Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's That Time of the Year! By Razorback Jack (insert the theme song to any of the MST3K shows) Mike: Hi, this is Mike on the Satellite of Love! And these are my robots, Tom, Crow, Gypsy, and of course, Cambot. Bots: Hi. Mike: Anyway, we're preparing to go shopping for Christmas! Tom: But Christmas isn't for another two months! Mike: Well that won't stop us, right Crow? Crow: Assuming you don't go for those hookers... Tom: What was that? Crow: Nothing Tom! (A red light shines) Mike: Oh look, Willy Wonka and the Oompa-Loompa are calling. (Mike switches on the viewscreen) (Deep 13) Dr. Forrestier: How dare you say I look like Gene Wilder! Speaking of which, have I melted your brains like chocolate candy yet? (Satellite of Love) Mike: No, they're still here. Tom: Crow's vintage cereal collection is another story. Crow: Can I help it if Gypsy was HUNGRY?! (Deep 13) Dr. Forrestier: ENOUGH!! (Satellite of Love) All: YIPE!! Crow: Ow! Hey! Don't yell so loud! (Deep 13) Dr. Forrestier: Tonight I decided to spare you the movies... (Satellite of Love) All: *celebrating* Hallelujah!! Crow: There IS a God! Mike: *opening wine bottle* Time to PARTY!! Gypsy: Got more gumballs Tom? Tom: No. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrestier: But I'm giving you something worse...FAN FICTION!! (Satellite of Love) (The temperature drops, the mood goes stale, and the wine inexplicably turns into vinegar) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Mike: Please tell me Ratliff isn't writing this time... (Deep 13) Dr. Forrestier: Tonight, you're going to be reading (or listening, in any case) to a Sonic story for the holidays! It's called "It's That Time of Year," and it was written by one Marcus Pepin. Enjoy, or else! (Satellite of Love) Crow: Who? (Suddenly...) Mike: AAA! RUN!! FAN-FICTION SIGNS!!! (Alarms blare as everyone panics) (Door 6: A wall of dirt collapses and buries someone) (Door 5: Razorblades fly to destroy iron bars) (Door 4: Brain matter is zorched by electricity) (Door 3: Dirty magazines burn away) (Door 2: Bombs detonate and explode in a brilliant hue of color.) (Door 1: The ever popular VAULT!) (Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the theater and sit back to begin mocking everything, as usual) >IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR! Mike: What time? Tom: Tax time? Mike: Time for a new watch? Crow: Time to eat rancid meat? Tom: Time to watch Alan Greenspan eat pork chops? Mike: Is it just me, or is this going to be lame? >By Marcus Pepin Crow: The same Marcus who those guys were trying to #@$! in Pulp Fiction? Mike: No Crow...that was Marcus Marcellus. Tom: No, it's Marcellus Marcus, you boob! Mike: How dare you say I look like a female reproductive organ! Crow: HUALP! >Thursday, December 22nd. Crow: EGG NOG!! >Sonic and his friends are preparing for that time of year where there >is joy, happiness and tranquillity. Tom: Tranqulity? On Christmas? Where's THIS guy been? Mike: Obviously, he's been... All: *singing* To the edge of nowhere and baaaaaaaack! >"Sonic! Hold still!" >"I am trying T2!" Crow: A TERMINATOR CROSSOVER?! Mike: Dang, just when I was beginning to get that out of my head... >Sonic and Tails are trying to hang up Christmas lights over Sonic's >hut while it is snowing. Sonic, on the bottom, is holding Tails by his >feet instead of using a ladder cuz' Sonic thought he would be able to >hold him up. Crow: And Clinton thought he could avoid a scandel... >But to Sonic's surprise, Tails has grown and has got heavier since he >has picked him up last. Tom: Yes, it's the exclusive fat build-up program! Just eat until you want to puke, and WE take care of the rest! Crow: (Danny Devito) I tried it 10 years ago, and now look at me. Mike: Don't go there... >"Man, you sure have (Grunt) Grown!" >"I am a growing kid! What do you expect me to do, shrink?!?" >"(Grunt) No, just, (Grunt) I don't think I can hold you any longer!" Crow: (Sonic) I'm sorry buddy, I'm not holding you to put up lights...I'm trying to build my muscles. Tom: (Tails) HAH! You call those twigs muscles?! Look at THESE babies! Crow: (Sonic) Maybe I ought to show you my... (Mike clamps Crow's mouth shut) >Tails' foot slips out of Sonic's hand and he falls to the ground, >completely covered in snow. Sasha then walks over to them. "Where is >Tails? I thought he was helping." Tails' head then pops up and his >whole face is covered in snow. Mike: New culinary standards, eh? Crow: Yes, eat Sno-thing To Lose, and lose 50 pounds in under a week! Tom: (Meryl Streep) I began using Sno-thing To Lose last year, and now look at me! Mike: Did we use this gag already? Crow: No, but it's suspiciously similar to the one before the last one... >He shake it off just as Sasha notices him. "Tails, what are you doing >down there?" >"He fell." Sonic answers for him. >"Well, he was moving too much and he dropped me!" Crow: He's not the only one who's been dropped... >Sasha giggles and says as Tails get up "You look like a miniature snow >fox!" Tom: (sarcastically) Oh, THAT'S original. >Tails grumbles to him self and walks into Sonic's hut and says "I am >getting the ladder." >"Hey, you two are doing pretty well." >"Yea, but he has gotten really heavy!" >"I thought you were strong? I can pick up Tails easily!" >"Uh, well... Hey did you get that ladder yet?!" Sonic says, trying to >get off the subject. All: *singing* Sonic's really weeaaak, Sonic's really weeaaak... >"Hey wait for me!" Sasha says as she runs into the hut. >"Hey, why did you leave out there to freeze?" >"Sorry. Anyway, hey Sash, can I talk to you privately?" >"Sure Sonic." They walk outside. Crow: Weren't they already outside? Mike: Outside of what? Tom: THEIR TINY LITTLE MINDS!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! (Mike and Crow cringe) Crow: Cut it out! Mikey, make the bad man go away! Mike: You sound like the Doctor when you do that...so just chill. >"Hey Sonic, could you get my coat from..." Sonic zooms off, and is >back. "Our hut?" >"This one?" Sonic holds up Sasha's coat. >"Yea, it seems like you are getting faster every day Sonic!" Crow: Faster? In what way? Is Sonic keeping some sort of scandal away from us? Tom: Uh-oh...I feel a lemon coming on...