MiSTed: "Lost in Cyberspace" Original by Trey Tackett MiSTed by: Alicia Ashby [lynxara@hotmail.com] (editor) Tim McLees [shinji_70@hotmail.com] Håkan Svensson [d95-hsv@nada.kth.se] [Season 9 opening titles. Open on the Satellite of Love, normal view in front of the theater door.] MIKE: [waves at Cambot] Hi, everyone. This is Mike Nelson aboard the Satellite of Love, and these two are Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, my robotic companions. We were just discussing... SERVO: [interrupting] Mike? MIKE: Yes? SERVO: Do you believe we just had a complete loss of memory and forgot our identities? MIKE: [confused] No. CROW: Then why are you doing that? MIKE: Doing what? SERVO: Well, Mike, it seems to me you were explaining -- seemingly to thin air, I might add -- who we are and what we were doing a full *thirty seconds* ago! MIKE: Oh, *that*! [points at Cambot] I was just saying hi! CROW: Saying hi to *whom*, Mike? SERVO: Yeah, Pearl hasn't called on us yet. Don't you think it's a bit odd that you're talking to Cambot when nobody's receiving us? MIKE: Well, I... CROW: And don't you think Mrs. F. would know our names by now? MIKE: Well, she always gets my name wrong. SERVO: I know what it is, Mike. You're posing in front of the camera, aren't you? MIKE: Uh... SERVO: Yes you are, you're thinking you look like Kate Mulgrew in that jumpsuit of yours, pretending you're the star of some sort of TV show or something. Well, it's not gonna happen. CROW: Yeah! You really should give up on those fantasies. They're making you delusional, Mike! SERVO: Do you realize how stupid you look standing there talking for yourself? MIKE: [walking offscreen, sulking] Okay, fine, fine, then. If a man can't have a few innocent dreams for himself, so be it. CROW: [to Servo] Sad case, really. SERVO: Yeah. Hey, we've got Cambot for ourselves now! CROW: Did you bring the mailbag? SERVO: You're the one with a semi-functional gripping tool, remember? CROW: Oh, yeah. SERVO: [Facing Cambot] Ahem. To all our viewers out there, I apologize for not being able to keep up with all the wonderful response we're getting on our show. We get some lovely fan mail up here, and would love to keep reading it like when Joel was here, but we're afraid it would go to poor Mike's head. Nevertheless, now that we have time... [Yellow light blinks] SERVO: [Leaning closer to Cambot] We'll be right back. [Planet bumper, commercials] [SoL. Mike is walking back on screen, as he notices a postcard on the floor.] MIKE: [reading] Dear Best Brains, I am a viewer from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, and I just wanted to express a simple thanks for all the laughs that Mike, Tom, and Crow have given me over the years... [to himself] What *is* this? CROW: Oh, that. Um, that was just misdelivered. MIKE: Misdelivered? Up here? SERVO: Look, Mike, it says "Dear Best Brains." Do you even know any halfway decent brains around here? MIKE: Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right. [notices the red light blinking] Looks like we've got a transmission from the lurkers in downbelow. [taps the light] [Castle Forrester. The room we see is in a state of total disorder. Heaps of various unidentifiable electronic junk are scattered across the room, making it look like the Cyberdyne Systems lab after Arnold was through with it. Observer is facing the camera while Bobo is picking through the junk.] OBSERVER: Ah, Mike. I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell you. [SoL] MIKE: That's all right, we're getting used to that by now. What is it? [Castle] OBSERVER: Well, as you see, Pearl thought it would be a good idea to hold a spring cleaning here in Castle Forrester. She seemed very determined to get it clean -- she even said it should be clean by tonight or else. It's just that we can't seem to find her anywhere now on the big day! BOBO: [holding up something he found] Hey, what's this? OBSERVER: It's called a wire. It conducts electricity. BOBO: [tossing the wire] Really? What *will* they think of next. OBSERVER: Anyway, Mike, since Pearl doesn't seem to be here, I'm afraid that your bad movie for this week will have to be canceled. [SoL] MIKE: That's okay, Brain guy. We'll try to contain our disappointment. [Castle] OBSERVER: Really? That's... [A loud BOOM is heard, shaking the camera and causing temporary static. When the picture returns, smoke is filling the room.] OBSERVER: What did you do now, you asinine simian? BOBO: My name's not Simian, it's Bobo! Oh, I just turned on this machine here. OBSERVER: [studying the machine] I -- I've never seen anything like this before! It's some sort of transdimensional space-time destabilizer -- a gateway to other dimensions! BOBO: Oh, just that. I thought it was something fancy. [A loud, and strangely familiar, voice starts reverberating through the castle.] VOICE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! At last, contact with another world -- another world to *conquer*! [continues laughing] BOBO: Oh, a TV! Let me watch! [goes in front of the viewscreen of the machine.] VOICE: Aw, poopie, another ape planet! I already have more than enough of those. [Observer drags Bobo away from the viewscreen, revealing the voice to be...] [SoL] ALL: DOCTOR FORRESTER?? MIKE: But... you're dead! [Castle] DR. F: Clayton Forrester, almighty ruler, call me by name. It's nice to know that my name is feared even in other dimensions than my own. BOBO: What a gasbag. [Dr. F presses a button, and a small fire starts in Bobo's fur.] DR. F: Now, let's talk business. My readings tell me that you have a habitable orbital satellite launched, and it just happens that there has been an incident aboard one of mine. You don't have any problems with me transferring my test subjects there for a while? BOBO: [running around] Okk! Ook! Ook! OOOK! OBSERVER: That's right out of the question -- the life support systems on the Satellite of Love are barely enough for the one human we have there already! DR.F: Thank you! I knew you wouldn't mind. I'll make the transfer as soon as possible. OBSERVER: What? But, wait! The oxygen supplies... the water supplies... the stuff and the deal with the thing... this is preposterous! You can't do this! And do something about my flaming monkey! BOBO: [running across screen] AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!! DR. F: I can't? You brain-toting fool, I already *have*. Just take a look up at your precious Satellite of Love! [SOL. Just in front of Mike and between Servo and Crow, who stand at either edge of the bridge, stand a very tall, skinny geeky man, and a short, slightly plump, geeky female recognizable to Mystery Self-Insertion Theater readers as Tim and Alicia.] ALICIA: I swear to God, I'm gonna kill Jamie if he's not dead yet. TIM: I *told* him not to try to microwave eggs in the shell! CROW: Mike, why does that shorter thing that just teleported in have a butt on its chest? MIKE: That's a 'girl', Crow. CROW: ...they looked a lot more interesting in the movies. [Castle Forrester] OBSERVER: Oh, great, just great. *Now* I'm going to have think about tripling the Satellite's resources. I hope you're happy! DR. F: Actually, yeah, I do feel pretty good right now. OBSERVER: [sputters in rage for a few moments] Well... fine! Just fine! But I'm not finding experiments for them, and I'm *not* thinking about fixing our movie sending connection, either! DR.F: Look, I'm evil, not rude. I happen to have a little piece of nightmarish text by the title of "Lost in Cyberspace" that will keep both my boobies and yours busy for weeks to come. Just long enough for me to effect the necessary repairs to the Hell, actually. OBSERVER: Well, I'm not even thinking about sending *that* movie to them. DR. F: It's not a movie. No, no, it's something far more insidious... *fan-fiction* about other *fan-fiction*. OBSERVER: My God, that's... that's... I actually have no idea what you're talking about. DR. F: Oh, you'll see... you'll see. I've already transferred the proper files into your database. Simply reconfigure the theater to display as a text editor, and then you can sit back and watch the pain begin. OBSERVER: Well, anything has to be more amusing than listening to Bobo whining. BOBO: [off-camera] My eyes! My eyes are burning! AUUGGGHH!! [We shortly hear Observer's 'thinking noise', before cutting away to...] [SOL] SERVO: Text? They want us to riff *text*? CROW: Can you even *do* that? TIM: Uh... yeah, yeah you can. MIKE: Really? TIM: Trust me. ALICIA: Yeah, we've done this before. SERVO: So... this is more or less your fault, then? TIM: Um... MIKE: Servo, be nice. CROW: What?! First they shatter my image of the human female as an object of beauty, and then they reduce us to riffing incoherent ASCII characters scrawled out by some loser in his mother's basement! Give