[SOL int.] Mike, Servo, and Crow are standing behind the counter. MIKE: Are you feeling okay, Crow? CROW: I feel...unfunny. Waaahhhhhhh! SERVO: Mike, we have to help him! MIKE: I know, but how? [A Russian cosmonaut jumps through the window.] COSMONAUT: Hi! MIKE: Aaah! Who are you? COSMONAUT: I'm a Russian cosmonaut from the Mir! My name is Bill! [pause] SERVO: Okay. MIKE: Can we help you with anything? BILL: Well- CROW: Waaaaaaaahhh! BILL: Hey, little American friend, what's wrong? CROW: I'm not funny! Waaaahhhhh! BILL: GASP! You've got....you've got....Paul Reiser's Disease! CROW: What? BILL: As we all know, Paul Reiser is the most unfunny comedian around, and whenever someone gets as bad as him, we call it Paul Reiser's Disease! MIKE: Well, how do we cure it? BILL: I don't know. CROW: Oh, great! -Mads' sign- SERVO: Hey, Pearl's calling. BILL: Who? [Castle Forrester] PEARL: Well, Nelson, how goes the experiment? [SOL] MIKE: Well, Crow's got Paul Reiser's Disease. [CF] PEARL: Who the hell is Paul Reiser? [SOL] MIKE: Well, anyway, Crow's not funny anymore. Can he not watch the rest of the fanfic? [CF] PEARL: What do you think I've been trying to do for the last eight years? I want you all to come out of that theater with that...that...Paul Chaplin's disease or whatever. Now GO! [SOL] SERVO: Who's Paul Chaplin? -movie sign- MIKE: Aaah! Movie sign! CROW: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 6...5...4...3...2...1... [M&TB enter the theater.] SERVO: You gonna make it, Crow? CROW: I don't know. > Snively snickered a little at Robotnik's groveling, but moved to close the doors. >But before he could press the button, SERVO: Press the button, Snively. >he heard Robotnik shriek. It was a shriek of fear, and it raised the fine hairs >on the back of Sniv's neck. He'd never heard that sound from his uncle before, and >although it was creepy, it also sent shivers of delight down his spine. He pivoted >around to look down through the window. MIKE: There he saw Jenny Craig forcing Slim Fast down his throat. > Another figure was rising to its feet. A strange creature it was, with a single >horn, and a long white beard, and a crab claw. Sniv's eyes widened. Nagus! >Then he noticed another figure, laying limp. It slowly sat up. SERVO[stuffed up]: Uh...I'm Todd, the night janitor. Don't mind me. > A regal face was bestowed on the third man that had emerged from the Void. His >tail, long and luxurious, curled around his feet. He had a neat mustache, that >complimented his face, unlike Robotnik's goofy one. SERVO[Goofy]: Gawrsh! > Neither Robotnik nor Nagus had really frightened Snively, but this face sent >a rush of fear through him, making his teeth chatter. +AH4Afg-God...by God...it's >the king...the king...+AH4Afg- MIKE: The king is back! Long live the king! >The king who would punish his traitorous warlord, >and his traitorous warlord's nephew most severely. SERVO: Doesn't that kind of drag on a little? > Then Snively shook his head. +AH4Afg-King Acorn is no longer the king. MIKE: The parliament has just passed the Bill of Rights. >I'll just have him killed, none of this Void nonsense. And as for Robotnik, >once he frightens off those Freedom Fighters with his sudden appearance, I'll >get rid of him too. And Nagus along with him.+AH4Afg- > Robotnik tried to run for the door that led out of the chamber. But he was >suddenly frozen in place as energy leaped off Nagus's hand. MIKE[as Nagus]: Hey! Come back here! You're my energy! > "Seems my cure worked-we are no longer crystal," Nagus said to King Acorn. > The King nodded. SERVO: Why are the King of Mobius and the Lord of Dark Magic in cahoots? Did I miss something? > Nagus looked up. "Ah, it's Shrimpy." [All chuckle.] > "That's Snively." > Nagus wheezed in amusement. "That's right. Snively. Adeptly named, that one." > Snively scowled, then froze as King Acorn's eyes looked up and locked sternly >with his. "Yes. The other traitor." > Snively glared down at the king and felt a sense of triumph as King Acorn looked >away. Then he turned his gaze on Nagus. "You're not planning on taking over, are >you?" The little man's eyes narrowed to slits. "Because you won't succeed." MIKE: He's so stupid no wonder the Freedom Fighters are on the verge of success. SERVO: Speaking of Freedom Fighters, how many have we seen so far? CROW: One, and he was on a TV screen. > Nagus wheezed again. "Is that so, boy?" > "Yes." > The wizard