[All return and sit down] > > When he got back to his hut he flopped down MIKE: Three flights of stairs. > on his bed again and >idly watched the polkadot MIKE & TOM: Polkadot? CROW: [Dot Warner] Why not? TOM: [Accordion music] > elephants doing an odd dance on his floor CROW: Um, Mike? MIKE: Well, it's, uh... when, um... y'know... [continues] CROW: [Whispering over to Tom] I already now, of course; I just enjoy watching him try to explain it. > while >he thought about what he did. MIKE: You see, Crow, it's when- CROW: You can stop, now. > He certainly felt alot better then he used >to, but the probablem was, he stole to feel that way. Oh well, ALL: Here we go again. > he thought >to himself. He glacned over at the elephants and asked them to do a waltz >while he discussed world politics with them... TOM: "We have a single tyrannous overlord... That about sums it up." > they had some pretty good >insights. MIKE: Polkadot elephants *would* make better politicians. > Todd walked up to Tails' hut, TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] Wait! How did he know he was in there? > having seen him walk in there >moments before. TOM: [Sarcasm sequencer] Oh, THAT explains it! > Just before he opened the door, he heard Tails talking >inside. Going over to the window, CROW: He went inside, opened all the desks throwing everything out of place? > he saw Tails lying on the bed, CROW: Oh. > staring >off into space, talking to somebody whom Todd did not see. TOM: How could he miss those polkadot elephants? MIKE: Tom? TOM: No, Mike. I believe they're really there. MIKE: Uh, hmmm. > What made Todd >look twice MIKE: "Wha-huh? Wha-huh?" > was that Tails' eyes were glazed over in a serious way. CROW: They're Dunkin' Doughnuts, now. > He >went back to the door to enter when something on the ground caught his >eye. MIKE: "Owowow! Leggo! Leggo!" > It was clear piece of what looked like rock candy. TOM: Oh, GOD! Come ON!! CROW: {Knock knock} "Hey, Tails! You left your plot convenience out here!" > He MIKE: Swallowed it whole. CROW: [Hippie] "Whoooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....." > pocketed it >and went to see Bookshire. TOM: Pocketed it, huh? The only guy in this show with pants. MIKE: Except for the humans. CROW: Well, THANK GOD! > > When he got to Bookshire's office, the raccoon was going through >all of his drawers looking for something. MIKE: "Where's my swimsuit calendar?...Oh, HI, Todd. Heh heh. Nothing." > "What's wrong?" Todd asked as he entered. > "That diamond's been stolen," Bookshire grumbled. CROW: "That just slightly cheeses me off that I've lost a great fortune, here." > "Stolen?" Todd asked "What do you mean?" TOM: Todd equals dense. > "I mean, I went to lunch and when I came back it was gone," >Bookshire said "I'll report this to Sally immediately." > "Um, first, before you do," Todd said as he took the piece out of >his pocket CROW: A lint ball. Nice. > "Could you take a look at this and tell me what it is." MIKE: "THAT'S my diamond! You thief!!" {POW POW} > Bookshire took the piece and examined it curiously. CROW: "Oooooooooo. Shiny." > He ran his >tongue over it lightly one and made a face. TOM: "Eww. Vanilla Orcium." > He tapped on it CROW: Uh, come in? > with one of >his nails MIKE: Claws, actually. > and hmmed. > "Orcium," he said "Highly illegal drug. CROW: As opposed to a 'sort of illegal drug.' > Where'd you get this >from?" MIKE: "Big Jim Bob's Highly Illegal Drugs One Cent Shop." > "Illegal drug?" Todd said "I...I TOM: "Cap'n." > found it outside Tails' hut. >Tails was inside looking really spaced out." > "Hmmm...that could be serious," Bookshire said MIKE: "It could be. Kid taking massive amounts of drugs. Sorta serious... on second thought, forget about it." > "We've got to get >him in here now." > > Tails looked lazily over at where Todd and Bookshire were >standing. CROW: "Peace." > They both looked exceedingly silly there with their serious >expressions and he burst out laughing. TOM: No wonder he was kicked out of