*starts smoking* Mike: Crow... Crow: What?! That wasn't offensive, and I can have the censors verify it! Tom: Oh. Whew. >Sasha says as she puts her coat on. "Yea, I train hard when I get the >chance. hey," Sonic whispers, "do you know what I can get for Sally? >cuz' I am stumped." Crow: (Sasha) Sonic, I never knew you were a tree! Tom: Crow, that was the stupidest remark I have ever heard. Crow: Thank you. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Mike: And I thought PENDERS had problems...sheesh... >"well, why don't you get her something that will help her out that she >really needs." >"well, she did say that she needed a new strap for Nicole." >"there you go Sonic, you already got one present for her." >"one?!?" Crow: I know what Sonic wants... Tom: Uh-oh... (Tom begins to vibrate violently, and the smoking resumes, but more so) Mike: Crow... Crow: Crash 'n burn, Tom! Tom: Q-q-quiet! >"yea, she usually likes at least 3 presents. Crow: A bikini, a pair of boxing gloves, and enough Vasaline to coat Alaska. Tom: I don't get it. Mike: Don't worry. You wouldn't want to know anyway... >you should know that." >"Well, O.K." >Then Tails walks out there with the ladder. "All right, let's get >started." >Tails takes the ladder and stands it up. Tom: He stood up a ladder?! Mike: (Jar Jar Binks) How wude! Crow: You're starting to scare me Mike... >He climbs up it and tells Sonic, "Sonic, please hold this still. If I >fall, you will be de..." >Tails falls down, back into the snow because Sasha threw a snowball >into his face. All: *singing* REVENGE OF THE WOMEN!! (WOMEN!) REVENGE OF THE WOMEN!! >She giggled as he said, "I'll let that slide because your my fiance. >But don't do that. O.K.?" >"All right, I wont do that again right now, see ya later loverboy!" Crow: Tails has...a...fiance?! Mike: The world snores... Tom: Crow, you're a genius! Crow: What? Why? Tom: You just cured the world of insomnia! Crow: Err... >"Oooooo, hello loverboy!" >"Shut up and help me do this." >They finish putting up the Christmas lights and head for Tails' hut to >do the same. Crow: Who knows what they will do in...THE HUT! Tom: AAAARGH! *head explodes* Mike: Crow! Crow: What?! >While they do that, Sally is scouting the edge of Robotropolis with >Bunnie and Ant at around 7 o'clock at night in their speeder. They are >nearing the end just as Sally says "Hey, why don't we go check out >that place over there?" >"But shugah-Sal, that place we can't go because it is to close to >Robotropolis." Mike: (Bunnie) Besides, ah haven't finished with my lil' ol' makeup! >"Hey, we haven't gone there yet, and I say we go." >"Nononono," Antoine says, shaking like crazy, "eet eez to dark and >scaring for me to go in!" >"Don't tell me you're shakin' all over?" >"Eet eez the cold!" >"Yea right." Mike: (Sally) Admit it! You're faking it! Crow: (Antoine) No! I'm just wearing clothes made out of ice cubes! Mike: (Sally) OK, I'll forgive you...wait, they don't make that kind of suit... Crow: (Homer Simpson) D'oh! >"C'mon, let's go!" She drive towards the area at a pretty high >speed."You are startin' to get as bold as Sonic Sally girl!" >"I might be, but it doesn't hurt me! Like they say, 'What doesn't hurt >you only makes you stronger!'" (Mike finishes with Tom) Crow: Stronger? In what, odor? Mike: Now that was uncalled for. >They speed off into the area just as Bunnie notices a small house-like >structure. >"Hey ya'll, look over there!" >"What is that Bunnie?" >"Ah don't know. Let's turn back!" Tom: Great, instead of a cyborg rabbit, we have a cyborg chicken. Mike: Quiet! I'm getting flashbacks from "Lost in Cyberspace!" (All shudder) >"Don't tell me you're gettin' like Ant!" Crow: Getting like an ant? What kind of clever saying is that? Tom: Maybe Sally's on to the relationship between Antoine and Bunnie. Crow: No, she's known it since before THIS was written! >"Hey!!!" Mike: (Antoine) Eees for horses! Tom: (Dennis Leary) You know what? I'm sick of people who say dumb things and don't know it. I'm sick of lame stories with no plot and excessive grammatical errors. I'm sick of authors who write stuff that makes the STARR REPORT look good. Crow: Tom, you're starting to scare me... Tom: Serves ya right, ya bum! >Antoine says as Sally laughs Mike: So hard that her brains explode, ending this horrible fan-fic. Crow: No dice, old buddy. Tom: Actually, I'm starting to like this. Crow/Mike: FAN BOY! >Sally stops the speeder and they get off. All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! >They walk to the object and Sally says, "Hey, this looks like it was >left here when Mobotropolis was here. Let's go inside!" All: Oh. What a relief... Crow: It coulda been worse... (Tom and Mike eyes Crow suspiciously) Crow: What?! >She walks up to the door and tries to open it. A stranger inside >notices the noise and walks over to the door with a laser gun by his >side. He is a young hedgehog, Tom: But decided to keep the fact secret, but he couldn't keep it because everyone knew him too well! >with robotic legs that are covered with pants so no one would know, >and 2 out-of 8 of his quills are also roboticized. Specifically, the >ones on his back. He holds his hand near his gun as he opens the >door. He opens it real quick and draws his gun. He points it straight >at Sally's head. Mike: He pulls the trigger, kills Sally, then shoots the author. Tom: (Grahmn Chapman) WE'VE DONE THAT!! >"Who are you and what do you want?" >"I am Princess Sally Acorn and I was..." >"Yea right, the princess was killed along Crow: With any hope of ever forgiving the author for this horrid piece of crap. >time ago during the war." >"I assure I wasn't Crow: (Sally) Stalking Ken Penders. Tom: (Ken) HADOKEN!! Mike: Wrong Ken, Tom. Tom: (Homer Simpson) D'oh! >Now please put your gun