Newsgroups: alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog
From: Sonic90127@yahoo.com (Alex Weitzman)
Date: 29 Sep 2001 16:48:56 -0700
Local: Sat, Sep 29 2001 7:48 pm 
Subject: [MiSTed] Sonic Fights Robotnik 2: The Next Battle

Don't ask me why. Just assume I'm a bloody masochist. 

Alex Weitzman Studios Presents..... 

        MiSTed: Sonic Fights Robotnik 2: The Next Battle 

MST3K copyright Best Brains. The best brains in the world! 
(Loose version of) Sonic Hedgehog and related characters copyright 
Sega Enterprises. 

[Interior of SoL. Mike enters the room with a NeoGeoPocket.] 

MIKE: No! Darn it. Lost a life again. Damn your tricks, Robotnik! 

[Tom rushes in, looking very concerned (as much as he can be).] 

TOM: Mike! Mike! [sees him] What are you doing? 
MIKE: Well, ever since that SONICFAN mess, I've wondered what exactly 
it means to have "Sonic fight Robotnik". So I've been playing the 
Sonic game on the NeoGeoPocket to get a sense of it. 
TOM: No kidding? What's it like? 
MIKE: Well, there's no "Swat-missels", no Robotnik show, and no 
Greenday. Guess they got the game all wrong. What'd you need, Servo? 
TOM: [resumes his state of panic] Crow's trying to build a jungle gym 
out of yellow Playdoh! And Gypsy's about to try it! 
MIKE: Oh no. 

[They both rush over to Crow’s "jungle gym", where Gypsy is 
happily playing on what looks completely unstable. Tom and Mike watch 
for a couple of minutes as nothing happens except harmless fun.] 

MIKE: Huh? 
CROW: [off from the side] Hey, Mike! Made something to occupy Gypsy 
while we deal with Pearl. You like? 
MIKE: Crow, how's Gypsy staying up on there? 
CROW: [looks at Gypsy play] What do you mean, Mike? 
TOM: Crow, Playdoh doesn’t hold like that. 
CROW: What are you talking about? It's Playdoh, the magic substance! 
Nothing can go wrong! 

[Pearl appears on the monitor.] 

PEARL: Hello, Mike. Well, do you know what day it is? 
MIKE: [blinks] Um, Yom Kippur? 
PEARL: It's "that time of the month"! Which means I'm feeling REALLY 
rotten. I've already tied Brain Guy to the rack and left Bobo in a pit 
with several rabid Irish setters. 
BOBO: [offscreen] NO! Not there! Don't sniff there! AAAH! My lips! 
PEARL: Which just leaves you three. 
MIKE: What could you possibly do that's more cruel? You're cruel to us 
on a daily basis anyway. 
PEARL: Actually, I've been saving something for this day. It's 
SONICFAN's sequel!!!! 
MIKE&BOTS: [silence] 
TOM: You wouldn't. 
PEARL: [grins and presses the button] 

TOM: NOOOO! I'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! 
CROW: You'll bleed for this, Pearl! Bleed like hell! 
MIKE: Rope it in, Crow. 

[6................5......................4....................3.....................2.................1.....................] 

> LEGAL STUFF----------- 

MIKE: There can't be anything legal about SONICFAN's stuff. 
TOM: Maybe we should report him. 

> All characters like Sonic and stuff, 

CROW: Stuff stuff? 
TOM: Stuff stuff stuff stuff. 
MIKE: Ah, stuff stuff stuff stuff stuffity stuff-stuff. 
CROW: STUFF!!!!! 

> fetured in this 
>story are copyright of SEGA and Archie Comics. 

TOM: Nice to see that SONICFAN's retained his abilities of spelling. 

> Except 
>for Packbell, Chris Petrucci and Vision, and others they 
>are copyrights of their respective authors. 

CROW: Who the hell is Chris Petrucci? 
MIKE: The guy who sang that "song" in the last one. 
TOM: Oh. [pause] Who's Vision? 
MIKE: I don’t think we know that name yet. 
CROW: Okay. [pause] Why is SONICFAN still allowed to live? 
MIKE: There are some questions that cannot be answered. 

> Other copyrights like 
>Beavis and Butthead and Mountain Due and Greenday are 
>copyrights of other companies. 

TOM: Boy, there's a shocker. 

> THe author of this story 
>does not intend to imply ownership of anything or 
>anycharacters in the following story. 

MIKE: Nor does he intend to imply any kind of taste. 
CROW: He might as well own it. As if anybody ELSE would claim this 
crap as their own. 

> This story may be 
>distributed for free but you can't sell it for money. 

TOM: Story for sale! Payable only in Velveeta cheese! 

> End of LEGAL STUFF---- 

CROW: Yes! It's over! 
MIKE: No, Crow, that means the story is starting. 
CROW: Blast it all.... 

>***WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS A LITTLE BIT OF BAD 
>WORDS. 

TOM: Man, any word this guy writes is bad. 

> READER DISCRESON IS ADVISED*** 

MIKE: WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY SUCKS. READERS ARE ADVISED TO KEEP 
A BUCKET NEAR THEM AT ALL TIMES. PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS, LEGS, AND 
PUKE INSIDE THE BUCKET AT ALL TIMES. 

> Since you liked the first one I made a sequel! 

