[ ALL settle into theater ] > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > ------------------------------------------ JOEL: That's the hardest "Wheel of Fortune" bonus round ever. > Knothole > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > ------------------------------------------- > > Freddy was somewhat surprised when he saw the village. CROW: He had no *idea* they were organizing a birthday party for him! > Rather > than high-tech scanning and defensive machines all over, he saw TOM: Pizza shops and neat collectible stores. > nothing but a large group of medium-sized huts. He noticed that > a few had computers in them JOEL: Running highly sophisticated versions of "Civilization" on them. > and one, which seemed to partially > seemed to fit his original idea of the place, which belonged to > somebody named "Rotor". TOM: He was a young helicopter, and proud. > "You know, if you want to help us, CROW: You might try doing something. > I suggest you come to one > of our meetings when we organize another raid on Robotropolis." TOM: You'll get your share of their panties, I promise. > Sally said to Freddy and Liz. "Oh yeah, and, uh, don't take this as > an insult, CROW: But I want to say something insulting. > but what kind of a name is FX?" JOEL: Oh, and don't take this as an insult either, but you're ugly. > "It's my codename." Freddy replied. "My real name is Fred, TOM: Freddy doesn't seem to have mastered the idea of a code name. > but > I kinda like to be called Freddy at times. I mainly go by FX'." CROW: But mostly people call me Freddy. > "Okay." Sally replied. "But I need to do something. Come into > this hut, please." TOM: Now go out again, please, hop in place, and do the "Hokey-pokey." > She said, opening the door to one of the > computer-filled huts. When inside, she asked them, JOEL: "Don't you kind of miss Commodore 64s sometime?" > "Would it bother > you two if I ran a special lie-detector test on you?" CROW: Somebody stole the batteries from my TV remote the other day and while we're pretty sure it wasn't you, we want to check everybody. > "Fine by me. Okay with you, Liz?" Freddy said. > "I guess." She replied, sighing. JOEL: You act like we haven't known each other for almost ten minutes already! Where's the *trust*? > They were hooked up to a strange machine which they were told > was a lie detector. After they both gave their reasons for coming CROW: "Well, being zapped by evil purple robotic ferrets from space is just a *total* bummer." > and > all that stuff, they were told by Sally that they checked out okay JOEL: But they did have a tapeworm problem. > and > she was as convinced as ever that they had a good reason to come. But, > for some reason, Sonic remained silent. TOM: The person doing his voice-overs was out getting a snack and he had to pantomime until the guy came back. > Sally, noticing this, said to > Sonic, "You know, Sonic, he hasn't really done anything to hurt us CROW: That whole flaming wall of death he sent at you was a way of saying "howdy." > and > so far his story checks out. JOEL: And it's not worth careful study to determine whether our lie detector equipment works on completely alien physiologies. > Don't worry, he was just defending himself > with that fire cage." > "Yeah, you're right, Sal, but when someone defends themself > like that, TOM: You mean, successfully? > I can't help being edgy." He replied. > "Well, FX, I guess you and Liz will need a shelter here in > Knothole. CROW: It's been only two weeks since the last time someone from another world was dropped off in our village, so we're on kind of short quarters. > I could get Sonic and a few other villagers get to work > on some new huts right away." Sally told them. JOEL: Jimmy Carter will try to help you out. Let him; it makes him feel a lot better. > "Actually," Freddy began, "We would like to construct our own > shelter, if it doesn't bother you." > "I guess you could. TOM: Should I reserve a spot in the local Kampgrounds of America site? > There's still empty space around here in > Knothole. You can find your own area." CROW: Loose building code. > Sally said. "Oh, and before > you start, JOEL: No building stuff that blows up on us. > remember to come to the center hut for tonight's meeting. TOM: We're holding it three days from now. > It's in two hours." CROW: We're going to elect someone to run the Spring Picnic, so be sure you're there for the candidate speeches. > Freddy flew Liz back to the _Vortex_, JOEL: Which they can't use for shelter because it's too much like home. > where they reprogrammed > some maintenance droids with schematics for their new home, TOM: With the plans for The Simpsons' home. > so that > they'd have their