This MSTing's host segments continue where the MSTing of Tricks of the Trade left off (http://pinky.wtower.com/cgi-bin/mstdisplay/tricks_trade.1.JB.txt). For you lazy-butts out there (it's a joke; don't hit), here's a brief summary of my last MSTing's host segments: The Widowmaker lands on the planet of that Sega mascot, Sonic. Neither party is too pleased until the Sonic group decides to send Mike and the robots nothing but bad Sonic fanfics (until Mike blows up this planet). But Sonic & Co. are a bit biased against the non-furry Pearl. That about sums it up. Now be afraid. [Season 8 theme] [SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk] [Crow and Tom, left to right respectively.] TOM: Hmmm, true, true. But there are so many other foods he couldn't enjoy, such as bananas, or the lovely fresh taste of real lemonade. CROW: Unless it was pink. TOM: Also true. [Enter Mike] MIKE: Howdy, y'all, I'm Mike and welcome to the Satellite of Love. We are currently orbiting the planet Mobius inhabited by Sonic the Hedgehog and his friends in some lame attempt at a cross-over. Behind me are Thomas W. Servo and Crotus T. Robot, who are... um... what're you doing, anywho? TOM: Isn't it obvious? CROW: [Stage whisper to Tom] You hafta explain everything to this guy. TOM: Well, Mike, you know how the Green Lantern is vulnerable to everything yellow? Of course you do. Anyway, Crow and I were discussing what simple common-day things he would have to miss out on. MIKE: You mean like attacking Crow. TOM: Don't let's start this again. CROW: Exactly, Mike. Now, if you're a good boy, you may join this conversation. MIKE: Why, I'd be delighted, good sir. CROW: So, Tom, let's just cut out that part about food; it's too broad. TOM: Agreed. Hmm... CROW: Well, he'd be limited to dating brunettes and red-heads. TOM: Yeah, and if he ever *did* find the "special someone," he'd have to buy a really cheap ring that already turned itself green. MIKE: Speaking of which, I doubt they'd be able to take a cab to their honeymoon. TOM: Very good. But I'd doubt he'd be able to use the road, period. CROW: Yellow stripe down the middle... TOM: Yield signs... CROW: Middle traffic light... MIKE: Okay, okay. But he'd probably miss out on some good "Simpsons" shows. CROW: And "Sesame Street." TOM: Or "Mystery Science Thea..." Wait, I'm not supposed to know about that. CROW: Due to this, he'd probably have to have a black and white TV, anyway. TOM & MIKE: Oh, yeah. TOM: He'd also be limited on pets. No golden retrievers. CROW: Or gold fish. TOM: Actually, they tend to be more red, don't they? CROW: Then why would they be called gold fish?? MIKE: I think Tom's right, Crow. CROW: Well, ha-RUMF. TOM: Only silver doorknobs. MIKE: And he'd have to be picky about notebook paper. TOM: And pencils. CROW: Frankly, I believe he'd have to drink strictly water. Come potty time... MIKE: Crow? CROW: He also couldn't be around dogs in the winter. TOM & MIKE: CROW! [Commercial sign] MIKE: Thanks for ruining it for us. We'll be right back. CROW: Zits couldn't be allowed to get too pussy... [Commercials] [Back to the SOL, left as was] CROW: He also couldn't pick his nose. In which case he'd be screwed if he had a cold. MIKE: Oh, I'm just leaving. CROW: He also can't squash a cockroach. MIKE: OH, STOP IT! [Leaves, as follows Tom] CROW: Oh, yeah? Like your comments on shoes, ships, and ceiling wax are fun! Boy! [Pause] They should be calling any minute... [Pause] Any minute... [Pause] Aw, hell, I'll just call them. [Hits Mads' button with his nose] Hello? [Mobius, Pearl is in the village holding buckets of water. She looks tired and her usual grumpy self] PEARL: Art, you couldn't have come at a worse time. These stupid vermin are forcing manual labor in exchange for food and shelter. Earning it is like saying I don't deserve it otherwise - of course that's not true. But what does Booboo have to do? Nothing! Do ya believe it? These people are biased due to my human heritage. It's just like an anthropomorphic to perform "racial" slurs. [Observer walks by in the background] PEARL: And where do you think you're off to? OBSERVER: I finished my chores with my mind; I'm gonna veg' at the tube. Ta! [A badly animated Sonic walks in] SONIC: [To