ALL: [silence] 
TOM: May I rip the screen? 
MIKE: You can't. Your parts are all rounded. 
TOM: If I had sharpness, could I do it? 
MIKE: [pause] Maybe. 

> Here's.... 

ALL: Johnny! 

> SONIC FIGHTS ROBOTNIK 2 

CROW: Sonic Fights Robotnik 2: We Haven't Yet Outletted All Our 
Psychotic Typings Yet! 

> The Next Battle 

MIKE: And yet, the last story was "the fiinal battel with Robotik!" 
TOM: Well, Tails must've noted later that he wasn't really dead. 

> By SONIC FAN 

MIKE: [holds Crow back] 
CROW: [angrily snapping] 

> It was quiet day in Knothole forest seing how Robotnik 
>was dead and all. 

CROW: What, no other tyrants to take over their TV stations? 
TOM: And thus begin we our descent into true hell. 

> Everyone was busy rotor was washing 
>the machines and tails was practicing kung-fu with 
>Bunnie. 

MIKE: Boy, this sounds dangerously like the last one. 

>(((((((((())))))))))))) 

CROW: Ecco's trying to speak with us! 
MIKE: Yes, boy! We know! We’re in horrible danger for our lives! 

> Robotropolis 
>Grounder and Scratch were watching Furry Beavis and 
>Butthead. 

TOM: Home movies, huh? 

>"Huh huh huh Butthead is cool" said grounder 
>"Heh heh heh i like show" scratch said 

MIKE: Wow, it's SONICFAN's core fanbase! 
TOM: Honestly, Mike, that’s two too many. 

> Robotnik said loudly "HEY YOU STUPID BOTS LET'S GET 
>GOING EH!" 

CROW: I never knew about Robotnik’s Canadian origins. 
TOM: Wasn’t he "dead and all"? 

> Groundeer says "Huh huh huh we stupid or something hu 
>huh huh" 

MIKE: No more than everyone else in the story. Plus the author. 

> Packbell kicks there butts! 

MIKE: Butts there? 
CROW: No, butts there! 
TOM: Please. Butts right there. 
MIKE. Shows what you know. Butts over there. 

>"Scratch says "heh heh butt heh heh" 

CROW: I see they went stupid by reading this story. 
ALL: [uncomfortable silence] 

> Robotnik thinks ***this is my best plan yet and it will   
>surely work!*** 

MIKE: Which plan would that be? 
CROW: [Robotnik] 1000000 Swat-missel! i will Send ti to him! (sonic) 
TOM: I think in asterisks, too. ***SONICFAN is an escapee from a 
mental institution in Bangladesh where they force-fed him Drano!*** 

>(((((((((((())))))))))))))) 
>Over Knothole Forresst 

TOM: One wonders whether SONICFAN's keyboard is just malfunctioning. 
MIKE: People with malfunctioning keyboards, monitors, and frontal 
lobes could make better written material. 

> Rotor is flying in the freedom fighter plane and 
>sees.... 
>(((((((((())))))))))))) 

CROW: THE GREAT PARENTHESES WAR!!!!! 

> Sonic was in his hut jamming by himself. 

TOM: And we know what that REALLY means, don't we, Crow? 
CROW: Oh, yeah...."jamming"......heh heh......."by 
himself"............ 
MIKE: Huh? What're you guys referring to? 

> Then Tails and 
>Antoinne came in to help him out. 

TOM: Oh, geez. After our previous innuendo, there's no touching that 
one. 
CROW: .........heh............."help him out"........... 

> They got there band 
>going and played some greenday songs. 

CROW: ...............heh............"going"............ 
TOM: Shut up, Crow. 
MIKE: I still don't get it. 

> Then Bunnie and 
>Chris Petrucci came in Bunny played the banjo 

ALL: [pause, then wild laughter] 
TOM: The great American rock'n'roll instrument! 
CROW: Hey, banjo players get ALL the girls! 

> and Chris played his wristwatch. 

CROW: Um, how? 
MIKE: I guess he just pressed his buttons to the beat. You could give 
a concert in the dark and let the watch's neon light keep rhythm. 

> the band sounded real wonky so they rocked on. 

MIKE: [Sonic] We suck! Keep going! 
TOM: A band of SONICFAN's own heart. 

> Then they played the Sonic song! 

CROW: Better not be that "asunder thunder" crap from the last one. 

> I'm sonic the hedgehog and i'm so cool 
>i run real fast 
>you goony fool 

CROW: Nope. Something worse. 
TOM: A fool of the goony quality, huh? [pause] What the bloody hell 
does that mean?! 

> ya ya ya 

ALL: No no no. 

> the bots can't catch me 
>cause i run mach 62 
>i am a hedgehog and I rule 
>RULE RULE RULE!! 
>rule rule rule 

MIKE: Maybe this is just a really bad dream. I'll wake up and Pearl 
will just give us something milder, like Showgirls. 
TOM: Keep dreaming, Mike. We're here, so you are, too. 
MIKE: But no! I'd be dreaming you two as well! 
CROW: Mike, could you honestly dream something this bad? 
MIKE: [pause] Damn, you're right. 

> Just then rotor's plane crashes through the wall of the 
>hut! 
>CRASH!!!!!!!!!! 

TOM: Wow, there's a sound effect I wouldn't have thought of. 

