[ ALL enter theater ] CROW: We're just usually in the right sketch is all. JOEL: Mistakes will happen. > "Security to Headquarters!" Snively screamed into a microphone TOM: Now in concert! Screaming Wimpy White Guys! > that was mounted on the wall. He sighed. "The big round guy won't like > this at all...." JOEL: You know, Pac-Man looks friendly, but he's got a nasty temper. > he muttered, thinking of the cruel punishments that > Robotnik had in store for him for losing those disks. TOM: "Not the booger chair! Please!" > As a squad of > Swatbots approached, he said to them in his whiny, nasal (nasal...that > almost defines Snively, eh?) voice, "The hedgehog and another Freedom > Fighter are attempting to exit the building! CROW: Again. > Stop them!!!" They > obediently followed his orders and continued to run down the hallway. TOM: You'd think they'd have notice Sonic and friends come in every week or so. > Sonic blasted down the hall while holding on to FX's arm. Then > they came to an abrupt stop. JOEL: Inertia's for those other fanfic genres. TOM: Which ones? JOEL: Uh, none of them, actually. > Right in front of them was Geoffrey St. > John! CROW: Hello, have you been helped? Would you like to consider the vinyl siding alternative? Thank you, please enjoy our breakfast buffet. > "Oh hi, Clyde. Didn't expect to see you here," Sonic said, then > he gave Geoff a good uppercut TOM: More of a cold cut, really. > that knocked him out cold before the > skunk could even load his crossbow. JOEL: [ As Geoffrey ] "Wait, don't you need this uppercut back?" > "Actually, I _did_ expect to see > you here. Bye bye!" With that, he blasted off toward the exit with FX, [ JOEL stands up, pantomimes getting decked in the stomach. ] > knocking the unconscious skunk around. Neither of them noticed that > when Sonic began running again, his backpack came open and the video > disk (and a couple chili dogs) CROW: Counter-revolutionaries, or spastic seventh graders? You make the call. > fell out, on top of Geoffrey (Eew... > those chili dogs made a yukky mess on skunk boy, I'd say). TOM: These authorial intrusions wouldn't be nearly so bad, if only they didn't exist. CROW: A yucky, smelly stinker. Thanks for laying it all out like that, story. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- TOM: You know, those lines are Morse code for 'MOOT' repeated over and over and over and over again. JOEL: I knew that ham radio license you got was a good investment. > Chapter 4 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > Geoffrey came to a few minutes later. CROW: And once he got there, he promptly left again. > He saw the disk and picked > it up. "What the heck is this?" he mumbled. JOEL: "Oh, wow, somebody made a version of 'Tetris' that you can play at home!" > He opened a pocket on his > sash and pulled out a small computer that resembled Nicole. "Heh heh. > I can't believe it was that easy to steal the schematics to Nicole > from Sally. TOM: It turns out Nicole's just a box with a smart but really little guy inside. > Now to see what's on this disk." He slid the disk into a > slot on the side of the small computer. "Computer. Read drive a'." CROW: No, no, it's LOAD "$0",8, dummy. TOM: You mean 'CAT'. JOEL: No, he's thinking 'DI shift-R'. > He commanded. UNKNOWN FILE AND AN UNTITLED AVI VIDEO FILE. DO YOU WISH TO VIEW THE > VIDEO?> the computer asked. TOM: How do you save a file without titling it? CROW: It's a very advanced computer. You just tell it 'save that stuff over there' and it does. > "Yes, so display it!" he replied. A > hologram came up of him giving the info disks to Robotnik and Robotnik > giving them to Snively. JOEL: See, he had to take a hologram, because the author knew the readers would never believe using a normal camcorder here. > "So," he said to himself, "The hedgehog was trying to get evidence > against me. But maybe this will do some good against him. TOM: Whatever, as long as it gets us through the plot point. > Computer, > bring up video editor program and also show a list of the current > Knothole Freedom Fighter's profiles." CROW: "I just realized I haven't the faintest idea what