DISCLAIMER: This is all done in fun. No meanness is intended or should be implied. See way, way, way down below for more details. [ Opening Credits ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ INT SOL ] JOEL is reading a "She-Hulk" (early 90s series) comic book. TOM SERVO and CROW are having a debate. CROW: But Aquaman would be able to summon the collective searching skills of *all* the sea's many wondrous creatures to help. TOM: Which doesn't compare to being able to use super-hearing and just *listen* for the darned place. CROW: Yeah, and go deaf trying. If he can hear Lex Luthor from 11,000 miles away how loud is the car driving past Superman going to sound? JOEL: [ Looking up ] Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. My robots--Crow T. Robot-- CROW: Hi there. JOEL: and Tom Servo-- TOM: Greetings. JOEL: --and I been watching some old cartoons up here and the other day saw the Superfriends trying to search for the Hall of Doom--remember, it could move around the planet--and only Superman, Green Lantern, and Black Vulcan were needed to search. CROW: Right. So we're trying to figure out just how large a search party the Superfriends really would have to organize to find the Hall of Doom. TOM: Exactly. Now, Green Lantern is vulnerable to anything that's yellow. Suppose the Hall of Doom was hiding out in the suburbs. Green Lantern would be helpless! CROW: Superman could *not* do it alone. It's too big a planet for him. TOM: He could just X-Ray the entire Earth! Joel, what do you think? JOEL: I've always been partial to Wendy, Marvin, and Wonder Dog, actually. CROW: Huh? What were *their* powers? JOEL: They had the ability to advance the plot. CROW: Wait a second...Green Lantern could do anything so long as it didn't touch something yellow. [ Looks at TOM ] Ha-ha! So he could transmute *you* into an empty soda can, but couldn't touch me! [ JOEL goes back to his comic book ] TOM: Oh yeah? Well, Firestorm could transmute *you* into a pile of mud. CROW: Then I'd have Apache Chief grow really large and step on you! TOM: But then I'd have Black Vulcan use his electricity powers to bzzzzt zap you into ashes! CROW: But then I'd have Zan and Jana turn into an ice locomotive and an eagle and so run you over and then carry what's left to the edge of a cliff and drop you off. TOM: Which would be nothing compared to me having Cyborg wire into your central processor and rewrite your circuitry so you assume the characteristics of a relatively small bicycle seat! CROW: Well then *I'd* just have El Dorado do...uh...hm... JOEL: [ Looking up ] What were El Dorado's powers? TOM: I think his power was that he was Hispanic. [ Commercial sign flashes ] JOEL: We'll be right back. CROW: Right. Well, I'd have El Dorado do whatever it was he did to you. TOM: But how long could you stand up to Samurai Warrior...uh...making you vaguely long for John Belushi? [ Commercials ] [ SOL ] CROW is on a rant; JOEL and TOM sharing a "Screwball Squirrel" comic book. CROW: And another thing, could Aquaman fly or not? In the opening credits to "Superfriends," "Challenge Of The Superfriends," "Superfriends: The Legendary Super Powers Show," and "The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians," he flew--in each and every one of the many "Superfriends" series, he flew in the opening credits. [ Mads light flashes.] JOEL: Hang on; Edmund Hamilton and Fritz Leibner are calling. [ JOEL taps the light. ] CROW: Yet my research is unable to confirm any instances of him flying during the actual show. Oh, sure, making great leaps, but that's not flying, buster... [ INT DEEP 13 ] Close on DR. FORRESTER, with laptop computer; TV'S FRANK, with a headphone painted white and with obscure red and blue and green bits stuck on it, is in the background, playing with a "Pole Position" miniature video game. FORRESTER: Hello, Joel. Today's Invention Exchange from our side regards a recent social phenomenon: e-mail. As I'm sure you could imagine, electronic mail does not automatically interrupt a person's life and demand attention immediately--unlike the telephone. One may check messages at one's leisure, ending forever the frustration of the telephone's constant interruptions. TV'S FRANK: All right! I'm going to win this one! FORRESTER: [ Looks behind, grimaces, and turns back ] Our invention changes all that. Indeed, it excels in changing all that. While some would be satisfied with a device that just makes receiving email only *as* distracting as receiving a phone call, we have gone beyond that. Frank shall demonstrate. FORRESTER: [ Pressing the 'mouse' button. ] There. I just sent a note off to him... TV'S FRANK: I can see the finish li... [ Buzzing, electrical arcing noises; flash (as from flash paper) from the gadget on TV'S FRANK's head. TV's FRANK screams in pain. Device sparkles again; TV's FRANK passes out ]. FORRESTER: And what have you been up to? [ SOL ] CROW, JOEL, and TOM look aghast. JOEL: [ After a beat ] Well, sir, our invention this week concerns the plight of the animal world. Most everyone knows the fight that animals such as lions and elephants and rhinoceroses face to survive the changing climate. But who knows about more obscure animals--the Bush hyraxes, the