"Sonic Times 4 Equales Trouble"
Originally by Pål Martin Kjærsdalen
MSTed by RJ Bachler
Proofread by Lynxara [Thanks once again!]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and situations are
trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.  (c) 1998.  All rights reserved.

Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters and situations are trademarks
of Service Games Inc. (SEGA) (c) 1998.

"Sonic Times 4 Equals Trouble" belongs in the garbage, but it also belongs
to Pål Martin Kjærsdalen. He is more than welcome to it.

Mini-Note: I'm not one to notice what happens in the host segments of a 
MiSTing and what date said MiSTing comes out. Hence the Super Bowl in 
Summer thing with mine. If it ain't your cup of tea, then ignore the 
segments and go read the actual MiSTing.

Hey, MiSTing #102! Whee!

Quote for the MiSTing:
"If you were constantly happy, you wouldn't be human. You'd be a game show
host."

Turn down your lights. (Aw, screw it and just turn them off.)

(Cue theme)

In the not too distant future,
Way down in Deep Thirteen.
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank
Are hatching an evil scheme.

They got a guy by the name of Mike,
Because good ol' Joel took a hike.
They'll find the worst stuff ever made,
And send them up to Mike until they are completely obeyed!

(Mike: WHY ME?!?)

"We'll send him cheesy movies,
And the worst fanfics we can find! (La-la-la)
He'll have to sit and go though them all,
And we'll monitor his mind!" (La-la-la)

Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Where this crap begin or end. (La-la-la)
He'll try and survive it all
With the help of his robot friends!

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT!  ("Extreme close-up!")
GYPSY!  ("Richard Basehart?")
TOM SERVO!  ("Inarticulate arms my butt!")
CROOOOOOOW!  ("Bite me, it's fun!")

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts. (La-la-la)
Just chill out, it's just a MiSTing,
You really should just relax.

For Mystery Science Theater 3001!" (Twang!)

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, dog bone]

Satellite of Love, 1200 hrs.

[The SoL's bridge is... empty? Cambot scans left, then right, but no one is
there. Suddenly, wild cheering comes from the direction of the Holocabana.
Cambot blips out for a second, then comes back on right in the Holocabana.
But before we can see what is going on, something that vaguely resembles a
bowling pin that's been painted dark blue and orange jumps right in front of
Cambot's lens.]

Crow: WOO YEA! GO BRONCOS!!
Tom: Will you sit down!

[As Crow removes himself from the field of vision, we can see that the
Holocabana has been converted into a living room with a VERY large screen TV
and enough junk food to give a whale a heart attack. The perfect place to
watch the glorious spectacular that only comes once a year: The Super Bowl.
Tom has an Atlanta Falcons jersey on. Crow, on the other hand, is completely
covered in dark blue and orange paint.]

Crow: Hey, I'm just supporting the home team.
Tom: Home team? Crow, you don't live in Denver. Hell, you weren't even born
on Earth!
Crow: Okay, I'm supporting the team that I've got three hundred bucks on.
Happy?
Tom: I *WILL* be after you wash all that off. [Notices Cambot] Oh, hi, and
welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Tom Servo, and this is "Bronco Boy."
Crow: Hey!
Tom: Anyway, we're set up to watch the pinnacle of the football season.
Crow: THE SUPERBOWL!!!
Tom: [To Crow] Thanks for blowing out my hearing. [Aloud] We have figured
out one advantage to being trapped in space: Free satellite TV.
Crow: There's nothing like getting the same program in fifty different
languages.

[Mike comes in, wearing Viking horns and a Viking jersey over his jumpsuit.]

Mike: Hey, did I miss anything yet?
Crow: We were just about to start. [To Tom] Should we tell him?
Tom: Naw, he'll figure it out. [Aloud] Hey, turn on the TV while your up.

[Mike flips on the tube and sets the volume to just above the 'Space Shuttle
Lift-off' setting. He sits right in-between the bots.]

TV: THIS IS FOX. IT'S FIFTY-TWO HOURS, TWENTY-SEVEN MINUTES, AND
FOURTY-THREE POINT EIGHT SECONDS UNTIL THE START OF SUPER BOWL XXXIII.
THIS IS YOUR PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-
PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-
PRE-GAME SHOW.

All: WHOO-HOO!
Magic Voice: Oh boys, we commercial sign...
Tom: I'm not getting up.
Crow: Same here.
Mike: Don't worry, I've got it covered. [Whips out a huge remote] Presenting
this week's Invention Exchange!
Crow: What is it? What does it do?
Mike: You'll see. [Hits a button.]

[MST3K commercial bumper]

The Gopher! More annoying than Elmo, more expensive that most Beanie Babies,
and rarer that a Furby! Your kids will be screaming for one! Coming out
Christmas. (Yea, we know it's only January, but we're giving you a nice, long
warning.)

SoL

[Mike is crying, with the bots trying to calm him down.]

Tom: Don't worry, Mike... There's always next year...
Mike: [stops crying] But why not this year? *Sob*
Crow: Because they suck... [Mike starts crying again...]
Tom: That was *SMART.*
Crow: I mean if they made it this year, the Broncos would have crushed
them... They were saved from a humiliating defeat in front of BILLIONS!
Mike: [dejectedly] I guess so...
Crow: So lets watch them trounce all over the Falcons!
Tom: Yea, lets watch them trounce... HEY!
Crow: [Chuckles]
Magic Voice: Sorry to interrupt, BUUUUUUUUUT...
Tom: Oh no...
Magic Voice: The Mads are calling a time out.
Crow: But I'll lose my seat!
Mike: Don't worry about it. [He hits another button on the remote, cutting
off the show...]
Crow: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[...And brings up Deep Thirteen.]
Crow: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Deep 13

[Doctor Forrester and TV's Frank are looking over a sheet of paper. Sounds of
a party are in the background.]

Dr F: Are you *SURE* you want *THAT* for the pool?
Frank: I'm positive, Steve.
Dr F: Ooookay. [Writes down something.] You're in.
Frank: Yea!

[Forrester looks up at the view screen and gives it a odd look.]

Dr F: When did you re-decorate the bridge?

