MiSTed: "Lost in Cyberspace Episode 2" Original by Trey Tackett MSTed by Alicia Ashby [lynxara@bad-candy.com] Tim McLees [silvertooth@i-plus.net] Håkan Svensson [d95-hsv@nada.kth.se] [Season 9 Opening titles. The door sequence concludes and reveals a length of one of the rarely seen hallways of the Satellite of Love.] [The scene fades to an alarmingly stylish bedroom. The dull steel gray walls of the chamber are embossed with lightweight paper posters of 80's television hunks Scott Baio, Kirk Camereon, and David Hasselhoff. The most organized and ornate section is against the back wall, consisting of a vast array of merchandise and photos from the classic "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" television series.] [Gypsy is dutifully preparing a posh, pastel sheeted bed along the edge of the room. In the center stands the dark haired newcomer Alicia, who... is quite simply stunned.] GYPSY: [enthusiastic] ...and *that's* why Brian Robbins is one of the premiere entertainers in Hollywood today! ALICIA: [looking around] Uh-huh... GYPSY: No Richard Basehart, but dreamy nonetheless. ALICIA: [politely] Oh, of course not, but then, who is, really? GYPSY: True. [tucks the sheets into place with her nose, and turns back to the young woman.] He's also lead the way for many of *today's* young actors. He even directed and produced "All That" and "Good Burger". ALICIA: [carefully turning to regard a Nautilus model on Gypsy's 'shrine'] ...That's really something... GYPSY: Say, you like comic books? ALICIA: [Suddenly cheering up] Yeah! GYPSY: Then you'd *love* Brain's new television show, "Smallville"... ALICIA: [...and just as suddenly strained] Uhhh... maybe later, Gypsy. I've had a long day and need to crash. GYPSY: Sure thing, sister! Hope outer space hasn't too rough for-- What the...? [ALICIA and GYPSY turn to a large bundle of laundry that seems to be moving. Alicia trods over and yanks some of the sheets free...to reveal Tom Servo and Crow, both with black ninja hoods over their heads. The purple female Bot stands silently, while Alicia's grip on the sheets tighten...] CROW: [awkward] Oh, umm... hi Gyps. SERVO: [nervously] We got kinda lost, see... [Abruptly we switch to another and notably *less* stylish bedroom. The walls have a few scattered Winger and Pat Benetar posters set against the metallic frame work. Mike Nelson is lounging casually on his bed, while the Satellites other newcomer Tim sits in a confused daze on a roll-away bed, looking at the vast array of dirty clothes and debris on the floor.] MIKE: [proudly] ...and *that*, my friend, is why Manowar is one of the best metal bands in the history of rock! TIM: ...right. [Tim's stunned horror is broken with the sound of crashes outside the room and Gypsy's oddly pitched shrieking] MIKE: What in Sam Hill?! [bolts from his bed and rushes out of the room] CROW: [off-screen] AH-HA-OWIIIEE! ALICIA: [off-screen] Dammit, Crow, hold still so I can kick your ass! CROW: [OS] ...GYAH! SERVO: [OS] How, she *does* know how your arms come off-- AUGH! TIM: Alicia? [follows Mike out of the room] [Back on the bridge, Tom Servo lies on the counter with a cracked dome, while an irate, armless Crow is beside him. A wimpering Gypsy stands beside Alicia, who has Crow's arms draped over her shoulder.] MIKE: What in the Wide World of Sports-- Alicia! Crow needs those! What happened? GYPSY: We had a case of a Peeping Tom!... and a Peeping Crow! ALICIA: Apparently the bots decided to go on a panty raid (casually pitches Crow's arms over to Mike) MIKE: Ah, understandable... I remember back in college when-- Hey! That ain't right, you guys! SERVO: [recovers, stands back up] But we just wanted to try it out... CROW: Yeah, guys, all males are compelled to panty raid, ya know. [Mike snaps his arms into place] Ah, thanks Mike. TIM: But you two aren't really... [notices the yellow flashing lights on the console] Nevermind, Paladin, Hummer, and Foul Tip are calling us. MIKE and the BOTS: Who? ALICIA: I'll explain later. [Castle Forrester. Doctor Forrester smirks confidently to the camera, as Observer and Bobo work on feeding a trail of computer paper into a complicated mechanical device in the background.] DR. F: Ahh... Greetings Aqualad, Wonder Twins... Adjusting to life in outer space I presume? [SOL] MIKE: On the contrary, it's actually kinda nice have some human company. Someone to show off my rare collection of Cheerwine and RC cola cans. [proudly gives Tim a slap on the shoulder] Made them into this nifty pyramid too! GYPSY: And I was getting ready to style Alicia's lovely hair! TIM and ALICIA: [smile and laugh nervously, politely] SERVO: We'll pray for you, kids... [Castle Forrester] OBSERVER: [annoyed] Well, that's just *dandy*. While you simpletons are working on this contraption... BOBO: Lawgiver's Son prepared another episode of Lost in Cyberspace-- [SOL. Alicia and Tim are suddenly in the foreground, enthusiastic.] ALICIA and TIM: REALLY!? MIKE: But my soda cans? GYPSY: And pigtails? [Castle Forrester] DR. F: *Unfortunately* my henchmen haven't been able to get the document converter to transmit lately. BOBO: The primary node isn't functioning! [SOL. Tim's frantically flipping through a pocket guide with DEUS EX MACHINA on the cover.] TIM: Well, try turning it clockwise until its lit up green. ALICIA: And kick it a few times. SERVO: ...they're way too enthusiastic about receiving today's experiment. CROW: Consider the alternatives, Tom. [Castle Forrester. The converter to the Deus Ex Machina hums to life and lights flicker about it.] DR F: [blinks] Well, thanks for the advice, children. OBSERVER: We're ready for transfer, Fearless Leader! BOBO: SUCCESS! Flip node *is* the squad! OBSERVER: Umm... yeah. [approaches the camera and takes a stand beside the good doctor] Anyway, the latest installment of this... "fan fic" is transmitting now. [SOL. The traditional lights are flashing... and Alicia scrambles into down the theater hallway as the doors open. The rest of the crew follow suit.] MIKE: Looks like the girl stuff will have to wait! SERVO: We have... umm... MORE TEXT STUFF! TIM: [zipping through the doorway] Thank Gawd!... [In the theater, Alicia and Tim already take their spots on the far left seats. Mike and the Bots file into their usual positions...] CROW: ...waitaminute. Alicia, how would Gypsy do your hair without any functioning limbs? ALICIA: Very carefully, I'd imagine... > Lost in Cyberspace TIM: Peer's Revenge > CHAPTER 2 > "ENCOUNTERS" ALICIA: Claws encounters of the furred kind. > By Trey Tackett > *NOTE:This is intended to be a Self-Insertion story, so there. NYAH! ;) SERVO: Funnily enough, any relation to real people and events is *still* completely coincidental. > All characters are property of their respected owners and are most likely > used without their permission. ALICIA: So, he *knows* they wouldn't like their characterization. > This is in no way intended to infringe on > ANY copyright laws. So please don't sue. CROW: Peggy Mary Got Sued: the latest from John Grisham. > ------- > (Net World) MIKE: For all your fishing needs! > Deep in the moutanous regions stood a fortress. ALICIA: Ah, one of the famous medieval castles of Montana. > The structure was similar > to that of the building in the heart of Robotropolis, but with a hint of > Gothic added. TIM: And a pinch of oregano. SERVO: The robots were all wearing black and sulking... > Lightning struck in the skies giving the area a dark and > dismal atmosphere. TIM: [narrator] It was a dark and stormy night... no really, it was! > Dark Sonic paced around his thrown room. SERVO: Geez, Sonic, when I told you to pick up your room, I meant that you should *clean* it. > So far his plan > of elliminating the three authors, ALICIA: Isn't that the job of that Ellimnist guy? TIM: He misread the memo and he's laminating our heroes instead. > now trapped in this world, hadn't even > begun. Razar was busy with the manufacturing of Combots, TIM: Razor had just signed a sweet deal with Bandai. CROW: [singing] I'm gonna buy me a combot, to give me some peace of mind... > and Pippkin was... > Well, Dark Sonic didn't know what Pippkin was up to, but he was sure doing > something. ALICIA: [Pippkin] Oh, hi Sonic! Plotting away here-- scheme scheme scheme... MIKE: Apparently, this villain's superpowers include stating the patently obvious. > This had left the hedgehog all alone in his base, and bored out > of his mind. ALICIA: [Sonic, brooding] Hrmm, maybe I should order out... Domino's, perhaps.... > He walked over and sat in his thrown. SERVO: Dark Sonic buys all of his furniture at the Thrift Store. TIM: What do *you*, the reader, think, hmm? > The fact that all three > villians had agreed to focus 100% of the rescources on the objective at hand > didn't help either. CROW: It made him really embarrassed when he found out they had nothing to offer. > It meant he couldn't partake in any of his usual > activities, which for some reason disgusted his new partners. TIM: He collects *Beanie Babies*, for Gawd's sake! MIKE: What made them disgusted? His usual activities or the fact that he wasn't doing them? ALICIA: Ah... heh heh... I wouldn't worry about it, Mike. > He sighed and > leaned his head onto his hands. If he didn't find something to do he'd go > nuts. "Stupid Deal" he muttered to himself. SERVO: [Dark Sonic] Pair of eights? What am I supposed to do with that? > "Why should I have