[ SOL BRIDGE. CROW and TOM are behind the desk, with typewriters in front of both of them. They are both speaking at the same time. ] CROW: Sonic turned to Crow T. [ Pausing for effect ] Groundhog [ Another pause ] and said, "Truly, your powers are without equal in our fair yet troubled land; we would fain to welcome you in our midst, should you enter with open arms into our struggle for a free and just peace." TOM: Meanwhile aboard the orbiting Sonic planetary defense fleet vessel one Lynn Servo prepares a concert she hopes will bring peace to the troubled citizens of the great starship and someday the whole Galaxy; little does she know Ryk Servo, having given up his hopes for true love with her, has signed up for a near certain suicide mission to the evil fleet lead by the mysterious "Crow" -- by the time she learns and rushes to his side they may have no time left at all. [ JOEL, playing a paddle ball, enters. ] JOEL: Hello, my fair-haired wards; what's up? CROW: The muses have alighted with us, Joel. TOM: Finally, the awesome power of the written word has inspired us. CROW: For this fair day we have learned that most important of lessons. TOM: We have seen that noblest of challenges. CROW: We dare join an elite few of humanity. TOM: There are no regrets. JOEL: [ After a beat ] But what are you doing? TOM: Writing fanfics. CROW: Sonic fanfics, natch. TOM: Mine's better. CROW: Mine's cooler. It's the story of a confused young golden robot who finds himself thrust into Knothole Village; after some confusion and initial rejection he turns into a groundhog and develops super powers, and finds acceptance and the home he longed for. TOM: Whereas mine is the story of star-crossed red-bellied metallic lovers whose experimental superstarship encounters the injustice done by Doctor Robotnik, and uses their ingenuity and wits to find happiness and right the universe. JOEL: Sounds like you're both putting a lot of work. CROW: I'm putting more in 'cause I'm a better writer. TOM: Oh yeah? Well, I'm such a better writer I don't have to work so hard! MAGIC: If I may, Joel? JOEL: Oh, Magic Voice, yes? Do you have something to contribute? MAGIC: Yes, I do. I wrote my own Sonic fanfic, and I'd like to share it with you now. JOEL: Please do. Does it have a title? MAGIC: "My Sonic Fanfic: A Story in Eight Words." JOEL: Uh-huh? MAGIC: "Who are you?" Sonic asked. "I'm the author." The end. [ JOEL starts clapping politely. ] CROW: She's got us beat. TOM: Dang, why didn't we think of that? JOEL: Thank you, Magic Voice. That was... [ MOVIE SIGN starts flashing ] ALL: MOVIE SIGN! [ General disarray of matters. ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] CROW: We don't appreciate her talents enough. JOEL: Not nearly. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- CROW: Ooh, hey, the story's now repeating Tom's name over and over! TOM: That's not funny, Crow. CROW: Says you. JOEL: Don't make me separate you two. > Chapter 7 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > ------------------------------------------- > > The moon shined down on Knothole as most of the villagers slept. JOEL: This was the only time of day Sonic was brave enough to try it. > A few guards marched around the perimeter while Bunnie Rabbot sat on > a low tree branch above the Power Ring Pool, watching for anyone who > might be out to steal the secrets of the mystical rings. CROW: [ Growling ] "Guard guard guard guard guard guard guard guard..." > Princess Sally was almost asleep, thinking about what had > happened earlier. Had she done the right thing? Of course she had. TOM: It gave us a plot point, and the end of the fanfic will see all the bad emotion thingies wiped out anyway. > Sonic and FX betrayed them, and they were caught. Still, Geoffrey > _did_ look a little strange while Sonic and FX were sitting in cuffs. > She was going to continue thinking about it when a low hum began to > emanate from the center of her hut. CROW: OOOoooooooh... TOM: Pretty... > A bluish glow appeared from the > same spot where the hum was coming from. JOEL: Aw, no, she's walking into the bug zapper! > The glow became a little > larger, waking Princess Sally a little more. The glow stopped, and > in its place was a cloaked figure, about her height. TOM: "I'm looking for the Babylon 5 set, have you seen it about?" > She was still > tired, so at first she thought it was a dream. JOEL: But her legal nightmare was just beginning. > Before she could do > or