[All enter and sit. The bots are back to normal size] TOM: Good thing we have high metabolism. >Sonic the Hedgehog: Orcium TOM: New Sonic brand Orcium. CROW: What the heck *is* Orcium, anyway? MIKE: Um, sounds like a new brand of licorice. TOM: No, I think it's some sort of cereal. CROW: Maybe it's a facial cream. TOM: Is it Sampo related? >by Bookshire Draftwood CROW: What? MIKE: You've gone too far if you say your character wrote the story. > >Creative Consultant: Craig Fox > >based on a concept by Craig Fox TOM: But not *by* Craig Fox. > >the author of this work CROW: Has temporarily forgotten the use of a shift key. > will accept questions and comments at the >following addresses: >bookshire@inficad.com bookshire@rat.org MIKE: And bookshire@weasel.net. > >the creative consultant of this work will accept questions and comments at >toddfox@primenet.com TOM: Not at all related to the Todd from the Disney film. CROW: Not at all. MIKE: Wasn't that a book first? TOM: Disney dominates. How else could they copyright Winnie the Pooh? > >this story is protected under Copyright law. CROW: Oh, poop. > The author grants his >permission for free CROW: Oh, goodie. > unaltered distribution CROW: Oh, poop. > of this work through any >electronic media. TOM: What if I print it out and connect the paper to the car battery with jumper cables? MIKE: You *would* wonder that. > Any other use, including the sale of this work for >money are prohibited. MIKE: Well, I'm gonna sell it for beans, so it won't be against the law. > >based on characters created by Service and Games (SEGA) Inc. CROW: Who, sadly for them, Nintendo is beating the snot out of. > and Archie >Comic Publications, Inc. MIKE: Sadly, I am forever tortured with their 70s theme song. > Todd appears courtesy of Craig Fox. TOM: I'm beginning to question that his last name is really 'Fox.' > >Story: CROW: Of a lovely lady who was bringing up her very lovely girls. > > The sun shown brightly over the Great Forest. TOM: Y'know, 'round midnight-ish. > It was the start of >early summer MIKE: [Singing] No more homework! No more books! No more teachers' dirty looks! > and the temperature was only just beginning to pick up TOM: UPN. > during >the days. On this particular day, MIKE: The sun was shining brightly. > Sally was meeting with Bookshire in his >hut CROW: Um... > to discuss something he'd found in the RMCC. TOM: Let's just pretend we know what that stands for and move on, shall we? > "Actually, I can't tell what it is," MIKE: "What is an RMCC?" > Bookshire said, as he read >through the files "All I can figure out is that it's something TOM: "That involves Kathy Lee Gifford. It's terrifying." > Robotnik's >involving over half of his resources in." CROW: "Even the bakery. I think he's planning a surprise for us." > "That could be bad," Sally was saying MIKE: "But we can't prove it, so let's not get involved." > "We'll have to get out there >and see what's going on." > "Good idea," Bookshire responded TOM: "I was planning on letting Robotnik finish it then kill us. Thank goodness for your royal intellect." > "I'll relay any other information >I get directly to you." CROW: "Just don't cut the 5.25 disks to fit your 3.5 drive again, ya computer illiterate moron." > "Thanks, Book," Sally said. > > She left Bookshire to his work and crossed over MIKE: So soon? Boy, this story was over quick. > to the meeting >hall where the others were ready and waiting. TOM: As she walks down the aisle, it turns out they were really cardboard cutouts. > "Attention, everyone," Sally announced as she entered CROW: [Random crowd member] Couldja hold on a minute? I'm on the twenty- fifth level of Tetris. > "Bookshire's >uncovered parts ALL: Eewww. > of a plan that Robotnik's been working on. He's dedicated >half of his resources to it, MIKE: "As was mentioned in our prologue." > so, needless to say, CROW: "We'll all have to wear chicken suits." > we'll need to get out >there and find out what's going on. MIKE: "As was also mentioned in the prologue." > The team will consist of CROW: "The Marx Brothers." > Sonic, >myself, TOM: Who's that? > Bunnie, CROW: "Yes, the one with the