laughed heartily. "We'll see about that, small one." > Spiderweb-cracks appeared in the glass in front of Snively. He stepped back >nervously. Then the entire window crashed down, pieces bouncing off the console. >Sniv jumped back, SERVO: ...kissed himself... >hands automatically flying up to protect his face. Nagus, looking somewhat silly, MIKE[retarded]: Huh. Silly. >levitated off the ground, hovering in front of the broken window. Then he floated >into the room, his feet coming to rest on the ground. > "Cocky now?" he asked. SERVO: Yuck! Why'd he ask that!? > Blue eyes widened, Snively grabbed for the pistol in his belt. But as he drew >it out, his hand was struck with pain, as if a knife had stabbed him. He yelped. >The pistol clattered to the ground. > Nagus didn't usually use physical powers to intimidate, but he couldn't resist. >His crab claw hand closed around the throat of Robotnik's little nephew, the serrated >edges digging into that delicate skin. CROW: Like a hot knife through butter. MIKE: You know, Crow, I'm starting to miss your little sexy comments. > A soft gasp escaped Sniv's lips, but he tried to look fearless. Narrowing his eyes, >he glared at the wizard. Nagus simply smiled back, his shark-like teeth gruesome, and >that claw tightening. Snively struggled for air, feeling the steak-knife like inside >of Nagus's claw gouging his skin, and drops of blood rolling down his neck onto his collar. > "So, are you going to challenge me?" asked Nagus. "Fight it out for the leadership?" SERVO: Is this a good time to start a conversation? > Squirming in Nagus's grip, Snively tried to pry the claw off his neck. >+AH4Afg-If only I could get away+AH4Afg-...he thought. But then what? MIKE: Then he dies. > But the claw tightened more, and the pain made Snively realize just how deeply >the saw-teeth of that claw were digging. If Nagus tightened anymore, he was going >pierce the vital jugular vein, MIKE AND SERVO[singing]: It's a bunular funular, veinical jugular... >and blood would spray everywhere, splattering Nagus, soaking his clothes, drenching the floor. SERVO: Did they really think this was going to be an intertaining show for the kids? MIKE: Still, it's not half as evil as Barney the Purple Dinosaur. > Snively went limp in Nagus's grip, SERVO[Snively]: You just don't turn me on anymore. >his eyes lowered in defeat. Nagus sensed the submissive attitude, and released >Snively. Snively's hand flew to his throat, feeling for injuries. He had several >deep cuts, oozing blood. But nothing serious. MIKE: Internal bleeding, heart and kidney failure, nothing important. > Wheezing, Nagus looked down at Robotnik, who was still frozen in place. King >Acorn was leaning against the wall, looking weary. SERVO[Acorn]: Why didn't I make a break for it? I'm so stupid! > "Now, both of you pathetic former leaders will serve me!" MIKE: Tag! You're the leader! >The wizard threw his hands towards the ceiling, cackling maniacally. His shadow, >distorted into a massive shape, quivered on the wall. SERVO: Alfred Hitchcock's having a heart attack! >As it fell on Robotnik, the fat man trembled in fear. > > ************************ > MIKE: I don't think that's the right number of stars for this fanfic. > "So...Nagus is in charge?" Princess Sally stared at the twisted spire of >Robotropolis that loomed in the distance. CROW: I don't think that Robotropolis has any steeples. >They had been driven back from the city by powerful bursts of magic, and now stood >on the edge of the forest. A gray wasteland stretched from the edge of the trees >to the city. > "I guess so," said Sonic. "And here I thought we'd have it easy with just >Snobley around." CROW: Who's he? MIKE: You know. Snively. CROW: Oh, yeah. > The princess's midnight blue eyes were distant. SERVO: They had been cut out and thrown across the ocean. >"Sonic...what if...what if my father got out of the Void too...?" CROW: This is a fanfic, not a Marvel comic! [pause] CROW: 'Cuz, Marvel does "What If" stories. SERVO: We get it, Crow. > "Hey, Sal, that'd be great!" said Sonic. > "Yeah. It sure would!" chimed in Tails. SERVO: Tails will be playing the chimes in tonight's musical performance. > Sally smiled ruefully. "Yes, it would, but not if the crystallization side-effect >still exists." MIKE: Don't worry. Plot contrivances took care of that a while ago. > "Aw, Sally-girl, we'll figure somethan' out. Don't ya be worryin' yar