away." >"I won't until you have some proof of your claim." >She pulls out a picture of her and her dad, the king, out of her back >pack that she keeps as good luck. He looks at the picture and lowers >his gun. Mike: (Hedgehog) Whoops! Tom: (Sally) Now why'd you go off and shoot your foot? Mike: (Hedgehog) I didn't do it, it's the gun's fault! Crow: (Obscure Russian) You Americans and your customs make me want to puke. >"I am sorry princess, I have to take extreme caution if I am to live >around here." >"It is understandable, may I come in?" >"Of course princess." Crow: The next day, when the police burst in... Mike: Crow... Crow: I didn't finish! Mike: I know. >She walks in as he puts his gun in his holster, as she says "This is a >nice place you have here." >"Yea, but it needs to be cleaned. You don't mind, do you?" >"No I..." >The being takes off really quickly, a speed to rival Sonic's. Tom: Someone's gotten to be as fast as Sonic? Mike: Either that, or Sonic's an old fogie. All: FOGIE! FOGIE! >He then stops right in front of Sally just as she finishes. "don't >mind." Sally stops with awe on her face. "How did you do this?" >"Sit down, please." They all sit down Crow: They ALL sit down? Mike: Well, it isn't quite as bad as Ratliff's spelling... Crow: AAAA!! You speak the name of the reviled one! Tom: A pox on thy first-born! Fie! Mike: The things I have to put up with around here... >and he begins, "You see, I was captured when I was 4 during the >takeover a man named Ivo Robo.." >"Robotnik." >"Yes, how did you know?" Mike: (Sally) Because I am...THE SHADOW! (Crow whistles the theme music to The Shadow while Tom supplies a bass beat) Mike: OK, that's enough. Robots: Ohh... >"We will tell you later, please, continue." >"I was brought to the Roboticizer and it slowly whirred as it began to >roboticize me slowly. As you can see, I was partly roboticized because >I cut through the glass with a move I call 'Chainsaw'. Crow: (Environmentalist) SEIZE THE INFIDEL HEDGEHOG! Tom: (Environmentalist) SEIZE HIS CHAINSAW! Mike (Environmentalist) LONG LIVE JAMES FINN GARNER!! (The 'bots look at Mike) Mike: What?! I like "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories!" Crow: Sure you do... >It is when I spin in a circle really fast in mid-air. All: PLAGIARIST!! >I ran around and through all the robots that were in front of me. I >escaped into the edge where I am now and have lived here ever since. >Now answer my question. How do you know about Dr. Robotnik?" >"You see, Crow: No, I don't. What is it? Tom: That was lame. Crow: YOU DARE CALL MY WORK LAME?! Tom: Yes. Crow: Oh. >I am the leader of a rebel force known as the Freedom Fighters." >"You lead the legendary Freedom Fighters?!? Mike: (Sally) Yeah, so what? I don't even get PAID for it! >So you would know a person that I am very close to." >"Is it Sonic the Hedgehog?" >"Is that what they call him?" >"Yes, can you tell him his real name?" Tom: (Hal 9000) I'm afraid I can't do that, Sally. >"You mean you don't know?" >"No, we don't" >He thinks to himself, and replies "I am sorry, but I can't tell you." Tom: GAD! I did the exact same thing the AUTHOR did! Mike: The world stiffens. Crow: Aha! An earthquake prevention service! (Mike and Tom eye Crow suspiciously) Crow: What? >"Why?" >"Knowing him, he won't want me to. You see, I am his brother." Crow: Great, first we find out that Tails is engaged, now Sonic has a brother! Tom: The world turns. Mike: Is it just me, or did that make no sense? Crow: The latter, knowing Tom. Tom: Yeah, I...hey... Crow: BITE ME! >Sally looks at him with a stupid look on her face. Crow: (Sally) Duh, I'm so stupid... Mike: (Dr. Forrester) BWAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE SUCCEEDED! HER BRAIN IS NO MORE!! NOW I CAN RULE THE WORLD!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Bots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Mike: Geez, sorry, just chill! >"Are you serious?" >"Very. My name is Akeela. I am 17, and have lived with Sonic for two >years of his life. I don't think he remembers me." Mike: (John Cleese) Of course he doesn't, you bloody farie! Tom: (Grahmn Chapman) Right, stop that! It's silly! Crow: (Michal Palin) Aren't you supposed to be dead? Tom: (Grahmn Chapman) No, I'm a politician. I can't die. Mike: (John Belushi) Said JFK in Houston... Crow: Alright, assassination! Tom: Quick! Wire the KGB a dead skunk! Mike: Pierce Pierce Brosnon! (The bots look at Mike) Tom: Why'd you say his first name twice? Mike: (Obi-Wan Kenobi) I didn't. You're only meant to think I did. Crow: Whatever. >"Hey, since you are his brother, why don't you live with us, the >Freedom Fighters." >"Are YOU serious?!? It would be a great honor Crow: To write a good script for this story. Tom: Crow, you're on to something. Mike: Quick! To the Phone! >my princess." Tom: HIS princess?! Akeela isn't SUPPOSED to have a PRINCESS!! Crow: Quiet...leave it to a master like me! Mike: Congratulations, you've won the overstatement of the year award! Crow: (Homer Simpson) D'oh! Tom: How many times have you used that line tonight?! Crow: Three, I think. Mike: Then keep it there. Crow: (Homer Simpson) D'oh! >"Well then, I guess it is settled. Do you want a new hut, or do you >want us to move this house to Knothole?" >"I guess we could try to move my house to Knothole." >"O.K., I'll call Rotor." Mike: The one thing that bothers me is that the Princess of a kingdom would trust a moving job to a mechanic instead of a bonafide moving man! Crow: Hey, chill out, it's only fan fiction! >She pulls out Nicole and says, "Nicole, contact Rotor." >"Working....." Crow: This long pause bothers me. Tom: EVERYTHING bothers you. Crow: Yeah, but this tops many of them. Mike: Get a life! >"\{Hello?\}" Tom: Hello yourself, blubber boy. Crow: This reminds me of trying to use a Cell Phone. Mike: Either that, or the communications standards for this fan-fic are screwed up. All: Y2K BUG STRIKES! AAAAAAAAAA! Tom: Actually, this reminds me of talking to Phil Donahue. Mike: You've never talked with Phil Donahue. Tom: My point exactly! (Mike and Crow groan) >"It's me, Sally. Ready the invisibility shield and bring it to >quadrant 4, sector 24, 15." >"\{Right on it Sally.