SoL

Mike: We're in the Holocabana.
Crow: GO BRONCOS!!!!!!!!!
Tom: What's with putting our extravaganza on hold? And what's going on there?

Deep 13

Dr F: That's the annual company Super Bowl party. And as for the stop on
yours... You know: Baneful doctor, evil experiment, and a brand new fic.
But first, Invention Exchange!

SoL

Mike: [Holds up remote] We have invented the UNIVERSAL universal remote!
This can control anything electronic! Just watch.

[Mike points the remote at Crow and hits a button. Crow automatically jumps
up and begins to sing.]

Crow: [Singing] I'm a little teapot, short and stout... The hell?

[Mike points the remote at Tom and hits a different button. Tom begins to
percolate like an old coffeepot. He stops after a minute.]

Tom: So, THAT is what a cappuccino machine feels like!

Deep 13

Dr F: Ain't that nice... Another thing to lose in your couch. Since you
showed me yours, I'll show you mine... Frank, wheel 'er in!

[Frank brings in a TV and a small metal box that's hooked up to a mini-
dish.]

Dr F: The Jerry Springer-izer! It'll take anything that's on TV and turn
it into a Springer episode! A few demos...

[Frank tunes the TV to "Drew Carey", where Drew and Mimi are fighting again.]

Mimi: I have one thing to say, pig!
Drew: What, that you're actually a living Picasso?

[Forrester turns on the Springer-izer.]

Mimi: No, I'm really a guy.
Drew: No surprise.

Dr F: Video Games!

[Street Fighter comes up, but with Ryu and Ken hitting each other with
chairs, until some of Jerry's security makes them stop.]

Dr F: Even Cartoons!

[A random episode of "Sailor Moon" comes on.]

Usagi: I'm sorry, Mamo-chan... But I'm leaving you...
Mamoru: What?!?
Usagi: ... For Rei.

[Usagi and Rei start to kiss passionately, just as the TV is shut off.]

Dr F: Any questions?

SoL

Crow: Yea, could you go back to Sailor Moon for a second?
Mike: Crow!

Deep 13

Dr F: [holds up a printout] No, but I'm going to send a new fic. A story
by... [Reads off the paper, slowly] Pål Martin Kjærsdalen... [normal]
called "Sonic Times 4 Equales Trouble." And yes, that *IS* how the title is
spelled.

SoL

Tom: Gah! He misspelled the TITLE?
Mike: Oh that's bad...

Deep 13

Dr F: Have four times the fun, four times the pain, and you have fourteen
seconds to make it into the theater before the oxygen is cut off. Frank!
Send the fic.

SoL

[Klaxons go off.]

Crow: Just when the Pre-pre-pre-pre-pre...
Mike: Shut up and run. WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!

[Mike and the bots bolt for the theater so fast, the door sequence goes by in
a blur.]

[Bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Mike and the bots take their normal seat, though now
out of breath.]

Crow: [exhausted] We had... a quarter... of a second... left.

> "Sonic Times 4 Equales

Tom: Something that we don't want to read.

> Trouble"

Tom: Eh, same thing.

> Part 1

Mike: Us: 0.

> by Pål Martin Kjærsdalen

Crow: As fun to say as it is to spell!
Tom: Let's have fun with the character map!

>
> This story contains characters created by SEGA and Archie Comic
> Publications, Inc.

Mike: Really?  How many?
Crow: [makes crunching noises] Mmm, you can actually taste the characters!

>
> You are fre to

Tom: [singing] I'm fre to do wha I wan, any old tim.

> distribute this .TXT file, as long as it's contents has not been altered
> and it's
> done free of charge , and anyone who wants a copy shall have one for free.

Crow: You just said that!
Tom: Geez, when the author gets redundant in the intro, you know it's bad.

>
> I'm not responsible if this story affects you, anyone or anything in a bad
> or negative way.

Crow: So we CAN'T blame the author this time?
Mike: Nope.

>
> If you want to contact me my E-mail adress is: kjaersdalen@vf.telia.no

All: TELIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>
> And, not to forget: Thanks to Kedzie K for helping me out when I was
> confused.

Tom: Didn't help much...
Mike: Can he help us?
Crow: Doubt it.

>
> Right!.... On with it:
>

Mike: Lets not and say we did.

>
>
> Deep, deep under the soil the Guardian awoke. Something disturbed him.

Tom: That bean burrito he had last night...
Crow: [Guardian] Oh, great, another bad fic.

> He felt paths between the
> Realms being opened.

Crow: [traffic reporter] The paths between the realms are finally open after
six months of road construction...

> It could not be..... The time was not quite yet.

Mike: Well, if it isn't supposed to happen, then let's end this, shall we?
Tom: How much longer until yet?

> Either something bad was
> to happen, or it was false alarm.

Mike: This sounds like...
Tom: It couldn't be...
Crow: Oh my God, IT'S A THINKER FIC!!!

> But it worried him, he felt two paths being opened at once,
> one to Mobius, one from Mobius.

Crow: And traffic's jammed on both.

> It had to be stopped,

Tom: You're gonna stop this? HUZZAH!
Mike: I don't think he meant the story.

> this Realm was not ready....
>

Mike: And neither are we.

>
>
> Deep inside a hidden palace, another guardian was busy.

Crow: [Guardian 2] Finally, the new Hustler!
Tom: [Mr. Miagi] Wax on, wax off.  Wax on, wax off.

> He had put the Chaos Emeralds around an
> ancient mirror, charging their power through it.

Crow: [Guardian 2] If this doesn't save on my electric bill, nothing will.

> He froze when he saw a certain hedgehog in it.
>
> "What you be doing?!

Mike: [gansta] I just be hangin' with my homies on the westside... Crow,
represent.
Crow: Word.

> Get out of here..... Uhm There.... Here, there,

Tom: Where is he?
Mike: Here.
Crow: There.
Tom: Uh, oooooookay.  Can I just let my head explode now?

> whatever, just go away!"

Crow: Hey, whatever you say! [Gets up]
Mike: You know the rules: I stay, you stay.

>
> The hedgehog stepped out of the mirror.
>
> "I dunno how you got in there, I don't wanna know, just get outa here!"