me one reason why we should be nice to them! ALICIA: Because we know how to rip your arms off? CROW: ...you do? ALICIA: Want to try me? CROW: Uh... SERVO: Well, then. Text riffing it is! MIKE: Maybe we'll get overtime for this. CROW: We'd better. TIM: You won't. CROW: Look, nobody asked you! SERVO: Just who the hell *are* you people, anyway? MIKE: Guys, we need to quit arguing. We're going to be stuck with each other for a long time, and in about five seconds... [The movie sign lights go off, and the bridge lighting begins to flash.] MIKE: ...we've got... uh... TEXT THING SIIIIIIIGN! [All scurry into the theater, though there's a considerable amount of tripping over each other. Upon entering, Mike, Crow, and Tom take their usual seats, while Tim and Alicia pile into the next two over.] >LOST IN CYBERSPACE MIKE: The tragic tale of Senator Exon. >Chapter 1 >"Lost in Cyberspace" SERVO: The Al Gore saga. ALICIA: *Real* creative title there. TIM: From the 5 part OVA series, "Lost in Cyberspace" CROW: Hey, riffing text is easy! >BY Trey Tackett >*NOTE:This is intended to be a Self-Insertion story, so there. >NYAH! ;) MIKE: "Self-Insertion." I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means. CROW: I thought Ron Jeremy was the only one who could do that... >------- >Saturday >12:00 P.M. Central Standard Time. TIM: High Noon at Thunder Mountain! Starring Terry Hogan *as* Dave Dragon! SERVO: I'm glad now that I know the time to the second. Really helps with the setting of the story. >(Add an hour if you live in the Pacific Time Zone.) MIKE: Add two and a half if it's some other time when you read this. ALICIA: [Trey] And you people living in Eastern and Mountain time zones... SCREW YOU! BURN IN HELL! >St. Louis, Missouri >David Gonterman's home. ALICIA: Cost? No man can say. SERVO: Well, I guess that *is* the distinguishing feature of St. Louis. >David sat down in front of his computer with a can of soda >sitting on top of the stand. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero. OTHERS: [make polite applause] >He logged into the Author Avatar chat room CROW: Umm... David? I'm pretty sure this chat room thing, whatever it is, can do without your logs. SERVO: "Author Avatar?" Must be a lot of fans of Lord British out there. >under his usual nick "Kronos". TIM: Why had he named himself after an evil bio-monster making corporation? MIKE: You know, even though he's the Lord of Time, he still has bad hair days. >He scanned the on-line list and saw that there was only two >other people in the chat room with him. CROW: That would be Snorkon, the Lord of Delayed Trains, and Ronkso, the Lord of Overclocked Processors. TIM: The regulars were sleeping off an all-night Ator fest. It hurt them helluva lot. > Lynxara, one of the AAA's >creator, CROW: So, this "AAA's creator" fellow is some sort of Borg collective? >and someone calling them self "Cyber-V". SERVO: Yeah, and her companion has multiple personality disorder. CROW: I had a Cyber-V put into me once. It was awful. Forced me to make my riffs G-rated. >David chuckled >as he thought of the play on the character name "Sailor V" from >his favorite anime, Sailor Moon. MIKE: That's the senshi with the lizard face, right? ALICIA: David was not only easily amused, he also liked to relate everything humanly possible to 'Sailor Moon'. TIM: Much like 2/3 of anime con attendees. Sad, really. >He took a sip of his soda and started typing. > TIM: [Davey-kins] Ahh... I love Fresca. SERVO: Yup, that's a hero we all can identify with. CROW: Don't you think that as the hero, he should be doing something heroic? >12:02 P.M. CROW: But what time zone? We're missing out on the details, man! >Alicia Ashby's Place MIKE: No special city, but at least we know the time to the second. ALICIA: Crow, I swear, one *word* from you about my place... TIM: It's nothing to be nervous about. Your place is tidy and quite comfortable. ALICIA: ...you're not helping. TIM: I'll shut up now. >Alicia Ashby, known to the net world and her on-line friends as >"Lynxara", TIM: By the furverts, at least. The joys of being online and female, eh? >smiled at the sight of someone else entering the chat room. MIKE: Normally, she would get hours of enjoyment staring at an empty screen. Sad, really. >That >Cyber-V person hadn't said anything the entire time she >had entered the room. SERVO: How long does entering a room take, anyway? >She typed in her usual "Hiya!" to David and >they started chatting. ALICIA: Over a cup of General Foods International Coffees! TIM: [David] What was that waiter's name again? CROW: Say, that "nickname" Kronos sure helped a lot. > >12:02 P.M. MIKE: I think we should make a careful note of the time. Perhaps this is like one of those murder mysteries. TIM: It's *almost* as enthralling as Encyclopedia Brown. >Benton, Kentucky TIM: Here's a Muppet News Flash. ALICIA: How come Dave and Trey get actual geographical locations, and I just have some 'place'? >Trey Tackett's house. CROW: Hey, I remember someone called Trey Tackett from earlier! MIKE: Crow, he's the author. CROW: Ah. Isn't he too young to write his biography? ALICIA: This is really more of a fictional, silly biography. CROW: Then why isn't Peter Graves narrating this? >Trey loaded up the MUCK program and entered the role-play >channel known as TLKMuck. ALICIA: Hot damn. Nothing excites me more than reading a fanfic about the thrill-a-minute act of *downloading*. TIM: Thrill as Trey *LOGS ON!* SERVO: You know, I don't quite see the excitement of a puddle of dirt, but whatever works for you... > >"Connect.....Gaku..... CROW: Oh my Lord, the author's choking! >enter password. TIM: [Trey] Lick... me. > There, I'm on," Trey said as >he finished logging in. ALICIA: Trey, buddy, come on, we didn't *need* to know that... MIKE: Lots of logging going on in this story. SERVO: Perhaps he always wanted to be a lumberjack. > >Trey looked at the "Who's On" list. ALICIA: GYAH! Trey, what the hell kind of MUCK is this?! TIM: Today's wacky episode of Lost in Cyberspace: Trey discovers yiff.net. >He saw that there was only one >other person on. Someone named "Cyber-V". TIM: [Announcer] Cyber-V. Coming this fall on Fox! MIKE: Cyber-V: Patron saint of 22nd letters of the alphabet everywhere. >"That's strange" he though to himself. ALICIA: [Trey] I didn't think another person as bored as me could actually exist! >Usually only African names were allowed for characters. SERVO: You know, genuinely African names, like "Scar." >He >shrugged and had his character go to where "Cyber-V' was at, >the Waterhole, CROW: Formerly known as The Beer Well, until they were caught serving minors. >remembering to set his status to IC (In-Character) TIM: Set plot to neutral... MIKE: I admire your attempt at character development, but somehow it fails to capture me. ALICIA: Oh, so that's what 'IC' means? I always thought it was a code word used for stealthily referring to Slush Puppies. > >*Hello* Cyber-V typed. ALICIA: "Hi. Why are you typing little stars around your words?" SERVO: Mike, if I go to one of these "chat rooms," will I have funny stars around my speech too? MIKE: I don't know. That seems kinda arbitrary. > >"Hi. Where is everyone?" Trey typed. CROW: Um, not there? ALICIA: [Cyber-V] Oh, they're... around. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! > >*Do not worry. You shall see them soon.* was the answer Cyber-V >gave. ALICIA: ...hey, I was right! > >Trey arched his left eyebrow. CROW: With a regular bow or a crossbow? >"OK, sorta....." he thought. ALICIA: [Trey] Should I be suspicious that this guy knows about the habits of people he's never met that live all across the world? *Naaaah*. > >*Hey, I'm testing a new macro. Mind helping me out?* Cyber-V >asked. ALICIA: That is the absolute lamest pick-up line I've ever heard. TIM: Took me forever to get my macros house broken. Kept staining the rugs, nibbling on furniture... SERVO: *So far nothing has happened, you need to act stupid to get the plot moving.