[On Mobius, a trial is being held. Sally is acting as judge (in full outfit) with several other 'freedom fighters' as jury.] SALLY: Order! BOBO: I'd like a- SALLY: And anyone reciting ancient puns shall be shot on sight. BOBO: I'll shut up. SONIC: Poor guy. PEARL: What the hell are you talking about?? SONIC: [Grabbing Observer's brain, and a la Star Trek-] His brain is gone. OBSERVER: That's mine. SONIC: Yeah, right. OBSERVER: Well, it is! SONIC: And how do you explain it, oh, I don't know.... NOT BEING IN YOUR HEAD??? OBSERVER: Oh, I don't believe I'm arguing with a discolored rodent. SONIC: [To Sally, ignoring Observer] Your Honor, I'd like to hold this as evidence. SALLY: Ah, heck. Go ahead. [Sonic tosses it aside, crashing. Observer winces.] SONIC: Oh, cut that out. You're acting like it's hurting you. OBSERVER: Someone kindly kill me. SALLY: It may come to that. PEARL: What charges? SALLY: Uhhhhhhhhhhh... [Whispering] Sonic, what is it? SONIC: [Whispering] Hell, I don't know. Um... they removed that monkey's brain. I think that counts for something. SALLY: [Whispering] I don't know. Did you have that evidence before they were accused? SONIC: [Whispering] So we need evidence before-hand, now? SALLY: [Back to Pearl & Observer] Well, you're, um, not furry. Yeah. That's it! That guy in the hood even looks like that kid in 'Powder' aged to forty. PEARL: You mean Brain Guy, here. OBSERVER: I'm not 'Brain Guy.' I am- PEARL: Monkey-man, mind bopping him for me? I got a hang nail. BOBO: Sure. [Does so] OBSERVER: Ow. Why, you little- BOBO: Woob woob woob! SALLY: All right! ALL RIGHT! Now- PEARL: Are you, like, racist or something? SALLY: What? PEARL: You charge us of not being all hairy like a dumb ape! SALLY: Welllllll... [Pearl notices Bunnie (as seen in the MSTing of 'Altered Destiny'.) who is half robot] PEARL: Hey, she isn't fully a mammal-creature-thing. Why don't you kill her? SALLY: We're roomies. PEARL: Like I said- SALLY: Look, she is half-way intelligent-- BUNNIE: Why, Ah thank y'all. SALLY: --Despite her over-done accent indicating otherwise. Besides, she isn't quite all robot, either. If she was, though, I'd snap off her head. BUNNIE: Oh, mah! PEARL: Hate robots, huh? SALLY: Oh, yes. Icky. PEARL & OBSERVER: [Looking at each other] Mwa HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! PEARL: Hey, fox, or squirrel, or muskrat, whatever; look at that monitor there. SALLY: Hm? SONIC: Hey! How come I never noticed that there, before? [SOL, Mike is fixing Tom's head from the explosions in the theater.] MIKE: It's a good thing we found a crate of new heads under the floor boards. [Noticing Pearl] Oh, hi, Mrs. Forrester. They kill you yet? [Mobius] SONIC: He's fixing a gumball machine. So? [SOL] TOM: Gumball machine?? I don't look at ALL like a gumball machine! Tell them, Mike. MIKE: Well, uh... [Mobius] PEARL: See? Robots. SALLY: And that chunky man is fixing it. Why that's...that's...what is that. BUNNIE: Ah don't know. SALLY: Keep your annoyingly fake accent to yourself. BUNNIE: If y'all say so. SALLY: Now, how can we unrightfully torture the bot-holder in the sky? PEARL: Send him fanfiction based on your show? SONIC: Now that is a good idea. Send them the fanfic, Brainy. OBSERVER: Certainly. [SOL, alarms going off] ALL: FANFIC SIGN!! [Shunk...6...5...4...3...2...SAFE...] [Crow is all ready seated as Mike carries Tom in] >Tricks of the Trade >A Sonic the Hedgehog Story >by Ryan Huber ALL: NO! NOT FROM THE BEGINNING!!! [Mobius] PEARL: Oh, just this once. Brain Guy...? OBSERVER: Rrr. All right. [SOL Theater] CROW: I guess she *does* have a heart... >Tricks of the Trade >A Sonic the Hedgehog Story >by Ryan Huber CROW: I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!! > > >Part 7 CROW: Oh, God... TOM: You nearly cost us there, Golden Spider Duck. MIKE: I am personally gonna dunk you in turpentine when we get out. CROW: You can't; we have my play to do. MIKE: Oh, yeah. Later then? CROW: Sure. > > Sandra reached Robotropolis. She immediately headed for the blocks CROW: [Quickly] Legomania! >where the new prisoners were kept...she figured Ryan would be there. MIKE: [Sandra] "I don't believe I have to bail him out again. The next time he gets drunk, I'm just leaving him there." > "I must >be getting soft..." she thought. TOM: Women are always worrying about their weight. > "It's been years since I ever helped someone >this much... CROW: It would be an easier friendship if he'd quit getting captured. > Then again...it's been even longer since someone has helped me >that much..." MIKE: "Picking me up and throwing me in a slug-ridden bush like that." > Sandra didn't even smile at that... TOM: Hey, wow! > she was too determined to find her >friend... CROW: And while she was at it, she may as well get Ryan, too. > She looked around, found the right air duct, MIKE: Is that the 'correct' one or the 'opposite of left' one? > and began to crawl through >to the prisoner blocks. > She missed Ryan by five seconds. TOM: [Sandra] "Boy do I miss hi- Oh, my five seconds are up." > > Ryan crawled through the ducts, [Bots do quacking sounds] MIKE: [Ryan] "C'mon! Move it! I'm late!" CROW: {QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!} MIKE: [Ryan] "Sorry." CROW: {Quack} > turning down another. TOM: [Ryan] "Doesn't match my eyes." > It had a layer CROW: ...of icing. >of dust, and when he moved into it, he disturbed the layer, TOM: Thus was the layer disturbed. The dust that was a layer of dust was disturbed. > almost making him >cough. He heard a noise. MIKE: It was himself almost coughing. > Fearing it to be some kind of maintenance robot, he CROW: ...screamed in terror and wet himself, immediately giving his position away. >ducked down the duct and kept moving. MIKE: So he ducked in the duct. CROW: Say it out loud, fellow readers. Over and over. Annoy your siblings. > Sandra moved by the duct. TOM: Just as Packbell turned on the ventilation, she got sucked through a fan. > She didn't notice the disturbed dust CROW: {GASP!!} > ...yet. CROW: {Phew} >She kept moving to the prisoner blocks. TOM: She and Ryan eventually met each other... CROW: [Sandra] "Hi, Ryan." MIKE: [Ryan] "Hi, Sandra." TOM: ...and kept going their ways. > > Sandra finally reached the holding cells. She looked all around. >SWATbots were at either end of the corridor now, making it impossible to get >close enough to look into each cell for long. Then she noticed something... MIKE: Folks at home, think of this as a Wacky Mad Lib. > One of the prison cell locks was melted through...barely noticeable. TOM: But she did, anyway. >"Ryan..." she thought. CROW: I doubt he's telekinetic. I don't suggest you call him that way. > "He must have gotten out and entered this way. He's >better than I thought." > Sandra turned back to search more carefully for signs of her friend's TOM: And Ryan's. >passing. > > Ryan had kept crawling. MIKE: Goo goo. > He prayed to reach the end, CROW: So are we. > avoiding SWATbots. >He didn't. TOM: Pray? MIKE: Reach the end. CROW: Then what about us?? MIKE: We haven't reached the end, either. CROW: OH NO! > About four minutes after Sandra discovered Ryan wasn't in a cell, Ryan >met some trouble. TOM: So are we with Sandra or Ryan at this point? > He moved around a corner, MIKE: 'He.' Must be at Ryan. > and the duct widened into a more tunnel-like >opening. CROW: He's leaving Willy Wonka's chocolate factory? > He realized it must be some kind of main duct. TOM: Maine duck is the best tasting kind. MIKE: Whatever. > Obviously it was >somehow important, TOM: It's where Packbell keeps all his top secret fudge recipes. > because out of nowhere, two SWATbot guards appeared. CROW: Here they are coming out of nowhere again. MIKE: Must have an agreement with Sigfried and Roy. TOM: What bothers me is they have robot guards roaming around the air ducts. > "INTRUDER-ALERT!" TOM: Why is it yelling? > beeped one robot. CROW: I wouldn't really call it a beep, would you? MIKE: Maybe it's translated Morse code. > "DETAIN-WITH-EXTREME-PREJUDICE!" TOM: "-DUDE." > beeped the other. > Then they opened fire. MIKE: [SWATbot] "JEEZ-FRED-LAY-OFF-THE-BURRITOS-WOULDJA?" > > Sandra had found the duct where Ryan disturbed the dust. Sandra moved >in and began to follow it. She heard laser fire and began to move faster. CROW: Andellé. Andellé. Areeba! > > >Part 8 MIKE: [Singing] It's time to Part 8! Part 8! > > Ryan dove to one side of the duct, TOM: A dove *and* a duck. This place is crowded with birds. > narrowly avoiding the laser blasts. CROW: 'Laserblast*s*'???? They made a sequel to that?? NOOOOOOOOO! >He