own construction crew. > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > --------------------------------------------- > Almost two hours later, CROW: In a "Due South" fanfic across town. > with the building nearly completed > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > ---------------------------------------------- > > Freddy and Liz found their new home impressive. While it wasn't > very big, it contained two rooms and a computer in each one. TOM: They immediately both got online and chatted to each other via the Internet. JOEL: And who needs bathrooms, anyway? > The > outside was coated with a special lubricant that would block all > radar or scanning waves that it came in contact with. CROW: Which means the bombs dropping on the hut ten feet over won't do them the slightest bit of harm! > It wasn't > totally finished, though, because the roof needed to be tested for > weaknesses. TOM: Also, cable TV would not be installed for two weeks. CROW: They'll miss the most critical reruns of "One Day at a Time" and "Alice." But those are the fortunes of war. > While supervising the construction, Freddy heard a meek voice > behind him. "Um, are you FX?" TOM: No, I'm FX. > Freddy turned around and saw a young > fox with -- he couldn't believe his eyes -- TWO tails. CROW: And more than seven noses! > "Uh, yes...who're you?" He asked. > "My name is Miles. But everyone calls me Tails. JOEL: Because, as you can see, I have two Miles. > Sally asked me > to tell you that it's about time for the Freedom Fighter meeting." TOM: "Uh...I refused. Hope that's okay." > Tails explained. > Freddy checked his watch. CROW: Hmm...8:15 p.m. in Tokyo...late February in Newfoundland... > "Oh, thanks for reminding me, Miles." > "Call me Tails, please. I don't exactly like the name Miles'." TOM: Even though I keep telling people that's my name. > Freddy looked at him strangely. "You don't like that name? CROW: You some kind of punk or something? I'll have you know Miles Seligman was named Miles, and he was Miles Seligman! JOEL: Who's Miles Seligman? CROW: Indeed, can we ever really know who Miles Seligman was? > From > where I come from, that's the name of a famous scientist. Miles Fenrus. TOM: Beuller? > He discovered pulse drive." JOEL: He died alone and bitter. > "I've never heard of him. Where _are_ you from?" CROW: A place called...Vermont. > Freddy wasn't sure if he should fill Tails in on his origins. > "Well, let's just say far, far away." > "Oh, okay. I gotta go now. TOM: I have other scenes to needlessly slow down! > Bye!" Tails said running off. > "Bye, Miles!" Freddy said, then went to get Liz. > After Freddy found Liz, They both headed for the large hut marked > "War Room". JOEL: Inside they found kids playing elaborate card games, and felt even more nervous about the deal they'd made. > When they got in there, they saw that almost everyone > was there, including Tails. "Wow. I can't believe they're taking > this many people on the raid," Freddy thought. CROW: They're acting like some sort of organized armed force or something! > Once everyone was seated, Sally activated a holo-schematic of > Robotropolis. TOM: [ As Sally ] "Um, Core Intelligence didn't have time to prepare a full chart of this mission, so we're just going to use some graphics left over from 'Star Wars,' so don't take the details too literally." > "This is where we'll attack tonight," Sally said, "In > SWATbot factory 506. JOEL: [ As though taking notes ] Swatbot battery 506. CROW: [ The same ] Swatbat fattery 560. TOM: [ The same ] Batboy gallery 605. > We'll enter through this maintenance tunnel > near the east entrance. Then we'll fry the computers and take out > any functional SWATbots. Any questions?" CROW: "If we go to the bathroom do we have to wash our hands before returning to the counter-revolution?" TOM: "How do you find a tangent line to a parabola that passes through a given point not on the parabola?" > Not a word came from the > group. "Last but not least, JOEL: Remember we have the charity garage sale next weekend; please bring any toys or clothes or books that are in good condition and let's make this better than last year's, okay? > we are welcoming two new members to the > team, Elizabeth Startail and FX Ferret. CROW: And their friend Uukla the Mok. > They have come here from, > well, how do I put this...from another planet." Giggles came from > the crowd. TOM: "What, *more* of them?" > "Please, people. From what I can tell, their story checks > out. Give them a chance, please!" Silence. JOEL: They have proposals for introducing Total Quality Management and just-in-time inventories of snappy comebacks for when the villains try stupid plans against us. > "Believe me, I am