Crow: I want to, but SOMEONE won't let me...
Mike: Hey, I don't only make the rules, I enforce them.
Crow: Well, in that ca... Wait a minute...

>
> The hedgehog stared at him.

Tom: Hey that gives me an idea.  Crow, want to have a staring contest?
Crow: Sure, why not.
[The bots stare at each other.]
Mike: You two can't have a staring contest...
Bots: Why not?
Mike: Crow, you don't have eyelids, and Tom, you don't even have eyes!
Crow: That's right!
Tom: What was I thinking...

>
> "What has happened to you? Your colors are all mixed up!"

Tom: [fashion designer] Don't you know that mauve clashes with yellow?

>
> Knuckles looked even angryer.

Mike: What kind of emotion is 'angryer?'
Tom: According to Freud, 'angryer' is how someone feels after they find out
they have a bad spell-checker.

>
> "Harr! Harr! Ver' funny! You say I'm mixed up, you oughta take a look
> at yourself. Your colors
> are all oposite of what they sould be!"

Tom: Sort of, like when someone hits the inverse color button in PhotoShop.

>
> The hedgehog turned to the mirror and took a look at himself.

Mike: [hedgehog] Am I a stud or what?

> Orange
> quills, white nose, green
> sneakers with black stripes.

Crow: Now there's a color scheme that'll turn your stomach...

>
> "No, all is quite normal.

Tom: We're in the theater, reading a bad fic. We're just waiting for Crow
to make an off-color comment, and it will be normal.

> What are you doing here anyway?"
> Knuckles looked confused.

Mike: We're just confused.
Tom: No, only you're confused Mike. Crow and I are completely baffled.

>
> "I don't think you be the guy I think you be."

Crow: I see, the Floating Island is somewhere in south central LA.

>
> "I am Sonic. You are Knuckles, right?"

Tom: No, me Tarzan, you Jane.

>
> Knuckles nodded.

Mike: And by some freak act of God, his neck snapped...
Tom: My, are we just a tad dark today?

>
> "Question is, are you the Knuckles I think you are?"

Tom: Are we playing some twisted version of 'Jeopardy' now?
Mike: [Alex Trabek] Oh, I'm sorry... But the correct question was "You be
the Knuckles I think you be?"

>
> Knuckles thought a while.

Crow: Several years later...

>
> "Whataya mean?"
>
> "You are not... This is another Realm.... Fool!

Mike: Typing... Like Kirk...
Tom: [Mr. T] I pity the fool who comes from this realm!

> The time is not yet!"

Crow: [Automatic operator] At the tone, the time will be a quarter to yet.
Beep.

>
> One spin dash later Knuckles lay motionless on the floor.
>

Mike: Knuckles sure can't hold his liquor.
Tom: What's in a 'spin dash' anyway?
Mike: Whiskey and a whole lot of blue stuff.

>
>
>
> The Guardian arose. He had felt beings transporting to his Realm, to
> Mobius.

Mike: Beam them up, Scotty.

> He sensed presence
> of evil.

Crow: Forrester's on Mobius!  Run for your lives!

> He had to take action.

Tom: Because he didn't want to act.
Crow: Did he take action to dinner and a movie?

> The Mobians and the beings was not to make contact,
> that could
> be catastrophic.
>

Tom: Yea, someone could write a bad fanfic about... Oops, too late.

>
>
>
> "Sonic! There have been sightings of wierd lights out on the ocean, let's
> go check it out!"

Mike: [Sonic] Tails, have you been hitting the ganja again?

>
> Tails was as usual right behind Sonic.

[Crow opens his beak.]
Mike: No, Crow...
Crow: I was gonna say: 'Is he attached to a tow line?'
Tom: Suuuure you were.

>
> "Sorry, big guy. Promissed Sally...."

Mike: [Pro] Yea, Pro missed Sally.  But me get her next time!

>
> "It's always Sally, isn't it?

Crow: [Tails] Why can't I be your 'love muffin?'
Mike: That was an image we did not need, Crow...

> The only time I spend with you is trying to keep up with while your
> running here and there!"

All: [singing] Here momma, there momma...

>
> Tails was a little upset.

Tom: [Pissed-off Tails] YOU MOTHA-F***ER!  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH AN
A***OLE!  I HOPE YOU EAT S**T AND DIE, YOU PR**K!
Mike: No swearing!

>
> "C'mon, that's not true.

Crow: [Sonic] I'm not a pr**k!

> We do lots o'things together. We're buds!"
>
> "Yeah, right! Like what?"

Crow: [Sonic] Remember the 'Rodeo' last week?
Tom: Just how many sexual remarks are you gonna make?
Crow: As many as I can!

>
> "Well... Uhm.. Err.."

Mike: [Sonic] Uhh, here, have a dollar.

>
> Tails was right. Sonic hadn't spent that much time with him lately.

Tom: And the cops came and arrested him for child neglect.

>
> "Tell you what, big guy. Let's go grab a chillidog or two!"

Mike: [Sonic] Oops... forgot my wallet. Your gonna have to pay.

>
> And so they did.
>

Crow: My, this is so gripping.

>
>
>

Tom: In case you didn't know, this indicates a scene change.
Mike: Well, duh.

>
> Suddenly a hedgehog ran down the door to the chillidog place (as Sonic
> called it).

Crow: Others just called it the bathroom.

> She pointed a
> gun at Sonic.

Mike: No reason, just wanted to.
Crow Is she gonna shoot him?  Please say she's gonna shoot him. If he's dead,
then we're out of here!
Tom: [Chanting] Pull the trigger, kill the hedgehog. Pull the trigger, kill
the hedgehog.

>
> "OK blueboy, you're commin' with me!"
>
> "NEGATIVE! SONIC HEDGEHOG IS DESIRED BY IVO ROBOTNIK!"

[All grip their seats while the theater shakes.]
Tom: The caps lock is on!  Turn it off, TURN IT OFF!

>
> An Eggbot had made its own door at the other side of the building.

Crow: [Bob Vila] Now we're going to sand it down until it's level, and
charge 8,000 bucks for it!