I'm doing." > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > Chapter 5 (Yeah, so Number 4 was a real short chapter, but who cares?) JOEL: Not us. CROW: Mentally, we're doing our happy Snoopy dances. TOM: If every chapter was like that, we'd be happy. JOEL: Unless there's, you know, seven thousand chapters. > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > Sonic blasted back to Knothole as fast as he could. He wondered > if Geoffrey had realized that they were on to him from that punch that > knocked him out. JOEL: We saw him giving critical information to the enemy, then we went on the run, and knocked him out the moment we saw him. He may interpret that as us being on to him. > He probably knew by now, since he realized they were > following him. Geoff might as well not come back to Knothole if they > all know he's a traitor. TOM: Or a treater. CROW: That's what happens when folks get confused around Halloween. > Oh well, at least that dork would be gone for > a long while. And if Geoff ever did come back, he'd get beaten so badly > that he'd look like... CROW: Mister Potato Head! TOM: Johnny Cat! JOEL: Joey Goolagong! TOM: Huh? > "Sonic!" FX yelled to him. > Sonic immediately stopped, frightened by the amazing coordination > between his thoughts and FX's exclamation. "What?" JOEL: I just like yelling "Sonic!" > "That disk with the video of Geoffrey on it- it's gone!" > "Say what? Where could it have gone?" CROW: Check on the Internet, it's probably on *some* web site. > "We must have dropped it on the way. Let's retrace our steps." TOM: All thirteen thousand of them. Got any tracing paper? JOEL: Nope. TOM: Dang. We're doomed. > They slowly turned around and began to slowly walk back toward > Robotropolis with their eyes glued to the ground, looking for the > small floppy disk. CROW: You know, these disks can store almost one hundred seventy bytes of information. > As they looked about for the disk, they saw the > group of Freedom Fighters that were in the mission walking back to > Knothole. The mission was obviously a success. JOEL: "Guess what, guys? The raid on Robotropolis proved all seven of the most recent arrivals are trustworthy and should join the inner circle of Knothole Village leadership!" > They kept on looking > around as they approached the edge of the forest. Then, hearing a > rustling noise, as if someone were entering the forest, they darted > behind a patch of bushes. TOM: Hey, look, a raccoon. CROW: Or walrus. > They watched as none other than Geoffrey > St. John walked toward Knothole, with a sheathed sword hanging from > his belt. ALL: [ Snickering ] JOEL: Guys, let's just hope it's not a singing sword, okay? TOM: Yeah. CROW: No problem. > "Since when does Stinkbomb over there carry a sword?" FX asked, > holding back his giggles. CROW: "It's like there's an aspect of his life I haven't discovered, despite having spent nearly five minutes around him." > He thought about what it would be like if > he used his laser to give Geoffrey a crewcut as he walked by. JOEL: 'Cause he has a laser he use to give Geoffrey a crewcut, you know. > "Maybe he wants to look like his fellow dork, Antoine!" Sonic > snickered. TOM: Maybe we're a highly dysfunctional, abusive organization! > They quickly looked around the edge of the forest, and looked > down the hill that lead to Robotnik's tribute to pollution (which > was in the form of a city). CROW: Quick! Rewrite that sentence so it makes sense! You have ten seconds. Go! > They figured it was useless to look about > in Robotropolis for the disk, since it would be like trying to find > MS-DOS-Compatible needle is a smelly, polluted haystack (I live to > write stuff like that ;-). CROW: Ugh. JOEL: Bleah. TOM: Not if we have anything to say about it, buster. > They turned around and headed back toward > Knothole. After uneventfully walking through the forest, they slid > into the hollow, overturned log that went through the barrier of trees > and shrubs and into Knothole. JOEL: So they live in an eight-year-old's backyard fortress? > As they walked in to the village, they > began to have a strange feeling as if they were being