say anything, the figure grabbed Nicole, who was sitting on the > nightstand, and began to glow again. CROW: Joel, tell me they aren't going to get transported to Earth to finish the story. JOEL: They aren't getting transported to Earth to finish the story. TOM: That would require actually *finishing* the story. > The last thing she saw before > the figure disappeared was a glowing yellow streak around its eyes. > A streak that she recognized all too well. TOM: The kind of streak that she hoped would come and wash all the grime out of this city. > She finally began to > comprehend what had just happened, but she refrained from waking all > the villagers and telling them Nicole had been stolen, and went back > to sleep, deciding to wait until sunrise to spread the news. CROW: It's only one of their most important assets for the entire counter-revolution, no need to even *try* protecting it. > No > matter how shocked she was, she didn't want to go out into Knothole > and wake everyone at 3:00 a.m. over it. TOM: Besides, it's only sporting to give the thieves a fair chance to make a clean getaway. > The same glow appeared in the hidden tunnel that led to FX's hut. > The same cloaked figure appeared. FX took off the hood of his cloak > and flew up into his hut. Sonic and Liz greeted him. JOEL: [ As Liz ] AAUGH! Nothing, nothing! TOM: [ As Sonic ] We weren't kissing, no! > "How'd it go?" Liz inquired. > "Like clockwork," he replied, holding up the small computer, CROW: Except for being instantly spotted and identified. > "now we just need to wait until morning." > They all got some rest, then got up at dawn. Liz looked out the > window. JOEL: What the...the people of Freedonia are out there, and they're up in arms! They're outraged! > "We'd better hurry. People are starting to gather around in the > center of the village." Liz said, opening up the newly-rebuilt hatch > that lead into the underground tunnel. Sonic and FX crawled in. TOM: Torpedo tube one! Fire! > "Let's hope this works." FX replied doubtfully. He dropped down > into the tunnel and closed the hatch as Liz opened the door and went > out to join the crowd. > Princess Sally was speaking to the crowd as Liz came up. CROW: "And I will be awarding one million pazoozas to anyone who can retrieve my daughter from the top of this glass mountain." > "Last night," Sally began, "FX managed to sneak into my hut and > steal Nicole. I don't know how or why he did it, but we must find him! TOM: [ As Mobian ] "Why didn't you call us for help last night when it was happening? CROW: [ As Sally ] "Uh ... I was sleepy." > I want search parties organized and-" > "I wouldn't even bother, Princess!" > Everyone turned to look where the voice had come from and saw FX > flying down out of the sky with Sonic in tow. TOM: His muzzle deep in an airsickness bag... > The dropped to the > ground about 15 yards away from the crowd. Some of the villagers ran > toward them, about to attack, JOEL: Oh, the Mobian Playhouse Theater is presenting Frankenstein. They're always good with this one. > but FX fired some ProtoLaser bolts > above their heads and all but one teenage fox stopped in their tracks. JOEL: If they stopped in each other's tracks they'd just confuse the nice forest rangers. > The one who didn't stop was about to leap at FX but he was nailed with > a low-power ProtoLaser bolt, knocking him backwards. CROW: Whew! Yeesh! Your *socks*, buddy... > He landed on his > back and another pair of villagers ran to him, checked to see if he > was still alive, and dragged him back over to the crowd. > "He's only stunned," FX pointed out, his eyes glowing brightly, TOM: Well, and stupid, but that's not my fault. > "But I can do worse if necessary." CROW: We've already seen it this story. > "What have you done with Nicole?" Sally demanded. > In response, Sonic pulled Nicole out of his backpack, flipped > her open and handed her to FX. TOM: We had a Tetris tournament going on. Sorry about that. > "Nicole," FX commanded, "access drive a', authorization code > Alpha-C3." CROW: Hey, wasn't that Optimus Prime's predecessor as ruler of the Autobots? JOEL: No, you're thinking of Alpha Trion. CROW: Oh, right, I forgot. > Nicole beeped as she processed the information. > TOM: Good morning, Hal. > Sally gaped. "How did you know how to override the authorization > code?" JOEL: Oh, you just say 'override authorization' and you can get in. Haven't you ever seen a Next Generation episode? > FX Grinned. "I figured out pretty easily, actually. You're only > using a level two security block, so I managed to break through with > ease. JOEL: Also you wrote your password on a piece of masking tape on the back. > Heck, I could've done it with my eyes closed." he paused, and > then spoke to Nicole. "Nicole, TOM: How's my hair look? > activate the DeltaScan program on the > a' drive, authorization code Zeta-13." CROW: And Zeta 13 tries to invade! Panic! > modifications...