>
> "Aw man!"

Mike: Cool, dude.
Tom: Smooth, stud.
Crow: Shimatta, bro.

>
> As the sentence was finished the Eggbot was shattered.

Crow: The Eggbot was sentenced to death by dropping...
Tom: Oh man, I am *not* cleaning that up.

> Sonic turned to find the gun pointing at
> his nose.

Mike: Now that's taking the term 'blow your nose' just a tad too far.

>
> "Yer not the only quickie 'round"

Crow: [Sonic] Well, according to Sally...
Mike: CROW!

>
> The female hedgehog grinned.
>
> "Now move it!"

Crow: [Col. Klink] Move it!  Snell! Das boot or it'll be the cooler for
you!

>
> "Hi'a babs!

Tom: [Babs Bunny] Hi, Buster!
Crow: Wrong show.

> Never seen you 'round!"
>
> She looked at the owner of the voice. Some redneck porchupine stood
> there drooling at her.

Tom: [dumb] Huh, huh... Breasts.
Mike: Now that's just gross.

> When
> she turned back to Sonic, he held the gun.

Tom: Now there's something you know you're gonna see on 'America's Dumbest
Crooks.'
Crow: Not too smart to have your gun taken right from your hand.

>
> "You better have a major excuse for cuttin' in on my quality time with my
> bud'!"
>

Mike: [female hedgehog] Well, I wanted to shoot you... Duh.

>
>
>
>
> "I'll ask again! Who are you ?"

Tom: I am me, she is she, and we are everybody!

>
> "Find out yourselves!"
>
> Sonic was tapping his foot.

Mike: [Snapping fingers in time with tapping.] He's got a good beat going.

> He hated waiting. Sally got Nicole.
>
> "Very well. Nicole, scan subject and search for ID."

Mike: Wouldn't it be easier just to get her wallet?
Crow: Then we wouldn't have all this boring filler!

>
> "ALTERING DATABANKS. THIS MAY TAKE A WHILE. PLEAS WAIT."

Tom: Pål is a firm believer that the letter "E" shouldn't be the most widely
used letter in the English language.
Crow: I am too.  Isn't that right, Mik?

>
>Time slowly passed while Nicole searched.

Crow: What, is she searching 'Geocities?'
Mike: [Sonic, mid-forties] Isn't she done yet?  I'm going through my second
childhood!

>
> "SUBJECT NOT FOUND IN DATABANKS. DO YOU WANT TO ALTER
>NONE-MOBOTROPOLIS DATABANKS?"

Tom: [Sally] Only if it'll fill about ten lines...

>
> "Yes.."
>
> "CONNECTING, PLEASE WAIT. SEARCHING."

Crow: We really need a 56k modem for this.
Tom: Well, SOMEONE'S too cheap to shell out the cash...
[Bots glare at Mike.]

>
> Even more time passed.

Tom: See what happens when you use AOL...
Mike: [Sonic, now in his late eighties] Sally?  Is she done yet?  And where
are my teeth?

>
> "SUBJECT FOUND. SUBJECT IS RYTASA EHUD. BOUNTY-HUNTER.

Mike: And probably a self-insertion.

> 20 YEARS OLD.
> LAST SPOTTED: FLOATING
> ISLAND"

Tom: And the author forgot to mention that he owns her, thus making her free
for the taking!
Mike: Ah, the joys of legal loopholes...

>
> "So, there you have it!"

Crow: The perfect recipe for raisin nut cookies!

>
> Sally smiled.

Crow: Hey, she liked my riff!
Tom: No she didn't, fanboy.

>
> "What would she want me for? I can't think of anything as stupid as a reward
> for me..."
>
> Sonic didn't look like he was following, and he wasn't.

Mike: So? Neither are we.

>
> "OK, OK. Ye'll probably find out anyway.... This orange guy, looks like
> you, at the Floatin'
> Isle' described you. Said you was a threat for his life.

Crow: Since he WAS a threat, then why are you trying to shoot him? It doesn't
make sense...
Tom: You're expecting something to make sense?!?

> Wanted me to bring
> you to him, alive."
>
> "Orange guy?"

Mike: Sonic has some gambling debt to that Kool-Aid guy.

>
> Sonic and Sally looked at each other.

Crow: [Sally] Forget the story, let's screw.

>
> " Why would he be scared o' me? Ah'm only dangerous to bad guys!"

Tom: So every now talks just like Bunnie?
Crow: [Bunnie] Ah believe that ah'm goin' ta get sick o' that real soon,
sugah.

>
> "Yeah, I guess. I've told you everythin'. Can I come out of this goddamn
> cage now?"

Tom: They're going to keep you in there and make you dance... Just like at
a rave!
Mike: [Dirty old man] Now dance for me, my pretty, dance!
Crow: AND YOU SAY I'M ECCHI!

>
> "I don't think you know who your talkin' to.."

Crow: And I don't know who's talking, so we're even.

>
> Sonic's smile was rather cheeky.

All: [singing] Cheeky monkey!  Cheeky monkey!

>
> "You're right! And I don't care!"

Mike: [melodramatic] But... If you don't care, then what about the children?
Tom: Mike, you starting to creep me out.

>
> "I'm Sonic, you know, the hedgehog."

Crow: And I'm Crow, you know, the robot.

>
> "Yeah right!.... Wait!... Don't leave..... Leme outa here!"
>

Mike: [Sonic] Let you out of this fic? NEVER!

>
>
>
> Tails looked at the trashed Eggbot. It was strange. He hadn't seen an
> Eggbot since.... He didn't
> even remember.

Tom: Seeing weird lights, mood swings, and now memory loss. This confirms
it: Tails is on some kind of drug.

> What was even stranger was that the Eggbot had named Robotnik. Robotnik
> was dead!

Crow: At least he was, until Marvel bought out Archie and implemented their
usual 'resurrection protocol.'

> And when Robotnik didn't give the Eggbots orders, they would act independent.
>

Tom: Freedom to all bots!  [Braveheart] FREEDOM!

>
>
>
> Deep in the ocean a great evil had planted itself. It had only been a few
> days, but the evil had
> grovn and prosphered.

