[ ALL enter theater. ] CROW: I still think you're being a self-centered tool of the bourgeoise. JOEL: Hey, it happens. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > Chapter 9 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > "Hold still," Geoffrey snorted through the swamp-scented air, "or > you'll be _very_ sorry." TOM: We're going to be chopping up the garlic cloves, and don't want to catch your fingers under the knife. > Sally continued to struggle as Geoffrey tied her arms around a > large oak. He tied her wrists tightly and stepped back. > "Well then, that looks becoming on you," JOEL: Honey, bruised is your color! > He said, his ego spewing > hogwash out of his hideous smile. TOM: And our newest entry into the Really Befuddling Mental Image Sweepstakes is... > "Shut up," Sally said simply, wishing she could rip out that smile > and shove it down his throat (a feeling felt widespread through > Knothole Village). CROW: Did the author mention how much he hates Geoffrey, lately? > He looked over at a large missile in the center of the clearing. > "Once that has destroyed Knothole, I suppose I will." TOM: I mean, you know, there won't be much more to say, will there? > "You idiot! A nuclear missile hitting Knotho-" > "My dear, why on Mobius would I use a nuclear missile that could > destroy part of Robotropolis? CROW: A desire to end years of pointless warfare, at the cost of an insignificant portion of the whole planet? > That missile is a rather cheap explosive, > but It will destroy Knothole, and not too much of the forest, TOM: And your parents' tomato gardens. Just to be complete. > hopefully. Robotnik had it designed to destroy a place of Knothole's > size, but I decided to be nice and have him let me program the missile > manually rather than telling him Knothole's location. JOEL: He's going to have to infer it from the blast radius, so there! > I hope that > pleases you." > "How the heck do you expect that to make me happy?!" > "You and all of the village will die before Robotnik finds > Knothole." CROW: Oh, yeah, that is a comfort--huh? > "So?" > Geoffrey sighed a turned around, only to come face-to-face with > a slightly ticked off hedgehog. JOEL: Dino! No! Get down! TOM: Ruh ruh ruh ruh ruh! Ruh ruh ruh ruh ruh! > "Hi." A loud "thwap" came out as Sonic's fist smashed into > Geoffrey's face, knocking the treasonous traitor backward. CROW: I bet you the treasonous traitor is going to reply in response soon. > Geoffrey wanted to retaliate, but he had to watch as FX, Liz, > Rotor, and Bunnie approached, TOM: The Unscritchables! > ready to inflict pain on a certain skunk > they knew and hated. > Sally wasn't nearly as weak as Geoffrey had always thought, JOEL: You know, I hear the author really hates Geoffrey. TOM: It's barely suggested, but just might be so. > and > she took those few seconds to free herself. While FX, Sonic, Liz, and > Bunnie leapt on Geoffrey, Sally and Rotor ran to the missile. CROW: Quick! We must deactivate it! TOM: But it's not activated! CROW: Then quick, activate it so we can defuse it! > Sonic was rapidly throwing punches at Geoffrey while the others > waited for their turn. Suddenly, Geoffrey decided not to be weak for > the following few minutes or so, TOM: It was nice of the World Wrestling Federation to organize this fight, wasn't it? CROW: Very considerate of them. > and broke free, loading his crossbow > in seconds. FX, who was about 20 feet away, standing next to a large > but crumbling tower (part of Ironlock, for people who haven't been > paying attention), JOEL: A rare dramatic tool, having the author whap you across the wrists with a ruler. > had started to run toward Geoff, but Geoff fired > out the arrow he had just loaded, which hit the base of the tower > and exploded, TOM: Remember, kids, if you're stuck for a plot point, try having an explosion. > unlike many of Geoffrey's other arrows. CROW: For no particular reason. > FX whirled > around in horror as the large tower begin the tip over. At the rate > it was falling, he knew that his top speed couldn't get him out from > underneath it in time, JOEL: [ Calling out ] TIMMMMMMM -- > but he ran for his life anyway. The tower came > crashing down, JOEL: [ Not calling ] Ber. > smashing FX underneath it. Liz screamed as the tower > hit the ground and kicked up a cloud of dust around it, but it had > fallen down all the way, and FX was underneath it. TOM: We're not going to celebrate? CROW: Nah, he probably just used a magic force field around himself. JOEL: Or used a super digging ray to open up a shelter. CROW: Or melted the falling metal until it evaporated so he was safe. JOEL: Or happened to be standing *right* where the air vent was and so didn't get hit by anything. TOM: You're right. Or worse, he'll be saved by some ludicrous means. > Geoffrey laughed. "Now that he's gone, it's only three of you. > Since he was that easy, I suppose you will be t-" Sonic flew at him > with a supersonic bicycle CROW: Oh, I read where the San Francisco city council was going to try and regulate those. > kick pounding his skunk-nose into his face. > Bunnie ran over to the fallen tower and tried to lift it, but > her robot strength could only make it budge a little. JOEL: Oh, she should turn on the Commander Data Plot Resolver circuit. > She used up all > her strength and dropped it. TOM: Heck with it, I don't like him anyway. > A few seconds later, a small section of > the tower sprouted a few cracks, and began to crumble. Slowly, FX > crawled out, and collapsed on his face. JOEL: He looks like the engineering students, back at college, when they came back from the frat parties. > "Ouch..." he muttered. Liz > helped him up, and he started to shake the deathlike feeling out of > his head. TOM: [ Singing ] I'm gonna wash that death right outta my hair! > "No..." Geoffrey stared "You'd have to be invincible to survive > that!" > "Invincible? Not quite..." FX grunted out a laugh with a few > coughs mixed into it, CROW: He's just your average fanfic author-avatar. > "But it'll take more than you can dish out to > stop me." > "I'm sure" Geoffrey replied, firing another arrow. TOM: Oh, that'll do it. [ Falling to the side ] Aaauugghh... > FX caught the small arrow and winged it right back. Geoffrey > ducked to the side and watched the arrow hit a nearby tree, blowing > its trunk to bits. The tree fell down next to him. JOEL: At this rate they're going to get a stern lecture from Smokey the Bear. > Bunnie flew at > him in a flying kick. Geoffrey dodged once again and grabbed Bunnie's > outstretched leg, CROW: [ Nerdy voice ] Mrs. Robinson, am I trying to seduce you? [ TOM slumps over ] > slamming her to the ground. Geoffrey whipped out > his sword and was about to make the kill when a Sonic Spin sliced > through his flimsy blade. > Sally looked at Rotor. "I've got it!" JOEL: A show structured and written like Laugh-In, but starring teenagers! And we'll have water and green slime fall on their heads every now and then. It'll be great! > The screen on the missile > launcher flashed, and the words "Target Set" appeared. "Let's go!" CROW: Tom? JOEL: Tom, you're missing the best part. > They ran for it. "Sonic! Get moving!" Rotor screamed. Sonic, Liz, TOM: No, I'm dead. I called it. I got hit with an arrow. > FX, and Bunnie heard the signal and fled into the forest. Geoffrey got JOEL: Well, I call you not-dead. CROW: Yeah, and no tagbacks. > up and looked around. TOM: [ Getting up, slowly ] Well, okay, if you're sure you can do that. JOEL: Sure I'm sure. > "They all left. Who cares?" Remembering that his job wasn't > finished yet, he ran over to the launcher and turned on the console. TOM: This foodarackacyle is always on the blink. Jane's right, we need a new one. > He gasped in horror as the target screen lit up. The targeted location > showed his own coordinates, with the clock ticking away rapidly. JOEL: Almost a full second every second he looked. > He > had two seconds until launch, and he knew he was in trouble. CROW: So, the blast zone was the distance you can cover in running for five seconds? > With the > target set so close to the launcher, the missile wouldn't bother > launching, and immediately detonate. TOM: Are you stupid and in need of military technology? Then try new Stupid brand military hardware. > Geoffrey ran for all it was worth, > but only made it two feet before the clock stopped, JOEL: Oh, see, Geoffrey was in training for the 88-minute mile. > and he didn't even > have time to scream. TOM: He just gasped out, "Rosebud..." > The missile's warhead detonated quickly, blasting everything with > a radius of over a kilometer to bits. JOEL: Ooooh. CROW: Pretty. TOM: I see a bunny and a horsey. > Thanks to Sonic's speed and FX's > flying, the Freedom Fighters made it away safely. CROW: One of these times a fanfic writer is going to slip up and they're all going to be killed. > Geoffrey had no > chance, and was incinerated on the spot, leaving what little remained > of him blackened and smoking, to rot forever. TOM: Well, actually, it couldn't be forever because there was a finite mass to begin with, and any positive rate of decay would then use up that mass in finite time. CROW: Thank you, David Hilbert. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- JOEL: This has been a test of the emergency hyphen system. If this had been an actual hyphen, a sentence would have occured. > Chapter 10 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > A familiar "boom" echoed throughout Knothole, TOM: Oh, the gods are playing lawn darts again. > heralding a > supersonic hedgehog's approach. Which a loud "screech", the blue > blur came to a halt, JOEL: Oh, he should really get new brake pads on his, uh, feet. CROW: Yeah. > and his passengers released their death-grip > on him. > "I'm glad that's over." Bunnie said. TOM: Oh, you have no idea how *not* over these things are. > "Not quite over." Sonic said, glaring at Sally. > "Yeah, Sonic, I know what you mean..." Sally mumbled, looking > at the ground. CROW: We still have to declare our purchases with the customs officials. > She then looked back up at him, "...And you were right. > You warned me, I ignored you, TOM: I went out and relied on the available evidence like some wussy girl or something. > and Knothole was put in danger, and I'm > sorry. Will you forgive me?" CROW: Uh, gee, uhm...since we're both major characters *yes*? > "No, I'm afraid I can't." CROW: D'oh! JOEL: Can't get too cocky around these writers. TOM: Learned that the hard way, didn't you, Crow? CROW: Don't make me go over and drool on you, Servo. TOM: Hey! > "What? But-" Sally stammered. > "Think about it. I warned you billions of times, and so did > everyone else in the village. You were so engrossed with Geoffrey that JOEL: Oh, we were all pretty engrossed by this story. > you ignored us, all of us, and nearly destroyed the village. You and I > have known each other for ten years now, TOM: Actually, they've only known each other for two years, but they knew each other five times over, so it works out overal. > and you let him ruin your > trust in me and the village. I thought I knew you better than that. I > thought you knew how to make the best judgements. And most of all, CROW: I thought you were gonna get me a sandwich. What kind of host *are* you? > I > thought you'd be willing to listen to people who cared about you. You > didn't listen to a word we said. JOEL: [ As Sally ] "That's not true; I listened to all the prepositions you said. Gerunds too." > We didn't matter to you. All that > mattered was him. I really don't think you deserve forgiveness." > Sally was in tears. Everyone else was speechless. TOM: That wasn't a very good wedding toast, actually. > Sonic was not > proud of what he had just done, but he felt it was necessary. He left > the center of the village and went back to his hut. FX was equally > stunned by this turn of events, CROW: [ As FX ] I thought for sure he'd thank me for something. > but he didn't stay that way for long. > "There's nothing to see here. Go back to your homes, people." > He said. The crowd slowly broke up and they all went home, as did Sally. > Tails, who was not aware of what had transpired with Geoffrey, JOEL: Oh, see, he was wearing a roll-on anti-transpirant. > was returning from a walk in the forest when he noticed the large group > of people leaving the center of the village. TOM: Hey, look, it's a Mardis Gras festival. > Seeing Sally going into > her hut while crying, he went over to find out what was going on. He > knocked lightly on the door. > "Aunt Sally? What's going on? What happened?" CROW: [ Sniffling ] You're...you're not fighting 'cause of me, are you? TOM: Yes, Tails, we are. We're getting divorced, and it's all your fault. > "Nothing. Just leave me alone." CROW: I vant to be alone. > "I know *something* is wrong. Tell me." JOEL: I think the set of points in a Cantor dust may not have zero measure after all! > "Fine, fine. Come on in." > The door opened with a soft creak, TOM: Lucky we didn't have a babbling brook to listen to, too. > and he stepped in. She was there, > sitting on the edge of her bed, sobbing. He sat down next to her. > "Now then. What happened?" JOEL: [ As Sally ] "The soda... This is *diet*?" > Sally explained all that had transpired recently, from when > Geoffrey had framed Sonic and FX, up to Sonic's turndown. > "That doesn't sound like something Sonic would do. TOM: Yeah, it was his evil twin from another dimension in an earlier moment of the spacetime continuum, cloned into...oh, who