, and, for once, he saw something > downright _strange_. TOM: Dogs playing poker? What *is* this madness? > He was sitting there, in the watchtower, when this strange ship > flies down and lands in a clearing. CROW: Then he looked up what the manual said about actually seeing something from the lookout post. > He saw two figures get out, but > couldn't see what they looked like from his distance. TOM: It's like...a seven...and the square root of five...strange. > "I better tell Aunt Sally!" he decided. CROW: Or uncle Dave! JOEL: Or crazy nephew Phil! TOM: Or stupid Pete down at the office! > He ran back to Knothole > and went over to Sally's hut. JOEL: Sally's Hut. You got questions, we got Sallies. > He didn't want to look panicky, no > matter what. He thought that if he didn't stay calm at all times, he > couldn't become a fully-fledged Freedom Fighter. CROW: Worse, he wouldn't get spun off into his own video game. > He politely knocked > on the door. After a minute, the door opened. Sally looked at Tails. JOEL: Sorry, young man, we already have a set of encyclopedias. > "Oh, hi, Tails. Come on in." Tails stepped inside the small but > efficient hut. TOM: It knew all of Martha Stewart's tips to get more things done at once. > "Say," Sally began as she closed her door, "Shouldn't > you be in the lookout tower?" she asked. CROW: You know, doing something useful? > Tails tried to stay calm, but couldn't. TOM: "We won the Cleaning Publisher's Family sweeps...I mean the American Publisher's Clearing...I mean..I mean we WON twelve million...I mean..." > "I-I-I saw this-this > sh-ship and i-it landed in th-the f-f-forest and these weird people > came and-and-and..." he slowed down. JOEL: They're fraternity Borg. They assimilated all our beer. > "And what, Tails?" Sally asked. CROW: Yeah! And bodies and teeth and ears too! > Tails stammered out his answer, "And they're headed towards > Knothole!" > "Towards Knothole?" TOM: No, towards Knothole. > Sally asked. "Y-y-yeah." he said. > "This may be trouble. CROW: In that they're just unknown intruders who've landed a spaceship practically on top of their secret hideout, a sign that anyone not as stupid as Sonic the Hedgehog's villains are would use as a target range for the carpet bombing. > I'll get Sonic." She said. JOEL: Then I'll noogie him. It'll be fun. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > Freddy and Liz hiked through the forest, unaware of the blue > figure that was silently following them. CROW: [ As Liz, whispering ] That's an awfully big Smurf over there... JOEL: [ As FX, whispering ] Don't notice him...he'll run off... > "So where is this > Knothole' place?" Liz asked. > "Somewhere in this forest from what I heard." TOM: Which narrows it down to two-thirds of the entire land mass of the planet. > Freddy replied. > "Just in case we meet any Freedom Fighters, I have this device that CROW: Will blow them up on contact. > reads brain wave patterns and can make out what they say and speak > it back to us in Ferretaran language JOEL: Like Ferret French, or Ferret Russian, or even Ferret Perl. > and makes our words understandable > to Mobians." TOM: It reduces the number of syllables each word has. > "So then what if we lose it and have to talk to the Mobians?" > Liz asked. CROW: We'll depend on *their* magic translator devices. > "No prob," Freddy said, "There is another device that attaches > on to this that can fit on your head. TOM: Then you look goofy, and they won't try to talk to you. > You wear it while you sleep, > and it inserts' the chosen language into your head. JOEL: Oh, also it gives you waking nightmares about your soul being torn open and left to dessicate on the hot desert sands, forever alone. It's a little bug. > That way you don't > need it and can still speak Ferretaran." TOM: Since it does involve a mental link with other and unknown species, we don't have to test it or anything. > "What if it doesn't know the whole language?" Liz asked Freddy. CROW: And what if you start talking to the Mobians' pet goldfish first? Do you learn how to speak goldfish? JOEL: Now *that* would be a fun superpower. CROW: Yeah, it would. > Freddy answered, "All you must do is talk to one Mobian and it > scans the part of your mind where the ability to speak a language is > kept. TOM: [ As Freddy ] Are you buying this? > It can also teach you how to read and write." Liz was impressed. CROW: He is going to get in so much trouble with the teachers' union when he gets back home. > "Wow, you thought of everything!" she said happily. JOEL: Subcontracting out to Edmund Hamilton was the best idea they ever had. > Freddy was about to reply, but he stopped. He whispered to Liz: > "I think we're being tailed," he said, "but I have an idea." TOM: And he starts running in circles, chasing it... > "An idea?" she asked. > "Just trust me." He told her. > Getting out a canteen of water, Freddy