[Door Sequence. OK, so I'm out of jokes. Bite me.] [SoL Bridge. Frodo and Sam are there alone, as in the last host segment.] FRODO: So, Sam, do you think we've got everything planned out? SAM: I hope so. We should be able to go back and get everything ready if Strider doesn't come... [Strider walks in from stage right.] SAM: ... back. Oh, poopie. STRIDER: Well, since you guys seem to be unwilling to help me out with my *great* host segment idea, I've had to devise an alternate plan. FRODO: Oh, *boy*... STRIDER: Anyway, instead we're going to discuss the many alternate uses of cybernetic limbs! Sam, you can start. SAM: OK. Ummmm... well, for starters, a cybernetic arm or leg would make a great lawn ornament! And it would make a nice birdbath too, although you'd have to watch out for short circuits, of course. Not to mention that a cybernetic arm would make one Mord' of a Garden Weasel! STRIDER: Ah, so we're on a lawn/garden theme. Any particular reason, Sam? [Sam mutters something in Kuduk we can't make out. Cambot flashes a subtitle at the bottom of the screen: "Oh, maybe because I'm a *gardener*..."] STRIDER: I'll take that as a no. Anyway, I think that, with the right attachments, a cybernetic limb could become the invention of your dreams. It could slice! It could dice! It could make julienne potatoes! Pets would love it too! And all for the *incredible* price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling! What a glorious dream for the future! Frodo, what do you think would be some alternate uses of cybernetic limbs? FRODO: Well, it could be useful as a paperweight, for one thing. STRIDER: A... paperweight? Wouldn't that be a bit... inconvenient? FRODO: Oh, not at all! I write left-handed anyway. STRIDER: Ummm... FRODO: And besides, wouldn't it be lovely to just *have* it back, even if it didn't have any alternate uses at all? Making the phantom go away, *that* would be nice. Mord', I could even add a laser... or a plasma pistol... I could... TAKE OVER THE WORLD! YES! Sweet revenge SHALL be mine with a cybernetic finger! YES! NEPENTE! NEPENTE! STRIDER: I should have known better than this! Uh, yeah, hehehe. Um, I'll be right back with some pills, Frodo. [Strider exits stage left. Frodo continues to cackle and pose for a few seconds - and then stops suddenly.] SAM: By Eru, you fake insanity well. FRODO: Why, thank you! Now, even though we're about to get Fanfic Sign, let's sneak into the theater before he comes back! [Frodo and Sam exit stage right. Fanfic Sign goes off to an empty bridge.] [Door Sequence] [Scene: SoL Theater. Frodo and Sam are seated. Suddenly, Strider comes running in.] STRIDER: Frodo? FRODO?! Where are you, Frod... Oh, there you guys are! Why do you keep running off like that? SAM: Um... we've got happy feet? STRIDER: Somehow, I sense that something's wrong. Oh, well. Let's get back to the story now. > He wondered if Rotor knew something he didn't. > "How come you're skipping rocks?" he asked. > "Hmmm?" She seemed distracted, staring at the surface of the water at her > feet again. FRODO: Bunnie ain't the brightest Palantir in Orthanc, is she? STRIDER: Duhh... I like Jell-O... > "Oh, just lonely. Well--" she smiled at him "--not lonely. I'm > just kinda starved for company, you know?" SAM: So... she's not lonely, but she is. This story is making my head hurt... > He said nothing. She picked up another rock and skipped it; its speed > caused it to bend through the air and go into the trees to the right. FRODO: Boy, today just seems to be *teeming* with adventures in physics... STRIDER: Look, I said I was sorry, all right? > This time, he noticed, she threw with a natural motion -- a motion he'd > always assumed was natural. FRODO: I'm sorry, folks, this story doesn't seem to be working out, so I'm switching to a treatise on robotic limb movement. > "Well, _I'm_ here," Tails said. He felt foolish, trying to cheer Bunnie~ > up. She smiled down at him again. "I know, sugar." SAM: I just find you so boring and bland that I consider you a nonentity! > There was a long silence, uncomfortable for him. She stared at the water. > Tails did too, but he saw only their reflections, disturbed slightly by > the ripples. FRODO: And, just coincidentally, disturbed slightly by the story as well. > "Tails," she asked, "what d'you think about