* Hey, Mike, it worked! MIKE: I'm proud of you, buddy. > >Alicia's ALICIA: ...what? My what? Pancakes? Comic books? Plunger? TIM: Beanie Babies? >Alicia thought for a moment and then typed her reply: "Sure, why >not." MIKE: I don't know much about this stuff, but wasn't she in a different chat room? ALICIA: [herself] Hell, I'm a trusting idiot. Want my credit card number, too? TIM: [Alicia] Here's my home address. Why did you want to know when I showered? > >David's ALICIA: ...spatula? >David shrugged his shoulders and typed "Sure", he put his >anti-virus programs up just in case, though. ALICIA: He doesn't have anti-virus programs loaded unless... No, wait, I'm thinking. Smile and nod, Ashby, smile and nod... SERVO: In case of what? That command will be executed on the server computer, and not David's. MIKE: Remember, Tom: Computers in a fictional setting are not controlled by logic. > >Trey's ALICIA: ...bedpan? >Trey typed in "Soitenly". He shook his head to himself. "Need to >lay off the tv for awhile, Trey-bo" he said to no one in >particular. CROW: Well, I'm no one in particular, and I totally agree. ALICIA: Yes, *Trey-Bo*! A new fitness program that combines kickboxing, martial arts, and watching cheesy cartoons to achieve a total body workout! TIM: My mom and sis were into that stuff for a few months. Bugged the hell out of me. > >*Thanks! Type in 'Take-me in' and it should activate the macro* >Cyber-V stated. SERVO: [singing, high-pitched] Take-in me... ALL: Take-in me! SERVO: [singing, high-pitched] Take-me in... > >Trey began typing. ALICIA: Trey was a little slow, so it was several months later before the command was fully entered. > >Alicia's TIM: ...Pokemon? ALICIA: ...squeegee? >Alicia read the words to herself and then began typing. > >David's TIM: ...waffles? >David looked over the command and started typing. MIKE: So, they all started typing? CROW: I don't know, it's kinda ambiguous. ALICIA: [David] HA! I just have to look at the command, not read like you stupid girls! TIM: *Will* they activate the macro? Tune in next week... > >All three of them hit enter at the same time. Before they knew >what was going on. ALICIA: AHHH! AHHH! I'M HITTING ENTER! AHHH! >Their screen's flashed multiple bright colors. TIM: System crash!? AKKK! ALICIA: I guess we activated our screen savers. MIKE: Aah! My computer's been infected with boogie fever! > >"I knew it! Someone else trying to take me down. ALICIA: [David] Damn these monsters! Don't they know a man's screen saver is *sacred*?! >Ewww, this one looks really serious." David said to himself. CROW: [David] I shouldn't have bought my computer from HAL's! >Before he could say another word. A beam of gold light fired out >of his monitor and struck him. TIM: Master Control got him. Say hi to Tron for me, Davey-kins. ALICIA: Damn, that Melissa virus *is* nasty... >He vanished a split second later. SERVO: [Computer] That's for installing Windows on me! > >Trey's ALICIA: ...ukelele? >Trey had a panicked look on his face. "AWW CRAP! CROW: [Trey] My term paper's due tomorrow and I'm in a *chat room*? >I knew I should >have got that Anti-Virus program before I did this!" ALICIA: Does our author even know how an anti-virus program *works*? SERVO: Actually, they won't help unless he gets a computer that follows the laws of physics first. CROW: Yeah, how come fictional characters get stuck with the reality- violating lemons? TIM: You have no *idea* what you just asked... >He watched in horror and awe as a beam of golden light shot out >of his monitor and struck him. ALICIA: Damn. When Windows 98 glitches, it *glitches*. MIKE: Let that be a lesson for all of you: always plug your computers into a grounded outlet. >He to vanished a split second later, uttering the words "Yet >another unexpected twist, BUMMER!" before he completely >vanished. TIM: [proper] My, this *is* a pickle. ALICIA: Wow, Trey can say a damned lot in a "split second". SERVO: This is an unexpected twist, much like it was an unexpected twist that the earth wasn't destroyed by the asteroid in "Armageddon." > >Alicia's ALICIA: ...bagpipes? >Alicia hit the power button hoping that whatever was causing her >screen to flash like crazy would go away. MIKE: [Alicia] Begone, pesky screen saver! ALICIA: Yes, girls don't know how to hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete. We enjoy causing irreparable damage to our hard drives. >The power light went off, but the computer didn't. She stared in >shock. Suddenly, a beam of golden light shot out and illuminated >her. CROW: Now, this story has religious overtones. MIKE: It has? CROW: Yeah, the ascension from an earthly plane toward a higher goal, that sort of stuff. MIKE: Don't you think you're reading too much into this? CROW: Well, it's better than actually reading it. >Se felt kinda lightheaded. SERVO: She just attained illumination and insight into the mysteries of the universe, but she's still an airhead. >She vanished a moment later. The power button mysteriously >pushed itself back in, MIKE: It's a literal Deus Ex Machina! CROW: Well, that's what you get for buying your computer in a little hole-in-the-wall in Chinatown. SERVO: And not reading the label that said "POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL: NO REFUNDS." >keeping the computer on after she disappeared. >The clock on her wall read "12:05" ALICIA: In Ethiopia, children were starving. CROW: Strange... It feels like far longer than five minutes since we started reading this. TIM: This *was* a Muppet News Flash. >-------- >David awoke sometime after. He looked around to find that he >wasn't in his apartment anymore. SERVO: ...Toto. TIM: I'm not in my stereotypical rural Kansas home! ALICIA: Bitter? TIM: A tad. >Instead, he seemed to be in some >kind of dark forest clearing. TIM: "You are outside an old white house. There is a mailbox in front of it. [OPEN MAILBOX]..." >He couldn't see any stars or the moon through the trees' canopy >though. MIKE: If you ask me, that's a rather crappy clearing. >How long had he been out? He looked himself over to make >sure he was alright. TIM: [David] Oh, great, I got the Scotsman treatment while I was knocked out! CROW: [David] Okay, looks fine... Wait, should I be watching myself from ten feet? > He was, but was surprised to find that >instead of his T-shirt and shorts, he was wearing body armor, a >cowboy vest, jeans, boots, a visor, and a gun holster which >contained a pistol with a crescent moon on the end of the >barrel. TIM: Bravestar! Speed of a wolf! SERVO: [David] Oh my God! I've been turned into Calamity Jane! ALICIA: [David] GYAAAH! I've been kidnaped and costumed by mad Power Rangers designers! Help! Help! >He stared at the gun in confusion. CROW: [David] Which end of this do the bullets come out from? >He knew that gun, he knew that >outfit, he just didn't want to believe it. MIKE: [David] I look *ridiculous* in this! ALICIA: [David] Why did they have to dress me up like one of the Wild West Cow-boys of Moo Mesa? Why? WHY?!! >He holstered the gun and took a look around him. Trees, more >trees, even more trees, Cat-girl. CAT-GIRL?! ALL: AAAAAH! SERVO: Don't sneak up on us like that! >He blinked in confusion. ALICIA: [David] A planet where *cat-girls* evolved from men?! TIM: That'd be kinda neat... ALICIA: Of course it would, fur-boy. [TIM blushes slightly] >Over in a corner of the clearing was an Anthromorphic feline >wearing a IV Horsemen t-shirt and jean shorts. CROW: The men taking Horse by IV... That would be Aerosmith, right? >Again, he thought >his eyes were playing tricks on him. ALICIA: [David] That's it, I'm becoming a DayQuil man. This blue stuff is just too hard on me. >The cat-girl seemed to be in >the same state as he was, SERVO: However, it turned out she was actually in California while he was in Nevada. >confused and most likely not the way she >was born. ALICIA: What, you mean naked? Look, story, you already established that she was wearing clothes... and has excellent taste in them, I might add. >The cat-girl looked around and saw him. She face faulted. MIKE: [Catgirl] My God, your costume looks ridiculous! > >"D-d-david?" the Cat-girl finally managed to say. ALICIA: And she recognizes him... how, exactly? TIM: His distinctive self-portrait from his page, perhaps? CROW: Dialogue editing by Paul Hardcastle. > >"Lynxara?" He replied. > >The cat-girl shook her head. "No, it's me! Alicia, Alicia >Ashby." TIM: [Alicia] I am not a cat-girl! I'm a human being! SERVO: [deep voice] I'm the ghost of girlfriends past. ALICIA: You wish for a speedy death, eh, gumball-machine-headed one? SERVO: Anything for a speedy end to this story. > >"No way......" was all David was able to say. "But that's >impossible." MIKE: Well, with an author who knew about plotting, it would be. ALICIA: Just like waking up looking like a bad fusion of Sailor Moon and Clint Eastwood, right, Davey? > >Alicia just smiled. "Davie-kins, since me and Tim created the >3A, CROW: Alicia Ashby: Catgirl and automobile tycoon. >I've learned that NOTHING is impossible. ALICIA: I can spontaneously forget basic grammar rules! TIM: [blinks] "Alicia and Tim created"... never mind... >Well, at least in the fan fic world anyways. ALICIA: Yeah, "Sonic fights Robotnik" more or less proved that. Though the self-insertion Vanilla Ice lemons *are* important supporting evidence... CROW: That sounds like a *bad* way to use an innocent citrus fruit! >But we're real life, not fiction." SERVO: You're right. Fiction usually has a plot. TIM: *Ideally*, yes. > >"Tell me about it. I was just......." TIM: Pause. ALICIA: ...using a lot of dots? >David started to say until he got interrupted >by the sound of rustling leaves. MIKE: Yes, I can imagine that drowning out his voice. > >"Little feet, little feet, WHOOOOOOAH!" a voice cried out from >above. CROW: Oh my God! It's Lisa Loeb! >David and Alicia jerked their heads upward. TIM: [like an old door] *Kreeeak!