MiSTed: Sonic the Hedgehog: Merry Christmas By Cedric Henry (@....2....3....4....5....6....Click-chunk) (Mike, Tom and Crow are wearing Christmas suits) Mike: Hi everyone! I'm Mike Nelson and welcome to the sattelite of love! We're hovering over Mobius right now, which is the Sonic the Hedgehog world! As of now, we're introducing the idea of Christmas to these animals. *ahem* All: (Singing) Dashing through the 'bots In a one-seat opened plane you can't help but watch Packbell groan in pain Come and kill Snively Make your spirits bright Sonic, hope you go and buy a Power Ring Tonight! Oh, Mobius Mobius Wars rage on all day Defeat Robotnik fair and square who has no pride, by the way! Mobius Mobius Don't give up your ways Think before you act and make the Fanfics.... come... our..... way? Mike: Who changed the lyrics? (Chris's hut. There are papers strewn all over the room, with a computer in the center. Chris is sitting at it. Pearl and Bookshire watch anxiously.) Bookshire: And Acmelabs couldn't handle all the fanfics, so they crashed and blew up my computer! Chris: And? Bookshire: We need to find a smaller fan fiction archive to hook ourselves up to. Chris: Right! F-fonline.stealth.com coming up! Pearl: What? Chris: I went there every day when I was a human. I have all of the songs from the original games! Pearl: I wish I were in the world of the Gobbos. At least they have nice, mellow tunes I can listen to. Chris: There. Bookshire: (Looking at the screen) Hmmm.... a tale of origin..... Nicole... Lemonade...... a Sonic the Hedgehog Christmas? Pearl: Perfect! Christmas for the clowns in the theater! Bookshire: Wait! What is Christmas? Chris: It's an Earthling tradition of celebrating the birth of the son of God. Pearl: But mostly it's about presents. Bookshire: Cool. Sign me up. (SoL. Movie sign.) (6....5....4....3....2....@....) Sonic the Hedgehog: Merry Christmas by Bookshire Draftwood Mike: The other, better-spelling Stephen Ratliff. The author of this work will accept questions and comments via E-mail at any of the following addresses: Tom: Bookshire@hell.org. Crow: Bookshire@satan.to. bookshire@rat.org bookshire@inficad.com based on characters created by Service and Games (SEGA) Mike: Who is being beaten like a fox under the rabid dogs Nintendo and Sony. and on characters created by Archie Comic Publications Crow: Who are producing mind-numbing escapades of your favorite red-haired teenager NOW! This work is protected under various copyright laws. The author of this work grants his permission for free distribution of this work Tom: YAY! in its original, unaltered form only. Tom: D'OH! No other use of this work is permitted. Crow: So I can't set it on fire and throw it down the deepest, darkest pits of Mayan history? The snow lay thick on the ground. Mike: The sun was, as usual, shining brightly. Deep in the Diamond Mountains, a rebel village lay in total ruin. Huts had been destroyed, fires burned in the remains of homes. Blast marks left by powerful laser rifles scorched the surrounding mountains, and a few of the surrounding trees had either been destroyed, or were burning. Tom: Oh, it's a society of Ewoks! Among all the destruction, a lone shuttle sat on its own with a lone passenger inside. Crow: (Lister) RIMMER? HOLLY? CAT? KRYTEN? WHERE ARE YOU? Commander Packbell sat in front of his computer Tom: Which, by SHEER COINCIDENCE, is a Packard Bell. in the shuttle writing his report. Mike: (Packbell) And so.... I want.... Cuba.... to be free..... hmmm. It had been about four hours since the last of the prisoner transports had departed. Whenever he successfully located and overpowered a group of freedom fighters, he always stayed around for a while Crow: Throwing a party. He never gets much people around these days. writing the report that would be turned in at Central Command. The raid had gone very well. His forces charged in, eliminated the resistance and captured the survivors. They had managed to capture 103 Crow: Dalmations. All: Cruella DeVil.... Cruella DeVil.... If she doesn't scare you.... freedom fighters this time around. That brought Packbell's personal total to 613 captured freedom fighters. The losses had been minimal, ten bots on his side and fifteen rebels on the other side. As soon as he finished his report, Mike: In a really big font because he never has typed that well. he stood up and went outside to survey all the damage. Everything was in ruin. As he strode through the remains, he came across a hut that had