It is my suggestion that you read the MiSTing "The New Season" before reading this one. Otherwise you will have no clue what any of this is about. ---------------------- episode 201 of SFT1B Turn down your lights...(if you want to.) In the not-too-distant future, In a castle near Iran, Pearl Forister and her two sidekicks Were hatchin' up a nasty plan. They bougt some pizza from a guy named Jim, A guy who obeyed their every whim. They figured that his soul was just too free, So they stuffed him in a capsule and they launched him out to sea! (Jim: When do I get paid!?!) "We'll send him cheesy stories, The worst we can find.(lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all, And we'll monitor his mind!"(lalala) Now keep in mind Jim can't controll Which story she'll send him next.(lalala) He'll try and think of a way out With the help of his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL CAMBOT("Hit it!") GYPSY("Oh, my!") TOM SERVO("Buck up, newmeat!") CROOOOOOOOOOW!("You know you want me, baby!") If you're wondering how they work and play, And other science facts,(lalala) Go get a degree in physics, Or really just relax! for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000! 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SOL int.] Jim Whaley, a teenager with dark hair and a white t-shirt(as opposed to a jumpsuit) is standing behind the counter. In the background, we hear not the regular spaceship sounds as in previous episodes, but submarine-type sounds. The windows now have an underwater scene, which has replaced the stary scape, and the satelite seems to be a bit more blue on the inside. JIM: Hi, everyone. I'm Jim Whaley. Welcome to the Submarine of Love. Now, if you're confused, don't ask me because I don't know anything about what happened before I got here. [bends toward Cambot, whispering] Even though I'm the writer of this thing! [Servo and Crow enter from oppoiste sides.] CROW: Hi, Scott. JIM: It's Jim. CROW: Whatever. Look, we need your help. JIM: Okay, what? SERVO: Well, the water's starting to seep in from the hole made by that cannon shot that brought us down here, and... JIM: WHAT?!? We've got to do something! Gypsum! CROW: Gypsy. JIM: Right. Gypsy! [Gypsy enters.] GYPSY: What is it, Nick? JIM: It's Jim. The water's started to flood the ship! You've got to do something! Cambot, red alert! [Red lights go off on the wall. Jim starts to run around in a panic yelling "Oh my God, we're going to die!" and things like that. The 'Bots are calm.] SERVO: Uh, Jim, the hole's only a millimeter wide. There's just a small puddle on the floor under it. JIM: Oh. I knew that. ['Bots shake their heads] MAGIC VOICE: 15 seconds to commercial sign. [Jim looks up.] JIM: What was that? And what's "Commercial Sign" supposed to mean? SERVO: That's not improtant. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign in 3...2...1...Commercial Sign now. -commercial sign- CROW: We'll be right back. JIM: Why'd you say that? planet logo(underwater, with fish and sorts of underwater stuff) JIM[voiceover]: Oh. (commercials) [SOL int.] Same as before commercials. JIM: So, what's been going on here for the last nine years? SERVO: Well, Pearl Forrester's son had us watching bad movies before she took over, and...we're still doing it. JIM: So, what's going to happen to me? -mads sign- JIM: What do I do? CROW: Push that red button. JIM: Oh. [Jim pushes the button.] [Castle Forrester]: Pearl is in front of Bobo and Observer, who are hastily assembling a very large machine. PEARL: So, Jimbo, it's your first experiment. Are you feeling lucky? [SOL] JIM: I guess not. [CF] PEARL: Oh. Well, then...GOOD! Hahahahahahahahahaha! [SOL] JIM: So, what's the experiment? [CF] PEARL: Oh, you're going to LOVE it! It's a couple of shorts titled "What Sonic Would Look Like In Everyday Commercials" and "600 How-to and Money-Making Ideas". Your regularly scheduled feature is called "Total Turbulence". It was made by those nice guys at Archie Comics. Have fun, kiddies! [SOL] -movie sign- 'BOTS: We've got fanfic sign! JIM: What's happening? CROW: Gogogogo! [Crow pushes Jim off-camera.] 