pretty >little head about nothin'." > "Thanks, Bunnie." Sally smiled warmly at her best friend, who was always >there with an encouraging word or smile. MIKE: Or accent. > > *********************** > > "P...pl...please N...N...Nagus, please... I'm sorry. SERVO[Roger Rabbit]: P-p-p-please! >I'll get to work right away." The groveling tone, combined with >Robotnik's deep gravely voice, was an amusing sound. ALL[deadpan]: Hah. Hah. > Nagus sat in Robotnik's throne, watching as Robotnik scurried about in front >of the giant computer's console, working fervently. Snively was leaning against >the wall, arms crossed over his chest. Nagus hadn't made him do anything >yet. He had been rather entertained by watching Robotnik slave for the past three >days. Absentmindedly, he scratched at the white bandage wrapped around his throat, >smiling slightly as Robotnik turned to Nagus, trembling. > "Master... [Servo looks around.] SERVO: Torgo? >the second SWATbot factory is back on-line." SERVO: Why would Nagus need SWATbots? MIKE: Yeah. He can just use his magic. > > ******************** > > "I can't stand it. He treats me like some...some peon, Snively. SERVO: Thay're not in Spanish America, are they? MIKE: I don't know. >Like some slave that exists only to work for him. And he casts those confounded >spells!" Robotnik's large meaty hands rubbed his...muzzle. His face was transformed >into a scruffy-looking dog. MIKE[as Robotnik]: And he gives me stale Snausages! > Snively had already laughed his head off about the transformation, and now sat >calmly, his hands cupped around a mug of warm coffee. Nagus had allowed Robotnik to >stop for a short coffee/snack break. The fat man paced the dining room, >a doughnut clutched in one hand, his coffee steaming on the table. CROW: Hey! He's eating less! MIKE: Crow, why don't you just not talk for the rest of the fanfic? CROW: What do you think I've been doing? > "Oh really? Now, why does that sound familiar...?" > Robotnik glanced at Snively. "What?" > "Being treated like a slave." > Robotnik's red pupils narrowed. MIKE: Oops! Get him some eyedrops! > "Oh yes," said Snively, pointing an accusing finger at his uncle. "You treated >me like shit, Julian, ALL: Woah! >worse than shit. I wasn't even going to bring you out of the Void, you know." SERVO: Down, boy! >Now that Nagus was in charge, and Robotnik was lowered even lower than he, Snively >was no longer afraid of his uncle. What could the fat man do? MIKE[as Fat Man from Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]: Eat. >If he tried to strike Snively, the little man would simply dodge. Something he'd >never done before, considering he would have only got in more trouble for avoiding >Robotnik. But now Julian was just a worthless, groveling lackey. > "You have to help me get rid of him." > "Oh, I do?" SERVO: Who's saying what here? > Robotnik finally lost his temper, lunging for Snively. His tiny nephew was >quick though, slipping out of his chair to elude Robotnik's hands. > "Come here!" bellowed Robotnik. His order had never failed before, and he >expected Snively, shaking and muttering apologies, to come crawling up to his feet. >But Snively merely cast him a haughty look and stood motionless. MIKE: Mortal Kombat on Mobius. > "You don't control me anymore, Julian," hissed Snively. > Robotnik's eyes narrowed further at the menacing, openly defiant note in >that statement. "I may not control you, Snively, but I can still hurt you!" He >lunged again, moving surprisingly fast for such an obese man. MIKE: He's delusional and thinks Snively is a steak. > Snively was yanked back by Robotnik's hand closing on his arm. His arrogance >flew from him, and he yelped in fear. Robotnik slammed him against the wall, raising a fist. > A satisfied smile crossed Robotnik's face as his fist slammed into his nephew's >stomach, pushing all his air out in a -whoosh-. > "What are you doing, slave?" > Robotnik whirled around in surprise, eyes widening as he saw Nagus standing in >the doorway. "N...n...nothing." SERVO[as Robotnik]: Uh... the Heimlich? > "Release him." > Robotnik let Snively drop to the floor. > "Now get back to work!" Nagus raised his claw-hand threateningly. > Robotnik trembled, feeling dreadfully weak and cowardly. He looked back at his >nephew, who seemed to be recovering from the blow to his stomach. He realized now >why Snively was such a freakin' little pansy. Because he was