somehow managed to stay standing. Upon entering, he found the inside to be in utter chaos. Apparently the result of rebels Tom: (Vader) Luke.... Join me..... scattering in fear as Swat-bots busted in. As he looked about, he noticed something lying on the floor in the corner. Packbell bent down and examined it. Mike: (Packbell) Hey! I found a pack of Trojans in the road! Christmas tree, he thought to himself. Mike: It must be, like, one foot tall. He had never understood the concept of Crow: Space Jam. Christmas. The very idea had appeared to him to be absolutely pointless. He had judged the holiday to be inefficient. Nothing important ever got done during this time. What was the point of wasting time Crow: If you look closely, those four sentences say exactly the same thing. giving gifts when one could be working to better himself like Packbell did. Granted, Packbell did hang around the Command Center often, doing nothing, Tom: So he's wasting time. Crow: Pretty much. but he didn't call that wasting time, he called that waiting for orders. "Well," he said, standing "no Christmas for these rebels." He pulled his laser pistol and fried the tree into ashes. Returning to the shuttle, Packbell headed back to Robotropolis. Meanwhile, deep in the great forest, the freedom fighters of Mike: Missouri. Knothole where celebrating the season. Everywhere one looked, there were signs of the Christmas spirit. Crow: Even though Christ was born billions of lightyears away. Sonic and Tails were having snowball fights, Bookshire was helping Sally decorate the huts, Antoine was trying to decide Tom: which phony accent to use this time. what to give the Princess for Christmas, Crow: Oh, just give her something you find on the ground and say it's from the heart. I'm sure she'd appreciate it. and Dulci and Rotor were busy putting up a hundred foot Christmas Tree in the center of Knothole. Tom: Could the Grinch try to steal Christmas from Whoville today? Dulci would move it into position while Rotor calculated the optimum angle in which the tree should be positioned so that it wouldn't fall down in case of a snow storm. Mike: Yes, the traditional fanfic-esque way of cramming in every single character in the series. Once the tree had been set, all the freedom fighters gathered around to decorate it. the decoration of the tree was something the freedom fighters looked forward to every year, and, as with all the years before, when the decoration was complete, Tails would fly up to the top and place the star on top of the tree. Crow: Just like every other Christmas story so far. The ceremony had gone well. Afterwards, Sally, Rotor and Tails went over to help Bookshire decorate his tree. "You know," remarked Bookshire as they came in "I don't think the tree has ever looked better." Mike: (Bookshire) Of course, this is my first tree, but...... "Yeah," replied Rotor "we did a real good job on it." Tom: (Joe) Holy smokes, Gus! I remember da map! "How would you all like something to drink?" said Bookshire "I've got freshly made eggnog in the fridge." Crow: (Bookshire) Had to get a pint of alcohol in there to get it to taste right, though.... "Great!" said Rotor and Tails. "No thanks," said Sally "Eggnog is real fattening." Tom: (Sally) Just look at what it did to my head! "Relax, Sal," replied Bookshire "It's totally low in fat and cholesterol. Mike: (Bookshire) Only 980 calories a glass this time! I made it without any egg yolks; only egg whites." "Well," said Sally "I suppose." "Great," said Bookshire as he went into the kitchen. "So," said Rotor "What are you two asking Santa for for Christmas?" Crow: (Sonic) You're a stupid pussy, you know that? "Peace and good will," said Sally "I ask for it every year. One of these years I'm sure my request will be granted." "I'm asking for some new running shoes," said Tails "The ones I have are wearing out." Crow: Yeah, you'll have to fly all the way. Bummer, huh? "Sounds good," said Bookshire as he returned with four cups of eggnog. After decorating the tree they all went to bed. Meanwhile, back in Robotropolis, Packbell was pacing the hallways, deep in thought. He had decided to get Robotnik something close to a Christmas present in order to better understand what the big deal was. Mike: (Packbell) I know! Let's get Robotnik a shoe horn! If he was ever going to overthrow Robotnik, he decided, it would be nice to know about these things. However, he had encountered two problems: (1) how to give the gift without Robotnik suspecting