\}" >She folds Nicole and puts it back on her boot. Tom: Must be pretty painful for that engineer. Mike: Notice the "it." >"They will be here soon, let's go get the speeder ready." >They walk outside, and Akeela says "How are you gonna get my house, on >that?" >"Watch." Tom: No, I won't. >She pulls out a small controller and clicks a button. Then the machine >whirrs, and the back end becomes a very big platform. Then she pulls >out Nicole and says "Nicole, begin house transfer." >"Starting....." Then Akeela's house starts to lift from the ground and >slowly moves towards the speeder. When it finally arrives at it's >destination, they secure it using the gravity machine to hold the >house in place. Crow: Agh! A Plausible Impossibility! Tom: No, they forgot to pay their gravity bill! Mike: I think there's a trend going on here. Crow: I'll say. Tom almost always seems to wind up with the lousy lines this time round. Tom: Well, it's better than getting NO lines! Mike: C'mon, let's get out of here. And I think there's gonna be a commercial... (Mike and the Bots leave, then go through the entire door chain) -Commercial- Boy: Bye Mom, I'm going to school! Mom: Not without your lunch dear! Boy: Ohh, Mom? It isn't peanut-butter and jelly again, is it? Mom: Nope! Today, you're getting SPLAT! Boy: SPLAT? Alright!! Announcer: Introducing SPLAT, Spreadable Lips Anuses and Teets. Moms love it 'cause it spreads like butter. Kids love it 'cause it goes down easy! And most importantly, it uses parts of animals usually bound for the trash heap, and in today's waste-conscious society, that means something! Chorus: Spreadable Lips Anuses and Teets... All: SPLAT!! >FART!< Chorus: The yummy alterna-meat! Announcer: And remember, if it spits, craps, or squirts, it's in there! Disclaimer: SPLAT lunch-meat has been linked to cancer, blindness, anxiety, and male pattern baldness in laboratory rats! Stay tuned for more! (Satellite of Love) Crow: (Grahmn Chapman) Alright alright alright, my name is police constable 'Enry Thatcher, and THIS is a raid. Mike: What are you two up to? Crow: Oh, we're just plagiarizing a Monty Python sketch so we can add some humor to this for one! Tom: (Eric Idle) You were saying? Mike: Enough, we have enough problems as it is! Gypsy: (John Cleese) And now for something completely different. Mike: That goes for you too! Gypsy: (Homer Simpson) D'oh! Mike: We'd better get our invention ready. (Red light) Mike: Well, we'd better see on the Rats of Nihm... (Screen tunes in on Dr. Forrester and the substitute for his bungling assistant...Homer Simpson?) (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: A rat, am I? Well, we'll see WHO'S the rat after this week's Invention Exchange! Homer! The invention! Homer: Ah, but doctor, I haven't finished eating yet! Dr. Forrester: I don't care about your dinner...by the way, you pay's been decreased. Homer: D'oh! Dr. Forrester: *under his breath* Frank did this job better... *normal* Well, what have you got there? (Satellite of Love) (Mike's holding some strange device that looks suspiciously like a baseball bat with wires attached) Mike: Well, this week we introduce... All: THE BOOBY BAT! Crow: Do you know someone who plays baseball? Do you hate the person? Tom: Well, just sucker 'im into...I mean, give him the Booby Bat. It is a finely tuned device that explodes when a baseball connects with it. Watch as Crow demonstrates. Crow: (Dumb guy) Hey, look at me, I'm playing baseball! Duh, throw da ball! (Tom tosses a baseball right at Crow. Crow hits it with the bat, and an explosion occurs. However it propels the baseball into Gypsy's mouth, causing her to choke) Gypsy: Gag! I'm...choking...good-bye, cruel world... Mike: Gypsy, robots can't choke! Gypsy: They can't? Oh, hehe...I knew that. (Crow lies with his head gone, so Mike repairs him) Tom: Yes, and it all comes down to a barrel of fun! Just be glad we don't whack you with it right now! Order today! (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Well, you seem to be going down my road. I recall that one of my first inventions was a booby trap basketball. Try a slam dunk, KABOOOOM! (An explosion is heard in the distance, and Homer walks in charred) Homer: Good for nothing bat. It blew up when I tried to hit a ball! Dr. Forrester: Well, I have my own invention...HOMER! FETCH! (Dr. Forrester throws a donut at the invention. Homer, like a dog, rushes for it. He grabs it after it hits the machine. Then Homer picks up the machine and brings it to Dr. Forrester) Dr. Forrester: Behold! The Dimensporter! (Sattelite of Love) Mike: Uhm, somebody beat you to the punch. (Deep 13) Dr. Forrester: Never mind that! It was only a movie! Mine is real, and is basically like a teleporter. I can bring people from anywhere I choose at the push of a button! Watch! (Dr. Forrester takes up a control pad and pushes a button. Then a teleportation process begins, and eventually a black-furred Mobian wolf appears in Wolf Pack gear) Wolf: Whoa, what a rush...excuse me, but what am I doing here? Dr. Forrester: Welcome to my lab, test subject. Wolf: OK then...DID YOU SAY TEST SUBJECT?! r. Forrester: Yes, I did...now, to the examination table! Wolf: Never! By my honor as Shadow Wolf, I shall destroy you as an enemy to the Kenders Epic! Dr. Forrester: The what? SW: Oh, do I have to tell you everything?! It's at homepages.go.com/~thekendersepic and includes all the information you'll need...including the Legacy members! (Hint hint, shameless plug, hint hint ;-)) Tom: (off screen) And that's the worse kind too! Dr. Forrester: Ha! Nothing can stop me from dissecting you! (Suddenly, someone taps Dr. Forrester on the shoulder. He turns around) Dr. Forrester: What do you want? Green Hedgehog: Only you, for a punching bag. Get 'im boys! (Immediately, what appears to be the entire Legacy [whoever they