school so many times. > "Tails, you need to come with us," Bookshire said. MIKE: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you." > "Yeah right, whatever," Tails giggled almost insanely. CROW: The Joker gassed his room! Get him the antidote quick! > He ignored >them and went back to watching Antoine doing backflips off diving boards >into small glasses of grape jelly. TOM: Antoine really was doing that, you know. MIKE: Right. CROW: Not too out of character for Antoine, actually. MIKE: But why do most of his fantasies involve Antoine somehow? TOM: They're not fantasies. > Todd sighed and wtn MIKE: Wow. Not everyone can make a typo like that. > foreward, pulling Tails up in his arms and >carrying him out of the room as Tails struggled agaisnt him. CROW: Shouldn't they be wed before he carries him across the threshold? > "Put me down!" Tails demanded. > "Nope, Tails this is for you own good," MIKE: Speaking Tor Johnson-ese. > Todd insisted as he pulled >Tails out of the room. CROW: Pulled or carried? You decide. > > Bookshire then went to inform Sally TOM: Of the "Dukes of Hazard" marathon on TNN. > and soon they were all back at >Booksxhire's office as Todd strapped Tails down into a bed CROW: This is gonna turn dirty, isn't it? > as the small >fox continued to struggle. > Bookshire carefully examined Tails' vital CROW: Told ya. > signs, hmming several >times as he did. MIKE: "Very interesting. Four fingers... three toes... I've concluded that he's a cartoon." > "Well?" Sally finally asked anxiously. > "Well, thankfully, his halucenigetic state will wear off shortly," >Bookshire said TOM: "I can just tell. No need to take blood or ask when he last took Orcium." > "He only seems to have ingested a small amount CROW: "You see, his tum-tum isn't big and jiggley, so he hasn't eaten too much." > and the long >term effects still have a very long way to go before he would get this way >permenantly." MIKE: That would be fun to see. > Both Sally and Todd breathed CROW: Some angel dust. > a sigh of relief. TOM: [Deadpan] PHEW. > "But how did he get it?" Todd asked curiously. > "That's where we're stuck," Bookshire replied as he gave Tails a >sedative. MIKE: "Whoops. Too much. He's dead. Sorry, sorry." > "No we're not," Sally said "Lupe called awhile ago. She said >somebody named Christina might be in the area, CROW: No, Sally; I don't care if Tails *is* unconscious, don't talk about sick stuff like that. > and she was banned from the >Wolf Pack for selling and using drugs. Tails might have gotten them from >her." MIKE: Maybe? > "Then my advice would be to tracke this Christina down and get her >before she gives out any more," Bookshrie said TOM: The only guy as smart as the princess. > "Oh, and to get my diamond >back as well." CROW: [Sally] "Diamond?! You've been squandering our riches, you old fart!" > Sally and Todd both nodded resolutely. MIKE: They're certainly in synch. > "In the meantime, if it's alright with Bookshire, I think I'll >remain here and watch over Tails," Todd said. TOM: "Besides, I'm a wuss, and don't want to get too involved." > "Good idea, Todd," Sally said "I'll have Sonic come in here also >once he returns from the recon mission he's on." MIKE: Well, if he *wasn't* on it, why would you have to wait until he was back from it? > Todd nodded and took a seat by the now sleeping fox's bed. CROW: And he slept for a thousand years. > > Lupe and some other members of the Wolf Pack TOM: [Singing] Leader of the wolf pack! MIKE & CROW: {VROOOOOOM!