it was a present Tom: Yes, it's not a gift, it's a present! and (2) what to get him. He stopped in the hallway a thought for a moment. "What does Robotnik want more than anything in the world?" Crow: POWER! he asked himself. After a few moments an evil smile spread across his face. "The location of Knothole Village," he answered simply. It would be a tall order, but Packbell was confident that he knew who could find out for him. Turning on his heel, he walked back to the docking platform to get a shuttle. Tom: Hertz Rent-a-shuttle! Packbell's shuttle flew silently through the dark of night. After a time, it came to rest at the edge of the Great Swamp. After leaving the shuttle, Packbell walked into the swamp. He took various routes, making several turns Mike: And he took a step. And then he took another one. Tom: And he took another one! Horror of horrors! before he arrived at his destination. He entered a small clearing, stood in the center, and waited. "Well, well, well, its only been a week," said a voice, suddenly "does the high a mighty Packbell need my assistance again?" Packbell was not impressed. Crow: (Packbell) I am not amused! "Knock it off, Sandra," he said into the darkness "You should know by now that your mysterious front doesn't impress me." Crow: Russian or French? "Very well," said Sandra "what can I do for you this time?" Mike: Ah. Ryan Nightweaver must be out on a business trip. "Very simple, really. I would like the location of Knothole Village," said Packbell. "Knothole? Isn't that where Princess Sally hides out?" asked Sandra. Mike: (Sandra) Well, let's see: Knothole is the only village of animals in this area, Robotropolis is still up and running, and Sally can only stay out for so long. You're right! What was I *thinking?* "Correct," replied Packbell. "A tough assignment," said Sandra "You understand that you are asking me to betray a member of the royal family." Crow: (Sandra) Hmmm..... What weapons do I bring? "Of course," said Packbell "but I don't see a problem. Unless, you are actually loyal the her." Tom: (Sandra) Who's Loyal the Her? "Of course not!" snapped Sandra "I'm loyal to no one but myself." Crow: (Packbell) So you're cheating on Ryan now? "Then you'll do it?" asked Packbell. "I'll have to think about it," replied Sandra "What would you give me if I gave you this information?" "What do you want?" asked Packbell. Tom: Wokka-chicka-wokka-chicka-wokka-chicka....etc..... Crow: (Hums background music, same time) Mike: (Same time) Do you wanna get out? Then what'cha gonna do? "Well," replied Sandra "in that case, get me the Crown Jewels of Mobius and I'll think about it." "Done," said Packbell. As he turned to leave, he heard a rustling in the bushes Crow: Oh, it's Vision. to his right as Sandra sprinted off into the swamp. "One day," he thought "I'll find out what she really looks like." Sandra Nightweaver sprinted through the Great Swamp as a breakneck Tom: *snap* Mike: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! pace. Her black fur blended with the night so as to make her virtually invisible. Mike: "Camoflauge and You" on the next "House of Style." Soon she arrived at her hideout. She sat down at her desk and opened a map of The Great Forest. Crow: (Falsetto) Oh, that must be the map that she was making at the beginning of "Altered Destiny" when she found Keith splaying and unconscious next to the tree. Tom: FANBOY! Crow: And the origin of Fanboy was a guy rnning around some comic conventions and he got really freaked out.... It was going to be tricky, but she was confident she would pull it off. She gathered up a few things and departed for The Great Forest. Mike: All she has to do is step out the door! She's located right in there! As Christmas came ever closer, so did the spirit of Christmas come with it. The Christmas celebration in Mike: Whoville. Knothole was in full swing. On top of everything else, Bookshire had managed to locate a database on his computer that had some Christmas music in it by a little known group called Mannheim Steamroller. Crow: Knowing the usual profanity of the group, they installed a bleeping machine to be ready. It was a unique kind of instrumental music that had been done entirely with synthesizers as well as traditional instruments. Tom: Can you say "Bozo's Circus is On the Air?" "I am a little concerned," Sally was saying to Sonic as they walked along. "What about?" asked Sonic. Mike: (Sally) T.S. and Brodie. "Well," she said "What if Robotnik tries something