black-footed ferrets, the bushy-tailed jirds? Not every animal is endangered, but if we don't learn about them, they will be in the future. [ D13 ] TV'S FRANK is gradually rising to his feet. FORRESTER: I had a ferret once. It kept stealing my socks. While I was wearing them. [ SOL ] JOEL, by himself. JOEL: Ah. Well, anyway, our invention is animal kits--so you and your family can look like and thus learn about some of the less familiar animals of the world. Now, Gypsy, here... [ GYPSY steps out. She has two black plastic plates on her sides for her 'eyes' and an enormous button for her nose; around her 'tube' is an inflated garbage bag with arms and legs dangling haphazardly. This is all covered in brown tinsel to simulate fur. ] GYPSY: I am dressed as a moco, the species Kerodon rupestris, a close relative of the guinea pig found in hilly and mountainous regions of Brazil. JOEL: They're extremely comfortable in rocky areas and both on the ground and climbing trees. Its claws are blunter than the guinea pig's, though it is about the same size. They whistle to one another to communicate. Now, Tom Servo, on the other hand... TOM: Looks ridiculous. JOEL: Come out here, Tom... [ TOM steps out. Strapped to his gumball-globe is a muzzle that l ooks shockingly like CROW's, although halfway through it is pleated like a flexible straw. Above the muzzle is a CROW-like 'mask' of dark eyes in a light field. Behind him is a 'tail' of that GYPSY piping, painted in bands of red and yellow and strung up behind him so it can be seen. ] TOM: Ahem. I represent the coati, species Nasua nasua and Nasua naurica, a raccoon like animal found in Latin America and the extreme southwest of the United States--and, also seen in the movie "Fierce Creatures." GYPSY: Squeak. JOEL: Coatis are very sociable animals, living in well organized communities of several dozen animals; and--this is cool--have really bendy noses. [ Reaches over and pushes TOM's 'nose' up, and down, and up again, and back to level. ] [ D13 ] FORRESTER: Really bendy noses? Sounds like a character on "The Tick." Next. [ SOL ] JOEL: Next out is Crow T. Robot... [ CROW steps out, next to TOM. He has larger eyes than usual, a little cone on the end of his nose with whiskers on it, two large fluffed-out ears on his headset and has a grey and pink robe around him. He has a bathrobe's belt strung up behind him as his tail. He looks at TOM and giggles a bit. ] TOM: What? CROW: I represent the Grasshopper Mouse, also called the Scorpion Mouse. They are the species Onychomys leucogaster, found from southern Canada to Northern Mexico, and Onychomys torridus, found from the southern United States to northern Mexico. GYPSY: Squeak. JOEL: These are fascinating animals. They will actually howl to proclaim their territory, making a sound like a wolf's howl. [ CROW looks at TOM; TOM looks back. ] Even how they stand to howl, and the tonal variation as they do, is wolflike, in miniature. [ CROW leans next to TOM and starts nibbling. ] TOM: Uh...Joel? JOEL: [ Continuing ] Although they're good climbers, they don't seem to climb regularly. CROW: Hey, Joel, I don't suppose you have a vole suit for Tom? Ah well. [ CROW nibbles on TOM's side some more. ] TOM: Joel? JOEL: [ Ignoring TOM ] Oh, and they are almost unique among the many species of mice in that they are carnivorous. They actually stalk and eat prey. [ CROW gets more enthusiastic about nibbling ] TOM: JOEL! GYPSY: Squeak. JOEL: [ looks at TOM ] Well, do something. You're far from helpless; coatis are able to face down cougars and coyotes. [ Thinks about that alliteration, shakes his head. ] Even a carnivorous mouse should be easy for you. [ Back to the monitor ] Well, sirs? [ D13 ] DR. FORRESTER is by the laptop, TV'S FRANK has staggered back and is almost on his feet again. FORRESTER: Fascinating work. Now, to your experiment this time...are you familiar with "Sonic The Hedgehog"? [ SOL ] JOEL: The video game character? TOM: Stop it! CROW: Make me! [ D13 ] FORRESTER: Yes, well, as usual, they turned this into an animated cartoon show. In fact, apparently, they made two shows out of it, a "good" series and a "bad" series. [ Beat; DR. FORRESTER shrugs and shakes his head and holds up his hands. Holds for a beat and then stands normally again. ] FORRESTER: I can't tell which is which, sorry. Anyway, we have here a fanfic from the depths of funny animal fandom, based on one of the "Sonic The Hedgehog" shows, I imagine the "good" one. It's called "The Newcomer," by Ryan Huber and...I should warn you...it's his first fanfic. [ SOL ] CROW and TOM are in a slapping (or really, bumping into each other) fight. JOEL: Well...uh...I think we'll survive. [ D13 ] TV'S FRANK is back on his feet and next to DR. FORRESTER. FORRESTER: We'll find out, won't we? Push the button, would you, Frank? TV'S FRANK: Okay... [ Presses the button on the laptop. Again, there are buzzing, electrical arcing noises; a flash paper flash from the gadget on TV'S FRANK's head. DR. FORRESTER smiles and smirks into the monitor. TV'S FRANK's gadget sparkles again; TV'S FRANK passes out ] [ SOL ] Movie sign chaos. GYPSY, CROW, and TOM are back to themselves. CROW: Hey, we're back. TOM: Don't you *ever* try to