[No one will be seated during the climactic DOOR SEQUENCE!] [Scene: SoL Bridge. Strider is nowhere in sight, but Frodo and Sam are standing in the middle of the bridge. Sam glances around furtively.] SAM: Say, Frodo, this whole Gollum thing has got me thinking... FRODO: I'd say that that's rather unusual, but then you'd hit me. SAM: Dang right I would! Anyway, I think Gollum just might be our key off this Satellite! FRODO: Why do I sense a bizarre and convoluted plan in my near future? SAM: All right, it goes a little like this. From that little scene there, it's obvious that Gollum is still... oh, how do I put it... *loyal* to you. FRODO: That's putting it mildly. SAM: And he's also impersonating that unusual Big Person with the swollen knees... FRODO: Who *is* that guy? And what's with the knees? SAM: I really don't know, but I found something in the cargo hold the other day that seems to be tied into the knee-guy... perhaps, if we played on his loyalty *and* his new-found obsession, he would find a way to get us down from the Satellite! FRODO: Wait one second. If I may break the fourth wall a minute, this is only the second or third episode of this series! We shouldn't even be this desperate to escape yet! SAM: OK, I'm going to make this blunt: do you *want* to see any more Aeolus in your future? FRODO: Admittedly, no... but, still, what are the chances of the author actually being willing to let us escape? SAM: All right, they're slim to none. But - (He straightens his posture and stares directly into the camera, pouring out the pathos.) - aren't lost causes really the only ones worth fighting for? FRODO: No, actually, but I'll do it just this once. It'll get us out of Strider's stupid host segments, at least. SAM: Agreed! To the cargo hold! [Frodo and Sam exit stage left. The bridge is empty for a few seconds, and then Strider enters from stage right. He's wearing fox ears on his head, and he's carrying what looks like several furry costumes.] STRIDER: Guys? I got this *great* idea for a host segment. I'm Tails, and you two are... hello, guys? Guys?! Great, where are they *now*... why do they always have to ruin my host segment ideas?! [The Fanfic Sign goes off.] STRIDER: (sighs) Never mind. We've got fanfic sign. [Let's do the door sequence again! It's just a 6 to the left, a 5 to the right...] [SoL Theater. Strider enters as usual from right and sits down. After a few seconds, Frodo and Sam enter from left and take their seats.] STRIDER: Oh, there you are! Guys, where were you? We missed the host segment! FRODO: Uh... we were doing stuff. SAM: And things! STRIDER: Oh, all right. Let's get on with it. > "Do you?" he asked. > "No," said Tails immediately. > "What about Sally?" > "NO!" SAM: What about Bunnie, Sally, Dulcy, and - STRIDER: Sam, NO! SAM: Nice. You're mimicking the fanfic. > There was a pause. Tails felt bad about yelling at Rotor, but he seemed > unaffected. FRODO: Well, from his general demeanor, I don't think a two-by-four to the head would affect this guy. > Rotor scratched his chin. STRIDER: I didn't know walruses could get fleas! You learn something new every day! > "You know, you've been acting kind of down lately," he offered. SAM: Did you get a new dialogue person? That can do it... > "Is that what you mean? You're feeling bad?" > "Sort of." FRODO: You see, goofy fanfics about me always get me down. > "Well, when I was your age I had some problems like that. I didn't want > to wake up, SAM: Well, he certainly didn't have to on *our* account. STRIDER: Are you sure he ever did? His brain seems to be working at the vegetative level. > felt bad sometimes. Not too bad, though." SAM: Then again, I really never went through puberty, either... > "What'd you do?" > "Nothin'. It went away." FRODO: My brain, that is. Pesky thing. > "How long?" SAM: Now there's a personal question for you! > "Maybe a few months." He shrugged. "I don't really remember. The > fighting was really bad, STRIDER: There was a lot of killing and war and stuff. FRODO: The Battle of a Couple-Three Armies... > they was just sweeping over everything." STRIDER: The turning point was when the coup leaders got the vacuum cleaner! It was best in hard-to-reach places - oh, the humanity! > He summed up months of horror as if it had been a brief rainstorm. SAM: Thousands of Mobians die in the Brief Rainstorm of '08... > "So I was kind of distracted. I had to learn tech stuff real fast, so I > didn't have time for anything else..." FRODO: Like adverbs, Mr. 