> > "What are you doing?" Sally asked. JOEL: Oh, this is the episode where Bryce Lynch and Edison Carter make that sheep appear as the Trojan horse. > "I told you yesterday, but you wouldn't believe me. Geoffrey > got a hold of this disk and altered it to appear that Sonic and I > gave Robotnik those other disks, which Sonic still has in his > backpack from after we stole them from Snively. TOM: Everybody got that? This will be on the quiz. > As for what I'm > doing...Well, you don't think I would make my own kind of video-disk > if it wasn't foolproof, would I? CROW: You know, FX may have overprepared for his little mission of going to Mobius and asking for help, if this is what he's got. > That's why I have this partially > hidden scanning program inside the disk." FX glared at Geoffrey, JOEL: It was you, you know. TOM: Nuh-uh. JOEL: Was too. TOM: The one who smelt it dealt it. JOEL: Oh. > who was starting to sweat. > Nicole reported, CROW: Apparently, the original used the word 'boogerhead' much more often. > Compensations for the recent changes...Compensations Complete. > Playing video> TOM: If this turns out to be "South Park" I'm gonna vomit. > A hologram of Robotnik's headquarters appeared, and > Geoffrey walked in, told Robotnik about the disks, CROW: Security footage provided courtesy Knothole Village 7-11. > gave them to > him, and left. After the hologram ended, however, Sally was not > impressed. TOM: *That's* your science fair project, young man? I've seen better video games on an Atari 2600! > "How do I know that you didn't just edit the video the same way > you claim that Geoffrey did?" She asked skeptically. JOEL: [ As FX ] Because I'm the author's avatar and you must yield before my might? > FX spoke to Nicole once again. "Nicole, please verify that you > have just Compensated for changes in the video, as opposed to editing > it to look like you had compensated for changes." CROW: And that you haven't compensated to correct for the editing done to compensate for changing the unedited compensations...oh, forget it already! > the changes made to the Untitled video file contained on the disk.> > Sally tried once again to find a reason to disbelieve FX. JOEL: We'll force dramatic conflict into this story even if it kills us. > "Well, > how could Geoffrey had edited it? He wouldn't have been able to use > any of Robotropolis's computers." TOM: Unless he tried. > "I think _I_ can answer that." Sonic said. Sonic ran over to > Geoffrey, ripped off the skunk's sash, and returned to his original > position. ALL: Professor Hyde-White! > Sonic felt around the sash until he had located the hidden > pocket. > "Give that back!" Geoffrey yelled. JOEL: You need to get your hand stamped before you take it! > Sonic ripped open the pocket and pulled out a replica of Nicole. > "Voila!" CROW: Viola! TOM: Cello! JOEL: Fluglehorn! > "Oh, c'mon. You just took Nicole and pretended to pull her out > of....." She stopped as FX held up the real Nicole next to the Replica. TOM: Geoffrey made it in the woods, out of mud and branches and leaves. > Everyone stared at it until they heard Sally scream. JOEL: Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the horizon! > They looked back to where Sally was standing and saw that Geoffrey > was holding his crossbow to her neck. "Nobody move, or she's dead!" CROW: And this time we mean she'll stay head! > He > started dragging her into the forest. "And I don't want to catch > anybody following!" JOEL: So make sure you outsmart me when you do follow me! > He ran into the forest, pulling her behind. CROW: [ As FX ] We've had it with this story! We're getting out! > Once they were out of sight, FX grunted out a Ferretaran swear > word. Although Sonic didn't know a word of Ferretaran language, he > understood what FX meant. CROW: Now...technically, isn't this inconsistent with the workings of his magic translator device, as outlined last fanfic? JOEL: Probably, yeah. CROW: Should we care? TOM: Nope. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- CROW: Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom. TOM: [ At the same time ] Moot moot moot moot moot moot. JOEL: Don't make me separate you two. > Chapter 8 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > FX, Sonic, Bunnie, Rotor and Liz sat in the War Room, depressed. TOM: We're baaaad counter-revolutionaries. > It had been half an hour and they still couldn't figure out a way to > find Geoffrey and Sally. FX had no ideas, CROW: So he dialed up Marrissa Picard on his speed-dialer. > so he asked Nicole. > Nicole replied, JOEL: We could beep her pager. > equipped well enough to scan for the princess from this distance, but > there is a computer that probably can.> > "Where?" Sonic asked eagerly. JOEL: The legendary Voltron. > the Princess.> CROW: Right. And Robotnik doesn't use that to lob a couple missiles at them because...? > "Oh Great!" Sonic whined, "We have to go all the way to > Robotropolis and get into his computer?" TOM: www.evil.com. > from one of the computers in Knothole. CROW: But we put that 'SafeSearch' blocking software on all the nasty sites like that. > We need to access Robotnik's > main-frame computer system and break his access code.> > "I might be able to do that," FX pointed out, ALL: We know. > "but Robotnik > probably has a higher level security block than I'm used to, so it > might take some time." > "Well, we gotta try!" Bunnie chimed. CROW: If we don't try, how else will we fail? > "Okay, I'll try..." > In a few minutes they were all gathered in FX's hut around his > computer. He began typing. TOM: Uh..don't mind the background picture, I didn't know anyone was going to be seeing my computer today and...well, look, I don't *really* want to do something like that with lawn darts and an anthropomorphic female giraffe, it's just...uh...anyway. > A number of commands came up on his screen. > The last line simply said "access denied". FX cursed, and continued > typing. JOEL: This is gonna hurt, guys. > He typed in "Access ~Robo1". The computer's reply was "enter > security code". He suddenly had an idea. CROW: If I mix marshmallows in at the same time I add the eggs, my chocolate chip cookies will be extra tasty! > Instead of trying to cheat > his way through the code, he typed the word "rodent" into the code. TOM: Just a slightly lamer password than 'password'. > The screen lit up, saying "~Robo1 Accessed". > "Yes! I'm in!" He yelled. CROW: No, wait, I'm out. Hold on, I'm in again. Wait. No, I'm just confused. > Sonic was confused. "You just typed rodent'! How did that break > the code?" > "It _was_ the code." FX replied. JOEL: And now for another installment of, "FX Is Brilliant." > "Eh?" > "Lemme put it this way: Who is Robotnik always cursing at? Who > does he hate the most?" CROW: Tina Yothers? TOM: The photographers who keep giving him red eye? JOEL: Mark Goodson and Bill Toddman? > Sonic smiled. "Me, of course!" > "And what does he call you?" JOEL: Stupid stupid dummyhead? > "........ rodent'!" > "Exactly! I remembered reading about how, a few months ago, Sir > Charles and Sally used the access code rodent' to stop a squad of > stealth-bots, CROW: So Ferretara has access to fanfics, and not much else, hm? > so I figured, Why not this block too?'." TOM: Because most villains aren't rock stupid? > "We still need to find the Princess!" Bunnie reminded them. JOEL: I know. I've called in two experts, Mario and Luigi, to assist. > FX continued typing, until he had access to the scanners. JOEL: 'Cause he knows how to get access to the scanners, you know. > He > scanned Robotropolis and got nothing. Nothing was near the edge of > the forest either. TOM: So it turns out Robotnik's scanners can't find Sally, eh? > He felt quite discouraged at this, but Rotor said > something quite intriguing that upped his spirits. JOEL: "You're still way better at everything than any of us are." > "What if you reset one of Robo's spy orbs and us it to hunt > around?" CROW: Pictures of clouds. It's been drizling all afternoon. > Everyone stared at Rotor in sheer comprehension. > "Rotor, you're brilliant!" JOEL: Dressing everyone up like 19th Century impressionist painters was exactly what this party needed! > FX typed at warp speed, resetting a spy orb and setting it to > send a repeating old tape of security recording to Robotropolis in > its place. TOM: It's like "Speed," only it's not about a bus, and it's not a movie, and it's not dramatic. > "Where