Crow: So that's where Bill Gates lives!

> Soon it would be ready. It would be invincible. And
> it would be able to
> take revenge upon it's arch enemy.
>

Tom: [Bill Gates] Netscape, I curse thee!
Mike: Guys, it ain't Bill Gates...

>
>
>
> "Odd! It should've been right here!"

Tom: What, the plot?  You're never gonna find it.
Crow: Plot? Plot is nowhere in my dictionary.

>
> Tails could not understand. Beneath him Sonic hung by his arms.

Mike: [Tails] Too bad it isn't by his neck...
Tom: Somebody's dark today, aren't they?
Crow: What's hard to understand: Sonic has a hold of your arms, gravity is
still consistent, thus: He is hanging.

>
> "It's here alright. But not where it should be!"
>
> "Waddaya mean?"

Tom: [Sonic] It's here, but it's not HERE here...

>
> "Look down!"

Mike: [to Crow] Hey Crow, look down... [Points right below Crow.]
Crow: [Looks down] What? [Mike flicks his finger up across crow's nose.]
Crow: That is so childish.
Mike: And you fell for it.

>
> It was the Floating Island alright. Only it sat on the surface of the
> ocean like any other island.
>
> "Man! What's that crazy echidna up to this time? Oki T2, let's ask him."
>

Crow: [Terminator] I'll be back.
Tom: Let's hope not

>
>
>
>
> Knuckles was not to be found.

Tom: Damn.

> In fact he had been missing for several days.

Mike: He has? [To Tom] Hey, hand me that milk carton next to your seat.
Tom: What milk carton? [Looks next to his seat.] Oh, THAT carton...
[Tom somehow hands the carton to Mike.  On the back is a picture of Knuckles
with "Have you seen me?" underneath.]
Mike: Huh, guess he has.

>
> "Excuse me?" Sonic looked like he had gotten an idea.

Crow: I KNEW I smelt something burning!

>
> "Anyone' cared to look in the Hidden Palace? I didn't think so!"
>
>
> Seconds later Sonic entered the palace.
>
> "Knux?! What've happened to you?!"

Mike: [Knuckles] Man, I got caught in this bad fic...

>
> Sonic dashed over and checked Knuckles' puls.

Tom: Hey, a new Pokémon!

>
> "'Ll be back in a flash! Don't go anywhere! Hehe!"
>
>
> Sonic returned with a bucked of water, and emptied it in Knuckles face.
>
> "Blub! Gurgle! Wha-What happened?"

Crow: Apparently, there's this guardian...
Mike: We do NOT need a full recap.
Tom: Nor do we want one.

>
> Knuckles sat up, shaking his head.
>
> "I dunno! I was kinda' hopin' you'd know that.."
>
> When Knuckles saw Sonic he jumped on his feet and raised his knuckles
> against him.
>
> "YOU! I'll...."

Mike: [Homer] WHY YOU LITTLE...

>
> "Whoa! Chill! I've done nothing... Except waking you.... You weren't
> dreaming anything pleasant?"

Tom: [Knuckles] Just me and Claudia Schiffer in tub of oil...
Crow: Servo!
Mike: Crow! That's my line!

>
> "You'd better wish I've been dreamin'! If I haven't, you be in BIG
> trouble!"

Tom: Worse than trouble...
Crow: More chaotic than more trouble...
Mike: Scarier than just plain old big trouble, It's...
All: BIG trouble! [Dun-dun-duhn is heard in the background.]

>
> "Gees! I'd been a hothead too if someone had stolen my emerals, but
> don't take it out on me!

Tom: Its called friendly fire... Sometimes it happens.

> I'm just wondering if you've seen an orange guy, kinda' like me?"
>
> "Yes! He looked exactly like you! He spin....... The emeralds are
> stolen?!!!"
>
> Knuckles had just noticed the emeralds weren't there.

Crow: He's really got a knack for that delayed reaction...

> He tried to
> contact them, but his head felt
> like a crashtest area.

Mike: Bad hangover for the spindash.

>
> "Yeah brightboy! They're not in here, and the island doesn't fly, someone
> must have taken them!"

Crow: We've got another Holmes here.

>
> "Orange guy!"
>
> "Yeah, Orange guy!"
>

Crow: [Mr. Big] And you're Blonde guy, you're Brown guy, and you're Pink guy.
Tom: [Mr. Pink] Pink guy?  Why do I have to Pink guy?  Pink guy sounds like
p***y guy. Why can't I be Purple guy?
Crow: [Mr. Big] Because Purple guy is in another fic.
Mike: [Mr. White] If it bugs you so much, I'll be Pink Guy...
Crow: [Mr. Big] No, he's Pink Guy. There is only two ways of going on this
fic: My way or the highway.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen: The 'Reservoir Dogs' sketch.

>
>
>
> "So you're trying to tell us Orange guy's an alien?"
>
> Sonic and Tails had just heard what happened to Knuckles befor he was
> knocked out.
>
> "Kinda'.. He be your negative. He be from another Realm.

Mike: He be using Ebonics again.
Crow: We not be understanding.
Tom: We be needing a translator.

> Only two things... He's evil and in
> order to not faid 'way while he's on Mobius he's gotta get rid of you!"
>
> Sonic didn't look very worried.

Mike: [Sonic] So, he's got to kill me... Why should I worry?

>
> "What's with the emeralds?" asked Tails

Tom: They're these real expensive jewels and...
Mike: I think he means the Chaos Emeralds.
Tom: [muttering] Spoilsport.

>
> "Mon! Not even you two are that braindead! Hyper Nega-Sonic!"

Crow: Now with kung-fu grip!

>
> Now Sonic looked worried.

Tom: Yea, those things sell faster than Furbies.

>
> "Uh-oh!" was all he could say.
>

Mike: It's the same thing we say whenever Dr. Forrester calls...

>
>
>
>
> The great evil had nearly completed its plan. Deep in the ocean it had
> built a giant Lair. In the
> center of it, a complex robot was waiting for it's new mind.

Mike: I call no 'When they were handing out brains...' jokes.
[Bots groan]

> The robot
> had synthetic skin with
> built-in censors, allowing it to feal,

Tom: How do you 'feal?'
Crow: Somewhat 'angryer' after that.