eat me again. GYPSY: Squeak. ALL: WAAAAUUUGH! We got fanfic sign! AAAAAAUGHHH! [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] >From: Ryan Huber >Subject: ARGH! I found another mistake. Here's the redone >Newcomer...error free. >The Newcomer CROW: Coming this fall to NBC. >A Sonic the Hedgehog Story JOEL: I heard originally Sega wanted Sonic to be an easily embarrassed chinchilla, but marketing killed it. TOM: Market research just ruins every good idea. >by Ryan Huber >This entire story TOM: Is a really long palindrome. CROW: Cool! > and all related characters JOEL: Oh, I think it's one of those 19th-century Russian novels. > in it are protected under >copyright laws. CROW: And a guy out front who has a really big stick. > It fine to distribute this story, but only in it's full >form, JOEL: Well, we're still okay, guys. > with no alterations, TOM: Uh-oh. > and never for profit. CROW: No problem there. >This is my first Sonic story, TOM: Oh, ours too. Don't worry. > and I've thought of nothing but it all >along. JOEL: [ Psycho voice ] But that's perfectly NORMAL, you understand? NORMAL! BWA-HA-HA! > I am adding a new character to the Sonic timeline, CROW: Who by the way is not at ALL in the least bit like me, nuh-uh, not a bit! > who does, in >fact, have my name, and personality. CROW: Oh. JOEL: Ah well. CROW: I have been wrong before. TOM: I'll say. > This story shouldn't contradict the >show, as I have every single one on tape. TOM: I figure you'd need at least two rolls of duct tape for every single episode. JOEL: Well, there's probably some two-part episodes. They'd stick together. TOM: True, true...probably could string up some with masking tape, too. >Sonic the Hedgehog, Princess Sally, ALL: [ Singing to "Mustang Sally" ] Princess Sally...Oh yeah... > and all other related characters are >copyrights of SEGA, DIC, TOM: I still miss "Inspector Gadget." > and Archie Comic Publications. CROW: Excuse me...it's "Graphic Novels." > Except for the >following... JOEL: Either, Neither, Seizure, Leisure, Codeine, Caffeine CROW: And February. >Bookshire, Sandra Nightweaver, and Packbell: David Pistone >Sir Kain (Eric): Eric Goodwin >Ryan: Ryan Huber >Historian's Note: JOEL: You know, historians note that evidence is mounting that German submarines off the New Jersey coastline caused significant damage in the New York harbor area before the U.S.'s entry into World War I. > This story takes place about 2 months before the >failed Doomsday project CROW: Is there any project named "Doomsday" that ultimately didn't fail? > that killed Robotnik, setting it around >Spring...which is what I'm led to understand, TOM: Well, it's your story. Do what you like. > and the first part >alternates between Mobius and Earth (not too much, though). JOEL: Oh, it's like when you put a reel in the viewfinder kind of funny and you see different pictures in the left or the right eye. TOM: Neat. >Part 1 JOEL: Uh-oh... TOM: We better get comfy. > A young man walked away from the sunset, JOEL: [ Waving arms in panic ] NO! NO! Get that sunset away from me! AAAUGH! T, CROW: AAAAH! > grinning and sweating >slightly, holding his baseball bat and glove. CROW: In his teeth. JOEL: He's so tough. > His brown hair wasn't >long, but not very short, either, TOM: But we're sure it was hair. CROW: Maybe. JOEL: And brown. CROW: We think. > and his brown-green eyes glinted >happily. CROW: I have happy eyes. JOEL: [ patting Crow's shoulder ] Aw, and it shows, you cutey. > He wore only a shirt and some jean shorts, TOM: And some scuba gear. > and was finely >muscled from running and exercising, JOEL: Plus years of steroid abuse. > and he began talking to himself TOM: Beats talking to the voices in his head. >without realizing it... > "Ha! ALL: [ Jumping back ] Yeaaah! > I seriously can't believe that the team won! CROW: Charlie Brown will be so upset he had to go to the opthamologist today! > It may not be a >real game, TOM: I have had enough of these slurs against Canadian football. JOEL: Oh, me too. Three downs just works better. > but it sure was fun..." > > On Mobius, Bookshire and Rotor were TOM: Planning revenge on the people who named them. > working on a new machine to >deroboticize TOM: Hey! CROW: No fair! JOEL: Boo! > the unfortunate citizens of Mobotropolis JOEL: Oh, Mobotropolis...he was always my favorite autobot. TOM: They actually released him? JOEL: Yeah, yeah, turned into a city and into a big ol' robot toy. Used to have him go against the Unicron toy. CROW: You had *Unicron*? JOEL: You bet. CROW: You were so lucky. JOEL: Well, for a while, anyway. > who were caught CROW: Talking in class. >during and after the coup. > Bookshire looked up at Rotor and said, CROW: "Have you always had two noses?" > "Hmm, the circuits here are >a little loose... TOM: And I don't really know what I'm doing... > a little far down, but I think I can get to them." JOEL: Yeah, you just take Hoosick down to Route 7, then turn onto 87 North and head up into Canada. > "Go ahead," Rotor replied without even looking up. CROW: That was so brave of him. TOM: We'll miss him, the courageous fool. > Bookshire reached down into the machine a bit, TOM: [ Shaking around ] Ah! Ah! It's got me! Turn it off! Turn it