[The Satellite of Love] [Mike is reading a book when Crow and Tom march in from stage left in military suits.] MIKE: Oh, hey guys. CROW (drill sargeant): ATTENNN-HUT! [The bots snap to attention.] CROW: THIS IS COLONEL CROW T. ROBOT REPORTING FOR DUTY, *SIR!* MIKE: Huh? Tom, what's going on? TOM: WE ARE PREPARING FOR *BATTLE,* *SIR!* MIKE: Against who? And stop shouting. CROW: AGAINST THE *INTERNET,* SIR! MIKE: Why? And stop shouting. CROW: WE HAVE-- uh, we have found that Doctor Forrester has been using the Internet as a source of bad stories to send to us. Colonel Servo and I have decided to go into battle to locate the source of this nefarious evil and shut it down once and for all. MIKE: Oh, come on. We haven't had anything too bad so far! TOM: Gypsy helped us hack into the security system for Deep 13. Dr. Forrester was laughing maniacally. MIKE: He's an evil scientist! He does that all the time! CROW: For six hours straight? MIKE: Oh, dear. [The Mad light flashes.] DR. FORRESTER: Good morning, booby! MIKE (grimacing): It WAS a good morning. DR. F: Ha! Talk back all you want! I've got something that will bend you to my will at last! TOM: Aw, jeez! He found that Sailor Moon Crossover-- [Crow knocks Tom off the table] ACK! CROW (hissing): Don't give him any ideas! DR. F: What was that? TOM (nervously, getting back on the table): Uh, nothing! DR. F: Frank, remind me to search for Sailor Moon fan fics. CROW: Nice going, gumball head! [The bots begin to bicker.] DR. F: Anyway, I stumbled upon this thing called 'alt.startrek.creative'-- TOM (background): Banana beak! MIKE: UH-oh. CROW (background): Fire hydrant! DR. F: And I'm trying to get into it now. The server's down, though. TOM (background): Goldenrod! MIKE: Whew! CROW (background): Why you little-- DR. F: Fortunately, I have a back-up plan! This is from another place called alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog... and I hope you enjoy DEEP hurting, 'cause that's what you're gonna feel! Oh, it feels so GOOD to be evil! Push the button, Frank! [Chaos ensues.] MIKE: Guys, settle this later. We've got fanfic sign! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2....] > ATTENTION: This is a good story so no bad coments please! TOM: Okay. We'll stick to the witty and sarcastic ones. CROW: And the DIRTY ones! MIKE: It's way too early to start that, Crow. > Author's notes.. CROW (SonicFan): Sunday... hmm... it's write crappy story day! > Lord of PEZ is awsome! MIKE (offering Pez dispenser): Want some Pez, Tom? TOM: Aw... some. > Vote NO on Ken Penders! CROW: I tried, but he wouldn't stop squirming! MIKE: Was that dirty? CROW: Uh... no! > End of Author's notes. Now onto the stroy! TOM: Spelling errors? [chuckles.] No problem. I mean, how could spelling errors possibly bother us? [Another Tom appears from the left of the screen.] ALL: Holy cow! TOM: Hi. I'm Tom from the future. I remembered I had said that, so I had to come back to this point to say two very important words to you, past self: STEPHEN RATLIFF. [The future Tom vanishes.] CROW: What the heck do you think that meant? MIKE: I have no idea. > SONIC FIGHTS ROBOTNIK TOM: My, that's an original title. CROW: I have this horrible feeling that he just told us the basic plot. > By SONICFAN > Sonics best adventure yet! [All burst into hysterical laughter. Crow falls out of his seat.] > It was a brite midday morning in KnotHole Forrest. The > animals were doing things like they usually do. TOM: With chicken! > Rotor was cleaning up the sprokets > Bunny was repainting the huts and Tails wasx fighting > stuffed bots with kung-fu. > Sonic was in his hut drinking a Mountian Due TOM: Mike, that was two spelling errors and an out of place reference in two words. I think you'd better make sure you've got replacement heads for me. > and watching TV. Furry Beavis and Butthead was > on. CROW: On what? MIKE: Knowing Beavis and Butthead? Nothing less powerful than weed. > "It's like beavis and butthead but beavis is a rat and > butthead is a dog" Sonic says to the reader. TOM: WAAAAAAAAUGH! MIIIIKE! I'M GOING TO DIE! MIKE: I don't like the way this is going. > Antoinee was in his house jamming to Greenday. [Tom's head promptly explodes.] MIKE: 'Antoinee?' CROW: Holy cow, Mike! I think this is going to get worse! MIKE: If it does, I may not have brought enough bulbs. [Mike begins to repair Tom.] > Just out of nowhere rotor jumps into the room! > Sonic looked around his hut. "Sonic!