> Sonic says "Woah you are playing the drums too loud 
>Antoinne. Oh that's a plane crashing through the wall. 

CROW: That Sonic. Always on top of the situation. 
MIKE: [Sonic] I think I slept on my hand. Oh, it's just sliced off by 
a fan. 

> Yo what up Rote?" 

MIKE: [Rotor] Apart from having all my faith bashed in flying ever 
again, not much. 

> Rotor said "Sonic you gotta come quick a whole army of 
>bots is invading and there gonna kill us 

TOM: [Sonic] Oh, what's the point, anyway? We're all going to die, and 
we'll go up to that big hedgehog heaven in the sky or that walrus hell 
in the ground. Death, I welcome you! [sobs] 

> oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no" 

CROW: [Rotor] oh no oh no.....well.....maybe. 
MIKE: Truly masterful display of the range of emotions that Rotor is 
going through. 

> Sonic said "Calm down Rote I'll just give them the Sonic 
>Spin and they'll learn a thing or too about not being 
>dead" 

MIKE: They'll learn a thing or two about being alive? 
TOM: [Sonic] It involves breathing and eating. 
CROW: [Rotor] What about blinking? 
TOM: [Sonic] That's the advanced course. 

> So sonic ran  to the bots and everbody ran after him but 
>not as fast. 

TOM: Really? Wow, Sonic won a race! 

> Sally and some other freedom fighters 
>brought water balloons to fight the bots 

CROW: Taking a cue from the great military geniuses Calvin and Hobbes. 
MIKE: [narrator] But the Freedom Fighters could never have anticipated 
the bots' arsenal of Super Soakers! 

> but sonic had the best weapon the cybersuit. 

TOM: Clearly Power Rings are passé. 

>"Ha ha ha. Look what we have here a headgehog in a suit. 

TOM: Must be the scientific term of referring to a hedgehog's head. 
MIKE: I had headgehogs once. Needed special shampoo to get rid of 'em. 

> What is this national suit day. 

CROW: No, apparently it's that damn "time of the month". 
MIKE: You know, I didn't think Pearl functioned in that fashion. 

> Too bad i left my tux at home or i wouldnt have to wear this cape 
>and belt ensamle 

MIKE: Robotnik in a tux? Doesn't work. 
TOM: "Ensamle"? Sounds like a low-grade enchilada. 

> it makes me look fat, no?" said Robotnik 

ALL: [sporadically] Oh, no! Not at all! Never! You, fat? Heaven 
forbid! 

>"Why don't you  just stop flabbering Mr. Chubbs" said sonic 

CROW: I wanna be as good at dialogue as SONICFAN is! 
MIKE: Crow... 
CROW: Go to hell, Mr. Hairy Head! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

>"ooh now you made me mad. 

TOM: [Robotnik] Because my campaign with the "whole army of bots" was 
so clearly a sign of goodwill. 

> GET THEM!!!" said robotnik 
>And the robots attacked 

MIKE: See? Those robots LISTEN to their creator! 
TOM: You're using SONICFAN as a role-model? 
MIKE: [pause] Damn your argumentative tactics. 

> Sonic was fighting off a fet thousand SWAT bots 

CROW: "Fet"? What the hell is a fet? 
TOM: Aww, not a Star Wars crossover. 
MIKE: As if "Kix" from Foxfire Studios wasn't enough. 
ALL: oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no 

> and another few thousan EVIL bots. 

TOM: As opposed to those goody-two-shoes Swat-bots. 

> Sally threw balloons at 
>the buzz bombers and Tails was fighting Packbell and 
>Snively with ninja kung fu. 

CROW: Geez, forget Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon! THIS is action! 

> Bunny stomped on grounder and scratch. 

MIKE: I assume that Bunnie has grown to ten times her original size. 
TOM: Oh, naturally. 
CROW: [Antoine] Zees rabbot is BEEG! 

> SOnic cyber attacked the bots until they got killed. 

TOM: And per his obsessive-compulsive disorder, he then proceeded to 
attack the air for three minutes straight. 

> Well thats some of them fdead but not all. 

MIKE: [pause] Anybody credited with that garble? 
CROW: "Fdead". An abbreviation of frickin' dead. 

> Just then Vision LORD OF PEZ showed up to help the 
>freedom fighters. 

CROW: Is there even a semblance of tense continuity in this crap? Soon 
it's gonna be future perfect! 
MIKE: [Vision] I am LORD OF PEZ! Bow to my gaping neckhole! Partake of 
my candy that tastes and feels like medicine! 
TOM: [Robotnik] Not..........................the LORD OF PEZ?! Oh no 
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh 
no..... 

> His powers were of great use in killing the bots. 

TOM: [a poor reading orphan] Please, sir, may I 'ave some more 
description? 
MIKE: [SONICFAN] More DESCRIPTION?!?!? 

> Tails fought Snively and Cmdr. Packbell. 

CROW: Yeah, you mentioned that already. 

> HAI YA! WEE AAH! KICK! SHPACK! 

ALL: BLOO PAH! RAAN DEE! SIX PACK! MOROSE NARWHALE! 

>HYROUKEN! 

MIKE: [shakes head sadly] 
CROW: Tails seems to have gotten his hands on a Mario Fire Flower. 

>"Ow" went the Snively. 

TOM: THE Snively! THE grand, almighty, powerful Snively! There's no 
better Snively than THE Snively! 