watched. TOM: "I have the strange feeling we haven't alienated our *entire* audience yet!" > As if > to prove them right, right as they got into the village, someone > behind them grabbed their hands and cuffed them. CROW: Now, this is such a cool magic trick... TOM: And it turns out they swapped the magic handcuffs with the real ones. JOEL: And nobody has the keys...it's a wacky sitcom, you see? > When they turned > around, Sonic and FX were amazed to see that the two people behind > them were a pair of Knothole's perimeter guards, a badger and a fox. TOM: Bit parts in a Sonic fanfic. These guys need *agents*. > "Hey, what's the big deal?" Demanded Sonic. > "Oh please," the Badger said, "you've been caught at your crimes, > so don't bother playing dumb." CROW: [ As Sonic ] "What makes you think I'm playing?" > Confused, they were dragged to the center of Knothole, where > almost all the villagers were crowded about, with Sally standing at > the head of the crowd. ALL: Surprise! [ Singing ] For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... > "I just don't believe this, Sonic." Sally said, seeming shocked. > "How could you betray us?" JOEL: Well, he could set fire to their farmland. CROW: Tip off Robotnik to a supply raid. TOM: Pretend to trip and break his own leg so they'd have to carry on without him and *not* have the easy escape when their stupid plans screw up again? > "What're you talking about, Sal?" Sonic asked, puzzled. TOM: This scene is provided only because there's maybe one person in the world who doesn't know exactly where it's heading. > "Oh stop acting stupid!" She yelled, "...and explain _this_!" She > held up Nicole and pushed a button, starting up a hologram in midair. CROW: Oh, cool, a 'National Geographic' magazine cover from the 1980's! > It looked like Robotnik's headquarter's, with Robotnik sitting in his > large green chair. A loud "whoosh" was heard, and two figures walked > in. JOEL: "I can see a seven...and a square root of three...and now, oh, yes, they're kissing one another." > As they stepped into the light, it could be seen that the two > figures were Sonic and FX! CROW: Oh, and now the seven is nuzzling against the little square root symbol...this *is* fascinating... > They both began to say everything that > Geoffrey had said when he had given Robotnik the Knothole discs, but > it was their voices! TOM: The seven and the three are sharing the little square root, I think to keep warm...ladies and gentlemen, we have never recorded this behavior before, it's a rare treat to be able to present it to you today. > They handed Robotnik the discs, walked out of > view, and the hologram shut off. JOEL: And this concludes our broadcast day. > Sonic and FX gasped. ALL: [ Gasping ] CROW: Oh, pootertoots. > "Geoffrey brought this disc here after recording it in > Robotropolis." Sally turned to Sonic. "How could you, Sonic? JOEL: You blinked all through the pictures, none of them are any good! > After all > we've been through!" CROW: How could you give him the recipe for our secret sauce? > Sonic did not reply, instead he bent down his > eyebrows and glared at Geoffrey, who was smiling intently. TOM: [ As angered dog ] Grrrr..ruf! Ruf! Ruf! > Sally then > turned to FX. "As for you, Mr. Ferret, what have you got to say for > yourself?" CROW: "Ahem. 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.'" > "Well, I would say that I recorded that video originally TOM: [ Sobbing ] "I *did*, you know." > and it > had Geoffrey giving the discs to Robotnik and that he got his hands > on the disk and edited the video, TOM: [ Still sobbing ] "I just know he did, the dink!" > but since I know you wouldn't believe > me because you trust that idiot of a skunk so much," TOM: [ As above ] "And I'm not a loser! You're the losers if you think I'm the loser!" > he paused for a > moment, "Let me just point out how unlike you it is to underestimate > your enemies' to such an extent." JOEL: Your enemies' what? CROW: I know! I know! Your enemies' monster trucks! TOM: No! It's your enemies' riboflavin deficiency! CROW: Your enemies' desktop publishing software package! TOM: Your enemies' bill