that will ruin the magic of the season." Tom: Do I need to point out that there has to be a QUESTION MARK to be a QUESTION? "Then I'll go bust it up like I always do." replied Sonic. Tom: (Sonic) I'll just press the self destruct button like every other machine has. "You really think you could handle anything?" asked Sally as they stopped walking for a moment. "Oh sure," replied Sonic "I can handle anything. I'm fully qualified." Crow: (Sonic) For what, I'm not sure. Don't yell at me. "Oh really," said Sally laughing a little bit "And what are your qualifications?" "I'm fast, determined, way past cool, and sneaky," replied Sonic. Tom: Sonic uses more slang than the girls in "Girls town." "Sneaky, huh, " said Sally "Prove it." "Easy," said Sonic "look up." Crow: (Sonic) Look down. Look at my thumb. Gee, you're dumb. Ha ha! Sally looked up a saw a sprig of mistletoe that Sonic had hung up above where they were standing. "So," said Sonic "what do ya' say!" Mike: (Sally) Beetlegeuse! "Well," said Sally, pretending to hesitate "I suppose." The two embraced and, after a moment gazing into each others eyes, they engaged in a kiss. Tom: Oh, this is going to turn dirty, isn't it? Later that night, Tom: Oh my god, it IS! a dark figure moved Tom: NOOOOOOO! though the surrounding Tom: I can't look! forest. Tom: Huh? Sandra Nightweaver had been searching for three days, and now she had found them. Crow: She had been there weeks ago. She's so absent minded. She moved closer to Knothole to get a better look at it. Bookshire was sitting in front of his computer playing a video game Tom: Ironically, he's emulating Super Mario Bros. 3. when, suddenly, a quiet alarm went off. Completely startled, Bookshire fell back off of his chair. Mike: (Bookshire) What the HECK was that quiet sound? Standing, he moved over to another monitor and turned off the alarm. He examined the monitor carefully. Mike: (Bookshire) I wish I could get something better than a Goldstar..... "Looks like we have company," he said to himself. Quickly grabbing his coat and cane, he headed out into the night. Sandra concealed herself behind some bushes Tom: Ick! on the fringes of Knothole. After examining the place for a while, she stood carefully and ran from the village. Suddenly, someone appeared before her. Crow: (Dracula) I was ressurected by..... HUMANS.... "And just where do you think you're going?" asked Bookshire, stepping into the moon light. Crow: (Sandra) I'm going to Disney World! Without answering, Sandra charged forward, intent on escape. As she passed by Bookshire, he quickly stuck out his cane, catching her legs. Tom: And then he took an arm over there.... and her tail way over there..... Sandra tripped and fell face first into the snow with such force that it knocked her out. Sandra didn't come around Mike: (Singing) When I come around! until the next morning. When she did, she found herself in a bed with Rotor, Sally, Sonic and Bookshire standing over her. Tom: This is a scene DIRECTLY going into Playboy. After a few moments of tense silence Sonic spoke. "Who are you," he asked simply. "No one you need to know about," replied Sandra. Mike: (Charlie) I thought, all periods, had to, have tails, but Miss Kinnian, said no, "Don't give us that," said Sally "You're Sandra Nightweaver aren't you." Tom: Well, according to that she just said that. Sandra said nothing. "My father told me about you on more than one occasion," said Sally "Breaking and entering, theft, espionage. I believe those have been you're crimes. I believe that you also tried to rip off the royal treasury at one point didn't you." Crow: (Sandra, quickly) Wait... I know this one.... uh.... THE BEATLES! "Well, your highness, it looks like you've got me cold," said Sandra. "Why are you here," asked Rotor. "Just gathering a little information," she replied. Crow: Bookshire apparently likes commas. "You're planning to sell us out to Robotnik aren't you," said Sally "I've got half a mind to arrest you for treason right now." "Go ahead," said Sandra, smiling Mike: Like Ryan Huber. Tom: Ack...... "you can't keep me here. Your father's high tech prisons couldn't hold me and I don't think whatever you have now can either." Crow: Sandra, can you say "Solid Steel Box?" "She's right you know," said Bookshire "Know matter what we do, she'll probably escape somehow. So, I suppose the real question is what will she do?" Tom: I think Bookshire actually used a spell check! He just clicked the "Correct" button all the way