> a 'brain' like the human one,
> but without the ability to
> forget.

Tom: What did he say?
Crow: I don't remember.

> What indentified the robot's maker, and whom it was that was about to
> get it as a body,
> was the bushy mustaches and the big red nose.

Mike: Oh boy, clowns!

> Robotnik.

Mike: What, no clowns?
Tom: Sorry Mike, but no clowns today.

>
> "At last!"
>
> The advanced voice synthesizer left no doubt, he was ressurected. With
> his new body, he was
> stronger than ever.

Bots: [Hans and Frans] We're here to pump... [Clap hands] YOU UP!

>
> "No dying this time! Sonic, say your prayers!"

Mike: Now I lay me down to sleep...
Tom: Hail Mary, full of grace...
Crow: Lord... Please let this end soon.
All: AMEN!

>
> He walked over to another robot. He admired his work before launching
> the startup process. He had
> designed a special program for it's mind.

Crow: A program that only has a Mac version.

> A program as complexed as a real
> mind. The robot, a
> silver hedgehog, was able to do anything Sonic could, and more.

Tom: [infomercial host] It slices, it dices, and it makes julian fries in
under a minute!

> The program
> was a complete copy
> of Sonic's mind.

Tom: However, since he didn't include the standard copyright info, he got
sued for millions of dollars.

>
> "PROGRAM LAUNCHED! SILVER SONIC WILL BE READY IN EXACTLY THIRTY
MINUTES"

Mike: Or your next one's free!

>
> Something worriec Robotnik, though. The eggbot he sent to seize Sonic had
> never returned.
>

Crow: And whoever didn't return it is gonna get one hell of a late fee.

>
>
>
>
> One of the piles of trashed robots started moving. A blue creature came
> out. It was a hedgehog.

Mike: [National Geographic explorer] As we watch the hedgehog crawl out of
its unnatural surroundings, we are reminded of how deep man's influence is
on the jungle...

> He shaked and little pieces of SWATbot fell off him. He noticed his left
> arm was missing.
> That didn't seem to be a problem.

Tom: Sure, there's nothing wrong with missing a body part and not
remembering how you lost it.
Crow: Yea, you lose heads all the time!
Tom: Yea, I lose heads... HEY!

> He just made a new one from all the
> metal scrap.

Mike: Remember kids: Always recycle.
Unknown Announcer: [VO] Thismessagebroughttoyoubypeoplewhoearnawholelotmore
moneythanyou.

> His mind
> scanned for memorys, but found nothing. Nothing exept a short sentence.

Crow: B I T E  M E .

> 'Mecha Sonic model#1
> (Only registrated robot in this series),

Mike: All the rest are just bootlegs.

> main objective: kill Sonic
> Hedgehog'.

Crow: Why does everyone want to kill Sonic? Is this going to turn out to be
an anti-fic?
Tom: If it were, it would have ended two pages ago.
Mike: Unless the author likes a really long setup.
[Dead silence.]
Mike: What?
Tom: [visibly shaken] D-d-d-don't say th-th-things like that.

> Mecha Sonic didn't
> rember who the Sonic character was.

Crow: He's a video game character who went on to comics, TV, and stuff like
this.

> The reason his memory was blanked
> was the presnence of a
> strong magnetic field,

Crow: Hey is it true that Tom and I will lose our memories if we encounter
a magnetic field?
Mike: Probably.
Crow: Well, why don't we test it out? [Points to Tom.]
Mike: Okay.
[Mike reaches under his seat and pulls out a refrigerator magnet.  He slaps
it to Tom's head.]
Tom: What the..?  AHRAAAGHAAAAA! [Sparks start to shoot out from Tom's body.]
Crow: Wow!  That is so cool!

> and a bug in the system that should have protected
> him from it.

Tom: GNHAAAAAAA!
Crow: Look at him go!

> He plugged
> his mind to the remenants of a SWATbot's head, and copied it.

Tom: OOOOOHHHHHHH!

> He now had
> learned enough about
> Sonic to find him.
>

Tom: WHOOOAAAAAA!
Mike: I think he's had enough.
[Mike takes the magnet off of Tom's head.  The sparks stop shooting, and
Tom begins to breathe quite heavily.]
Tom: Why... did you... stop?  It... was... starting to... feel... good.
Crow: ECCHI!

>
>
>
>
>
> The Guardian burrowed towards the surface. This was not good! He sensed
> evil from both aliens.
>

Tom: [Bill Paxton from 'Aliens'] Game over man!

>
>
>
>
>
> "Every man for 'imself!"

Crow: You heard him: RUN!
[The bots begin to run around, screaming.  After their fourth pass of Mike,
he grabs them and puts them back in their seats.]

>
> Antoine had woke incredebly quick from sleeping. And he could see an armada
> of Robotnik's older
> models aproaching Knothole. Buzz bombers, Moto bugs, Cater killars.

Tom: Oh my!

>
> "Man ze ztockade! Fire!"
>
> Exept Antoine running around in circles, nothing happened.

Mike: Somebody wrote a story, but nothing made sense.

>
> "'Allo? 'Elp! Where iz everybodey?"

Crow: Getting the hell out while they can.

>
> "What's up?"
>
> Rotor stopped Antoine.
>
> "Robots! Zey are comming!"

Bots: [Chuckle evilly.]

>
> Rotor looked in the direction Antoine pointed.
>
> "Woah! How did they find us?"

Tom: It took the rest of the Freedom Fighters nearly nineteen lines to
figure out that they were under attack?
Mike: Not too quick on the up-take, are they?

>
> Then the robots stopped. Something on the other side of them had drawn
> their attetion.

Crow: Free all-you-can-eat fallapals!
Tom: Fallapals?
Crow: Yea, you got a problem with fallapals?

> Robot
> after robot was destroyed.

Tom: Dear God, WHY?!?

> As the source of the destruction came closer,
> they could see what it
> was.

Mike: MAH GOD, DUKE NUKEM GOT OUT OF HIS GAME AND HAS GONE NUTS!!