for overdue library books! JOEL: Guys, you're way off base. It's your enemies' rotary sanders. CROW, TOM: Oh, yeah, the...huh? > With that, FX gritted his teeth and > pulled apart his arms, shattering one of the links of the chain that > held his handcuffs together. TOM: Oh, more security provided by Star Trek Discount Temps. JOEL: See, for this kind of strength you need a regular breakfast including Cheerios. > Before the guards could react, he had > broken Sonic's handcuffs and flown off into the air with him in tow, JOEL: This is going to haunt them come the civil trial. > slowly disappearing into the sky. Geoffrey began cursing, but then a > small fireball flew down from the sky, setting his tail on fire. CROW: It's wacky 'cause it's attempted murder! > Geoffrey ran screaming to the edge of Knothole, where he dunked his > rear end into the Power Ring Pool, sending a little bit of steam into > the air. JOEL: And he just starts getting calmed down when somebody drops a McDonald's coffee on his lap! TOM: Ouch! > He cursed once again, swearing to kill the two animals who > had just escaped. CROW: Aw, no, and now animals are escaping? TOM: I told them "Open House" day at the petting zoo was a bad idea. JOEL: They mean FX and Sonic. CROW: Oh. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > Chapter 6 JOEL: Pick up sticks. TOM: And throw them at FX really hard. JOEL: No, now, remember, his girlfriend Minna wrote this chapter. Brand new writer. Let's try to be nice, okay? CROW: We've *been* nice. It hasn't helped our lot in life. > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > After flying for what seemed an eternity, FX landed in the middle > of the forest, putting Sonic down beside him. "Nice escape," Sonic told > him. "But now what?" CROW: Now that you lost our only evidence and destroyed any remaining credibility within Knothole? > FX started to walk through the dense foliage. "Follow me," he > said to Sonic. > "Where are we going?" Sonic asked, pushing a tree branch out of > his way. TOM: It's just a hunch, but I think Yoda's around here somewhere. > "You'll see," FX replied, focusing ahead of him. The two hiked > through the forest for several minutes, until FX stopped suddenly > beside a large rock. CROW: [ As FX ] "There! It's perfect." JOEL: [ As Sonic ] "Perfect how?" CROW: [ As FX ] "We're now *completely* lost." > "Excuse me a moment." he said simply, and began > to lift the rock up with all of his strength. TOM: This could take a while... > After a minute, FX managed to push aside the rock. Sonic stared > down at the place where the rock had once rested and saw a wooden panel CROW: "Daisy Hill Puppy Farm...puppies for sale"...hey, this is all that's left of Snoopy's old home! > that looked somewhat like a door. "Hey, how'd this get here?" he asked. > "I made it myself, in case of an emergency. JOEL: 'Cause he had so much spare time in the week since he landed on the planet, you know. > And, well, this is a > pretty big emergency," FX told him. TOM: [ As Sonic ] "Really? What's happening?" > He went to one side of the wooden > door and lifted it. The door hinged open with a loud creak. CROW: [ Flatly ] Oh, no, the water's coming up, and we're gonna drown. Yup, we're gonna die...oh, wait. No, we're not. My mistake. Never mind. > Below it, > Sonic could see a sort of tunnel that had been dug straight into the > ground. JOEL: We're getting out of this story if we have to tunnel all the way to Australia. > FX grabbed Sonic's arm and slowly flew down the tunnel. Sonic > could feel the earth under his feet again a few moments later, when > they were about twenty feet underground. CROW: If they dig all the way to Australia, won't they just end up in an episode of "Skippy the Tree Kangaroo?" TOM: He's right! Get out! Get out of there! > FX let go of him and landed. > "Boy, it sure is dark down here," Sonic commented, looking around > himself and trying to decide which way was forward. TOM: Yeah, it's a shame hedgehogs aren't natural burrowers and tunnelers so he'd be ready for that sort of environment. > "Maybe this will help," FX said. He charged his fire powers and > created a