* SERVO: [voice] Ha! Made you look! > >"What in the world?" Alicia asked. MIKE: [Alicia] It's got a taste that's smooth, yet strangely satisfying! > >Up above the two, in the trees, was a small cheetah cub (not an >anthro. A real cheetah cub) ALICIA: Yes, one of those real cheetah cubs that speak English. >hanging onto a branch by just it's front paws. It's back legs >and body dangled in the air. CROW: Thank you, Mr Redundant. ALICIA: That's for those in our audience who may not understand the word "hang." TIM: It's the Lost In Cyberspace merchandisable critter sidekick. How cute! >"Oh man! First some looney in a chat and now this!" the cub >exclaimed. TIM: [Cheetah] Oh, *poo*, I've been drastically polymorphed! MIKE: Even though the rest of his body just underwent a complete metamorphosis, his vocal chords are still intact. CROW: Unfortunately. > >David and Alicia watched as the cub lost it's grip and fell onto >the forest floor with loud *THWUMP*. SERVO: Proving once again that felines always land butter side down. >The cub staggered back up to >it's feet. It looked at David and Alicia in confusion. CROW: [cub] Lunch? Dinner? Sleep? ALICIA: [Trey] Wow, Disney's character designs are just getting worse and worse... TIM: Nothing quite beats the wonky designs of Hercules and Buckskin Barbie, though. > >"Star Mech? Lynxara?" the cub said as it arched it's left >eyebrow. MIKE: Or its cheetah cub equivalent, anyway. TIM: I'll fill the quota... The Cheetah's Eyebrow! >"I would not have predicted this, NO WAY!" SERVO: That's okay. We already know you're making this up as you go along. > >David and Alicia looked at each other with smirk. CROW: Who's Smirk, and when did he come in? >They looked back at the cub. TIM: [Davey] Cute, isn't it? Cute as a stomach pump. ALICIA: [herself] Yes... We *shall* dine well tonight... > >"Hello, Trey." Alicia said. > >The cub smiled "Geez, word travels about me fast doesn't it?" ALICIA: That's the meaning of infamy, Trey. SERVO: Sure, word gets around, but that's because you're the author. > >Alicia chuckled, "Actually, you're the only person I know who >would quote Road Rovers in a situation as weird as this. MIKE: And, also the only one who would recognize a Road Rovers quote. TIM: [turns to Alicia] You watch that show? I heard it's somewhat bad. ALICIA: I have not now, nor have I ever, watched Road Rovers! This is libel, Tackett! >But I thought Colley was your character." SERVO: A *shady* character. ALICIA: "Character" would imply some sort of personality. > >Trey sat down. "He is, when I go into a Road Rovers channel. MIKE: I can't imagine one of those getting any good ratings. >But Gaku here is my character in the Lion King Muck. Now, with >that aside, anyone know why or how we got here?" CROW: Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much... TIM: Rather nonchalant about being transmogrified, ain't he? > >*I believe I can answer that* ALICIA: *42.* > >Everyone looked around. MIKE: Yay! The script has finally arrived. TIM: Actually, I think it's just the keg. > >*Do not be afraid. I mean you no harm* TIM: [Trey] Okay, Mr Ominous Mystery Voice! SERVO: I speak *with stars*, behold my might! ALICIA: *Pay no attention to anything that sounds like a gun behind you.* > >David unholstered the Crescent Shooter and got it ready for >anything. TIM: [David] Aim at the nothing, aim *at* the nothing. ALICIA: [David] Crescent Shooter! Get ready to slice, dice, and/or make julienne fries! >"Yeah right. You take us from our homes, turn us into our >characters and put us who knows where!" > >*Yes, but no harm has be fallen you* ALICIA: "No harm?" Look at that *outfit* you put David in! SERVO: *My race considers complete separation from everything you've ever loved a friendly greeting.* > >Alicia stated bluntly, "The voice has a point, Dave." TIM: [Alicia] Not a good one, but a point nonetheless. MIKE: So has my pencil, and I don't trust that blindly. > >*You three have been chosen by my race for an experiment* SERVO: *We won't ever use that pair of dice again* ALICIA: *Ve shall use you to perfect ze techniques zat vill make my people ze MASTER RACE! SIEG HEIL!* > >Trey rolled his eyes, "Greeeeeeat. We're gonna be watching >movies....." CROW: Pardon my french, but WHAT KIND OF SCREWED-UP EXPERIMENT IS THAT? ALICIA: I'd rather be watching a movie than this. *Any* movie. TIM: Even Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer? ALICIA: All right, *almost* any movie. > >*You are incorrect. TIM: [McLaughlin] WRONG!!! SERVO: *David will get the next question* > We have studied your race for many years now. TIM: *We needed something to do while our cable was repaired.* >The majority of you wish to be someone or something else many >times in your lives. ALICIA: I wish I was part of a species with a more interesting pastime, then. >You feel satisfied by acting as something >you are not on what you call the 'Internet'.* ALICIA: I am a forty-five year old Hispanic woman who's hot, heavy, and desperate for loving. TIM: I'm really a heavy set mechanic from Pittsburgh named Bruno. Sorry for the cover, everyone! SERVO: *After examining the "Internet," we will then use "a laser" to put a hole in the "o-zone layer".* > >Alicia looked around again. "Yeah, so what does this have to do >with us?" ALICIA: I'm glad this story gave my really stupid twin sister a chance to try her hand at acting. TIM: What? You mean you never actually *wanted* to be a perky catgirl? > >*Our scientists have chosen you three out of your entire race. ALICIA: I feel kinda sorry for the whatever's race now. CROW: *Just because we've achieved transcendence we don't have to be smart.* >We are giving all of you the chance to finally live out a life >as your character, or avatar, as you call them.* MIKE: [Voice] Basically, we felt that was the closest we could get to making sure you got a life. > >"Oh yeah, sure. You two get your favorite characters ALICIA: If I got stuck as my favorite character, I'd be a gay pokemon trainer with particularly crappy taste in men, which would suck. So don't start whining at pseudo-me, Trey. CROW: ...remind me not to ask you about your hobbies. > and I'm the >one who gets stuck without thumbs or hands. Suuuuuure." Trey >said in a very sarcastic tone. CROW: No! He'll miss out on his favorite hobby! MIKE: You mean he won't be able to switch channels on the remote, right? CROW: Yeah, that's it. TIM: [to himself] Nice seeing the pro at work. > >Alicia tried to hold back her laughter. ALICIA: [herself] Your pathetic attempt at humor amuses me! >David smiled and rolled his eyes. "I see why Iago was one of >your favorite Disney characters, Trey." SERVO: It was the only one Disney admitted parroting? ALICIA: [David] You're *almost* as annoying as Gilbert Gottfried, Trey! > >"Davie-kins, I got two words for you, and they ain't 'suck it'. >OK?" Trey said in a David Spade voice. TIM: Umm... Did wackiness just ensue? ALICIA: These are the jokes, folks. Laugh, dammit! LAUGH! MIKE: With a change in word order and declination, "suck it" is still applicable, though. > >Alicia couldn't hold it any longer and burst out laughing. ALICIA: Yes! Explode, fictional counterpart, and then neither of us has to put up with this! TIM: That's one *really* defective fembot. >"I'm sorry, I can't help it." CROW: [Alicia] Dave's costume looks too damn silly! > >*Ah yes, humor. That is very good trait your race has.* SERVO: *Too bad we couldn't find any specimens with it.* ALICIA: *Your painful antics make me long for this "humor."* > >David looked up. "You keep saying 'our race'. Can I take it that >you're not human?" ALICIA: Either that, or he works for Louis Farrakhan. > >*No, I am what an author on your planet refers to as an >"Ellimnist".* TIM: Isn't that a high mage in Forgotten Realms or something? ALICIA: At least it wasn't Jar-Jar something. > >Alicia and David looked at each other curiously. "Ellimnist?" >The cat-girl asked. MIKE: No, Ellimnist. > >Trey chimed in. "Yeah! There from K.A. Applegate's Animorphs >series! SERVO: Do you want to do the honors, or shall I? MIKE: Go ahead. SERVO: Okay. [reciting] "There... There wolves. There castle." TIM: Ah yes... Animorphs, the Power Rangers of kiddie literature. ALICIA: Well, I suppose that's slightly better than getting written into a Goosebumps crossover... >They're like a good version of TNG's Q continuim." > TIM: So they're not dripping with smarm then? >*Yes, we could be described that way. Now, are there any >questions?