<----IF YOUR SCREEN IS NOT THIS BIG, YOU NEED TO UPGRADE YOUR MONITOR----> [Ranma Era Theme Song] [SOL. Mike is dusting away at some old books, waving his hand around to blow away the dust. Crow and Josh enter the scene.] Mike: Oh, hey! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike, and that's... Crow: What are you doing? Josh: Yeah? What are those things? Mike: They're called "books", I believe.(sarcasm) Crow: What the hell are books? Mike, have you been keeping something from us? Mike: NO! Look, a book is..well..here, look. [Shows the bots the inside.] [Servo enters.] Crow: Wh..it's like a magazine! Spiffy Cool Beans! Tom : Magazine? Oh, turn to the articles! Lemme see the articles! Mike: No..it's not a magazine. Crow: Where are the pictures? Mike: See, most books don't have pictures. Some may have one or two. Crow: One or two?! Josh: Mike's gone ancient on us! [Josh starts zapping Mike with his antannae.] Mike: AAAAAAUGH! Josh: Heh, heh, heh. That'll teach him to show us such abominations! Crow: Yeah..books..what a stupid concept! [Mike hits the commercial sign button before collapsing.] Tom : Um..we'll be right back. Crow: I'm gonna go read Sphere again, ok? Josh: Go ahead. [Planet bumper.] [When we return to the SOL, Mike has various burn marks all over him.] Crow: And then, aliens barged into the ship and shot you with one of their ray gun..thingies. And THAT's... what happened. Josh: Honest. Mike: I dunno..actually I feel quite good now. Well..... Let's check on the Mads and see what they're up to today. [Mike pushes the Mads button.] [Anime Japan. Pearl is driving down the road in her van, talking on the phone. Bobo and Observer are still absent, along with Ranma. Kenny sits in the front seat next to Pearl.] Pearl: Yeah..I'm exploring the braindead teenage girl section of Japan..it's not bad..but this guy ran into me and called me Meatball-stomach. I was sorta.. *KONK* *MREOW!* Pearl: Ah, damn. I'll call you back. Love ya, Clay. [Pearl hangs up the phone and gets outside of the van.] Pearl: Oh, shit, I hit a black cat! [Pearl gets down and takes the cat..it's leg is stuck under a tire, and won't budge despite Pearl's efforts.] Cat : You're in legal trouble now! Pearl: .....come again? Cat : I said, you're in legal trouble now! Pearl: Look, kitty, why do you sound like an old lady? Cat : That's not important. The Negaverse is coming to take over the world! Pearl: Come*tug* ON*tug*, KITTY*stops tugging*...Did you say "take over"? Cat : Yes! Time is of the essence! [Pearl is so mad she pulls the cat out very strongly, ripping the leg off of the cat. She throws the cat into an alley.] Pearl: Noone takes over the world but ME! [Pearl looks up.] Pearl: Oh, hey, Nelstone. As you can see, I'm in a bit of a dilemma. There's some unfinished work I have to take care of. Speaking of "take care of", where have Bobo and Observer gone? And speaking of unfinished work, your fanfic this week is..actually..3 fanfics. And they're all unfinished and have no relatance to each other. Enjoy! Cat : I..must..call Judge Judy immediately..if..I had 4 legs that is.. [SoL] Mike: The ASPCA is gonna have a ball with *this* episode. Josh: I'll do CPR! [buzzes the cat] [You hear a loud meowing scream.] *Klaxxons* Crow: UNFINISHED FANFIC SIGN! [Random craziness..the doors start to open for Cambot as he makes his way into the theater, just as Mike, Crow, Servo, and Josh enter.] > "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CAN'T BE ROBOTICIZED?" Mike: Well, he's not Y2k compliant, sir. > Snively jumped and shrieked, mumbling, "H-His DNA is odd, Dr. Robotnik, Crow: SONIC: DOUBLE HELIX. >Sir! We t-tried to roboticize him s-seven times and his body *rejected* >the p-process each time!" Servo:Then try a different p-process! > Robotnik dropped Snively uncermoniously