@" CROW: knothole.org! [Tom moans as he awakens.] > saidrotor. "Look out a SWAT-missel is going to hit you!" > Sonic said "WHA?" TOM (a bit shakily, as Sonic): I can't understand you with all of these typos! MIKE: I think I'd better raise the settings on your tolerance for pain, Tommy. TOM: Yes, please. > and loooked out the window. A swat missel was going > to hit him! He jumped out of the hut and ran around the > missel. Soon it smashed into a tree and blew into a > million peices. "Woah close one dude but I made it ok" > he said (sonic) MIKE: Sonic MADE it?! He's working with Robotnik, Rotor! Look out! TOM: But that would mean Robotnik knew the secret location of Knothole Village! CROW: Faaaanboy! > ROtor said "Bye" CROW: -t me, it's fun! > and left. > [[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]] > Meanwhile in Robotroptolis > Grr said Robotnik."I hate it when missel misses!" TOM: Robotnik's plan to attack the Freedom Fighters with ocean life fails once more! MIKE: I believe that was 'missle,' spelled wrong, not 'mussel,' spelled wrong. TOM: Oh. > he said, also "THis is your fault!" he said to Snively. > "no no sir!" he replied! > "Packbell" > "Yes sir?" > "Kill sonic because snively is too dumb to be able too!" > "Yes sir" TOM: Woah! I'll bet he stayed up all night memorizing his lines! > "What a fat" said snively, under his voice. MIKE: A fat what? > [][][][][][][][][][][][][] > 3 or four days later back at knothole TOM (SonicFan): I don't know WHEN it happened! I'm just the author! > Sonic is chatting with Sally on IRC TOM: THEY LIVE IN THE SAME FREAKIN' VILLAGE! [Tom's head explodes again.] CROW: How many of those heads do you have? MIKE: *Definitely* not enough. > I luv u sal ;) Awww ;) CROW (falsetto): -- darnit. Why is it always these hedgehogs who have the hots for me? > no ;p TOM: What did he say to her? MIKE: He asked her to have-- uhhh, don't worry about it. > you are buetiful TOM (Sanoic/Sonic): But you're not *beautiful.* I'm leaving you for Bunny. > ok we ave cybersex [Tom's head sparkles, but doesn't explode.] TOM: Must... fight... this... fanfic.... MIKE: Hang in there, Tom! We can do it! CROW: Unnhhh.... > JUST THEN ROTOR BREAKS > DOWN THE DOOR IN EMERGENCY! > Rotor: Sonic look out we are under attack by 1000000 TOM (Rotor): ... and a half... > SWAT BOTS! > Sonic: Ok i got it covered CROW: Covered with what? TOM: Whip cream! > Sonic runs to the bots "Yo dudes whats up?" > Swat bots: DRRRROOOONE, WE KILL > HEDGEHOG #1 PRIRORITY TOM: I believe they say, 'Priority one, hedgehog.' CROW: Faaaaaaaaanboyyyyyyy! TOM: Mike! Make him stop! MIKE: Don't be a hypocrite, Crow. CROW: Hey! > Sonic said "You drone alot bots" MIKE: Dialogue worthy of Shakespeare. CROW: Shakespeare is FASCINATING compared to this drek. > Just then Sonic spinned around and around > killing half the bots. TOM: Sure. Half a million. No problem... no... prob... lem.... [It's a veritable lightshow in Tom's bulb.] > The other half tried to shoot him but sonic > pulled out a power ring and turned into > super sonic CROW: But he needs 7 Chaos Emeralds and 49 more rings! TOM: Oh, please! And you call ME a fanboy! > easily killing the rest with no effort. [Tom can't handle it any longer. Mike, seeing this coming, grabs another one, unscrews Tom's head, and replaces it. Mike throws the defective one off-stage, and we can hear it explode.] TOM: Gimme that box. I'm gonna need it. [Mike moves the box to the seat at Tom's left.] > "well" said sonic "looks like 0 to me hmmmm > your counting is bad Rote" > Sonic goes back to watching TV > Robotik appears on the TV! CROW (Sonic): But we got canceled! TOM (Robotnik): Fool! The Cartoon Network saved me! > "Hello my name is Dr. Robotnik TOM (Troy McClure): You may have seen me in such films as.... > I have taken over the TV station no one can > stop me ha ha ha ha." > "No way Fatnick! Let's get ready to rock!" CROW: Not to Green Day again, I hope. > said sonic > Sonic was talking to Sally "We gotta stop > Robotnuk!" > Tails says "Can I go too Sally?" > Sally said "No you are too little robotnik and > his bots would kill you or robotosize you" MIKE (falsetto): We need you to stay here and have someone the younger viewers can relate to. > -----WARNING if you are offended you > should not read this neck part---------- TOM: Or this head part. Or arm part. CROW: Or this-- MIKE: NO, CROW! > "FOCK YOU SALLY!!!!!!!!!!!" SCREMED > tails TOM: OUT of character remark. [Tom's head shoots off like a rocket. He climbs into the box and reappears with a new bulb.] TOM: I'm out of replacements, Mike. > --------Ok kids you can look now :)---------- MIKE: I'd really rather not, actually. > Sally kicked Tails "BAd Tails don't say > that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" > Tails said "I am mad now I hate you!" > Sonic said "oh no but we have to stop > Robotnick's TV plan! Let's go!!!!!!" CROW: 'Oh no.' He sounds so disappointed. TOM (Luke Skywalker): But I was going to go to the Taashi station to pick up some power converters! MIKE: Speaking of going, let's take a break. [They head out of the theater.] [Mike, Tom, and Crow are surrounded by scientific equipment, which leads to the hexfield.] CROW: Okay, now increase the universal frammistat on the particle inducement chamber. TOM (aside): Crow does the BEST technobabble. MIKE: Got it... CROW: And that should do it. TOM: Hey, check it out! [They turn to face the screen the Mads usually appear on. Sonic the Hedgehog is staring at them. He has a 'Mountain Due' soda can in one hand, and a remote control in the other. A particularly loud and undecipherable Green Day CD can be heard in the background. He is wearing a shirt that has Furry Beavis and Butthead on it.] MIKE: Hi, uh, Sonic? SONIC: Huh? What'sup wiiith yu? First Robotnick, now some geek in a jumpsueit! MIKE: HEY! [Sonic pounds on the television.] SONIC: And... omigosh! ROBOTS! Wait a minute... Sally! I think Robotnick cut off his muschace and drank a lotta Slim-Fast! [Sally wanders onscreen with a Metallica shirt and a beer. Mike frowns in annoyance.] SALLY: no, it can't be. robotnick is a better designer of robots. :o BOTS: HEY! MIKE: No, we're actually from a different universe. We contacted you because the bots wanted to ask you a couple of questions. SONIC: Go ahed. TOM: Okay, numero uno: why the constant annoying references to Earth? SONIC: Hey, we sed that it was FURRY Beavis and Butthead! TOM: So? That's only one of many. You didn't bother to convert the Mountain Dew (okay, you mis-spelled it) or the Green Day stuff! [Antione does an air guitar in the background. He falls off the couch.] SONIC: Huh. Good point. It's a... uh... future Earth! TOM: And the products lasted for that long? And musical tastes didn't get better? Dream on. MIKE: And how come Robotnik knows the location of your base, but he doesn't send an army or something to take care of the problem? He had nuclear weapons in Mecha Madness. SALLY: he did! he sent a 10000000 or whatever of them! :) TOM: Which, by the way, Sonic wouldn't have been able to destroy that quickly anyway. And if Robotnik COULD build that many, he could certainly build a BILLION, which I doubt Sonic could defeat! SALLY: hey, you're starting to make my head hurt. :( CROW: Okay, this'll be the last one: how can you and Sally, uh, 'significantly relate' to each other if you don't have any of the organs used for reproduction? MIKE: Crow! CROW: It needed to be asked! [Sonic thinks about this. He glances