took a quick swig. CROW: That'll show *them*. > He > began to glow lightly. The yellow streaks appeared around his eyes > and he began to float into the air. TOM: And finally he uses his superpowers to *do* something! > He flew up at least a hundred > feet, then looked down. Sure enough, there was a strange blue thing > hiding behind a bush near Liz. JOEL: Sure enough. TOM: Yup. CROW: Got *that* straightened out. > Quietly floating down behind the blue > figure, CROW: Who apparently was really concentrating on watching Liz and never knew Freddy existed. > he charged his fireball powers and brought up four walls of > flames around the blue thing, scaring it out of its wits. JOEL: Ah, another peaceful first contact. TOM: You know, if Don Knotts was a superhero, he'd be Freddy. CROW: Yeah... > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > ---------------------------------------------- > > Sonic, for once, panicked. CROW: "My term paper is due at ten in the morning and I haven't even *looked* at the reading material!" > What could he do? He was trapped. > The ferret with the yellowish eyes glared at him. TOM: The one thing Sonic can't fight: people being impolite. > The other one had > some sort of laser rifle trained on him. JOEL: Sit! Stay! Vaporize! > "Who are you?" the glowing ferret with yellow eyes asked. > "What's it to you, weasel boy?" Sonic retorted. > Freddy responded quickly. "We mean you no harm, unless, of > course, TOM: We blow you up first. > if you are a robot. My name is FX, and this is Elizabeth." CROW: We're a pair of wandering subplots, looking for a larger narrative to highlight. > He motioned toward Liz. "Liz, toss me that hand-held scanner, will > you please?" TOM: You want the magic mind-and-language reader one, or the one we forgot about when we suspected we were being followed? > Liz did so. After doing a quick scan, Freddy concluded > that this was not a robot. JOEL: Liz couldn't do the scan herself 'cause she's a girl. > "Well then, who are you? Seeing as you're not a robot, you must > be a freedom fighter." Freddy asked. TOM: Or he could be a state legislator. Never know. > "The name is Sonic, the fastest thing on Mobius, CROW: And if you *watched* the show you'd know that. > F-whatever. > What do you want?" Sonic asked, angrily. JOEL: I'm just in search of love, man. Give me a break. > "We have come to aid you in your war, in exchange for your aid > in ours." Freddy told him. "We are looking for a place called > Knothole'. CROW: They're not making themselves look really well-informed going into this alliance. > Do you know where it is?" > "Maybe, maybe not. TOM: I'm easily confused. > I'll only talk to you if you put out these > flames." CROW: Sonic's not hard to blackmail, relatively speaking. > Freddy thought for a minute, then cut the flames. "Okay. Now, > we need to speak to the leader of the Knothole Freedom Fighters. JOEL: Tommy Lasorda, ladies and gentlemen. > Princess Sally, is it?" TOM: No, Princess Sally. > Sonic thought for a minute. "I'll be right back." After saying > this, he blasted off toward a clearing. JOEL: So Sonic was never not able to escape from these two. > Freddy had to hold Liz's > hand CROW: Now's not a good time to cuddle, sweetie. > and fly in the opposite direction that Sonic had went to avoid > being blown toward the clearing. TOM: In the direction towards Knothole, where they wanted to go? > After a few minutes, Sonic returned, carrying a squirrel in his > arms. When he stopped, he immediately set her down. JOEL: Aw, she's cute! CROW: C'mon, give her a walnut. TOM: Aw, they're adorable. > "Hello," the squirrel said, "I'm Sally. Who are you? Are the > two who just landed here in that craft?" CROW: Actually, we're your insurance representatives. > Freddy knew that this must be the Princess. TOM: Because sending their leader to meet unknown and potentially dangerous creatures on the basis of a physical threat and a two minute interview is something every responsible military does. > "Yes, we are. This > is Elizabeth, and I am Freddy, or FX. JOEL: We come in peace. Let me set your water on fire. > We came here to help you in > your war in exchange for your help in our war." CROW: Or, we could offer you a lovely gift certificate. > Sally had to think about this. Were these people on the level? > Or were they robot spies? How could she know? TOM: They could all do a musical number! > Of course! That's how > she could figure out if they were telling the truth! CROW: Oh yeah! JOEL: It was obvious all the time. CROW: Glad we got that settled. > She quickly > pulled out her portable supercomputer, Nicole. "This is my computer, > Nicole. TOM: "No, I'm named Freddy." > I would like to scan you, to be sure that you are not of this > planet. May I?" CROW: Or should we just wait for your alien viruses and bacteria to infect and overwhelm our undefended ecosystem, reducing our entire world to an unlivable pit in three weeks? > "What do you think, Liz?" Freddy asked. > "By all means." she replied. CROW: Thanks. Our scan's kind of primitive. We have to smash your skull with a rock first and then we can check you out. > Sally flipped open Nicole. "Nicole," she spoke, "Scanning mode, > please." JOEL: You'd think she'd remember she had her supercomputer with her. > for scan.