> SHOYROUKEN! 

MIKE: Someone spiked the Dragon Punch! 
BOTS: [groan at the joke] 
TOM: Do me the favor of never saying that again. 
MIKE: What? Spiking the Dragon Punch? 
BOTS: [groan louder] 

> Kapow goes Snively he's a bloody polp. 

CROW: Looks like Snively's gunpowder tie pin wasn't such a good idea. 

> Packbell grabs tails by his Tails. 

MIKE: Wait, he grabbed Tails by his tails, or the tails by Tails, or 
by Tails' tails, or.... 
TOM: This tale sucks. 

>"Hey  what the heck" says Tails 
>Packbell repetedly slams Tails against a rock. 

CROW: An android of supreme technology and workmanship. The terminator 
of the future! No manner of pain shall be delivered in any way less 
than complex! 

>"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow" goes Tails 

TOM: Sounds like me. Now. 

> Sonic kills abot with his laser. "Oh no Tails is a trouble" 

MIKE: [Sonic] Durn troublemakin' whippersnapper! Lemme remove my cyber 
belt.....now you lay 'cross my lap, tail boy! 

>" SOnic slices Packbell in half 
>"oog" goes Packbell 

CROW: How climactic. 
TOM: Wasn't that death scene just a little big? 
ALL: BEEG! 

>"Gee thanks sonic but my head hurts ha ha ha" Tails said 

CROW: [Tails] Reminds me of my crack addict days. 

> Sonic does the megasonicspinattack 

MIKE: Patented by SONICFAN Industries and copyrighted under Plot 
Device Corp. 

> and kills the rest of the bots. 
>"Well robotnik it looks like those bots didn't "get me" 
>a-ha ha ha." said sonic 

TOM: Why is it that SONICFAN has no concept of what laughter sounds 
like? 
CROW: Well, let us examine what might be the sullied past of one such 
man known only to the world, including his three parents, as SONICFAN. 
He was born in the dumpster of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store. The 
product of a three-way that lasted for nine months, the two women 
involved did not know which one of them had given birth to the 
disfigured child. He grew up begging for spare shoes from people in 
the unofficial U.S. Capital of Laughlin, Nevada. Granted, after the 
4th Nevadan brigade of Girl Scouts kicked street scum in his face, he 
lost the power to discern between laughter and hiccups. 
TOM&MIKE: [awed pause] 
MIKE: Where'd THAT come from? 
CROW: I'm not sure. Just thought of a three-way and rambled from 
there. 

> But Sonic didn't know that one bot was still there. 

TOM: Good Lord! The "megasonicspinattack" missed one! 
MIKE: Alert the authorities! Sound the alarm! Switch on that 
Bat-Signal! 

> It shot Sally. 

CROW: Because of the obvious threat of water balloons. 

>"Hey that's a good idea!" says Ken Penders 
>SHUT UP KEN!!!!! 

MIKE: Didn't Sally come back to life or something after her "death" in 
the comics? 
TOM: Yeah, just looks like SONICFAN had his furry wet dreams too 
shattered to think. [pause] Wow, this might explain the stories.... 

>"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Sonic yeld 

CROW: Yeld? 
MIKE: I think it's an Eastern European unit of currency. 
TOM: [Sally] Hey, stupid. The correct answer here is Yes. You can tell 
by the smoking hole in my midsection. 

>"Hee hee" said Robotnik "I killed the princess what do i 
>win hehehehe" 

MIKE: A Get-Out-Of-This-Damn-Fanfic-Free Card! 
CROW: Along with this faaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous new car! 

>"ROBOTNIK YOU MOTHERFOCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" sonic 
>scremed. 

TOM: I screm, you screm, we all screm for ice cream! [pause] Wait..... 
MIKE: Why weren't our necks warned before this like last time? 

> Robotnik got in his hover and drove away to where? 

TOM: Oooh, we get to input! 
MIKE: Katmandu! 
TOM: Mann's Chinese Theatre! 
CROW: Lollapalooza! 

> they didn't see because sonic was taking sally back to 
>nothole 

TOM: [Sally] Not the hole! Not the hole! ANYTHING BUT THE HOLE! 

>((((((((((())))))))))))))) 
>"Oh no Sal's dead" sponic Moaned. 

CROW: Sponic?! [laughs wildly] 
MIKE: How do mistakes like that get made and go unnoticed? 
TOM: How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. 

>"No she's not dead" said bookshire 

MIKE: [Bookshire] [to Sonic] And you call yourself a doctor! 
TOM: [Sonic] No, I don't. 
MIKE: [Bookshire] Oh. Well, then, get the stethoscope out of your 
mouth! 

>"She's just unconginous" 

ALL: Huh? 
TOM: I'm now extremely lost. 
CROW: Uncontinuous! She's lacked for continuity! SONICFAN's making a 
self-aware statement of how far removed from the actual Sonic plot his 
stories are! 

> Sonic was sad. 

MIKE: Yeah, Sonic is pretty sad, isn't he? 

> Chris Petrucci sang Metallica songs and 
>Bookshire was heartfelt atr the songs 

TOM: That's two for two for Bookshire in these stories. I think his 
entire purpose is to be "heartfelt" at music. 