'Real Fast'? > "I feel bad sometimes," Tails said suddenly. > "When?" > "Right now. STRIDER: I dunno, Rotor... I just don't feel cut out for Knothole After-School Specials anymore. > I mean, most of the time." > "I don't," said Rotor. "I never feel that bad, really. Maybe it's > different for me. I'm a machine talent, you know. SAM: We're all very happy for you, Rotor. STRIDER: Computer, I'd like to register my mutation... FRODO: You know, I think this must be Rotor's fifth clone or so... I mean, you *know* what they say about copies of copies... > NICOLE says I'm abnormal," he added cheerfully. (S&TH all burst out laughing.) STRIDER: Talk about your goofy dialogue! FRODO: Well, it's perfect for the character... > "If you felt like I feel," said Tails with a heavy sigh, "you'd remember." SAM: I mean, it's not as if you'd dedicate more memory space to the destruction of your family, home, and complete way of life in a military firestorm than growing pains... > "Yeah, probably," said Rotor. "Sorry I can't help you more. FRODO: If you can't get help at Rotor, please - get help somewhere. > Did you talk to Bunnie~ STRIDER: And there's that "bunny tail" again. > about it? She's always real cheerful, real up all the time." SAM: IfyouknowwhatImean! > Tails just glared at him. FRODO: Girls are icky! > "She has midnight watch, SAM: IfyouknowwhatI ... oh, wait, I just did that one. Never mind. > so she's asleep yet, but..." Rotor noticed Tails' expression. FRODO: What was it? :-P ? STRIDER: >;) ? SAM: I'm thinking :-@ personally. > "Oh. Man-to-man. Right." He tapped a tusk. FRODO: See, I can play 'em like a xylophone! > "Well, maybe NICOLE has a male personality interface. SAM: Infobot! Yay! > She's got some old psych programs I could try out on you. STRIDER: Tails, meet Eliza... > It'd be good research." FRODO: Right now, Tails, you are a fox kit... but *I* can make you a guinea pig! Bwahahahaha! > "No, thanks." Tails got up to go. > "Well, g'night," said Rotor, not offended. "Try Sally. She's your Mom, > right?" > "No, she isn't." STRIDER: First of all, she's only like six years older than I am, and second, there's the species barrier, genius! SAM: Bloody fanboy. > He shrugged again. "Close enough." And he turned back to his work. > _Strike three_, Tails thought, and he wiped away a sudden, inexplicable > tear. STRIDER: Someone's throwing litter on the highway! > It was still hot out, and he was still feeling depressed when he got into > bed. SAM: Talk about "hot and bothered"! > He knew he had to be in bed before midnight, because if he didn't, Sally > might gently "suggest" he go to bed now. FRODO: And when Sally "suggests" something, it involves an iron maiden... > He couldn't bear that. No; that was wrong -- he couldn't STAND it. > He also had an erection, SAM: Hehehehe. He said - (Strider *WHAP*s Sam) STRIDER: Shut up, Samwise. Huh-huh-huh. > and it rubbed against the sheets. It just made him mad. He willed it to > go away, and it did. SAM: Wow, he's good! STRIDER: You just don't get hints, do you, Sam? SAM: What hints? STRIDER: I didn't think so. > On cue, Sally walked in without knocking. She started tucking him in. > "How about a story?" she asked brightly. FRODO: AAAH! It's an annoying twit! Someone call Queezowl! > He was startled at the cold wave of hatred STRIDER: Well, hatred is a dish best served cold. FRODO: With a nice side of pinto beans. > that washed through him SAM: New Angst-B-Gone washes through the depressed adolescent psyche and leaves a high-gloss shine! > at her patronizing words. He rolled over and gave her the evil eye. > Sensing his anger, she retreated. > "I just thought you looked down in the dumps, honey. FRODO: Oh, please, not Erato... STRIDER: What do you know about Erato?! FRODO: Too much as is! > Are you?" SAM: Well, not the dumps per se... more