Pearl] Mush! Move it! PEARL: Shaddup, pip-squeak. Whaddaya think I am; a robot? SONIC: [Covering his ears] Worse, believe it or not. PEARL: Hey, none of that Jack Palance stuff! SONIC: Who? PEARL: You people from another planet are so uncultured. SONIC: And I find it hard to believe I found something worse than a robot, and am actually letting it live here. [SOL] [Crow and Tom are in front of a chart, Crow holding a meter stick. Mike is behind the chart] CROW: And just what is wrong with robots? TOM: Now look at this... [Mike removes the visual aids as Tom lists them off. Crow points at them with his stick] First, they've been known to carry materials too dangerous for human hands, excluding Homer Simpson. They have destroyed Japan several times; don't tell me that's a bad thing. As Pinky and the Brain have proven, robots aid very well in world conquest! Without robots, you would not have any convertibles! And you'd miss half-way decent movies like 'Star Wars', '2001: Space Oddessy', and many, many 'Lost in Space' reruns. And THAT, my good friend, is why robots are great! [Mobius] SONIC: Down here, they're controlled by a single evil overlord. [SOL] TOM: Oh, well then forget everything I just said. CROW: D'oh. [Mobius] [Bobo walks in] SONIC: Yo'! BOBO: Heh heh. What is with you and not finishing saying yo-yo? SONIC: Um, whatever. BOBO: Lawgiver, um, what was that thingie-thing-thing you were gonna send Mike? PEARL: The fanfic. BOBO: Oh, yeah! [To Mike] We're gonna send you a fanfic called... uh... PEARL: "Orcium." BOBO: What the hell kinda name is that? Oh - A fanfic called "Orcium" written by... er... PEARL: Oh, let me do it! Mike, yer getting the worst Sonic fanfic I know, and that's pretty bad, considering. It's "Orcium", written by some guy who forgot his own name or something. But first, a hunka hunka burnin' spam called... uh... BOBO: It's pronounced $$$. PEARL: Yes, it's called - The hell? How'd you pronounce *that*. BOBO: It's all in the tongue. SONIC: I guess I'll get Rotor to send it up to them. [Runs off] BOBO: Wait for me! [Runs two steps and falls down exhausted] PEARL: You make me sick... [SOL] [Chart still up, this time showing a graph. Crow points to it with his yard stick] CROW: NASDAQ is down three points today. But in other news, "Poopie" tape sales are going swimmingly! [Alarms] MIKE: [Flinging up the graph] WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN!! [Chart lands on Tom] TOM: Ow, hey! [Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...SAFE...] [All enter and sit] MIKE: Sorry `bout that. TOM: Yeah, yeah. >Date: TOM: Noun. A fruit commonly used in cakes. > Thu, 04 Sep 1997 20:16:34 +0000 MIKE: Plus four zeroes at no extra charge. >From: sbliss@earthfriends.com CROW: Friends of Earth are commonly filled with sbliss. >Subject: $$$ MIKE: I'm subject to $$$ myself. >To: sbliss@earthfriends.com TOM: I think they failed to send it to themselves. >Priority: CROW: Hedgehog. TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Am not! > normal >Comments: MIKE: Boy, do we have some. > Authenticated sender is TOM: Peace. MIKE: Mmmm. TOM: Bliss. CROW: Ahhh. TOM: Earth Friends. MIKE: These are loving spammers. > >Do You Own Or Have Access To An >IBM Compatible Computer CROW: If not, then how did you receive this?? TOM: What about Macs? CROW: I reiterate... > And Printer? > >Would You Like To Earn > $19,500 > In Just 12 Weeks? ALL: Sure! We all do! > >Can You Afford To Invest $25? >(Only $5 To Start!!) TOM: Was this guy a former credit card salesman? > >If the answer to these questions is YES, MIKE: Then you're too loud. > then join >us TOM: Hey, that's my line! > in the most exciting business opportunity of the >decade!! CROW: Fraternizing with Stephen Hawkings!! > >Our UNIQUE Computer-based business is brand new, MIKE: No one else has spammed before. Sure. >simple to operate, TOM: He obviously hasn't read that list of computer illiterates in Reader's Digest. > and very, very profitable! CROW: Yeah, but can you earn money? > It >will cost you only $5 for your personal business >package which comes on a disk, and contains all >the software needed. MIKE: Like, um, disks. > It actually runs your business >for you! Knowledge of computers is not needed. TOM: Where's the 