through, though. "Are you really going to sell us out, Sandra?" asked Bookshire. Tom: (Singing) Sell Out! With me, oh yeah. Sell Out! With me, all right. "I'm still thinking about it," replied Sandra. "Oh yeah," said Sonic "Well, think about this. Crow: (Sonic) UpisdownhighislowandonlyGodcanmakeatree. If you sell us out we'll make sure every freedom fighter on the planet hears of your betrayal. You'll never be welcome anywhere ever again." "Perhaps," replied Sandra "However, aside from that not happening, what else would you offer me to keep my mouth shut." "I'll tell you what," said Sally "You keep our location a secret and I'll consider granting you a full pardon at the end of the war." Mike: My legs are cramped. I'll walk around for a while. Crow: Okay. "However, your winning the war is not a sure thing," said Sandra. "Perhaps, but this a far better deal than anything Robotnik would give you if you were talking to him instead of me," said Sally. (Mike walks around a bit) "Like I said before, I'm still thinking about it," Sandra replied. "As you wish," said Sally. The group left her alone, and, later that evening, she slipped unnoticed from the village." Crow: Oh, the narrator stopped talking. Meanwhile, Packbell was walking through the halls of the central command center, feeling so pleased that he was going to get the location of Knothole that he couldn't resist whispering a short tune he invented. "Jingle bells, 'buttnik smells Snively is a geek Compared to me, its plain to see they're idiots of the week!" Tom: Yes, every Sonic fanfic eventually turns incredibly childish at the wink of a eye! He laughed a little as he finished and headed for the docking bay to go meet Sandra. Packbell's shuttle landed at the edge of the Great Swamp once again, Crow: Ah, another way of running the word "Great" into the dirt. and once again he took the same route to the same clearing to see what Sandra had to say. "Sandra," he called out into the darkness. "I'm here," came the reply. Tom: (Sandra) But where are you? YOU WORTHLESS BT OF FLESH! "Did you get the information I requested?" asked Packbell. Mike: Oh, he's looking for the answers to the PSATs and getting the answers to the INTSs.... "Yes," replied Sandra "I suppose you want it." "I kind of had that in mind," said Packbell. There was a long pause. Sandra sat in her hiding place trying to make up her mind. Finally, she reached a decision. "Well," said Packbell "let's have it." "Actually," said Sandra "I don't think I'll tell you." All: Wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhh..... "What?!" exclaimed Packbell. Crow: (Packbell) That's dirty! "I told you I was still thinking about it, and I've decided that, when it comes down to it, I'm not going to betray a member of the royal family," announced Sandra. Crow: Shows how different gals are from guys. Mike: But we have more brain cells. "I don't believe this!" exclaimed Packbell as he got angry "You know, Sandra, if you were a Swat-bot standing in front of me, I'd blast you into scrap metal so fast you wouldn't have time to realize what had happened!" Tom: (Childish) I'm gonna kill you SO FAST...... He turned and stormed out of the clearing. Suddenly, he stopped and turned back one last time. "Know this, Sandra Nightweaver," he called out "from now on you are a freedom fighter to me, and if you I ever get my hands on you, you will be Crow: (Packbell) Calling the police, and arresting me for rape! treated as such!" "And proud of it!" called Sandra as she sprinted off into the swamp. Tom: (Sandra) There's another chunk added to woman's Lib! Packbell stood there for a few moments clenching his fists, and wishing he had something to strangle. Mike: Strangle your finger! It works for me! After a moment he calmed down. "Christmas sucks," he said. Packbell turned and walked back to the shuttle. Tom: Roger Wilco was waiting there, anxiously. A few days later, Christmas Eve arrived and a sort of pleasant peace settled over Knothole. Tom: Immediately followed by the dark reign of Hitler. "Don't the stars look wonderful," remarked Sally as she and sonic walked down the path. Mike: It can't be She! All: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! "They sure do," replied Sonic. "Do you think Sandra turned us in?" asked Sally. "Doubtful," said Bookshire walking up behind them "Despite all the claims she's made at being a loner, she still needs some support from the rest of us." "Do you think we'll ever see her again?" asked Sonic. Tom: (Homer) Yes