to change my > routine just so we can get rid of those authors? CROW: Well, maybe you should have thought of that *before* you called the team together? TIM: [Dark Sonic, sulking] I'm not a very good overlord... > Hell, I could probably > take'em out with only half my powers." He blinked. "HEY! Why not?!" He said > aloud. ALICIA: Because it's villain custom to send your useless goons after the heroes. > "If I was to get rid of them myself, I could dispose of the > competition afterwards!" SERVO: [Dark Sonic] Then I could force all manufacturers to sign exclusive contracts, and I'd *really* rule the world! > He smiled to himself as thoughts of what he'd do > to Pippkin and Razar came to mind. He chuckled. "Sonic, Ol'pal, you out do > yourself sometimes." He said aloud. CROW: [Dark Sonic] Yup, I'm da man! ALICIA: [Dr Forrester] I'M A NAUGHTY BOY! NAUGHTY NAUGHTY... MIKE: ... Alicia, don't do that. ALICIA: ... oh, right, sorry about that. TIM: ...I don't know you. > > (Jungle) SERVO: [Singing] In the Jungle, the mighty jungle, the audience sleeps tonight... > Gaku, a small cheetah cub, slowly inched his way out from the trees. MIKE: Have we seen this character before? CROW: I seem to have a faint recollection. > His > eyes focused in on his prey, a small grey mouse. TIM: Jonathan Brisby, NO! > He smiled to himself > as he stalked the creature. He had remembered everything he had been taught: > Stay downwind, remain silent, MIKE: Clean skin before applying. > and stay low to the ground. The mouse was > close, he was as good as dead. CROW: Jerry was close... I could smell him. > Suddenly the wind shifted so that Gaku was > UPWIND of the mouse. The mouse was alerted to his presence and began to > run. ALICIA: I have a feeling this isn't the first time he's foiled by wind. > Gaku gave chase. The mouse ducked into a hole in the ground and Gaku > rushed by, unable to slow down. TIM: And right off a cliff. Oh, the Komedy! CROW: That's what you get for using worn brake pads. > The cub tried to stop, but ended up > tripping. He tumbled adn slammed head first into a tree. ALICIA: The Farelly Brothers' "Wild America". > > (Screaming Eagle-Crew Quarters) > Trey awoke with a jerk. CROW: [Trey] Hey, what's this jerk doing in my bed? TIM: [Trey] ...aw, man! I went home with *you*? > He looked around, panting and covered in sweat. SERVO: [Trey] Oh God. No more rodent pizzas before going to sleep. > He > put his paw to his forehead and laid his head back down on his pillow. It > was another of those dreams. TIM: *Those* dreams? ALICIA: [Trey] Why did I have to end up in a universe where bars have no age checks? > They had started three nights ago when he, > David, and Alicia had first been brought to the Net World by the Ellimnist. CROW: For the readers that missed the first part of the story, we kindly offer this recap. > Everytime it was a similar dream. He was his character Gaku, mentally as > well as physically. SERVO: Well, I have to say that brings a whole new meaning to taking a catnap. ALICIA: [thwaps Tom over his dome] > Everytime he was in some kind of African enviroment. MIKE: Oh no, he's doppling into Rick's Cafe again. ALICIA: So, when does Trey get Interface? > And he awoke the same way everytime, sweating, out of breath, and not sure > whether he was still dreaming or back in reality. CROW: [Trey] Man, I sure woke up on the wrong side of reality this morning. > At first he had chalked > it all up as a possible side-effect to being changed into his MUCK character > , but now he was wondering if it wasn't something more. MIKE: After all, he has so much experience of these things. > After a short while > of ponderign this, he decided to go talk to Alicia and David. Maybe they > could shed some light on his situation. SERVO: After all, *they* have so much experience of these things. > > (Bridge) TIM: More of a canasta buff, myself, but okay... > The doors opened and Trey walked in. David was sitting at the helm and > Alicia was at the science station. TIM: SCIENCE! CROW: [Alicia] Cool! Now I'm doing *science*, too! MIKE: On the com-pu-tor! > Alicia nodded in his direction as he > walked in. MIKE: [David] Your "crewless auto-pilot" need adjusting. Now, get me some more caffeine. > The cheetah cub walked over and hopped into the seat next to > the cat-girl's. > > "What are you doing?" Trey asked. CROW: [Alicia] Well, I'm trying to make these lights here blink in a more science-ish way... > > Alicia pressed a few buttons. "Gathering information about this universe." SERVO: [Alicia] There! All done! ALICIA: [Trey] You've found a Weiss Kreuz site. And? > > Trey looked at teh screen and read what was on it. ALICIA: [Trey] Is *that* who really had a crush on you in high school? > > "Seems that any and everything ever put on the net exists here. CROW: So, this is that 404 place I've heard so much about. > Every > story comes true, but is most likely undone by another story." The cat-girl > continued. SERVO: For each plot point, there is an equal and opposite plot hole. > > "Whoah, Freaky. CROW: The kind of place you don't take home to mother. > Hey Alicia?" Trey asked. > > "Yeah?" Alicia responded. MIKE: [Trey] You *are* making this up on the spot, aren't you? > > "I was wondering, have you or David had any weird dreams about your > characters since we arrived here?" He asked. [TIM gets ready to say something, promptly silenced by ALICIA's glare.] SERVO: [Alicia] Say, that's a rather personal question. > > Alicia shook her head. "Weird dreams? Nope, I haven't. David?" > > David looked over at the two. "I haven't had any weird dreams. Why do you > ask?" ALICIA: [Trey] Well, because I'm the one who has to clean the covers. > > "Because I've been having some. It's freaking me out. They feel like those > 'prediction' dreams I used to have a while back." Trey stated. > > "Prediction dreams?" David asked. TIM: Yeah. You know, when characters have dreams that conveniently predict the entire plot. It's a famous and time-honored plot device, dating all the way back to Greek theater! > Trey nodded. "Yeah, every now and then I'd have a dream about something > happening at school or on the bus. And then the events would ACTUALLY > happen within a week." MIKE: [Trey] Of course, I got wedgies on the school bus even when I didn't dream about it, but the principle still applies. > > Alicia looked down at him. "Kind of a ESP type deal?" SERVO: Definitely an Excessively Stupid Plot deal. TIM: [Alicia] Can you use it to learn to play a guitar? > > Trey shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know. They would only occur maybe once > or twice a year, but even then, it was always something important that > happened. I can't help but wonder if these dreams lately are some kind of > foreshadowing or something." CROW: He turns into a cheetah cub and then he dreams about being a cheetah cub. That's foreshadowing, all right. > > "Or maybe you and Gaku acted so much like each other at times that your > brain waves were in tune." Alicia joked. MIKE: As long as Keifer Sutherland doesn't show up with a syringe, that's fine with me. > > A beeping sound came from David's console. TIM: (David) Alright, the curly fries are almost done. > He began pushing buttons. ALICIA: Hey, stop playing "Simon" when you're supposed to be flying the plane! > > "What is it?" trey asked, walking over to the helm controls. CROW: [Dave] I can't stand these lights anymore! They're *blinking* and *beeping* and *flashing*... MIKE: Thanks for not going for the obvious reference here, Crow. > > David continued pushing buttons. "Power flux in the engine core." SERVO: Yes, I know. It's *supposed* to have electrons coming in and out of it. > > Trey arched his eyebrow. "Impossible. The Screaming Eagle was designed to > keep that kind of stuff from NOT happening." MIKE: And after all, it has such an infallible designer. > > David shrugged. "No machine's perfect. Not even IRC ones. ALICIA: Yes, IRC, the standard by which perfection is measured. > I'm gonna land us and see if I can find what the problem is." He > pushed a few more buttons TIM: (Trey) No, David, that's the espresso machine... > and the Eagle began it's descent. CROW: Well, I guess that's one word for "plummet". > > From a distance, on a cliff, Dark Soic smiled. SERVO: Meanwhile, bogon flux in the narrative core had caused irreparable damage to the spell checker. > So far his plan was working > perfectly. MIKE: A hedgehog, a plan, a canal -- Dark Sonic. > His energy blast disrupted the Eagle's core and was forcing it > to land. He chuckled and began to make his way to ground level. > > (Jungle clearing) SERVO: [weather reporter] The weather is clearing up in the jungle today. However, the characterization is still foggy, and the plot has snowed in. > The hatch opened and David, Alicia, and Trey stepped out. They looked > around. CROW: [Alicia] Isn't there supposed to be a set or something? You know, description? ALICIA: [Dave] Nah, the director will fill this with stock footage. > > "Well, we know one thing." David started. "According to the computerm > something fired on us." SERVO: "Computerm"? CROW: I had a great joke about a DEC VT-220 planned, but nobody would get it. MIKE: Remember, kids, this is science fiction, so you get to make up your very own technical words! TIM: Wonder if Computerm runs on CLULESS. > > "Which means something out here is after the Eagle, or maybe even