* ALICIA: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie pop? TIM: When you ship styrofoam, what do you pack it in? SERVO: Why are we seeing the most blatant Deus Ex Machina since "There was no monster" in "Monster A-Go-Go"? CROW: Why are the characters so irritating? MIKE: Was there *any* proofreading or basic editing done for this mess? > >Alicia raised her hand/paw. "Just where are we?" SERVO: *In the middle of nowhere.* CROW: [Alicia] Really? I've always wanted to go to Wisconsin! > >*You are on a real version of your internet.* SERVO: Somehow, I can hear John Postel spinning in his grave. ALICIA: Then where are the flamewars, hardcore porn, and illegal software sites? > >David looked around at the group. "Meaning that everything >here......" CROW: Has a twenty second netlag? > >Alicia finished his statement. "was created by people like us." ALICIA: Not to mention people like good ol' Fred Phelps! TIM: [growling bitterly] Kansas: Religious Loon and Homophobe State... > >*Again, that is correct. You're journey begins here. TIM: [Ellimnist] Welcome to Zork. The rules of the game shall be explained as you encounter them. Oh, and watch out for grues. > You will find >a mode of transportation outside this forest.* ALICIA: *It's called "Get off your lazy computer geek asses and walk."* SERVO: *Unfortunately, we're immaterial, so the best we could get was new shoes.* > >Trey yelled out "WAIT! How do we get home?" >*You don't. ALICIA: *You may now engage in the act known as 'biting me'.* >Not now, at least. Good bye.* CROW: [David] So, which direction is the edge of the for... Well, bye then. > >Alicia put a hand on her hip. "Well isn't this quaint." she said >sarcastically. TIM: [Alicia] I'm joking in the form of understatement. I'm a deep and dramatic heroine! Really! ALICIA: Separated from all my loved ones and everything I've ever known or cared about... Man, that's irritating. > >Trey shrugged his spotted shoulders. "Could be worse. We could >be characters in an Oscar or Koopa fic." ALICIA: Instead, we're characters in a Tackett fic, which is a more slow and painful kind of torment. MIKE: I can sympathize that Oscar Wilde is not the most exciting of authors, but just who is Koopa? ALICIA: Pray you never find out, Nelson. > >David looked at Trey. "Good point. Well, there's nothing we can >do now. ALICIA: [David] I vote we stay here, give up all hope, and slowly starve to death. Who's with me? TIM: [Alicia] How about we let the author's character drag us about by the ears? >Let's go find that transportation the voice..." > >Trey interrupted "Ellimnist" ALICIA: Even when torn from his natural environment, the fanboy *still* continues to thrive. CROW: [Trey] He's the voice, try to understand it. He's the voice, try to make it clear. > >David continued, "The Ellimnist mentioned." > >David and Alicia lead the way and Trey padded on behind them. TIM: [mimics typing] WALK WEST. SERVO: Doesn't this fanfic have enough padding already? > They >came to the edge of the forest. ALICIA: They saw Robotropolis looming off in the distance. >David and Alicia looked at what lay before them in awe. Trey >walked under them and smiled. > >"It's the RRMC!" he exclaimed. MIKE: Down with Flavor Flav and Chuck D! Yo! SERVO: Mike, white people should *not* do that. ALICIA: Ah... "Royal Rampaging Mounted Canadians"? TIM: Nope, I think it'd the Rescue Ranger Military Corps. Oh wait... ["types" again] LOOK BUILDINGS. > >Laying before the group was a series of building shaped like >golden hydrants with translucent tubes connecting them all >together. ALICIA: Ooookay... who put Mr. Peabody in charge of set design? SERVO: So, this is where all dogs go to heaven? TIM: More like where All Dogs Go Directly to Video. CROW: [Stimpy] I'm so happy, I can barely contain myself! >An artificial environment had been started around the area >which was in fact beneath a large crater. MIKE: So, they reached the edge of the forest and emerged underground? CROW: Perhaps they got lost on the way. >Vines covered the buildings >and there were no lights on, making the place look dead. A large >neon sign flickered on and off. TIM: Eat at Joe's... Eat at Joe's... SERVO: Wait... I thought the power was out? MIKE: Must be them new-fangled preferential electrons. > It read "DALnet #road_rovers". ALICIA: The Ellimnist sent us to *DALnet*?! That jerk! Couldn't he at least pick a good server?! > >David looked at the cub. "The what?!" CROW: My sentiment, exactly. > >"Road Rover Mission Control! ALICIA: You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. >This is where all the Road Rovers Role-Plays used to take place >before the great RR channel split. TIM [growling]: RRRRR! MIKE: Huh? SERVO: This story ought to be labeled "for internal use only." >Geez, this place hasn't been >used in months." CROW: Nor have the Road Rovers, but that doesn't seem to stop our author. TIM: Maybe the thrill of the Road Rover Universe grew old, ne? ALICIA: [Trey] Man, I really hate it when all my internet friends go out and get *real* lives. > >The group began to walk towards the largest hydrant building. >"So what are we looking for? A jet? Car? boat ? What?" Alicia >asked. ALICIA: Myself, I'm looking for something that isn't dumb or contrived. SERVO: [Trey] I don't know about you, but I'm just looking for the bathroom. > >Trey shook his head. "None of the above. There was only one >vehicle ever to appear in this channel that the Ellimnist could >be talking about." ALICIA: [Trey] "The Santa Clause." Tim Allen had us all in the grip of fear with that one. TIM: [Trey] Good thing it closed up before Ellimnist discovered Will Smith in the Old West. > >"And that would be?" David questioned. > >"The Eagle." Trey stated. SERVO: Talon express: the budget alternative. ALICIA: Houston, the Plot Device has landed. >----- >Trey lead Alicia and David through the RRMC, giving them >somewhat of a guided tour. CROW: Only somewhat, because he didn't know the way around himself. TIM: [Trey] ...And here are the homes of the stars of "Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys" and "Bucky O'Hare". > Hey, they had time to spare. He eventually took >them to a loading bay. ALICIA: They saw a large box marked 'Hamdingers', but decided that probably wouldn't be important. MIKE: Hamdingers? Yuck! Nobody likes hamdingers! >They stop in front of a large door with the letters "S.E." on >it. TIM: Today's episode of Lost in Cyberspace is brought to you by the letters... SERVO: It's Sheena Easton's dressing room! >"Just what IS the Eagle?" David asked the cheetah cub. MIKE: Whatever it is, it's definitely below par. ALICIA: [Trey] Well, the eagle is the common name for a group of birds comprising over fifty species, all of which belong to the family Accipitridae, order Falconiformes. > >Trey smiled, "Just watch. Computer, voice clearence Colley Cujo >Dogstar." ALICIA: [Trey] I'm the author! I can self-insert myself into this story as many times as I want, dammit! > >The computer beeped. "Voice clearence accepted." SERVO: Although who Clarence is, we'll never know. > >Alicia looked over at David. ALICIA: [herself] Are you buyin' this crap? >"That's the beauty of Avatars. They always sound like their >creators." MIKE: Geez, they couldn't even afford professional voice actors for this story. > >The door opened and Trey motioned for them to follow him. ALICIA: Err... that's not what that finger means, Trey. TIM: Is that a TV-friendly gesture? >He stopped them though and put his paw to his face. SERVO: [Trey] Why am I *showing* them this? I'm gonna be *so* embarrassed! > >"Wait, wait. Just give me a moment." Trey said. "This place >brings back touching memories." TIM: K-Lines flying left and right. Those *were* the days! ALICIA: Because being here in real life is just like being there in IRC and... oh, bah. >His voice went back to normal and he smiled. "Fortunately such >moments pass quickly. CROW: [Trey] Then I remember how bad it *really* was. > >David sighed, "Trey, Don't be a weird cat." > >Trey looked at David and practically shouted out. "That's >'BOY'!" MIKE: And left, finishing with his grin. ALICIA: These are the jokes, folks. Remember, it's funny because the original line was so *brilliant*. TIM: We're colliding with wackiness again, aren't we? > >David shrugged his shoulders. "Usually, yes. But right now your >feline." SERVO: Oh, that's just something everyone seems to catch at the moment. CROW: Yeah. Take an aspirin and you'll feel better in the morning. > >Alicia chuckled and Trey gave a sarcastic smile. ALICIA: Um... wow, I'm not even sure what to say to that. Tackett seems to have discovered "anti-humor." MIKE: Oh, I think Rick Sloane beat him to *that*. >David and >Alicia followed him through the doors into a very, VERY, large >hanger. SERVO: And if you think that's big, just imagine the coat! > >Trey struck a tour