} > arrived early the >next morning MIKE: [Singing] Early in the morning! > and met immediately with Sally in the conference room. Sally >updated TOM: Her web site, finally. > them on the situation. > "Chirstina Harper is a very dangerous wolf," Lupe said CROW: If I remember correctly, the Wolf Pack was sort of made to look like Native Americans. MIKE: Yeah? CROW: So what the hell kind of a Native American name is 'Christina Harper'? > "Getting >her back into custody will be difficult, but it would certainly help if we >knew where to start searching for her." TOM: I heard she was 'around'. Maybe you should look there. > Sally nodded. CROW: [Goofy] Uhhhhhhhhh-yuh, uh-yuh, yuh yuh yuh. > "Agreed," Sally said "I think we ought to start by the Great >river. MIKE: Mobians sure have a way of running the word 'great' into the ground. TOM: Great Forest, Great Unknown, Great War... > Tails' TOM: Great. > shoes were TOM: Greatly. > wet yesterday so it's possible he could've been TOM: Great. >meeting with her along the TOM: Great. > bank somewhere." > Lupe nodded. MIKE: George Clooney's famous 'Head-bob, smile, head-bob-head-bob, smile' method of acting. > > Both Todd and Sonic had been sitting by Tails' bedside throughout >the night, CROW: Jason, I'm really, really sorry. TOM: Good. CROW: You're supposed to be asleep! > neither one willing to leave his side for an instant save for >one reason... MIKE: "MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! Better stay, though." > "We think we've found her," Sally said, startling both Todd and >Sonic suddenly. BOTS: [Sonic & Todd] "I WET 'EM!" > They turned and look over at her standing in the doorway. > "Where?" Todd was the first to say. > "By the bank of the Great River," Sally replied TOM: So her first hunch was the correct one. > "Lupe and I are >going after her and you're both welcome to join us." TOM: Took my line again. > "You bet," Todd said resolutely as he got up to join Sally. MIKE: "Wait, I'm stuck to the seat. Stupid naugahide." {Riiiip} "Okay, there we go." > "You got it, Sal," Sonic joined in, racing out the dorr before >either of them. CROW: So he *didn't* join in. > > Sonic, Sally, Todd, and Lupe TOM: Chief. CROW: McCloud. > walked resolutely through the forest >to MIKE: Grandma's house. > the Great River. All of them keeping their eyes open, ready for >anything. TOM: Except that glowing tangerine flying at them. > A sudden movement to one side caused Todd to react instantly and >he ran and dove into the brush it was coming from. CROW: [Sally] "Oof. It's ME, you idiot!" MIKE: [Sonic] "Try taking decaff." > The others stopped and >watched as Todd burst TOM: [Sally] "Gross, I got Todd guts all over my new vest." > out of the brush again, grapling with a very angry >white wolf, trying to snap his neck. MIKE: A fight sequence? Why here? Why now? > Before the two could get their footing, Lupe was the next into the >fight, rolling on the ground CROW: She got up and felt quite stupid. > with Todd and Christy TOM: So Todd and Christy were rolling too? When? > as she and Todd tried >to restrain the wolf completely. CROW: Why is Lupé helping to restrain Lupé? MIKE: I think he means Christy. CROW: Chrisy's trying to restrain Christy? MIKE: Never mind. > Suddenly, with a sudden burst of >strength, TOM: She eats her spinach. > Christy managed to throw CROW: Up. > Todd off of her and wrestled with Lupe >before throwing CROW: Up. > her off too. > Christy was on her feet in a second, yanked a kmnife MIKE: [Todd] "Yow! Don't yank my kmnife!" CROW: You said I was bad. > out of >nowhere TOM: Man. > and pitched it head on into the chest of Todd who was charging >her. ALL: So take away his credit card! > His cry of pain as the knife impaled him covered a half mile easily >as he crashed to the ground. CROW: Face first, ramming the knife right through to his spine as well. > Sally and Sonic were at his side in a second TOM: [Sonic] "Shall I twist the knife or you?" MIKE: [Sally] "You go right ahead." >as Lupe tackled Christy again and socked her muzzle to and fro TOM: Stop and go. That's what makes the world go 'round. > again and >again until Christy was out cold. MIKE: From punching her in the mouth. Yes, this makes perfect sense. > Without another word, she went about >bind Christy's wrists and elbows tightly behind her CROW: Lupé ties Christy's limbs behind Lupé's back. This is just getting goofy. > with some rope she >brought, then binding her ankles and knees together jsut as tightly. She >tied Christy to a near by tree TOM: So they