me?" STRIDER: Well, Bunnie, you're one mean mother - SAM: Shut yo mouth! STRIDER: Just talkin' 'bout Bunnie! > "What?" > "About how I look." > "Well, I ... I dunno, Bunnie~." SAM: I mean, I'm trying not to say anything about the centerfo... oopsie. > She drummed her fingers on her right thigh, with a hollow metal sound. FRODO: Hey, Bunnie's her own percussion section! > "The only one here in Knothole who remembers me like I was originally, is > me. They all think of me as -- you know, cybernetic. STRIDER: And, after the Crockett-Kintobor-Gonterman debacle, being cybernetic is even more of a stigma than it was when it was just a symbol of our planet's evil dictator... > It was a while ago, FRODO: Three days, to be exact. We Freedom Fighters are not known for our memories... > and now I'm the only one who remembers me, the old me, the one I used to > be..." Tails was silent. Bunnie~ never talked like this. SAM: Wow! She's badly characterized! > "Well," she continued, "so everytime I see myself, everytime I see a > mirror, I see somebody I don't know. I see one of Robotnik's creatures. STRIDER: Say, did I mention PRIORITY ONE HEDGEHOG? > Plus part of a rabbit I used t'know." FRODO: Bongo! STRIDER: Her name is Little Bunnie / Her accent's rather funny / She has some cybernetic limbs / Um... their antifreeze is runny! SAM: Encore! Encore! > She wiped her nose. "And sometimes it catches me at a bad time and I get > so sick and sad and sorry that FRODO: ... I start alliterating! > there ain't nothin' to do 'cept skip rocks. You know what I mean, sugar?" SAM: Mah mama always said cybernetic limbs were like a box o' chocolates... > The forest said "yes" for him. STRIDER: No, actually, that's the Lorax. He speaks for the trees, you know. FRODO: Wow! Does he say "hoom" a lot? STRIDER: Well, no, not really... FRODO: What?! He must be a fraud! > He only nodded. > A great calm silence SAM: As opposed to, say, a rampaging silence out for blood? > seemed to descend on them FRODO: Crash! STRIDER: Bam! SAM: *THUD*! > as he pondered her words. He looked at Bunnie~'s reflection in the water. > She looked pretty from that angle, FRODO: The angle made her look pretty? Then it must have been an a-*cute* angle! STRIDER: Dear Eru, Frodo, that's the worst pun I've heard in months... > with her ears curved SAM: Yeah... her, uh, ears... hehehehe. > over her head like that. Like she was underwater, looking up at him. STRIDER: 20,000 Furries Under the Sea... SAM: Y'know, if I was more cynical, I'd say they belonged there. Preferably without an air supply. > From nowhere came the thought: A drowned rabbit. FRODO: Hey, I remember that stuff! It's great breaded, with some nice crescent rolls on the side... SAM: Mmmm... herbs and stewed Bunnie. > To distract himself from that image he picked up a rock next to him and > skipped it as hard as he could. It went seven skips, past the float, then > stopped and sank. STRIDER: Why is this story spending so much time on rock-skipping? Is this some kind of major plot point? FRODO: Say, what if there were no more rhetorical questions? STRIDER: Point taken. > "Good one," she said. > "You're better," she said. SAM: Why am I talking to myself? Hey, why not, it's fun! > She giggled, like a warm light in the gloom. STRIDER: Y'know, when even your laughter is radioactive, it's time to quit your job at the nuclear power plant. > He smiled, too. She patted him companionably on the thigh. SAM: Yeah, 'companionably'. Suuure... STRIDER: Face it, Sam, this story isn't going to become a lemon, no matter how much you want it to. FRODO: Lemon? What's this about citrus fruit? STRIDER: I'll explain later, Frodo. > "Listen, sugar. Here's a tough question. You up for a tough question > tonight?" SAM: C'mon, Bunnie, lay off! Antoine already gave me a pop quiz today! > "Sure, Bunnie~." > She picked up a largish stone in her left hand and held it before him. FRODO: If I hit you with this rock, would it be *basalt*? (Strider and Sam groan.) FRODO: Hey, whatever you do, don't start taking the puns for granite... (More groaning.) FRODO: Don't give up on me now, guys! I'm just starting to *rock*! STRIDER: Frodo, do you have some sort of death wish? FRODO: Manw', I didn't know you two were going to take a few puns so hard. > "Let's say you could give me my old limbs back. Permanently. Would