us." > Alicia stated. ALICIA: With such powers of observation, shouldn't she be the counselor and not the science officer? > > "So how long before we can restart the engines?" Trey asked. CROW: I bet even in an alternate reality, they still keep you waiting weeks for parts on back order. > > "At least two hours. Whatever caused the flux really messed up the system." > Alicia replied. "Anyone up for a nature hike?" SERVO: [Alicia] I'm sure that when we come back, everything will have magically repaired itself. > > David shrugged. "Nothing else to do." CROW: It's not as if someone is after our ship and we'd need to watch it. > > The trio began their hike. The hatch to the Eagle closed as they left. TIM: [David] Wait, who has the keys-- D'OH! > After a short while, they came to the edge of the jungle. MIKE: So, this is in the jungle, the *weenie* jungle. SERVO: Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here every day... > In front of them, > and down a small hill, was a wide open savannah, All three authors looked > in aw. ALL: Aaaaaaww! > > "Have you ever seen something so majestic before?" David asked. "Land left > untouched by man and only changed by God himself." MIKE: Well, Tim Berners-Lee, anyway. > "Oh give me a break. A couple of Bulldozers, a few casinos, and a mall or > two, and this place would look a LOT better." A voice said. ALICIA: But fortunately, Captain Planet and his Planeteers were there to rescue the world from the clutches of the evil Looten Plunder! > > The authors turned and gasped. > > "NO FREAKIN' WAY!" Trey exclaimed. TIM: [Fred] DON KNOTTS! > > "Yes Way!" Dark Sonic replied. ALICIA: You know, if I had to make a list of what makes a great villain, I don't think "stealing lines from Keanu Reeves" would be one of the first items. > "I hope you all enjoyed your little stay > here, because you'll be leaving shortly. IN A BODY BAG!" He fired a blast, > which the trio dodged. CROW: So, where do you go when you get blasted on the net? SERVO: Geocities. > > "Figures! If everything here comes from the net, he'd be here." Alicia > stated. CROW: I remember how most stories were undone by other stories, and it's funny how *this* character wasn't contradicted by anything else. > > David leaped out of the way as Dark Sonic launched a fireball at him. TIM: Yes, dodge the area effect spell! > "Take cover!" MIKE: [David] Do you have any covers I could hide under? > > The three authors ran from the black hedgehog, trying to avoid his energy > blasts. > > "Alicia! I've got an idea!" Trey shouted. TIM: Duck and Cover? > > "What is it?" She replied. > > "You and David were changed into your characters Lynxara and Star Mech, > right? MIKE: I have the feeling this is some sort of trick question. > Don't they both have powers too?" He asked. > > David blinked. "HEY! He's right!" SERVO: How nice of the author to point that out to us! > He pulled out a familiar transformation > pen and stopped running. CROW: Well, the pen *is* mightier than the sword. > "STAR MECH POWER UP!" ALICIA: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL! > In a flash of light David > transformed. TIM: Just so long as there's no nude henshin sequences.... > Alicia and Trey rubbed their eyes and saw that David was now > fully clad in the Star Mech armor. CROW: Considering his normal attire, I guess that's something like Madonna's conical bra outfit. TIM: [winces] Great, he turned into Specter. > He grinned evily and said in a metallic > voice, "Let's get it on." SERVO: David Gonterman *is* Mills Lane in "Unknown Nobody Deathmatch"! > > Dark Sonic stopped when he confronted the trio. He smiled revealing his > fangs. TIM: [nerdy] Grr! I'm a vampire! ALICIA: Actually, that's just the glue in his dentures that's loosened. > "Not gonna run anymore? Good. I love fights." MIKE: [Dark Sonic] I enjoy allowing my enemies easy shots at defeating me! > he charged at Star > Mech and the two began going at it. SERVO: [worried] Mike, should we be watching this? MIKE: Not really, no. > Mech landed a powerful punch, sending > the Hedgehog backwards. Mech grabbed Him by the throat and picked him up, > choking the hedgehog. TIM: Yes, the boffo mystical Dark Sonic is perfectly willing to resort to fisticuffs! > But Sonic had a card up his sleeve so to speak. He > unloaded a powerful burst of energy firectly into Star Mech's face and > chest, sending the hero backwards into a tree. Sonic didn't smile for long > though, a chi blast slammed into his back. MIKE: You really shouldn't aim your chi blasts at others. They might catch your cold. > He turned to see Alicia, her > hands glowing with energy. He smiled. SERVO: [Dark Sonic] I thought you were Dale. TIM: [blinks] Umm, how'd she...? > > "Ooo, guts. I like that in a woman." he said licking his lips. MIKE: Well, it sure beats having no intestines at all. CROW: I wouldn't say that - have you seen Callista Flockheart? > > Alicia growled and unloaded blast after blast into the hedgehog's face. TIM: ...when did Lynxara learn how to do this, Alicia? ALICIA: Right about the time Trey decided that doing research was for the WEAK. > Sonic staggered and fell to the ground. SERVO: Sonny? You're free to be a menacing, powerful villain any time now. > > "Sorry, but I'm not interested." The cat-girl stated. She fired off another > blast, but it seemed to be absorbed into some type of shield surrounding > Sonic. TIM: The awesome might of Absorbing Senior. > > "Don't you just love reflect spells?" Sonic said mockingly. ALICIA: [Dark Sonic] Am I being coy enough, yet? > He released > the energy back at Alicia, sending her backwards. He then delivered a > powerful blast of black magic, sending her to the ground. MIKE: Dark Sonic Deliveries: When you absolutely *have* to blast your enemy on time. > He looked around, > confused, and scratched his head. "I thought there were three." CROW: [Dark Sonic] But then I remembered about Chico. > > Suddenly, Trey leapt off a tree branch and latched onto the hedgehog's > face. He began ripping away with his claws and teeth. TIM: Awww, chibi death. Oh, for wai. > Sonic grabbed the > small feline and pulled him off. David and Alicia slowly began to get > back to their feet. ALICIA: The sad thing is, if this had been wrestling the cat thing would have worked. > > "Naughty, Naughty," Dark Sonic said to Trey. ALICIA: [Dark Sonic] No biscuit. > > "NO!" Alicia shouted as she saw Dark Sonic begin to unload thousands of > volts of electricity into her friend. ALICIA: So, he rubbed Trey's fur. > Trey screamed and writhed in agony. > Dark Sonic stopped though when he heard a gun click. CROW: Isn't it the *villains* who are supposed to cock their gun and never fire? MIKE: Nah. If Star Mech had been the villain, he would have cocked his gun, shouted "Hey, Sonic!" and *then* never fired. > He turned to see Star > Mech aiming the crescent shooter at him, the Imperium Silver Crystal on > the end of the crescent moon shaped barrel. ALICIA: I don't know about you, but I can think of better shapes for a gun barrel than "boomerang." > Trey's body went limp as the > electrocution stopped. > > "Drop the cat," Star Mech demanded. TIM: ... and no one gets hurt? SERVO: [Star Mech] And never point a loaded cat at a self-insertion character again! > "And why should I do that?" he asked in a nonchalant tone. "that puny toy > won't hurt me. In fact, I think I'll destroy you two and keep this critter > here for my own amusement." TIM: [Dark Sonic] I think I'll dress him in a little sweater! > his body began to glow with black energy. SERVO: I see, he's coal-powered. TIM: (snickers) A *black glow*... > > Alicia and David got a little worried. They knew what Dark Sonic was about > to do. MIKE: However, they didn't feel it was important to share this information with the readers. > David sneered and the crescent shooter began to draw in massive > amounts of pure energy. Both the gun's and Sonic's glows continued to grow. CROW: They really should switch to the new compact magic rods. ALICIA: Yeah, mana-guzzling like that can't be good for the environment *or* your wallet. > David would have to time this just right. He didn't want to think about > what would happen if he messed this up. SERVO: * StarMech has quit (star.mech.org dark.sonic.com) * Lynxara has quit (star.mech.org dark.sonic.com) * Gaku has quit (star.mech.org dark.sonic.com) TIM: ...how did you do that? > > "ENDLESS....." Dark Sonic began. > > "MOON PRISM...." Star Mech said at the same time. MIKE: Let's tell each other what we're gonna do and then *do* it! CROW: You know, I've never realized the tactical advantage of telling your opponent exactly what attack you're going to perform next. > > "NIGHT!" > "SHOCKWAVE!" MIKE: Unfortunately for David, Dark Sonic hadn't downloaded the plugin. > > Both Dark Sonic and Star Mech released their energies at the same > moment. SERVO: This is a scene from the little-known anime series, Dragonball Zzzzzz. > The two powers slammed together, resulting in a tremendous blast. CROW: Warning! This is not actual Anime! Had this been a scene from some actual anime, the female character would have shown her breasts by now. ALICIA: No, this is only Pointless Fight Scene yet. It's at least two scenes to Gratuitous Fanservice. > Everything went dark for the group. MIKE: Fade to black! Commercial break. > + > + > + CROW: Huh? What is this? MIKE: Some sort of additional remark, I would guess. > + > + TIM: Or it could just be a blatant attempt at padding the story. > + ALICIA: [singing] You've got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive... > + > + CROW: You know, some fanfics can justify showing a whole page of plusses. This is *not* one of them. > + SERVO: Uh, Trey? I think you've got the wrong idea of the C++ language. > + MIKE: It's the world's hardest math problem. > + > + > + CROW: Strange... My modem should have disconnected by now. > + > + SERVO: See, this is a fundamental difference between movies and prose. ALICIA: Why's that? SERVO: When we watch a movie, we usually can't tell when the director fell asleep at the chair. > + MIKE: [somberly] An array of crosses was raised today to honor the victims of the great story meltdown of 1999... > + SERVO: You know, this is still more exciting to watch than "Meet Joe Black". > + CROW: ^X^C :q :q!! q quit Z end ^C exit How the hell do you quit this stinking editor?? > Alicia opened her eyes and rubbed her head. SERVO: Yeah, I had time to take a nap during that break, too. TIM: [Alicia] Man... did I get really neko last night?... > She didn't know what had > happened, but she knew something had. MIKE: I don't know why, but the word "xyzzy" suddenly pops into my mind. > She looked around. The surrounding > area was scorched beyond recognition. SERVO: Yes, that *is* an indication that something has happened. > Star Mech lay motionless, except for > his breathing, a short ways off, as did Dark Sonic. Both of them were > literally at Ground Zero. She kicked the Hedgehog, but got no response. MIKE: Oh, *that's* a wise move. ALICIA: [Lynxara] Hey, wake up! You forgot to kill me! > She then went over to Star Mech and gasped. His visor was shattered, the > armor was cracked and busted, and the suit was burned. This shocked the > cat-girl. SERVO: Leaving the monkey unharmed. > The Star Mech armor was supposed to be almost impervious to > everything, but then it dawned on her. ALICIA: [Lynxara] How the heck do you get out of an impenetrable suit of armor? > While Kronos was as powerful as heck, David Gonterman was still just human. > David had been changed the least when they were brought to the Net World. CROW: So, even in real life, he still wears that mardi gras costume? > He was only given the Star Mech transformation pen. The armor was always in > sync with it's user, SERVO: Justin Timberlake. > and David was just now using the power for the first > time ever. It had probably taken alot out of him, and the armor. MIKE: I think wearing a tin can in the middle of the African savannah would be quite an effort for most people. > > "Now to check on Trey" She said to herself. She looked around. Where WAS > Trey? TIM: [Alicia] o/` Where, oh where has my little Trey gone. o/` CROW: Can *you* spot Trey in this picture? If you can't, turn to page 25. > Then she saw them. Small paw prints in the ashes that used to be the > ground. SERVO: But now were the sky, for some reason. > They were heading back towards the savannah. "He must've wandered > off in a daze..." MIKE: Gaku *is* Tom Snooze in "Daze of Blunder". > She thought. Then she saw Dark Sonic begin to move. Uh > oh. David was still out. What to do? TIM: [Narrator] *YOU* make the call! > Leave David and try to find Trey? Or > grab David and get back to the Eagle? ALICIA: [Lynxara] Super-powerful armor, useless kitten... Shucks, I just can't decide what would help us the most! > She knew her powers weren't fully > devolped yet, ALICIA: She should have gone to one of those 30-minute photo labs. > for she to had just used them for the first time, and she > wasn't much of a match for Dark Sonic at the moment. SERVO: [Lynxara] Sorry, but a Leo such as you will never fit with a Virgo like me. > She lowered her head > and said a prayer for her missing friend. SERVO: [Lynxara] Farewell, and may you rest with Snivley, Iago, and that Asian guy who was with Ator in Cave Dwellers in the heaven of utterly useless sidekicks. > She > then picked David up, which was a sinch with her enhanced strength, and made > a break for the Eagle. MIKE: Catgirl - the quicker picker-upper! CROW: Now available with enhanced strength! > Dark Sonic got back up moments later and saw that he > was alone. TIM: [Dark Sonic, sulking] Nobody likes me... > He cursed to himself and then vanished in a flash of black fire. SERVO: [Dark Sonic] KLTPZYXM... D'oh! > > Elsewhere, a small cheetah cub was limping towards the edge of the jungle. > His fur was singed in some areas and he was limping slightly on his front > right paw. CROW: You know, it's a good thing this is just a generic cheetah cub. ALICIA: Yeah, I'd be worried if it was Gaku who was limping like that. > He came to a small hill. The cub's eyelids hung heavily and he > was short of breath. He collapsed and slid down the hill. CROW: He's falling down that road, he's falling down that hill with no problem. > It remained still > ocne it stopped at the hill's bottom. SERVO: The hills are alive with the sound of bad grammar. > > Alicia carried David into the Screaming Eagle's infirmary and laid him down > on the examining table. ALICIA: [Washu] And here we have This Device! (tm) > To her surprise, the Star Mech armor began > repairing itself and then vanished in a flash of light. MIKE: Your invincible armor has now expired. Please insert 25 cents for an additional five minutes of invincible Star Mech armor operation. > She programmed > the computer to begin a scan of David. CROW: If they would do that to Gaku, would that make it a CAT-scan? TIM [glances over at Crow]: ...die. > He was ok, except for his leg. It > was dislocated. He began to move his head. SERVO: [Star Mech] Oww... How did my leg wind up on top of my head? > > "Oh man, anyone catch the guy that ran me over with a semi?" He asked, > somewhat out of it. CROW: Yeah, but Senator Kennedy got away with a fine. > He looked at where he was. "What happened?" > > "We found out who'd win between the Shockwave and Endless night. For now > it's a tie." Alicia stated. MIKE: Then you didn't really find out who'd win, did you? > > "Where's Trey?" He asked. > ALICIA: [Lynxara] Dead. No wait, that came out wrong... > The cat-girl shrugged her shoulders. "Apparently he staggered off somewhere. > It was either leave you alone with Dark Sonic, or bring you here." CROW: Here to explain more about boolean logic are Beakman and Bill Nye. > > "WHAT?!" David shouted as he jerked upright. "You left him out there with > that looney?!" ALICIA: [Dave] I demand that you un-save my life right this minute! > > "I HAD NO CHOICE! OK?!" Alicia shouted in frustration. "Do you know what > he would have done to you if he had got ahold of you when you were out?!" MIKE: [Dave] Even though there has been no actual backstory or characterization of him, he's *mocking* us! He *has* to be bad! SERVO: This is the "Don't ask, don't tell" school of characterization. > > "The same thing he'll do to Trey when he finds him!" David replied. He > leaped off the bed, but his left lug gave out beneath him. "Son of a...." TIM: [Dave] D'oh! My hernia! ALICIA: Why's he lugging stuff around if his leg is bad? > > Alicia ran over and helped David back onto the bed. > Your not going anywhere, Davie-kins. SERVO: Well, neither is this story. > Not till your leg is fixed. He'll > be ok. You'll see." > > David rubbed his temples. MIKE: The Parthenon immediately crumbled. > "I hope you're right. He's a good kid, I > just hope nothing bad happens to him." > > (Jungle Edge/Savannah) CROW: At least it's not a Dawson's Creek/Savannah crossover. > The cheetah cyb awoke as he felt a large paw nudging him. He opened > his eyes and looked up to see a large cat, a lion, standing in front of > him. TIM: [Lion] Hrmm... a small, fuzzy potato. > A warthog anda meerkat had apparently accompanied the lion. ALICIA: ...a Dawson's Creek/Savannah crossover would be looking *good* right now. > > "Hey, are you ok?" The lion asked. > > "I don't really know," teh cub replied weakly. > > The warthog looked at him. "What's your name, kid?" CROW: Billy. > > The cub blinkd as if tryign to remember. "G-Gaku" he said unsuredly. SERVO: Wow, this guy is so confused that the typing is getting infected. > > "I don't, guys." The meerkat said. "First that gigantic bird, then those > weird lights in the jungle, CROW: Oh, that's just the rest of the Sesame Street crew explaining what the colors are called. > and now a cheetah who looks like he's been in > a war. If you ask me, something funny is going on here." TIM: Some*thing* on... Saturn-3. MIKE: Too bad we can't say the same about this story's comedy relief. > > The lion nodded. "I know what you mean. Listen, I want you two to take > Gaku back home. ALICIA: [Lion] We could be more cautious about taking home a complete stranger, but we have a quota of wish fulfillment in this story. > He might be somehow connected to all this, and if he is, > I want to know how. I'm going to go check out the jungle and investigate > those weird lights." MIKE: [Lion] And if someone finds out how I made the leap of logic from cheetah cubs to bright lights, please let me know. > > The warthog snorted and the meerkat gave a military salute of sorts. CROW: Um, Trey, I don't think that's what that gesture means... > The lion looked back down at Gaku. TIM: [Lion] Ahh... fresh meat! > > "My friends are going to take you somewhere safe for now, ok?" SERVO: [Lion] Take care