like the Knothole municipal landfill, really. > "No." He rolled over again so he was facing the wall. STRIDER: Noone will be seated during the intense rolling-over scene! > She patted the comforter. "Don't you want to talk about it? You know you > can talk to me about _anything_ you want." SAM: Why does that sound like a come-on? > Tails was silent. He knew she was right; if he came right out and told > her what was on his mind, she'd answer all his questions. FRODO: Well, then, why doesn't he? STRIDER: Search me... but I know he doesn't. The fic goes on for a while. > But... he couldn't bring himself to. It would be like -- like thinking of > his mother, and getting excited about it -- yuck. SAM: No, fanfic. I *refuse* to get into Tails's Sackville-Baggins complex! > On cue, his erection started to come back. ALL: GAHH! > His heart sank. SAM: Unlike, say, his - FRODO and STRIDER: Shut UP, Sam! SAM: Hey, what'd I do?! > Whatever chance he had to pose the question that night was gone. > "Honey?" STRIDER: Honey, I miss you, and I'm being good! > "I'm OK, Sally," he mumbled, feigning sleepiness. > "You sure? Are you having growing pains again?" STRIDER: No, and I'm not having any other dumb '80s sitcoms either! (There's moment of silence while Sam and Frodo stare at Strider.) FRODO: Um, maybe it's a Big Person thing, but what in Eru's name is a sitcom?! STRIDER: Later, Frodo, later. > He almost smiled. "No, Mom. I'm fine." > If she noticed what he'd called her, she didn't mention it. She stood and > went to the doorway. He could feel her standing there, watching him. The > thought of her in the doorway, silhouetted in the light, made him feel > prickly. SAM: Is that supposed to be a pu - no, wait, I won't say it. I'm in enough trouble for this one already. > Then she turned out the light and closed the door. > For a while he lay there, waiting for sleep to come. But it didn't, and > his erection didn't go away, either. It was one of those spontaneous > bones STRIDER: Oh, come *on*! Has anyone ever used the phrase "bone" beyond age 13? FRODO: Well, we really don't know how old Tails is, you know... > that came and went as it liked. SAM: It was a free citizen of the earth... > The only way to get rid of it was to ignore it, but there was nothing else > to focus his attention on. STRIDER: I liked it better when I was on Orcium! > The room was deathly quiet. It was hot, too hot for SAM: ... TV! > blankets anyway. He kicked off the comforter and tossed and turned under > the sheet. No way was he going to sleep for a while. He got out of bed > and sat up. His head hurt. He had never felt so black and blue at the > same time. FRODO: So, he's got headaches and bruises? Why didn't you just say so, fanfic? > And this wasn't a rational bad feeling like when he knew his parents were > gone forever. SAM: Yep, everything I knew and loved is dead. Never mind; I've got homework! > That was a black hole in his heart. STRIDER: It was a great disturbance in the Force - as if a million furries cried out at once and then were silent. > This was worse, a hard lump in his head, a dark voice in his ear, FRODO: A little black spot on the sun today... SAM: ... it's the same old thing as yesterday. STRIDER: Yup, in this fanfic, Tails truly is the King of Pain. > a burning cloud between his eyes that stopped thought. FRODO: My brain hurts! > He slapped at the sides of his face, as though trying to dislodge > mud-colored glasses. STRIDER: Wait... if an optimist sees through rose-colored glasses, and he sees through mud-colored ones, what does that make him? SAM: A realist? STRIDER: Well, either that or a _Beastmaster_ audience member. > It was just some stupid hormonal thing. Nobody had to explain _that_ > to him. > He angrily wiped another tear from his eye. He had no right to feel angry. > There were others, plenty others, FRODO: ... suffering from a lack of prepositions? > with lots more to complain about. But he didn't want to think about them > right now. STRIDER: SCREW Suzanne Sommers and her starving-kids ads! > He'd never been selfish before, and that just made him madder. FRODO: Being badly characterized just pisses me