cares? > I'm going to > go talk to him." With that, Tails got up and left to Sonic's hut. > He arrived there and was about to knock when the door opened a > crack and he could see Sonic looking at him. > "What?" Sonic said, in a somewhat odd tone of voice. JOEL: Mister, don't you make us turn this fanfic around and go home. > "We need to talk." Tails said sternly. > "Can it wait?" > "No." TOM: A very special Sonic the Hedgehog Afterschool Special. > "Fine, then." Sonic opened the door and Tails came in. "So what > do you want." CROW: Uh, hi, I came about your ad, looking for people who can type and understand shorthand? > "You broke Sally's heart. What you did was wrong, Sonic, and I > know it wasn't in your best judgement." > "I did what I had to do." TOM: When I was done, I found I had invented the ThighMaster. > "Sonic, try to see where I'm coming from-" > "No, *you* try to see where *I'm* coming from. She let that guy > in on all of Knothole's secrets when no one else trusted him. CROW: You'd think he was the author's avatar in a fanfic or something. JOEL: Remember, kids, don't try to befriend the people everyone hates; there's no chance they're just misunderstood or different. > She let > him come between her and her best friends, and wouldn't even listen > to us. Now, she wants it all to go poof' and disappear? No way! She > let it go on for months and I'm not going to give in now just so she > can feel better. JOEL: Yeah, what good is emotional resolution anyway? > She needs to actually learn something from this." > "And she has! Right now she wants to die, because she think you > don't trust her, CROW: So go on, leave the money on the countertop. She won't take more than she needs for groceries! > and that maybe even most of Knothole doesn't." > "Why should anyone trust her?" > "This is exactly what Geoffrey wanted to happen." TOM: He wanted us to improperly claim deductions on our tax returns! > This surprised Sonic. "What do you mean?" JOEL: I mean... I mean... I want cabbage for dinner tomorrow is what I mean. > "He wanted no one to trust Sally anymore. That way, the freedom > fighters would start to fall apart, and he'd still have the princess's > full confidence! This was all part of his plan, TOM: Tails figured it all out when he started talking with Pierre Salinger. > and part of it was > making sure that Sally never realized any of it! And now, even you > have been tricked!" JOEL: So, wait, the Geoffrey we've seen painted as the dumbest guy since Packbell is suddenly the cleverest person in the world? CROW: That's not that improbable, actually. > A moment of realization came over Sonic, because he knew that what > Tails had said was true. TOM: He *won't* pay a lot for his muffler! > He got up and went out the door, and Tails > followed him. > In another part of Knothole, Sally listened as another knock > emanated from her door. > "What now?" CROW: *More* solicitors? > She asked rhetorically, and opened the door to find > tails standing there, his hands behind his back. > "Hello, Aunt Sally," Tails said, holding one of his hands out, > revealing a small bouquet of red flowers. JOEL: These are the last unroboticized plants in all the world, and I picked them just for you. > "Thanks, Tails. But I'm afraid this won't cheer me up too much." > "Gee, that's too bad...since it wasn't my idea." TOM: David Copperfield suggested it. Funny, huh? > Tails said as > Sonic stepped into the hut. > "Sonic!" Sally said in surprise. > "No, no, it's okay," He patted Tails on the head, "The little guy JOEL: Hasn't had nearly enough condescention yet this afternoon. > can be really persuasive." Then he paused, and looked back up. "Apology > accepted." > Sally threw her arms around him and hugged him hard. "Thanks." CROW: You're the best notary public we've ever had. > > End TOM: No matter how much I see it, I never stop appreciating that word's beauty. [ ALL file out. ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL BRIDGE JOEL, CROW, and TOM are behind the desk. ] CROW: But don't you see our point about how we should care, even about these so-called fictional characters? JOEL: I agree with caring about righting the wrongs and healing injustices, but, c'mon, they're just imagined creations on the theater screen in there. TOM: Oh, give it a rest, Joel. If there's one thing we've learned from all these experiments, it's that the number of characters from these movies and fanfics and shorts and everything else is *legion*. It's gotten so we can barely get through one of these things without somebody we thought for sure was dead turning up on the Hex Field View Screen and hamming it up with us. JOEL: Well, I -- [ YELLOW light begins flashing ] JOEL: Wait, there's somebody -- CROW, TOM: Calling us and it's not the Mads, Cambot, put it up on the Hex Field View Screen. JOEL: [ As HFVS opens ] I was gonna get around to that. [ GEOFFREY ST. JOHN, wearing bifocal glasses, appears on screen, in front of a forest setting. ] GEOFFREY: Hello, gentlemen. I'm -- CROW: Yeah, yeah, we know. TOM: You're Geoffrey St. John, and you somehow didn't die in the massive explosion we saw in today's story. CROW: And you're calling us because you wanted to reassure us that your blatant treason to the Freedom Fighter's cause was just part of an even more elaborate 'sting' operation and not really a feat of craven cowardice? TOM: And that you're not really the embodiment of brilliant evil that disguises itself as goofily dumb evil to get your schemes across? CROW: Plus, you're working on a comeback tour to restore your good name to the readers of Sonic fanfics all over the world? JOEL: Um...hi, there. GEOFFREY: [ After a pause, removes his glasses ] Actually, I'm Geoffrey St. John, senior. I was looking for my boy...he usually calls every Sunday, rain or shine...you say he's...he...? JOEL: Uhoh. CROW: Yeep. TOM: Oh, yikes. GEOFFREY: And...he... JOEL: Uh, yeah, sir, we're going to need to have a talk, uh, could you hold on a second? GEOFFREY: If my Geoffrey is gone...I imagine I've nothing to do with my life other than wait. CROW: [ To JOEL ] See, we told you these guys were real. TOM: Yeah, great way to break tragic news to him, Joel. CROW: I thought you knew better. [ CROW and TOM storm off. ] TOM: You know, I saw something just like this in 'For Better or For Worse' once. JOEL: [ To the camera ] Uh...what do you think, sirs? [ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is standing in the middle of the area. TV's FRANK is offstage. ] DR. F: What do I think? I think my little secret agent Frank is just about due with some top-flight secrets for me to -- [ rubbing his hands ] -- twist to my evil ends, that's what! [ TV's FRANK, wearing 'Keystone Cops' style burglar shirt and eyes and walking with the exaggerated tip-toe movements, enters slowly, holding a clutch of rolled-up documents. After a few beats of this, DR. FORRESTER bats at TV's FRANK and grabs the papers. ] DR. F: Give me those. FRANK: [ Whispering ] Careful! You want to blow my cover? DR. F: Oh, knock it off. Now, what'd you get for me? FRANK: [ Whispering still ] Top-secret plans on a massive space station with incredible resources, living space, and artificial gravity! DR. F: [ Unrolling some pages ] Really? That's neat...that's... [ Reading ] that's the plans for the Satellite of Love! FRANK: [ Whispering, excited ] Yeah! Now we could build our own, and send somebody up and make him watch bad movies! [ DR. FORRESTER glares at TV's FRANK, then smiles. ] DR. F: [ Putting his arm around TV's FRANK's back ] You're right, we could do that now...and I've got just the victim in mind. [ Looks at the camera ] Until next time, kaboobies. FRANK: Should I push the button? DR. F: Yes, you should push the button. \ | / \|/ --O-- /|\ / | \ This MiSTing was edited by Joseph Nebus, and written by Joseph Nebus, Matthew Miller and Corwyn Kalenda. The Anime Plot Condenser was conceived by Monique MacNaughton; and Magic Voice's Sonic fanfic was written by Blain Hamon. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the creation of Best Brains, Inc; Sonic the Hedgehog is the creation of Sega, Archie comics, and DiC. The original ideas and copyrights and trademarks are theirs, and no infringement of or challenge to those copyright and trademark rights is intended or should be implied. The story "A Skunk Revealed" was written by George Ettinger III and Minna Lunney, and is used with permission of George Ettinger III. This MiSTing is intended solely for entertainment and is not meant to be an insult to George T. Ettinger III, Minna Lunney, or the creators or fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog products. Humorist Dave "Dave" Barry once got in trouble with the National Notary Association for an article in which he described how comically he treated his responsibilities as a notary public. Honest. There is, or was, a National Notary Association to get in trouble with. No matter how much you grow your hair, you can never have *all* the hair. > (I live to > write stuff like that ;-).