off! > and brushed a tiny >conductor against a wire. CROW: BOOM! > Ryan continued walking along. TOM: So we're to take it Ryan was the guy walking in the first part? CROW: He just couldn't give up on the last scene. JOEL: It was awfully gripping, though. > He looked ahead to see a wide >field, and realized he had walked to his old house. TOM: He lived in a wide field? JOEL: Maybe he's a dormouse. CROW: Or a woodchuck. TOM: Yeah, could be. > "Oh, no!" he shouted. CROW: At the field? > "I'm going to catch it good JOEL: [ As "Farm Film Celebrity Blow Up" guys ] He caught it good. TOM: Caught it real good. > if I don't get >home soon... I can't believe I walked here!" CROW: "But gosh darned it, I just like wide fields." > He turned around, failing to notice TOM: His new car! > the strange-looking comet >hurtling out of the sky... TOM: Wouldn't that actually make it a meteor, then? CROW: Wouldn't that actually vaporize the state? > "Shoot!" Bookshire said. TOM: BANG! JOEL: You missed. > "I accidentally hit a wire... TOM: I have no idea what a wire was doing there. > is the >deroboticizer OK?" CROW: Down with the deroboticizer! TOM: Boo! > Rotor finally looked up. "Hmm..." CROW: "Hey, I *do* have two noses!" > Rotor walked over to Bookshire and carefully inspected the >machine. CROW: "Since when does the machine have two noses?" TOM: Would you shut up about the noses already? JOEL: Boys, boys... > "Seems OK, Bookshire. Wouldn't worry about it." JOEL: Or that buzzing, sputtering stuff. > "Whew. Was worried for a second, Rotor... Most of these parts >are hard to come by." TOM: Like all our blinky, button-y stuff. CROW: And the doohickeys. > The comet shot closer to Ryan... JOEL: Hang on, I think we're back on Earth now. > Just as Rotor JOEL: Maybe not. > went back to work, TOM: The swing shift at Wa-Wa. > the machine started to hum. ALL: HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM JOEL: It probably doesn't know the words. > "What th-!" stuttered Rotor. TOM: That wasn't much of a stutter, really. JOEL: More like a stammer. > "Bookshire! CROW: Farms! > Get back! Something's >wrong with the deroboticizer!" ALL: YAAAAY! > Ryan heard a low hum behind him. He turned TOM: And the low hum bumped into his shin. > just in time to see >the strange green comet TOM: Ho, ho, ho! JOEL, CROW: Green Comet! > impact into him. CROW: Oh, I should have worn my raincoat and slickers. TOM: Well, it could've been worse. JOEL: Yeah. This very nearly turned into an NBC Made-For-TV Miniseries, after all. > On Mobius, TOM: So we're on Mobius again. > just as Ryan was >hit TOM: So we're *not* on Mobius. > with the comet, the machine TOM: And now we're back. JOEL: Don't worry about it, dear. > gave out a whine, CROW: [ Whimpers. JOEL pats him. ] > and an amazingly >bright white flash ALL: HOW BRIGHT WAS IT? [ Pause ] JOEL: I guess it wasn't a joke. > filled Rotor's workshop. CROW: With shaving cream. They're such scamps! > Nothing was heard... TOM: Except the ominous background music. >Everything was changed... CROW: They were all lefthanded now. JOEL: Hey, I'm lefthanded. >Part 2 > Rotor and Bookshire looked at the body JOEL: Oh, *now* look at the mess you've gotten us into, Stanley. > sprawled in front of them. >The deroboticizer gave a final sputter and died. ALL: [ Clapping ] YAAY! > Nothing at all >happened for a full minute. CROW: I counted. > Not a sound from either of the Mobians. > Finally, Rotor spoke up. TOM: So, there was a sound. > "A...a human?" JOEL: More of a B+ human, really. Good idea, but not presented as effectively as he could be. TOM: And he was handed in two days late. CROW: And in a really big font, too. JOEL: Oh, yeah, that never fools the teacher. > Bookshire snapped out of the trance he was in TOM: And clucked like a chicken for two minutes. > at the unexpected >appearance of the new visitor. CROW: Oh, now we're going to have to clean out the guest room! TOM: That's your job. CROW: Nuh-uh. I cleaned it last time. TOM: No, that was me. You promised you were going to-- CROW: You are such a liar. > "I thought the few other humans were captured by Robotnik JOEL: Well, you just thought wrong, Mister. Now go to your room. > during >the coup and roboticized immediately..." > "If so, what's he doing here?" TOM: He's giving this story a reason for existing, okay? So go easy on him. > The human began to stir. JOEL: He thought to bring his mug of Ovaltine with him. > Rotor noted he spoke Mobian. CROW: He can tell that by how he stirs? > "Ooooohhhnnnnn... ALL: [ Chanting ] Ooooohhhnnnnn... > My aching head.... CROW: Well, that's not a very good mantra. > What was that thi-... >Where am I?" JOEL: What have you done with the *real* Professor Astron? CROW: And where'd the baseball equipment he was carrying go? > The young human slowly stood up, and Bookshire and Rotor noted, >that, as with most humans, this one was no exception... CROW: Huh? TOM: If you bring that sentence in to the shop we can have it working for you by Wednesday. > Both of them >only came up to a bit above his waist. JOEL: Standing on top of each other? Huh? > The human looked around, taking in his new surroundings. Then his >eyes fell CROW: Ow! Ow! My eyes! *Darn* these contact lenses! > on the