'any' key? > It >really is that simple!! CROW: Morons like you can now lose hundreds of dollars in a matter of days. > >PLEASE READ THIS INFORMATION CAREFULLY! > >I KNOW YOU WILL AGREE THAT THIS PROGRAM IS THE BEST >AND MOST UNIQUE YOU HAVE EVER RECEIVED!! TOM: Now what's all this an acronym for? > GUARANTEED!! CROW: I guarantee it. > >All You Need To Know About NETWORK! MIKE: We really *don't* need to know anything about NETWORK!, y'know. > >The IBM compatible NETWORK! software disk costs just >$5 ($10 when ordering from the UK where the program >originated) TOM: Even though this doesn't help Englanders at all, as dollars aren't even their currency. > yet it is designed to bring you a total >of $19,500 within a remarkably short period of time. MIKE: Thirty years will go by like that! >Here's how it works: CROW: Push the button that says 'on.' > >Load it into your PC. TOM: Am I allowed a polite 'duh'? CROW: Y'know, there are those who use the CD-ROM as a cup holder and keep shoving disks into the drive without taking out the last one. MIKE: Plus, only morons would go for this anyway. TOM: Okay, okay. > You will be impressed MIKE: Into carbonite. > with the >professional appearance of the software, CROW: They even come individually shrink-wrapped! TOM: Oooooooooooooooo. > and how it >is so easy to operate! TOM: This all sounds great, but is it easy to operate? > The menu includes access to >a complete set of instructions. MIKE: Wait. How do I get into the menu? They said this was easy! > You will also receive >separate written step-by-step instructions, CROW: Step one: Take out the instructions. Step two: Read the instructions. > so you >don't even need to be familiar with computers! TOM: And I can repeat myself because you may not be familiar with English. > >The names and addresses of four people will appear >on your screen. MIKE: All of which are oddly enough 'Gary'. > The computer will ask you to type >in your own name and address, TOM: So we can trace you down and squeeze you for your every penny. > and your printer will >automatically produce a separate Purchase Order for >each of those four people. CROW: Why isn't it printing? MIKE: Do you have the printer on? CROW: No. MIKE: Well? CROW: It said it'd do it automatically! > Simply mail the orders, >enclosing a check or money order TOM: No CODs. Void where prohibited. Details inside. > for $5 with each. MIKE: So in a technicality, you pay five bucks for a disk, then another twenty for the actual "program". CROW: I can find cheaper ways to lose money. TOM: Huh? >In exchange for your order and payment, CROW: I'll send you a moldy cookie I found under the couch. > the four >people will each send you a different code number. TOM: One, two, three, and nine. >Enter these codes into the computer where it tells >you to do so, MIKE: Oh, I was gonna write it on a piece of paper, then rub it on the monitor like a fax machine. > and then you are able to make copies >of the NETWORK! disk. TOM: Whoopti-fart. > You cannot make copies without >these four codes! CROW: [Deadpan] Oh, no. Please, tell me the codes. > The program won't let you. TOM: ...key in the codes. It really makes no sense. > Once you >can duplicate the disk MIKE: Is it easy? > (which is very easy to do), MIKE: Oh, good. >sell each disk CROW: Via black market in a dark German alley. > to other people who own or have >reasonable access to an IBM compatible PC. TOM: You can indirectly annoy millions of people in a matter of days. > They >will want to buy because of the profit opportunities >they, too, will have! MIKE: If they have the intelligence of Steve Forbes. > Selling isn't difficult. CROW: In fact, it's easy. > Just >show them a copy of the flyer and these pages! TOM: Now they're trying to send spam via humans. CROW: {Knock knock} Door-to-door spam salesman! Is the lady of the house in? > >WHAT DO YOUR BUYERS DO? MIKE: DO THEY BUY? NAH, THAT CAN'T BE IT... HANG ON... > >When they load CROW: Themselves. > your duplicated disk, they will be >instructed to do the same thing as you did, MIKE: Thus the viscous cycle shall begin, then I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!! > which is TOM: Really easy. >to send $5 to 4 people. Like you, CROW: Oh, c'mon. No one'll