you > do it?" He opened his mouth to answer, and she closed her metal claw, > crushing the rock to gravel. SAM: *That's* what happened to the last few furries that didn't answer the question correctly! > He stopped suddenly. > "Well?" Her expression was serious. STRIDER: Answer the question, capice? I don't want to introduce you to the six large men with baseball bats. > "Well, uh..." he stammered. > "Don't you like me?" > "Yes!" SAM: Are you sure this isn't the Love That Dare Not Yiff Its Name? > "But I'm pretty useful around here, aren't I?" > "I was just gonna say," he said lamely. FRODO: These people should start being more careful with their commas! People keep getting maimed! > "I guess I was supposed to..." > She nodded. "Plenty of times, without me to get us out of scrapes, we'd > be outta luck..." STRIDER: Destiny only knows that we don't need *more* Deus ex Machina to save us from inevitable demise! > "Uh, yeah." > She laughed, and tossed the gravel into the lake. "So what's your answer? > Yes or no?" SAM: Um... seventeen? 1066? The Battle of Bywater? The Krebs cycle? Help! > "I don't know. I can't just say ... I don't know what I'd do if it > happened." She brushed the rock dust from her left hand with her right > thoughtfully. > "Guess that means you're growin' up, sugar." FRODO: See, all adults are indecisive and lack reasoning skills! That's why we haven't even been able to pull off a simple raid, let alone topple Robotnik! > He looked up to see her smiling cockily at him. "About time; I was > wonderin' when you were gonna catch up to them blazin' hormones o' yours." > "What do you mean?" > "Well, you're such a kid. Can't be one no more, sugar. You're bustin' out > all over. (Sam starts snickering.) SAM: Hehe, wait... oh, never mind. We're almost going Crow Syndrome on this fic as is. I'll shut up. > When you gonna grow up?" STRIDER: I don't wanna grow up! I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid! > "I AM grown up." FRODO: Unfortunately, since I'm a furry, I might grow to 3 foot 6 tops, and I'll just get tripped over! STRIDER: Ooh, that's gotta bite... oh, wait, you know what you're talking about, don't you, Frodo? SAM: Be careful, Big Guy! One day we might have to send Merry and Pippin after you with ice picks... > He crossed his arms angrily. "But nobody knows it." STRIDER: You've got a secret smile, and you use it only for me! > "Sally?" she guessed. SAM: Well, actually, when I said "nobody", I meant absolutely nobody... but yeah, I guess Sally would fit in there. > "Yeah." FRODO: You know, the more of this story we read, the more the dialogue just astounds me with its depth and originality! > Her eyes twinkled. "She thinks of you as her kid, y'know. Tough to let > go." STRIDER: Uh, isn't she like 17 herself? That's a little early for empty nest syndrome. > He sulked. She ruffled the hair on the back of his neck. SAM: Ah, "Tail": a random amalgamation of fine motor skills and, occasionally, dialogue. > "You just keep workin' on her. She'll relax. STRIDER: Why? Because... Frankie Say "Relax"! FRODO: You're almost up to your limit of stupid references, you know. STRIDER: This one any better? She should repeat to herself, "This is just Sonic, I should really just -" FRODO: Not really, but a little better, I guess. > You're just growin' out of those shoes too fast. SAM: Although she still hasn't figured out that, you know, you really don't need them... that Sally, nice, but a little slow in the head. > She didn't expect to lose you so quick." FRODO: Well, then, shouldn't she just go and look in the Knothole Lost & Found? > "Thanks, Bunnie~." He hoped she would leave her hand on the back of his > neck. SAM: So do we, Tails. Then there's a chance, however small, that she might just "accidentally" strangle you. > "My pleasure." She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. "You ever > have anythin' to talk about, you know where to find me." STRIDER: And, in conclusion... y'all come back now, y'hear? > The electric shock of her kiss SAM: Hey, kid, that's what you get dealing with cyborgs. > froze his smile on his face and turned his brain to stone. As she turned > away and stretched, he could feel his blood fizzing in his veins. STRIDER: Hehe. Ol' Sparky kills 'em every time. > He'd been handling it so well! He'd found