off... > "This is all _your_ fault," he snapped at his erection, which still bobbed > happily between his legs, ignoring his internal crisis. SAM: I believe that line practically riffs itself. > He got up and stood at the window, looking out at the quiet compound. FRODO: Compound?! Knothole's a prison camp?!? STRIDER: Noone expects the Knothole Inquisition! > Nothing moved; even the Forest FRODO: What happened to the obligatory 'Great'? > was silent tonight. STRIDER: Not a creature was stirring, not even an FXFerret. > The moon was coming into view overhead. It was almost full. SAM: Well, Gladys, if you insist, I can probably have one more bar... I'm not *that* full. > It drowned out the stars. > He looked up at the moon for a while. Then he climbed over the sill and > landed gently on the ground. The cool soil felt good under his bare feet. > He ran. STRIDER: "Prower's Run"... the exciting sequel to "Logan's Run". Hmm... that would explain why I need Sanctuary from this fic. FRODO: Run, Tails! RUN! SAM: Hey, if I was in this story, I'd be running for my life too... > He headed for the forest. FRODO: Wait a second... isn't the entire village in the middle of a huge freakin' forest? STRIDER: Maybe he's looking for *another* one. > He ran fast, FRODO: Um... sir, you dropped an adverb. > but quietly. SAM: Well, bare feet *do* help with noise. Trust me here. FRODO: Better yet, ask Shelob... SAM: Yeah! Preach it, brother! > NICOLE registered him with a subliminal blip STRIDER: Buy Husker Du! > as he crossed the perimeter, and then he was in the forest and couldn't > see the moon anymore. FRODO: That fact must have *some* significance... I'm just not sure what it is. > He headed for the pond. It was a hot night, and he'd go for a swim with > Sonic. Maybe this time he'd be more willing to talk. SAM: After all, I have... ways... of making him talk! > He wondered how he'd ask the question again, and what Sonic would say. STRIDER: Well, if he uses the phrase "Way past cool!", I'll scream. > There was a faint CRACK SAM: ... and then a vague ORCIUM, and after that a soft, weak PIPEWEED. > from the direction of the lake. > Now he remembered: Bunnie~ had midnight watch tonight, not Sonic. FRODO: Take notes; there shall be a quiz. > He slowed to a walk, but kept going. He'd wait till the power ring SAM: Power Ring?!? But we destroyed the One! FRODO: And the Three are all in Valinor with their bearers, and the Nine are long-gone... but maybe one of the Seven? > surfaced and she took it back to the compound. STRIDER: "The compound"? FRODO: It sounds as if Knothole's in the middle of an Orthanc prison block! SAM: Or the Tower of Cirith Ungol... FRODO: No. Sam. We. Are. *Not*. Talking. About. That. SAM: Manw', you're touchy today, Frodo. > Then he'd have the pool to himself, and he'd have his swim. > Another sound, the same one: an echoing CRACK. > He stopped, concerned. STRIDER: Why am I hearing so many illegal drugs? > There was probably no danger. The Forest would know, and it would let him > know. SAM: Oh, don't tell me this forest has Ents... FRODO: Maybe that's where the Entwives ended up. > But he couldn't identify the sound. STRIDER: Manw', Tails, it's in caps lock! How could you *not* recognize it? > He waited until it came again. > CRACK... > It was faint, FRODO: If it's faint, why is it in caps lock? > as if it were across the lake. It sounded like a stone falling > from a great height. STRIDER: Or possibly an anvil falling on his head... SAM: Yeah! This is a cartoon, after all! We want anvils! > Maybe the canyon wall was caving in? He resumed his walk, FRODO: Yep, no need to concern myself with what could be a village-destroying avalanche or cave-in. Nope, none at all. > aware that his erection was finally going down, SAM: Well, that's nice to know. We were all in *such* suspense. > and grateful to have something else to occupy his attention. The sound > kept coming: CRACK ... STRIDER: OK, anyone have another good drug joke? FRODO: Nope, not me. SAM: All out here. STRIDER: Good. This was about your last chance. > CRACK. > Finally he came to the edge of the trees. FRODO: The "Great Forest" must be about the