like you after you give them this. > they will receive >codes allowing them to duplicate TOM: Like: "Lie back and enjoy." MIKE: Tom, 'duplicate' and 'reproduce' are completely different. CROW: Yeah, but that isn't any fun. > the disk as many >times as they wish. MIKE: I wish zero. > But before they duplicate, CROW: They must find some one else of opposite gender. Like that'll happen if you fall for get-rich-quick schemes. > YOUR >name and address will have taken top position in the >system, TOM: So in your miserable life, you'll be finally first in *something*. > and the bottom name and address will have >disappeared. MIKE: It must've SNAPPED! TOM: IT'S GONE! CROW: WHERE DID IT GO? > This means that 25 disks will list your >name and address as a code seller. CROW: [Nerd] Wow! {Snort} I'm famous! > >25 people will now send you $5 along with the >purchase order generated by their disk (total $125). MIKE: Just for you guys that can't do basic math. >Just load your copy of NETWORK! TOM: LOOK POLISH! > and by selecting a >menu, CROW: I'll have some lasagna. > your computer will automatically generate TOM: Cybersex taken to a new level. > and >print out codes you should mail to them! MIKE: Is it really exciting enough to end with an exclamation point? CROW: Oh, wow! It can print! > >Now, when those 25 people sell to 5 people each, TOM: Here we go again. >your name will automatically move from the top >position to the second position on the screen. CROW: [Nerd] Oh, this is so degrading. > As >one of the four code sellers, 125 (5x25) MIKE: It's true kids! Use a calculator to find out! > will each >send you $5 for your code TOM: Given that every U.S. citizen is dense as a brick. > (which they must have to >make copies of the disk they can sell). CROW: AS WAS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED! MIKE: Boy. > That's TOM: Showbiz. >$625 to add to your first $125 which adds up to >$750 so far. [All hum the 'Sesame Street' theme until the end of the paragraph] > But that's only the start. When the >125 people sell to 5 other each, and your name >moves to the 3rd position on everyone's screen, 625 >people (5x125) will each send you $5...which equals >$3,125 PLUS the $750 you received earlier now totals >$3,875!! CROW: More math than every 'Schoolhouse Rock' and 'Square One' episode combined. > >THE FINAL MULTIPLIER EFFECT! MIKE: IT'S THE END! > >HERE IS WHERE IT BECOMES AWESOME! TOM: Dude. MIKE: Buddy. CROW: Homie. > Your next payment, >in the 4th and final position, will be $5 times 3,125, >which is $15,625! TOM: Is Yakko Warner gonna sing a song about this? > Add this to your previous $3,875 >and your grand total is $19,500!!!! After this, your >name disappears from future duplicated disks. CROW: [Nerd] Oh, poo. There goes my fame. > Don't >forget, people must send $5, otherwise you won't send >their code. Without the code, people CANNOT duplicate >their disk. TOM: ...everyone of you thick-headed bastards. MIKE: The Bible's less repetitive. > The design of the software won't let them! >Also, they can't generate their own codes. MIKE: [Plugging his nose] I god a code. > The system >is UNSHAKABLE, TOM: Never, NEVER, *NEVER* shake a baby. > so there's no way people can't >"break in" CROW: I use the term loosely here. They obviously *can* break in; it's a minor design failure, admittedly... > without the codes they receive from the >four people shown on their screen! > >You may be asking, MIKE: "Why the hell am I even reading this?" > "if 5 people sell to 5 people, and >those people sell to 5 others and so on, it won't be >long before we run out of people." TOM: That wasn't exactly a question, was it? CROW: This guy has obviously never heard of "population growth." > When you make >$19,500, your duplicated and re-duplicated disk will >have reached only 3,905 people. MIKE: So it's strictly limited to that many? > That's not many when >you consider that there are millions of people in >this country alone who own or have a access to a PC! TOM: That is if any of you dorks can count past three. >What's more, this program just started in the United >Kingdom, and is just now spreading to Canada and the >United States, CROW: That's what happens when you bring in a species foreign to the