to?" Asked FX. > "Well.......," Rotor pondered silently for a moment, JOEL: How about Toronto? I've always wanted to see the town. > "How about > the borders of Robotropolis?" > FX shrugged. "It's as good as anywhere, I suppose." CROW: Even though we already searched them with the other sensors. > The computer showed the orb's progress. JOEL: It got through the aqua, gold, and blue levels of the SRA kit. > As the orb neared the > dark swamp, a small area near the bottom of the screen lit up. > "The infrared sensors have found something that isn't plant life. TOM: We know it's alive because we can hear it thinking. > I'll zoom in." FX said, typing rapidly. The screen turned dark, showing > the different areas of heat. JOEL: Okay, who turned off the lights? > Near Ironlock Prison, that was a large > gathering of heated objects. FX switched back to normal view, and the > screen displayed, in the middle of a clearing next to Ironlock, exactly > what they were looking for. CROW: There. The exact spot where Skylab went down. > "Geoffrey..." FX mumbled. JOEL: FX will be thrown out of being a Toys R Us Kid at this rate. > "Let's move!" Sonic yelled, blasting out the door. TOM: HEY! GEOFFREY! GREAT TO SEE YOU AGA-- oh, wait, sneaking up on him, sorry, forgot myself. > Various object > were sucked out the door with him, a trademark (It's gotta be by now) CROW: Can we get an anti-cute grenade to use on fanfic writers? TOM: And wouldn't that actually be a trademark of the Road Runner, first? JOEL: [ Patting TOM's shoulder ] It's just a cartoon, don't worry about it. TOM: [ Muttering ] It's a lot of cartoons, but that doesn't help. > reaction to Sonic's speed. The others ran out the door, headed toward > their target, the rogue skunk that had to be stopped. TOM: Before he rogued again! JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Let's blow this popsicle stand. CROW: Fine by me. [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL BRIDGE. JOEL is standing behind the desk; several large metal air ducts are to either side, from floor to ceiling. JOEL slowly surveys the area. ] JOEL: So, what's going on? CROW: [ Heavily echoed ] Joel? Is that you? JOEL: Yup. Tom, are you in there too? [ He taps on an air duct. ] TOM: [ Similarly echoed ] Ow! Ow! Yes, Joel, we can hear you. JOEL: What tomfoolery are you up to this time? CROW: [ After a beat ] I'm shocked at the implication. TOM: I am dismayed at your cynicism. It so happens we have decided to make something of our lives, Joel. CROW: We have a goal. We have a mission. TOM: To which we pledge our lives, our fortunes, our sacred honors. JOEL: You're not thinking of running away to join Sonic and the Freedom Fighters, are you? TOM: Oh, no, no, no, absolutely not. CROW: No, not at all, not in the least. TOM: No, no... CROW: No... TOM: Yes. CROW: Yeah. TOM: Yup. You got us. CROW: Yes. JOEL: And you're in there because... CROW: Basic training. TOM: We've got to be ready for the exciting, action-filled life that awaits us when we figure out a way to get to Mobius. JOEL: Aw, c'mon guys, I thought you knew better than this. What we see in a story is a handful of significant events -- and that's a very tiny sliver of a person's life. TOM: What? JOEL: For instance, in FX's stories, we see a couple days of space travel and meeting a new world and going on top-secret missions, but what we don't sit through is the months of basic, mundane details that fill out most of anyone's life. CROW: So you're saying average life on Mobius is as unheroic as life here? JOEL: Afraid so. The only transcendent things in life are the joy you discover in the mundane, in the people you learn to share that with, in the things you do that make you proud. Crawling around the air ducts of Robotropolis isn't it. TOM: Gosh. CROW: But isn't that a selfish view of life, to worry about only yourself when there's great injustices, like Doctor Robotnik's conquest of Mobius, to fight? JOEL: Well, sure, but that's just a comic book and barely animated cartoon. I mean, get real. Now, you two going to come out of those? CROW: Sure. TOM: Yeah. CROW: Gladly. TOM: Without hesitation. JOEL: You're stuck, aren't you? TOM: Us? Stuck? CROW: No, no, not at all. TOM: Not in the slightest. CROW: Nope. TOM: No. CROW: Yes. TOM: Yup. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN starts flashing ] JOEL: I had a feeling. We'll be right back. CROW: Yeah. [ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]