not > joking. This will be their first chance to prove themselves. TOM: So we've picked a critical mission with plenty of opportunities for an enemy agent to subvert and betray us. > Now > that it's about time to get going, everyone get the laser rifles, > oh, and Sonic, you might want to take a power ring." CROW: Or maybe just some velamints instead. > Everyone began > to leave. JOEL: Wait...wait, doesn't anyone want to run the counterrevolution with me? > Freddy and Liz went back to the hut and got a ProtoLaser rifle > and a canteen of water. TOM: 'Cause that was all they ever brought anywhere. > After joining up with the rest of the rest > of the group, they went to the outskirts of Robotropolis. CROW: Okay, look for the Anheiser-Busch factory...the turnoff for Newark International is right after that. > As they silently approached the factory, FX noticed something > out of the corner of his eye. It took him only a second to realize > what it was: Robots. TOM: Hooray! CROW: Yay! > "It's a trap! A SWATbot squad is coming!" He yelled. > Since they all knew that retreating would just show the bots > where Knothole was, TOM: They all sat down, put on costumes and pretended to be having a picnic. > they decided to stay and fight. Sally was kicking > some bots when Sonic noticed another bot aiming its laser at her. JOEL: And here we see the traditional Sonic fanfic plot point of The Secret Raid Going Horribly Wrong. > "Sally! Get outta the way!" She couldn't hear him. Running as CROW: Soon to be followed by the traditional Sonic fanfic plot point of The New Guy Saves The Day. > fast as he could (which is pretty dang fast), he ran over to Sally TOM: Maybe we should just take a break or something. > and pushed her out of the way. But not in time to save himself. He JOEL: We really ought to say something about the story. > was hit square in the chest by the SWATbot's laser and was severely TOM: Well, it's got words. > burned. CROW: So. Guys, you know, we ought to get fresh bagels up here. > "Wha--Sonic!" Sally screamed, seeing the blue hedgehog lying TOM: Yeah, they'd be nice. > in a blue heap. "He was really hit hard. We have to get him back JOEL: I'll see what we can come up with. > to Knothole!" CROW: Girlfriend get zapped by the bad guys yet? > As the crowd retreated, the few remaining SWATbots followed JOEL: It'll happen soon enough. > them. One of them fired its laser, hitting Liz in the back. FX was TOM: Story's running on time, at least. > really angry now. That blow at Sonic had ruined the mission, CROW: And put a dent in their plans for a thirty-city concert tour. > but > now that Liz had been hit, it was _personal_. After taking a quick > gulp of water, JOEL: He started to look for the bathroom. > his eyes began to glow quite bright again. Using his > fire powers, he surrounded himself with a sphere of fire TOM: Suffocating himself in seconds. > (A fire > shield, for you gamers out there) CROW: That will be on the quiz; non-gamers won't be graded on it. > and approached the bots. Flaring > up his hand, he punched it right through a bot, screaming, TOM: [ Jumping, as if punched ] Owie! CROW: Serves you right, Tom! TOM: Don't make me come over there, banana-nose. > "This > one's for Sonic!" JOEL: [ Standing up, punching repeatedly ] And this one's for 'X-Files!' And this one's for 'Star Wars!' And this one's for 'Battlestar Galactica!' And this one's for 'Sliders!' And this one's for 'Star Trek!' And this one's for 'Next Generation!' And this one's for 'Deep Space Nine!' And... TOM: Joel? CROW: Joel? Calm down, buddy. JOEL: Oh... [ sitting down ] Sorry, guys. TOM: It gets us all sometimes. > He walked over to another, grabbed it's gun and > blasted off the small point on it's head where it's radio transmitter > was. CROW: And right in the middle of its call to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. > When the SWATbot tried to punch FX, FX grabbed its arm and swung > it around, whacking and destroying the last bots. TOM: Swwwwak! > Then, he released > the bot and it flew toward a brick wall, CROW: Bamf! > smashing into it with a > resounding thud. JOEL: Thok-k-k! > "And that one," he said, torching the remains of the bot, "was > for Liz." After going back and picking up Liz, TOM: He went back and asked for change because he accidentally gave too much for Liz. > he flew back to Knothole. > Back at Knothole, Sonic was starting to regain consciousness. CROW: They'll just have to try again next fanfic. > FX rushed trough Knothole and ran back to the ship, considering > the fact that the people of Knothole might not be able to treat > a Ferretaran with as much accuracy and speed as the Medical Droids > in the ship could. JOEL: So why didn't he