are] jumps Dr. Forrester. Homer screams and jumps out the window. Then Razorback Jack [the author, but in special gear] turns to the camera with a Razorjack [Unreal weapon]) RBJ: Lights out, boys! (RBJ shoots the camera, and now a message shows "We are Experiencing Technical Difficulties at This Time. Please Stand By.") (Sattelite of Love) Mike: Well, it looks like the doctor has finally been taken by surprise. (Suddenly, lights flash) All: AAAAAAAA!! FAN-FIC SIGNS!! (The door chain) >As they jump on board, Crow: SPROING! >Akeela feels skeptical about joining them. >"I am not so sure about this Sally err, I am mean princess." Mike: If he has to correct himself every time he asks her, I'm leaving! Tom: Yeah right, where to? We're trapped on a spaceship 100 miles above Earth's surface with no way of getting back! Mike: Oh, right. >"You can call me Sally." >"O.K., Sally." >He gets in his house. Crow: (Akeela) A'ight, let's get this lil' ol' mo-chine on this heah road! Tom: Yes, it's the Redneck Voice Pack! Just shove it up your... (Tom suddenly finds his mouth duct-taped) >He asks Sally if she would ride with him. Crow: Ewww... Mike: He said WITH him, not ON him. Tom: BLARG!! *head explodes* Crow: Well, there goes the show! Mike #@$@$$!! *starts repairing Tom's head* >She walks back there after she asks Bunnie to drive. She sits next to >him and notices the sad look on his face. >"What is wrong?" Mike: I dunno, you tell me. >"I just hope my brother remembers me." >"Don't worry, Sonic and you will get along fine.(I hope)" Crow: Ooo! Ominous! >Rotor covers the house with the small invisibility shield and they >head back for Knothole. Crow: I bet that 'invisibility shield' is just blue tarp. (Mike groans) >Saturday, December 24. Crow: EGG NOG!! >The trip home from Robotropolis took three fourths of the day because >of the extra weight. They arrive at the outside of Knothole late at >night. (Mike finishes the repairs) All: *singing* Santa Claus is coming...to town! Mike: Y'know, I have this strange feeling we're missing something. Crow: A life? Tom: A pair of Birkenstocks? Crow: A video labled "Tonsil-Hockey?" Tom: Eek! Mike: Crow... Crow: Oh, it's that 'video' thing, ain't it? Well, you can just...BITE ME!! >Sally decides to save the reunion until another time, more >specifically, tomorrow. She takes the speeder and rests it inside of >there meeting hall since it was the only thing big enough to fit the >house. She closes it and asks Crow: The house for a divorce. Tom: (Sally) Yeah, I'm talking to you house! I want a divorce! All you ever do is whack me with your windows and hit me with loose boards! >"Akeela, are you hungry, do you have any food in here?" >"Yea, but I will have to get some more in at least another day." >"Perfect, now you stay in here for the rest of the night like we >planned. All right?" >"All right, bye Sally." >"Bye Akeela." Mike: I don't think Sonic's gonna be thrilled to find Sally sleeping with his brother... Crow: If he knows he's his brother, that is... >Sally runs from there, heading for her hut when she runs into Sasha. Tom: (Indy 500 Commentator) Oh, this is unbelievable! Sally has just crashed into Sasha at the curve! What a disaster! >"Hey Sally, could you help me get something for Tails?" >"Well, what does he like?" Mike: (Sasha) Oh, just the usual...a nice package of Trojans! Tom: Stop with the lemons already! That gets too sour! Mike: Ooo! Double entendre! >"Well, he has been wanting a new hoverboard for Christmas, but I don't >know where to get one." Mike: *snaps fingers* Darn. Tom: I KNEW IT! YOU ENJOYED THAT!! Mike: So I did. >"Well, I can call Uncle Chuck and ask him to make one for you." >"Thank you Sally!" >Sasha says as she hugs her. Crow: Do I smell lesbians or do I smell lesbians? Tom: Neither. You're smelling my socks. Crow: GACK!! *head explodes* Mike: That's the fifth time today! Of all the... *starts repairing Crow's head* >"No problem Sasha." >Sasha walked away with an excited little bounce in her step. She >decides to call Uncle Chuck instead of go to her hut. She pulls out >Nicole and says Tom: Something unintelligible before sucuumbing to the murky depths of a bad plot. Mike: The plot! It's alive!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! >"Nicole, connect me with Uncle Chuck." >"Processing.." Tom: Well, at least the wait was shorter. No muzak! Mike: And now we return you to our rendition of Bolero. The chances of actually finding a person to talk to is seventy-five thousand to one against. Tom: @#@$%#%!! (Mike finishes repairing Crow) >"\{Hello?\}" Tom: Hey, robots don't talk like that! Crow: No, of course not! We sound like Gary Coleman! (retching) >"Uncle Chuck, Sally here. Can you do me and Sasha a favor?" >"\{Sure, what is it?\}" >"Can you make us a new hoverboard, Sasha wants to get Tails a new one >and I need it by tomorrow." >"\{Right away Princess!\}" >"(Well, got an errand done. Now let's do the next one.)" Tom: Next one? Crow: It's probably that plan she was talking about back in issue 64.5... Tom: You mean the one about stealing Robotnik's nasal hair? Crow: Yeah, that one. Tom: That plan never EXISTED! Get over it! Crow: Ah, phooh. >She walks over to her hut and goes inside. She notices Sonic sleeping >on the chair next to the window. >"(He must waited for me all night.)" Mike: (Sally) For whatever perverted reason I can't imagine. >She looks at her watch. >"(Oh my! It is already three in the morning.) Tom: And it took her THIS long to find out? >She walks to her bed, sits down and takes off her vest, puts it on her >dresser, and takes off her boots and puts them next to the door. Mike: GAH! A LEMON!! All: HEAVEN HELP US!!! >She stretches and yawns as she grabs her nightgown Sonic had got her >for her birthday in September. All: Whew. Crow: Thank the Fanfiction God for showing mercy on us! Tom: Amen! >She picks up Sonic and lays him down in the bed, turns off the lamp, >lays down and hugs Sonic. Sonic, who is dead asleep, just lays there >as Sally falls asleep. Mike: He