> Three balls was bouncing around, ramming down 'bot after 'bot. One
> red, one blue, and one
> orange.

Crow: Nothing beats a good game of dodgeball.

>
> "It iz Soneec!"
>
>
>
>
>
> "It's all very strange... How could they locate us?" Sally looked
> really worried.

Crow: Maybe if you take down the sign that says 'KNOTHOLE: HOME OF THE
FREEDOM FIGHTERS; NEXT EXIT...'

>
> "Yeah, some ol' Eggbot ruined the wall at the chillidog place just the
> other day! Said somethin'
> 'bout Robotnik wantin' me.." Sonic was eating yet another cillidog.

[Cheesy 70's porno music starts up.]
Crow: [Robotnik as an porn star.] Aw yea... I want you in the worse way...
Mike: 0_o
Tom: Are you trying to go for broke? In a non-lemon?!?
Crow: Hey, we're missing the preview of the pre-pre-PRE-game show. I'm ticked.

>
> "The robots be nothin' compared to the other Sonic with the emeralds."
> Knuckles stared at the
> chillidog with disgust.
>
> "Other Sonic?"

Crow: Yea, don't you know the code for Sonic 2?

>
> Everyone stared at Knuckles.

Tom: [Random Freedom Fighter] What is that on your shoulder?!?
Mike: [Knuckles] What?  Where?
Tom: [RFF] Never mi... There it is again!

>
> "Y'know, orange guy. Came from another dimension, stole Knux' emeralds and
> wants to kill me."

Mike: Relatively calm for someone with a price on his head.

> Sonic took another byte of his chillidog.

Crow: They have chili-flavored RAM chips now?
Tom: Chili-flavored? Mike, I insist that you go get some chili-flavored RAM
chips. I demand it. [Throws a tantrum.] I want it, I want it, I want it, I
WANT IT!!!

>
> "What's that all about?" Rotor looked at Knuckles, hoping to get an
> understandeble answer.

Mike: We're hoping to get an understandable story.
Tom: We'll even settle for halfway.

>
> "I tried to open a portal to another Realm. This guy came out, looked
> just like Sonic. He
> spin dashed me down an' stole my emeralds. He be Sonic's negative, he's
> evil!

Tom: He's evil, I tell you, EVIL!

> He be out there now,
> looking for Sonic. He needs to get Sonic out of this Realm, preferebly
> by killing him, or he'll
> just fade away....... Peeeew!

Mike: [sniff air] Ugh, who let one rip?
Crow: He whom smelt it, dealt it.

> How can you eat that stuff?" Knuckles longed
> for grapes.
>
> "Have a byte!"

Crow: Hey, free system upgrade!

> Sonic pushed the un-eaten part of the chillidog into Knuckles' mouth.

Tom: [motherly voice] Here comes the choo-choo.

>
> Everyone expected to see the room covered with chillidog, but Knuckles
> just swalloved it.

Crow: Well that answers the question if Knuckles spi...
Mike: [Holding Crow's beak.] No, it doesn't.

>
> "Don't ever do that again, or I'll make two holes in you head... You could
> call yourself
> 'knotholes', knothead"

Crow: Hold on... Sonic calls Knuckles knothead, not the other way around.
Tom: Thou are a nitpicker, FANBOY!

> Knuckles did obviously not like chillidogs.

Tom: [Valley girl] Like, groody to the max!
Crow: [Knuckles] Taste like s**t.
Mike: No swearing!

>
> "Ok, chill. Thought you'd like it" Sonic looked dissapointed.
>
> "Can we go on now?" Sally tapped her foot.

Mike: What? And shorten the story even more?
Tom: What vilification!

>
> "Wha... Yeah, sure!" Sonic dragged his hand over his closed mouth, as
> closing a zipper.

Crow: Good. That means we don't have to hear him for the rest of the story.

>
> Just when Sally was a bout to go on,

Mike: A bout? But it isn't even Tuesday...

> somthing slammed open the door.
> Everything became quiet when
> a feline stepped into the room.

Tom: Here it comes...

>
> "Which one of ye are the guardian of the Chaos Emeralds?"

Tom: And we have avatar!

>
> Knuckles raised his arm.

Crow: But not his hand, which left a bloody mess.

>
> "Ye shall come with me!"
>
>
>
>
>
> Outside the hut Knuckles looked at the cat-like creature.

Crow: [Knuckles] You are one ugly mamma-jamma.

> It looked old,
> very old. It's ears were
> toren and full of cracks. It's hands had giant claws, looked like blades.

Tom: There is a haiku. A sort of hastily made one. It certainly sucks.

>
> "What can I do you for?"
>
> The creature didn't look back.
>
> "Ye are in trouble! Mobius is not ready for contact with other Realms yet!

Crow: Not until the long distance prices get set up.

> I am the guardian of
> this Realm. My job is to make sure no one leaves or enters this Realm
> without premission.

Tom: And you're doing a half-assed job at it.

> Two
> beings have entered this Realm this week. One from The Negative and one
> from The Death.

Mike: So THAT'S how Kenny does it every episode!

> The only
> power strong enough to make a portal are the Chaos Emeralds. Thus I need
> them to return the
> beings to their original Realms.

Mike: [Knuckles] Why?
Crow: [Guardian] I'm the avatar, so just do it.

> Ye are the guardin of the emeralds, so ye
> must have opened the
> portal."
>
> "There's one promblem.

Tom: My spell-checker doesn't work.

> The negativ guy stole them. And I know nothing about
> the dead guy.

Mike: Those dead guys are a tricky bunch... always not moving and staying
buried.

> And to
> be honest, I ain't got the time to chat with ya,

Mike: [Imitating Guardian on an IRC] <Guardian> How soon we you give me the
emeralds?
Tom: <Knuckles> I've got to go. I've got work.
***Knuckles has left the room
Mike: <Guardian> Fine. Be that way.
***Crow has entered the room
Crow: <Crow> Wanna see my Dragon Balls?
Mike: What the...? CROW!

> neither attend at the
> freedom fighters' stupid
> meeting! I gotta find ma emeralds!"

Mike: Who's Ma Emeralds?