raccoon and walrus on the other side of the room. TOM: What? CROW: There's a raccoon and a walrus in the room? Huh? JOEL: I think they're Bookshire and Rotor. TOM: Why didn't he just say so? JOEL: We probably should have known that before going in. > He >stumbled back surprised. > "W-w-who are you?" he managed to stutter. TOM: Like he said. > Bookshire stepped forward. TOM: So are you the raccoon or the walrus? > "I'm Bookshire, and this is Rotor. >Who might you be?" CROW: I *might* be Walter M. Schirra, Jr, the only astronaut to have been on Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo flights. JOEL: That's telling him, Crow. > The human paused a second to get his bearings, TOM: He kept them in his wallet, next to his video club card. > and said, "My name >is Ryan." ALL: [ Waving ] Hi, Ryan! > Rotor's curiosity sparked JOEL: Oh, he must be the raccoon. Raccoons are supposed to be curious. CROW: You sure he's not the walrus? TOM: Well, if he's the raccoon then the name's alliterative. Rotor Raccoon. CROW: True, true. That's always important. > and he asked, "How did you get here, >Ryan?" JOEL: Oh, I took the 90 bus over to Latham, then got on the number 70 to get over to Veeder Avenue and just walked the rest of the way. You? > Ryan glanced around somewhat nervously and replied, "Well, the >last thing I remember...was...was....a comet of some sort...headed right >at me. TOM: That was such a bummer, man. > I must've blacked out, because next thing I know I-... Wait a >sec! CROW: Which one of you is the walrus? JOEL: And on behalf of everybody, I'd like to thank you both for avoiding Beatles references so far. TOM: We're not going to be able to hold out forever, you know. > Both of you speak...English?" > Bookshire smiled slightly. "We speak Mobian, actually. JOEL: Also French. CROW: And Russian. TOM: Greek. JOEL: German. CROW: Klingon. TOM: Esperanto. > What >about you?" CROW: Italian all the way. > "I guess I must...but..." > At that second, Sonic slammed open the door. TOM: Sonic, that's the *closet*, you doof... > "Guys! Sal and I saw the flash. What happened?" > Ryan looked at the hedgehog this time. JOEL: Okay, I know Sonic is the hedgehog, I've seen those ads. CROW: Also it's the name of the series. JOEL: True, too. > He was even more >bewildered than ever. > Sonic glanced around. Noticing the human, JOEL: Sonic doesn't miss much, does he? > he spoke. "Who on >Mobius is this?" TOM: And why is he dangling my participles? > Ryan shook his head to clear it. CROW: That always works. > "I'm Ryan. You say...this place >is called Mobius?" JOEL: Well, actually, they didn't, did they? TOM: Well...directly? No. CROW: They said he was speaking Mobian, though. TOM: And Sonic's idiom suggested it, at least. JOEL: Maybe there's a globe or an atlas or something wherever they are. > "Place? This whole planet is Mobius!" replied Sonic. CROW: In response. > "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto..." > "Say what?" > "Ah...just a saying where I came from...'cause I know I'm not >there anymore." TOM: Ah, he's a wit. JOEL: Benjamin Franklin would be proud. > Again, the growing group was joined. CROW: By the cast and crew of "The Price Is Right!" > This time by Sally, who was >right behind Sonic. > Sally stopped at the door TOM: So...she didn't join them. > the second she saw a human standing >there in front of her. She couldn't believe her eyes. CROW: "That human has two noses!" TOM: Joel, would you *do* something about him? > Weren't the only >other non-roboticized humans around Robotnik and Snively? CROW: Oh, cool. TOM: Yeah. > The idea >quickly went through her head that this could be a trick...another >android, just like Packbell. JOEL: Why would a telecommunications company try to trick Sally? CROW: The tragic, personal costs of deregulation, Joel. > Could it be? She simply said what came to >mind. JOEL: A line so easy it almost defies riffing. > "Sonic...who is this?" TOM: We think it's Walter M. Schirra Jr., but we're not sure. > Instead of Sonic, the human spoke up. CROW: So Sonic is *not* the human. JOEL: No, we already know who the human is. CROW: Oh yeah. > "I'm Ryan. I've already >met Bookshire, Rotor, Sonic...but you are..?" > "Sally. Er...nice to meet you." ALL: [ Waving ] Hi, Sally-Er! > Sally began to think through what to do. CROW: We could put on a bake sale. TOM: Or do a musical number. JOEL: Full-contact golf? > "What to do..." she >thought to herself. "What if it is a trick..and this person is an >android...but what if he isn't... ARGH! TOM: Kind of a strong reaction. JOEL: Yeah, this wasn't that hard a problem. > It's too soon to assume he's >tricking anybody...he hasn't done anything yet, CROW: So we better just wait for him to betray us first. > and I've only just seen >and met him." > Sally stepped towards Ryan, TOM: And challenged him to a game of turbo-checkers. > and said, "As I said. JOEL: When I said it. > I'm Sally. All >of us here are Freedom Fighters. TOM: [ As Ryan ] Right. And I'm a liberal Republican. > Have you ever heard of Robotnik?" > Ryan paused to think, and answered. "No." CROW: Well, actually, he has, back in the start of this Part. JOEL: He's got a lot on his mind, though. > Sally said, "Robotnik