6...5...4...3...2...1... [Jim carries Servo into the theater, Crow enters.] >What Sonic Would Look Like In Everyday Commercials > CROW: He'd look like he was in a commercial, duh! >Ah, yes. We've seen the Flintstones in Fruity/Coaco Pebbles >cerealcommercials. But what would commercials on TV look like >if we added all the Sonic characters? Lets take a look at some... SERVO: Lets not. >All characters (c) Dave Pistone, Me, Sega, & Carol Schwieness. All >rights reserved > > SONIC TV COMMERCIALS >Tails in Kibbles & Bits: "I'm a champion. I love to Eat." Tails says, >holding a bag of Pedigree dog food. CROW: But Tails is a fox. >"And when I eat, I love to eat Pedi..." >Antione, Sandra, Lupe, Drago, and Jon run by, yelling "KIBBLES & BITS! SERVO: Who's Jon? CROW: I have no idea...AND I'M A FANBOY, TOO! >KIBBLES & BITS! WE'RE GONNA GET US SOME KIBBLES & BITS! Tails thinks to >himself, then decides. "Hmm... I'm gonna get Me some Kibbles & Bits!" JIM: Well, I guess he changed into a dog or something. >Hershey in Fresh Step: SERVO: The chocolate bar? CROW: No, Hershey's the one who accidentaly cut Sally's rope in the comics! JIM: You just gave away the plot of the story we're getting next! CROW: D'OH!!!! > Sally stands at Hershey's cottage, holding a bag of Tidy Cat. "Uh... I >know you like fresh step Cat Litter, but, uh... This one was on sale!" SERVO[as Sally]: Plus you tried to kill me, so I got Brand X. >Hershey looks at Sally with disapointment, and slams the door in her >face. A few minutes later, Sally is back with a bag of Fresh Step. >"Okay! You win!" Hershey "Meow" 's in victory, and throws the key to >Sally. JIM: But can't she do her own shopping? >Sonic & Sally in Rooms-To-Go: > Sonic & Sally are busy explaining how you can buy a room >cheap. "Its about value, it's about time, it's about >Rooms-To-Go." They say in unison. ALL: That wasn't interesting at all! > I'll be back with more commercials... SERVO: ...after this one. [commercial] JIM[vo]: Servo, how do you do that? SERVO[vo]: I don't know. >Subject: 600 How-To Guides CROW: Windows 3.1 for Dummies, Windows 95 for Dummies, Windows 98 for Dummies... >From: yxjbgjhm@businfo.com SERVO: Effective password, bad screen name. >Date: Sun, Aug 16, 1998 01:15 EDT >Message-id: <35d66aff000005eb@dns.icsdev.net-MINC> > > >Over 600 How-To & Money Making Ideas JIM[as Jeff Foxworthy]: Bury half your money in a mayonase jar in the front yard. > >Start your own home-based mail order business selling >information CROW: To the communists! >by mail!!! It has never been easier, and you will never >see it anywhere else offered at this rock bottom price!!! SERVO: Oh, we're at rock bottom, all right... >Selling information by mail, such as how-to reports, is a >Billion Dollar Industry that will be around forever! JIM: 'Cuz we're ISO9001-Certified! >There is no doubt about it. People will always be willing >to spend money for CROW: Girl Scout cookies. >information and ideas that will make them wealthier and wiser!!! SERVO[as J.K. Robertson]: Because here at Gen Corp, we make people smart! >Now you too can CROW[as Bob Thornon]: be a Martian! >make $1,000s monthly Selling Information by Mail! JIM: That's capitalized. I hope it's not the name of their business. >You've seen others offering CROW: their souls to Satan and it's time to tell them to stop. >to help you get started in the selling information-by-mail >business but never like this! Our revolutionary, SERVO[as Britan]: Yes, we lost, but it was because of those damned Americans! >new CD ROM holds over 600 of the "hottest", "most sought after", JIM: Note the quotation marks. >how-to reports and other money-making guides available today!! > >For more information follow link to: SERVO: http://www.wesuck.com/ JIM: Servo, please. CROW[as caveman]: Me follow link. Me smart. > >http://members.xoom.com/Businfo/index.html > CROW: Thank you, and good night. [Jim, Servo, and Crow exit.