>*sniff* 

MIKE: Anybody's sniff in particular? 
CROW: Mine. Something in this theater smells like crap. Oh! It's on 
the screen! 

> Vision said "Hey sonic man i know how you feel" 

TOM: [Vision] I'm a sad character, too. 

>"Hey why don't you just fock off pez-brane" sonic 
>angerly said. 

MIKE: WHERE'S MY NECK WARNING?!? 
TOM: [Vision] Hey thar, varmint! Them's fightin' words! 

>"What did you call me you want to fight me blueboy 
>wimphog" Vision agrly said back 

CROW: Agrly? A girly! Vision's a girly! 
TOM: [to Crow] Oh, shove it, you blueboy wimphog. 

>"Grr" said sonic 

MIKE: Ooooh! Great comeback! 

> then He kicked Vision and vision foungt back. 

ALL: [blink] 
TOM: I can't even think of something to say to that. "Foungt"? 
MIKE: Yeah, I know, it just doesn't inspire much. 
CROW: Outside of murderous rage. 
MIKE: Well, yeah. 

> THey punched eachother in the head and blood was 
>all over the place then sonic threw vision in the pond. 

MIKE: [Sonic] Oh, no! I dropped my golden Vision in the pond! 
TOM: [Frog Prince] I can get it for you, my spiky lady, in exchange 
for a Hershey's Kiss. 

> Vision accidendetily swallowed a power ring and 
>vaporized. 

ALL: [gasp] 
TOM: I didn't know you could do that! 
CROW: My God, I had no idea that Sonic was in such danger whenever he 
used Rings! Wow, this changes the plan to use Power Rings for teething 
babies. 

>"Y'all sour hog y'all killed vision what d'y'all think 
>yer a d'oin why don't t'y'all just get the hep hop outta 
>here y'mean ole blue BUG!" Bunny said. 

MIKE: Obviously the Lord of Pez is far more important to her than her 
childhood friend Sonic. 
CROW: Sounds like Bunnie trying to rap. "Y'all get up on the hep 
hop....hep hep hep hep hop..." 

> Just then a letter dropped from the sky 
>AIRMAIL!!! 

TOM: There's a new sound effect. 
ALL: READ!!! [stare at screen] 

> TO SONIC 
>it said 
>YOU ARE INVITED TO THE ROBOTNIK'S ROYALE WRESTLING 
>CHAMPIONSHIP 

CROW: Sumo? Greco-Roman? Mud? Help us out here. 

> The winner will be declared the champion of mobius. 
>At the underground city 
>Be there or be dead.. 

MIKE: Why isn't this in capitals? 
TOM: SONICFAN must be hitting the Caps Lock randomly. 
CROW: I wIlL gO tO tHe ChAmPiOnShIp....[pause] Whoa, I sound like 
Torgo... 
TOM: Torgo! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! 
MIKE: Who? 

> Sonic said "i'm goin'!" 
>"Me too!!!!" said Tails 
>"Right on let's penut butter and jam!" Sonic said 

MIKE: [Tails] Strawberry? 
TOM: [Sonic] Always! 

> VRRRROOOOOOOOMMM!!!! 

TOM: Apparently Sonic's equipped with a Harley Davidson motor. 

>((((((((((((())))))))))))))) 
>Underground City 11:59 PM 

ALL: 3..............2...................1...................HAPPY NEW 
YEAR!!! 
CROW: [SONICFAN] I resolve to never write another story again! 

> Sonic steps into the ring 
>"Ladies and Gentlebots" 

MIKE: I didn't think Robotnik built gentle bots. 
CROW: It's his soft side. 
TOM: Poke Robotnik anywhere in his gut and I'll guarantee it's soft. 

> said announcer Snvely "In this 
>corner we have the tag team Sonic and Tails!!!" 
> BOOOO!! said the SWATbots 

TOM: The love of the crowd. How encouraging. 

>"And in this corner Grounder and Scratch" Snively 
>announces 

CROW: Ooh. This. Should. Be. Tough. 

>"LLLLLLLLLLLLLLETS GET READY TO 
>RUMBOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

TOM: Hey! New record for longest held misspelling! [makes a checkmark] 

> Sonic is in the ring fighting gounder 

CROW: I hope Gypsy's having fun. 
MIKE: You still haven't explained to us how you did that. 
CROW: What? I just molded it with my hands. They don't put operating 
directions on cans of Playdoh. 

>"huh huh what goes grounder" 
>KA-POWIE 
>A fist in his face! 

TOM: No, a fist in his face goes "KA-POWIE", not "grounder". 
CROW: Just more sound effect confusion, I see. 

> BOOM BOOM BOOM he's down! 

MIKE: One punch, three booms! 

> Scratch steps in and kicks sonic in the eye! 

CROW: You know, Sonic does have large eyes. Why hasn't he been hit 
there before? 
TOM: Must close his eyes when he Sonic Spins. 
MIKE: Well, obviously he closes his eyes. Can you imagine how dizzy 
he'd get if they were open while he spun? 

>"AARRRRGGGGGG!!! TAILS!!!!" 

TOM: [Sonic] ..........I mean............SCRATCH!!!! 

> Tails jumps in flys around and kung-fus there butts 
>BOOM SHAKA BOOM BANG! 

CROW: SONICFAN's no human jukebox, that's for sure. 