we will.... er, no we won't. "Who can say," said Bookshire "in this crazy war, anything's possible. Crow: Maybe a guy on some other planet will get hit by a comet and get transported here, the comet giving him special powers that allow him to be anything he chooses, marrying Sandra Nightweaver and getting the comet destroyed. Well, good night you two." Bookshire turned and walked toward his house. "You know, Bookshire's right," said Sonic "I don't think she did it." Tom: (Sonic) Sandra's too much of a wuss. "You're probably right, Sonic," said Sally. Christmas Eve slowly slipped away... The next morning was a time for celebration. The entire morning was spent opening presents followed by a huge feast. Everyone got something they had asked for. Crow: Funny thing, how Tails asked for world domination...... The only thing that had not come was global peace and good will. However, the important thing was the, Mike: "The Comma?" Well, we'd better get a bunch of them!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, in the heart of every freedom fighter was the Mike: Aorta, superior and inferior vena cava, pulmonary veins..... idea, the belief, that one day soon, they would be able to celebrate without having to worry if they would make it to the next year. They would finally have what they fought so hard for year round... freedom. THE END Crow: So yet again, they emphasise that every freedom fighter wants ALL BAD THINGS TO DISAPPEAR! This is Bookshire sending a message to all of you in cyberspace, to everyone in the country and all over the world, to everyone in this universe and where ever life exists... Merry Christmas. Tom: If they know what the HECK Christmas is. AUTHOR'S NOTE: The name, "Mannheim Steamroller" and descriptions of their music have been used in this story without the permission of Chip Davis, The Mannheim Steamroller, or American Gramophone Records. (@....2....3....4....5....6....Click-chunk) (Mobian theater hall. Amy Rose, Bookshire Draftwood, Vision, Ryan, Michael Prower, and Chris all are standing straight on a platform.) Chris: We didn't do anything! Sonic: (From offscreen) Appearing here is bad enough! (Shouting) Citizens of Knothole! We are here to witness something I'm sure you have been expecting! *Ahem* THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL SELF-INSERTION CHARACTERS! (Sonic steps over to Amy.) Sonic: You are given a chance to prove that you are *not* the author. Go! Amy: Well, I was created by Lindsay Cibos. I don't have a *close* name description. Sonic: BUT..... you had gained an advantage over me, right? You were all-powerful, meaning that you fit Vision's description! Amy: But..... but....... Sonic: Shoot her with the roboticizer, Observer. (A ray hits Amy, coming from offscreen. She collapses immediately. The others gulp.) Sonic: Now, Chris..... you have 20 seconds. Chris: I am no longer the author. He's dead. I found his body in the woods. Sonic: Good point. BUT..... you still represent him, don't you? Chris: Nope! Sonic: Oh. Next! Bookshire! You repersent David Pistone, don't you? Bookshire: Um..... no. Sonic: Oh. Okay, then. Ryan! Ryan: I do, in fact, have the same name as Ryan Huber, but you have no proof. Sonic: Oh really? What do you call..... THIS? (Disk of "The Newcomer" is held up) Sonic: This fanfic describes your morphing powers, your abandoning of your family, and HOW YOU GOT HERE! Ryan: I like big fields. Sonic: SHUT UP! Observer, kill him! (A beam hits Ryan. Sandra drags him away.) Sonic: MIKE! EXPLANATION! Mike: Well, I-- Sonic: WRONG! DIE! (A beam hits Mike. Tails runs over to him) Tails: Are you all right? Mike: No. Tails: GOOD! Sonic: Now, Vision. Vision: One more word out of you and I'll break your neck. Sonic: Good point. You can stay. Vision: Thought so. Besides, I'm the only decent person in this series! Sonic: Right! (A figure materializes. It's Cedric Henry, author.) Cedric: Well, I'm finished with tumbling throught the rifts of space and time. I think I'll go play a couple rounds of golf on the Green Hills Minigolf Resort! Sonic: Uh-huh. Vision: May I do the honors? Sonic: Sure. (Vision shoots Cedric) Cedric: Ouch. (Collapses) The end. Watch later for "From Amy Rose, with Love!" Henrykid@paulbunyan.net P.S. This story setting belongs to John Barry, MiSTer of "Seeing Stars," "Tricks of the Trade," and "Orcium." I'm using it without permission. So there! http://members.tripod.com/~Lobsterboy2/MST3K.htm (Caps Sensetive) http://www.math.rpi.edu/~nebusj/sth3k.htm