unimaginative parents." > Todd TOM: "Who is currently in a law suit with Disney." > and Rotor." MIKE: Given his name, I bet he has a beanie on his head. CROW: Hehe. > Tails piped in. TOM: Oh, PHEW! Man! > "I wanna go to," he said. CROW: To where? > "Sorry, Tails," Sally said TOM: "We can't risk your moronic intelligence ruining our careful plans anymore. You understand." > "This mission'll be deep CROW: Hurting. > into >Robotropolis. It'd be too dangerous for you to come along." MIKE: "We can't stop for a bathroom break every three minutes." > "But, Sally..." > "I'm sorry, Tails, but you can't go," Sally was firm. TOM: Just look at those abs. > Tails sat back and grumbled MIKE: Some words we can't mention in a cartoon. > for a second before getting up and >leaving. Both Sally and Todd were tempted to go after him, but the >mission had to come first. CROW: But the lasting flavor of their gum was more important than that. > One of them would talk with him when they got >back. MIKE: You do it. CROW: You do it. MIKE: You do it. CROW: You. MIKE: You! CROW: You! > After a little more planning, TOM: [Sally] "Okay, how 'bout this; we go in and figure out what he's doing." > the team left for Robotropolis. > > Tails kicked the stones MIKE: [Wincing] Ew. > out of his path as he walked around near >the edge of Knothole, grumbling angrily. TOM: Oh, c'mon. It's a happy grumble. I can tell. > Sonic was doing solo missions >when he was ten, and now Tails, who was also ten, couldn't even go on a >team mission. CROW: Teens just displace anger on to the younger one of the family, resulting in power lust. But they really care. > As he continued to walk and to grumble, MIKE: And to walk. > he ended up walking MIKE: And grumbling. >a small ways away from the village. TOM: That seems to happen when you walk away from it. > Quite suddenly, he heard a noise to >his left. CROW: Oh, good. We have stage direction. > Going to investigate, he accidently bumped into a slender, >white furred female wolf who was probably in her mid twenties. MIKE: He goes to investigate something, and he doesn't notice an adult right to the left of him. TOM: Not that I wouldn't mind bumping into that. CROW: Depending on height differences, how low do you suppose he bumped into her? MIKE: Let's just drop the subject. > Tails >looked up in surprise. > "Who're you?" he asked. TOM: [Wolf] "I'm a little pixie!" MIKE: [Tails] "Do you need medication?" TOM: [Wolf] "Only fairy dust!" MIKE: [Tails] "Sure. Uh-huh." > "Perhaps I should ask that question of you first," CROW: "I being the bitch and all." > the wolf >smiled. TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MIKE: We're not reading a Ryan Huber story. Relax. > "My name's Tails," Tails responded. MIKE: In response as Tails responded to the question in which Tails responded. > "I'm Christina," the wolf said. TOM: The first person in here with a decent name since Sally. > "I've never seen you around here before," Tails said. > "Oh, I'm just staying here temporarily," Christy said CROW: "The aliens said they'd pick me up in ten minutes." > "I'm with >the wolf pack, in case you haven't guessed." MIKE: Oh, really? I thought you were one of the Mighty Ducks. > Tails blinked and then nodded. The wolf pack had representatives >and guests in and out of Knothole all the time these days TOM: Stealing all their TVs and jewelry in a way similar to a bucket brigade. > for assorted >reasons, so it really wasn't unnatural for at least one to be around >almost all the time. CROW: Even this zit-faced one walking all around town asking everyone "Will you be my friend?" > "You look a little sad," MIKE: "Being that you're walking and grumbling." > Christy said as she sat down on a nearby >log "Want to talk about it?" > "Yeah, I guess so," Tails said TOM: "It all started when I was three. I was an abused child, and-" CROW: [Christy snoring] TOM: "I'm gonna go kill myself now." > "I guess it's just that Sally MIKE: "Is a putz. It's all her fault." >thinks I'm too young to go on missions, and I'm not. TOM: "Just look at my ID. I know the picture doesn't look *quite* like me, but I really am 21." > Sonic did solos at >my age, and I can't even go on team missions. MIKE: "Like the narrator told me a couple of paragraphs ago." > It just makes me so mad >sometimes, I want to scream." CROW: [Pee-Wee] The word for today is "mad!" ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! > Christy nodded. That smile of her's never quite seemed to >disappear. TOM: Mike, you said this wasn't a Ryan story. > "Why are you smiling," Tails demanded almost indignantly CROW: "Go to hell, Christina!" > "It's not >funny." > "No, it's not that," Chrsty said MIKE: "It's just that little dribble of snot dripping out of your nose." > "I'm just thinking, that maybe >you need to relax. CROW: Hakuna matata. > You need something to make you feel better." TOM: [Quickly] Butter. > "Oh yeah," Tails said "Got anything particular in mind?" > Christy shrugged. MIKE: "Whatever." > "Not really," she said "Although, if you're in the mood for some >sweets, I've got some really delicious candy with me. TOM: "Do ya like 'Nerds'?" > You might like >it." > Tails thought about that for a moment. CROW: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." > "Well," he hesitated "What is it?" MIKE: An Everlasting Gomp-Stomper. > The wolf reached into the CROW: Hm? > pouch she was carrying CROW: Oh. > and took some >out. TOM: Some what out? Part of the pouch? What? > It was completely clear, MIKE: Oh, it's Zima. > and looked almost like rock candy to Tails. > "It's called Orcium," CROW: We have a title, folks! > Christy said "Tastes real good." > "Looks like rock candy," Tails said. MIKE: "I know cuz the narrator told me so." > "Well, it is kinda," Christy responded TOM: "Sorta... well, no." > "Just that this tastes >better and it lasts a lot longer. CROW: Longer with Big Red. > Want some?" TOM: [Tails] "Hell, yeah!" {Gobble! Chomp! Snort! Munch! Snort!} MIKE: [Christy] "Take it outta the box first." > Tails considered this for a moment. CROW: He does that a bit, doesn't he? > One of the first things he >own parents had taught him long before he was seperated from them was MIKE: Never be separated from us. > to >not accept ANY ALL: WAUGH! > thing from anybody he didn't know. Still, this was a >member of the wolf pack freedom fighters after all. MIKE: Or so she says. Well, you've just met her. I'm sure she's trustworthy. > What possible reason >would she have for harming him. TOM: Two words: Virgin sacrifice. > Tails nodded and took the small piece that was offered to him and >popped it in his mouth. CROW: An amazing feat when it's two feet in diameter. > The taste was almost like that of sugar, but >there was an extra tang in it that he couldn't quite identify. MIKE: Oh, it's probably just the numerous dyes, xanthar gum, diglycerides... TOM: You've been reading the back of the Little Debbie's box again, haven't you? > He sucked CROW: I wouldn't go that fa- well, maybe. >on it awhile, and gradually worked it down to the MIKE: Tootsie Roll center. > point where he could >swallow the rest completely CROW: One foot and eleven inches in diameter. > and looked over at Christy who was smiling >even more. TOM: "In me power!" > "Thanks," he said "It's good." > "Yep," Christy grinned MIKE: I believe it's been established that she's smiling. > "It sure is. I need to be going now, TOM: "I hafta go give three-year-olds some ciggs. Ya want any before I go?" >though. But if you ever want any more, CROW: "Then screw you." > I'll usually be around somewhere." TOM: Wanna be more vague? > "Could I have one more piece before you go?" Tails asked suddenly, >not really sure why he wanted one... MIKE: We just do! ALL: Yeah! > but they DID taste good. > Christy thought a moment and grinned. TOM: Oh, jeez! CROW: I guess it *was* the planet and not just the author. > "Alright," she said "One more. But, next time, see if you can >bring something to trade with. That way, we both get something out of >it." > "Sure thing," Tails said as he took another piece. MIKE: "Fooled her. I'm never getting anymore." > He popped >that one in his mouth too TOM: Kid's heart must be going 90 miles per hour, now. > and waved the Christy. CROW: The Christy over there. That Christy. Do I