> Sonic gets up again! 
>SOnic spin dashes grounder while tails throws a fireball 
>at Scratch! 

TOM: Tails, of course, was the mysterious third student of Sheng Long. 

> They're down 1 2 3 
>Sonic and Tails win!!!!!!!!!! 

ALL: [dryly] Yay. 

> Heh heh heh now for my secret plane, thinks Robotnik 

MIKE: [Robotnik] I'll jump in my secret plane and fly away, to fight 
another day! 

>((((((((((((()))))))))))) 

>"We won we won WOOHOO" says Sonic! 
>"Just a second you have to fight our next contender!" 
>Snively says 

TOM: Nothing comes easy, does it? 
CROW: Well, Sonic's going into the heart of the city built by his 
enemy. Does he actually expect honor and glory from the crowd? 

> A huge bot steps into the ring 
>Snively says "It's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN BOT!" 

ALL: [stare, slack-jawed] 
CROW: There is no god. 

>"earf" says Tails 

TOM: Yeah, that's my thinking, too. 
MIKE: Earf? Ohhhh, there's a recognizable grunt. 

>"I'm going to mutalate you" says stone cold bot 

CROW: [fizzles and sputters] 
MIKE: Whoa, I think the Steve Austin thing is wrecking Crow's systems. 

>"b-b-b-b-b-but why??" stutters a nervous tails 

TOM: [Stone Cold Bot] Well, I think it all dates back to when I was a 
childhood toy and I was smacked around.... 

>"You wanna know why?" 

ALL: No. 

>"You REALLY wanna know why?" 

MIKE: Deaf, huh? 
TOM: NO, DAMMIT! 

>"BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!" 

TOM: [in pain] ARRGH! 
CROW: You wanna know why this story is going to end now? BECAUSE CROW 
SAID SO! [pause] Damn. 

>"And that's" 

MIKE: All, folks? 
TOM: Entertainment? 
CROW: The life of a leech? 

>"The bottom line!!!" 

MIKE: Ours were better. 
CROW: Well, at least, mine was. 

> DING! 

ALL: BAT! 

> The bot gives Sonic the stone cold stunner! 

TOM: Sounds like one of those excessively-sized desserts that you win 
a prize for being able to finish in a time limit. 

> Tails does a spine breaking kick to the bot! 

CROW: It is a bot, right? Shouldn't it not have a spine? 
MIKE: It is SONICFAN's story, right? Shouldn't it not be expected? 

> No use the bot hammers tails in the head he's down! 

MIKE: Sooo....he was nailed? 
BOTS: [smack Mike] 

> Pile driver on the bot by sonic! 
>Tails bounces off the ropes! 
>Sonic beats on the bot the bots kicks sonic in the nose! 

TOM: At least this is the usual quality of all professional wrestling. 
CROW: Hmmm....SONICFAN equals Vince McMahon? Not TOO far off... 

> OOOOWWWWW!!! 

MIKE: [Sonic] I stepped on a tack! 
TOM: [Tails] My brain fell out! 
CROW: [Stone Cold Bot] I looked directly at the text! 

> Tails does a HYROUKEN! HYROUKEN! 

CROW: Two? Must've used his tails to throw those. 
TOM: Urg, just realized what other type of fiery projectiles Tails 
would throw from that region. 

>"Ow i'm on fire! Someone help stone cold!" 

MIKE: Not until you use proper first-person tense. 

>"Stunner this!" says tails smashing his hand through the 
>bots head 

TOM: Wow. Tails has super strength. That didn't show up before at all. 
Wow. 

> Sonic powers up his spin dash and slices the bot 5 
>times! 

MIKE: Why 5? Why not 4 or 6? I mean, just one would probably do it. 

> The bot falls apart 
>Then.... 

CROW: More bad sound effects, right? 

> KLICKETY KLACK BAAAAANNNG!!! 

TOM: Maybe Gerald McBoing-Boing did the sound effects for this story. 
CROW: Gerry wouldn't lower himself to this. He's satisfied enough 
doing his lecture tours. 

> THE BOT EXPLODES!!! 

MIKE: Thus eliminating all the evidence for Mulder and Scully when 
they show up. 
TOM: The text is out there! Way out there! 

>"Well" said Robotnik "Good show but I just dropped 7 
>nukes on the great forest they're all dead 
>HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

CROW: Couldn't have done that when Sonic and Tails were back in 
Knothole, huh? You just HAD to get that Stone Cold bot involved, huh?! 
YOU WANKER!!!! 
MIKE: Wanker? Crow, you are the most non-British entity I know. Don't 
use that. 
CROW: Oh, bloody hell. 

>"What???" said Sonic "WHAAAT???" 

TOM: I'd say that Sonic lost his Oscar nomination there, but this crap 
wouldn't even have made a People's Choice nomination in the first 
three sentences. 

>"Robotnik you will pay!" sonic said. 

CROW: [Robotnik] How much for the trees? 
MIKE: [Sonic] A nickel at most. But a Sacagawea dollar coin for 
Knothole! 

> The bots hustled sonic and tails into a space ship 

TOM: Do the Hustle! 
ALL: [wiggle in their seats] 

>"We're going to Spacetropolis!" Robotnik giddily said. 

CROW: Where'd the inspiration for THAT name come from?! 
MIKE: I really wouldn't know! 
TOM: I'm boggled by the originality! 