quickly regained his feet, TOM: ...and snapped them back on. > and pointed his roboticized finger at the SWATbot >that seemed to be the leader. MIKE: [Ryan] "C'mon, pull it!" > He concentrated for a second, TOM: And the SWATbots just stand there, waiting to be shot. CROW: Why must the author depict robots as morons? It's so racist. > bringing the laser >to bear. CROW: HE SHOT A BEAR! OH NO! MIKE: You're not a bear anymore, remember? CROW: Oh. > A beam shot out and impacted into the SWATbot. TOM: This is the only story that I've seen using 'impact' as a verb, but if my hands could work to flip the pages, I'd be more cultured. > The Swatbot's head was ripped clean off the main body, BOTS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! > and fell to the >ground with a metallic *CLANG!*. MIKE: As opposed to a wooden *CLANG*? > The remaining SWATbot got off an intruder >report before it joined its partner's fate. BOTS: NOT HIM, TOO! MIKE: Um... there, there. > Ryan looked at the destroyed robots for only a second, and went on. He >moved a bit faster now. MIKE: Being that a SWATbot shot his pantleg and his pants were on fire. > > Sandra was getting closer. TOM: To what? > She saw the trashed SWATbots, and was glad >she didn't see Ryan's body among the mess. CROW: Except for that head rolling there. He's fine otherwise. > No doubt at least one reported the >intruder...but how long until Packbell knew. MIKE: Please tell me. > Not long. MIKE: Thank you. > > Packbell sat in his office, bored. TOM: He decided to read through his Dilbert desk calendar one more time. > The unidentified fox had done >nothing to improve his mood. CROW: Ryan forgot his birthday. > Then he thought of something. MIKE: "Cheese INSIDE the pizza crust..." > "Wait a second!" he thought. CROW: ...while thinking. > "That damned human grabbed that >comet...said something about liking it more and more... I wonder." TOM: Ah, that *would* arouse suspicion. CROW: Especially since Packbell was blown into another room at the time. > The android called up two files at once. MIKE: [Packbell] "Here, file!" > One was a memory of Ryan. CROW: Undoubtedly an android. MIKE: I didn't know you filed thoughts. TOM: Well, yeah. How else would you do it? >The other was also of Ryan, MIKE: Packbell's in love. > only as a fox...Packbell didn't know yet... TOM: ...how to pronounce Mxyzsptlk. > but he >would. > "Hmm..." Packbell thought out loud, while comparing the two files. MIKE: [Singing] One of these files are not like the other... >Then he saw it. CROW: Y'know, that thingie. That unidentifiable 'it.' > The fox had a roboticized finger. MIKE: The one that Ryan quickly hid so Packbell couldn't see it. > So did the cursed human. >They were the same! > "God! TOM: [God] What is it? I'm taking a shower. > That blight upon my mind CROW: Albeit an artificial one. > has been in my grasp all along! I >should have just killed the fox MIKE: Given the ratings, it already is dead. > ...or whatever he is now..." CROW: Eh? Eh? Get it, Mike? > Packbell grinned evilly. MIKE: You'd better start making comments about the smiling instead of complaining if you want to live through this, Tom. TOM: All right, how's this? [Packbell] "I just had a naughty thought." MIKE: Good. > "Why not now?" CROW: Whatever it is you're gonna do now. > He turned on his heels MIKE: It's hard to be menacing when you do ballet. > and headed towards the prisoner blocks. > > >Part 9 TOM: And feelin' fine. > > About ten minutes later, Packbell had reached the holding cell where >the metamorph had been kept. > The android's scream of rage CROW: He gets aggravated fairly easily. > was heard even by Sandra and Ryan...who >were separated from the source by over two miles of air ducts. TOM: The A/C system seems to be more like an intricate subway tunnel by now. > > Sandra was very close now. She could almost hear Ryan ahead of her. MIKE: [Sandra] "Yup. That's him chewing his cud." >She guessed him to be about two hundred meters ahead. > > Ryan was about two hundred meters ahead... CROW: So the author assures us she's right. > moving quickly. > > Packbell moved even more quickly. He had long-range scans done. TOM: ...and it turns out he's pregnant. > Ryan >had been detected. Sandra hadn't. MIKE: Jeez. CROW: Ryan's luck just seems