have to be more specific? > As she disappeared from >sight, MIKE: She turned into Batman. > Tails headed back to Knothole. > > As he headed back to Knothole, CROW: So is he heading away from Knothole? MIKE: No, I believe he's heading back to Knothole. > he began to feel better. Alot TOM: Is two words. >better, in fact. He seemed to pick up the scents in the air alot more >than normally. And the color of everything was bright and clear. MIKE: He's headed back to the late 60s. >Everything was so perfect, he began to feel like he didn't have a care in >the world. TOM: Ahh, pure Sbliss. > When he got back to his hut, MIKE: He headed back to Knothole. > he had a bit of fun, CROW: He's at the age of 'exploring' himself. MIKE: Really? CROW: Um... no. > trying to >open the door TOM: It's easy to entertain this kid. > beause that sneaky door handle kept moving around, but he >finally caught it and went inside. CROW: It must be that door from the next to last level of Earthworm Jim 2. > Once inside, he flopped down on his bed and looked up at the >ceiling. MIKE: "Who painted all those naked people up there?" > The fibers in the roofing material were of particular importance >to him for some reason and he spent an uncountable number of minutes just >staring up, trying to count the grains in the fiber. TOM: "1,138; 1,139..." CROW: 10; 72; 34; 86. TOM: "Oh, dammit." > Once he had a >number he was satisfied with, he burst out laughing, becasue it was such a >funny sounding number to him that he just couldn't stop. MIKE: How long *did* it take him for him to reach a google. > In fact, he laughed so hard, the he rolled right off the bed and >hit the floor. CROW: [Hysterically] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- OUCH!!! - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... > He landed on his arm CROW: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S BROKEN!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... > which hurt a small amount, so he got >up and gave the floor a stern lecture about the amount of responsibility >involved with being hardwood and that he'd punish it, if it ever hurt him >again. TOM: Do you think that Orcium had... Nah. > He walked over to the window then and looked up at the sun. MIKE: "Oh, poo. I'm blind." > He >said hello as did the sun, TOM: So he's turned into the baby from Hi and Lois. > and they went on to have a surprisingly >interesting conversation about the ingredients in Antoine's perfume and >how well it would go when mixed with any of a number of assorted fish and >pasta dishes. CROW: Just wait till the Orcium takes effect. > Soon the sun began to get tired and began to slowly sink. MIKE: [Sun] Save me! I can't sw- {glub glub glub} > Tails >waved good bye to it and returned to lay down on the bed. He looked back >up at the ceiling CROW: [Tails] "Now to count how many times I can count the strands..." > and wondered why he never went on any of the missions. MIKE: Maybe you're a pathetic loser, Tails! >Probably, he concluded, beacuse the others were afraid that, if he went >with them, he'd track down Robotnik, and kick him in the nuts good and >hard, TOM: Being that he always wears Spandex, I doubt that he'd have any left to kick. CROW: Kid's *really* gone now. > thereby making the others look bad for not having thought of that >before. CROW: Sure, it'd kill him instantly. MIKE: You have no idea. > Still, he pondered, TOM: I think so, Brain, but... > Robotnik probably didn't have any anyway. TOM: D'oh! Recoil. MIKE: There, there. > After a time, MIKE: He headed back to Knothole. > he got up again and paced around the room, CROW: "When is she gonna have that baby?" > pondering >the universal question of TOM: Why people like Urkel. > what would happen when an unstoppable force >decides to pull over to use the bathroom. MIKE: Then, um, it wouldn't be unstoppable, cuz it, y'know, stopped. TOM: Might as well not try to explain anything to him, while he's all doped up. > He gave up on that aftera few >minutes and went back to lay down on the bed where he promptly passed out. [Mike picks up Tom to leave] CROW: He's dead. [Follows Mike out] [Commercials]