is a tyrant who, years ago, CROW: Three years, four months, two days, nine hours, and seventeen minutes ago, in fact. I just happen to know. > enslaved Mobius >during his revolt against my father, the King of Mobotropolis, TOM: [ As Sonic ] "Aw, great, Sal's off on her little princess fantasy again. I'll get her pills, you get some peanut butter to put them in so she'll swallow 'em." > now >called Robotropolis..." JOEL: Oh, I had the Robotropolis Transformer too. TOM: Yeah? JOEL: Yeah, right after the movie came out and they gave it a new name. CROW: You still have it? JOEL: Not with me, no. CROW: Aw. > Ryan's eyes widened. "If your father was king...that'd make >you..." TOM: A son of a-- JOEL: Daughter. TOM: Oh. CROW: A son of a daughter? > "Yes, a princess... CROW: And so far being a monarch really stinks. > but that title doesn't do much good as long as >Robotnik is in control... JOEL: Well, it improves her business cards. > We, along with several other groups of >Freedom Fighters, TOM: Have been recreating the magic of classic TV shows like "Get Smart" and "The Honeymooners" live on stage every night. CROW: At the Tropicana, in Atlantic City. JOEL: Make your reservations now. > have been trying to seize back control of Mobius." > Sally began think about this newcomer again. TOM: Why'd she stop? CROW: And what male isn't the son of a daughter, anyway? JOEL: It's not worth worrying about. > "Am I telling him >too much? No..what could he do with information that everyone already >knows?" CROW: Hey, knowledge is power. > Sally came out of her train of thought TOM: At New Jersey Transit's Matawan train station. > when the human spoke again. >"Well, I don't like tyrants, JOEL: So let me help reestablish your hereditary monarchy. > and if Robotropolis is that big cloud of >pollution I can just see on the horizon..." TOM: Nah, that's just L.A. > He pointed out a nearby >window. "Then I...would like to join your band of Freedom Fighters." CROW: Also, it's not like I have anything else to do. > Sally opened her mouth, JOEL: And a bunny popped out! > ready to outright refuse his request, but >she looked into his eyes, CROW: Sonic's? JOEL: Ryan's? TOM: Bookshire's? JOEL: Rotor? CROW: The walrus? TOM: Paul. > and saw that same look of determination that >she always saw in Sonic's eyes before an important mission. CROW: All right, but it's going to be *your* human, and you'll have to clean up after it. TOM: And don't think we've forgotten about the gerbil. > "I...I'll think about giving you a chance. JOEL: "A chance is really cool and all, but could I have a go-cart instead?" > Until then, maybe >these three can help you get acquainted with the others...Tails, Sir >Kain, Bunnie..." CROW: Is that all? JOEL: Small planet. > Ryan nodded...he saw her unease, TOM: She kept it in a small jar on the third shelf. > and knew a nod was sufficient. > Sonic was the first to break the silence. "Well, Ryan...let's >show you around Knothole. I'm sure you'll like it." CROW: Given that it's a pathetic little village with no technology, no working toilets, and all designed for animal-people half your size. > Ryan glanced around again, and replied. CROW: In response. > "I hope so, Sonic...I >really hope so. TOM: To repeat himself. JOEL: Over again. > I just realized I may never see my family again..." CROW: But getting back home would probably involve trying or something. > The mention of "family" reached the ear of Princess Sally, JOEL: Well, she was in the room still. > who had >just gone outside, JOEL: Oh. > and brought a tear to her eye. TOM: Characterization...a good idea for any story writer. JOEL: Think about it, won't you all? >Part 3 > INCOMING TRANSMISSION: CROW: [ Getting up ] Oh, I'll get it. JOEL: [ Resting hand on Crow ] No, it's not for us. CROW: Oh. [ Sits down ] What, are you screening our calls? > CMDR. PACKBELL > ROBOTNIK, I AM UNHAPPY TO REPORT THAT TOM: Scott Adams has ended his employment with us. > THE TIME/SPACE > TELEPORTER DID NOT, AS YOU HAD PLANNED, JOEL: He planned for it to not do stuff? > ESSENTIALLY PLUCK A > YOUNGER SONIC OUT OF THE PAST, EASILY GETTING RID OF HIM. CROW: Oh, like time travel ever works in these things. JOEL: If this is his plan, does he need to be reminded of it? TOM: Why "Essentially" pluck a younger Sonic out of the past? Why not actually do it? > INSTEAD, A STRANGE GREEN COMET, TOM: I could swear that's the name of a band. > THAT HAS BEEN ANALYZED AS > WORTHLESS, APPEARED INSTEAD. I AM SORRY TO REPORT THAT THE > PROJECT WAS A FAILURE. JOEL: Wait, you're saying Sonic wasn't a strange green comet when he was growing up? > -END TRANSMISSION- [ CAMBOT starts pulling back ] JOEL: [ Turning around ] No, no, Cambot, not us. [ CAMBOT returns ] JOEL: It's okay, anyone could make the mistake. [ CAMBOT nods ] > That night, after Ryan had met and been introduced to some of the >Freedom Fighters he hadn't met yet, CROW: Somebody got a discount deal on prepositional phrases. > he couldn't sleep. Even though >Sonic, with his speed, had managed to quickly build a small hut for him, TOM: Yeah, yeah, Sonic, build the hut, Sonic, save the world, Sonic, polish the grass...but what about Sonic's needs? JOEL: He's not a machine, you know. CROW: Hey! JOEL: Well, he's not. TOM: Maybe. At this point. CROW: True, we don't know how this is going to end. >Ryan couldn't relax. > After he realized he wasn't going to get much sleep his first >night in this strange new world, CROW: Interdimensional Jet Lag is the worst kind. JOEL: The first night in a new spacetime continuum is always the hardest. > he wandered over to a spot Sonic had >shown him, which he liked the most. TOM: The "Ben and Jerry's" stand. > The power ring pool, he believed it >was called. JOEL: Isn't that, like, their most important secret? CROW: Sure, but naturally the unknown newcomer should be shown right where it is. TOM: They've done it before, Joel--in the episode with Griff... JOEL: "The episode with Griff?" TOM: I had insomnia. It was on USA network. CROW: Yeah, whatever. > Ryan sat down near the tranquil pool on a nearby log, CROW: Nearby. > leaning back >against another tree. TOM: Houston, Tranquility pool here. The Eagle is sitting. > He didn't know how long he was there, JOEL: "All I want is a nice wide field to call home." > a few hours >maybe, but after a while, he heard a twig snap behind him. TOM: The twig can't take the pressure anymore! > Ryan looked >back to see a black feline CROW: [ Eagerly ] Kitty! > standing about ten feet behind him, CROW: In the back. JOEL: Behind. > and he >remembered the face. The feline's name was Sir Kain. CROW: Oh, yeah, there's a secret move to play him in the new Mortal Kombat. > Kain spoke first. "Hello. May I join you there?" TOM: Huh-huh, why, am I falling apart? > Ryan looked down towards his feet. CROW: Which were down. > "Go ahead. You don't need to >ask. After all...it is your planet." TOM: The Donald Trump of Mobius. > Kain smiled slightly, and walked slowly over near Ryan and sat on >a stump, not far away from the log. JOEL: Nor the dish, which ran away with the spoon. > "Actually...I was from Earth as >well. JOEL: "I used to be 'Loopy The Lion,' but we got canceled and I had to find work anywhere. Before you ask, I lost touch with Hardee Har-Har just after 'Laff-A-Lympics.'" > Anything you'd like to get off your mind?" > Ryan finally looked up, surprised, CROW: A cat with two noses! TOM: AH-hem. > then sat back again. JOEL: Well...that was exciting. >"Hmm...I'll need to talk to you about that later... CROW: Your immigration papers are not in order. > Yeah... I can't >rest easily. I also know I won't for a long time... CROW: Stephen Boyett had nothing on this guy. TOM: Alan Dean Foster neither. JOEL: Or the Ewoks: The Battle for Endor Special. > I realized I'll >probably never get back to my world. TOM: Not that I've tried at all. > Still...this place is so much like >Earth, CROW: Except for the civilization, society, history, culture, and species of everyone on it. > only where I came from, creatures like you didn't exist. JOEL: Well, except for you, according to your last bit of dialogue. > Yes, >there were cats, but they didn't stand up or talk, either." > Kain listened carefully, not missing a detail, TOM: Of what? > and responded. CROW: In response. >"Hmm...here, humans became sentient last... JOEL: Just like on Earth, really. TOM, CROW: Hey! JOEL: You're not on Earth, sillies. > When I first got here...I >had turned into a cat... JOEL: I had the right-of-way. He failed to yield. TOM: Still two points on the driver's license, though. CROW: But it's the insurance that gets you. > I know what you mean. Maybe...maybe Earth...is >an alternate reality of Mobius." TOM: Maybe "Sonic the Hedgehog" is an alternate reality of the new Star Treks. > Ryan tensed suddenly and looked up. CROW: All of a sudden. > "By God! I'll just bet >you're right. That'd explain why I understand everyone else and vice- >versa! CROW: Well, no, it doesn't, actually. JOEL: Anyone making a Voyager comment gets a poke in the nose. > But...but it still doesn't get me back home..." > Ryan sat back again, depressed. TOM: He got up? When? > Kain thought of something to say, but nothing came to mind, so he >just sat. "Call me Eric..." TOM: Wait, wasn't he already sitting? JOEL: You could get whiplash reading that paragraph. > > Packbell walked across the room, pacing angrily. > "How could it fail?! CROW: Linux is just one pain after the other. > I checked the program for bugs, and there >were no mistakes. GOD!" JOEL: Well, done all I can do. Guess I'll head for a bar. > Packbell pulled out his laser rifle, CROW: So, is that a laser in your pocket or... > and without turning around, >shot a nearby SWATbot right through the torso. Packbell moved over to >the intercom and spoke into it. TOM: Better than spitting into it. > "Send me another SWATbot, this one >isn't functioning properly right now." JOEL: Apparently Packbell's a grad student with Darth Vader for an advisor. > The intercom crackled briefly, and a robotic monotone CROW: Hey! TOM: Boo! Hiss! > issued forth >from it. "Understood, Commander Packbell." > Packbell resumed his pacing. "This is impossible! CROW: Absolutely inconceivable! > How could this >happ- Hmm...I wonder..." JOEL: Chocolate *and* peanut butter in one snack together...it's kinda crazy, but it just might work! > The android stepped over to the console again and this time, >looked at some sets