just fly to the ship instead? > Liz woke up a few minutes later, and she realized that her > burn had been treated. She also realized that she was in the Vortex's > Medical Facility TOM: And that a well-meaning but malfunctioning droid was about to surgically remove her neck. > from looking a the droids around her. She slowly > got up and left the room. After finding FX in his cabin, reading, > she said, "I truly hope that not all of these missions go like this." CROW: I clearly told the recruiting officer I had a no-dying policy. > FX, who did not notice her come in, replied, "From what > everybody told me, they don't. TOM: Usually a mission will actually require our presence for it to turn out the way it does. > Good to see you're awake." > "Good to be awake." She replied, groggily. JOEL: "It makes practicing my welding hobby that much safer." > "Now can we go back > to Knothole?I don't want to stay in here for much longer, or I'll > think the walls or closing in." CROW: Looking back on it, it wasn't a good idea to build the medical center right in the trash compactor. > "I know what you mean. The humidity in here is giving me a > headache JOEL: And it's so moist any moment I'll have to send huge fireballs reining down upon our neighbors. > and the tiny size of these rooms frighten me even though > I'm not one bit claustrophobic." CROW: Have to say, this is one of the more carefully detailed stories we've seen recently. TOM: Yeah, but what do any of these details *matter*? > They both were about to leave when the ship's comm line beeped. > FX activated the comm system. CROW: It's his replacement at the comm station, asking if anyone *ever* calls. > To his surprise, it was Rox who was > sending the message. > "Roger! Why are you signaling us? JOEL: Does General G.I. Brassbottom need us to help you save the world? > Is something wrong?" > "No, actually, I've got _good_ news. Get this: After you had > left, TOM: We had this *huge* party, and you remember Martha? She said she really likes me! Anyway, we're going steady now and... > the Pheorians thought that everyone was leaving Ferretara CROW: What? > on > you're ship! What idiots! TOM: Okay, but... > A small squad of Mechrets, led by > ProtoStar, came down to Ferretara and were all destroyed!" Rox laughed. JOEL: They can't beat these guys normally, but as soon as FX and Liz leave, they get an easy win over their worst obstacle? > "You mean we're winning? You guys destroyed ProtoStar?" > "Yesiree! CROW: One small squad is all that stood between Ferretara's total destruction and its easy victory? > Now it doesn't really matter how long you stay on > Mobius! Now that we're winning, we don't need the Mobians' help!" TOM: I don't mean to sound cynical, Joel, but it sounds like Freddy and Liz were just sent on this mission to get rid of them. CROW: Yeah, this is a little too convenient a development. > " Well then, I think I'm going to stay here anyway." > "And me too!" Piped in Liz. JOEL: We don't need any connection to our friends and family and all our past lives! > "Okay," Rox said, giggling, "but don't forget to write!" > "We'll keep in touch!" FX and Liz said in unison. > Even though the mission was a failure, CROW: A failure? They got through the entire story without having anything at all depend on them doing anything. > they both managed to > prove themselves to the Freedom Fighters and were congratulated > by Sally. JOEL: Which made all the work they put into it worthwhile. > After the day was over, FX and Liz went back to their > hut and got some rest, wondering what life in Knothole will be like. CROW: Based on past experience, it'll be filled with details and plot points that don't matter in the least more than two sentences after they're introduced. > > End > > TOM: Hooray! JOEL: We made it! [ ALL file out ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. CROW, JOEL, TOM standing behind the desk ] JOEL: Made it through another one. CROW: Yup. TOM: Which just means they'll send us more in the future. CROW: Yup. JOEL: Kind of takes the sense of joy out of it. CROW: Yup. [ COMMUNICATION SIGN starts flashing ] JOEL: Oh, we're getting a communication and it's not from the Mads and it's from outside the ship; Cambot, put it on the Hex Field View Screen. [ HFVS opens; revealing inside of a 50's style cheap SF film spaceship and FX Ferret inside, leaning dangerously far back in a Star Trek style chair, spinning and throwing a pencil up and catching it again. ] JOEL, TOM, CROW: Freddy! FREDDY: [ Still playing with the pencil. ] Yup; you can call me Freddy, or you can call me Fred...if you want, you can call me FX; just don't call me collect or after nine o'clock, eh? JOEL: Um...right. So, Freddy, what've