just 'lays there?' That doesn't sound like the Sonic we know and love! >5 :00, December 25, the big day. Tom: *singing* It's the most, wonderful time...of the year... Crow: *singing* It's a really, really good time...to have beer... Tom: Hey! Crow: EGG NOG!! >Sonic and Sally invite everyone to their hut for Christmas dinner and >gift giving. Mike: (FBI Agent) Some of these 'gifts' have been confiscated due to a violation of United State Law. Tom: Whoa, how much of a fine did they get for THAT?! >They all come and Bunnie, Ant, Sally and Sasha are cooking dinner for >today. They are preparing a cherry pie, a mobian wild turkey, which >are about twice the size of our traditional turkeys, sweet corn, peas, >mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, ham and 2 chocolate cakes for >dessert. Crow: LEMME AT THAT FOOD!! I'M STARVING!!! >As they cook the huge dinner, everyone out in the living room are >having a great time. The tree is up, Tom: But will soon fall because of a deadly miscalculation of the amount of weight it could hold! Crow: (Tree) Crash! Mike: (Sonic) Ow! My knee!! >with tons of presents underneath. Crow: (UPS Man) Hey, who ordered the 6.2 metric tons of presents? Tom: (Sally) That'll be me. Crow: (UPS Man) Thanks. That stuff's a real #@$#^ to carry! Tom: (Sally) You just called me a #@$#^!! Crow: (UPS Man) Did not! Tom: (Sally) Did too! Crow: (UPS Man) Did not! Tom: (Sally) Did too! Mike: And I thought television was bad...sheesh... >Not to mention all the little kids underneath shaking the presents to >see what they are getting, with Sonic down there. Sonic was about to >rip open a present just as dinner was done. Tom: Unfortunately, instead of ripping off the wrapping paper, he ripped out his larynx, which tore his spinal cord right out of his body, killing him instantly. Crow: The world burns... Mike: (Fire) PHOOM! Crow: Well darn, someone set fire to me...AGAIN. >"Damn! Why do they always do this to me? Well I am hungry anyway." Mike: Well, it's better than Sonic ripping his own head off. Crow: Oooo, blood and guts everywhere! Tom: Ewwww... >Sonic zooms into the dining room and is the first one at the table. >All the food was ready and waiting on the table. Sonic was about to >eat when Sally says Crow: (Sally) You're not going to eat ALL the baked potatoes this time, RIGHT? >"Sonic, not until everyone sits down!" Sonic snaps his fingers and >starts tapping his foot. He crosses his arms and waits impatiently. Mike: Eventually he gives up and plays tiddlywinks. Tom: I think there's a song in there... Crow: (Michael Palin) AND NO SINGING!!! >Sally sits down with Sonic, Sasha sits with Tails, Bunnie with Ant, >and everyone else finds a place to sit. They all sit down as Sally >begins to speak. All: >BELCH!< >"Hello and thank you all for coming today. We will begin opening >presents after everyone is done eating unless they say otherwise. Now >you may begin eating." Sonic starts to dive into the food, Crow: 'Dive into the food?' What, is the food in a pool? Mike: No, but I wish it were! All: *singing* FOOD POOL!! FOOD POOL!! GIVE US OUR FOOD POOL!! >grabbing a piece of everything. Tom: (Everything) OWW!! MY ANKLE!! >When he is done, he walks over to the tree and sits down in a chair >that is next to all the presents. Crow: (Chair) SNAP! >People start to walk back into the living room and the food is slowly >disappearing. All: OHMYGOD!! IT'S DAVID COPPERFIELD!! >When all the people are done eating, All: >BELCH!< >everyone starts to sit around the tree. Then Sally walks over to the >tree after she throws away her plate. Crow: Two days later, she was convicted of battery and sentenced to 5 years at a state prison. >She starts to talk just as someone walks through the door. "It's Santa >Clause!" Tom: TIM ALLEN?! >Amy shouts. Mike: (Amy) EEEEEEK!! Crow: Whoa, look at the SIZE of that thing! >Yea, but it is Rotor dressed up as him. He walks into the room and >sits down on a chair in front of the tree. He has the little and big >kids sit on his lap while people take pictures. Tom: But suddenly, tragedy strikes! Rotor is blinded by a flashbulb! Crow: (Rotor) AAAAAAAAAAAAA!! MY EYES!! I CAN'T SEE!! Mike: OK, enough already! >When all is said and done, Sonic received gifts from every one except >Sally. He says thank you to Bunnie for the new snowboard when he asks >Sally, "Hey, Sal. Why didn't you get me a present. I thought for sure >that you were gonna get me one. Crow: (Sonic) Even if it was a cheap hairdo Andy Warhol wore once, but still... >Didn't you like the strap that I got you for Nicole?" "Yes I did like >that gift, and yes I did get you a gift." She stands up and walks >toward the door while Sonic looks at her with confusion. He stands up >to ask her 'What are you doing?' as she opens the door. With a cold >breeze, Akeela walks in. Tom: (Akeela) Brrr! Why's it so COLD in here?! Mike: (Sonic) It's because you're stuck in a block of ice and your head's frostbitten. Tom: (Akeela) Is THAT what this thing around me is? Wish I knew that BEFORE I went to the lake... >"Sonic, say hello to your brother Akeela." "Is that really you after >all this time?" "Yes, I missed you brother." They run to each other >and hug like there was no tomorrow. Crow: This ranks as THE number one reason why Sonic fan-fics are so BAD. Sonic knows EVERYONE, and yet no one else knows ANYONE. It's just...WEIRD. >Then Sonic pushes away. "Wait, no I am not glad to see you. Not after >what you did back then." Sonic walks over to the coat rack, grabs his >leather jacket and zooms out the door. "Wait little brother!" Akeela >says, hopin' he would stop. When Sonic finally did stop, he leaned on >a tree and tried to relax, but without notice, an explosion erupts at >Knothole. Tom: (Sally) I KNEW I shouldn't have left the oven on! >He looks at Knothole from the top of the hill and races towards >Knothole, specifically going to his hut. When he arrived, people were >stumbling out of the house, badly injured and hangin' on to dear life >if they had to. Sonic rushed