of figures. TOM: Let's see...black seven onto red eight...red five onto black six... > 1000/: access program time/space, run > RUNNING > 1232/: retrieving data, frame 1000 TOM: Of Talisker. CROW: Oh, cool, it's an adaptation of "The Probability Man." JOEL: Brian N. Ball, neglected science fiction author...but remembered by us. CROW: But who are we? > 1400/: error, major power source interfering > COMMENCING TRANSPORT > 1324/: successful transport, hominid life form retrieved > > Packbell's eyes opened wide. TOM: It's Scotty! CROW: With two noses! > "Hominid?! I got a worthless chunk >of comet! CROW: Gee, I got a licorice. TOM: I got a candy bar. JOEL: I got a rock. > That means...a life form was deposited CROW: At six and one quarter percent interest. > in a random part of >Mobius! TOM: It does? > Obviously not Sonic...but what?" > > Sandra Nightweaver, unknown to Packbell, listened to every word. CROW: "I don't think that SWATbot was really broken." >The fox's black fur blended rather well with the darkness of the air >duct. TOM: New Dark Air. Oxygen with a fresh coat of shellac. > She looked down and smiled. If a newcomer was present on Mobius, JOEL: He'd have to watch out for salt water. >that meant information was capable of being discovered...and sold. CROW: Completely worthless information absolutely unrelated to anything anyone here cared about, but still information nevertheless. > Sandra stealthily moved back down the duct, careful not to make >noise. Before, she would have taunted Packbell slightly, in her own >way, TOM: On a pogo stick. > but after she refused to tell him the location of Knothole, JOEL: It's in the wood. Just follow the grain. > she >was, in his eyes, TOM: [ Singing ] Fox gets in your eyes... > classified as a Freedom Fighter. "Oh, well..." she >thought. "Being alone is worse than being hunted." > After the long crawl through the ducts JOEL: Quack. > of Robotropolis, she made >up her mind. TOM: [ As Sandra ] "Although there's much merit in it, "Rhoda" is just too touchy-feely for my tastes." > She would find the newcomer, and find out about it. CROW: She could have saved herself the trouble if she just read the story up to now. JOEL: Want to take a break, guys? TOM: Sure. [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL ] JOEL, CROW are working on some kind of elaborate gadget; they have various equipment as appropriate scattered around the desk. JOEL: Okay, now, we'll need to wire the Egan compensator just past the Herriman locator... CROW: Right, right, and don't forget the Feynman renormalization block just after the phase-inverse mirror... JOEL: Reflecting the Mitchell tachypomp-generated ray... [ TOM walks in ] TOM: Hi guys. What's up? JOEL: Oh, hi, Tom. We got an idea from the storyline...we're trying to build a gadget that will pluck a version of Dr. Forrester from the past and bring him up here. CROW: That way he'll figure out a way down-- JOEL: And we can follow! TOM: Hey, neat. And vaguely evil, too. JOEL: Sort of...but it's out of strict need. CROW: Yeah. We'll return him back to the past, unless that would require work or something. TOM: But what if you can't? Then he won't be there to send Joel here into orbit, and then he won't build us, and we'll never exist! CROW: Hey! Joel, are you trying to get rid of us? JOEL: No, no, of course not. Remember basic time-travel logic: if you did something that would cause you never to be created, Crow, then that would create a paradox. CROW: Okaaaay... JOEL: And the Universe doesn't allow paradoxes. CROW: Uh-huh... JOEL: So whatever we do, history will be sculpted so that you can be here and building this time machine. CROW: Oh! I see. So whatever happens, my existence is secured! JOEL: Me too, yeah. TOM: [ Slightly worried ] Hey, guys, uh...can I help with the time machine thingy? CROW: [ Taunting ] I don't know...we're pretty near done... TOM: C'mon, can I paint it or something? JOEL: Aw, of course you can, Tom. Here you go. [ Attaches screwdriver to TOM's hand. ] Now, there's a loose circuit board in there; just secure it in a little bit and then your work on this will guarantee that you're safe. [ TOM pokes the screwdriver in. ] CROW: And we're done! JOEL: Uh-huh...test routines are running. TOM: Are we 'go'? JOEL: In a minute or so. [ Some waiting ] CROW: Hey, Joel, what you said about history resculpting itself to avoid paradoxes... JOEL: Yeah? CROW: Any idea what might happen? JOEL: None. I guess anything that doesn't actually break the laws of physics may happen. [ A light blinks and the machine 'bing's. ] JOEL: Here we go! TOM: Oooh, let me... JOEL: Just press the button on the side there... [ TOM hits the gadget on the side. Machine immediately blows up. When the smoke clears TOM is nowhere to be seen. ] CROW: Huh. JOEL: Well. CROW: I guess that's one way. [ TOM staggers up, nastily broken. ] TOM: [ Groans ] JOEL: What happened, Tom? TOM: It was like...remember the end sequences in 2001? CROW: Sure. JOEL: Yeah. TOM: Nothing at all like that. It was more like the opening sequence from "Monday Night Football." [ Commercial sign flashes ] JOEL: You poor boy... [ Pats TOM. ] We'll be right back. [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ] [ BREAK ]