to the ground, turning his >intentions to the sobbing yellow-orange hedgehog bound at his feet. Josh: Yes, hedgehogs, delivered to your door, warm, and golden brown.. >He >reached down and pulled a quill from the hedgehog, and handed it to a >Swatbot. Mike[Robotnik]: Any idea of what this could be? > "Take this to the lab and preserve it for later study." His blazing >red-on-black eyes burned into the sole of the creature now at his mercy. Crow: I have black-on-yellow eyes..so..there! *razzles* > "You BASTARD!" Servo: You killed Kenny! >the hedgehog roared, in tears. Josh: ROOOARRRRRRHORRHOORRHAAAAUGH! WAAAAUGH! >"My wife...my children...they didn't have the gene...you KNOW it!" Mike: Hey, Robotnik's evil. Live with it. > "Yes," Robotnik hissed with a cold toothy grin. "But we can't take >any chances, now can we? Crow: Just give me a chance card! OOH! I get to pass Go! >Besides, I thought you might like to join >them--you know how families like to stay together...." Servo: Especially after I meld them. >He looked down into the blazing fire in the incinerator below. Josh[Robotnik]: Turn up the heat down there! It's freezing! > Robotnik picked the hedgehog up by his spines and stared into his >face. Servo: SLEEP! > "Time to fry, eh, Hedgehog?" Crow: It's a shame, too. He's only getting cooked for the new McDonald's hedgehog burger Happy Meal. > The cold gloved hand let go... > There was a instant searing pain....then nothing. Mike: Someone must've nuked the building. Crow: YAY! Let's go! Mike: I was only kidding. >WILDFYRE PRESENTS: > > THE CROW: SHATTERED DESTINY > A Mobian Tale Crow: Hey! I'm in this fanfic! Nifty! Mike: You must've been sleep-acting or something! >"The Crow" concept and design by James O'Barr >Inferno and Wildfyre created by Wildfyre >All SEGA Characters copyrighted by SEGA of America, Inc. Servo: Dirhay! > One year later... Mike[Kid] - Sonic Adventure 4? Paleeze! > "Is it ready, Snively?" Dr. Robotnik asked, as they stared at the >shadowed figure in the bio-tank. Josh: There you are Crow! Crow: How do you know? Josh: Yer silhoutted, just like in this theater! Crow: Oh yeah! > "Almost, Sir. We have two minutes until it is ready to be 'born'." Crow[Snively]: And ten minutes until it is ready to be 'changed'. > **** Mike: Siskel and Ebert give it two thumbs up! > Wildfyre picked up the half-starved, ragged crow. It laid passively >in her hands, its feathers soaked by the rain that was falling heavily >now in the meadow. Servo: Man, Crow, the author doesn't like you! Crow: Well, it's better that I'm dead. This is a self-insertion fic. Servo: AUGH! Crow: Yeah..unless I'm the hero I want out anyway. > "Poor thing," she whispered to it as she wrapped her duster around >it. Josh: Sorry, little crow, I can't heal you; I'm just the maid. >It gave a small caw and shook the water from its feathers. Wildfyre >got a small morsel of meat from her rations and fed the crow. Crow: MM! Ritz crackers! Thanks! >It remained >calm and closed its eyes. Wildfyre could have sworn she saw it smile. Mike: Self-Insertion is the first sign of madness. Servo: Seeing animals smile is the second sign. Crow: Nearly killing a lovable crow is the hour of darkness. > The rain subsided, so she set the crow on the ground. It flapped its >wings and cawed once more, turning to give Wildfyre one last look before >it flew away. Mike: I think it gave her the "bird"! Crow: Enough cheesy jokes, Mike. > **** Josh: The New York Times raves "THE CROW: SHATTERED DESTINY" is the greatest piece of nothing to hit the theaters! > The water spilled onto the floor as Swatbots took the recently >produced clone to an examining table. It blinked blue eyes, squinting to >adjust to the light. Crow: Where'd the water come from? Mike: Good question.. > "Excellent Snively. He's a perfect match." Servo: Let's get him on The Dating Game pronto! > "That unusal DNA in the sample actually kept the normal degradation >from occurring," Snively commented as he examined the data on the >clipboard in his hand. Josh: Normally we call data on a real life clipboard "writing". > The yellow-orange hedgehog moaned softly, moving around more now. Crow[Hedgehog]: Ugh..am I still..colored like Pacman? >Robotnik turned to look at his newest creation--and his face suddenly >darkened. Mike[Robotnik]: Hey! Who turned off my face? > "What is THIS?" he asked, pointing to the black, bird-shaped mark on >the hedgehog's chest. Servo: It's the sign of the Sega character Flicky. > "I-I don't know, Sir, it j-just appeared during the growth >process..." Snively stammered. Crow: I was in the womb with him, you see. > Tap. Tap. Tap. Servo: Rat tat tat tat. > Robotnik frowned. "Where is that noise coming from?" Mike: It's just a marching drummer, ignore it! > Tap. Tap. Tap. Crow: Some authors still use morse code, I see. > Snively looked up to one of the windows above the lab. A rather >large black bird flapped its wings and pecked at the glass as lighting >struck in the distance. Josh: Lemme in so I can crap on all your stuff! > "Have one of the OM-27 droids come and shoot that obnoxious thing," >Robotnik said casually as he walked out the door, leaving the clone to >Snively's care. Servo: Kill it! He's tapping on the fake sugar glass! > Snively frowned at the crow outside, which flapped its wings >furiously and caawed repeatedly. Crow: Snively has wings? >Snively began to shudder, half in fear, half in anger, as he threw his >clipboard at the window. Mike[Snively]: COPY AND PASTE *THIS*! > "Get away, you, you *thing* you!" he stammered, shaking. Servo: You and all your things and the things that you do things with! > The hedgehog clone moaned more, coming around... Josh: ..the final stretch! But Buttercup is galloping closer! > Tap. Tap. *KKRASHH!* Crow: That must be pretty hard tapping for that little bird to do that. > Snively spun around as the windows exploded in a gust of air from >outside, glass shards flying everywhere, sticking in his arms as he >shielded his face. The angry black avian swooped in and with a racous cry >landed on the table where the hedgehog clone lay. Mike[Crow]: Gimme a Dreamcast, now! > Icy blue eyes snapped open. Servo: Help! My eyes are frozen! > The crow flapped up above into the clone, its body expanding into a >black bolt of matter as it dove *into* his body. Josh: This form of beastiality I *DON'T* want to see. >*AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!* Crow: Sounded more like a laugh than a scream. > Snively huddled in a corner, eyes dialated in utter terror at the >impossibilities he had just witnessed, bleeding from the cuts the glass >had made in him. The hedgehog rolled and cried, thrashing around >violently on the table as if stung by the lashes of some invisible whip. Mike: OW! OW! OW! HIT ME MORE! YES! OW! OW! OW! >He fell off the table, struggling like a drunkard to his feet. Everything >he touched attacked his brain in primal fury with memories of the most >desperate pain and rage living beings could feel. Servo: This is how Nixon felt, isn't it? >He staggered for the door, ignored by the Swatbot guards. [some guffaws] Mike: So, kill ya same time tommorrow? > **** Crow: Winner of 6 Oscars! > "Clone has left primary laboratory, Sir," the mechanical voice of a >spy drone spat. Josh: P'tooie! > "What?!" Dr. Robotnik snarled, gripping the seat of his command >chair angrily. "Where is Snively??" Mike: He's just a "sniveling" weasel..heh.. Crow: Please, Mike. > "Snively is located in Medical Bay One. Condition: Stable" Servo: No, wait, my mistake. Deceased. > "Show me the hedgehog," Dr. Robotnik asked, relaxing slightly, but >not