>((((((((((())))))))))) 
>SPaCe..... 

CROW: Our narrator.....Torgo! 
TOM: Torgo! HAHAHAHA!!! 
MIKE: What the hell are you two talking about? 
TOM: Before your time, Mike. 

>"Hey lookit the stars" tails awed. 

CROW: Oops. My mistake. Tails' crack addict days are still here. 

>"Yeah" said Sonic "Theres as many stars as there are 
>mobians but now a bunch of them are dead and its all my 
>fault 

TOM: If I were Robotnik, I'd capitalize on this suicidal moment of 
Sonic's and give him a stool, noose, and pull-up bar. 
CROW: Story'd be over. 
MIKE: That'd be good. 
ALL: HANG HIM! HANG HIM! HANG HIM! 

>"SOnic you did what you had to do" said tails. 

ALL; HANG HIM, TOO! HANG HIM, TOO! 

>"Yeah but i guess space is alot like mobius some times" 
>sonic said 

MIKE: Doesn't have any air? 
TOM: We're trapped in it? 
CROW: It's what SONICFAN's head is made of? 

>"Yeah i guess it is" Tails replied 

TOM: Go, Crow! 
MIKE: Good guess! 
CROW: I am a golden god! 

>"Hahahahaha you will be roboticized hahahahahaha" 
>Robotnik chortled 

MIKE: But, for some reason, Robotnik couldn't do that down on Mobius. 
I'd think that throwing Sonic out into space with no suit and watching 
him explode would be far more entertaining. 

>"Not funny Lardnik!" said sonic 

TOM: Not clever, either. Or helpful to the plot. 
CROW: Is he actually complaining about the villain's typical mindless 
laughter? Sonic's been a hero long enough to know better than that! 

>"Huhuhuhu LARD BUTT!" said grounder 

TOM: Back from the repair room, I see, since he was so beaten up in 
the wrestling scene. 
MIKE: Just stumbled through a SONICFAN plot hole, most likely. 

>((((((((((())))))))))))) 
>Spacetropolis Robotocizer room 
>Sonic is in the roboticezr 
>The green ray is going to robotocize him. 

ALL: Boo hoo. 
MIKE: Do it and be over with it. We're SO done here. 

>"Well this is the end i guess i'll say a few words. I 
>love you Sal!" said sonic 

CROW: [Sally] Lotta good that does me. I'm a radioactive corpse. 

>"Hee hee your going to a robot a robot a rooobot" went 
>Packbell 

TOM: Packbell has his Skippy Squirrel personality card installed, I 
see. 
MIKE: [Packbell] Oooh, Aunt Robotnik! Are we gonna go blow someone up? 
SPEW!!! 

> Suddenly vision bursts into the room! 

MIKE: Everyone can see again! 
CROW: That's the Pezhead. 
MIKE: Oh. [pause] Everyone has medicine-flavored candies again! 

>"HUH??? WHAT THE??? UHHH?? YOOOUUU????" Robotnick 
>confuseldy said 

TOM: Robotnik, of course, is diabetic and sugar does strange things to 
him. 

>"Yeah you are apsiposlitivediddly right Crazy Ivo" said 
>Vision 

TOM: [Sonic] Flanders! You're the Lord of PEZ? 
CROW: [Vision] It's always the person you least expect, Sonic! 

>"Now drop that hedgehog!" 

MIKE: [Sonic] That's his plushie, Vision. I'm in the damn roboticizer, 
getting my kidneys turned into gears. 

> Sonic makes a daring escape and frees Tails! They flee 
>the room! 

TOM: TO the room? FROM the room? Clarify. 

> An action-packed battle takes place on the space 
>station. Sonic and friends are victorious. 

CROW: SONICFAN is undoubtedly the greatest action writer ever molded 
by the hands of God. 
TOM: Are your sarcasm levels reaching? 
CROW: Exploded already, Servo. 
MIKE: I don't care what time of what month it is. Pearl is 
experiencing pain when we get out. 

>(((((((((((((()))))))))))))) 
>Spacetropolis control room 
>"Nothing left to do now but blow up the planet" said 
>Robotnik 

MIKE: Kefka, meet Robotnik. Robotnik, meet Kefka. 

> He pushed the button 
>3 
>2 

MIKE: 5! 
TOM: -89! 
CROW: Sampras! 

>1 

CROW: Well, we did what we could. Bye, Mobius. 

> KKKKKKKAAAAAAAABBBBBLLLLLAAAAAAMMMMMOOOOOO!!!! 
>Mobius is gone! 

TOM: I'm way too cynical at this point to care. 

> Sonic sees the glint of a crystal! 
>From the mine he must still have some! 

ALL: WHAT?! 
TOM: And we're going to depend on the damn Bunnie's-colors mine for 
our Deus Ex Machina? 
MIKE: Maybe *I* should rip up the screen. 
CROW: You just clipped your nails today. 
MIKE: DAMN YOU, FATE! 

> Sonic picks up the crystal and Robotnik sees him. 
>Sonic shoots robotnik with thje crysatl's energy and he 
>gets knocked down! Robnik pushes the button 

TOM: [head explodes] 
MIKE: Boy, I wish I could do that. 
TOM: [head parts come back] Shoot. I need to work on making that 
permanent. 