land. > so you are in at the very beginning. >The fact that it started in the UK shows it has >worldwide appeal! MIKE: Is this guy implying that the UK owns the world? TOM: Everyone knows it belongs to the US. > Think globally, and make sure your >disk has it's passport ready! CROW: Even the disk's passport photo is ugly. > >GETTING STARTED TOM: Um, didn't we go through this? MIKE: I hope Mrs. F. isn't looping this. CROW: Shhh, don't give her any ideas. > >You will receive a 3 1/2" floppy disk. MIKE: If they're in a hard plastic covering now, how come they're still called floppy? > For ease of >working, your computer should have a 3 1/2" floppy >driver or one 3 1/2" drive and a hard disk. TOM: God! How stupid does he think we are??? > A single >drive will work, but it makes copying a little tedious. CROW: Sort of like waiting in line for the Xerox at the office. >Any printer will suffice providing it will print plain >text (not postcript). MIKE: Even a chubby guy with a ball-point pen will work. > >To get your disk, instructions, flyers, etc., send $5 >to the person who gave you or mailed you this >information. CROW: I have the feeling that most spammers are people that aren't allowed to borrow from their parents anymore. > When your packet of information arrives, TOM: Shove it. >it will show you how to load and operate the software >program. Just follow the instructions to generate the >4 Purchase Orders required to get the codes needed so >you can duplicate the disk. MIKE: Guys, I have déjà vu. TOM: Me, too. MIKE: Guys, I have déjà vu. TOM: Me, too. MIKE: Guys, I have déjà vu. TOM: Me, too. MIKE: Guys, I have déjà vu. TOM: Me, too. > >The easiest way for you to "get the ball rolling" CROW: Let's not roll any balls, thank you. > and >sell five disks (which must be your first goal) MIKE: Forget about finding a decent job or true love; do this first. > is to >hand out copies of the flyer and these pages to people >you know have a computer. TOM: You can make tons by selling these to Microsoft staffers. > Personal contacts are always >the most effective MIKE: [Holding his eye] Hold it, guys; I've lost a personal contact. > and have little or no cost connected >with them. But direct mail, CROW: "Sort this, deliver that; I'll make 'em all pay." > classified ads, brochures >left in unusual places, TOM: Boy, he made that one too easy. > cable TV ads, bulk e-mail.. >the list is endless... MIKE: Unfortunately. > all work effectively! CROW: Depending on your loose definition of 'effectively'. > >CAN YOU SELL MORE THAN 5 DISKS? MIKE: Of course not. You said we were limited to 3,905 people in all. > >Certainly! MIKE: The hell? > NETWORK! allows you to make as many >duplicates as you may wish. TOM: More sheep than you can possibly imagine! > The software will even >calculate the results with whatever numbers you choose. >But remember, CROW: A bird in hand is- Oh, wait, that's something else. > if you sell 5 disks and everyone else >does the same, you will eventually have to handle >3,905 purchase orders in which you send the code they >need. MIKE: But, trust me, it's easy. > But, the NETWORK! TOM: I wish it was Cartoon NETWORK! > software makes everything easy >for you. MIKE: I told you. > It prints out all the codes in a Sales Receipt >format with your address in the top left to fit window >envelopes, so you don't even need to address or type >envelopes. CROW: But you still hafta lick the envelope. > Similarly, when you order your own four >codes at the start, NETWORK! automatically prints out >the four Purchase Orders with your name and address, >plus the name and address you're sending to at the top >left! TOM: End, already! > >NO ONE CAN CHEAT YOU! CROW: EXCEPT THE GUYS IN ANY WAY INVOLVED WITH THIS! > >Yes, it's impossible to cheat the NETWORK! Software! >No MIKE: Make up your mind. > names and address can be erased to put in the names >of "friends," TOM: Please don't sing the theme song. > and the software is programmed to >generate CROW: An electro-barrier. > constantly changing codes which cannot be >"guessed." MIKE: Except if you have the luck of Dexter Douglas. > Without the correct codes, nothing works! TOM: Those are actually words to live by. > >The NETWORK! system was developed by