totally, back into his chair. Crow: I love it when my henchmen are killed by birds... > "Hedgehog Clone located Sector Alpha X-Ray Niner," the voice said as >the local Spy Eye floated over the wandering spot of yellow-gold flesh. Mike: That's a 10-4-9er, good buddy. >He stuck out like an ink dot on a clean sheet of paper, his movements >erratic and almost pained. An acid rain began to fall and the clone >shivered. Josh: Stop pissing on me! > "All Swatbots locate and destroy clone," Robotnik whispered in a >hoarse metallic rasp as he tapped his gloved fingers against one another. Servo: Then we'll meet in the cafeteria and discuss our kill over milk and cookies and egg nog. > **** Servo: Aw, they're holding hands! > The clone shivered and turned with a jerk as he heard the gravely >squawk of a crow behind him. It flapped off and he felt an irresistible >urge to follow it. Crow: What can I say? I'm an animal magnet, baby! >It flew on as he chased it, beginning to learn better Mike: Grammatical statements. >control of his body; it flew over pipes, through piles of junk, up over Servo: AND AWAYYYY! >buildings and across the dirty metal roofs of several mechaniod >factories. He followed every movement, leaping, climbing, swinging, Josh: Shaving, jumping, punching, scraping, swimming, raping.. >crawling, until the crow stopped at a pile of what looked like garbage. >It caawed at him, pecking at a pile of bones and clothes. Crow: I found that guy that owed you money! > He pulled a long black leather duster out of the junk; it was >somewhat dusty and had a few bullet holes in it. He dug through the rest >of the trash, locating pants, boots, a shirt and a pair of gloves. Mike: Some butler's nude somewhere! >He stretched the wet semi-torn shirt over his head and quills; next went >on the pants, boots and gloves, all in black. Josh[Will Smith]: Give the clothes back...NOW. >He put his arms through the sleeves of the duster, raising his arms as it >slid onto his back. Servo: He's gonna become Sonic's houseboy. >He grabbed the silver ring of the zipper and pulled it up to the high >neck. The crow caawed once again, flapping over to can of black paint, Crow: I stole all the outlines from Disney characters! > left open by workerbots--now nowhere to be seen, next to puddles of >rain water. He went over dipped a claw-tip in the paint, and looking at >his reflection in the water, drew a line from his forehead to his right >eye. Then one below, down to mid-cheek. Then he painted the other eye. Mike: One of the many great reasons to buy finger paint! >Then dipping the brush in the paint once more, outlined his lips, and >pulled the line out past the corners of his mouth into a grim smile... Josh: He's becoming a clown? [Everyone leaves the theaters. The doors close as Cambot hurries out. Next we find Mike standing still, just staring into space.] Mike: Aren't they beautiful? Servo: Huh? Mike: The windows..I never have time to clean them.. Servo: Oh. [Tap. Tap. Tap.] Mike: What's that? [holds onto the table in fear.] [Tap. Tap. Tap. Servo clings to Mike, scared.] [Crow walks onscreen, holding a bucket of black paint, having coated himself in it. The bucket is tapping the ground as he walks.] Crow: Hey, guys. Servo: AAAAUGH! Mike: AAAAAAHHHH! Josh: TIMMY'S BACK! Crow: What? No, guys, it's just me..AACK! [Mike runs and gets the aluminum bat from The Screaming Skull's skit.] Mike: AAAAAAAHHH! Crow: Not again! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! STOP! OW! OW! OW! Josh: *notes commercial sign* We'll be right back. Crow: STOP, MIKE! IT'S ME! CROW! Mike: ......er....um.. Servo: I knew it all the time. Crow: Yeah right. [Crow walks over to Servo.] Servo: AAH! TIMMY'S GOING TO HURT ME! Mike: AAAAAAAAAAH! [Planet Bumper.] Crow: No, I ju-OW! STOP THAT! OW! OWOWOW! OWCH!