guide-ish pose. "Ladies and Gentleman, may I >present the Screaming Eagle." TIM: [Trey] We've got it on loan from a Dr. Brighthead. MIKE: The very latest in avian transportation! ALICIA: More like the "Coughing Chicken." > >David and Alicia's jaws dropped as they saw what Trey was >referring to. SERVO: [Dave] I'm gonna be riding in *that*? >In front of them was an air fortress the size of a >large high school. CROW: Yeah, I can imagine that would be aerodynamic. ALICIA: A 'large high school'? What the hell kind of size scale is that? TIM: Along the lines of judging how deadly something is by how long it takes to skeletonize a cow, I guess. > >David rubbed his chin. "Hmm, Judging from it's appearance, I'm >going to say designed in the same style as the Ninja FalconZord, >modified to look like an American Bald Eagle, and named after >the ride at Six Flags in St. Louis." ALICIA: David has the superhuman ability to fully unravel *any* contrived crossover! It's how he keeps track of his own continuity. TIM: Like how 3A is simultaneously separate and within the Foxfire Universe. > >Trey smiled. "Your good." MIKE: No, my bad. > >David chuckled. "I have my moments." CROW: [David] Especially when I need to provide exposition. TIM: [David] But my medication helps take care of that. > >They made their way towards the entry hatch. > >Bridge of the Screaming Eagle SERVO: The less successful sequel to "Bridge over the River Kwai." >The trio entered the bridge. They gazed around at what looked to >be a modified version of the Enterprise-D's bridge. CROW: [Alicia] Trey, have you no sense of originality whatsoever? ALICIA: Read: "The author doesn't want to describe anything, so he'll just rely on your foreknowledge of pop culture." >Alicia went over to the helm and began >pressing buttons. MIKE: Yep, that's what you want to do on a highly advanced spaceship with enormous destructive power. TIM [Alicia]: Let's up, down, up, down, left right, B, A, START! >The lights came on and systems powered up. TIM: [Alicia] One of these *must* serve the root beer... CROW: [Alicia] Where's the KA-BOOM? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering KA-BOOM! > >"Ok, I think I can probably get this thing running." Alicia >stated. MIKE: [Alicia] Now, flying, that's another matter. ALICIA: [herself] I had a class on basic starship piloting in freshman year! > >Trey shruged his shoulders. "Should be easy to do. I made the >Eagle so ANYONE could pilot it." CROW: Oh, so *you're* the one to blame for it. SERVO: Couldn't you at least have thought it up to be less stupid-looking? ALICIA: Oh, *anyone*? What about sentient amoebas? Huh? Or semi-mobile slugs from Antares? TIM: Even Hot Wheels collectors? > >Alicia looked at him. "Couldn't you just fly the thing?" > >Trey held up one of his paws and waved it around with a >sarcastic smile. MIKE: So... I guess *not* anyone could pilot it. > >Alicia chuckled lightly. "Oh yeah. No thumbs." > >David went over and sat in the captain's chair. "Ooo, comfy." SERVO: [gasps] Not the *comfy chair*! TIM: Davey-kins and the Big Comfy Captain Chair! Next on PBS. > >Trey hopped into the first officer's chair. "So, I guess it's >just us three now." ALICIA: Naw, Trey! What was your first clue to *that*? CROW: [Trey] We'll just need 435 more, and we'll have a crew to fly this! > >Alicia nodded. "Looks like it." She cracked her knuckles. >"What's say we get this show on the road, huh?" ALL: "We get this show on the road, huh?" > >David nodded. "Let's. Care to do the honors?" ALICIA: Um... and we're going exactly where, for what purpose? > >Alicia smiled. "My pleasure." > >She began presing buttons. CROW: [Alicia] Let's see if I blow something up *this* time! >Outside, the Eagle's engine's came to >life. The "Head" raised and let out a sound much like a real >Eagle would. ALICIA: It screamed in protest of its cruel enslavement to mankind. SERVO: [Eagle] Fasten the seatbelts, you morons! TIM: Amazing how these newcomers can operate such a high tech craft by randomly punching buttons. >A hatch opened above the ship and a platform began to left it >up to the surface. Once above ground, it rocketed into the sky. >The Screaming Eagle then flew off into the distance. MIKE: Yes, but did it soar into the heavens? CROW: Did it take off into the above, even? > >Nightime TIM: With Ted Koppel. ALICIA: Of course, considering we're in a place that could hardly be considered a revolving planet, the existence of any sort of night is highly implausible. >The Screaming Eagle air fortress flew over what looked to be a >small forest area. All was peaceful in the skies. SERVO: Somewhere, a dog was barking. TIM: Ready... the Bart Missile! > On the ship's >bridge, David and Alicia wer sitting at the two helm stations. >Trey was curled up on top of Alicia's station, asleep. CROW: Um, Trey? The console's not a cat box, you know. >It had >been a long afternoon for the unlikely trio, and they were >enjoying some peace and calm. Alicia looked at Trey and smiled. SERVO: [Alicia] He's so hideous when he's asleep! ALICIA: [herself] I bet he'd be great roasted with a light tomato pesto sauce. > >"You know," she started. "He doesn't act as hyper as he says he >does." CROW: [Alicia] Especially since I took him to the vet. > >David chuckled. "Sometimes I wonder if he just says he's that >way, ALICIA: [Davey] But other times I realize I just don't care. >but then he usually proves that he is by saying something >weird." MIKE: So, our hero apparently has a constant need to prove his uselessness. > >Alicia looked around the bridge she had first stepped on just a >few short hours ago. "People say things happen for a reason." ALICIA: Just... you know... "people." They work very closely with "they." TIM: The introspection scene. The Really Small Font should be coming along any moment. > >"Yeah?" David questioned. CROW: [Dave] People can jump up and bite me. > >Alicia nodded. "I can't help but wonder if this is one of those >times. I mean, out of everyone on Earth, that Ellimnist race >chose us three." ALICIA: [herself] I have to wonder what sort of crimes we've committed to deserve this. SERVO: Perhaps the Ellimninsts just wanted to be merciful to the rest of the world. > >David pressed a few buttons taking the Eagle above a small patch >of storm clouds. TIM: [David] Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot. If St Louis isn't currently in your travel plans, it is now. MIKE: This plane was built with leftover parts from KITT. >"I know what you mean. I'm just as curious >about it as you are. Why us? Why go to all this trouble?" CROW: If they are dumb enough to choose you, I'm sure they could come up with a reason to go through the bother as well. > >"The second one is easy." Alicia stated. "They're studying us. ALICIA: [herself] They seek the direly important information that comes from putting obsessive fans in implausible dangerous circumstances. TIM: *We put three fan people in an apartment. Let's see what happens when they stop being fans and start being real*. >Seeing how we react to a given situation. Much like the >Scientists on Earth. SERVO: Except the scientists were usually doing science. >These guys are just taking things somewhat >further." MIKE: Or perhaps they're just fans of Star Trek, and like stealing their plots. > >"Maybe we were their favorite subjects." David joked. He looked >back at the view screen and gave a short laugh to himself. ALICIA: [Davey] Ha-ha! I like being experimented on by nigh-omnipotent aliens! >"Funny thing is, things might actually be better this way." CROW: [David] Besides, I *like* dressing up in ridiculous outfits! > >"How do you figure?" the cat-girl questioned. > >"Think about it. Here we are, on a living version of the net. ALICIA: [Davey] We're gonna be up to our ears in free porn! TIM: And Sailor Moon fans as far as the eye can see. MIKE: [David] All we are are SYN packets in the wind, dude. >No school, no bills to pay, no morons sending you mail saying >they hate your work. SERVO: Yes, the net is a good place not to receive E-mail. CROW: Does that happen a lot? >Plus, we're living out every author's >dreams. We've BECOME our characters." TIM: We get to get attacked and killed by our own supervillains. It's great! MIKE: Actually, I think that's *not* Joe Eszterhas dream. CROW: He said "author", Mike. MIKE: Sorry. My bad. > >Alicia thought about this for a moment and smiled. "I guess >you're right." She got a sly look. "Star Mech." SERVO: Star Mech? MIKE: It's Gene Roddenberry's Macross! ALICIA: NO, story. Do not even get close to slightly implying a romantic scene, under pain of horrible horrible death. TIM: Guh... > >David chuckled. "We might want to find a place to land. We're >gonna need to sleep eventually." CROW: Do characters sleep? SERVO: As far as I've seen, only those