you been up to since your adventures going to Mobius? FREDDY: Oh. You know. Stuff. CROW: [ Under his breath ] I bet his web page has pictures of personally important toothbrushes. FREDDY: [ Points at Crow ] Dude! Good one! [ Turns to look at his computer; pencil drops on him, he fumbles, falls onto floor. ] Whoops! JOEL: Uhm... TOM: Are you okay in there? FREDDY: Yeah, yeah...happens more than you'd think. [ He gets the chair back in place, sits, leaning dangerously far back in it again. ] So what'cha call me up for? CROW: You called us, Fred. FREDDY: Yes, I did. Guys, I got a deal. If you help out with our war against the evil purple robot ferrets from space, we'll help you out with your little war against whoever it is you're fighting. TOM: That's an awfully nice offer, Freddy. CROW: But we're not at war with anybody. JOEL: And you aren't either. FREDDY: Oh! [ Slaps his forehead, falls out of his chair. ] Ow. I'm always forgetting that. JOEL: Uh...would you like...uh...a better chair, maybe? FREDDY: Thanks, man, but I am set. We're really not at war? CROW: No, you guys whipped the Pheorians in straight sets. TOM: You, meaning, your planet once you and Liz left. JOEL: Yeah, hey, where is Liz? FREDDY: Gosh, I dunno...I saw her sometime this week. I think. [ ALARM on FREDDY's ship goes off. ] FREDDY'S MAGIC VOICE: Tachypomp overload. Explosive vehicle failure in ten seconds. JOEL: Yikes! Freddy, you have an escape pod or something? FREDDY: For what? FREDDY'S MAGIC VOICE: Explosive vehicle failure in five seconds. JOEL: For that! FREDDY: Nah; sometimes these things go away by themselves. FREDDY'S MAGIC VOICE: Overload cleared. Vehicle returned to normal. [ ALARM stops. ] FREDDY: Dudes! Sorry, guys. I gotta be going. CROW: To where? FREDDY: Hah! Sharp one, little...what are you, some kind of magic goldfish? Anyway, catch you on the flip side. JOEL: Yeah, we'll see you around, Freddy. [ Hex Field View Screen closes ] TOM: Have to admit, he's not getting too worked up about the little things. CROW: Probably live a long, happy life that way. JOEL: Looks like. [ MADS sign flashes ] JOEL: Well, what do you think, sirs? [ D13. DR. FORRESTER and TV's FRANK (still dressed as Dr. Joyce Brothers) are sitting in chairs arranged like the center on The $10,000 Pyramid (and its siblings). DR. FORRESTER looks to the camera; TV's FRANK does not. Both read their dialogue without paying attention to the other. ] FRANK: Trumpeteer Swan. Ceylon. DR.F: Ah, Joel; you've gotten to the end of another story. [ Gameshow winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Ontario. Elba. Smallpox. DR.F: One of these days, I promise, we'll give you somebody's second Sonic fanfic. [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Tigris. Yellowstone. Transatlantic balloon. DR.F: No one can hold out forever, not against these experiments. [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Skylab. Big Thicket. Plankton. DR.F: And you will come pleading for mercy, I promise you. [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Hawaii. Jupiter. Owls. DR.F: To use the vernacular...I'll get you next time, Gadget. Next time! [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Madiera. Rock art. Bioluminescence. DR.F: Just push the button, Frank. [ One last 'DING' sounds before it is drowned out in game show winning music; "$10,000" flashes on screen and TV'S FRANK jumps up and down, and forces DR. FORRESTER to jump up and down with him. ] FRANK: We win! We win! We win! DR.F: [ Growls ] \ | / \ | / \ | / --- o --- / | \ / | \ / | \ Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyright Best Brains, inc. "Sonic the Hedgehog" and its related characters are trademarks of and Copyright Sega, Archie comics, and DIC. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment and satiric purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc, Sega, Archie Comics, or DIC is intended or should be inferred. "FX Down to Mobius" is Copyright G. T. Ettinger III and is used with permission. Dr. Joyce Brothers is probably copyright the Game Show Network and maybe all of the world's talk shows. This MiSTing is intended solely for personal entertainment and is not meant to be an insult to the creators or fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog products, nor to G. T. Ettinger III or any other person or organization referenced in any way. The other day I was downtown and a person walked by with a boombox that was blasting the Simon and Garfunkel classic "The Sound of Silence." I think that summarizes what it means to live in a city. > "Say," Sally began as she closed her door, "Shouldn't > you be in the lookout tower?" she asked. > Tails tried to stay calm, but couldn't.