of him well, ifyaknowwhatImean. Giv'im a new pair of concrete shoes. > > Gaku nodded weakly. The warthog scooped him up with his tusks and began > making his way out into the savannah. The lion went on into the jungle. CROW: [Lion] Well, see you, because I'm *out* of this stupid crossover. > > (Eagle) > David bent his leg back and forth. MIKE: He's adopted the powers of the mighty Plastic Man! > It had taken the computer's medical > devices a matter of minutes to fix his leg. CROW: Unfortunately, a mishap made the medical equipment "fix" the rest of him, as well. > Alicia was now on the bridge > tryign to locate Trey on the sensors. He got up and made his way in that > direction. MIKE: Take it to the bridge, Davey. > Alicia slammed her fist on the console. ALICIA: [herself] Gimme my Snickers, dammit! > > "DAMNIT!" she cried out. "Stupid machine!" > > "What's wrong?" David asked. CROW: [Alicia] This General Protection Fault guy keeps reading my hard drive! > > Alicia gestured at the screen. "This stupid think says it can't > locate Trey. SERVO: Well, don't program it to look for his characterization, then. > There's to much interference coming from where we fought > Dark Sonic. MIKE: [sighs] Using that tired plot device should give at least a two minute penalty. > trey's out there somewhere and we can't even find him." > > "How about searching on foot?" David asked. SERVO: This is supposed to be the net world. Can't they just type "Gaku" into Altavista or something? TIM: You'd end up finding lots of porn shops as well, though. > > Alicia nodded. "Guess that's our only choice for now." ALICIA: [herself] It's not as if we have some way to get a better overview from the air. > > The two got up and left the bridge. > > (Jungle clearing) > David and Alicia walked into the clearing now burned by the effects of > their battle with Dark Sonic. MIKE: They were surprised to find a group of Brazilians had already begun a strip-mining operation there. > They yelled out Trey's name but got no response. CROW: Except for Cartman and Stan showing up a few times. > Alicia looked up. SERVO: [Alicia] At a night this dark you can see servers getting slashdotted. > It was getting to dark to do anything else. > Soon it would be pitch black. ALICIA: There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here. > Luckily, her eyes worked just as well at > night, as in the day. MIKE: An amazing power she shared with Stevie Wonder. TIM: Her Super Fangirl Vision also allowed her to see through clothing. > > "No sign of him." David said bluntly. > > Alicia shook her head. "It's getting to dark to keep searching. CROW: [Alicia] Even though my night vision was established two sentences ago. > But I > don't want to give up just yet." ALICIA: [herself] Although I'm still not clear about why we're looking for a kitten who couldn't help us in any way instead of trying to find a way out of this alien environment. > > David sighed. "Maybe the interference will have cleared up in the morning. SERVO: Random pseudo-scientific plot devices have a way of doing that. > There isn't anything else we can do tonight Alicia. He's probably already > found him someplace to spend the night." TIM: [Dave] So, let's order out. Domino's? > > Alicia nodded in defeat her head. She didn't like the fact that her > friend was out there somewhere, and she couldn't do a thing about it. CROW: [to Alicia] He's your *friend* now? ALICIA: ... look, I know Trey's a weird kid, but he's not that bad... > They turned and began the trip back to teh Eagle. They had no idea a pair > of catlike eyes watched them from the shadows. MIKE: Eyes without a face, got no human grace. TIM: "'Ello folks! This is Satan! You enjoying tha fic so far? Well, see yas later folks!" > --------------------------- > Gaku awoke again to find himself in a cave. Across the cave, there was a > group of lionesses talking. SERVO: [Lioness] I like Bengali... he's just not a dancer. > > *FLASH* ALL: AA-AAAH! > A group of highschoolers sitting in a library and talking. Discussing the > latest news. MIKE: Tom? Are you switching channels again? SERVO: Well, can you blame me for wanting to watch Saved By the Bell instead of this fanfic? > > Gaku shook his head. He had no idea where that image came from, but > for some reason it seemed familiar. ALICIA: That's usually the case with stock footage, yes. > One of the lionesses looked in his > direction. Her eyes grew wide and she said something to the others. MIKE: [Lioness] OK, do we give him a wedgie, a wet willy, or the dreaded rear admiral? > She then left the cave. The other two went back to talking, occasionaly > glancing at him. > > Gaku covered his head with his paws. ALICIA: [Gaku] Ha, ha! You can't see me! > He had a headache and for some > reason he couldn't remember anything about himself except his name and > the events after he stumbled out of the jungle. TIM: [Ben Murphy] I was just wondering "What the hell happened to me?" CROW: Don't worry. That's more than we would be able to recap of the plot. > A few mintues later, the > first lioness returned. The lion Gaku had talked with the night before > was with her. Gaku noted the thick red mane and the respect the others > in the cave showed the lion. MIKE: It's Katey Sagal! > He approached Gaku and sat down. > > "So," The lion started. TIM: [Lion] How about those Cubs, huh? > What brought you out to the savannah all by yourself so late last night?" SERVO: [Gaku] Uh, it's my natural habitat? MIKE: What, fanboying? SERVO: Exactly. > > Gaku shrugged. "I honestly don't know." > > "You don't know?" the lion asked. MIKE: But do you *know* you don't know you don't know? > > Gaku shook his head. "No, I don't. I don't even remember anything about > anything BEFORE last night." > > "Nothing? Where you live? Yoru family?" The lion continued. ALICIA: [Gaku] Actually, when you wake up after a kegger like mine, you don't *want* to know about where you live or your parents. > > "Nothing at all. It's as if something is blocking portions of my mind from > me." Gaku said weakly. TIM: Oh, they installed cyberpatrol on him. > > "Hmm, interesting." the lion said. "Come with me." MIKE: [Lion] We're taking you to our detox center. > > Gaku got up and followed the lion out of the cave. He still limped on his > right front paw somewhat. The moment they walked out of the cave, Gaku > saw that they were on a very large rock formation and high above the > ground. He panicked. CROW: It's the floating island! ALICIA: Any minute now, Knuckles is going to enter and kick his butt. > The lion saw this. > > "You ok?" he asked. > > *FLASH* ALL: AA-AAAH! > A city. TIM: [Tick] *My* A City! > Tall towers and building looming in the horizon. MIKE: Ooops, mixed up the story with my holiday snaps again. > > Gaku shook his head again. Somehow these images were connected to him. CROW: [Gaku] I see now! The holy prophet has ordered me to raze this savannah and build a mall! > He just didn't know how. The lion gave him a questioning look. Gaku got > back up to his feet and the lion lead him to a small outcropping rock. ALICIA: [Lion] Ok, this is where we play a little game called "walk the plank." TIM: [Gaku] I don't know... I just thought Cosmo Canyon would be cooler, is all... > > "Now, take a look at teh area. See if anything jogs your memory." the > lion stated. CROW: Hey, it's the stock footage left over from The Leech Woman! > > Gaku looked out from the rock's edge. He could see the entire savannah > and many things beyond it, even the jungle. ALICIA: [Gaku] Cool! What a place to hawk a loogie on someone! > > "Anything coming back?" the lion asked. CROW: Only my dinner. > > Gaku shook his head. "No, nothing." > > The lion "hmmm"ed to himself. ALICIA: [Lion] Dammit, I just can't get that Eiffel 65 "Blue" song out of my head! > Just then, a small blue hornbill flew over. > TIM: Incoming Cartoon Komedy Relief. > "Good morning, sire." the bird said. ALICIA: Ooh! I get it, this is the cast of The Lion King! What a shocking development! MIKE: Yes, we have to compliment Trey on his subtle foreshadowing leading to this moment. > > "Good morning, Zazu. I need you to do something for me." the lion said. ALICIA: [Lion] Bite me. > "Go and tell Rafiki I will be bringing a small cheetah by in a short > while. CROW: [Lion] I'm taking him in for repairs, and I don't want to hear that he's out of spare parts again. > Tell him I think that he might somehow be connected to last > night's occurences." TIM: [Lion] He's got an exceptionally high midichlorian rate, as well. > > The bird bowed. "At once." He then flew off. > > (Screaming Eagle) ALICIA: We interrupt this fanboying for a brief word from those who are not the author. > Alicia sat down at the sensor controls, a cup of coffee in her hand. SERVO: We secretly replaced the plot with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if the readers notice any difference! > She had a hard time getting to sleep that night. Dark Sonic's reputation > had haunted her dreams as did the thought of what he might be doing to her > friend if he found him. She began typing in commands. MIKE: [Alicia] Sit! Stay! Good computer! > Hopefully the > risiduals had cleared up since the night before. She smiled they had. TIM: Well, so much for drama there. CROW: Yes, her new cleaner makes everything sparkle without leaving any residue! > She instantly began tying in commands to scan the areas. ALICIA: [herself] OK, whose idea was the knitting-operated computer? > This was going > to take a while. ALICIA: I wonder whose area they'll scan this time. > > (Savannah) > Gaku and the lion walked along the open area. CROW: ...I'm sorry for asking. > Gaku was still favoring his > right paw, and the lion noticed it. > > "Does it hurt?" he asked. MIKE: [Gaku] No, I'm just trying out for the role of Torgo in Manos II. > > "Only when I apply pressure to it." Gaku responded. ALICIA: [Groucho Marx] Then don't do that, kid! > > Up ahead was a large balboa tree. As they got closer, teh cub could see > that something had made it's home in the tree. SERVO: It's Stallone, hiding in embarrassment from "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!" > The lion "knocked" on the > tree with his paw. Gaku arched an eyebrow as head heard a voice he couldn't > place shout out, "COMING! Just give me a minute!" CROW: ...We must have wandered into The *Loin* King by mistake. > Moments later, an > elderly Mandrill poked it's head out from the branches. TIM: [Mandrill] HOW ARE YA!?! BOTS: AAAAH! SERVO: Don't *do* that! > > "Why, it's you m'boy!" The mandrill said. > > The lion chuckled. "Hello, Rafiki. I brought this cheetah cub here to see > you." CROW: [Lion] Don't you think you'll make just a lovely couple? > > Rafkiki laughed and made his way down to the ground. he looked at the > two felines. "So Zazu tells me. Come in, both of you." MIKE: So... Exactly which way is "in" for a tree? TIM: He's renting Slappy Squirrel's winter home. > > (Dark Sonic's fortress) > Dark Sonic was angry. he had underestimated the authors. ALICIA: Considering this story, that's a pretty hard thing to do. > Plus, he had > to cast another healing spell to take care of those teeth and claw marks > on his face. CROW: [Dark Sonic] OK, I admit it - maybe killer tomatoes don't make such great pets after all. > He wasn't about to give up though. No, that battle was far > from over. Already he was formulating a plan to take them down. Divide > and conquer. ALICIA: Yeah, long division really brings me down. CROW: [Dark Sonic] Math is hard! > Yes, that would would. He'd start off with the cat-girl. SERVO: So, he's putting Alicia In Chains? TIM: Nah, that was covered by my evil twin already. ALICIA: ... did you really need to bring that up? > He chuckled evily to himself. ALICIA: [Krankor] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. > > (Rafiki's abode) > Rafiki looked around at his herbs and other items of healing. TIM: [Rafiki] Come, child, I shall share with you my secret chicken recipe. > Gaku > sat in the corner alongside the lion. MIKE: Apparently, Rafiki made his home in the rare African TARDIS tree. > > "So, Gaku," The mandrill began. "Simba tells me that you have no > recollection of anything besides your name. Is that true?" CROW: [Rafiki] We need to elect a representative for congress, and that would make you the ideal candidate. > > Gaku nodded. "Yeah, everything else is a blank." He looked at all the > paintings on the branches and "walls". ALICIA: [Gaku] Wow, stucco. Lots of it! > > Rafiki walked over and picked up the cub. He put his hand on Gaku's > forehead. MIKE: [Rafiki] OK, your white blood cell count seems normal. > "No fever." He then placed his hand over Gaku's heart and > counted silently to himself. TIM: [Gaku] ...good, good. So, how's your prostate nowadays? > "Heartbeat normal." Tell me, have you > experienced any stange mental images?" ALICIA: Well, I had this bad dream about my spell checker exploding... > > Gaku nodded. "Yeah! I Have!" > > Rafiki laughed then tossed the cheetah into the air and caught him. > "Well, that explains everything!" ALICIA: [Rafiki] You are what is scientifically known as nutso! > > Simba looked at Rafiki. "It does?" > > Rafiki nodded. "Yes, our cheetah friend here is suffering from a small > case of amnesia." CROW: Remembering only your name is "a small case"? > > The lion looked confused. "Amnesia?" SERVO: No, thank you, already have some. > > "Aye, a powerful blow to the head," He thumped Gaku playfully on the > head. "Is the most likely culprit. MIKE: It's also the most likely explanation for this story. > Fortunately, Gaku here will recover. > Those images he keeps seeing are his memories slowly resurfacing." > > Gaku rubbed his head. "How long will it take for my memories to come > back fully?" ALICIA: Well, that depends on how fast your swap space is. > > Rafiki shrugged. "There's no telling. THe more you do that's familiar, > the faster the recovery." MIKE: [Rafiki] So just keep being a badly defined author avatar, and everything will be all right. > He patted the cub on the head and smiled. He > then slapped his own forehead. TIM: [Homer] D'oh! > "ACK! I almost forgot! I need to take a > look at that paw of yours." SERVO: [Rafiki] Then I need to take a look at your memory loss. > He lifted Gaku's paw and examined it. He > then pressed on the pads on the bottom. "This hurt?" ALICIA: This little hurt went to market, this little hurt went home... > > Gaku shook his head 'no'. > > Rafiki then pressed against the top of the paw, Gaku still shook his > head 'no'. Rafiki then finally pressed on the joint. SERVO: [Rakiki] There, *this* should break it. > > "REEEEEOW!!!" Gaku screamed in pain. > > Rafiki smiled. "I found what hurts." TIM: KOMEDY! ALICIA: [Gaku] Did I log into Tapestries instead of TLKMuck by mistake? > > Gaku glanced at him. "What's wrong with it?" CROW: [Rafiki] I always thought "two left feet" was just an idiom. > > Rafiki rubbed his hand over the bump on the joint. "It's been knocked > slightly out of place. Not to serious. I can fix it right now." SERVO: [Rafiki] Then again, I *am* a doctor. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. > > Gaku nodded and Rafiki went over to get something. TIM: [Rafiki, muttering] o/` I am the witch doctor, I'll tell you what to do. You'll say... o/` > He came back with > a small piece of wood. "Here, clamp down on this." The mandrill sid., MIKE: [Rafiki] I lost my hole punch. > > Gaku bit down on the piece of wood. He mumbled out something. Rafiki > chuckled. ALICIA: [Rafiki] There, *finally* shut him up. > > "Nom you'll see what it's for in a moment. Now, on three, I'll push > this bone back into place. ok?" > > Gaku nodded. Rafiki prepared to push the bone. SERVO: [Rafiki] The head bone *is* connected to the leg bone, right? > > Rafiki counted, "One...." > > Gaku screamed and bit down hard on the piece of wood as Rafiki pushed the > bone back into place. CROW: Whaddaya know, Gaku's the King of Extreme. TIM: Did wackyness insue again? > He then removed the piece of wood from the cub's > mouth. There were deep holes from where Gaku had bit down. MIKE: Ah yes, painful medical procedures, the essence of classic Disney. ALICIA: What about The Hunchback of Notre Dame? MIKE: That movie *was* a painful medical procedure. > > Gaku shouted. "WHAT HAPPENED TO THREE?!" ALICIA: Five, Sir. > > Rafiki smiled innocently. "Did I say three? Oh well! No harm done! HAHA!" CROW: See, it's wacky, because it's malpractice! > > Gaku shook his paw as Rafiki and Simba chuckled. ALICIA: [Rafiki] Well, look at the bright side of it - you'll finally know the sound of one paw clapping. TIM: [Simba, laughing politely]: Ah heh heh... just back away slowly, kid... > Rafiki then turned > toward the lion. MIKE: [Rafiki] Now, for the punchline, I'm giving you a root canal. > > "Now, I believe you had something you were wanting to discuss with me?" > the mandrill asked. ALICIA: [Simba] Eh, not in front of the cub. > > Simba nodded. "You remember those bright lights and that large bird we all > saw yesrday, don't you? TIM: [Rafiki] Ah, Big Light from Sky bring Mary Sues. > > The mandrill nodded. "Yes, I do." SERVO: [Rafiki] Good herbs, weren't they? > > Simba continued, "Well, I think Gaku might somehow be connected to all of > it. Timon, Pumbaa, and I found him near were it all took place. In fact, > his paw prints lead away from one place that had been completely burned." CROW: I guess fleeing from fire immediately makes you suspicious. > > Rafiki looked over at Gaku. "Hmm, yes. That would explain why his fur is > somewhat burned." ALICIA: [Rafiki] He *is* a panther, right? > > *FLASH* ALL: AA-AAAH! > A battle. On one side, a midnight black hedgehog. On the other side, a gun > toting cyborg cowboy. TIM: Alright, Westworld's on! ALICIA: Oh no, the story's looping itself! We'll never get out of here! > > Gaku rubbed his head. What did all this mean? How'd it pretain to him? ALICIA: And what about Scarecrow's brain? > > (Screaming Eagle) > Alicia had been at the sensors for an hour now. CROW: I hear this scene was sensored in the TV version. > First she had to go and > rewrite everything. MIKE: If only the *author* had been that prudent! > Somehow whatever blasted them the day before had fried > the sensors as well, and now they weren't running at full power. SERVO: I guess Trey *did* model this ship after the Enterprise. TIM: So where's the "manual steering" control? > She didn't > have time to worry about that though, not yet at least. She brought up the > final scans of the area. ALICIA: That's some *awesome* Adobe software right there... > > "BINGO!" She shouted. MIKE: She just scored five stupid plot devices in a row! > She had located Trey. She got up and ran to go tell > David. TIM: [David] Crimeny... can't it wait until after "Frazier"? > > Alicia and David made their way out of the dense jungle. Little did they > know thay a dark force was watching them. MIKE: Yes, Alicia and David were about to experience the evil of focus groups. > They stopped and David looked > around. > > "Are we close?" Alicia asked. SERVO: [David] I wouldn't say that - I mean, we only met yesterday. > > Through his visor, David was linked to the Screaming Eagle's systems. > Namely the sensors. MIKE: Star Mech - in SENSORROUND! > An image displaying their position and Trey's > appeared in the corner of his view. CROW: [gasps in awe] Radar! SERVO: Set your motion trackers to "weenie"! > He nodded his head. "Yeah, we're > getting close." He pointed to their left. "That way." He looked over at > Alicia but found she wasn't there. "Alicia?" ALICIA: [David] Dammit, I hate it when I get packet loss like that! > > Deep in the bushes, Alicia tried screaming for help, but it was no use. SERVO: You *know* you're an ineffective female character when you can't even scream helplessly. > Dark Sonic had her mouth covered with his hand. CROW: Exactly how does that work when you're a catgirl with a muzzle, anyway? ALICIA: Doesn't that make you muzzled by default? > He smiled evily. TIM: [Dark Sonic] I'M AN IMP! > > "Well, Lynxara my dear kitty, it seems we're alone at last. What's say we > make like the locals, eh?" he said. MIKE: You *are* aware that the locals are Disney characters, aren't you? > > Alicia's eyes began to glow white with rage and she let out a very loud > growl. CROW: I think Visine will help with that. > > Dark Sonic arched an eyebrow. "Hello, what have we here?" TIM: It's called a "girl", Sonic. I thought you were more familiar with them... > > Alicia grabbed ahold of Sonic and flipped hom over her. MIKE: It's always nice to see mortal enemies take a break for a friendly game of leapfrog. > Her hands began > glowing with energy. TIM: [pauses, then raises a hand] ...excuse me? ALICIA: ... SHAININGUUU.... FINGAAAA! > Dark Sonic swallowed hard. Once more, he had > underestimated his opponent. This wasn't the Grey Fox or even Antoine. MIKE: Look, backstory! CROW: What? MIKE: You missed it. CROW: Ah. > This was someone who could fight...... ALICIA: Does that mean it's the end of the sixth period? > Dark Sonic knew ALicia hadn't yet > fully asertained her powers. TIM: Trey, next time you use a dictionary word, please use a dictionary. > This meant he'd have somewhat an adavantage > though. > > "You know, I love violence, dear. So bring it!" he exclaimed. CROW: [Dark Sonic] If we don't get this story out of its PG rating, it's never going to do well at the box office! > > Elsewhere in the jungle, Gaku and Rafiki were walkign along side one > another. SERVO: They say author avatars don't make good pets, but it just takes a little effort to get them to walk alongside you. > Simba had things to attend to and Rafiki wanted to take a look > at the burned area in teh jungle. He decided to bring Gaku in hopes that > the cub's memory would come back once he saw the area. CROW: [Gaku] Hey, this reminds me of my schoolyard! > Rafiki looked > around. The entire area had been scorched, severly. He picked up some of > the soil and let it sift through his fingers. MIKE: Rafiki *is* Maximus in "Walt Disney's Gladiator"! > He didn't know what had > caused this, but it didn't look like it had been fire. He looked over at > Gaku. The young cub was looking around as well. > > *FLASH* ALL: AA-AAAH! > Two powerful blasts of energy colliding. An explosion of light and power. TIM: Sentence Fragments. Fragmented Phrases. Attempts at Tension. > > Gaku slammed his paw on the ground. What did it all mean?! It was to much > for him to handle. Rafiki began examining the bark on one of the trees. SERVO: Hey, let's not bark up the wrong tree here. > The cub appeared deep in thought and the madrill thought it wise not to > disturb it. CROW: [Rafiki] Curled up, eyes closed, snoring... I guess he's thinking. > > Meanwhile, David had finally found Alicia, but was surprised to see Dark > Sonic there, and getting his butt whipped. ALICIA: [David] Hell, even *I* don't believe this. > The hedgehog's skin was smoking > from the multiple chi blasts he had taken. MIKE: He's a smarming tyrant, *and* he exposes people to second hand smoke! CROW: That clenches it - he's evil. > Alicia was out of breath. TIM: Good one, Alicia. You used up your Super Combo bar. ALICIA: Well, I can probably Just Defend and Parry everything else. > The blasts used on the hedgehog had begun to wear her out. She took a step > foward but her foot got caught on a protruding root and she stumbled. ALICIA: [herself] Oops! Almost became a strong female character there! > In the blink of an eye, Dark Sonic once ore had her by the neck. David had > the Crescent Shooter out and aimed a split second later. TIM: [Dark Sonic] I know how to use this! I've got a catgirl and she's loaded! > > "Forgot I still had my speed, didn't you?" The hedgehog said mockingly. CROW: David Gonterman *is* Gregory Peck in "To Kill A Mocking Hedgehog"! > "Drop the gun cowboy, or cat-girl here uses up all of her nine lives." SERVO: [Dark Sonic] Hold on - did I just say something almost witty? > > David kept the gun aimed for a moment. he then hung his head in defeat > and tossed the gun aside. Dark Sonic smiled. ALICIA: [Dark Sonic] I forgot to tell you, senor - I'm left-handed, too! > "Very good. Say Good night, boys and girls!" Sonic said as he began to > electrocute Alicia. David reached for the Crescent Shooter but Sonic caught > him to in a net of electricity. MIKE: You know, this really is the calvinball of fight sequences. > They were trapped. TIM: [dramatically] They were trapped like... [normal] ... like... two... somethings that were really trapped. > > Elsewhere, Gaku was closing in on the prey, a small mouse he had begun > stalking. ALICIA: [Gaku] Dammit, Fievel, I *will* have your autograph. > He snuck around a tree, but at that moment, the wind shifted and > the mouse was alerted to his presence. CROW: I smell a rat here. > He gave chase as the mouse ran. > > *FLASH* ALL: AA-AAAH! > A dream. The mouse ducking into a hole in the ground. A cheetah slamming > head first into a tree. MIKE: By now, *all* of us are dreaming about that. > > Gaku skidded to a stop and the mouse rann off into hiding. Images began > flooding into his mind. SERVO: All right, who's flooding the IRC channel? > Gaku, no, Trey blinked. He remembered everything. ALICIA: [Gaku] I... know... EVERYTHING!!! > Earth, his friends, family, everything. CROW: [Gaku] My life is passing before my eyes! Oh, wait, I don't *have* a life. > In the distance he heard screams > of pain and maniacal laughter. He raced after the sound. Whether or not > he'd be able to help didn't matter. ALICIA: Yes, when Gaku has his heart set out on doing something stupid, there is no stopping him. > His friends were in trouble and he > was gonna do teh best he could do to help them. TIM: Mighty purr powers, activate! CROW: He could just sit there and meow, and he'd still out-hero Puma Man. > > Dark Sonic cackled maniacally. He never noticed long, razor sharp claws > extend from Alicia's fingers, SERVO: Uh, can I get a "SNIKT!" here? > or the white aurua that now surrounded David. > Just as he began to wonder why the screams of agony had stopped, he felt > something leap onto his back and small claws dig into his neck. MIKE: [Dark Sonic] Aw, crap, *another* kitten I have to clean out from my spikes. > > "You know what the good thing about having both parents work in a hospital > is?" Trey asked sinisterly. CROW: When the other kind of people in white coats come to get you, others don't notice the difference? > > "What's that?" Sonic asked. > > "You learn where the JUGULAR IS!" The cub shouted as he ripped his claws > across Sonic's neck. TIM: ... see, it's funny 'cause Trey's... psychotic. ALICIA: One word: Ritalin. > > Sonic screamed in pain and let go of his hold on Alicia and David. ALICIA: Owie -- wait, isn't the jugular at the *front* of the neck? > Alicia then dug her claws right into his chest and sliced him open. CROW: Dark Sonic then hit her with his sequel clause and got better. TIM: [Dark Sonic, offended] ...hey! You cut me in half! > Then she, Trey, and David regrouped and faced the bleeding villian. MIKE: [Alicia] OK, he missed a chance to finish us off, so it's only fair that we miss this one. TIM: Superhero Rule #1: You have the villain down, ya finish him! ALICIA: This would be Mistake #1. TIM: We've reached six or seven Mistakes #1's... > Sonic > staggered back to his feet, his wounds very slowly healing. They had hurt > him, TIM: [Dark Sonic, sniffles] You hurt me! ;_; > the black emerald's power wasn't healing him as fast as it usually > did. SERVO: The many-fauceted scarlet emerald wasn't helping much, either. TIM: So where's the ejaculating Ecordian? > > "Give it up," David ordered. > > Sonic chuckled weakly as a black aurua formed around him. "No." TIM: [David] Please? MIKE: [Dark Sonic] Nuh-uh. TIM: [David] Pretty please with a catgirl on top? MIKE: [Dark Sonic] Well... no. > > David's belt buckled opened up with a cartoonish "DING DONG" revealing the > Imperium Silver Crystal. ALICIA: Umm... no more of Davey-kin's Area Cam, please? > A loud humming sound could be heard. It was a > stand off. Either power could strike, and the results would either way > turn out to be