>"hahaha my bots are gone but i'm gonna blow this up and 
>take you with me blue freak hahahahahahahhahahahhaa!!!!" 

CROW: Why doesn't Robotnik just use his girth over him? 
MIKE: Why this? Why that? IT'S A SONICFAN STORY!!! 
CROW: Hey, Mike. You got us into this, so we'll comment on whatever we 
want. 
MIKE: I didn't get you into this! Pearl's having her damn period! 
TOM: Oh, THAT'S what "that time of the month" means! 

> SELF DESTRUCT IN 10 SECONDS 
>"Run!! said sonic! 
>"AHHHH nooo!" said Tails! 

TOM: [Tails] I just wanna die! 

>9 
>8 
>7 
>6 
>5 

MIKE: And now, another (longer) countdown. 
CROW: 5821! 

>"Hurry we gotta go faster!!" 

TOM: Said by? 

>4 
>3 
>2 
>"ON NO!!!!" 

TOM: Wow, Mr. Anonymous has TWO lines. 
MIKE: I'll bet he was the guy who sniffed some time ago in the story, 
too. 

>1 
>. 
>GAAAABLLLLOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!! 
>there goes the neighborhood. 

CROW: [Logic] They're called "space stations". 
TOM: [SONICFAN] I'll call 'em whatever I want! 

> But at the last second sonic used the glowing cystal 
>energy and was in a time poral. 

MIKE: The pores of time, huh? 
TOM: This story is a zit in the pores of time. 

> But Robotnik was there too! 

CROW: [SONICFAN] You wanna know why? You REALLY wanna know why? 
BECAUSE I'M A WORTHLESS RETARD OF A WRITER!!!.................wait a 
sec.... 

> They battled using chaos crystal power sonic zapped 
>robotnik and he was gone! 

TOM: How many damn deaths has Robotnik had at the hands of SONIC FAN 
now? 
CROW: Too many to be even within the same plane of existence as 
"sense". 

> Sonic jumped into a portal and 
>WAS..... 

MIKE: Fried. Good and slow. 

>((((((())))))) 
>Back on mobius! 

MIKE: [trying to give a hint] Which was fried. Good and slow. 
TOM: No good, Mike. 
MIKE: Oh, hell. 

>"Hey wait" said sonic "Robotropolis is here! We blew up 
>the death egg! CaN THIS be happening!!??!" 

MIKE: That looks like that Torgo thing. 
CROW: Good call, Mike! You catch on quick. 
TOM: Now change your name to Joel... 
MIKE: Um, no. 
TOM: Damn! 

> Sonic ran back to knothole 
>Sally and vision were there 
>"sal Are you ok??" sonic asked 

TOM: Sonic doesn't seem to grasp the fringe benefits of time travel. 

>"Yes" said sally 
>"I used my healing powers she will be fine now sonic" 
>said Vision 

CROW: How would that be necessary if Sonic's gone back in time? 
MIKE: Better question - why didn't Pezhead do that before Sonic went 
to the WWF? 

>"You the man pez-bro" said Sonic 
>"But Robotropolis is still here" he thought 

TOM: Must be thinking out loud. 

> And the battle begins again..... 
>THE END 

MIKE: ARRRRGH! THERE'S MORE, ISN'T THERE?!?!? 
CROW: Not in this story, though. Thankfully. 
TOM: Let's get out of here. 

[Back in SoL] 

[Gypsy is standing in the main deck alone, waiting for Mike and the 
bots.] 

GYPSY: But I wanna go back and play on the jungle gym! 
MIKE: [from out of the room] Stay right there, Gypsy! [pause] The 
gym's still up? 
GYPSY: Yeah! It even has a juice bar! 
TOM: [entering the room with a pack of matches] You'll have to tell me 
what you did to make that jungle gym later, Crow. 
CROW: [entering, also with a pack of matches] All in the design, my 
pinbally friend. 
MIKE: [enters with arms full of explosives] Okay, Gypsy, open wide. 

[Gypsy screams and scampers around the room.] 

CROW: [grabs Gypsy] Just keep swallowing and they won't blow up inside 
YOU. They'll just get Pearl. 
GYPSY: Oh! Okay. [opens her mouth] 

[Tom and Crow light all the dynamite and explosives, and shove them 
down Gypsy's throat. Several minutes of silence and waiting pass.] 

TOM: Did you....feel anything, Gypsy? 
GYPSY: Nope. They all went through. 
MIKE: Then I wonder when we'll hear from Pearl. 

[The monitor switches on. Pearl is covered in ash, with her hair 
permanently pointing backwards due to the blast. Brain Guy and Bobo, 
untouched, are constantly laughing and yelping in pain all at once, 
due to the continuation of their tortures.] 

PEARL: Nelson, you are dead. 
MIKE: Shove it, Pearl. Maybe next time you'll use a tampon. 
PEARL: [eyes boil in rage, but instead of talking, falls to the floor] 
CROW: Oh, well. Jungle gym time! 
MIKE: [pulls out his NeoGeo Pocket] "Special Vision: LORD OF PEZ 
stage"? [pause] No, I don't think I'll go that far.... 

Fin 
E-mail: Sonic90127@yahoo.com 

Alex Weitzman 

You were expecting a sig? (And that damn story gave me a headache. 
I've actually experienced physical pain from reading a SONICFAN 
story.)