small fireball that floated in front of them, illuminating > the tunnel. JOEL: 'Cause he knows how to create a small fireball that floats in front of them and illuminates the tunnel, you know. > "Come on," he said, walking down the passageway, the > fireball constantly floating in front of him. Sonic followed. TOM: Since his alternative is...? > After a very long walk, the passageway seemed to end. "FX, I > thought you were smarter than this. You dug a tunnel and forgot to > finish it?" Sonic asked, folding his arms. CROW: [ As FX ] "No, no, you silly hedgehog, I just haven't finish--uh-- heh heh." JOEL: Actually he just lost the other end of the tunnel. > FX made his fireball speed past Sonic's face and toward the > assumed dead end, where it shot straight up and disappeared. "I > thought _you_ were smarter," he retorted. TOM: On the basis of no evidence whatsoever. > "We had to travel down to > get to this passageway, remember? Now we have to go back up." JOEL: What, no cool underground city? TOM: Man, I feel ripped off. > He > took Sonic's arm again and flew upwards, where the fireball floated > in mid-air, waiting for them. CROW: They better hurry up, Automan needs his pal Cursor back. > By the light it gave off, Sonic could > see another wooden door above them. FX flew up to it, then tried to > open it. It wouldn't budge. TOM: I'm telling you, we can get into the bank's vault, grab the cash, and be out before they even know to call security... > He pounded on it with his fist, but the > door refused to open. "Stuck. Oh well," FX muttered. JOEL: [ Flatly ] "Guess we're dead. Bummer." > He made the > small fireball above them grow larger until it was the size of the > door, then he made the fireball blast through it. CROW: That's a good way not to give your presence away. > The door burned > into nothingness, and the fireball dissipated soon after. > FX flew up past the hole with Sonic, then landed. JOEL: Pismo Beach! And all the clams we can eat! > Sonic looked > around them. They were in a room that could belong to one of the huts > at Knothole, and this place was pretty familiar. TOM: You've taken us to Smurf Village? > "Hey, isn't this your room?" CROW: "Yup. Covered up the secret hole with a poster of Rita Hayworth. That I put in the middle of the floor." > "Yup," FX replied. He looked down at the hole in the floor. "Now > I'm going to have to rebuild that..." JOEL: MMMMM...*there*. I thought about it so now I'm done! > Suddenly, the door to FX's room opened. The two gasped and turned > around. The person at the door looked at them. TOM: Oh, see, now they're going to have to tunnel down and they'll climb inside the TV set the warden is giving to his wife and they have to act out all the TV shows. > "I thought I heard > something. It figures that you used the tunnel." CROW: She read the story ahead of time and knew what to expect. > "Liz!" FX cried with relief. He walked over and pulled her into > the room, shutting the door behind them. TOM: "Did you know there's this tunnel leading out to the middle of the forest?" > "Keep it quiet," he told her, > lowering his voice a bit. "We don't want anyone to find us here." CROW: In the obvious place to put under guard. > Liz nodded. "I know. I heard what happened. I feel like kicking a > black-and-white striped hairball in the rear." > "I know the feeling," said Sonic. JOEL: When we're dancing on the ceiling. > "I think I have an idea." She said. > "You do?" FX asked. TOM: But you're a *girl*! > Liz walked to the door of FX's room. "Yeah, don't worry." She > opened it and started to walk out of the room. "If everything goes > the way I want it to, CROW: I must be the author's surrogate for the story. > you'll both be cleared soon," she called over > her shoulder. She came back out, holding a small map of Knothole. JOEL: The whole village fits on just two animation cels. > "Alright," she said, unfolding the map and pointing to a hut, "here's > the plan....." TOM: Are we the X's or the zeroes? CROW: You hold him down, and I'll kick. JOEL: [ Picking up TOM and exiting ] The skunk? CROW: No. FX. [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]