catastrophic. BOTS: UNION! UNION! UNION! > > Suddenly, a staff came down and thwapped Dark Sonic upside the head. CROW: Hi, we're Sega's legal staff and we'd like to have a few words with you about trademark dilution. > > "Aww crud." Dark Sonic said as his aurua died adn he fell face first on > the ground. TIM: ...just like that, huh? SERVO: Don't let this happen to you - get your auras checked out regularly at a psychic near you. This has been a message from the psychic friends network. > > The three authors blinked in confusion. A mandrill steped out from behind > Sonic, the staff in his hands. He looked at the hedgehog and let out a > loud resounding "WHOOOP!" CROW: [Rafiki] Uh, that was me. Sorry. TIM: [Rafiki] Give it up for my posse! > Rafiki then walked over and looked at the > authors. He rubbed his chin. > > "Very pecuiler creatures. Very pecuiler indeed." he said. "Tell me, what > exactly ARE you?" TIM: [singing] o/` What kind of avatar are you? Why do you do the things you do? o/` > > David rubbed his head. "It's kind of a long story." ALL: We know! > > Rafiki bluntly replied, "Best you get started then." MIKE: Oh, Rafiki, if only you knew what you were getting yourself into. > > (Dark Sonic's Fortress) > Pippkin and Razar looked around the throne room. ALICIA: [Pippkin] All right, who used up all the toilet paper without putting in some new? > > "Why that miserable beast!" Razar exclaimed. "How much you want to bet > he's trying to take on those authors by himself?" MIKE: So, this is what they mean by a sucker bet. > > Pippkin nodded. "Indeed. Come Razar, we must retrieve him before he gives > away all our plans." CROW: [Razar] Uh, we have *plans* now? > > (Jungle) > "And that's the whole story," Alicia finished. > > Rafiki was somewhat stunned. ALICIA: [whispering] Psst! Rafiki! Camera's rolling. SERVO: I think "stoned" would be a more appropriate reaction. > "And this Dark Sonic fellow, what does he > have to do with all this?" TIM: [Trey] He stole our lunch money. > > "He's evil incarnate. He hates everyone adn everything. Nuff said." > David replied. MIKE: [David] That's about as much characterization as I can spare. > > Rafiki nodded. SERVO: [Rafiki] Smile and nod, smile and nod... > Suddenly, tehre was a flash of light behind them. They > turned to see Razar and Pippkin picking up Dark Sonic. The authors face > faulted. CROW: Hopefully, they didn't dump core after that. > > "RAZAR!" Trey exclaimed. > > "PIPPKIN?!" David shouted. TOM: KANEDA!! CROW: TETSUO!! > > Pippkin tipped his hat to the group and all three villians vanished in a > flash of black fire. SERVO: [Pippkin] OK, is this the "teleport" or "incinerate" button? > > "Oh man, if those two are teamed up with Dark boy...." Alicia started. CROW: [Alicia] They'll be *three* times as useless! > > "We might be in a heap of trouble." David finished. "I think we should get > going. No telling if they could return or not." ALICIA: No, that would be the *wise* move for the villains to make. > > Rafiki looked at them. "Leaving? So soon?" TIM: [Rafiki] I made s'mores! C'mon! CROW: [Rafiki] I even picked you lice out of my fur. > > Alicia nodded. "Yeah, they could return at anytime, and frankly, I don't > feel like fighting right now." ALICIA: [herself] Maybe not now, but Saturday night's all right for fighting. > > "Ah, I see. Well, I wish all of you good lucj where destiny may take you." > The mandrill said. > TIM: [Rafiki] And Let the Schwartz be with you. > David smiled. "Thanks, good luck to you too." CROW: And may Disney never do with you what they did with "The Adventures of Timon and Pumbaa." > > The authors began to make their way back to the Eagle. > > "Just a moment, young cub." Rafiki said. Trey stopped. "Come here." TIM: [Rafiki, sighs] You've got this *big* tick on the back of your head here. Hold still... > > Trey turned around and walked up to him. > > "Well, Gaku, or should I say Trey?" Rafiki said smiling. SERVO: [Trey] Actually, I've taken a liking towards "snugglecakes." > > "You know, I don't think it really matters anymore." Trey replied with a > smile of his own. MIKE: I mean, what's your parents and your whole identity worth when you really think about it? > > Rafiki chuckled. "I want to give you something to take on your journey." > TIM: [M] It's called a flea collar, Mr Tackett. > THe mandrill reached into a small puch and pulled out what appeared to be > either a small root or vine wrapped around a small stone and then made > into a necklace of sorts. He tied it around Trey's neck. SERVO: OK, Rafiki, there's frugal, and then there's just cheap. TIM: [Rafiki] My good friend Bobo made this! > Trey looked at > it, confused. > > "What's this?" He asked. MIKE: [Rafiki] Well, some mice wanted me to tie this around your neck... > > "A ROCK! What's it look like?!" Rafiki joked. "Seriously though, there is > a story to that stone. ALICIA: "The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire..." > It is said to be one of three pieces to a puzzle > that can help anyone find their home. SERVO: They're "www", "mapquest", and "com." > Who knows, maybe you and your > friends will find the other two pieces." CROW: [Rafiki] It's a plot device. Just accept it. > > Trey looked at the stone. "Thanks Rafiki!" ALICIA: [Gaku] Boy, this is worse than that toaster I got for Christmas. > > Rafiki chuckled and scratched him behind the ears. "Now, I think your > friends are waiting on you.." SERVO: [Rafiki] That *is* what that waving means, right? > > Trey nodded and ran off after David and Alicia. Rafiki smiled and then > began to make his way back home. MIKE: [Rafiki] And another sucker falls for the old rock trick. > > (Screaming Eagle) > Trey walked onto the bridge and went over to David and Alicia. > > "Ready to go?" Alicia asked. ALICIA: [Trey] I've been without a catbox so long you don't know *how* ready to go I am. > > Trey nodded. He turned the rock over in his paw. It glowed blue for a brief > second. SERVO: [Trey] Aw, crap! I'm pregnant! > > (Balboa tree) > Rafiki watched as the Screaming Eagle lifted out of teh jungle and flew > off into the distance. He looked over as Simba climbed onto the branch. CROW: [Rafiki] Bye, and may your species come back to poach for us any time! > > "Hey, Rafiki." The lion said. "Where's Gaku?" SERVO: Uh, Trey, I think you can refer to this mystery lion as Simba quite safely now without spoiling any surprises. > > Rafiki chuckled. "Back with his friends, and for now, his family." He > looked out at the horizon as did Simba. The cry of an Eagle echoed in the > distance. TIM: [Gaku] Oh, damn! Just got my eagle crushed! > > TO BE CONTINUED........ ALICIA: Is that a threat or a promise? [Mike and the Bots get up and file out of the theater, with Tim and Alicia following suit...] [SOL. Alicia and Tim are flanked be the Mike and the Bots.] SERVO: So, Tim, you collect these "MSTing" things, right? TIM: You could say that... CROW: And these things *aren't* based on the Myst computer game? ALICIA: [laughing] No, Crow, most of them are riffing adventures with, well you guys. MIKE: [blinks] Wait, what do you mean *most* of them? TIM: [awkward] Well... Back home where we're from, a lot of writers have toyed with using other characters in your place. MIKE: [now becoming miffed] Well *that's* a fine How-Do-You-Do... SERVO: Honey? MIKE: [getting increasingly irate] The nerve of some people writing themselves into wacky misadventures! It's not right, I say! [Tim and Alicia look over to Mike Nelson, turn to share a glance with the Bots. They all have a collective shrug.] CROW: Well, I was going through some of old data files Forrester's cued up lately. What's the deal with erotic citrus? ALICIA: Oh, lemons. Basically, those are fan works with a sexual theme. SERVO: [wary] None of these "MSTings" are like that, are they? ALICIA: None that I've seen... TIM: Well, I did stumble upon something that redefined "Turn Your Crank to Frank."... [Alicia bursts out laughing, with the Bots following with snickers. Mike looks about with blank cluelessness, until something finally dawns on him...] MIKE: [stunned] I'm going to go check the cargo holds... [wanders off screen, the rest of the crew steady their laughing fit] CROW: ...but seriously, I'm just wondering why there aren't *more* of them. TIM: Pardon? SERVO: Yeah! We're pretty dang studly you know-- ain't that right, Alicia? ALICIA: [turns and does a take to the Bots, but gradually recovers with a nervous smile] Umm... you're a robots... CROW: [smoothly] Hey, hon, don't be ashamed about it! All the chicks want to rub their hands along my mighty gold carapace. C'mon, Alicia, You Know You Want Me Baby! (tm) ALICIA: [thouroughly unimpressed] ...you're a robot. TIM: Well, this converstation's taken a weird turn... [notices the flashing commercial sign and taps it] We'll be right back! SERVO: [attempting a smooth tone] Say, Gypsy? Do you work for UPS? GYPSY: [Off Screen] No, Tom. Just... *no*. ______________________________________________________________________ To Be Continued... ______________________________________________________________________ > A loud humming sound could be heard. It was a > stand off. Either power could strike, and the results would either way > turn out to be catastrophic. > > Suddenly, a staff came down and thwapped Dark Sonic upside the head. > > "Aww crud." Dark Sonic said as his aurua died adn he fell face first on > the ground.