could play darts. MIKE: Okay, abdomen is twenty points; go fer an eye and get eighty. > and would send some of the other wolves to >come and retrieve her. CROW: Dogs *do* retrieve stuff, y'know. > Lupe went back over to where Todd laid, and helped Sonic and Sally >pick up up and get him back to Knothole as quickly as possible. MIKE: "First, let's stop for some frozen yogurt." > > When they arrived, Bookshire was relieved to find that the knife >wound wasn't as fatal as it looked. CROW: Okay, right through the heart, immense bleeding; yep, he's gonna live for the sake of fanficdom. > With a couple of clean mending tools, TOM: Which means Booky spat on them then rubbed them on his leg. >he patched Todd up CROW: So he looked like a Raggedy Anne doll. > and moved him to the recovery bed right by Tails. > Not too long after that, as Sonic and Sally were sitting by the >two foxes silently, Tails groggily began to come to, shaking his head >weakly having just gotten over the effects of the Orcium. MIKE: We've yet to recover from "Orcium." > "What happened?" he whispered. > "You were on drugs, Tails," Sally said gently CROW: Great. Here comes the moral of today's story. > "You were acting >in an unnatural way." > "I was?" Tails asked "I don't remember too much...except for >Christy..." MIKE: He had a crush. > Tails' head rolled over TOM: Linda Blair! > and saw Todd resting quietly with some >bandages on his chest. CROW: Blood was still spewing out like a fountain. > "Todd?" he said sitting up in a very frightened voice. > "Don't worry, Tails," Sonic said "Todd'll be just fine." > "How..." Tails began. MIKE: That's what I'm wondering, too; how he survived. > "Christy stabbed him when we tried to capture her," Sally said >"He'll be alright though, TOM: [Sally] "Like Sonic said. Want me to say it again? How 'bout if I have Bookshire tell you?" > so don't worry. CROW: Be happy. > Now lay back and rest." > Tails nodded slowly and got comfotable again. > "Never again," Tails whispered. > "Never again what, TAils?" Sally asked. MIKE: Never again will Bookshire write another story? TOM: Please? > "Never going to take any of the stuff again," Tails said as >he looked over at Todd "More wrongs in it than rights." > "There are no rights when it comes to drugs, Tails," Sally said. > "Bad things always come out of them bro," Sonic continued. CROW: I feel like we're watching an after-school special. > "The only sad part is that you had to learn that lesson in a >painful way for everybody," Sally said. TOM: "Even though you got it from someone you thought you knew and thought it was candy." > "I know, Aunt Sally," Tails sighed "I'm sorry." > Sally smiled. > "I know you are Tails," she said as she kissed him softly MIKE: "That's why I'm only gonna cane you *eight* times." > "But for >now you rest. I have to go see Lupe for a moment, Sonic will you wait >here." > "Sure thing, Sal," Sonic replied. > > Sally left and went outside to see Lupe CROW: Like she said she would. TOM: Everyone lives up to their word in this story. > who was just getting ready >to leave. Nearby, two wolves where holding Christy, MIKE & TOM: [Wolves] "Can I be your boyfriend?" > still bound and now >gagged in their arms. > "What will her punishment be?" Sally had to ask. CROW: [British accent] Let's build a bridge out of her. > "That will be up to the majority to decide," Lupe replied MIKE: The Wolf Pack has a nice democratic government. >"However, in most situations, the offender is stoned to death. TOM: But given the logic in this story, she'd survive that. > Still, now >and again, we can't bring ourselves to kill one of our own. We'll wait >and see what happens." MIKE: "Let's wait till she escapes and attempts to murder us all in a vengeance." > Sally nodded quietly CROW: What would a loud nod be, exactly? MIKE: Like, if you're over sixty and have bad arthritis. > and watched Lupe and the others depart. In >all the years she had been alive, she never understood why anybody would >get mixed up in drugs. TOM: Let's