someone to > talk to, he was making progress -- FRODO: After all, if I just resolve my problem and therefore complete the plot arc, the story will end and I'll be free! > and now she'd turned into a _girl_! SAM: Bunnie's a were-human? FRODO: Gahh - turning into Big Folk on the full moon?! That's a scary thought! > He could feel his erection coming back, STRIDER: Well, thanks for sharing, fanfic. > and desperately wished something would happen, like a sinkhole swallowing > him up, or a meteor knocking his head in or something. SAM: Hey, Tails, we're behind your death wish all the way! > Bunnie~, oblivious, skipped another stone. CRACK. FRODO: ... thereby setting the stage for the first Knothole drug bust. STRIDER: Hide, dude! It's the fuzz! FRODO: Tim Benzedrino! Hashberry! NOOOOO!!! > Finally he got himself under control. He wondered if she had noticed > anything. He felt like he'd been through a clothes-wringer. The insides > of his thighs itched mightily, SAM: Cortisone 10. For itches in... embarrassing places. > but he wasn't going to scratch them, huh-uh. STRIDER: Look! Tails turned into Butt-Head! > "Look," she said, pointing downward. FRODO: This is where the fish lives! > He looked. STRIDER: See Tails look. Look look look. SAM: See Sam scream in frustration. Scream scream scream. > Their reflections were there, and that of the moon. FRODO: ... and the red balloon, and the comb, and the brush, and the bowl of mush. > The ripples from the stone's strike began to cross their images, rippling > and distorting them. A raindrop fell. STRIDER: You know, I'm only happy when it rains. > He looked up, startled, and realized it was a tear. Bunnie's. FRODO: Aww, this deserves some background music. Howzabout "Tears of a Dork"? SAM: No objections here! > "When it's all blurry, if I don't look too close, I can almost see my old > self," she said softly. "The way I was. All back together." STRIDER: As a jigsaw puzzle, these things are very important to me. However, the putz who assembled me last time lost one of my edge pieces in the shag carpet. Oh, Tails, hold me! > He wondered what he should do. He felt like comforting her, but she > didn't seem to need it. Nothing in her attitude suggested she couldn't > handle her demons alone. SAM: Oh mah stahs! This entire level is filled with Cacodemons! Ah'm sure glad Ah got that rocket launcher! FRODO: Why the accent? SAM: Why not? > "I'm sorry," he said, finally. STRIDER: Yep, you sure are sorry! > She shook her head firmly. "Sugar, you ain't got nothin' to be sorry > about. Me, neither. Lots o' folks deserve it more." SAM: Um, deserve *what*? Are they actually giving out limbs or something? FRODO: If so, I want on the waiting list! SAM: I said *limbs*, Frodo. Not digits. FRODO: Awwww, dang. And I was so close... > "I know." > She looked sidelong at him. "Honey, you feelin' OK?" > "Why?" > She studied him. STRIDER: Tails - Bunnie's bio lab partner or bio lab *project*? You be the judge! > "Sometimes feelin' sorry for someone else is a way to cover > up feelin' sorry for yourself." SAM: Excuse me - when did Robo-Rabbit become the font of wisdom? STRIDER: Yeah... she's making Yoda look young and naive! FRODO: Do or do not! There is no "try"! > He bit his lip. She put her arm around his newly broad shoulders and > kissed his cheek, then snuggled against him in a motherly way. STRIDER: Oh, no. Again, fanfic, I *refuse* to recognize Tails as having an Oedipus complex! SAM: Hey, sometimes a roboticizer is just a roboticizer... > It was no doubt intended to be reassuring, but his hormones were utterly > carbonated by now. STRIDER: Mmm... refreshing carbonated hormones! > Her left hand, apparently oblivious, FRODO: You see, it doesn't know what the right hand is doing. > picked up another stone and skipped it. > The CRACK cleared his mind a bit. SAM: Hey, isn't it LSD that's supposed to do that? > He looked down at her. Her body leapt into > focus in the bright moonlight, with just enough shadows lingering on her > suit and fur to make her mysterious. STRIDER: Uh oh... I think we just stepped into a Harlequin novel! ALL: Aaaaaaahhh! > Desire, unfamiliar but exquisite, flared through him. He felt himself > getting hard again. FRODO: Uh, doesn't Tails know that rabbits and foxes are mortal enemies? SAM: It's "Kevin and Kell: The Red