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SOL bridge] Servo, Crow and Gypsy are gathered around Jim. SERVO: So, Jim, tell us...how the heck did you land a job in a crummy pizza parlor? JIM: Well, I guess it was just luck. I was wandering around looking for jobs, and all of a sudden this pizza place apeared in front of me with a "Help Wanted" sign. So, I went in and got the job. CROW: Jeez, they must really have been desperate! They took *you* in! [Servo and Crow laugh] GYPSY: Now, boys... JIM: This nice satyr greeted me and said something like "HeLlO AnD WeLcOmE to TorGo'S piZZa." [The 'Bots freeze] JIM: What? SERVO: TORGO? CROW: As in "I watch the place while the Master is away" Torgo? GYPSY: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGG!!!!! [falls over] JIM: Huh? You know him? SERVO: AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH![runs away in panic] CROW: I'm over it already. JIM: So would you mind telling me what this is all about? CROW: It involves too much deep hurting. JIM: Oh, okay. -commercial sign- JIM: We'll come back soon. [to Crow]: Did I do it right? CROW: Well... [planet logo underwater] [commercials for Kahlua Mudslide and Volkswagon] [Jim carries Servo in, Crow enters] >Sonic & Tails >"Total Turbulence" JIM: The sequel to "Turbulence"! CROW: You're trying too hard. >Karl Bollers-writer >Steven Butler-pencier SERVO: He's their artist *and* servant! >Jim Amish-Inker CROW: Sure! And he's working for a highly industrial company? JIM: Let's not taunt the nice men. CROW: But we're being forced to read it! JIM: Still... >Frank Gagliardo-colorist [all snicker] >Jeff Powell-letterer JIM: His engine can't get started. SERVO: lettererererer... >Justin Gabrie-editor > >Sonic's bi-plane, Winged Victory, flies across stormy seas >and through rough clouds. The cloud in front of it looks >suspiciously like the sorcerer Ixis Nagus. SERVO[as Tails]: Hey, Sonic, is that Nagus or just a cloud? CROW[as Sonic]: I don't know! Let's fly into it and see! >Tails: I'm sure glad we're not chasing the evil Ixis Nagus > around the planet by boat, Sonic! This ocean looks really > rough if you ask me! JIM[as Sonic]: Well, no one asked you, so shut yer hole! >Sonic: Don't worry about the waves, Tails! In two seconds > we might regret SERVO: One... > takin' my bi-plane! SERVO: ...two... >Tails: Why? CROW: Duh..... JIM: That kid's bright. >Sonic: Check out those clouds SERVO: ...three... > up ahead! From the SERVO: ...four... JIM: You can stop now. > nasty look of 'em, CROW: I'd say Janet Jackson was behind this! > our hands are gonna be full just flyin' these unfriendly > skies! Make no mistake, l'il buddy! JIM: We only have non-erasable pens! > We're definately in for--TOTAL TURBULENCE! SERVO: I just hate it when comic characters say the title when it pops up. >Sonic looks down at the computer installed into the >dashboard. It reads dots continuing in a straight line until >they are scattered across the top of the screen. >Sonic: This gadget my Uncle Chuck hooked up to the control > pannel before we left Mobotropolis is supposed to CROW: provide exposition. > track Ixis...but the trail suddenly scatters for no reason! SERVO: PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S A CLOUD RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!! JIM: I don't think they see that. SERVO: We do! >Tails: Holy haywire! ALL: -snicker- > What's the matter with it, Sonic? >Sonic: Could be the bad weather causin' some kinda > interference! CROW[southern accent]: Don't ya know. >Ikis, in cloud form, dodges the tiny plane. >Nagus: Curse that hedgehog and his fledgling fox of a > companion! They do not realize they have at last found me! JIM[as Nagus]: Why they don't see me, I have no clue. > I never suspected they'd fashion a device capable of CROW: Toasting marshmallows. > detecting the ionic residue left in the air by my sorcery SERVO[singing]: By, my, my, my, sorcery... > Bah! No matter! My magical transformation into a cloud- > being has confused their feeble instruments long enough for > me to JIM: Rain? CROW: disipate into nothingness? SERVO: do--THIS!? JIM: Servo, I don't think that was what he is going to say. > do--THIS! JIM: Huh. SERVO: Hah! >Nagus bats Winged Victory off course with a whump. CROW: Whump? JIM: I'm gonna whump your ass! >The plane veers out of control and begins a nose dive into >the water below. >Sonic and Tails: AAAAHHHH!! SERVO: Should they be sighing at a time like this? >Sonic: Cool it, Sonic! Time to--get a-- CROW: better impression of William Shatner! > grip--or we're both toast! >Sonic desperately pulls back on the control stick. >Winged Victory brings her nose up and skims the surface of >the water before pulling back up into the clouds. JIM[as Tails]: That was fun! Let's do it again! >She heads back up into Nagus's face. >Nagus: What? It's that hedgehog! SERVO: No, sir, that's a plane. > He still lives! Gulp! >Winged Victory easily plows through Ixis's cloud face and >into open sky. CROW: That's what you get for turning yourself into a cloud-being! SERVO: Say, if he really was a cloud, how could he keep his shape, and how did he knock the plane away? JIM: Hmm... >Tails: You did it, Sonic! >Sonic: I guess I did, Tails... >Tails: ...and look--with those clouds cleared up, I can > see land! >Sonic: And Tails? >Tails: Yeah, Sonic? SERVOas Sonic]: I just like saying "Tails". >Sonic: Who knows what kind of adventures are in store for > us there? CROW: Stupid ones? >To be contunued next month... SERVO: That one was a breeze! [They all leave the theater] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SOL int.] Jim is reading Sonic #63. Sonic #62 is on the counter. Crow enters. CROW: Hey, Jim, whatcha doin'? JIM: I'm just checking what today's story continued into. CROW: Well? JIM: At least we don't have to read any more of it! It's a really wacked-out two-parter called "Icon". CROW: And what's it about? JIM: Well, these Freedom Fighters take in Sonic and Tails and keep them locked up and Sonic wants to stay forever. CROW: Does he? JIM: Uh, no. He escapes and destroys the force feild so they can leave the city and Robians attack them. CROW[a little confused]: Oh, okay. [Servo comes in holding Sonic #50] SERVO: Hey, Jim, I read that four-parter you akled me too, and whew! It was weird! JIM[paying more attention to the comic in his hands]: Glad you liked it, Servo. SERVO: That's not what I meant. -mads sign- CROW: Uh, Jim, Pearl's calling. JIM[engrossed in the comic]: mm. SERVO: JIM! JIM: Huh? Oh. [Jim pushes Mads Signal-Thingy(TM)] [Castle Forrester] Pearl is standing next to the fully-assembeld machine. It's as large as the room, and looks like an overgrown coffee grinder. PEARL: At last, I've done it! Hahahahaha! I have invented the machine that will aid me in conquering the world! [She pushes a few buttons on the control panel. The machine prints out a receipt-like message.] PEARL[during printing]: This machine will tally up the number of people I need to control in order to dominate Earth! [the machine spits the paper out with a ding. Pearl grabs it] PEARL[reading]: What?!? Twenty-seven million people?!? Oh, well. Better get started. Guess I don't need this thing anymore. Brain Guy! I'm done with it! OBSERVER[from off-screen]: Well, then put it in the closet or something! I'm not going to take care of everything for you! PEARL: But, you can just warp it out of existence! OBSERVER[os]: Oh, all right... [That sound. Machine pops out of the castle.] PEARL: Thank you! OBSERVER[os]: You're welcome! Now let me finish my game of tri-dimensional chess with Bobo! [to Bobo] Now, you have to take my king and...what the hack are you doing? You can't make that move! It hopps three of my pawns! BOBO[os]: Well, sorry! PEARL: Anyway, Jim, I want to say that I've got some big things in store for you! BIG! BIGER! BIGEST! Hahahahaha! [fade] PEARL: Hey! I'm not done yet! [love theme] written by: Jim Whaley "Total Turbulence" written by: Karl Bollers "What Would Sonic Look Like in Everyday Commercials": The name of this writer has been lost. If you know who the origonal aouthor is, please contact me at the screen name below so proper credit can be given. featuring: Jim Whaley: James A. Whaley Crow: Bill Corbett Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg Magic Voice: Beez McKeever also featuring: Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Phel Observer: Bill Corbett Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. All Sonic the Hedgehog characters and related material are trademarks of Archie, DIC, and/or SEGA. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Sonic comic material used was not granted a go-ahead by Archie Comics. They weren't able to be reached. MST3K created by: Joel Hodgson special thanks to: Best Brains, Inc. Archie Comic Publications, Inc. All you people who love to laugh e-mail tjats@aol.com for comments, etc. c1998 by Jim Whaley [stinger] >Tails: Holy haywire! This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production