>
> Knuckles was about to dash away, but something kept him from doing it.

Crow: Though unstated, we all know the reason why Knuckles can't move...
Tom: Since the guardian is the author's avatar, he has the all-important
plot contrivance field.

>
> "That is what I have been trying to tell ye! And I am going to help ye."
>

Crow: Now bend over and take it like a man.
Mike: CROW!

>
>
>
>
> "No way! Uh-uh! I'm not going to be no bait! If I'll be doin' anythin', it
> will be beating the
> snot outa him!" Sonic was not willing to do anything envolving standing
> still.
>
> "Y'can't beat him when he's not there!

Crow: Somebody hasn't heard of on-line games, has he?

> The only way for jah

Tom: [Swedish Chef] Jah, eeverebodie iz bigeening to talk vik dish.

> to find him is
> to let him find you.
> And he can't do that while you're all over the place!"
>
> The Guradian smiled while overhearing the young Mobians.

Tom: Bickering teenagers... Isn't it wonderful?

>
> "For an Emerald guardian, ye are pretty stupid. The Negative will use
> the Emeralds to become
> invincible, no one can beat him"

Mike: Didn't he figure that out already?
Crow: You know the rules: Avatar appears, the regular characters become dumb.

>
> "The emeralds are under my control! I'll just get 'em away from him when
> he's close 'nough."
>
> "I'll say.... You're going to bonk his head to get 'em out?"
>
> "No, but I'm very tempted to bonk another hedgehog's head!"

Tom: Hey, don't rag on 'Whack the Mole.'

>
> "Oh? Oh? Well, 'you thought Orange guy's spin dash was bad, then have a
> load of this!"
>
> Before the Guardian could do anything, Sonic and Knuckles ran towards
> eachother and started

Mike: The wildest sex scene in fanfic history.
Crow: MIKE! [pauses] Hold on, something about that wasn't right...

> punching, kicking and spin dashing, all with an essence of cat-fight.

Bots: [Begin to make cat noises.]

>
> "I hate this job" the Guardian mumbled, before he raised his voice.

Tom: [Guardian] I SAID I HATE THIS JOB!

>
> "STOP IT! Or  I will just go back to sleep and let the negative get ye!"

Crow: Do it, because I'm missing the new commercial for Depends.
Tom: I don't even WANT to know why you want to see that...

>
> Sonic and Knuckles had stopped, just as the guardian finished yelling.
>
> "Let's call it day!" Sonic said and was gone.

Tom: He seems peppy after getting yelled at...
Mike: What day?
Crow: Tuesday.

>
> "That means yes" Knuckles added.
>

Crow: No matter how you look at it, that was still confusing.

>
>
>
>
> Out on an open field, some distance away from Knothole, stood a young
> hedgehog. He was not doing
> anything, just standing there.

Tom: This isn't going to turn into one of those 'ponder about everything'
fics, is it?

> He checked his watch, forgetting he didn't
> have one. He started
> tapping his foot.

[Bots hum the MST3K Love theme while Mike taps the beat out on his foot.]

>
> "I'm waaiitin'" he couldn't stand it.

Crow: Then sit down!
Tom: Bu-doom-boom.
Crow: Thanks, I'll be here all night! Try the veal.

>
> "Yo! Orange guy, or Negative, Ah'm just standin' here!"
>
> Nothing happened.

Mike: Could have told you that before.
Tom: [To Crow] Hey, I'll give you five dollars right now if you don't make
one off-color remark in the next, oh, three sentences.
Crow: You're on. [Takes the money.]

>
> "ATTACK ME FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

[Theater shakes yet again.]
Tom: You know, this is getting quite tiresome...

>
> Just that second, the Negative stood beside him. But he was flashing, and
> his quills had become
> noticable longer.

[Crow's head begins to smoke and his body begins to shake.]
Tom: Uh-oh.
Mike: Oh, smooth Servo. CROW DETONATION PROCEDUERS!!!
[Mike grabs Tom and heads towards one of the rear corners of the theater.
Crow begins to glow. He explodes, taking the first eight rows (And a few
lines of the fic.) with him.]

Tom: Is it over?
Mike: Let me see...
[Mike looks over the seat they were behind. Crow is still in his, though
both are now charred. Mike and Tom return to what's left of theirs.]
Mike: Crow? Buddy? You all right?
Crow: Ow.
Tom: That's payback for the magnet!

> Knuckles tried to stop, but the weight of his hands made
> it impossible for him
> doing it without falling, and so he just ran further and further away.

[Another explosion is heard, off-screen.]
Tom: And there goes the goofy meter.

>
> "Now it is just you and me. If you think you can force me home, then you
> should think again."
> The Negative and the Guardian stood face to face.

Crow: Looks just like Mortal Kombat.

>
> "Ye just think I am some weak old cat, or what? Ye are right about me being
> old, but when it
> comes to strengh....."

Mike: [Guardian] ... I don't have any.

>
> The Guradian raised his giant claw, and moved it towards the Negative wit
> all speed, precision
> and strengh he could manage,

Crow: Which wasn't much because of the arthritis and the blown hip...

> thus resulting in the Negatice flying
> backwards while the Chaos
> Emeralds flew to random dirrections.

Tom: But I thought that... How did he... WHOSE NEGATICE? Ow.
Mike: Don't think about it Tom. It only hurts worse.

>
> By that time Sonic had gotten on his feet, and rushed over.
>
> "Whoa! Y'shure pack a mean punch!" he could hardly beilive what he had seen.

Mike: [Sonic, sarcastic] Wow, who can believe that an avatar can do that?

>
> The Negative sat up, noticing it was slightly blurry.

Crow: Hey, could somebody clean the screen?

>
> "No! You shan't get away with this!" his voice was getting weaker.

Tom: It's too close to the end of part one, so you're toast.

>
> "Guess what.... We already did!"

Tom: Ha, ha. Told you.

>
> "You will regret! I shall return....." and he was gone.

Mike: That's usually not good to hear...
Tom: I have a feeling that we are going to return, too.
[The door begins to swing open]
Crow: Who cares? We might be able to catch highlights of the halftime show
from the pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-game show!

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, dog bone.]