Shoe Diaries"! > "Bunnie~?" The question came jerkily. "What'd you mean about 'having > company'?" STRIDER: OK, I decree no "breeding like rabbits" jokes from here on. SAM: Awwww... > She pursed her lips, sleepily. "Well... I dunno, sugar. I just... I > haven't had a real, best friend in a while." She paused, then continued > thoughtfully: "You know, like, Antoine and Sal are friends, STRIDER: Ah, yes, Antoine: the official Knothole "gay best friend" figure. > but Sal and Sonic, they're real best friends. Confidin' friends. You > pick up on that?" SAM: Uh... Mrs. Bunnie Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? > Well, duh, he thought. Aloud he said, "What about Rotor? You're always > in his workshop talking." STRIDER: Uh, talking... that's it... I gotta remember not to tell you about the hidden cam... oopsie. > She shook her head, rubbing her face against him. An ear drooped against > his face. "Rotor? He's only interested in my body." SAM: But... he said himself he reads _Playlagomorph_ for the articles! > Lightheaded from the close contact, he mumbled, "Yeah, that's what he > said." > She giggled. "I bet!" FRODO: Oh Eru... a rabbit and a walrus... what would the children look like? STRIDER: Gah! That image is worse than Pinky and Pippi Longstocking! > She sat up and snickered until she coughed. FRODO: The stress of living in Robotnik's smog-covered hemisphere finally got to Bunnie's lungs, I see. > "That Rotor! He'll be a little kid till he's an old man." SAM: Why are they anthropomorphosizing everything if they're all animals? Shouldn't they be doing the exact opposite? > "What about Sonic?" Tails asked. He was suddenly anxious to keep the > conversation going. STRIDER: Huh huh huh, I'm talking with a chick. Huh huh huh. I'm gonna score. > Maybe if he did... maybe she would put her head back on > his shoulder. She was sitting _right_ next to him. They were almost > touching! SAM: Manw', these Mobians make the inhabitants of Lothlorien look like sexual revolutionaries! > Think about something else, for Mobius' sake! FRODO: So... he swears on his planet? STRIDER: Talk about your new age religion... > "Shallow," she said in dismissal. SAM: Three words, Bunnie: Pot. Kettle. Black. > "And a real jerk sometimes, too. Always rushin' off, riskin' himself over > damnfool things." STRIDER: You mean all the pointless raids on Robotropolis? Oh, those are just for quota. > It took him a second to remember they were discussing Sonic. "But he > thinks you're cool." > "He thinks I'm someTHING cool. Not someONE cool. FRODO: And we think neither, actually. > I can't remember ever havin' an intelligent conversation with that guy. STRIDER: Um, since when did anyone expect an intelligent conversation from a video game hero? Or did Super Mario just get his doctorate in philosophy? > Don't know what Sally sees in him." > "What about Sally?" > "Sally!" Just a faint twinge of cattiness appeared in her voice. SAM: Faster, Bunniecat! Kill! Kill! > "Never much liked my mother, y'know? FRODO: Of course, I *was* the middle child of a family of 50... > Sal's a mom ... or thinks she is ... plus, she's all brains 'n no brawn, STRIDER: Well, seeing as her head is almost the size of her body, what else would she be? > so there's no way to relate, there. We ain't gonna do > bench presses together ... what am I supposed to do? Play chess?" SAM: You know, we're all just pawns, although upon which chessboard we can never know. Pippin told me that once. STRIDER: Funny... I never took you for a philosopher, Sam. SAM: Well, I'm just a gardener, but I dabble. > Tails smiled. FRODO: Smilitis... paralyzing... > Bunnie~ skipped another stone. "I ain't no mental giant but I know she > wouldn't think I'm so darn special if I wasn't so darn strong. She's a > princess. What do you expect from a princess?" STRIDER: Oh, I don't know... a Princess Phone, maybe? Chaching! > "...Antoine?" > She snorted, as if that were all that needed to be said. Apparently it > was. SAM: Of course, Bunnie doesn't know Antoine's secret alter ego: Mr. B. Natural. > "Well..." Tails swallowed. "What about me, Bunnie~? Can't we be friends?" STRIDER: You see, I've seen you standing in the welfare line, and I remember when you drank my wine! Why can't we be friends? FRODO: Let's get out of here. [They leave the Theater.]