with romantic interests. > >Alicia pressed a few buttons on her controls and smiled. TIM: [Alicia] Oopsie! I just dropped our second engine on Peoria. > "Sleep, >yes. Land, nuh uh. That's why we have auto-pilot." MIKE: [Alicia] Good thing I just thought that up. ALICIA: And of *course* nothing could go wrong with the ship left on auto-pilot. > >David smirked. "And to think this ship was designed by the guy >who coined the phrase "You booped Serenity?!". SERVO: Huh? CROW: Can you please make a little less sense? TIM: Booped? That's what the kids are calling it now? > >Alicia laughed to herself. She then got up from the controls and >stretched. "Wanna go look around this thing? ALICIA: [herself] Wanna go do something where I don't have to talk to you? >Might as well >familiarize ourselves with it since we'll be spending most of >the days here." MIKE: [Alicia, grumbling] And all that because Davey here is too proud to ask for directions... > >David nodded and got up. "It's be an honor, m'lady." He said in >a dignified tone. TIM: [Davey] I am *quite* smooth in this get-up, am I not? > He then pointed at Trey. ALICIA: [Davey] Wanna just throw him out the airlock now? It's not like we really need a load or anything. >"What about Cheetor over there?" SERVO: Oh, he's just an extra. > >Alicia reached down and scooped the cub up in her arms. Trey >snorted and opened his eyes. "Huh? Wha? What's going on?" CROW: [Trey] Is it next week already? TIM: [Alicia] We're just going to put your face on McDonald cups. > >Alicia placed him on her left shoulder. "We're gonna take a look >around the Eagle and thought you might want to come along." MIKE: [Alicia] Just in case you forgot how you designed it. > >Trey nodded his head groggily. "Oh, ok." He closed his eyes and >went back to sleep. The three then left the bridge. TIM: [Trey] I'm so sleepy I can barely stay awake... Zzzz... ALICIA: See, I just *love* how Trey's self-insertion adds so much to the story! CROW: [ominously] Neither of them were ever seen alive again. > >Corridor TIM: "Nice and dark, just the way Grues like it..." ALICIA: I also like the really vivid sense of place Trey gives us. Like, right now, I *am* in Corridor. SERVO: This story was shot on the set of "Space Mutiny". >David and Alicia, with trey asleep on her left shoulder, made >their way down the hall. Taking note of the construction's >familiarity. MIKE: [Alicia] Hey, that's a set from 'Battlestar Galactica'! > >"Is it just me or is a lot of this ship designed like the >Enterprise-D?" David asked. SERVO: You mean, miles and miles of indistinct corridors and control panels that blow up in your face? ALICIA: Gee, Dave, considering how the only establishing description of the ship Trey did was to establish that it was an Enterprise-D ripoff on the inside... by the way, how the hell could you fit the Enterprise-D's bridge set-up inside the Ninja Falconzord, anyway? TIM: [TARDAC] Tech, perhaps? > >Alicia nodded. "Appearence wise, yes. Although this thing has >two decks while the Enterprise has over 100 or so." CROW: So, this 'high-school size' craft has only two decks. MIKE: Perhaps it's a very small large high school. TIM: That'd describe my school, pretty much. > >Trey opened his eyes and yawned. "I ripped off the design. So >sue me." CROW: Actually, I believe that is Paramount's job. > >David looked over at him. "Put in a holodeck?" SERVO: [Trey] No, but one of the decks was never finished, so we do have a hollow deck. > >Trey shook his head. "Nope, that's one of the things I didn't >put in." ALICIA: [Trey] That would have been entirely too interesting. MIKE: [Trey] I have *some* sense of shame, you know. > >"Well, since you probably know where everything is, mind telling >us where the crew quarters are?" CROW: That would be in their piggy banks. > >Trey rubbed his chin. "Let's see here. Lower decks house the >engine room and all the ship's systems. TIM: [Trey] Lido deck, art gallery, java house... that kinda stuff. >While Crew quarters, rec >room, infirmery, and everything else is on the upper decks." SERVO: [Trey] I forgot to add a bathroom, but that's just a minor detail. > >"Well, why didn't you say so?!" Alicia exclaimed. MIKE: Because it's bleeding obvious? > >Trey shrugged. "You never asked." SERVO: Well, except now you did. ALICIA: Once again, folks, remember... These *are* the jokes. > >Crew Quarters >Trey lead the way. The group stopped when they came to 6 doors, >3 on each side of the hallway. MIKE: This looks like the setup for a slapstick comedy. >Three of the doors had name tags >on them. SERVO: Moe, Larry, and Curly. >David read the closest one. ALICIA: [David] Hey, Trey, exactly who is 'Fleagle'? > >"Kronos," he read. "Hmm, guess this one's mine." CROW: David, Kronos, Star Mech... Does this guy have some sort of multiple personality disorder? TIM: Well, his characters *do* start to look the same after a while. > >Alicia read another one. "Gaku. I think this one's your's Trey. >Which means the one marked 'Lynxara' is mine." MIKE: Elementary, my dear Watson. SERVO: Actually, I think the expression you're looking for is "No shit, Sherlock." > >The three split up and went to their rooms. The doors opened in >a Trek-ish fashion. TIM: Sliding doors are oh-so high tech, after all. CROW: Sliding doors -- FROM THE FUTURE! > >Trey's room >Trey couldn't believe what he saw. TIM: [Trey] Air! And lots of it! SERVO: [Trey] I designed *this* junk? ALICIA: [Trey] Wow! All this crack cocaine, just for *me*? >For a moment he could have >sworn he was back at home in his old room., but he snapped out >of it when his tail twitched. MIKE: Was his view from eight inches above the floor his second clue? >Everything was there, all his >videos, posters, drawings, everything. ALICIA: The mountains of months old, unwashed socks and underwear... TIM: Furry smut under the bed, just like home! >The only difference was that the closet had been replaced with >a bathroom and many of the objects had been modified for use in >his current predicament. CROW: For instance, the alarm clock had been set for a 72-hour day. > >Hallway ALICIA: I thought it was Corridor! What happened to Corridor? Did he ask for too much money?! TIM: It changed shape... IT'S HAUNTED! [calms down quickly] Or not. >Everyone walked out of their room. >"Anyone else have an exact replica of their room at home?" David >asked. MIKE: I've only got one copy of my room at home, myself. > >Alicia nodded. "Obviously these guys want us to feel as much at >home as possible." SERVO: [Alicia] Good for me I don't have any friends! ALICIA: [herself] A cunning plan to lure us into a false sense of security. Don't worry, we'll still be ready for the bastards when they come for us. >--- >Somewhere far away TIM: [narrator] Sweden, I think. That's far enough. ALICIA: Christ, don't tell me Trey managed to work Star Wars into this, too... >Far away from the three authors inside a dark room, a meeting >had begun. CROW: And now, a scene from the Amateur Photographers Association. >Three figures sat around a table. A hand reached up >and turned on the light. MIKE: Thank you, Thing. TIM: [Deep] Now... what to do about Inspector Gadget. > The figures lookes at one another. On >one side there was a familiar rabbit zoot in a top hat and tux. SERVO: A loud 50's dress in clothes with no living being wearing them? I don't get it. TIM: [stands up and coughs] Ahem...the Gonterman Zoots: a species that resembles plushie animal costumes, not unlike those found in Disney World, baseball parks, or popular children's TV shows. Zoots require a human host that to wear it and bond with it, similar to the Venom and Carnage symbiotes in Spiderman comics. Thank you. [sits down] ALICIA: Ah, it's Pippkin, a.k.a. "The Only Recurring Gonterman Villain That Will Ever Exist." >On the other side, there was a half-lion, half-cyborg creature, TIM: Hi Goldar! CROW: EXTREME Thundercats! >Finally, in the third seat, there was the most hated and >despised character known on the net. SERVO: But enough about Sanford Wallace... > >"So, we all have arrived," Dark Sonic said. MIKE: Dark Sonic?! [bursts out laughing] That's gotta be the silliest villain yet! CROW: [chuckling] Dark Sonic, with his sidekick Terror Tails! SERVO: [Dark Sonic] Watch out, or I'll spin some! But I warn you, the draft might be slightly irritating! ALICIA: It's cute, watching them still so innocent. TIM: Meanwhile, we can watch our fanfic series get butchered! > >Pippkin nodded. "Why are are here though?" > TIM: To summon The The Eye Creatures, apparently. >The hedgehog smiled revealing it's fangs. "Glad you asked, Pip. SERVO: [Dark Sonic] I'm bringing you your Gladys. >I have called you two here for a reason. ALICIA: [Dark Sonic] I have the desire to play... mwahahaha... SPADES! TIM: [Dark Sonic] I have a *killer* all-Fire