into the house, breaking down the door. Mike: Sure, he crushed a few bystanders in the process, but that's life! >He runs into his bedroom and notices Sally with cut on her arm that >she was holding, Tom: Dang collectible arms! Always have sharp pointy ends, don't they? >trying to keep it from bleeding. She was coughing up a little blood as >Sonic approaches her on the edge of the bed. He holds her in a loving >embrace and says "Who did this act of cruelty?" Tom: Bill Clinton? Mike: Margeret Thatcher? Crow: Dick Clark? Mike: Janet Reno? Crow: The FUNIMATION? Tom: A facsimile of Elvis? All: ADOLF HITLER?! >Then Sally looks at Sonic and slowly says "Robotnik." Sonic looks at >her with sad eyes, then she says "They took Akeela." Sonic shudders a >little, then says "You need to get to Dr. Quack. I am gonna take you >there and..." "That explosion was...the Medilab." Crow: Talk about your fixer-uppers... Tom: I wonder if Arthur Dent had that sort of problem... Crow: Who? Tom: Nothing! >"I am gonna salvage as much as I can. I'll be right back." Sonic zooms >off as quick as he can and grabs all the useful things that were not >destroyed in the explosion and what isn't destroyed in the fire around >the building. He races back and all that happened in about two >seconds. Crow: Yup. Sonic's an old fogie. It USED to take him only a millisecond! >He takes the bandages and covers her cuts. He takes out a pill from a >red and white bottle and gives it to her. He takes a glass of water >and gives it to her. She takes the pill and Sonic lays her down, >covers her with the blanket and says "Don't worry Sally,(choke) he >will pay for what he has done all to all our lives!" Sonic kisses >Sally on the forehead. Crow: (Sonic) Now where'd I put the Viagra? Tom: AGH! *head explodes* Mike: @%$#!! *Mike starts repairing Tom* >He stands up and walks to the door, looks at Sally, sheds a tear (Crow makes razor sounds) >and is off towards Robotropolis. Sonic speeds through the Great Forest >like he was running through a bundle of sticks. He was pissed, Crow: I thought that was illegal! Mike: He's using the AMERICAN meaning. Crow: Oh, sorry. Never can tell, ay what? >he wanted to destroy Robotnik and shut him down for good. Mike: Sounds like a Windows user... >When he arrived at Robotropolis, he went straight through it. No robot >could stop him and no robot did. He fought valiantly, not getting even >a scratch. He went all the way to the tower Robotnik was in, leaving a >trail of robotic parts behind him. (Mike finishes with Tom) Tom: Is the lemon gone? Mike: Yes Tom, it's gone. Tom: Whew! >He zoomed up the tower and cut a hole to get in. He goes through every >room, looking for the man who could do this. And on the days of days, >it had to be on Christmas. All: Oh, it's SACRILIGE!! >Sonic had a look on his face that would scare the bravest man. He was >determined to find this asshole and bring him down. (farting noises) >When he finds Robotnik, he is separated from him by his brother. Sonic >backs up, then tries to get Robotnik, but finds himself on the floor, >with his jaw hurting from his brother's punch. But, his punch was an >unusual one. He notices that his body had wires all over it, enhancing >his strength, speed, and agility. Tom: Oh great, Akeela's hooked up to yet ANOTHER one of those ill-fated badly-built all-around useless body-enhancing machines, isn't he? Crow: *sarcastically* Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus... >Sonic stares at Akeela, then gives Robotnik a really mean look. Then >with a burst of speed, Sonic took off towards Robotnik, but Akeela got >in front of him, taking the full brunt. Akeela fell to the ground but >quickly got back up and took offensive against Sonic. He through a >punch, (random hacking noises) >but Sonic dodged it, but did not see the back kick coming at him. >Akeela then jumped high into the air and machine guns went around his >hands and laser fire started firing at Sonic. Crow: Boy, life doesn't get anymore meaningless that this, don't it? Tom: No, unless you consider that Sonic's breaking every physical law known to man... Crow: But he's not a man! He's a Mobian! Tom: Point taken. >Sonic quickly zigged and zagged to dodge the blasts. Sonic then jumped >up after Akeela and quickly punched Akeela's hands to destroy the >guns. Akeela looks at Sonic only for a few milliseconds, then they >were off jumping off the walls, jumping off the ceiling and attacking >each other while Robotnik watches. "This is excellent entertainment >Snivley, use the accelerator button." "But sir, there is a chance of >overload..." "Are you questioning my authority?" "No sir." Mike: Sheesh, talk about low self-esteem... Crow: SO WHAT?! >Snivley walks over to the control button, shudders , then takes a deep >breath and pushes the button. Then smiles to him self. "(Hey, if the >fat man wants something that may blow up in his face, then let's do >it.)" All: JUST DO IT! Tom: Paid for by Nike and an annoying man with five heads and a rosemary bush full of kippers. Crow: BAIL!! >Snivley walks away, Tom: Into a grinding machine... >when Sonic flies towards Robotnik because Akeela threw him. Sonic hits >the force field and hits it like a brick wall. Mike: A brick wall hitting a force field? Crow: Maybe it was a small one. >He falls to the ground and slowly gets up. He looks at Akeela and >notices that he is jerking around uncontrollable. Akeela falls to the >ground then starts ripping off the wires. When he rips off the last >one, he looks at Robotnik with hatred in his eyes. He takes a rock off >the ground, revs up his arm really quick, the throws the rock at >Robotnik, hoping it would break through the force field. But it is >deflected. Mike: This looks like a job for... All: OBVIOUS MAN!! Crow: (Obvious Man) NOOOOO DUH!! >Sonic runs to Akeela's side and says "Are you O.K.?" "Yea, you put up >a good fight." "C'mon A.K.!