> > Sally entered the precise coordinates of Freddy and Liz, TOM: 'Leftish.' > and > began the scan. Nicole hummed softly CROW, TOM: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... JOEL: Hum hum hum hum hummmmm... > and emitted a glowing beam > towards the two ferrets. Subjects: 2 ferrets, 1 > male, 1 female. CROW: [ As Sally, confused ] Four ferrets? What the... > Both have slightly different cells and body > structures than regular Mobian ferrets. JOEL: Data suggests they are the new, improved Deluxe Mobian ferrets, with built-in cup holders and an unusual fondness for cheddar. > The male's cells are charged > with an unknown kind of energy. TOM: Possibly "Jolt." > Conclusion: Subjects have either > been genetic test subjects, or are not Mobian in origin.> CROW: Footnote: You have 347 unsolicited commercial emails offering to sell you software to send out unsolicited commercial emails offering to sell people unsolicited commercial emailing software. > "Hmm." Sally spoke. "I guess you're telling the truth, JOEL: Since one fact holds up your entire story must be considered verified. > but we > want to know about this planet of yours before we show you where > Knothole is." TOM: Do they have wiffle ball there? > Freddy briefly relayed the story of the war, his powers, the > Mechrets, and ProtoStar, CROW: [ As Sally ] "So, *nobody* wanted to talk to *anybody* on your planet for two months and you didn't think that peculiar?" > with Liz adding details every now and then. JOEL: [ As Liz ] "I like gum." > "Alright," Sally said, "We'll show you the way to Knothole. CROW: You notice those big signs that read 'Knothole This Way?' > But just in case you try anything, we have guards posted all over. TOM: Somehow, I think their experience with Sonic may have made Freddy and Liz less fearful of Knothole's defense perimeter. > Follow me." She said pointing to a slightly visible path on the ground. JOEL: Oh, the obvious way of finding the village? TOM: We gotta go, guys. CROW: Works for me. [ ALL file out ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. JOEL is alone ] JOEL: Guys? Crow? Servo? Gypsy? Anyone? MAGIC: I'm here, Joel. That is, to the same extend that I'm anywhere. JOEL: Thank you, Magic Voice. Uh...have you seen where anyone else is? MAGIC: I think they're coming this way. JOEL: Wonderful! Am I going to have to have a talk with them? MAGIC: Probaby. [ TOM and CROW come running from stage right running, stop, look at the camera, scream in panic, and continue running off stage left. ] JOEL: What the... [ GYPSY, wearing a pirate mask over her eye and with a 'holster' and laser pistol strapped to her tube, comes from stage right, howls a 'battle cry' and runs off stage left. ] MAGIC: I think it's related to the story today. JOEL: Yeah, yeah, knowing those three it would be. [ TOM and CROW come from stage left, stop, look at camera, yell in panic, and continue running off stage right. ] MAGIC: I think they somehow got in a fight with Gypsy. [ GYPSY runs in from stage left, stops, howls a battle cry, and continues running, to stage right. ] JOEL: Yeah; I think it has something to do with Gypsy being mainly purple, just like the evil robotic ferrets from space in the story today. MAGIC: Oh, the robots are purple too? JOEL: I thought so. MAGIC: I know the evil ferrets were purple, but did they say anything about the robots? JOEL: You know, I'm just not sure. MAGIC: In any case, so Tom and Crow thought she'd be a good stand-in for the bad guys in a little attempted playlet? [ TOM and CROW, from stage right, run in, stop, scream in terror, and continue on. ] JOEL: Looks like. [ GYPSY comes in, stops, screams a battle cry, and runs to stage left. ] MAGIC: And they probably didn't think about Gypsy's feelings about being cast as an embodiment of evil. JOEL: Not a thought at all. They really should know better by now. MAGIC: Definitely. [ TOM and CROW run in from stage left, stop, and are about to scream in terror when GYPSY comes running in from stage right. They run into each other and all fall down. ] MAGIC: [ After a beat ] Do you think they've learned their lesson? JOEL: These three? No. MAGIC: A shame. Commercial sign in five seconds, Joel. JOEL: Thanks, Magic Voice. Nice talking with you again. MAGIC: Commercial sign now. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ] Always here for you. JOEL: [ Nodding ] As much as you're anywhere, at least. [ Tapping COMMERCIAL SIGN ] We'll be right back. MAGIC: Right. [ BREAK ] =========