to, well, suck. > Packbell was closing in. > > >Part 10 > > Ryan moved quietly along...as quietly as he could, TOM: Yes, but is he quiet? > which was decent by >Sandra's standards. CROW: Of course, you could bash around like a rabid rhino and pass Sandra's standards. > The metamorph saw a beam of light... MIKE: Hey! It's God! > not the kind in the buildings..but >real outside light. He headed towards it. TOM: Head towards the liiiiiiiiiiight... MIKE: Could that reference have been more obvious? > > Packbell waited outside the duct. CROW: [Packbell] "When Ryan's done in there, I gotta use it." > The metamorph was sure to come out >of it. All SWATbots had been kept out of the area. TOM: Packbell had an intricate plan to let Ryan escape back to Knothole, again. > This was Packbell's kill. > It was personal... > > Sandra was surprised by how fast Ryan had moved. CROW: She could just tell he was. > She had to move a bit >faster to overtake him. She had almost reached him when he began to open the >duct. The comet chunk he carried with gleamed dull green in the light. MIKE: So it glows in the light? > > Ryan opened the duct TOM: -as previously mentioned. > and stepped out. He squinted, gasped...and almost >died on the spot from fright. CROW: [Packbell] "Wow, that was easier than I thought." TOM: So he couldn't see Packbell through the vent. > Packbell stood not twenty feet from him, holding >a laser rifle. It was pointed right at him. MIKE: Why is Packbell pointing the gun at himself? > "Miss me?" Packbell leered. TOM: [Dopey voice] Uh, what did I throw at you? > He pulled the trigger. > "Dear God," CROW: "...was an okay movie." > Ryan thought, "the beam is black..." TOM: [Being picked up by Mike] He had enough time to think that when a laser was fired at him? CROW: [Leaving] Ah, that thing fired at him in the dream. It's um, supposed to leave us afraid or... something. MIKE: [Following Crow] A cliffhanger. The perfect time to leave. [SAFE...2...3...4...5...6...Klunk-Shunk] [No one's there. Then Mike, dressed in jean shorts and a tee-shirt, skips in from the right] MIKE: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, tight jeans, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... [Mike gets bonked on the head by a papier-mâché crumpled ball painted green] MIKE: D'oh. [Falls off stage] CROW: [Offstage as narrator] So Ryan was transported to Mobius by a big crusty booger which was supposed to resemble a comet. [Enter Tom painted entirely blue with cardboard spikes off his back and Crow with a wig and blue vest] MIKE: [Getting up] Whoa, am I in my favorite show? TOM: Yo. Dude. Brutha. MIKE: Um, family. CROW: Boo hoo hoo!! [Runs offstage] TOM: Homie? CROW: [Again, as narrator] So Sonic built him a make-shift hut made of fiberglass and baking soda. Then came an intruder. [Tom leaves quickly and Gypsy, painted black with a dark wig, enters from the right] GYPSY: Hi, I'm a beautiful, clever fictional character that you oddly enough have a crush on already and even though I broke in, I'm trustworthy. Wanna mutually respect? MIKE: Let's smile. [They do] Fun? GYPSY: Yeah! CROW: [Narrator] So Ryan went to Robo- Robotro-... the big city without any plans whatsoever. Sonic watches and does squat. TOM: [Coming back in] Word, buddy. CROW: [Narrator] After Packbell's failed and extremely stupid plan of letting Ryan go failed, Ryan returned for some weird reason and found... MIKE: Hey, it's that booger I didn't see hit me. TOM: Get it, man-dude-guy! [Mike picks up the 'booger' and falls down instantly] TOM: Word? CROW: [Popping up still dressed as Sally] Hi, I'm Ryan. TOM: Ew. GYPSY: I don't mutually respect you anymore. CROW: Oh, dang. [Crow ducks and Mike pops back up] MIKE: Hi, I'm Ryan. CROW: [Narrator] So Ryan and Sandra pranced away into the sunset, mutually respecting one another. And Packbell gets angry or sumfin and vows revenge on Ryan for not getting him the bicycle he always wanted or something like that. [All group together] ALL: The end. TOM: Dude. CROW: Get it now, Mike? MIKE: No. CROW: Good. Not a detail was changed. MIKE: Are you sure? CROW: Well, I took some creative liberties here and there, but otherwise... GYPSY: We got commercial sign, now. TOM: Babe. MIKE: We'll be right back. TOM: Word to yo mama! MIKE: Shut up. [Commercials]