terrified. No wonder >the little jerk had constantly stuttered and stumbled over his words in Robotnik's >presence. Because fear had numbed his mind, making it hard to think and convey what >he really wished to say. SERVO: I don't mean to be picky, but the brain wouldn't have any nerve cells to begin with. > Nagus's brow knit together, annoyed by Robotnik's hesitation. The fat man saw, >and quickly hurried out the door. > Nagus watched Robo scurry down to the command center. Then he turned to Snively. >"You, pointy-nosed one, have opened the Void, thus releasing me, and for that I am >grateful. But not too grateful, mind you... You try anything against me, >little one, and I'll see that you suffer." MIKE[Nagus]: No cable porn for a week! SERVO[Snively]: Nooooooo!!! > A faint light glowed around Nagus's claw and Snively felt his ribcage tighten, >squeezing against his lungs. He fought for air. Then Nagus waved his hand, and the >pressure disappeared. > "You understand?" Nagus's breathy voice sounded like an old asthma-ridden man, >but Snively knew better than to laugh. CROW: Instead, Snively offered Nagus an inhaler. > "Yes." > "You stay out of my way, and I shall not bother you." Nagus's eyes glowed red >for a moment, then he turned and left. Snively sighed, rubbing his sore stomach. >Nagus was indeed intimidating, but there was a certain...stableness...to him >that Robotnik lacked. Nagus wouldn't just fly into a rage and attack. MIKE: But suddenly he did and killed Snively. The end. > > ************** > > For the next few days, there was nothing amiss. Robotropolis slowly recovered >from the Freedom Fighter attacks that had followed after the Doomsday explosion. >Robotnik was rapidly learning the art of groveling, and Snively was growing >increasingly bored. MIKE: Snively's turning into Aram Fingal. > Snively never thought he'd actually WANT to work, but now that there was nothing >to do, he was going crazy. Nagus gave him no tasks, and he simply wandered around, or >read his books. He had more time to sit down, eat a snack, drink some coffee, but >that only made it worse; the caffeine making him high-strung. SERVO: Not to mention Nagus played a trick and switched him to Folgers Crystals. > Robotnik, however, regularly dented the walls of his new tiny room every night. >The frustration of being a mere lackey, when he was once supreme ruler, made him >furious. At first, he rebelled against Nagus, cursing at him and refusing >to work. The wizard knew many spells...and most of them were worse than that >shape-changing gag. The pain made Robotnik scream, made him beg, and whimper apologies. CROW[as Robotnik]: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. MIKE: Crow! You''re just not funny anymore! CROW[crying]: I'm sorry, you guys! I guess I'm never going to be funny again! [Crow collapses.] MIKE: Crow? > After Nagus released his magic, Robotnik was quick to do whatever Nagus had told him. > Whenever he passed Snively in the hallway, his nephew would smile sweetly, blue >eyes sparkling, and casually raise his middle finger. If Robotnik tried to lunge >at him, Snively would simply duck under his arms and run down the hallway, laughing >hysterically. MIKE: Crow? Are you okay? > +AH4Afg-I can't stand it! I MUST get rid of Nagus! Once and for all...I will kill >that wretched wizard!+AH4Afg- > > **************** > SERVO: He's collapsed! MIKE: We have to do something! [Mike picks up Crow, and they all leave the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SOL int.] Crow is on the counter. Mike, Gypsy, and Servo are around him in hospital uniforms. The bridge has transformed to resemble an emergency room. Cambot is playing dramatic music. MIKE[holding two elecrtical paddles]: Clear! [Mike puts them on Crow and he jumps.] MIKE: Clear! [same] SERVO[looking at monitor]: He's not going to make it! GYPSY[holding a needle]: Give him this! [Mike takes the needle and sticks it into Crow.] CROW: OOOOOWW! What was that for? MIKE: Yes! We did it! [Servo and Gypsy cheer.] MIKE: Crow, how do you feel? CROW: I feel just fine. SERVO: Are you funny? CROW: Oh, kiss off, Slappy! [The others break into a fit of laughs.] MIKE: Well, it's good to have you back Crow. -commercial sign- CROW: Great to be back, chunky! [The other bots laugh. Mike looks at Crow.] MIKE: Okay, you can stop now. CROW: Why, punjab? [commercials-we hear the bots laughing over the planet logo and theme]