down in surprise.] SONIC: HEY! WHERE'D IT GO!? TOM: That is wrong for SO many reasons. [The fan fic light goes off.] > [[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] > Sonic was at the Tv station fighting > bots that were jumping off the antenna. TOM & CROW: HEY! LEAVE THE BOTS ALONE! > Tank-bot attacked towards sonic. > Sonic jumped flipped and spun in the air > but tank bot was too fast. MIKE: Tank bot killed Sonic. Robotnik took over forever. The End. TOM: And you accuse US of being dark. > Just then sonic ran up the wall and > tank bot hit the wall. SOnic laughted at the > funniness of this. CROW: I have this strange feeling that Furry Beavis and Butthead weren't the only ones getting high. TOM: You mean because Sonic actually found something funny about that? CROW: No, I mean because the author thought we would like this garbage. > Then he went into the tv station Robotnick > was there doing the robotnik show TOM (Geraldo): Today on Robotnik: crap and the writers who write it. > "Dooo doo doo this is tnhe robotnick show > we will be pack arfter the messages > doo doo doo BUY KEN PENDERS now > back to the show doo do doo its the robotnick > show our guest today is "SONIC?????????? > ??????????????????????????????" TOM: Bwa wa waaaa.... > "Yes" said Sonic MIKE: THAT was certainly a clever line worthy of the blue dude with the 'tude. CROW: I wish I could think of the witty lines that Sonic does! > Sonic fought snively first. TOM: But I thought Robotnik wasn't letting Snively participate anymore! MIKE: Well, Packbell screwed up too, so I guess Robotnik let Snively in. TOM: Maybe that whole thing was part of a fiendish master plan to confuse the heroes! CROW: You're following the story that closely? No wonder your head's been exploding! > Armed with a laser gun snively shot at > sonic but sonic beat him good. TOM: Woah. Descriptive. > Next was packbell. He shot rockets at > sonic but sonic jumped out of the way > and kicked him down anyways. THen > Robotnick hit the button. - BWOOSH! - TOM: It's not over, Cambot. [We fade back in.] CROW: Sorry, Cambot. We want to get out of here as much as you do. > The lasers were aimed at the blue blur. They > would kill him and his friends! What will happen > next! Stay tuned for PART 2! [Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling.] MIKE: YES! YES! YES! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! [They run out of the theater.] > Just kidding but sirousley tit's time fro a > commerical brake. CROW: Aw, terrific. Now the jerk tricked *us.* [They move back inside.] > Wheel be right back (I hope) > COmmercial > Ken: Hello this is ken penders i hate sonic > because i draw his comics. I really suck MIKE: You know what the latest word from Paula Jones is? TOM: What? MIKE: She says the pants were down, but she didn't inhale! TOM: [laughs.] CROW: You know, I'D get in trouble for a crack like that. MIKE: Rank and priviliges and all that, Crow. > why dont i just kill sally BANG she died now TOM: They killed a main character! ALL: HOORAY! CROW: Get Sonic, Ken! End the fanfic! > i'll do a crossover of sonic and mR rogers ha > ha ha ha ha i am evil. TOM: I think somebody has some issues to work out here.... > No back to the show, MIKE: No, I wouldn't want to go back to the show! > Sonic escaped a stickey situaton CROW: Involving two ducks, a whip, and-- MIKE: Don't even! > but there was more in store for our hero. > RObotnick produced a bomb from his > sleave. "Ha ha ha" said he. > Sonic kicked robotnick knocking him out > the window. TOM: How would he fit? CROW: It was a BIG window. > The lardish doctor fell 5000 story's to his > death. CROW: FIVE *THOUSAND* STORIES?! KILL ME NOW! KILL ME NOW! MIKE: He means *building* stories, Crow! Building stories! > But as Tails later noted he was not really > dead. TOM: He was simply hung over! CROW (Robotnik): Man... what a party.... > Sonic ran out of the building just in time. The bombs > fuse ended and.... SNAP CRACKLE POP! THE > BOMB EXPLODES!!!! CROW: THE TENSES CHANGE! MIKE: And the shrapnel from the falling building tore Sonic to shreds. The End. TOM: Does that make Robotnik a... cereal killer? MIKE: [Rimshot.] TOM: Thank you! I'll be here all night! > There goes our tv shows said sonc MIKE (Sonic): Curse those Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers! They took all our viewers! > [[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]] > Sonic and friends had to blow up the robotik crystal > mine. [All stare for a moment and scratch their heads.] > "Y'all." said Bunny "these is soem weird crystals > some of em are blue and some of em are red and > some of em are green and some of em are purple > and some of em are MIKE: Chartruse! TOM: Macintosh gray! CROW: Neon pink! > yellow. ALL: Oh. > Some are squaree, otrhers are triangle. TOM: NO ONE will be omitted during the crystal description scene! > Heck all y'all some of em arent even crystals at all!" > Just then they all gasped in horror. The biggest bot in > the world suddenly appeared with its guns aimed at > the freedom fighters. CROW: Hey, it's Marv, from the Bot Convention last year! TOM: Hey, you're right! Get 'em, Marv! > "Nooooo!" CROW (Darth Vader): Search your feelings! You know it to be true! > Antoinee quipped "Ze bot es BEEEEG!" ALL: Forget THEM. GET THE AUTHOR! > SOnic and Sally attacked the bot. The > bot blew up taking the mine with it. TOM & CROW: MARV! NOOOOO! MIKE: I'm really sorry, guys. TOM (sobbing): He was like a *brother* to me! > [[[[[[[]]]]]] > Robotnik was watching this on camera. > "That hedgehog is a walking contradiction" he said. > Snively said nothing, neither did packbell andthen > They all sing "Walking Contradiction" by Greenday [Tom's been ducking his head into the box for a while now. This time, however, he isn't quick enough. The head shoots into the air and slams Crow on the head.] CROW: OW! TOM (sheepish): Sorry, Crow. > [[[[[[[[[[5 years later]]]]]]]]]]]]]] TOM: This story will still SUCK! > It was the last battle with robotnick. All of mobiuses MIKE: 'Mobiuses?' CROW: Sure! You didn't know there were more than one of them? There's one for David Gonterman, whoever he is, one for the videogames, one for each television show, one for every fanboy who wants to create a new character.... MIKE: I sense deep hurting in our future. TOM: No, Mike, that'll be the Sailor Moon stuff. This is simply a warm-up. > freedom fighters had gathered at Kothole > to discuss the plan. "Here is the plan" said > Princess Sally TOM: We sneak around here, go over to here, then run up here, dash into here, blow up this here, then escape here. MIKE: We're gonna kill the author and replace him with someone who can write. CROW: We're gonna join a frat and get drunk and laid! > "We sneek TOM (Ren): Steempy, you eediot! > into Robotropolis and sonic you fight the > bots while we blow up the death egg" MIKE (Sonic): Uh, hold on, lemme write this down.... > Sonic walked thrugh the woods with sally. "Umm > sall what about that cybersex" [Crow's head begins spinning.] MIKE & TOM: Fight it, Crow! Fight it! > [[[[[disco music]]]]]] [Crow's head falls off. He picks it up and screws it back on.] > bow-bow-chicka-bow-wowp-chika-chika-bow-bow CROW (still recovering): Hey, it's the soundtrack to Striptease! MIKE: How would you know?! > Tails: Funky! (dances) disco fever! (sees sonic > and sally) OoOopS!!! sorry CROW (Sonic): We're about to go on a major and dangerous raid! Let's have sex out in the open! > The troupe arrived at robotopobis. They stormed the > death egg. > It was and exciting battle but the freedom fighters > won in the end. TOM: That was certainly epic. MIKE: Don't complain. This means we get to read less of the story. > Back at Knothole celebration was in order. They > discussed how to fix the TV station TOM: Duct tape. Lots and lots of duct tape. > and antoinne danced and Chis Petrucii sang > the song of the Death Egg battle > Sonic was on a mission dark