a professional >programmer CROW: Who is still living with his mother in the basement living on nothing but fluff 'n nutter sandwiches. > who has written software for the London >Stock Exchange, the Health Service, and British >Aerospace. MIKE: And did a guest appearance on Letterman. > It looks professional, and works >professionally. TOM: So it's professional. > Some of the best whiz-kids have tried >to break the system and failed. MIKE: I know how to. CROW: Hm? MIKE: Run an ax through it. CROW: I wish I had one now. > In addition, CROW: Oh no, not more math. > NETWORK! >checks itself for viruses. If it finds any >modifications, it will simply refuse to run, so your >system is fully protected without damaging your files. TOM: Gee, that's, um, great. >The distribution process is similarly safeguarded. >By holding a duplicate of the software within itself, >NETWORK! makes absolutely sure that each copy is the >same as the original. MIKE: Well, then it really isn't a duplicate, is it? > >All you have to do now is send for your disk, and >you're on your way to $19,500 in just a few weeks!! TOM: Please end. > >------------------------------------------------------- CROW: This file is Ziplocked for freshness. > >Here is my $5 Cash/Check/Money Order MIKE: Slash rip-off. > ($10 for countries >outside of the USA). TOM: Didn't he already make it apparent that the UK and Canada were the only other countries to receive this? > I want to join the high-tech >MONEY-MAKIMG revolution Now! CROW: Netscape: NOW! TOM: It's hard to look professional when you make a typo on 'money-making'. > Please rush the NETWORK! MIKE: To everyone I hate. >business package by first class mail. > >Name:__________________________________________________ TOM: Got one of those. > >Address:_______________________________________________ TOM: Got one of those, too. > >City/State/Zip:________________________________________ TOM: Don't got one of those. CROW: Why say 'state' if it was mentioned that this went out of the country as well? > >E-Mail Address:________________________________________ CROW: Crow@biteme.com. Everyone knows that by now. > > >Send To: >Earth Friends MIKE: What is this? Biodegradable spam? >P.O. Box 10202 >Daytona Beach, FL 32120-0202 >USA CROW: Yo'! Daytona! WHOOOO! > >-----> This e-mail was sent by Glenfinnan, TOM: I'd shoot myself if I had a name like that. > a bulk >e-mail service. MIKE: That means it's run by a fat guy. > For more information, please visit >http://www.glenfinnan.com or send an e-mail to >network@glenfinnan.com TOM: So what happened to all that 'Earth Friends' stuff? > We offer special prices MIKE: At Wal-Mart. >to people participating in the NETWORK! system. ALL: [Leaving] JOIN US! [SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk] [Mike is half off-screen to the left holding a stopwatch. Gypsy, Crow, and Tom (left to right respectively) have large tubs of Spam™ (the meat, not the `net junk) in front of them on the desk] MIKE: Alright, people, you have thirty seconds to finish your entire tub of Spam™. Whoever can choke down enough in this time will win approximately $19,500. Do you understand? BOTS: Hidy-ho, Ranger Joe! MIKE: Then [Hitting watch] GO! [Tom and Crow literally dive in as Gypsy chows as quickly as she can. Spam™ bits are flinging from Tom and Crow's tubs as exaggerated munching sounds can be heard from them] [Mobius, in the middle of the village. Pearl and Observer stare in disgust. Bobo, however...] BOBO: I am green with envy. OBSERVER: I'm just green. [SOL, Gypsy's finished] GYPSY: {Urp} `Scuse me. TIME! MIKE: Twenty-eight seconds! Our new champion! TOM & CROW: [Still in their tubs] Uhhhhhggggggg... [Both come up with completely spherical torsos] CROW: I believe I shall beef. MIKE: Beef's in our next round. [Crow turns around and retches] TOM: It's really not fair considering that Gypsy's body leads out of the ship. CROW: Yeah, ever since Dr. F. disconnected the umbilicus, Gypsy basically, well, poops out into space. GYPSY: I am so embarrassed. MIKE: Yech. TOM: And it could have very well caught into the planet's gravity and... [Mobius, the trio are covered in chewed Spam™ bits and grease] PEARL: Could I hate them more? OBSERVER: Ug. BOBO: Yum. [Commercials]