repeat the moral in case none of you got it. > It seemed there were always more losses than >gains. Users took the risk of killing themselves. Pushers took the risk >of being caught and executed by the authorities or getting killed by one >of their competitors. And, the gbottom line was, CROW: Gbottom? MIKE: That would be like Ace Goodheart's butt. TOM: Oh, I get it. So if he'd fart, it'd be a gforce! > they took those risks >for short term gains, rather than trying to direct their long term goals. > Drugs were never the answer. That much was fact. CROW: How about the fact that this story's repetitious and grammatically impaired? > And one day, >when Sally found herself in full power over the planet of Mobius, and >peace had been restored, she vowed she would make certain that all illegal >drugs would be eliminated once and for all. MIKE: So all the addicts would rally and kill her. > One day... > > >THE END TOM: The gend. CROW: Gbottom? Gend? Get it?? TOM: Let's go, Ghostbusters. [Mike picks up Tom] > > >Public Service Announcment: CROW: Hafta pay the bills somehow. [Leaves] > >Do Drugs and Die. Not a Threat. TOM: A command. [Mike leaves with Tom in hand] > A Fact. > > > [SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-shunk] [Only the `bots. Crow is holding a giant torch, and Tom is holding an ax. A rope tied to something behind the desk goes strait up to an unseen pulley system] TOM: Okay, let's go through this again: What did we learn from this fanfic? CROW: Not to do drugs? TOM: Guess again. CROW: Don't trust strangers? TOM: One more time. CROW: You can be stabbed in the heart in a world of little medicine and survive virtually unharmed? TOM: Exactly! But the question is, how far can you go? CROW: Gee, I do not know that. Let's test it. TOM: Wait for it... [In walks Mike] Perfect. Hey, Mike! MIKE: Well, hi, Tom. What're you doing? TOM: Heh heh. CROW: Ha ha. BOTS: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MIKE: [Casually looking down] Whatever. TOM: NOW! MIKE: Hey! A penny! [Mike ducks as Crow's torch fries Tom's head. Blinded just as he was about to swing, Tom lops Crow's head off] MIKE: [Getting up; oblivious] Well, have fun, guys. Seeya. [Walks off] CROW: Well, that didn't go too well, did it? [Tom just cries as he wanders aimlessly] CROW: Ow! I just stepped in my own eye. [Tom's ax slices through the rope, and something can be heard falling in that Warner Bros. slide whistle effect] TOM: Oops. [A giant shadow begins to cover them] CROW: [Quickly] Back down to you, Mrs. F.! [Mobius, inside a different hut] [Bobo is waiting by a door still covered in Spam™ bits as Observer walks in sans robe] BOBO: Oh, hi, Brain Guy. How'd you get clean so fast? OBSERVER: I did it with my mind, of course. BOBO: Of course. OBSERVER: Say, I've lost my robe. Do you know where it's gone? BOBO: Why don't you just make a new one with your mind? OBSERVER: Well- BOBO: In fact, why didn't you just recreate your planet with your mind when Mike blew it up? OBSERVER: Are you questioning the continuity here? BOBO: No, I- [Pearl walks out of the door, wearing Observer's cloak as a bathrobe] PEARL: Alright, Monkey-man. Shower's all yours. OBSERVER: Hey! That's mine you're wearing! PEARL: So? OBSERVER: Give it back right now! PEARL: You sure? OBSERVER: Very! PEARL: Okay. [She unties the waistband as the show fades out] [Observer screams in terror half-way through the end credits] --- HEAD WRITER: John Berry CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Jenny Berry & Kevin Sigmund PROOF READERS: Kevin Sigmund & Shay Caron SPECIAL THANKS: David "Bookshire" Pistone for not killing me SEGA for not suing me --- BOBO: That's a lovely Elmo t-shirt, Lawgiver. PEARL: Thanks. OBSERVER: Oh, the pain! The horror! --- Mystery Science Theater 3000 & characters ©1997 Best Brains Inc. Sonic the Hedgehog & characters ©1997 SEGA, DiC, & Archie Comics STINGER: >He went back to the door to enter when something on the ground caught his >eye. It was clear piece of what looked like rock candy.