MIKE: So bad it made poor Tom's head spark! > to defeat the evil doctor > but he beat him TOM: I prefer my eggmen over-medium, myself. CROW: His name's Robotnik. TOM: Eggman! CROW: Robotnik! TOM: Eggman! MIKE: Relax, guys. > like he did CROW: This story was written by an immature kid! > and no one was asunder TOM: This writer's fanfic archives I'LL never plunder! CROW: That was kind of weak. > thunderrr... MIKE: Small wonder. > SONIC! SUPER SONIC! > he is the hero of our day CROW: So I say to you: Bite me-ay! TOM: Now THAT was weak. >SONIC! SUPER SONIC! > let's all say hooray ALL (dully): Hooray. > lats all say hooray ALL (dully): Hooray. > Bookshire wept at the heartstrung plucking of > the guitar. TOM (Bookshire): If only this &@#$ed story would END! > Tails made up with sally and gave her a hug. > Everything was A-OK. Just then 50 million > missels, a million swat bots and the entre robo > brigade were attacking Knothole. RObotnick > showed up, holding the off button. Only he had > the power TOM (singing): I'VE GOT THE POWER!! (power!) (power!) > to stop the attack. Sonic put on his cybersuit. CROW: Which he pulled right out of a plot hole. > Robotnik walked into rotors invention hut sonic > followed behind him. they were both in the hut > sonic attacked with fists of fury! POW! BANG! > SHABOOM! BOOM! KABLAMO! MIKE: IT'S A BATMAN CROSSOVER! EVERYBODY DOWN! > [[[[[[]]]]]]]] > [][][][][][][] > "I hope you had the time of your liiiiiiiiife" sang > Greenday. TOM: How depressing. I actually like that song. MIKE: But... who won? TOM: Who cares? > THE END [Wild cheering.] > Hope you liked my story! Sorry about any > spelling errors. TOM: We forgive ya for that AND the weird ending, 'cause we are OUTTA HERE!!!!! [They parade out of the theater.] MIKE: So, what did you think, guys? TOM: That had to be the worst Sonic story I ever read, Mike! CROW: I think that one topped that one Star Wars story where Han got it on with Chewbacca! TOM: Hey, I think we should be thankful it wasn't any worse. I mean, I hear there's actual Sonic the Hedgehog PORNOGRAPHY on the web! MIKE (horrified): No! CROW: Yes! That's why we've got to destroy whatever demonic source is creating these! MIKE: But how? TOM: We were just going to infect the entire Internet with a virus and bring it down. MIKE: You can't take the entire thing down! It does a lot of good! CROW: Like what? MIKE: Like message boards, and chat rooms, and-- [The words 'advertisement' appears at the bottom of the screen.] MIKE: Hilarious collections of our wacky adventures catalogued by ours fan all over the world! It provides a place for people everywhere to get together! Not only that, but some of our fans like to do MiSTs of their own, which you can find at http: pinky.wtower.com/mst3k! Oh, yeah, and there are GOOD fan fic authors out there too! [The 'advertisement' sign disappears.] TOM: But we're not gonna get to read any! MIKE: Oh, I don't know about that. Hey, Dr. F, how about some decent stuff for a change? I think we've earned it, y'know? DR. F: You're right, Nelson. I am deeply touched. But hey! Don't worry! SonicFan will have to improve SOME day, right? CROW: You mean.... DR. F: That's right, fools! SONICFAN IS AS PROLIFIC AS *TOMORROW'S* AUTHOR!! MIKE: Who's that? DR. F: Some guy named Stephen Ratliff. Enjoy! Frank? Push the button. - BWOOSH! - MIKE: Which virus? MiSTing by Hack Emery Disclaimers: Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a copyright of Best Brains, Inc. Sonic and all related characters are copyrighted by Sega. I am not attempting to infringe upon any copyrights or trademarks. Nor is this MiSTing a personal attack on SonicFan. All disparaging remarks made about him in this post are made for entertainment purposes only, meant in jest, and not intended to cause him any personal psychic trauma. This disclaimr was stolen from David Hines, who is my MiSTing hero. 'Sonic was in his hut drinking a Mountian Due and watching TV. Furry Beavis and Butthead was on.'