size of the Bag End gardens if he got through it that quickly... > The pond lay before him, empty except for the instruments float Rotor had > moored in the middle last year. There was nothing on the float. STRIDER: THRILL to the suspenseful "Instruments Float Scene"! > He scanned the edge of the clearing and saw the glint of moonlight off > burnished metal. Bunnie~ ALL: Dunh dunh DUNNNHHHH! > was sitting with her big metal feet FRODO: Hey, at least they're not goblin feet! SAM: Badaching! > dangling off the bank, looking into the water. He drew back. He > didn't want to talk to her. > He looked at the water. There was something wrong with it. STRIDER: It's too watery! > There were too many ripples. Fish jumping? SAM: ... And jiving and wailing? > If so, there were too many fish. STRIDER: But... there can never be too many fish! FRODO: This message brought to you by the Fishy Cult. > A faint sigh came from Bunnie~. As he watched, she picked up a stone from > a pile next to her. She put it in her big left hand, the metal one. > Then, with a nonchalant flick of her wrist, blurred beyond vision, she > skipped the stone. It whizzed through the air SAM: But... shouldn't it touch the water if she's skipping it? FRODO: Maybe it just decided to *skip* the water completely! SAM: Oh, very funny. > as it crossed the pond in a single skip and CRACKED STRIDER: So, it's a rock that cracks? Would that make it a crack-rock? SAM: Oh, behave. > into the rocks on the opposite bank. Dust rose, faintly visible in bright > moonlight. > He watched, but she did nothing more. She just kept looking into the > water. FRODO: She's going all Mirror of Galadriel on us! SAM: Must not touch the water... > In a moment the faint ripples from where the rock had skipped crossed her > view and tickled the beach. She didn't move. > Curiosity warred briefly with privacy, and lost. He left the trees and > approached her. STRIDER: So, he opts for "privacy" yet decides to go on out? Is this some Bizarro World definition of privacy that I haven't heard before? > One of her ears moved to track him, FRODO: She's got periscopic ears! STRIDER: Creepy. > and she turned to greet him. > "Hi, sugar." SAM: And hi, salt. Are there any other condiments that would like greetings? > "Hi, Bunnie~." He came up next to her and studied her face carefully in > the moonlight. She seemed as cheerful as ever. STRIDER: Bunnie - the official Knothole Shallow Cheerleader Type. > "You're up late," she said. > "I couldn't sleep." > "Know what you mean." FRODO: Ah learned too late that No-Doze and a good night's sleep just don't go together! SAM: Gee, what was her first clue? > She patted the sand with her right hand. "Have a seat." STRIDER: Sadly, Bunnie didn't know that Tails was a kleptomaniac... FRODO: Thanks! Where should I take it? > He sat down. STRIDER: Stunning climax there, I see... our hero sits down. What excitement will develop next? > She picked up another rock and skimmed it out expertly; it > hummed with speed and disappeared with a CRACK and a puff of rock dust. SAM: Wow! Talk about casting the first stone! FRODO: Hope she isn't without sin! STRIDER: Frodo, think about what you're saying... > It would have killed him if it had been aimed at him. SAM: Or it could have put an eye out! STRIDER: It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt... > He leaned forward and looked at her left arm nervously. In throwing the > rock, it had swiveled on its own, independent of the rest of her. As if > something else, something harsh and exacting -- not sweet, soft Bunnie~ FRODO: Complete with sweet, soft vestigial tilde. > -- were in control. > "Is something wrong with your arm?" > She shook her head. "I just ain't movin' with it, sugar. Sorry if I > scared you." > She wasn't even looking at him, but she had divined his thoughts exactly. STRIDER: Ooooooh, scaaaaary, boys and girls! Are you scared? Count Floyd was scared! > He was struck by her empathy. FRODO: Ow! Hey, lady, watch it was that empathy! You just hit me! SAM: So... answer a question, and you instantly have incredible empathy. Yeah, sure... STRIDER: Let's get out of here. [They leave the Theater.]