Pokemon deck... heh heh heh... >It seems that by some act of power, your creators and Alicia >Ashby have been sucked into our world." CROW: Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "meet your maker". > >The cyborg's eyes glowed red. "What!? How is that possible!?" MIKE: Well, at first there was this huge plot hole... > >Sonic raised a hand to quiet the bot. "It doesn't matter. TIM: [Dark Sonic] Talk to the hand. >What does it that now we can have our REVENGE on them for all >that they've done to us. TIM: Nice subtle allusion there, Trey... SERVO: Not just revenge, but REVENGE! > Pippkin, Gonterman used you as a >punching bag every chance he got. CROW: Probably had something to do with the cuddly stuffing. >Razar, you had the potential >to be a powerful villian, but Trey dumped you like an old >drawing. Now is your chance to get back at him and show what you >are capable of." ALICIA: So... Make your creator like you by trying to kill him. MIKE: [Razar] Um, we're not capable of anything, Sir. CROW: [Dark Sonic] Shut up, Razar. > >Pippkin interrupted. "This is all fine and dandy, but what do >YOU do in this? Ashby isn't your creator." SERVO: [Dark Sonic] No, but she beat me with Robotnik in Sonic R. Imagine the humiliation! > >Sonic frowned. "No, but after what she did to me in those 3A >stories, CROW: Huh? Am I the only one feeling confused here? MIKE: I'm with you, buddy. SERVO: What target audience was this story meant for, anyway? The author and his imaginary friend? ALICIA: No, the author and people he imagines are his friends. >I feel as though, let's say, I owe her one." ALL: "I owe her one!" > >"Are you suggesting we combine our forces?" Razar asked. > SERVO: Oh, they'll have to draw up an arrow diagram for that. TIM: [Trey] Heroes from multiple series meet and have numerous misadventures... check. Villains from respective series meet and join forces... check. >"That is it exactly!" The hedgehog exclaimed. > >Razar leaped up. "I'LL DO IT! ALICIA: [Razar] I *WILL* take the Nestea Plunge! >That infidel will pay for only >using me once!" CROW: [Razar] Dammit, I *like* being used! > >The rabbit looked at Sonic. I to will join you. Although it will >be more to show David that no one is safe from me, and not out >of revenge." SERVO: But more out of REVENGE! ALICIA: [Pippkin] Because revenge is so *passe*. > >Dark Sonic smiled. "Good. My friends, wa new era has dawned on >us. An era where the stories are real. And nothing is >impossible. TIM: [Dark Sonic] Imagine: A diet beverage that tastes like the regular version! > We shall make an example out of these authors. And >then we shall rule this world." CROW: Umm... I don't really see how those two are related. ALICIA: [Dark Sonic] Yes, we shall somehow come to rule this ill-defined, apparently unpopulated world. TIM: [Dark Sonic] Through the power... of STEAM! > >Dark Sonic began to laugh maniacally. The others joined in. > SERVO: Damn. Used up my "Austin Powers" reference already. TIM: [Villains] Last night's "Friends" was *damned* funny! BWAH HAHA HA! >Screaming Eagle Crew Quarters >All was peaceful aboard the ship. The trio of authors had laid >down for a good night's rest. TIM: "With Mom in her kerchef and I in my cap..." ALICIA: You had better not mean "together", Trey. I *will* kill you when I get out of here... MIKE: [Singing to "Hard Day's Night"] It's been a good night's rest, and I've been drooling like a tap... >It had been a long day filled with >changes, some more apparent than others. Many more changes >awaited them. CROW: Hey, Narrator! You're spoiling the surprise for us! >For the moment though, they rested, oblivious to >the villanous alliance forming far off. MIKE: But enough about the AOL/Netscape merger... > >TO BE CONTINUED........ ALICIA: Don't think you can threaten me, story! SERVO: Lost In Cyberspace will be continued next week, same crap time, same crap channel! [All leave the theater, more orderly than they entered it.] [SoL, in front of the theater door] SERVO: Okay, I don't know much about what these things are supposed to be like, but I have a nagging suspicion that they're not supposed to be like this. CROW: Yeah! What was the *point* of that thing, exactly? TIM: It's kinda hard to explain... Does anyone of you know about fan fiction? SERVO: I think I've heard about it. It's when someone wants to write and has neither any ideas for settings and characters nor a hope of being published, right? TIM: Pretty much. But sometimes, the authors feel the need to complement the world they're set in with new characters. And more often than not, the new characters are molded after the authors' image of themselves. MIKE: So, it's like writing, directing, *and* starring in your own movie? CROW: We know a few things about *that*. TIM: Well, it's really more innocent playing around. And it probably makes them feel good. CROW: [mumbled] I know something else that's innocent playing around that makes you feel good... ALICIA: [nudges Crow] But actually, you're on the right track. It's not too uncommon for the authors' characters to actually have the same names as the authors, too. MIKE: Speaking of which, we never got to know your names. TIM: Tim McLees. ALICIA: Alicia Ashby. [They and Mike shake hands] MIKE: You know, I have this creepy feeling I recognize those names from somewhere. Servo? SERVO: Not a clue. CROW: I don't even know what you're babbling about, Mike. MIKE: I still don't see the point of what we just read. ALICIA: Well, it's supposed to be a parody of a brand of the fan-fiction where the authors write hopelessly inflated versions of themselves into an established continuity. TIM: For example, the new characters immediately know everything about the existing ones, despite being new to their world. CROW: Like you know our names and how my arm comes off? TIM: Yeah, exactly like that. ALICIA: Not only that, but they usually outperform the regular characters at what they've been doing since the beginning of the show, and earn their high praise for it. MIKE: Really? By the way, that was some great riffing there in the theater. CROW: Yeah. It's almost as if you had been stuck on an orbiting satellite, too! TIM: Then, all of the series regulars lose their real characters and turn into cardboard cutout cliches. CROW: Sex. MIKE: CROW!!!! SERVO: [Looks uncomfortably at Mike] Mike, what the Sam Hill was that about? MIKE: I don't know. I felt as if suddenly my mind went blank and I was turned into a soulless automaton in the hands of some almighty puppet master. CROW: Oh yeah. I get that feeling all the time. TIM: Which brings us to when the new characters take over for those who should be in place, and start bossing them around and controlling everyone. You understand? SERVO: [monotone] I understand. CROW: [monotone] I understand. MIKE: [monotone] I understand completely. ALICIA: Of course, it all ends up in the author scoring with the resident hot chick of the series. GYPSY: [enters and scurries around frantically] Mike, I need you to see this! Oxygen levels are decreasing at three times the usual rate - It looks like we have stowaways! [stops and looks at Tim] Who is that hunk? TIM: Uh... Tim. Tim Mclees. [nervously] I'm new here. GYPSY: [moving closer to Tim] Do you know who you remind me of? TIM: Well... Not really. GYSPY: Come on, take a guess. TIM: ...Richard Basehart? GYSPY: [swoons] Oooooohh... ALICIA: Uh... I think that's what this story's supposed to be about. It's just not really very good at it. SERVO: [upset] Do you mean people actually *write* pathetic ego-trips like that? MIKE: Calm down, Servo. I'm certain something like that would never happen to us. CROW: It'd better not! Imagine some full-of-themselves teens coming here and telling us what to do. I'd rather kill myself than be bossed around by some no-talent hack writer with delusions of godhood! ALICIA: Then you probably don't want to hear about the MiSTings, then. CROW: The misting what? MIKE: Is that fanfiction based off of that neat Myst video game? ALICIA: Um... TOM: I wanna hear too, but think maybe we should give the new guy a hand first? [Tim is currently cowering against the back wall, as Gypsy "cuddles" up against him as best she can. Considering her size, this is the effective equivalent of repeatedly punching Tim in the gut.] TIM: Alicia... The vacuum cleaner's hitting on me. ALICIA: Beggars can't be choosers, Tim. MIKE: Gypsy! Gypsy, come on, you're gonna end up damaging one of our walls! [Commercial sign light flashes. Mike glances back and taps it.] MIKE: Oops... we'll be right back. [fade to black] ____________________________________________________________________ To Be Continued... ____________________________________________________________________ > We shall make an example out of these authors. And >then we shall rule this world."