( A.K. is Akeela's nick name from Sonic.) >Let's go kick some ass!" They charge at Robotnik and try to spin >through it. They hit the force field and fall off of it. Tom: Ooo! Birdies! Mike: Remind me not to invest in stupidity diodes anymore... >They get up, Sonic rubbing his head, Akeela rubbing his back. They >look at each other and Sonic whispers into his ear, "why don\rquote t >we use that trick we had a long time ago?" Crow: What the hell was THAT?! >"O.K." Sonic stands up and Akeela on his back, grabs his feet. Then >Sonic grabs Akeela's feet. Then they start spinning. They spin faster >and faster, they are revving up like the Sonic spin, but they have >dubbed it "The Super Spinout." They spin at Robotnik and slowly cut >through the force field. "What is going on snivley?!?" "Well, I guess >when I pushed the button, it took up all the energy that produces the >force field. (I turned off the force field purposely so this would >happen, fat ass!)" Mike: Ooo, Snively's a bad, BAD man, isn't he? Crow: Yeah, and just as big a pervert too! Tom: Crow... Crow: Yeah? Tom: Just shut up, you @#$#$#!! Crow: BITE ME! >"Snivley, before I run for cover, I have to say one thing, I know it >was you who turned off the force field." "Why do you say that sir?" >"Because the generator for the force field is not the same one for the >button!! They are on two different consoles!!" Tom: Well, so THAT didn't work... >"Uhh, sir, I can explain!!" "Well do that later, we have to get outta >here!" Crow: (Robotnik) Here comes the paparazzi! Mike: (Snively) The scourge of the universe! Tom: (???) Zaphod Beeblebrox! Mike: Huh?! Crow: Inside joke. Mike: Oh. >Robotnik says as they burst through the force field and they give >chase after Robotnik. They chase him through Robotropolis, all over >everything. Robotnik runs into a aircraft, turns around and says as >the ship lifts off, "See you another day, hedgehog!" "You're not gonna >get away this time Robotnik!" Sonic jumps onto the craft and hangs on >"Wait Sonic!" Akeela says as he jumps and grabs Sonic's legs. They >hang onto Robotnik's aircraft as they are flying over Robotropolis >with Robotnik saying, "What do you think you are doing?" Crow: (Sonic) Oh, nothing much, just risking life and limb to destroy you while being pursued by my suicidal brother and risking the existance of my entire race and upholding the values of civilization. Other than that, my mind's a blank slate. Mike: (Dr. Forrester) IT WORKED!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Robots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! >"I am bringing you down right now Robotnik!!!" Sonic speeds to the top >of the craft and says "Akeela! Get up here!" Akeela gets up there and >they start running. The craft starts to spin faster and faster. >"Snniiivllleeey, caann yooouu stoooooppp theeeemmm?" Tom: (Producer) CUT! Who cued the slo-mo?! Crow: (Big) Duh...nobody? Tom: (Producer) Shoulda known... >Robotnik says as he spins around. "Nooo siiir!" They go faster, then >Sonic pulls out 14 emeralds and 100 rings. "Why do you have 14 >emeralds and 1, 2, 3, 100 rings?" Mike: Apparently Akeela isn't a good counter... >"Don't ask, just take the 50 rings and 7 emeralds!" Akeela takes the >rings and emeralds and they start to transform. Sonic turns into Super >Sonic and Akeela turns into Atomic Akeela. All: INFIDEL! Mike: He violates the sacred Test Ban Treaties! Tom: Seize the infidel! Crow: Mount his head on a pike! >They start to go as fast as the speed of light. When they reach the >speed of light, Crow: They get treated to a free lunch. How quaint! >they charge up into the air and charge back down, Tom: Faster than a speeding battery! >hitting the craft, sending it zooming down toward the ground. The >craft hits the ground, in the center of Robotropolis, starting a >cataclysmic explosion, All: Oooo...look at the pretty mushroom cloud... >starting a chain reaction all over Robotropolis. Every thing gets >blown up as S-Sonic and A-Akeela zoom outta there, in the air. When >they reach Knothole, they split up and start repairing Knothole till >it looks like Robotnik never attacked. Sonic and Akeela race in to >Sonic's hut and check on Sally. "Sal's asleep." "yea, do you want to >wake her up?" "no, I'll just slip in and go to sleep. you need to get >some sleep to. good night Akeela." "good night." Akeela walks out of >the room and shuts the door. Sonic takes off his shoes and socks and >climbs into bed. He covers himself with the blanket and turns toward >Sally. He looks at her and a slow tear falls from his eye. He looks at >her bandages and sheds another tear. He motions towards her and kisses >her on the cheek. He puts his arms on her and watches out for the >wounds. All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! A LEMON!!! Crow: A lemon?! At the END?! Tom: Now that's just WRONG! >Then, he falls asleep. All: Oh. Whew... Mike: It coulda been worse, though... Robots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Mike: Geez, alright, I'm sorry! Now let's get out of here! (They all leave the theater, relieved the story is over) (The door chain) (The Sattellite of Love) Mike: Well, that about takes care. Wonder what happened to ol' Doc Forrester? (Red light flashes) Mike: Well, guess we'll find out. (Mike presses button, viewscreen opens) (Deep 13) (The lab is in a shambles. Homer is nowhere to be seen, and Dr. Forrester is severely bandaged) Dr. Forrester: YOU FOOLS!! Do you realize how long it took for me to find a replacement prostate?! My brains aches... (Homer suddenly appears, holding a big bag o' donuts) Homer: Mmmm...donuts... Dr. Forrester: HEY! GIMME THOSE!! Homer: Ohh... (Sattellite of Love) Mike: Well, OK, never mind... (Viewscreen closes) Mike: Well, that does it... Crow: Now can we go watch Star Wars? Tom: Pipe down! Crow: BITE ME!! Mike: *sigh* Well, guess they haven't changed...hey, what's the day? Gypsy: Oh, it's...uh...June 17th, 2000. All: WHAT?! Crow: You mean we've been in there for NINE MONTHS?! Gypsy: Give or take a week. All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (End) >Insert obligatory MiSTING legal notes here<